Random Thoughts
1. On a recent episode of Entourage, Vince banged a chick who was about to get married, but the chick said it wasn’t really cheating because she and her husband each had a list of 5 celebrities that if they ever got the chance to f-ck, it would be okay to do it. This got me thinking about who would be on my list if the First Lady and I had a similar arrangement. Now anybody who has paid even the least bit of attention to Barstool Sports knows that two absolute automatics are Kristin Kreuk and Jessica Biel. But from there it gets kind of tricky. You need to use some strategy the rest of the way. I’d want to put girls that I thought I may have a legitimate chance of running into and who aren’t married or anything like that. Therefore, Maria Menonous may squeak on there since she’s a local girl and you may run into her in the future. Also, I think LeeannTweeden would make it since she’s supposed to be the host for our 25 Sexiest Bartender and Waitress party at Waterworks. And who knows, maybe she’ll be impressed by the fact that it’s my party and think I’m kind of big time. This leaves room for one more chick. And even though it goes about my prior statement about not picking married chicks, I’m still going with Angelina Jolie. I mean is there any doubt in anybody’s mind that she’d be the best hookup of all time? I just wouldn’t be able to live with myself if the opportunity somehow presented itself and she wasn’t on my list.
2. So apparently the reason Maurice Clarett was tooling around, pie-eyed on Grey Goose with a loaded AK-47 in his car, was that he's been scared shitless ever since he'd run afoul of a member of the Israeli mafia.
Clarett was bankrolled by an alleged member of an Israeli crime organization...Hai Waknine, a convicted felon who prosecutors believe is a member of an Israeli crime organization called The Jerusalem Group, through a rapper friend in late summer 2004, ESPN reported. Waknine then reportedly become Clarett's sponsor and adviser, along with Waknine's attorney, David Kenner.
Waknine would later provide Clarett with cash, a BMW, bodyguards, drivers and beachfront lodging in Malibu, ESPN reported, with the understanding that Clarett would reimburse Waknine and also be paid 60 percent of Clarett's rookie contract. That plan went awry when Clarett was cut by the Denver Broncos in Aug. 2005 and was unable to pay Waknine back..
This raises so many questions, it staggers the imagination. To begin with, I know there are Jewish mobsters (Arnold Rothstein, who fixed the 1919 World Series wasn't from Sicily), but who knew there was an Israeli mafia? Secondly, Israeli mafiosos have "rapper friends?” And lastly, Israelis are among the toughest people in the world; they have to be just to live to see another day. Wouldn't you think that a guy who was smart enough, brutal enough and savvy enough to have survived in a world like the Israeli underground mafia would've never have invested his money in a piece-of-crap like Maurice Clarett? His combine numbers alone should've killed that deal.
3. As the reader who sent this story in said, "this next story pretty much writes itself." Apparently Kevin Brown pulled a gun on his neighbor after getting into a dispute about throwing grass clippings into each others yards.
"Haws said he called the sheriff's office after a loud argument that began when he found Brown throwing grass clippings over the fence into Haws' yard on Breighton Court, which backs up to Brown's multimillion-dollar estate on Brown's Ridge.
When Haws confronted Brown, the two men argued and Brown pulled out a gun and told Haws he'd better not come onto Brown's property, the report stated.
Brown told deputies that he carries a gun while strolling through the woods because he often sees snakes."
Ok, I admit I’m not an avid woodsman, but since when do people shoot snakes? And since when are there snakes in Macon, Georgia worthy of shooting? I could be totally wrong but I didn’t think that any poisonous snakes roamed those parts. More importantly Kevin Brown is one of those guys who could shoot somebody in a heated argument and I wouldn’t even bat an eyelash. He just seems like a miserable prick with a short fuse. I’d also put Mike Greenwell on the short list of guys who could commit 1st degree murder because of a useless argument. Hmm, this may be a great thread idea? Who are the top guys who you think could lose it and kill somebody over a petty argument? Kevin Brown and the Gator are a great place to start.
4. Want to know what drives someone to suicide? Try being Nick Lachey and going online and reading what your ex wife had to say about you in US Magazine:
"Nick Lachey didn't pack too well if you know what I mean, but I got over it."
