Searching For Bobby Gonzalez

Ed.note: Article written the night before Keno Davis accepted the head job at Providence.

As most college basketball fans are well aware, since the firing of Tim Welsh a few weeks ago, everybody and their sister has rejected the chance to coach the once competitive men’s hoops team at Providence College, which the last I checked was still in the Big East, right?   Jim Larranga decided to stay at George Mason.  Then Travis Ford said, “Thanks, but no thanks.  I like UMass better.”  Huh?  Now the guy from Brown I can understand.  He probably just wanted out of Rhode Island, which is fair.  Either way, as a borderline-proud Providence alum who saw his team one shot away from the Final Four in 1997, this just flat-out sucks.  We don’t have a freakin hoops coach!   So today I’ll be doing God’s work (cheap pun intended) and providing my top 10 selections for the new head coach at PC.  

Round of 32 or bust, baby!

1. John Wooden

That’s right – I’m starting at the top.  Somebody asked me the other day who I thought was the best coach out there right now and immediately I replied, “John Wooden”.  I’m right, aren’t I?   Assuming he’s alive.  Now I did a little research for this article – and confirmed that yes, he fell down the stairs recently but he’s doing fine out in LA-LA land at 97 years young.  Who better to take the Friars to the Promise Land (not the NIT) than a man who’s won 10 national championships and in the Hall of Fame?  I can’t think of one.  Surely Wooden would love Providence – and Providence would welcome him with open arms, an Awful-Awful and an interview with Mario Hilario. 

2. Bobby Knight

Hey Bobby Knight, how’d that Pitt pick work out for you?  Next time you ramble for days the week leading up to the Tournament about a team, make sure they get out of the second round.  Listen this analyst gig clearly isn’t working out for the General – what he needs now is to get back into coaching.  And the place is Providence College.  I mean what’s been lacking in the team since Welsh took over in ‘99?  Besides an offensive set.  Discipline, exactly.  To be fair, they didn’t have much of that with Gillen either.  But with Bobby Knight at the helm, that won’t be a problem.  Sure he might rub a few of the Catholics the wrong way (that didn’t come out right) but an NCAA bid will surely make up for any expletives he might unleash at commencement.  “Liberal Arts?  That’s a horseshit degree right there, kid!”

3. Pat Summitt

Seriously, what else does Pat Summitt have to prove at Tennessee?  After another national championship this year with the Lady Vols, you gotta figure she’s up for bigger and better challenges.  No, not the WNBA.  Clearly the next step for Summitt is the “summit” of college basketball – the Dunkin Donuts Center in Providence, RI.  And speaking of John Wooden, she’s the female version of the “Wizard of Westwood” except younger and with a bigger penis.   But who cares?  A good coach is a good coach.  Just ask the Knicks.

4. Bobby Gonzalez

Now right off the bat, the former Friar assistant and current Seton Hall coach is suspended for the first game of next year’s Big East regular season, however I’m sure the Dominican Friars/Providence mob can work something out with the league.  Gonzalez worked under Pete Gillen at PC from ’94-’98 and was the primary recruiter in New York City, helping bring guys like God Shamgod and Jamel Thomas to Providence.  If he can do it once, I’m sure he can do it again.  Plus, he’s still a popular guy in Providence and already familiar with the area, traditions and nudie bars of the city.   Plus, he just needs to get the heck out of Jersey.  Coming back to Providence would be, as they say, “good for both sides”.  Also I named the article after him, which helps.

5. Ewing

Why not?  I see Ewing all the time taking up 16 chairs on the sidelines coaching the Magic and watching his kid play at Georgetown.  Was there a better low-post player in college in the last 30 years?   Ewing would be a great mentor to the current group of Friar big men looking to do an illegal drop-step move every time they get the ball in the paint.  Plus, he’s got semi-local connections as he played his high school ball in Cambridge.  Am I reaching with this one?  No?

6. My Buddy Randy

Listen, nobody knows Providence hoops like my buddy Randy (PC class of ’98).  Nobody. It doesn’t matter if you never heard of him, this is the man who once designed an entire blueprint for blowing the roof off Schneider Arena (the hockey rink) and turning it into an on-campus arena.  See, my buddy Randy understood, way back in ’94, what an on-campus arena would do for a program, i.e. UConn, UMass, every school in the Big East except Providence.  I know an on-campus arena won’t solve everything, but it would certainly help in recruiting and more importantly shows the forward thinking and ingenuity of my buddy Randy.  Now let’s see if he can translate it on the sidelines.  Note: He also picked Kansas to win the whole thing this year and played high school basketball if that helps.

7. Billy Donovan

Hotter chicks, bigger talent pool, 2 national championships.  The sun.  You could certainly argue Billy Donovan has a lot of reasons to stay down in Florida.  But what’s the old expression – you always come home again?  Or is it you never come home again?  Whatever it is, Billy Donovan needs to come back to Providence.  You ask him his most memorable moment in life – it still has to be making the Final Four as a 6-seed with the Friars in 1987.   It’s true, even with all his success down in Florida, Donovan has to realize football is still king there…  Whereas in Providence, it’ll be a dual monarchy between him, and Buddy Cianci.

8.  Gene Hackman

I’ve always said that if you played Gene Hackman’s pre-game speech in “Hoosiers” to any team in any sport, your chances to win the game increased 10 fold.  “4 passes!”   I mean there’s nothing any coach can say that’ll fire you up more than Hackman’s speech.  Now imagine if you had the actual Gene Hackman in the locker room before a big late season game against South Florida!  Goose bumps, chills, the shits; whatever you want to call it – that’s what you’ll get if Gene Hackman coaches the Friars.  He’s alive too, right?

9. Rick Pitino’s Kid

Well obviously Rick Sr. is all set at Louisville, but I hear his kid might be interested in coaching.  Apparently he graduated from Providence a few years ago and it seems like the perfect fit.  Just like Eddie Sutton and his kid down at Oklahoma State.  Uhhh.  Either way, I like the idea of bringing a Pitino, any Pitino, back to Providence.  If not, we might as well get the Sutton kid on the horn.

10.  The DJ at the Foxy Lady

Finally, there’s no one more respected in Providence, or any town, than the DJ at the local strip club.  If he says “Chardonnay to the main stage!”  You bet your ass Chardonnay is making her way to the main stage.  If he says, “Pocahontas to the side”, Pocahontas is heading for the side.  And if he says, “Box out on the free throw!”  You can rest assured nobody is getting an offensive rebound that night against the Friars at the line.  Forget Bobby Knight and Pat Summitt, the DJ at the Foxy can probably get through to these players more than anybody.   And recruiting?  That shouldn’t be a problem, either.