Random Thoughts

1. You know who deserves to be pissed off this week?   Michael Bay, that’s who.   He got absolutely destroyed on a recent episode of Entourage.   Did you see Vince’s reaction when he heard that Michael Bay was directing Aquaman II and not James Cameron?   Vince looked like somebody just ran over his dog.   And then he and Eric talked about how the movie was going to be a disaster and the studio was just rushing it out to make money.    Now I don’t pretend to be an expert on movie directors, but since when did Michael Bay become dog shit?    This is the same guy who directed the The Rock, Bad Boys and Pearl Harbor.  While those may not be Oscar winning films, I don’t think it’s a stretch for him to be able to handle Aquaman II.    In fact, I may argue he’s a better fit than James Cameron for this style of a movie.   Regardless, there was no need for Vince to act like Michael Bay just won Project Greenlight.  You know Bay has to be pissed.   I know I would be.

2. A good sub is hard to beat. I have a few criterion when assessing the quality of a sub:

• Quality ingredients- I'm partial to Boar's Head cold cuts and any cutlet has to be freshly made.
• Solid roll- Has to be fresh and moist enough so that it remains in one piece and doesn't split into two pieces so you're trying to eat a steak-and-cheese on two pieces of bread.
• Ample supply of ingredients- not over-the-top Carnegie Deli style so you can hardly eat it but enough so that after you finish, you lean back and exhale.
• Convenience- You don't want to wait 30-minutes for a sub. 10-minutes is my limit. If you can't walk in, order, grab a drink and some chips and pay in 10-minutes, you might as well go to a restaurant.
• Diverse menu- There are some sub shops that are known for one or two signature items but the best can handle your Italian, your girlfriend's Veggie and your buddy's Steak Bomb.

I'm from Medford and live in Boston so my base of knowledge is concentrated in roughly those areas but here are some of my top two places for sub goodness.

• Bob's (Medford)- My number one. I could eat there every day. The guys behind the counter are pros, they use top-notch ingredients and the menu has something for everyone.
• Victor's (Somerville)- A very close 2nd. The chicken parm is awesome. Lots and lots of food for your money.

3. The Globe's Brian McGrory most recent column details the success that the Boston Convention and Exhibition Center has enjoyed. Basically, the BCEC, formerly regarded as a classic Boston boondoggle, has made Boston a major destination for all those big, overdone corporate conventions that our readers get dragged to every now and then.

But James Rooney, the guy in charge of the whole shebang, talks about how convention goers have had less than glowing things to say about Boston's taxi drivers.

Rooney tells the story of the two German software executives who had had such bad experiences with a pair of rude Boston taxi drivers that when they hosted a convention for 5,500 people last September, they hired a fleet of buses to pick up the arriving conventioneers at Logan Airport. That one move cost cabbies about $70,000 in fares.

I don't think that anyone suddenly expects Boston's cab drivers to morph into London black cab drivers overnight but as anyone who takes cabs around the city knows the quality of Boston's taxi drivers varies widely from "actually knows where Fenway Park is" to "shitting your pants in terror." And I know that there are some decent cabbies out there and that it's a tough job with long hours. But I really don't care.

Maybe there are worse cab drivers in other major cities but I haven't found them. Boston's cabbies have well-earned reputation for being terrible and if Mayor Menino is going to be launching jihads against potholes then he could at least issue a minor fatwa against the city's cabbies.

4. Back in the late 80's, lesbians were like DVD's. There were only a few of them out there, but you knew one day they'd be big.

And we were right.

The 90's - early 2000's were a huge hot-bed of lesbian activity. Then came Bound, Real World: Las Vegas, "Girls Gone Wild", every Stern show in the history of Stern, and of course the Britney-Madonna kiss. And ever since, things just haven't been the same.

Last night thanks to an urgent text message, I caught the shower scene at the tail-end of Wild Things 3 (the last of the "Wild Things Trilogy") and was like "Whatever". It was tremendous, sure, but something was missing.

I don't know, maybe I've "lost feeling for lesbianism" like I did Candlebox's first album. Granted this took 20+ years as opposed to the Candlebox thing which took 3 weeks, but you get the point. Can I be "too old" for lesbianism? No way. That can't be. Bottom line is that of course I will still creepily stare while 2 girls sloppily make-out at a bar, on the beach, at a bar on the beach, in a movie, on TV, in a movie on TV, the Internet, da Club, etc., etc., but unlike years gone by, I'm not going to leap over a table like OJ in the airport of a Hertz commercial to do it.

I blame Francona.

5. Sylvester Stallone is 60-years old. That just boggles the mind. I can't believe that a 60-year old Stallone is going to revive both the Rocky and Rambo franchises.

Speaking of Stallone, I was in Chicago a few weeks ago and headed to that big boat bar, Castaways, right on the beach. If you haven't been to the boat bar before, it's the meathead capital of the Midwest. It makes a Saturday on Revere Beach look like tea at the Ritz. All of a sudden, my friends and I notice this commotion and all these guys are crowding around so of course we expect fight and move in to watch the carnage. No fight.

Impromptu arm wrestling competition. These guys were deadly serious, to the point of the occasional head butt during competition. Anyways, I heard approximately 12,000,000 Over the Top references in the span of about ten minutes.

