Ski Survival

My birthday is March 22nd. It’s a horrible time to have a birthday. Why? Because every girl I’ve ever dated has always thought that it would be a brilliant idea to take me on a romantic retreat up North for a weekend of skiing for birthday. Never mind the fact that I don’t really enjoy skiing, which I don’t, the more important issue here is March Madness which usually falls during the same week I’m supposed to go skiing. Hmm, do I really want to be on a weekend ski trip during the greatest sports weekend of the year? So keeping this in mind, I preempted any potential trips The First Lady may be planning for my birthday this year by taking her to Killington for Valentine’s Day. What did people use to say about Red Auerbach? Something like he plays chess when everybody else plays checkers? Well that was like El Presidente this year. I thought 7 moves ahead and guaranteed that I’d be home for the first weekend of the tournament. Anyway, the fact that I outsmarted the First Lady is really neither here nor there. The point of this article is that I am still alive and in good spirits after our trip North, which is no small feat. If you’re like me, a ski trip is something you just kind of get through the best you can. Since my memories from Killington are still fresh in my mind, I thought I’d share some of my thoughts on how to ensure a fun ski weekend.

Let’s start with ski gear. Surprisingly I do own my own ski equipment, but I bought it back during the roaring 80’s. Apparently my fluorescent skis are no longer in style. For starters, skis aren’t straight anymore. Nowadays, they have these weird curves in them. Don’t ask me how long this has been going on because I have no idea. But the bottom line is that El Presidente was not going to be embarrassed on the slopes. I wasn’t about to show up with straight skis. It would be like showing up to play golf with wooden clubs. I didn’t want to be the guy everybody is sneaky pointing at because I still have straight skis. So I went to Ski Market before I left for the mountain and rented a pair of skis and boots. It was 40 bucks for both things for the entire week. Not a bad deal, but it ended up being a total waste of money. While lots of things have changed in the world of skiing, apparently ski technicians still haven’t found out how to make a comfortable pair of ski boots. So here is lesson number one. Just accept the fact that you’re going to be in intense pain from your boots. It’s just part of the deal I guess. And as far as those new curvy skis go, I don’t think it really matters. I was expecting them to convert me into Alberto Tomba or something, but no such luck. Again, to use the golf analogy…if you are a 100 handicap I don’t think using a Titlelist golf ball as opposed to Top Flight is really going to affect your performance. You’re better off just saving your money. Who cares if people are laughing at you?

Okay, after I rented my ski equipment the next task was to get to the mountain. Killington is just about three hours from Boston. If I drove my 1990 Maroon Plymouth Voyager minivan to Vermont it would have taken close to 7 hours and it would have been even money whether we ever made it. So I was forced to do what every 27 year old man loves to do and that was ask to borrow my mom’s car. Nothing like taking the old girlfriend up North for a romantic weekend in Mommy’s car. Apparently I was overwhelmed with driving a vehicle that goes more then 40 mph’s without fierce shaking because I thought I was Mario Andretti. I was determined to cut the 3 hour trip down to 2 hours. This was a bad mistake because the New Hampshire state police troopers are everywhere. And I paid the price in spades. Officially I was clocked at 93 mph. Ouch. When the state trooper asked me what happened, the only thing I could muster was that there was some sort of hill that caused me to go that fast. It’s honestly the lamest excuse I’ve ever had for anything in my life. The worst part is that any speeding ticket over 90 mph automatically requires you to appear in court. Nice, nothing like needing to borrow my mom’s car again to go appear in court for a 93 mph speeding ticket that I got in her car. In the end, the state trooper knocked the ticket down to 90 mph and $216 dollars later I was back on my way. If you don’t want to ruin your trip before you get started I highly suggest going the speed limit. And as the First Lady kindly reminded me, that type of speeding ticket is like 12 points on my insurance. As a side note, another little hint about taking long road trips is to try and resist the urge to buy Smart Food popcorn at rest stops. Despite how good that stuff tastes it stinks to high heaven and gets all over everything. You might as well buy Jax.

