The Second City’s Second Rate Fans

The Second City’s Second Rate Fans

Chicago Cubs’ fans- It’s time to get your heads out of your asses.

The lovable loser thing isn’t working anymore. In fact, it’s become downright pathetic. Over the course of the weekend, I had innumerable conversations with Cubs’ fans and without fail they all said the same thing: Now that the Sox have won a World Series aren’t you rooting for our Cubs to do the same thing?

In a word, no. I could care less about the Cubs. I don’t care if the Cubs ever win another World Series. If almighty God descended from heaven right now and plopped down beside me and my dog and asked me to choose between the Cubs winning a World Series and me getting to sit on the couch and watching The Deadliest Catch, I’m picking Alaskan king crabs without hesitation. Ending 97-years of waiting for millions of Cubs’ fans or watching some greenhorn bait crab traps- it’s really not a contest.

And the sad part is that that probably hurts your feelings a little bit because you have it in your head that we share some sort of baseball kinship because of our shared decades of frustration. We don’t. Want to know the difference? It’s the big, shiny championship trophy sitting in Fenway. You want someone to suffer with you, call a Yankees’ fan.

I know that I was supposed to embrace Cubs’ fans as my Midwestern brothers. I really tried. I love Chicago, the city. I spent a few hours Saturday afternoon at Castaways on North Avenue Beach with the Minogue Brothers of Medford- nachos, 16 oz. Bud Lights, a tremendously awful 80’s cover band, beautiful day- and couldn’t imagine a better place to drink. The bars I went to were great. The area around Wrigley is awesome and Wrigley itself is unbelievable. The weekend would have been perfect if it wasn’t for all of the insufferable Cubs’ fans.

I couldn’t walk down Michigan Avenue without some idiot harping to me about the Cubs. On Saturday morning after the Sox lost the first game of the series, people were talking smack to me. Cubs’ fans, let me ask you one question: At what point does it seem like a good idea to talk trash to someone with the reigning World Series and Super Bowl champions in his backyard over a worthless June game? I had one bartender tell me that it took a lot of guts to wear my Sox shirt out after the Friday night game. I looked at him like he was insane. Did the 2004 World Series somehow not get televised in the greater Chicago area? I was so stunned anyone would say anything that stupid. Is that what it means to be a Cubs’ fan- your team wins a game in June against a decent team and you suddenly feel like the kings of the world.

Standing in Murphy’s before the game on Sunday, there were actually people that brought brooms to Wrigley for the final game of the series because you were a win away from sweeping the weekend. The weekend in June. J-U-N-E. That is just embarrassing. Is that what it’s come down to for you guys? You’re poised to win an essentially meaningless interleague series and fans are pulling out brooms. There was even some moron dressed up as a gorilla holding a Red Sox fan inside a cage. First of all, it was about 90˚ and very, very sticky so I can only imagine the horror show inside that gorilla costume. Second of all, it’s freakin’ June.

Repeat after me, Cubbies- championships are won in September not June 12th.

I understand that after 97-years of waiting that any victory, no matter how shallow, must resonate a little bit more, particularly when you consider that the Bulls, Bears and Blackhawks won’t be bringing home a title anytime soon. But to get so worked up that you’re bringing brooms is just embarrassing.

So, Cubs’ fans, here’s what you need to do to stop being such a joke. First, stop being happy that people love coming to Wrigley. I’ll begrudgingly admit that Wrigley, both inside and outside, is superior to Fenway. Not by a lot but there are some things that you can’t argue with- cup holders, seats that you can actually fit in, leg room, seats that face the playing field. Compare that to Fenway- tiny seats, no leg room, archaic seating system, seats facing everywhere but the playing field.

You can’t do anything about the simple creature comforts that make Wrigley great, but you have to stop being so accommodating to opposing fans. You should want Wrigley to be a place that opposing teams and fans hate to come to. Instead, the games Friday and Saturday were basically Sox home games. You need to start getting angry, start getting possessive- it’s your park. The worse thing I saw happen to a Sox fan in Wrigley was getting a few peanuts tossed in his direction. And then another Cubs’ fan alerted security and ratted on the Cubs’ fan throwing the peanuts. That just can’t happen.

You were also exceedingly genteel towards the Red Sox players. Last week, five Sox players were on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Do I have to write your material for you? I once heard a guy at Fenway heckle Andres Galarraga about his cancer. Now, that’s probably an extreme but you get the idea.

Second, you have to stop caring about what other fans think of you. Boston fans were assholes long before we had a championship. We didn’t care whether or not fans from Milwaukee had a good time when they came to Fenway. We weren’t worried that some Mariners’ fan knew how to get back to his hotel. If you weren’t yapping in my ear about a possible sweep, you were pestering me with questions about whether or not I liked Chicago. It’s like you all have a giant inferiority complex which I don’t understand. You’re Chicago. You’re a big city with a serious sports legacy. Stop being so needy.

And lastly, start getting pissed off about your team. Real Red Sox fans never embraced the curse and certainly not to the ridiculous extremes that the producers at Fox or Dan Shaughnessy would like the rest of the world to believe. The Cubs’ fans I met seemed to revel in their ineptitude, proud of the fact that no one they knew had ever seen the Cubs win a World Series. Don’t worry that some idiot from Boston is rooting for you. Worry, that you are starting to buy into all of the media’s asinine portrayals.

And the next time you win the first two games of a three game series at home in June, leave the freakin’ brooms in the closet. You can take them out again in October, you amateurs.

Jamie Chisholm