A Slacker’s Guide to Goofing Off at Work
As a writer for the world’s fastest growing free sports paper and internet sportsmut website, it’s common for people to come up to me and ask, “Say, Jerry, how do you do it? How can you have a wife, a family a full time job, do stand up comedy, and still find time to write for the world’s fastest growing free sport paper and internet sportsmut website?” And I answer them the same way every time: “Hey, I’m empty. You gonna waste my time or are you gonna buy me a round?” Then after I’ve shamelessly scarfed a free beer off them, I tell them my secret, which I’ll share with you now. The key to balancing such a busy and hectic lifestyle is three simple words: “Do everything half-assed.”
And believe me, it’s not easy. If you want to slack off on the things in your life... and lord knows I do... it’s imperative that you choose wisely. Being a crappy husband costs a fortune in alimony, lawyer’s fees and worse, no sex. Long gone are the days where your lousy parenting skills were between you and your kids. Now every 12 year old is just waiting for the chance to send a PIX message to DSS of dad passed out drunk at the school band concert. Blogging? Comedy? No chance to slack off there. You’ve got to bring your A game every blog, every show, because the world is full of dickheads looking for an opening to tell you you suck and that they read the same thing on Deadspin, or that the guy who smashes watermelons with a giant hammer is way funnier than you.
That leaves one area in my life where I’m able to cut corners, slough off, be derelict in my duties, and satisfy my shirker within. And that’s at work. And believe me, it’s not as easy as it sounds. Neglecting the responsibilities of your job takes hard work, commitment and dedication. At lot more than actually doing the job, ironically enough. Being a lazy, slovenly Payroll Patriot requires a level of dedication that not many people are willing to achieve. But I have. I do it every day. And like Chazz Reinhold in “Wedding Crashers,” I’ll share my secrets with you now. As a public service, because I want to pass along the wisdom I’ve gained during a lifetime spent goofing off at work.
Achieve your minimum level of competence.
This is the key. Because none of the advice I offer here is meant to cost you your job. Quite the contrary. This guide is designed to help you maintain your employment, but on your terms. To do that, you’ll need to answer the question: “Just how much are they asking me to do here?”, doing just that amount, and not 0.1% more. Once you start to demonstrate you’re capable of more than just the bare minimum, their expectations will go up and you’ll be making work for yourself. Treat employment as a Pass/Fail exam where you only want to squeak by so you can laugh at the dopes who studied their asses off while you were feeding Jaeger Bombs to the freshmen co-eds.
Don’t let them motivate you.
The obvious reply to the above is: “But Jerry, don’t they give raises and promotions based on merit? Shouldn’t I try to better myself?” And the answer is “not a chance.” Maybe you work in one of those rare places where they promote people based on job performance and not nepotism or who’s letting the CEO drink Jaeger Bombs out of her belly button. But the odds of that are pretty slim. And besides, before you start putting in the extra effort to advance your career, take a long hard look at your boss. Does he/she look the way you want to look? Do you really want to be that stressed out, knowing every day it’s your job to motivate worthless, lazy slackers like me/you? Of course you don’t. And if you do, you’re better off waiting until they die prematurely from the stress and you get the job like in a battlefield promotion.
Teach yourself to “Multislack.”
I hate to brag, but I’ve raised goofing off to an art form. Anyone can step outside for a cigarette, make a personal phone call or do a Sudoku. I have actually, in the middle of a work day, been blogging for Barstool, eating lunch on the clock and having a personal conversation with my work friend while I was needed elsewhere. That takes concentration and dedication, and I’m proud to say I was up to the challenge. And I believe writing a guide to goofing off from work while goofing off from work might make me a hero in the US Labor movement, like Jimmy Hoffa or Norma Rae.
Be unpunctual.
There’s an art to being late. It takes careful planning and concentration, but if done right, you can save yourself from hours of unnecessary labor each and every week. The key is to be slightly late early in your career, then increase your tardiness at regular intervals until everyone just accepts that what’s late to them is on time for you. It’s a law of nature that when a guy who’s on time every day is a little late, it’s a scandal. He has to explain himself and gets threatened with disciplinary action. The guy who makes a habit of being 15 minutes late every day, on a day when he’s 10 minutes late, will be welcomed like he’s 5 minutes early. Remember the one year when Pedro Martinez showed up for Spring Training the same day as the other pitchers and catchers? Ft. Myers held a parade in his honor.
The bathroom is your best resource.
It’s a basic human right to use the bathroom in privacy. It’s like Superman’s Fortress of Solitude. No one has the right to infringe on your quality time praying to the Porcelain God of your choice. And if that 8 minute dump you take at home turns into a 28 minute session at work? Hey, you can’t help it. Nature called. The head of Emergency Room Triagecould be playing “Mario Kart” on his Ninentdo DS in the bathroom stall in the middle of a catastrophic natural disaster and no one would have the right to knock on the door and ask “Will you be much longer?” It’s a sanctuary and you’re entitled to it.
Bring your lunch.
The lunch hour is your free time, and it’s precious. Don’t waste a minute of it actually eating lunch. Eating while at your desk creates the illusion you’re earning your meager salary. Let the suckers waste their lunch time standing in line at some crappy sandwich shop while you’re inviting the intern out for Jaeger Bombs.
Calling in sick is your unalienable right.
No one deserves your respect less than an employer who thinks they can’t live without you for a day. There are only two invaluable people in Massachusetts: Bill Belichick and Tom Brady. And if you’re as important to your company as they are, you should be paid like them, and you’re not. Bang in sick for a day and believe me the place will still be standing when you go in tomorrow. Besides that boss who wants you to feel guilty for taking a sick day would grind you up to fertilize her plants like the tripods in “War of the Worlds” if the labor laws allowed it. In the last year alone I’ve banged in sick with SARS, Monkey Pox, Carpal Tunnel, Irritable Bowel, Acid Reflux, EEE, Asian Bird Flu, Restless Leg Syndrome, a bad haircut, Gonorrhea (no questions on that) and Tourette’s (“Yeah, this is Jerry. BITCH!!! I can’t come into work today. ASS!!!...”). It’s become so accepted now, sometimes I forget what illness I’m calling in with. Last week it went like this:
Me: “Hi, this is Jerry, I can’t come into work.”
Them: “What’s wrong?”
Me [unprepared]: “I, uh, I’ve got... Erectile Dysfunction.”
Them “Um, wouldn’t that just make it easier for you to work?”
Me: “Not according to my last performance evaluation. You’re the ones who said I do nothing but sit around and jerk off all day.”