So 3.5 hours after I left Boston, and $216 poorer, I finally arrived at the mountain. In my mind, lodging is the most critical part of a ski vacation. We stayed at a place called The Grand which was right on the mountain. All we had to do was walk across a little bridge to get to the chair lift. While the lodging was fairly expensive I determined long ago that I’d never go skiing if I had to take shuttles everywhere and lug my ski gear around like a fool. Listen, I go on vacation so I can get away from riding the green line. Riding a ski shuttle makes riding the green line look like the Flume at Canobie Lake Park. In order for me to enjoy skiing I need it to be as easy as possible. Therefore, despite the fact I’m broke as hell I’d rather shell out the extra cash to be on the Mountain then need to take shuttles everywhere and carry my gear all over creation sweating my ass off.

While I was very happy with the location of our lodging I couldn’t help but think that Killington was a mountain for suckers. The reason I say this is because the only license plates that I saw the entire trip were from New Jersey and New York. No massholes to be found anywhere. This always makes me a bit nervous. The vibe that I got was that Killington was perfect for people who could care less about spending ridiculous amounts of money. And this turned out to be the truth. A bottle of water cost 3 dollars. A pair of mesh shorts cost 60 dollars. (no joke) A Corona cost 5 bucks. Everybody kept telling me that Killington was a resort town. Bullcrap. Maybe a ski mountain like Vail or some mountain out West could qualify as a resort town, but certainly not a place in the middle of Vermont where it’s 6 degrees out. When I think of a resort town I think of the Caribbean where it’s 80 and sunny every day. However, after hearing over and over what a resort town Killington was I decided to take the First Lady out for a nice dinner at a place called Choices. After all, don’t resort towns have great food? Apparently the answer is no because the food sucked. Maybe it was our fault for ordering fish in a ski town, but that was what people were recommending. What I recommend is that whenever you go skiing stick with pizza and burgers. And don’t worry if you are trying to impress somebody because the bill will make you feel like you ate at Abe + Louie’s. I ordered a large and a small pizza and it cost 30 bucks. I admit I don’t know the first thing about skiing, but I feel like anybody who knows anything about anything wouldn’t have recommended Killington. It was obscenely expensive.

Okay, on to the actual skiing. Obviously I’ve made it quite clear that I’m no expert. On the other hand I can ski, just not that good. I used to go skiing a couple times a year when I was a kid right up until high school when real sports take over and you can’t get away. Whenever I used to go skiing as a kid, I was all about attacking the black diamonds. I’d usually end up getting to the bottom on my face, but at least I could say I did it. Well those days are long gone. The First Lady and I spent the majority of our time conquering green circle trails like the Yodeler and Low Road. Trust me when I say that skiing green circles is allot more fun and less stressful then taking on trails like the Devil’s Fiddle. And I’m not just saying this because I don’t have health insurance. Skiing is supposed to be fun. It’s hard to enjoy yourself when you’re scared that you may die. A couple other things I learned on the trip. Despite what your girlfriend says, don’t attach your ski ticket to the front zipper of your jacket because the second you start skiing it will blow up in your face and blind you. Second, if you lose your gloves don’t try and be a tough guy and ski a few runs without them. I still have frost bite from this maneuver. And finally, never take your eyes off your skiing companion because the best part of skiing is still watching somebody you know fall. In fact, it may not be the worst idea in the world to sneaky cut them off to help create a spill.

All in all, I’d say that my trip to Killington was a success. As I mentioned earlier I wouldn’t recommend this particular mountain because it is ridiculously expensive. But that doesn’t mean that the lessons learned can’t be carried over to other mountains. Don’t speed on your way there, get lodging on the mountain, stick with pizza and burgers, and make sure you watch your friends or girlfriend at all times so you can watch them fall which will create lasting memories for the future.