Real Estate Guide

I think Barstool Sports is the only paper in Boston that has never published a real estate guide. Well, today that comes to an end. It’s time for the Stool to give our pros and cons of living in different parts of our wonderful city.

Cambridge

Central Square – Central Square is one of the weirdest places in Metro Boston. It’s one of those rare spots where you find a solid mix of hippies, homeless people and criminals. (At least it feels like there are lots of criminals floating around.) Central Square also boasts one of the liveliest nightlife scenes in the city. Every night of the week there are at least a few bars jam packed with some weird ass band playing some weird ass music with weird ass people dancing to it. Despite the fact that I’m the opposite of a hippie and not in the Weekly Dig’s target demographic, I actually think Central Square is a pretty cool place. I always feel like I’m in a movie and miles away from Boston whenever I’m in the square. I don’t think anybody has real jobs there. Their only responsibility is to drink every night in a dingy and dimly lit bar and talk about life. Some of my favorite joints in Central Square are People’s Republik and Phoenix Landing.

Inman Square – I’d be lying if I said I knew a lot about Inman Square. But here is what I do know about it. It feels dirty as hell and they have lots of good restaurants. It’s a weird combination, but it’s true.

Harvard Square – I’m not sold on Harvard Square. The problem with Harvard Square is that there are way too many people caught up in trying to fit the image of typical Harvard Square hippie. But the reality of the situation is that most of these fake hippies are Harvard students whose parents are paying $45,000 a year for them to be there and in line to take over IBM when they graduate. The same hippies who are handing out “No More Nuclear Power Plants” pamphlets are also buying their hippie gear in Urban Outfitters. That’s the difference between Harvard Square and Central Square. Nobody is acting in Central. In fact you get the feeling that after the bars close in Central Square lots of the patrons go home and sleep in a box or something. I think I’d like Harvard Square more if we sprinkled in a couple high school bullies just to keep the nerds on their toes and let them know it’s not cool to have pink hair just so people notice you.

Porter Square – What can you say about Porter Square? It’s clearly the most boring of all the Square’s in Cambridge, but that may be a good thing. I think it would be my first choice of where to live in Cambridge. It seems like the only place where people have a semi normal lifestyle. And if you have a normal 9-5 job you don’t want to feel like you’re the only one who cares that it is Sunday night. Another advantage of Porter Square is that there is a great Star Market right in the middle of it. However, it’s not all roses with Porter Square. I’ve passed out at least 3 times trying to get to street level from the subway. It is the longest and worst climb of any T station in Boston and I can’t imagine having to do it 5 days a week. It’s almost as though the Porter Square T Station was originally built to serve as a bomb shelter.

Somerville

Davis Square – I like Davis Square. Right now Davis Square is undergoing a major turf war between the young professional crowd and the alternative loser crowd. As more and more young professionals move to the area, Davis Square has undergone a renovation of sorts. Things like wearing deodorant and shaving once a month are now more common as opposed before, when it was the exception to the rule. The reasons why so many people are moving to Davis Square are obvious. It has everything within reach. The Porter Square Star Market is right there. It has the red line. It has some quality bars with Joshua Tree, Orleans, The Burren and Silgo Pub. It has some decent restaurants.  The only problem with Davis Square is that it is far away from downtown Boston and just about everything else. We’re talking a 25-30 dollar cab ride easy to get into the city. Furthermore it’s impossible to get on the MA Pike from Davis Square and I always get nervous when I can’t hop on the Pike within 10 minutes from wherever I am. But if you don’t ever have to travel anywhere and you sort of want to keep your rent down then Davis Square is good.

Allston/Brighton

Brighton Center/Cleveland Circle Area (aka Rat City) – Just like everybody else on the planet Brighton Center was the first place I lived after I graduated. It’s not that Brighton Center is such a bad place to live, but it’s just that the average age of its citizens is 16 years old. In an ideal world, by the time a guy turns 30 he’d rather not want to be paying rent for a place where bed bugs are a major concern and keg parties keep you awake 3 nights a week. But Allston/ Brighton is what it is and that’s a relatively cheap place to live. It also probably has the most typical Barstool Reader of anywhere in the city. The neighborhood is filled with the Average Joe fighting the good fight. Guys who can’t afford to live downtown but have visions of getting there one day. And you can say whatever you want about a Bright Knight but you’ve got to respect them. Anybody who can take the Green Line to work every day from Brighton deserves the Medal of Honor. Don’t get me wrong there are some advantages to living in Rat City. Where else can you waltz into a bar and impress a group of hot chicks by buying a round of Miller Lites for 20 bucks. Who brought the big spender?