And then after you finish dry-heaving, reading this:
"Nick's small package was a problem sometimes, like the first time we had sex, to tell you the truth, I didn't really feel much, I faked the whole thing, I really felt sorry for him, I still loved him though."
Poor Nick Lachey. There's really no way to come back from this. Jessica might as well have just cut off his balls on national television. The worst part in all of this- somehow, someway Joe Simpson is involved. There's little doubt that the scene went like this:
Joe: Why are you crying, my beautiful, sexy little girl?
Jessica: Daddy, Nick isn't satisfying me.
Joe (stroking Jessica's hair): It's his little wiener, isn't it?
Jessica: Yup. He a little guy.
Joe: Daddy knows what you need.
5. I love Myspace. Not only is it a great place to meet girls for a smut magazine like Barstool Sports, but the unintentional comedy is almost too much to handle. We literally just got the following message from “Eddy” a little while ago. Now keep in mind that Eddy thinks Barstool Sports is a girl. He didn’t take the time to figure out that we’re a magazine run by a bunch of dudes and we just put the picture of our latest cover as our profile. So anyway this is what he wrote to us. And, oh by the way, Eddy didn’t put a picture of himself on his profile. Hmm, I’m sure he is a pretty normal dude.
“you are insanely goegeous, what else is there to say........write me back if you'd like...........30/m/quincy, 5'10, 205 built, light brown/hazel, irish/italian, boston firefighter/emt”
Hmm, I’m sure he is a pretty normal, great looking dude. In fact, I’m not sure how the ladies can resist a Don Juan like Eddy.
6. Paris Hilton and her merry bunch of idiots were back at it the other day attacking Lindsay Lohan and her fire crotch. Now, I know Lindsay Lohan is a girl. But at some point somebody needs to gets beaten up here. You can’t just go around making fun of somebody’s pussy and expect to get away with it. Imagine if rappers were going around telling the paparazzi that so and so had a small dick or something like that? People would be dead within 20 minutes. Lohan either has to walk up to Paris Hilton and slug her in the face or she needs a couple of her guy friends to punch these clowns in the face. But you can’t just sit back and let people make fun of your pussy every chance they get. Where is that wimp of a man Wilmer Valderama when you need him? As a side note, what is the deal with Scott Storch? The First Lady swears up and down that he’s a big time record producer, but I have a hard time buying it. First of all, he looks like a total tool bag. And 2nd of all he keeps showing up on reality TV shows which I’ve got to believe is not what big time producers do. He is on Making the Band, Hogan Rules and produced Paris Hilton’s new record. That doesn’t sound like a big time client list to me.
7. When I’m older and have kids and am financially settled in my life (which at this rate is never going to happen) I want to coach Little League Baseball. And I fully intend on taking a team to Williamsport. But if my team doesn’t happen to make it there, I’ll be damned if I sit around and let the team that just knocked us out do the old “2-4-6-8, who do we appreciate chant” at the end of a game. I was watching Oregon vs. Alaska last night and Oregon won it by one run in extra innings on a freak double play to end the game. As if it’s not bad enough to lose by one run in extra’s with the Little League World Series on the line, the Oregon team broke out the “who do we appreciate” chant ten seconds after the game ended as all the kids on Alaska were bawling their eyes out. At some point this chant went from good sportsmanship to rubbing your opponent’s face in mud. I mean think about it for a minute; what are they thanking the losing team for? Mark my words, when I’m a coach nobody will do the "who do we appreciate" chant on my team’s ass. They’ll be lucky if we even shake hands.
8. Kevin Hench of FoxSports has a thought-provoking piece today on the effect of the World Baseball Classic on the pitchers who participated.
A lot of the baseball people who were critical of the tournament questioned the wisdom of having guys rushing to throw pitches in competition without the benefit of building up their arm strength over the six weeks of Spring Training. The organizers though assured everyone that limited pitch counts would solve everything so everyone should stop being such pussies.
But Hench takes a look at what's happened to some of the guys who pitched:
- Jake Peavy is 5-11 this season and his ERA is a run and a half higher than his career number.
