Reality Show Breakdown Bonanza: “Rock of Love”
Well it’s just been too damn long since the last reality show breakdown bonanza here at The Stool. I know El Presidente does his yearly “Idol” preview but that was months ago. This season’s new hit reality show that’s sweeping the nation, if you haven’t heard, is clearly VH1’s “Rock of Love”, starring Poison front man Bret Michaels and a house full of whores.
Basically the premise of the show is simple/tremendous – they put 25 slutty girls in a house with Michaels (some of them are porn stars) he dates all of them and then at the end decides which girl would best “rock his world”. I mean we all can relate, right?
As of Barstool press time, it’s down to the final 8. Today I’ll be breaking down the remaining girls and giving probable Win odds for each contestant. Side note 1: buddytv.com was used for the bio’s, and side note 2: I’m sure you can bet on it somewhere.
Girl 1 – Lacey. Lacey is just a horrible human being. Horrible. For whatever reason she thinks she’s on “Survivor” and keeps trying to get people booted. Sure, it worked 2 weeks ago with Dallas, but it doesn’t seem to be the proper strategy for this type of show. Why? Well Michaels, surprisingly enough, seems too smart to let one chick pull a Richard Hatch and manipulate the entire cast. The 4th and final member of the first ever reality TV 4-some, Lacey clearly has what it takes to date a Bret Michaels or even a post-Sopranos Steve Perry. But I just don’t like her chances. Too bitchy, too convincing, and not that attractive. Probable odds: 30-1.
Girl 2 – Erin. According her bio,Erin is a native of Bloomington, Illinois who completed college in just 3 1/2 years... with honors. She was also named “Miss Hooters” of Illinois in 2002. Hmm, I wonder what part of that bio seems questionable to the naked eye. Hint: it’s not the Hooters’ part. Erin literally could not count to f*cking 4 the other night playing the tambourine. 4. Not 9 or 10. 4! Now Michaels has probably had at least 5,000 blond bombshells who couldn’t count to 4 in his career. Suffice to say, I’m thinking he chooses someone else to spend his golden years with touring along side Ratt and Billy Idol. Probable odds: 25-1.
Girl 3 – Heather. It says on buddtv.com that “Heather previously worked as a dancer at Scores in Las Vegas and has been involved in several catfights because she claims that women are always jealous of her.” I’ll buy that. According to “scenes from the next”, she also banged Vanilla Ice on the original “Surreal Life”, but that still hasn’t been confirmed by our sources. If so, I’m not sure Michael’s is going to want Vanilla’s sloppy seconds. All that said, Heather was an integral part of the aforementioned first ever reality TV 4-some, and that’s something you can’t take away. In 50 years that could be as historic as the moon landing or even the famous hot tub scene from the “Real World: Las Vegas”. You never know. Also, aren’t 4-somes the new 3-somes now? Probable odds: 16-1.
Girl 4 - Brandi M. I absolutely, positively recognize this chick, but I have no idea from where. Now it could very well be from man’s final frontier – Internet porn, but I don’t think so. Unlike the now departed Brandi C., who actually did Internet porn and was part of the first ever reality TV 4-some last Sunday, Brandi M. is still alive and well on the show. She hails from Buffalo and seems like a pretty cool chick in the grand scheme of things. “Is she slutty enough” is the question here. We haven’t really seen much of her in that department, but you have to figure if you’re a girl from Buffalo you’ve got a few tricks up your sleeve… and sure enough – according her bio, Brandi M. can fit her entire fist into her mouth. The problem is – if Bret Michaels has seen one girl fit her entire fist into her mouth, he’s seen 1000. Brandi’s going to need some other kind of breakout performance like maybe fitting one of Erin’s cans into her mouth, or else face elimination. Probable Win odds: 15-1.
Girl 5 – Samantha. It seemed like Sam and Michaels were really hitting it off… until the 4-some. After that Sam pulled out the old “trust issue" card which ultimately will be her downfall. Obviously you can’t trust the lead singer of a major 80’s hair band – even if it is 2007. And that’s not a knock on Michaels, that’s just the cold hard facts of life. If she thinks Bret’s going to be “loyal” to her with the 1000’s of cougars who still continually throw their granny panties at him show after show in sold-out Bingo halls throughout North America, she’s got another thing coming. 1 more week and the party’s over for Samantha. Probable odds: 13-1.
Girl 6 – Magdalena. We’ve got a possible tranny here. For those who missed it, Magdalena may truly have one of the deepest voices anyone’s ever heard for a woman. It says in her bio Magdalena is a marketing representative originally from Poland and stands at 6’3’’, so that’s another strike against her besides the fact that she might very well have a penis. Let’s face it - if Bret Michaels chooses a 6’3’’ Polish transvestite, I mean that certainly would raise a few eyebrows in the world of rock n’ roll, and the world as a whole. But this is a reality show and we’ve seen stranger things. Probable odds: 9-1.
Girl 7 – Jes. Well for whatever reason here Jes leaves off the last “s” (for savings?) in her first name. Now ordinarily I wouldn’t like something stupid like that but this chick is extremely cute. A licensed cosmetologist from Illinois - Jes is the proud owner of four tattoos and nine piercings, and considers herself as very independent. I’m liking this chick more and more each week, but that’s not important right now. Remember, I didn’t write “Fallen Angel”. Michaels did. And that’s what this show boils down to. Who will Bret Michaels select to bang for at least the next few weeks? If he’s reading Barstool Sports - Bret, this chick is tremendous. Cute, fun, energetic, pink hair which means she’s more than likely a crazy bisexual with a heart of gold. Jes has it all. But there’s something almost too perfect about her – and I think unfortunately Jes ends up going home with the consolation prize on "Rock of Love" -- Rikki Rocket. Probable odds: 5-1
Girl 8 – Mia. Ding-ding-ding! I think we found our winner. In my view, Mia has one of the best bodies on TV right now – reality or otherwise. In fact, we asked the readers on barstoolsports.com to rate her the other day and she received a 7.5 out of 10 – which in actuality is like a 14 if you know how tough our readers are as far as judging women. Mia is a hairstylist and bartender from Naperville, Illinois, and apparently can drive a tractor. I just think Michaels is going to ultimately chose with the girl with the hottest body – plain and simple. And that’s Mia. The two don’t even seem to get along that well, but I’m sure that’s not going to matter once Michaels sees her naked. And once he does, hopefully she’ll win, and then all of America will get to see her too. Probable odds: 3-1