Oak Square – I feel like people who live in Oak Square are giving up on life. The thing about people living in Brighton Center or Cleveland Circle is that they know it is temporary. In Brighton Center and Cleveland Circle, the fact that you’re surrounded by college kids is a constant reminder that you’ve got to find a better place to live. No young professional plans on living in Brighton for more then a few years, but Oak Square is different. I feel like the Oak Square crew is looking for a place where they can slowly fade in oblivion. It’s quiet because there isn’t anything out there. The subway doesn’t even make it to Oak Square. Sure, they’ll brag about free parking, but that’s because you’re two hours from downtown.

Newton

Coolidge Corner/Washington Square– Newton is a great place to live if you can afford it. The streets are clean, it’s quiet and there are good restaurants everywhere. I feel like most people who live in Newton could just as easily live in the Back Bay, but they chose to move just outside the city because they prefer it. It’s also the #1 place to spot MILF’s driving around in SUV’s. And the people of Newton are no dummies. They like the fact that the dregs of society can’t turn Newton into Brighton. That’s why they don’t allow overnight parking so people like me could never afford to move into the neighborhood.

South Boston

The people who live in South Boston would like you to believe that South Boston is a small step below Beverly Hills in terms of best places to live in America. They also make it sound like you can walk from the Beer Gardens to the Playwright to Faneuil Hall with no problem. Don’t get me wrong, I like South Boston, but Southie is not downtown. It’s clearly separated from the rest of the city and the result is that most people from South Boston end up spending most of their free time in South Boston. And there is nothing wrong with that unless you’re a big time metrosexual because then you’ll get beaten up by a local. But as far as the Barstool Sports crowd goes, Southie has a great nightlife and pretty much everything that our crowd could want when choosing where to live.

Downtown Boston

Beacon Hill – This may be the first place I’d choose to live if I could live anywhere in the city. Sure the parking sucks, but the attractiveness of its women more than make up for it. Yup, Beacon Hill has the best looking females per capita in all of Boston. It also has a handful of great local bars all within walking distance of each other including The Hill, Beacon Hill Pub, Sevens, and Harvard Gardens. And the best part about these bars is that you generally get a local crowd so you actually can speak with and potentially meet a cute normal chick in there. This stands in stark contrast to Faneuil Hall where talking to a strange girl usually ends up in some sort of fight.

North End – I’ve pretty much lived everywhere in Metro Boston with the exception of the North End. I’ll admit that there are three things that have kept me from living there. First, I know that I’d eat at Giacamo’s every single night of the week and go broke and fat all at once. Second, the parking situation makes me very nervous and third and maybe most important, I’m confident that the North End has an unusually high number of bookies and I’m sure that I’d end up owing one of them way too much money and I don’t want them to be able to knock on my door every ten minutes asking where the cash is. But if you don’t have an eating problem, a gambling problem, or a car the North End is a great spot to live especially since the rent is as cheap as it gets right downtown. Plus you can play softball on that field right on the water and potentially knock one into the sea.

Back Bay – The crème de la crème of Boston. The best thing about living in the Back Bay is that you are in the dead middle of Boston. You can be anywhere in a 10 dollar cab ride. The bad part is that the rent is outrageous and so is everything else. A Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream cone costs 45 bucks and a Natty Light costs 20. Most guys who aren’t European or Asian and are living in the Back Bay probably can’t afford it. I tried this trick once. In theory it seemed like a great idea to live there, but the illusion of grandeur is kind of spoiled when you show somebody your apartment and it is the size of a closet and hasn’t been renovated since the Civil War. Therefore the key to living in the Back Bay is to never show anybody outside your immediate family your living quarters and only eat spaghetti when you are alone. This way you can save up for when you do go out and make some noise with the ladies. Just make sure you go back to their place.

South End – The South End is awesome. I’m not gay, but if the South End is any indication, I’ll go live wherever the gays are living because they take care of their neighborhood. It’s sort of like the Simpson’s episode where Homer has a fight with Marge and moves in with the two gay guys. The streets are brighter, the food is better and everybody seems happier. If you want to go out at night the South End is close enough to walk to the Back Bay or you can take a 10 dollar cab ride to anywhere in the city. Also I’m only 5’10 and 165 pounds so I like the feeling of being tougher than everybody else around me.

The Fens – The Fens is another area that I’m not terribly familiar with. The only thing I know about the people who live there is that they are always complaining about something. It seems their major problem is that they don’t like the Red Sox and want drinking banned permanently. I’ve never really had too much respect for the residents of the Fens because they act like Fenway Park appeared out of nowhere one day. I think if you live in the Fenway area you should need to be a season ticket holder.

So there you have it. Barstool’s guide on where to live in Boston. I realize we omitted some areas, but we only have so much space. If you have any hidden gems you want to talk about send us an email about it and we’ll put them on our website.