A Scene From Red Sox Nation
FADE IN
INT. DUNKIN DONUTS -- MORNING
Five men sit at a table. Cups of coffee, donuts, bagels and breakfast sandwiches cover nearly the entire tabletop. DAN SHAUGHNESSY, the longtime Boston Globe columnist, known as much for his curly red hair as his annual midseason proclamation that the Yankees won’t make the playoffs. BEN AFFLECK, Hollywood actor who manages to sit beside the Red Sox dugout at every nationally televised game. GLENN ORDWAY, loud-mouthed king of Boston sports radio. HAROLD REYNOLDS, former ESPN baseball analyst. JAMIE CHISHOLM, devastatingly handsome, erudite, stupendously talented, exceedingly humble writer for Barstool Sports.
The topic of discussion: the future of the Boston Red Sox.
ORDWAY: (screaming) They’re done! Finished! You look at the makeup of this team and you have to say to yourself, can this team win the World Series? Can they!
CHISHOLM: Why are you yelling? We’re all sitting at the same table.
ORDWAY: (still screaming) Why am I yelling? That is exactly the type of Theo Epstein ball-washing that I’m talking about! Why am I telling? You have a $100 million payroll, you have superstars like Schilling and Manny and Papi, you have a fan base that expects to win and what happens? The Sox end up two games out of first place. (a pause to catch his breath) Two games! It’s August for god’s sake! No team in the history of baseball has ever come back from a two game deficit in August to make the playoffs. That’s a fact.
CHISHOLM: I’m not sure that’s true.
AFFLECK: I’m wearing a Red Sox hat.
(The other four men look at Affleck confused. Affleck smiles proudly, pointing at his Red Sox hat. )
SHAUGHNESSY: You want facts, kid? Well, here you go. Fact. This Red Sox team as presently constructed will not make the playoffs. Fact. The Red Sox baseball operations, too busy talking about Beverly Hills 90210, or whatever the hell it is young people do nowadays, screwed up royally when they didn’t pull the trigger on a deadline deal. Fact. The Yankees, who never hesitate, made a big-time deal. Fact. Theo’s lack of action at the deadline cost the Red Sox the AL East.
ORDWAY: Yeah know, I don’t usually agree with Dan but I got to say that he’s right on the money. Listen, you can’t make the playoffs relying on guys like Hansen and Delcarmen. What happens is that the fans… (Ordway says the word “fans” as if the word carries the same connotation as “terrorist” or “pedophile.)
ORDWAY (CONT’D.): Believe all the hype about these young players and expect them to be the second-coming. Well, they’re not.
CHISHOLM: Yeah, but aren’t WEEI and papers like the Globe and Herald responsible for hyping these players? So why should fans suddenly not believe that guys like Hansen, Lester, Delcarmen and Pedroia aren’t any good when all they’ve heard and read from the Boston media the past year is how good they are?
SHAUGNESSY: Because now we’re telling them that those same guys are expendable. If the average Red Sox fan can’t keep up with the Boston’s media’s short attention span and fickle tastes, well, then whose fault is that?
REYNOLDS: That Brazilian chick behind the counter had been eyeing me since we sat down. Damn, she wants her some HR. Fellas, I’m gonna go up there and seal the deal but I leave you with this thought: Even if the Red Sox get everyone back healthy- Wells, Clement, Foulke, Nixon and Varitek- they’re still not as good as the Yankees, White Sox or Tigers.
(Reynolds gets up from his seat. He pulls out a tube of chapstick from his pocket and slathers a healthy portion all over his lips.)
REYNOLDS (CONT’D.): Later, pussies.
CHISHOLM: Wait a minute. You all believe that just because the Red Sox are two games out of first place and a half game out of the Wild Card,that the season is over?
SHAUGHNESSY: Yup.
ORDWAY: Yup.
AFFLECK: I have on my Red Sox socks.
CHISHOLM: But, what about the fact that the Red Sox play the Yankees nine more times this season, including a sick five game series coming up in a few weeks? The Sox and Yankees always play each other close. Are you really telling me that the Sox couldn’t take three out of five of that series to grab a game back in the standings?
