Random Thoughts
1. I thought when Lance Armstrong finally retired from bike riding, we wouldn’t have to hear about this ridiculous sport anymore. But by all accounts I was wrong because apparently Floyd Landis is now America’s greatest athlete. This is of course the new bike rider who apparently had one of the best bike rides the other day in the history of the bike rides overcoming a huge deficit and ended up winning the yellow shirt.
“What Floyd Landis did today was something mythic," said Juan Fernandez, Landis' sport director on the Phonak team. "This is something you can write in the history books, like the exploits of Eddy Merckx or Bernard Hinault. He was like a wounded lion. He wanted to take out the spine in his back and show the world who he was."
Whatever dude. All I know is that this just confirms everything I ever thought about this race. For the past 7 years all we heard about was how great Lance Armstrong is and how his heart is 19 times bigger than the size of a normal person’s heart, blah, blah, blah. The media made it seem like once Lance retired the Americans wouldn’t have a chance anymore. It would be like Jordan retiring from the Bulls. But Floyd Landis has stepped in without skipping a beat proving that unknown stiffs can win the Tour De Bike Race. Hopefully this is the final nail in the coffin in terms of proclaiming bike riders America’s best athletes.
2. Manny Ramirez hit his 25th Ding Dong of the season yesterday making it 10 straight 25 HR seasons. This got me thinking about how Manny Ramirez is the most underappreciated Boston athlete of the past 30 years. (AKA, my lifetime) Not only is Manny a sure fire 1st ballot hall of famer but he is arguably one of the 10 best offensive players in the history of baseball. He’s that good. And let’s not forget he was the World Series MVP. An award that you would have thought guaranteed Manny’s place as a legend in this city. But the bottom line is that the majority of Red Sox fans still either don’t like Manny or just don’t care about him. And it’s a given that the Red Sox won’t even attempt to re-sign him and nobody will say boo. What people including Red Sox management don’t seem to realize is that Manny Ramirez is irreplaceable. It’s beyond me how everybody is just so willing to part ways with him. Granted he is a total space cadet, but who cares? The guy has produced like nobody else in baseball since the minute we got him. My guess is that once Manny’s contract is done and he leaves town the Red Sox offense takes 9 steps backwards. And that’s when everybody will start realizing just how great he is and how important he is to this team. I’m not sure there has ever been anybody who has performed at such a consistently high level for as long as Manny Ramirez and who has been trashed more by the fans and the media than Manny Ramirez.
3. Are people watching the Contender? I really hope you are because it is great. I freaking love this show. ESPN has thankfully done nothing to screw it up aside from the West Coast starting time. Regardless, the show is every bit as good as it was last year. In fact it’s probably better because they got rid of those silly little games that determined who got to pick the next fight and injured half the boxers last year. The only downfall is that Sly Stallone isn’t involved so we don’t get to see him spar against the air like we did last season. As a side note, let me say this; if I was ever a contestant on the Contender I would never pick to fight a Mexican fighter. They make me think of a Phil Simms quote that he made about the Patriots last year, which really made no sense about the Pats, but makes sense for Mexican fighters: They don’t care whether they win or lose; they just like to be in the fight. Mexican fighters don’t believe in covering up or strategy or anything else. They just want to sit in the middle of the ring and whale on each other’s face until somebody dies. And they feel like they’re letting down their entire country if they don’t fight till the death.
4. For some unfathomable reason, a debate about the current Israel/Lebanon/Hezbollah/Syria/Iran situation has erupted on our blog. It seems that most of the people involved are pissed that Barstool Sports hasn't been paying more attention to the Middle East. As someone who once participated in a mediation program with Israelis and Palestinians from the West Bank and Gaza, I understand that opinions on the Israeli-Arab relationship are incredibly intense. But here's the thing: Barstool Sports doesn't give a shit about the Middle East. There are two things we try to avoid here- politics and religion- and the goddamn Middle East is chock full of both. We may occasionally comment on something funny President Bush said but that's the extent of it. If you are a reader of Barstool Sports and are eagerly awaiting our take on the Middle East situation, you're an idiot. You don't come to a site like ours and expect to read a dissertation on why something as simple as water may be at the heart of modern Israeli-Palestinian tensions. If you are eagerly awaiting the day Barstool Sports starts espousing on the Middle East, here are the five things that need to happen:
- The NFL needs to expand to Amman.
