A Shameless Frontrunner Comes Clean.
Uh, Hi everyone. [Clears throat]. Hello? Excuse me? Could I uh, could I have your attention for just a minute? Yeah, hi. Thanks. Um, this is a great party and I don’t want to take up too much of your time, I just want to thank all you Bruins fans for letting me be here. I mean, I know I’m sort of late to this thing and I’m more or less showing up uninvited. Actually “crashing” might be a better word, ha ha... But since I’ve been away for... let’s see... 2009 minus blah blah, carry the 1... my entire adult life, I feel like I owe you guys an explanation of where I’ve been and why I’ve chosen to come back now.
You know, it’s funny. Last week I was driving somewhere early on a Sunday morning and found myself listening to a national sports talk show and the douchebag host was going on about Boston and how we’re all a bunch of front runners and if you see a Boston guy wearing a Bruins jersey it’s still got the price tag on it and all sorts of crap like that. And I just want you to know flat out none of it is true. Bruins fans are NOT front runners. But I am. And that’s what I want to talk about.
Look, this is a hard thing to admit. Especially to you guys who are the John McLane of sports fans. Frontrunnerism is one of the most despicable things anyone can ‘fess up to. But I’m guilty. I was a fan, I stopped caring, and now I’m back. There’s your Webster’s definition of “frontrunner” personified. But while I’m not proud of it, I don’t apologize for it either. I’m no different than a lot of fans in this town. There was a time I loved the Bruins, I loved hockey, but there came a point where enough was a goddamned ‘nough and I bailed. The Bruins owners had a massive reservoir of fan loyalty and whether it was due to incompetence or greed... or as I believe, both... they drained the pond. You’re the guys who stayed behind when the rest of us found other things to do with our time and money. To finish the metaphor, you’re the last few inches of water that remained.
The rest of us all moved on each have a different time when they just stopped following the B’s like we used to. Mine is probably when Harry Sinden and the Jacobses that held his leash all those years shitcanned Don Cherry... a great coach and one of the Top 5 most interesting characters to ever come through Boston... for no other reason than he was getting all the attention. So Grapes went on to become a TV legend and no one in town can name more than 4 or 5 of the 27 coaches they’ve had since. I know that sounds like a long time to hold a grudge, but it’s really just one example of the kind of thing that made me and tens of millions of Bruins fans like me, move on with our lives. In no particular order, those reasons are:
The Bruins themselves. I know you’ll hate to hear this, but search your hearts and you’ll know I’m right. For almost 40 years, the B’s have been the runt of the Boston sports litter. If the Red Sox and Celtics were the JFK and RFK, the Bruins were Ted. In the ten years between the asskicking over Montreal and their last playoff series win, the other teams have combined for six championships. In the 21st century, the B’s have been Boston’s Shemp. It’s Cousin Oliver. The Ringo. Our Zeppo Marx. The Bruins have been Boston’s Cynthia Nixon, the homely one the other three hang out with because they look good next to her.
The NHL. Grant me this at least: It’s hard to get excited about a team, and a sport, that’s run by such a collection of assclowns. The league that puts their entire slate of games on QVC. That skipped a season over a lockout that no one noticed. That puts teams in cities where “frozen” only means the opposite of “on the rocks.” Let me give you an extreme example. The NFL, the best run sports organization on the planet, has a team in a small Midwestern city. So does the NHL. The first is the Green Bay Packers, a team so much a part of the culture it’s hard to imagine the league, the state of Wisconsin, or the US for that matter, existing without them. The other team is the Columbus Blue Jackets, whom I’m pretty sure took sticks across the face from the Hanson Brothers.
Bruins fans. Yes you. Look, I love you guys. I’m on record as saying that. I took my son to a game last month and I couldn’t have been more impressed by the people in the stands. They’re the best fans in Boston and I said so on the Barstool blog. Not a poser or a pink hatter or a corporate phoney to be found anywhere in the Garden. B’s fan know their hockey. The Garden crowd doesn’t get down on the players until they start playing flat and need a swift kick in the ass. The couple next to us were friendly. Honestly, you’re great.
But guys, seriously, you need to lighten up. I don’t mean stop pulling for them. Just stop being so deadly serious about it. Like I said, you guys are great, but you’ve got less of a sense of humor about your team than any other fans in Boston. You guys guard hockey like it’s some sacred birthright. You’re Opus Dei and hockey is the holy secret you’re sworn to defend. I mean, cut the crap. Part of the fun of not liking hockey is seeing how pissed off you guys get when someone tools on it. Hell, I like golf and figure skating fercryinoutloud, but I don’t get riled up when someone tells me how pathetic that is. Up until this year I was still writing blogs that said stuff like “When the NHL lockout is finally over...” and commenters would respond with “Hockey’s been back for 4 years now! What are u, gay?” and the like. No other fans in Boston are so incapable of goofing on their team. Red Sox fans and JD Drew. Pats fans and Ellis Hobbs. The Celtics won the title last year, but that didn’t stop anyone from having a chuckle at the expense of Scal or Big Baby or KG’s bizarre post game rant. But let someone rank on the Bruins and you’re the Knights of Templar ready to slit Indiana Jones’ throat to protect the Holy Grail. You know what was hilarious? The way you all were ready to have a Duckboat parade because they took the Canadiens to 7 games (after getting shutout in Game 7 no less) last year or the way you turned out to see the Stanley Cup Ray Bourque won in Colorado, is hilarious. In ways you’re too stubborn or sensitive to appreciate.
That’s not to put you guys down, I promise you. Believe me, I have friends that are hardcore hockey fans. How hardcore? Guys who talk Beanpot Tournament talk. Who read “Hockey Digest.” Who watch November games against the Columbus Blue Jacket. Barstool’s Bruins blogger Rearadmiral is one of my favorite people. As is Bon, a Hockey Krishna who runs the BSS message board. And listening to them talk 4th line scoring or the Neutral Zone Trap or Demilitarized Zone or Romulan Neutral Zone or whatever it’s called is a foreign language to me, though I’m not criticizing. Hockey is a niche sport. A specialty. But I’m not saying they’re not real sports fans the way Elaine kept reminding her boyfriend he’s a podiatrist, not a real doctor.
I say that to you now because I’m back in. I like the Bruins hockey I’ve been seeing. We live in a town with the reigning NBA champs and the Teams of the Decade in baseball and football, but right now to me it seems like the Bruins are the ones we’re excited about. I know I am. And with good reason. They don’t seem like they’re built on the old Harry Sinden model of “Surround two stars with 17 poke checkers who’ll work cheap and when it doesn’t work out scapegoat the stars then cash your paycheck.” I like the whole Cults of Personality around guys who can fight, skate and score, like Chara, Lucic and Thornton. The current Bruins seem talented. And tough, and disciplined and smart. And most importantly, they’re fun to watch.
I mean when I say I’ve always rooted for them. I’d rather have a Boston team win in any sport, any time. Hell, I hope the Revolution the Whatever Cup, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to watch soccer. For some reason though, I’m pushing my emotional chips back into the middle of the table with the Bruins this year for the first time in forever. If you guys don’t want me squeezing my way onto bandwagon, I fully respect that. I acknowledge that you’re the ones who have been here throughout and I’m just a claim jumper. I’ll still be happy for you and for me, but I’m not about to pretend I’m not just getting back into this. Anyway, sorry to crash your party and thanks for letting me show up here. I hope you’ll allow me to stick around; I’d appreciate it. Now back to the party. And if anyone could get me a Sox score, that’d be great too.