- Brad Lidge is 0-3 and his ERA is 5.66. The last two years it was 2.09.
- Mike Timlin spent time on the DL for the first time since the first Bush Administration and his numbers since he came off the list are way high for him.
The list goes on to include guys from the other countries as well, but the point is well taken. Should any Major League team risk, however slight, messin' up their pitchers, just so Bud Selig can sit there with a big chubby because he's so excited to be promoting baseball in New Zealand?
If I'm a GM, next year I tell the commissioner's office all my players are hurt. By the way, does anyone remember who won the goddamned thing?
9. Before I really get into this, I’m having a hard time believing that the State doesn’t have better things to do than debate bills on what the official sport of the Commonwealth should be. I mean we got tunnels collapsing on people, people getting shot up and news racks running wild in the Downtown Crossing and the State is wasting time talking about the official state sport? And who in their right mind thinks our state sport should be basketball? Don’t give me this crap about the basketball Hall of Fame being in Springfield either. Who cares? I don’t want our state sport being a sport where another state can clearly say they are better known for that sport than us. I mean when I think of basketball I think of Indiana. I certainly don’t think of us. We might as well make it horse racing and go toe to toe with Kentucky. There is no doubt that our state sport has to be either baseball or hockey. You may have to give the nod to hockey because it’s the only sport that all the colleges around here play and are good at. But basketball is a flat out joke. It figures that a chick would be pushing this bill. She clearly has no idea what she’s talking about in this regard.
10. There was a blurb on SportsbyBrooks today about how Jenna Jameson was banging Dave Navarro. It went on to say the following;
“But Navarro hasn't been Jameson's only *love* interest recently. SbB has learned that the screen slut has also hooked up with a supposedly squeaky clean Super Bowl-winning quarterback and an admitted (and current) MLB steroid-slugger.
Hmm, there can only be one squeaky clean Super Bowl winning QB that they could be talking about right? It has to be Tom Brady. I mean it can’t be Ben Roethlisberger as he is the opposite of squeaky clean and I’m sure even Jenna Jameson has some standards when she f-cks for free. Good for Tom. I’m happy that he’s getting his beak wet in the off-season. Although I’ve got to believe that he could nail any chick on the planet if he wanted to so I’m not sure that Jenna Jameson would be at the top of my list. Unless you just want to say you f-cked a porn star. If I were Tom, I’d be stalking Jessica Biel and Kristin Kreuk right now.
As a side note this is the anatomy of a rumor.
11. From a recent Charlie Weis press conference...
How long does it take, like with the freshmen, to get an assessment of a guy and say this guy might be able to help us out?
“There are some guys out there today that you say, [whooosh]. The thing is, they don’t do it on every play. But once you see that they can do it once, you know they can do it. There’s a difference between someone who just can’t do it. Once somebody has done it once, you know they are capable of doing it. Now it’s our job and their job getting them to do that on a regular basis. There are other guys who will come along at a much slower pace and each guy is going to be different and evaluated based on what we see, not what we are hoping to see.”
Who made you say that today?
Munir Prince; I think if you asked any of the defensive guys what they saw out there. I’m not used to seeing that kind of speed at running back. When I’m talking speed, I’m talking, [whooosh]. I can’t describe [whooosh] but you kind of know what I’m talking about...I’m not used to seeing that type of speed.
All this talk about the whoosh got me thinking to who I think has the most whoosh in college football. I think it has to be Steve Slaton from West Virginia. I mean you just give the guy the ball on a simple pitch play and whoosh, he's gone. I've never seen anything like it.
12. WAKEFIELD ITEM — Consider homemade cookies, brownies, cakes and pies a thing of the past in Wakefield Public Schools. Bake sales and other activities involving food on school property have been officially banned by the School Committee....The food guidelines will have a wide effect on school events. Bake sales have been banned outright. And food sold at school sporting events will be affected by the new policy, which led to a lengthy debate by Committee members. “I hate the policy,” said Committeeman John Boghos at the beginning of the debate, even though he eventually voted in favor of the plan. “Once we dictate what’s going on after school, we’re going back to the ’50s and Communist Russia.”
