The Rocket Watch
This is just plain stupid
As June 15th continues to approach, deluded fans of both the Yankees and the Red Sox continue to hope and pray that Roger Clemens will grace their favorite team with his immortal presence. The aging ace has constructed a truly amazing competition for his services, and undoubtedly the Houston Astros will lose this race and be forced to pay an ungodly salary to the future hall-of-famer for half a season’s services. As the hype of his impending decision builds to its crescendo, I am praying that the Red Sox to back out of the whole scenario. Sir Roger does not want to come to Boston, and Sox fans should not want him here either. Its time for all the Clemens apologists to stand down, and here a few reasons why their dreams are completely irrational:
1. Roger doesn’t want to come here, he only wants Theo and the Yankess to drive up the salary that Houston will eventually be forced to play him. Roger loves it in Texas, and I can’t blame him. He pretty much runs the whole organization, he comes and goes as he pleases, he forces them to promote his kid through the minor league ranks for no apparent reason, and I’m pretty sure that Phil Garner himself carries his bags to the airport. He will not be afforded these luxuries in Boston or New York (well, I’m pretty sure Tito might carry his bags), and lets face it, who among us would return to the standard star treatment of a professional baseball player after receiving benefits comparable to those afforded to a South American dictator?
2. I don’t believe for a second that Roger gives a damn about topping Cy Young as the all time wins leader in Red Sox history. I have no factual rationale to support my belief, but it just appears that money ranks slightly higher on Roger’s priority list than obscure statistical records for one particular team.
3. I am just sick and tired of hearing about Roger’s “super intense” work out regime, and if he were to come back, we’d have to hear about it ALL THE TIME. I understand that his legs are stronger than Barbaro’s (pre-life threatening injury of course), but come on, he’s still fat as hell. How hard can he really be working with a body shape that rivals fitness fanatics like Curt Schilling and David Wells?
4. I’m also tired of hearing about his obnoxiously large tribe of oddly named children. If he were to come back to Boston, we would all be forced to watch screen shots of his abnormally large kids every single game. I could definitely do without seeing Kobe’s (or Korey’s, or Kosby’s, or Kamikaze’s) reaction to every pitch his father throws. It’s bad enough that we’re forced to sit through mindless Sullivan Tire commercials at least five times a night, now we’ll have to see the entire Clemens clan’s reaction to every single game he starts.
5. On a rational level, we all have to come to grips with the fact that Roger is getting old, and at some point he’s not going to be able to perform at the same level anymore. We started to see glimpses of this during last year’s playoffs, but now that he’s talking about coming back to the Hub, no one seems to remember. There is a good chance that the Red Sox could basically waste a ton of money on an over-the-hill pitcher, and that this move will retard the progress of our pitching prospects currently dominating the minor leagues. I mean, I’m sure the Washington Wizards were happy to have Michael Jordan for the final year of his career, but I think everyone agrees that it would have been better to have seen him step off the court for the last time after winning his final championship with the Bulls.
6. Roger has been pitching in the National League for the past few years, and the National League sucks. I have absolutely no confidence that he would be able to translate the success of his past two seasons back into the American League, yet Red Sox Nation is ready to have their ticket prices raised again next year in order to sign him for one last stint.
7. There’s a name for people who buy the highest priced free-agent talent available in order to win a championship, and that name is Yankees. We’re above that (well, that’s not entirely true, but we’re not as bad as the Yankees about it).
While Roger might prove to be the only move this season that could push any number of teams over the top, it simply does not make sense for the Sox to pull the trigger. I have full confidence that the current line-up can get the job done, so I’m begging all of the sports writers, columnists, and radio personalities to drop the subject. Lets all just move on to a more agreeable and entertaining topic, like how much the Bruins completely suck as an organization on every level.
Daniel Greer
May 24, 2006
Greer.daniel@gmail.com