Random Thoughts
1. Only Dan Shaughnessy could be writing a story about the remarkable string of Red Sox walk-off wins last week and think to himself "hmmm, you know what, I haven't bashed Theo in a while" and throw in a paragraph like this:
“Still, let's hope the Sox didn't let organizational arrogance -- too much pride in their own prospects -- get in the way of making a deal that would have helped the ``big league team" finish ahead of the Yankees for the first time since 1995.”
Dan, are you serious? I could understand if Theo had been begging teams to take Jon Lester and Craig Hansen off his hands. But it was the other way around- every other team wants Lester and Hansen. Now, unless every general manager in baseball is taking orders from Theo's mom to make sure her son looks good, I don't think that it's a case of "organizational arrogance." When the rest of baseball covets the same guys Theo does, I think that it's safe to say that he's onto something.
Look at last night's game. Lester pitched six decent innings, not great, but let's cut the guy appearing in the 11th game of his major league career a little slack. Manny Delcarmen came on and threw a solid inning of mistake-free relief. Wily Mo Pena hit another ridiculous home run. Jonathan Papelbon, who is actually a year older than Wily Mo, picked up the win after throwing a scoreless ninth.
The kids can play, Dan. And if it does all come crumbling down, I'm sure I'll read about it in The Curse of the Organizational Arrogance. - Chisholm
2. Dear Jon Papelbon, Craig Hansen and Manny Delcarmen,
It's on you now. The Red Sox baseball operations people decided that keeping you three was better for the future of the team than picking up a guy like Andruw Jones or Roy Oswalt at the trading deadline. Trust me, if at the All Star break next season you three aren't lighting it up, you will be called out in the Globe and Herald. And on WEEI. And the Internet.
But I back Theo's decision not to move you three. Quality young pitching is baseball's rarest commodity and I want to see you guys succeed so here are some things for you three to keep in mind over the next year.
- If you are going to bang Northeastern co-eds, and let's be honest, you probably are, don't let them take pictures.
- Don't forget that they can take pictures on cell phones too.
- Don't buy a motorcycle.
- If Keith Foulke ends up sitting next to you in the bullpen, don't pay attention to his crazed rants about Boston.
- Don't create a MySpace page.
- If you screw up, sack up and accept responsibility.
- Never complain about how intense Red Sox fans are.
- If you see Dan Shaughnessy walking towards you, run away.
- Keep up the pretense that you really hate the players on the Yankees
- If you need to use HGH or steroids, just don't get caught.
- Fuck with Steve Buckley's head a little bit and ask him when the next Nuns' Day is at Fenway.
- Protect your hitters.
3. Jayson Stark wrote what I would qualify as one of the worst articles of all time on espn.com last week. It basically talks about how the Red Sox were trying to trade for Roger Clemens yesterday and the only reason it didn’t happen was because the Astros owner Drayton McLane didn’t want to let Clemens go. And while I obviously have no problem with Stark reporting this story, I do have a problem when he starts saying that Drayton McLane owes it to Roger Clemens to trade him to a contending team and that McLane basically screwed Roger.
“All Drayton McLane had to do to change it was simply feel the urge to do the right thing -- for a pitcher who has always done the right thing for him.”
I’ve got to tell you I’m so sick and tired of the Roger Clemens farewell tour. Why in the world does Drayton McLane owe it to Roger Clemens to trade him to a contender? Clemens only decided what team to sign with like two weeks ago and the standings haven’t changed much since he picked his team. He could have easily signed with the Sox if he wanted to. Instead he took a ton of money to play for the Astros. Now we’re supposed to feel bad that he’s stuck there? This is the most asinine thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Jayson Stark should be ashamed of himself for writing this article and should be suspended from ESPN.
4. I think I'm going to immediately regret the decision to post this, but here goes:
I work with the public to some extent. The good new is that I'm pretty sure one of those people was hitting on me the other day. The bad news is, it was a guy.
It took me a while to catch on. I was talking to a group of people, and when I asked if there were any questions, this guy raised his hand "Yeah. Do you work here every day?" (Huh?) Later he told me I do a good job and said I'm a little young for this job. (Double huh? Since when do men compliment each other?) Then even later he asked about my age and said something about my hair making me look young. (Ohhhh. OK...now I got it.)
My question is, how are you supposed to react to something like that? Creeped out? Flattered? Horrified? Worried that you’re not giving out a strong enough hetero vibe? What would Brian Boitano do? Has this happened to any one else here? How did you feel about it?
Look, I can admit to being a little homophobic, at least in the sense that the idea of it gives me the boo-boo jeebies, but I'm not a hater. If that's how you have your fun, knock yourself out. Have a party, on me. (Well, not on me...never mind.) If I've opened a can of worms, and this turns into a bunch of angry screeds or gay-bashing, I'll probably delete the post and learn my lesson. - Thornton
5. Remember when real men played for the Yankees? Babe Ruth gorged himself on women, booze and hot dogs and still went down in history as the best ever. Joe DiMaggio banged Marilyn Monroe and hit in 56-straight. Mickey Mantle destroyed his liver and his knees and still mashed. Apparently, things are a little different in the Bronx nowadays.