- The Red Sox sign a 16-year old Yemeni pitcher.
- Burkas are replaced with bikinis, increasing our stock of cover models exponentially.
- Pete Manzo actually sacks up and lets us send him to Iraq to be embedded with US troops.
- I finally stop blogging about soccer and turn my attention to camel racing.
5. With Boston closing in on triple digits, many people turn to a Dunkin Donuts' iced coffee for relief. But what is it about non-air conditioned Dunkins? Before work I stopped in at the Dunkin on the corner of Cambridge and Bowdoin streets to grab some iced coffees for the office- that's the kind of guy I am.
I almost died. It had to be 120 in there. People were walking in, muttering a quick "holy shit," turning around and cooling off in the 90-degree weather outside. Customers looked like Paul Newman getting out of the hotbox by the time they made their way to the register.
Shouldn't all Dunkin Donuts be air conditioned? Aren't there labor laws that guarantee that you don't have to work or order breakfast sandwiches in a place that's hotter than Death Valley? And who are the people that get a hot coffee on days like this? An old lady in front of me ordered a coffee and even made the worker make sure that it was "piping hot." The workers claimed that the toaster was broken but I think they just realized that if they turned it on there was a solid chance of them bursting into flames.
And I just want Joe Biden to know that there were no Indians behind the counter.
6. I’ve always kind of thought that the X games were a joke and not really a sport. Well today I am one step closer to proving my case. A mole at ESPN emailed us about the X games. Apparently they are starting in about two weeks so ESPN is starting to have production meetings getting ready. Anyway, today, all the people working on X Games had to get together for a 2 hour meeting...to make signs for the fans to hold up. You know, things like: Tony Hawk is Rad and Shaun White is Golden. They want to make sure that the fans look like they are REALLY into it. Is that what the WWE does?
7. Long time Stoolies know that El Presidente doesn’t start paying attention to baseball until after the all star break. Therefore, this is really my first MLB post of the entire season. And I’m here to say that there is no way in hell that both the Yankees and Red Sox aren’t making the playoffs. It seems like every single year the hot thing to say is that the Wild Card is going to come out of somewhere other than the East. Give me a freaking break. Personally I think the Tigers are going to fade into oblivion during the 2nd half, but even if they don’t it won’t matter. If the Tigers do somehow hang on then the White Sox won’t make it. This is an El Presidente guarantee.
8. I’ve gotten a bunch of emails about this win a date with Jessica Biel contest that is going on right now. Here is the story according to MSNBC.
A date with Jessica Biel will be up for bid next week to help raise money for a teenager who lost her leg in a prom night limousine accident, Denver newspapers reported this week. The event dubbed “Mollypalooza” to help Molly Bloom’s family with medical expenses is scheduled for Tuesday at the Rock Island Club, organizers told The Denver Post and Rocky Mountain News. The News described the date as a lunch date.
Bloom was run over and dragged about 38 feet by a Hummer stretch limousine, police said. Limousine driver Stanley D. Sample, 38, faces a misdemeanor charge of careless driving resulting in serious bodily injury.
Listen, nobody loves Jessica Biel more than me. I still maintain that she is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen live. But even I’m not bidding on this auction item. My old baseball coach used to say that grandmothers catch pop ups. Well, friends go on “lunch dates”. Now if you changed the rules to how much to sleep with Jessica Biel then that’s a whole different ball game. (Now let all the emails from people who know people who know people who banged the crap out of her at Tufts begin) Anyway, I think the more remarkable part of this story is the actual Prom Night accident. I kept thinking I was reading about a Great White Shark attack or something.
9. Boston.com- A rare two-toned lobster is seen in this Thursday, July 13, 2006, photo taken in Bar Harbor, Maine. The lobster caught by Alan Robinson in Dyer's Bay is a typical mottled green on one side; the other side is a shade of orange that looks cooked. Robinson, of Steuben, donated the lobster to the Mount Desert Oceanarium. Staff members say the odds or finding a half-and-half lobster are 1 in 50 million to 100 million.