Bake Sales? Bake Sales are out? What the hell is this world coming to? And what’s up with Committeeman John Boghos? You don’t make a statement like this: “Once we dictate what’s going on after school, we’re going back to the ’50s and Communist Russia.” and then vote for the policy! Unless going back to the 50’s and Communist Russia is a good thing in your book. I predict that the Wakefield High football team goes 0-10 this year. You don’t protect people from homemade cookies and expect to win football games.
13. Sports Illustrated columnist Rick Reilly, in his never-ending search for the most heart-wrenching sports stories, details a controversy over a PONY league baseball game in Utah. The controversy: Do you pitch to the team's best hitter or do you walk him and pitch to the kid with cancer?
Here's a quick summary of what happened: 10-year olds. Championship game between Yankees and Red Sox. Last inning. Sox down by 1 with two outs. Runner on 3rd. Yanks' coaches walk Sox's top hitter. Pitch to kid with cancer. Kid with cancer K's. Yanks win. Community explodes.
The Yankees' coaches swear that they didn't even know that the kid, Romney, had cancer and that what they did was just a smart baseball move. Many members of the community agree with the Yankees' coaches. Reilly, Romney's parents and other members of the community say that the coaches did know about Romney's condition and specifically picked on him.
I think it's safe to say that the Yankees' coaches take the game too seriously. Did they have their lefty specialist warming up if Romney got on base? It's a bunch of scrawny 10-year olds. It's not Game 7 of the World Series. Take it down a notch, fellas.
But at the same time, I'm not sure what these guys did is really all that terrible. If Romney just sucked, and didn't suck and have cancer, would anyone have even blinked when the coaches ordered the walk? Probably not. The coaches and players weren't heckling Romney. The Yankees' coaches treated Romney as I'm sure he wants to be treated- like every other kid.
And even though this is sure to become a bigger story, there is one person who doesn't seem to be dwelling on the game- Romney. "I'm going to work on my batting," he told his dad. "Then maybe someday I'll be the one they walk." That doesn't sound like a kid who's scarred for life.
14. I watched my first preseason football game last night and it had nothing to do with the players on the field. And no, I didn’t bet on it. Instead I watched the Vikings and Raiders just to see how Tony Kornheiser would do in the booth with Mike Tirico and Joe Theisman. Now let me clear something up before I start. I love Tony Kornheiser. PTI is by far and away my favorite sports program on television. Therefore, I was kind of excited to see how Tony would do. It pains me to say that he was average at best. Although I’m not sure it was his fault. The chemistry between him, Theismann and Tirico suck. Joe Theismann is the absolute worst guy to team up with Kornheiser because he’s so deadly serious about football. I mean Theismann thinks football is roughly akin to nuclear science and Kornheiser is more interested in talking about sex boat scandals and stuff like that. Just like with PTI, Kornheiser needs somebody with a good sense of humor to work with. I just don’t see Tirico or Theismann playing along with Kornheiser in the booth. Eventually the networks will learn that they need to put a guy in the booth who only cares about the spread. Now that would great television.
15. Am I the only one who listens to FM radio during the day? What do people think of this new afternoon show Toucher and Rich on WBCN? They kind of remind me of my early days at the Stool when I couldn’t go 3 seconds without bashing a competitor. I mean these guys are absolutely mauling WAAF on a daily basis. It seems like their entire show is centered around making fun of them. Now, I haven’t listed to WAAF since these guys started so I wonder if they are firing back at them over there. I actually like WAAF, but right now I’m a WBCN fan because I just like hearing people get bashed in general. It gets my juices flowing thinking about who I should start attacking.
16. I was having a heated debate the other day about whether or not, in old school WWF, the referees used to count faster on a "small package" pin, than a regular pin. In other words, on a regular pin, the ref would go 1, 2, 3. But on a small package pin it would always be 1-2-3. Why was it faster on a small package? Regular pin - 1, 2, 3. Small package 1-2-3-ding-ding-ding! Anyway, that's something for scholars to decide.