Yankees' captain and sportswriters' wet-dream, Derek Jeter is releasing a cologne described as "a blend of chilled grapefruit, clean oak moss and spice." The cologne, Driven, is the first in a series of grooming products that Jeter is producing.
I'm at a complete lost. I have so many "smells like ARod's sweaty taint" jokes in my head right now I can't think straight. Did the Yankees also have to trade Jeter's balls to get Abreu?
6. I understand that minor league baseball is all about unique promotions and fan friendly contests. But I don’t understand what is fun or interesting about the Lowell Spinners changing their name to the Mike Lowell Spinners for tonight’s game vs. Vermont. This is just plain dumb right? The Spinners are going to wear special shirts tonight that read Mike Lowell across the front. I wonder if this increased walk up ticket sales to the ball park.
As a side note, has anybody admitted on talk radio yet about how wrong they were about Mike Lowell? This guy got beaten to death when the Josh Beckett trade was made and now he has his own team named after him. That’s quite a turn around in 6 months.
— elpresidente
7. I caught this nugget on deadspin.
From today's Publisher's Weekly Children's Newsletter:
Next spring HarperCollins Children's Books will publish a picture book by New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez. "Out of the Ballpark," which tells about Rodriguez's childhood experiences, will be illustrated by Frank Morrison and published simultaneously in English and Spanish (under the Rayo imprint). The pub date is February 6, 2007. The deal was made with AROD Corporation and Boras Marketing on behalf of the author.
Has anybody ever tried harder to be liked and is still as universally hated as Alex Rodriguez? I feel like he always has these dumb public relation ideas to try and make it seem like he’s a good guy. If he goes out and makes three errors in a game he’ll push a little boy into the street and then save him from the traffic to make himself look like a hero. He’ll give us all a lecture on how he can’t decide on what country to play for in the World Baseball Classic because both the Dominican and United States mean so much to him. And now he’s coming out with a children’s book. He just doesn’t get it. People hate Arod and all the publicity stunts in the world isn’t going to change that. And the thing that is really great about it is that you know how bad he wants people to like him. It just eats him up on the inside that he is so reviled. He’s not like Barry Bonds or Terrell Owens who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about public opinion. Arod desperately wants to be accepted and the more he tries the more people hate him. He is like the annoying kid in school who tries so hard to fit and be liked that he just ends up making people hate him even more. I love it.
— elpresidente
8. This next random thought is funny and disturbing all at once. Apparently there is a rumor flying around that Screech Powers has a monster 10” dong. Now I’m not a big fan of thinking about this type of stuff, but I couldn’t help but laugh at the below interview.
Dustin Diamond a.k.a. Screech Powers from Saved by the Bell addressed the rumors about his ten-inch dick to Nerve.com. He kind of skipped around the issue, not really admitting it. I for one need to see it to believe it.
Do you have Screech stalkers?
I have Dustin Diamond stalkers. I have people who are fans of the show that show up — girls who have heard the legend of the D.
The eight-inch monster?
Eight?
Nine?
You didn't listen to that [Howard Stern] transcript did you?
Ten?
Yeah.
Ten inches. Okay, good.
I have girls showing up and saying, "Ruin me." One of them, I don't know if she had all of her teeth. I mean, most of them were there.
So let me get this straight. Girls show up at Screech Powers door asking him to “ruin them” with The Legend of D? I’m calling bullshit on this one. I mean the only way for Screech to try and get out from under the image of Screech and not seem like a total dork is by saying he has a monster rod. It makes perfect sense. Regardless, it’s still pretty funny. (and disturbing)
— elpresidente
9. What the f-ck is the deal with these bike thing thingies that are sprouting up all over Faneuil Hall? (I don’t even know what to call them) They have like 97 seats on them and a big steering wheel in the middle. I mean what kind of lunatic not only gets on this bike, but actually pays to get on it? One of my life mottos is that I don't pay to peddle. It doesn’t look like it is even an ounce of fun. You got people peddling in all sorts of directions and everybody is sweating their asses of on it. Not to mention everybody staring at you like you’re insane. No thanks. Furthermore, I’m 99.9% percent sure that you will get to your destination faster walking than you will riding in one of these bike contraptions. I wonder whose idea this was anyway?
10. I was minding my own business the last couple days doing my paper route when I couldn’t help but notice a sign that somebody taped to one of my news racks near the Prudential T Station. It said “Where are all the scantily clad men?” Since we try our best to respond to all inquiries regarding the Stool, I figured I’d answer this person’s question. To be honest, I never really noticed that we only put chicks on the front. Regardless, I think the answer is fairly obvious that if you’re looking for scantily clad men than you should read Stuff@Night. Just take a look at their latest issue in which they have a dude on the front without a shirt on. As a side note, I must take issue with this person’s request for people not to buy The Stool. I think it’s unfair to ask anybody to make that sacrifice in light of the fact that we don’t sell it to begin with.