I’d be pissed if I was the guy who caught this Lobster. I’m a firm believer that you only get so much luck in your life. You can’t waste your luck on things that don’t really help you liking catching a two toned Lobster. Me, I waste all my luck on getting great parking spaces. I could get a parking spot in front of Giacomos in the North end at 7pm on a Saturday if I needed to, but I can’t win a race in poker if my life depended on it. Anyway, the odds of this guy finding this lobster apparently were 100 million to 1. Yikes. You might as well just throw in the towel on winning anything for the rest of your life. At the very least he should have been able to bring the thing to the Antiques Roadshow or something.
10. I don't know why but I was thinking about this the other day. I'm curious - you think Bill Cosby, even by accident, has ever read anything on barstoolsports.com?
Maybe he was f'n around online in the middle of the night looking for bar stools and in the process, came across our site? I wonder.
Not sure of the exact stats, but I'd like to think we're at the point where major celebrities are at least unintentionally stumbling across the home page. What about somebody even bigger - like Madonna or President Clinton? You think Billy C ever read the wedding article where I took a shit in the hotel room? I bet he'd like that one. Again, I'm not saying they're regular readers; just by accident stumbled across the website. It is the internet - you never know. Everyone loves the internet.
Anyway, if you're a major celebrity and reading this now, here's your chance to say so. Please post a comment if you are a major celebrity. Puddin' Pops on me.
11. I got the following press release sent to me from the World Series of Poker. It is a list of the sexiest poker players in the tournament according to Internet supermodel Cindy Margolis.
Margolis’ sexiest poker player list is as follows: 1) Daniel Negreanu; 2) Joseph Hachem; 3) Chris "Jesus" Feguson; 4) Chad Brown; 5) Johnny Chan; 6) John Juanda; 7) Mike Mizrachi; 8) Greg Mueller; 9) Greg Raymer; and 10) Doyle Brunson.
Well this settles it. Poker players are the ugliest group of human beings on the planet. I mean this is the most disturbing list I’ve ever seen in my life. How can Greg Raymer be voted the 9th sexiest person at anything? He is arguably one of the ugliest people in the world.
12. There is a mildly amusing thread right now on the Barstool Message Board titled "Brushes with Greatness", where people are sharing their encounters with the rich and famous. Well I've decided to "take it down a notch", and talk about the time I watched Tyson/Lewis with the great Livan Hernandez.
June 2002 - I was at a sports bar on the West Side of Manhattan called "West Side Sports Bar, of Manhattan" with about 9 dudes for a bachelor party. We were seated at a middle table, a prime viewing area, about an hour before the fight. Directly across from me were 2 empty seats with "reserved" tags on them. Sure enough, who sits down but Giants' outfielder Marvin Bernard and pitcher Livan Hernandez, both in town for a weekend series vs. the Yankees.
Here's the incredibly interesting part - I had just CUT Livan Hernandez from my fantasy team 2 days earlier; so it was super awkward. It was like we had just broken up. I couldn't even say hi or anything because I thought he was still upset at me. My buddies were like, "I don't think he cares." I'm not so sure though. He was very standoff-ish and didn't say a word, en Ingles, all night.
Anyway, that is one of my many "Bumps with Mediocrity". Next up - the riveting tale of the time I played 3-Card Poker with NBA superstar Matt Geiger in the Bahamas. Try beating that with Queen-9.
13. I feel bad for the two kids featured in today's Globe story about sneaking into Fenway Park. Josh Earle and Sean Driscoll are marked men. Never going to be able to sleep in the same bed two nights in a row. No credit card transactions. They're going to have to live their lives off the grid, listening to the Sox on a transistor radio in some shack in the woods of Maine.
If you don't think that Larry Lucchino and Dr. Charles are holding an organizational meeting about fans sneaking into Fenway first thing this morning, you're delusional. Every Fenway security guard is going to have to memorize Earle and Driscoll's mugshots. Think the Big Dig tunnels are being furiously re-inspected? Every inch of Fenway is being looked over. Hell hath no fury like a Lucchino scorned.
I wouldn't be surprised if Lucchino organizes the Fenway Minutemen. Expect to see Tim Wakefield and Mike Timlin in urban camouflage, armed and ready to take out with extreme prejudice any Fenway border-jumpers.
