The Rocket's Return
Somewhere in an alternate universe Roger Clemens has signed with the Red Sox over the Yankees…The following is how it all unfolds:
Saturday May 6, 2007
FenwayPark: 7th Inning Stretch:
Red Sox Radio Network:
Joe Castiglione: Back here at Fenway Park, where the Red Sox enjoy a 7-4 lead going into the bottom of the seventh, and the stands are a buzz with a video tribute to Roger Clemens on the big screen…and we have Wally out by the Monster, he’s gesturing to the door…IT’S ROGER CLEMENS! COMING OUT OF THE MONSTER, AND HE’S WEARING A RED SOX CAP, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!!
Roger Clemens (holding a wireless mic): Well they came and got me out of Texas, and it’s great to be back home. I’ll be talking to you all real soon!
Joe Castiglione: THE ROCKET, IN A STUNNING DEVELOPMENT, HAS BROUGHT THIS CROWD TO ITS FEET!!! IT’S UP ON THE BIG SCREEN, CLEMENS HAS SIGNED WITH THE RED SOX!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!!
NESN
Don Orsillo: (Inaudible due to loud screeching and screaming).
Jerry Remy: Well I’m not sure what you said there Don, but to get my opinion on the Rocket’s return, and to order your very own Rem Dawg “Soap on a Rope,” log on to TheRemyReport.com! You can also pick up Rem Dawg shirts, hats, contraception and more, all at TheRemyReport.com. And for our Spanish speaking audience: Puedes también coger las camisas del Rem Dawg, los sombreros, la contracepción y más, todas en TheRemyReport.com.
Back to The Red Sox Radio Network:
Joe Castiglione: Now the garage door in center is opening, here comes ELTON JOHN! HE’S PLAYING “ROCKET MAN!” THERE ARE GUYS ON EITHER SIDE OF HIM IN JET PACKS FLYING AROUND THE PARK!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!!
FenwayPark: Following the Game
Granite City Electric’s Extra Innings Extra Post Game Extra Innings Extra Extra: Sponsored by WB Mason
Tom Caron: So if you know anyone willing to be part of our new dating show “Sox Appeal” please log on to RedSox.com and fill out an application for them. It will be a nice surprise. We’re now also accepting married people and don’t miss out on bizarre fetish week. But back to this news on the Rocket’s return…The Boston Globe is reporting that the Red Sox and the Rocket have agreed on a one-year, pro-rated $28,000,0023.11 contract, just edging out the Yankees by one dollar and 11 cents. I turn to my colleague Jim Rice. Jim, how do you think the return of the greatest pitcher in the history of baseball will help the Red Sox?
Jim Rice: Well TC, it’s obvious that pitching is the name of the game here, and there’s no shortage of pitching when you are playing baseball. When I played with Rocket he was a pitcher and whether he was throwing fast balls or slow balls he would always pitch with 110-percent of his ability. So how can you go wrong with that?
Tom Caron: (Takes off mic and walks off set. Gun blast is heard in the distance).
Commercial: Sox Appeal…Do you have it?
FenwayPark: Roger Clemens Press Conference
(Clemens sits with Theo Epstein, Larry Lucchino, Tom Warner, John Henry and Dice K’s interpreter)
Theo Epstein: Thank you for coming. We’re obviously thrilled to have the Rocket, Roger Clemens, back in a Red Sox uniform. This ball club has never felt complete with the Rocket playing with other clubs, and now we are finally compete. I would also like to take this chance to announce that I’m stepping down from my post as general manager for, um, personal reasons. (Walks off, wearing gorilla suit, holding gorilla mask)
John Henry: (Rolls eyes)
Roger Clemens: Well it feels great to be back. I’ve always felt this was my home and to come back here and finish my career with the Red Sox is always the way I’ve wanted to finish. I told my agent that whatever it took to get me back home to my friends in Boston to make sure and get it done. I know there were a few other clubs interested, but my heart was always in Boston.
Sean McAdam, Providence Journal: Roger, can you comment about accepting the Red Sox bid over all the friendships you have in New York, for only a dollar and 11 cents more than what they offered you?
Roger Clemens: To be honest I’m not even sure what the deal was for, it all happened so fast. I will tell you this…John Henry pulled me aside and, well, he told me something that meant a lot. I’ll let you know what that was, that he said, at the end of the season.
Dan Shaughnessy: Roger, you’re obviously going to be able to jump into that #1 spot, and are a breath of fresh air with your honesty and devotion to the Red Sox.
Roger Clemens: Thanks Don. Do you have a question?
Dan Shaughnessy: It’s Dan. You remember me, right? Dan Shaughnessy…Anyway, don’t you hate Curt Schilling?
Larry Lucchino: I’ll field that one Rocket. As much as we all despise the right wing ramblings of Curt Schilling we feel like we must honor our contract with him. We all hope that he will learn that left is right as we go into negotiations. Next question…
Ron Borges: Roger, don’t you hate Curt Schilling?
Roger Clemens: Didn’t the guy with the Brill-O head already ask that?
Ron Borges: Oh, right…Don’t you hate Bill Belichick?
The Next Day:
WEEI’s The Big Show:
Glenn Ordway and “Guests”: (Inaudible due to “guests” talking over one another).
Caller: Yeah, so I think this is the perfect move for the Sox. It allows Tito to bring Papelbon out of the bullpen and into the rotation, and making the Rocket the closer!
(Explosion sound effect.)
ESPN 890’s The Mike Felger Show
Mike Felger: This is categorically the right move for the Red Sox. Categorically! Um, okay let’s take some calls. (Presses button). Dave you’re on the Mike Felger show with Ron Borges and Zippy the Boston Globe janitor…Dave, are you there? Hey Ross, how come we don’t get any callers?
Ross the Producer: Mike you’re pressing the wrong button. That’s the dump button.
(“Shocker” sound effect)
Mike Felger: Right, of course. (Takes caller) Pete, thanks for holding.
Caller: No problem, it was only about 25 seconds, I think. Anyway, I’m a Yankee fan and you guys gotta realize Clemens is only a 5-6 inning pitcher and he’s coming from the National League and he’s a bum and…
Epilogue. In the end the Red Sox go on to win the World Series, blowing the Yankees away by 21 games. Clemens collects his ring and has a tearful farewell speech at the tail end of the victory parade and the Red Sox hold a special Roger Clemens night a few months later. Dr. Charles Steinberg arranges for the Dropkick Murphys to cover Def Leppard’s “Rocket” and the number 21 takes it’s rightful place next to number 9 and number 27 in Fenway’s right field. Four months later, Clemens signs with the Yankees for 58-million dollars, where he says he’s happy to be home, because his heart “was always in New York.”