ORDWAY: Bobby Abreu! Cory Lidle! Craig Wilson! Bobby Abreu! Cory Lidle! Craig Wilson! Bobby Abreu! Cory Lidle! Craig Wilson! Bobby Abreu! Cory Lidle! Craig Wilson!
CHISHOLM: All you’re doing is yelling names. Is Bobby Abreu really a difference maker?
SHAUGHNESSY: You simple, simple man. Is Bobby Abreu a difference maker? Of course, he is. The guy has 8 home runs.
CHISHOLM: OK…but, the Yankees’ problem was never offense. Are you really convinced that Randy Johnson and Mike Mussina can carry the team down the stretch?
ORDWAY: (yelling, breakfast sandwich remnants fly from his mouth): Cory Lidle!
CHISHOLM: Yes, Glen, I understand that they also added Cory Lidle. Can you stop yelling out his name?
SHAUGHNESSY: A rotation of Johnson, Mussina, Wang and Lidle. That’s unbeatable. That’s maybe the greatest rotation in the history of baseball. The Red Sox have nothing that can match that.
CHISHOLM: Really? You don’t think that Schilling, Beckett, Lester and a healthy Wakefield isn’t just as good? And let’s not forget that the Yankees’ bullpen, minus Mo, isn’t exactly lights-out?
ORDWAY: Listen, Chisholm. You keep talking like what will be happening three weeks from now matters. Are you even from Boston? Here’s the deal. The Sox lost a couple of stinkers against the Devil Rays. Ergo, the Red Sox stink and won’t make the playoffs. It’s not quantum physics.
CHISHOLM: But isn’t that short-sighted? I mean the Red Sox have been one of baseball’s top teams all season. They’re really banged-up right now but there is still a lot of talent on this squad.
SHAUGHNESSY: Who cares about all that crap? This is Boston. You know what matters? The here and now. Right here and right now, the Red Sox suck. They’re dead and buried.
CHISHOLM: But, it’s just two games. I think that if you told the Red Sox that they would be only two games out of first in August after losing their right fielder, center fielder, three starting pitchers and their catcher that they would take that. And I think that most of the fans would too.
ORDWAY: It’s been what, about 20 years since the Red Sox last won the AL East. Accept it, the Yankees have the Red Sox number.
CHISHOLM: Who cares about the AL East? I swear, I think the only people who care about the division race are the people still pissed off that the Wild Card exists. Last time, I checked the Red Sox had won a World Series more recently than the Yankees.
SHAUGHNESSY: You don’t have to remind me. Goddamn World Series victory cost me thousands. Lots of potential Curse profits shit the bed.
ORDWAY: Chisholm, you just don’t get it. The Red Sox are finished and you want to know why? Because me and Dan and few other media people say so because if we said otherwise, you know what that would make us?
CHISHOLM: No, what?
ORDWAY (shivering): Fans.
SHAUGHNESSY: Ewwww.
ORDWAY: Exactly, Dan. Ewwww is right. Fans in this town always want to believe in the Red Sox. (sarcastically) We’re Red Sox Nation. We have Big Papi. We’re gonna win.
SHAUGHNESSY: Only fans root for the team. We’re media professionals. Maybe you fans don’t get it but we do. You all run around thinking that a two game deficit in early August is no big deal. You’re wrong. It’s a big deal. It’s a very big deal. Because we say so. Your team is already dead and you just don’t know it.
ORDWAY: Accept it. The season’s over.
CHISHOLM: I don’t accept it. There’s still two months to play. If the Sox get some key players back and keep the Yankees in sight, then there’s no reason to think that the Sox can’t make the playoffs. If the Sox are in first place in three weeks, will you still be saying that the Sox are dead?
ORDWAY: If the Sox are in first place in three weeks, I’ll magically forget that this conversation ever took place.
SHAUGHNESSY: Me too. I’ll be driving the bandwagon.
AFFLECK: I like saying “Youk” when Kevin Youkilis comes up to bat. It sounds like everyone is booing him. But we’re not. We’re just saying Youk. That’s funny.
(Chisholm, Shaughnessy and Ordway shake their heads as Affleck says “Youk” and begins laughing to himself. )
FADE OUT