A Schizo Red Sox Fan Talks to Himself
[Note: The following is the transcript of a discussion that took place in the Executive Conference Room at the Barstool Sports World Headquarters on April 2, just prior to the start of the Red Sox 2007 season opener.]
Me:Hello? Is, is this on? [taps microphone] Alright, it’s working. [clears throat] OK, um, let’s begin. Seated to my right, in the green Red Sox cap, with the Dice-K t-shirt, Red Sox Nation wrist band and drinking from a dinged-up 2004 World Champions coffee mug is Barstool writer and noted Red Sox ass kisser Jerry Thornton…
Jerry:[smiling] Hi.
Me:And seated to my left, dressed all in black and sporting a goatee, is his evil twin. Glad you could make it, Evil Jerry.
Evil Jerry: [glares and says nothing]
Me:OK, let’s get started. First of all, obviously you two have co-existed in the same body for a long time. And yet you have two entirely different outlooks on the Red Sox. Evil Jerry, how would you characterize regular Jerry’s attitude toward the Sox and how does it differ from yours?
Evil Jerry: It’s simple, really. Ever since he was a little fat kid, sitting inside all summer watching every pitch of every game, he’s been incapable of any sort of objectivity when it comes to the Sox. Every rookie is a future MVP. Every pitcher is a Cy Young candidate. Every journeyman and career backup they sign is the guy that’ll put them over the top. Every Sox manager is just the right guy for the job. Did he tell you when he was a kid he used to stick up for Don Zimmer?
Me:Is this true?
Jerry:Well, yeah, I guess…
Evil Jerry: Or that when Grady Little left Pedro in to pitch the 8th in Game 7, he turned to his brother on the couch next to him that it was a great move?
Me:Jerry?
Jerry:OK. Yeah, I did say that. I admit, it wasn’t my finest moment. But in my defense, I think I was having a stroke. And the next year, after they lost Game 3 19-8, for the first time ever, I listened to Evil Jerry and gave up all hope. I’m ashamed to admit it now, but when the Sox came back and won Game 4... the Dave Roberts steal game…I wasn’t celebrating like everyone else because I had quit on them. It was like The Rapture, and the one time the Sox finally turned things around, I wasn’t standing among the True Believers because of Evil Jerry.
Me:Well, that’s all in the past, I guess. Let’s talk about the present. Jerry, how do you see the 2007 season shaping up for the Sox?
Jerry:In all honesty, I think they’re the favorites to win it all this year…
Evil Jerry: Phfft…That’s a shock…
Jerry:I’m serious. I truly believe it. Look, if a lifetime squandered watching baseball has taught me anything it’s this: you win World Series with a little bit of power hitting, tough outs in the rest of your lineup, good starting pitching and a closer. What team fits that mold better than the Sox?
Me:Well what about the closer? Jerry, didn’t you spend all off season saying that they better stick to their guns and keep Jonathan Papelbon in the rotation? That Paps would give them 130 or so more innings as a starter? And that once they committed to starting him they better not mess with him by moving him back?
Jerry:OK, yeah, I said that. But the fact is that every move they made this off season would go up in smoke if they didn’t have a guy who could slam the door shut in the late innings. And with Papelbon back there, teams will know they’ve got until the 8th inning to stage a comeback, because if they’re behind in the 9th, the game is over.
Evil Jerry: [laughs] I love it. So the kid spends all winter preparing to be a starter, then “poof!” he’s a closer again? No worries? What the hell happened to last September when they said he couldn’t close or his arm will fall off? Did they find some miracle cure? Or is it that they just couldn’t find a legit closer, so now they just expect everyone to forget what they’ve been saying for seven friggin’ months? It’s laughable.
Me:You obviously don’t agree with the Papelbon move, Evil Jerry, but in general, how do you assess the club’s chances this year?
Evil Jerry: First of all, look at the starting pitching, which everyone says is a strength of the team. Schilling is 40. If it wasn’t for run support, Beckett would’ve been 10-17 last year. Matsuzaka is a complete enigma. Wakefield will go 13-11 like he does every year. And even regular Jerry admitted that Tavarez didn’t pitch a 1-2-3 inning in all of 2006.
Jerry: Jeez, that’s so typical. This is “Whiner Line” level stuff. If Dice-K signed with the Yankees, you’d be screaming that the Sox should’ve done whatever it took to get him. Well they did, and it’s like you’re already waiting to call him a bust. Schilling was a beast. Beckett won 16 games. Wake is Wake and Tavarez will go .500 like every 5th starter in baseball. Meanwhile, the Yankees are trotting out a 38 year old Mike Mussina, Andy Pettite who was .500 last year, and Carl Pavano who hasn’t thrown a pitch since before Locke opened the hatch on “Lost.”
Evil Jerry: Fine. You want to talk about the lineup then? Look at the bottom third of the Sox order. Next week Varitek becomes a 35 year old catcher, which means it’s Soylent Green time for him.
Jerry:He’s eight months younger than Jorge Posada.
Evil Jerry: OK, Numbnuts, but what about the rest of the lineup? Crisp was a disaster last year. Pedroia has shown no indication he’s a Major Leaguer. Meanwhile the Yankees have the best lineup in baseball.
Jerry:And that’s why they won’t win. They’re put together like all those Sox teams who stunted my growth when I was a kid. Great hitting, great closer, and no pitching anywhere else. They’re the 1977 Red Sox reincarnated.
Evil Jerry: The ‘77 Sox won 97 games, Dickwad.
Me:OK, let’s keep this civil fellas. Let’s wrap this up by giving me your prediction for the season. Jerry, you go first.
Jerry:They’ve got three aces in the rotation, the best young closer in the game and the best hitting they’ve had in years. I honestly think they’re the favorite to win it all.
Evil Jerry: They’ve got two 40 year old starters, no one knows a thing about Matsuzaka, Papelbon’s health is a question and the rest of the bullpen are castoffs and failures. JD Drew will be on the Disabled List by the time the first Kenyan crosses the finish line on Patriot’s Day. Manny will quit by the time the Patriots kickoff. They’ll finish second and miss the playoffs.
Me:Well it should be an interesting season. Thanks for your time, Jerry. Sure you’re a schizophrenic, but you’re good people. Heh, heh. Get it?
Jerry:That joke sucked.
Evil Jerry: For once I agree with him.