— elpresidente
11. Celtics' GM Danny Ainge, in his never-ending campaign to completely confuse his team's fanbase, has signed Kevin Pittsnogle, an unathletic big man who can shoot the three but can't run or rebound. The signing of everyone's favorite hillbilly basketball player gives the Celtics approximately 43 players under contract for next season and will allow head coach Doc Rivers to live his dream of never putting the same five players on the court together more than once a season.
At this point, I feel like Ainge is just fucking with us. One day, he's building a team around guys like Sebastian Telfair and Rajon Rondo. The Celtics are going to play up-tempo and run opponents of the floor. Then he tries to land Allen Iverson. The Celtics are going focus on a half court game with Iverson and Paul Pierce playing rocks-scissors-paper to figure out who gets to shoot. Then he signs Kevin Pittsnogle giving the Celtics a Rainbow Coalition of big men who, if combined in some Frankenstein experiment, would make a decent power forward but individually their lone skill is overshadowed by the myriad of skills they lack.
Considering that the Celtics now have a burgeoning collection of lesser-lights such as Pittsnogle, Leon Powe and Allan Ray on the roster, it seems inevitable that some sort of Ainge-engineered deal is in the works, as Jeff Clark pointed out recently on celticsblog.com. I just pray that the Allen Iverson trade goes through and that Pittsnogle isn't involved- I would pay a $1,000,000 to hear AI and Pittsnogle talk about their tattoos. - Chisholm
12. I don't want to single-handedly crush Providence's tourism because I think it's a cool little city but WaterFire sucks. An article on Boston.com is hyping it as a reason to go to Providence. If you were always dying to go to Providence but swore you wouldn't until someone lit a log on fire and floated it on one of the city's non-famous rivers, then you're in luck. WaterFire is for you.
I went down to WaterFire a few years ago. It was explained to me as "they light the river on fire." I was like "that sounds pretty cool. Lighting a river on fire seems like a good time." That's not what WaterFire is. Basically, there are these cauldrons in the middle of the river. Each cauldron holds a few logs. The logs are lit on fire. And that's about where the excitement ends.
The general idea is that you walk along the river, stare at these little fires, fall in love with the revitalization of Providence and decide that the lure of the Providence Place Mall and Dell's Lemonade is too much to resist. What really happens is you go, walk around for about five minutes, realize that you've just seen pretty much 85% of Providence, try to find your way to Federal Hill for some Italian, grab some gnocchi and get back on 95.
— chisholm
13. In the Sunday Globe football notes column, Jerome Solomon had this tidbit:
It's not often an NFL player has a younger sister who plays football. It is not often a 300-pound NFL offensive lineman doesn't outweigh his younger sister.
Both of the above apply to Jets rookie center Nick Mangold and his sister Holley, a 16-year-old junior who is 5 feet 9 inches, 300 pounds, and could start at guard for Archbishop Alter High.
Then Solomon quotes their dad, Vern, "Holley jut enjoys that cold rush when you smack into somebody. It's hard for me to say about my little buttercup, but it's true."
Hilarious. The quote of the year. I have to admit this story fascinates me. We had a lot of heavy girls in my high school, and I myself was no oil painting. But the next 5-9, 300 lb. 16-year-old female football player I see will be the first. Can anyone find me a picture of this girl? Google images was no help. But this I've got to see.
And if my son is playing against Archbishop Alter, and gets pancaked by this chick, my house goes on the market the next day.
— Jerry Thornton
Reader Email
Email #1
Let me be the first to say that I love summer. Warm weather, golf, night games at Fenway, drinking cold beer outside, women in skirts....you get the idea. With all that's great about summer, I feel I need to address something that's gone on long enough. 15 year old girls need to stop dressing like hookers. Have you been to Downtown Crossing recently? It's like a whore convention. And the fact that all of these girls are out of school just means that they're all walking around all day. Now don't get me wrong, I love seeing the ladies dress provocatively, but there's got to be some sort of age cut-off. Can't we have all girls under the age of 17 wear a black arm-band.....kinda like when someone in a sports organization dies? That way, you don't have to worry about checking that person out only to have your buddy, or worse girlfriend, say "hey, you know that girl right there is only like 15". It's win-win for everyone. I think it's a great idea that needs to go into effect immediately.
I think that this is a fabulous idea. The fact is that when a bare midriff or some cleavage enters a man's eye-line, he's going to look. It's that whole biological imperative. But nowadays, women who are 35 dress like girls who are 15 and vice versa so you don't know if you're checking out the future Mrs. Right or the future star witness at your statutory rape trial.
Now, the simplest solution to this problem would be for guys to just stop staring at women. Barstool could start dressing our cover models in pant suits. Spring Break could be held in Anchorage and Moosejaw, parkas could replace bikinis. But that's just crazy talk.
So, let's add this to Mayor Menino's to-do list right after fixing potholes and building obnoxious skyscrapers but definitely ahead of doing something about kids getting shot every day. All girls under 18 are required to wear identification, visible from up to 200 feet away, making it clear that even though they may be dressed like they just got off the pole, all men should avert their eyes.