14. Okay, whitening tooth paste is officially out of control. Not only is it getting ultra expensive, but it’s impossible to decide which kind to buy and what works best. Right now I’m hooked on Colgate Simply White. It cost like 834 bucks a tube and it comes in space age packaging. To be honest, I can’t tell if it works all, but I’m a firm believer that when in doubt just buy the fanciest and most expensive thing you can find. I’m curious what other people are using and whether there is anything that officially works. And I refuse to use the Arm and Hammer shit. I know that probably makes your teeth white as hell after once brushing, but it also tastes like dish detergent. Even I have some standards.
15. I’m looking for a little advice from the Stoolies. What is the deal with car pool lane on 93 South? Can you sneak in there without anybody in your passenger seat or do you get nabbed 100% of the time. Is there always a cop guarding that entrance? And what’s the penalty for getting caught? I know that whenever I’m driving back to Abington I try and sneak peeks at the car pool lane to see if anybody snuck in there and I always feel like there are a ton of people driving solo in there. But I’m not sure if it’s just my mind playing tricks on me. Regardless, I freaking despise people who sneak into the carpool lane. I’d kill them if I could as I watch them zoom by laughing at me as I’m stuck in traffic in my astrovan. But at the same time I’m not above buying a fake person doll and putting it in the front seat of my car so I can take advantage of it. There’s no way the cop can detect a real person from a fake person right? I bet lots of people do that. I’m serious.
16. A guy sent an article in to me last week about the flaws in Entourage. I didn't agree with most of the article, but he did make one great point that is beyond dispute. And in light of last week's threesome episode I felt compelled to share it with everybody. This is what he wrote;
Where Are the Boobs?
The show makes it very evident that the guys get a lot of play.
Could we see some of it?
If I’m supposed to live vicariously through these guys, let me have all access, especially to the best perk of being in the entourage. I’m not saying every episode has to be as graphic as Brianna loves Jenna, but every hook up scene makes me feel like I am in the eighth grade. I’m waiting for them to have Brittany Murphy give Vince a hand job in the bathroom at Warner Bros. Studios. Bada Bing can have three dancers on the stage at once, but Turtle’s escorts have to wear tops? Lack of grotesque nudity is a major mistake. It almost sinks the whole show.
Reader Email
Email #1
"Reason #456 Xaverian blows:
Former Xaverian quarterback Zack Asack,now the quarterback at Duke was suspended for the year because of plagiarism. Yup, read that shit again. This asshole couldn't even get into trouble by getting into a barroom brawl, doing drugs, or stealing laptops. He goes and gets busted for plagiarism. You gotta be kidding me.................Duke is better off without this sissy as their leader."
Let me just say this. If you’re smart enough to get into Duke than you should be smart enough not to get busted for plagiarism. And I’ve got to assume the fact that he was a football player didn’t really help him get in since football is like woman’s field hockey at Duke. The bottom line is that everybody cheats in high school and college. I feel like you just suck at the game of life if you get caught doing it. By the way where is Xaverian?
Email #2
I just wanted to chime in and see what the Boston consensus was in comparing the two rookie pitching sensations. In my mind, Red Sox fans are absolutely delirious if they think Papelbon is on equal footing with Liriano. Papelbon’s had a great rookie season, almost flawless in fact. His numbers are mind boggling, but it is somewhat tainted in that he has only pitched 49 innings. But they still pale in comparison to the dominating Domincan. How about 11 wins in 12 starts with an ERA under 2 and more than 10 strikeouts per 9 innings as a starter. Any chance big-market Boston shows the little guys some love? What do you think of Liriano’s Cy Young chances?
Brett, Minneapolis
I’m not going to sit here and say that Liriano isn’t having a great season. Granted I’ve only seen him pitch once, but his numbers speak for themselves. And the Baseball Tonight crew basically blow a load anytime they talk about him. But Papelbon has been unreal as well. You can’t hold the fact that he’s only pitched 49 innings against him. He’s a closer. I can understand the philosophical argument of the importance between a closer and a starter but that’s a totally different discussion. The bottom line is that Papelbon has the advantage right now because he’s pitched a full season and Liriano has only started 12 games. Now if Liriano goes undefeated the rest of the way and puts up 20 wins then we can have this debate.