Running Through The Brady Baby Scenarios
People who know me best can tell you that the only person in the world I admire more than Tom Brady is his boss, the towering genius Bill Belichick. (A close third would be Monica Bellucci, even though her security guards don't see it that way. They can do what they want, but mark my words, she and I will be together. By now I've built up such a tolerance to their pepper spray I've started putting it on chicken wings. But I digress.)
And like most of Brady's fans, I've struggled mightily with the whole Bridget Moynahan pregnancy situation. I've gone through all the Patriots Fan's Five Stages of Tom Brady's Out-of-Wedlock Pregnancy-Related Grief:
1. Denial- "Uh-uh. There's no way Brady would be dumb enough to impregnate his ex."
2. Bargaining- "This is Bridget's fault. She knew he was dumping her for Giselle so she stopped taking her birth patrol."
3. Depression- "Oh, God, this baby mess is going to wreck the team. No more championships, ever."
4. Anger- "Dammit! Why couldn't Brady just destroy my life with gawdawful commercials, like Peyton Manning?!"
With the birth of the baby upon us though, I think I've finally made it to the last stage:
5. Acceptance- "I accept that my sports hero is spreading his seed like an alley cat."
And shame on me, really. It's my own fault that it's taken me so long to come to grips with this whole thing. Because whom did I say I admire more than Brady? Belichick. And why do I admire Belichick more than any other
figure? It's not his warmth, charm or pleasant demeanor. It's not his good looks or eye for fashion. It's because Bill Belichick is the smartest, most prepared man on Earth.
I guarantee you that before Bridget even took her fallopian tube's defense off the field, leaving Tom free to throw the ball into her uterus's end zone, Belichick had already considered the possibility of this happening, and he had a plan. After all, this is the guy of whom ex-Patriot Dan Klecko said, "Coach prepares us for every little thing. We never go into a game not expecting a situation." When Matt Chatham tackled some dope who ran onto the field in a jock strap during the Super Bowl, he said "We're a Bill Belichick-coached team. We'd watched film of the guy all week."
So I have every reason to think Belichick saw this coming, and already had a contingency in place to prevent it from hurting the team. And if I'm going to admire Belichick for being prepared, for being able to Dumbledore these events and see them before they happen, I need to be ready too. Before events in the Brady baby's life unfold, I want to be prepared, Belichick-style, for any possibility.
Brady Baby Scenario No. 1:
The baby is delivered, and Tom is there. As he and Bridget share this blessed moment, they regain the spark of their relationship. Tom's inner Boy Scout comes out, and he gets back with Moynahan to raise the baby
together. Once again, he's done the impossible, only this time he's dumped the world's richest supermodel and made the nation love him for it.
Odds of this happening: 5:2
Scenario 2:
Brady stays with Giselle and ignores the baby. He becomes universally reviled. Frustrated, he just says "F-it" and embraces his new bad boy image. He sleeps around with more models, actresses, and pop stars. He starts sporting a 'do rag, a sidewards ball cap, and a grill in his mouth. Eventually he forms an interstate dog fighting ring.
Odds: Off. Inconceivable.
Scenario 3:
The baby inherits Brady's football DNA. Belichick finds a loophole still in the rulebooks from the NFL's early days that allows a team to draft the son of a player before he's draft eligible, and uses a 7th round pick to get the kid at the age of six. It's revealed that the coach arranged for the pregnancy as part of his plan to breed superior football players. With Belichick's son coaching, Brady Jr. leads the Pats to victory in Super Bowl LXV, their 12th
championship.
Odds: 5:1
Scenario 4:
The baby inherits Brady's football DNA. But mixed with Bridget's exquisite genes, the child becomes the next step in human evolution. Like a character out of "Heroes," little Brady saves the world from evil mutants using the superpowers of arm strength, leadership, acting talent, poise, toughness and unbelievable cheekbones.
Odds: 12:1
Scenario 5:
Brady enjoys fatherhood. And he decides it's time to take his rightful place at the top of the Celebrity Babe Food Chain, which has been occupied by Timberlake and Jeter for far too long. So he proceeds to impregnate every hot actress in Hollywood alphabetically, from Jessica Alba to Zhang Ziyi. The population of the US gets exponentially better looking until even Barstool cover models can't get into clubs in Boston.
Odds: 10,000:1
Scenario 6:
The baby grows up to be a spoiled, rotten little child of privilege. The brat gets tons of attention for being an athlete's kid. Brady develops a Roger Clemens-like bizarre, narcissistic obsession with the kid. The Patriots organization is forced to not only accommodate his fixation, allowing him to skip workouts so he can fly to California to watch the kid play Pop Warner, they also have to draft the little brat and act like he's got potential, just to placate their aging superstar.
Odds: 100,000:1
Scenario 7:
Tom and Bridget do the best they can under the circumstances. But no matter what they do, they can't raise their child in privacy with gossip hounds like the Inside Track and vile sports celebrity-baiting sites like barstoolsports.com tracking their every move. Eventually Brady becomes bitter and either opts to retire early or demands a trade to somewhere away from the unblinking gaze of the prying Boston public.
Odds: Even
Scenario 8:
Brady can't handle the love triangle he finds himself in. He hates having a child on the West Coast and an uber rich lingerie model waiting for him in New York while he's huddled in a film room in Foxboro, MA trying to explain the passing route tree to Chad Jackson. Brady's morale suffers. Football is no longer the top priority in his life. The Patriot's dynasty is over.
Odds: A bazillion:1 (Which might just be pure wishful thinking on my part)
Scenario 9:
Brady balances his personal life and his football life brilliantly. He lives like he's in a Norman Rockwell painting, if Norman Rockwell painted family portraits of hot baby mamas and superstar dads who live 3,000 miles away and have world class smokeshow girlfriends. Fatherhood brings out the best in him. He's more focused on winning now than ever before. The team feeds off his positive energy and in a few years the Lombardi Trophies are stacked up in the Gillette offices like a cord of wood.
Odds: Even (Again...wishful thinking.)
Scenario 10:
Jealous as hell, Giselle also pulls a fast one and gets pregnant.
Odds: 1:2 Hey, Tom. The rest of us might not be as smart as Belichick, but we can all see this one coming. If I was your coach, I'd call for "Max Protection."