But here's the real question: What are your top 5 favorite Stallone movies? In no particular order, I think mine would be Rocky IV, Rocky II, Victory, Cobra and First Blood II.

6. I just spent the last 96 hours down in Newport -- 95 of them listening to the same 7 songs over and over either in the car, on the beach or at the bar. Some of them grew on me while others I grew to hate - but all of them were stuck in my head at one point or another. Yes, I know it's early, but here are the Top 7 favorites (with odds) for "Song of the Summer", 2006.

7. "Stars are Blind" - Paris Hilton. I kind of like this song. A.) P-Hilt's voice sounds pretty good and B.) I'm totally digging the "Reggae beat" that she devised for the background. Now I'm a big Paris Hilton guy anyway; not only is she an absolute whore but I think it's cute how she gets into these adorable little fender-benders every 2 weeks. Good song. S.O.S. Odds: 35-1.

6. "Its Goin' Down" - Yung Joc. All we have here is some guy telling us "Its goin' down... in the club.... its goin' down... in the club..." Um, okay dude, I believe you. That's usually where things "Go down". Trust me, I saw a girl giving head to some dude in the crapper the other night - I just don't see this one lasting till Labor Day... S.O.S. Odds: 30-1.

5. "Public Affair" - Jessica "Don't Call Me Ashley" Simpson. Holy crap this may very well be the worst song ever made... EVER MADE! And I'm not one to throw something like that around lightly. It's freakin terrible. It's pointless. I see no reason for this song at all, but she's still a Simpson so we have to include her as one of the favorites. S.O.S. Odds: 25-1.

4. "BOOTY-BOOTY-BOOTY-BOOTY BOOTY EVERYWHERE!" - Bubba Sparx. I don't even know if that's what he's saying but I'm assuming that's the song title. If it's not, it should be because the "Booty Booty Booty" part is the only part I remember. S.O.S. Odds: 19-1.

3. "Crazy" - Gnarles Barkley. I feel extremely hip knowing that this is a good song, and it is. A strong contender for S.O.S. Odds: 8-1. And in case you were wondering, Gnarles Barkley is not a role model.

2. "Promiscuous Girl" - Nelly Furtado. Meatheads, take note: ALL the broads gravitate to the dance floor for this one. Even the girls standing by the bar all night feeling bad for themselves. It's their chance to shine. Promiscuous Girl, discovered incidentally by our own El Presidente, continues to get serious airplay and I don't see it slowing down any time soon. S.O.S. Odds: 3-1.

1. "Ridin' Dirty" - Chamillionaire. A close call for #1 between this and Promiscuous Girl but the lyrics here are unbelievable:

"Next to the playstation controlla
Theres a full clip in my pistola
Send a jacka into a coma
Girl yeen know I'm crazy like krazie bone
Just tryna bone ain't trying to have no babies
Ride clean as hell so I pull in ladies"

I mean honestly...

And I'd program the chorus as my cell phone ring if I knew how to. S.O.S. Odds: 2-1.

8. I was going to take a blogging vacation for the 4^th of July week because I figured nobody is around but I couldn’t stop myself from writing a quick blog about the “Wild Hanlons” from Treasure Hunters.   I’m guessing that lots of people didn’t watch this show and I can’t blame you for it.   Treasure Hunters is just a knock off of the Amazing Race.   But the one redeeming quality of Treasure Hunters is that it featured the dumbest team in the history of reality television in the Wild Hanlons.   The Wild Hanlons were a couple of rednecks from god knows where, who set back the entire redneck movement by about 300 years.   I can’t stress how dumb these guys were.   By my count, they didn’t solve one puzzle on the entire show and got tricked into thinking that things such as rain, rocks and the ocean were somehow clues to the game.  I’ve honestly never seen anything like it.    You knew it was just a matter of time until they got eliminated, but their run while it lasted was unparalled.    It was kind of like watching Pedro in his prime.  You knew you’d never see anything quite like it again.

9. Check the Sex Offender Registry for the name "Skip Bayless." No longer content with just violating the English language, the terrible columnist is now showing interest in violating Age of Consent statutes. In his unreadable Page 2 column today, the 97 year old Bayless openly lusts after 16 year old Michelle Wie:

• With opening sentence, Bayless makes clear his feelings for this child, "I watched every shot of Sunday's final round of the U.S. Women's Open for one long, tall, beautiful reason. "
• He calls her "eye-poppingly wonderful. "
• In one sentence he works in the words "temptation" and "premature."
• He asks "Have you been built to last, Michelle?"
• "I'm afraid the answer is a long, tall, not-so-beautiful no."
• Skip calls Wie "watchable." Then he says, no offense to the other female golfers, "but it's much easier to reach for the remote when Michelle is" competing.
• "She looks like she has grown to 6-foot-1, and her swing is as beautiful as she has become as she enters womanhood"
• "She could pass for 25 in her shades, dangling earrings and cool outfits ."
• "Cute little Michelle, giving the crowd that little four-finger wave and that small smile."
• "But if you could pour any of their amateur-honed intangibles into Wie's body..." (Right, that's what he wants to pour into her body.)
• And finally, "I want to be a Michelle fan. But right now, I'm afraid to be. "

Not afraid enough, Skip. You sick bastard.

10. Minnesota Timberwolves forward Eddie Grfffin seems to have landed himself in some hot water after getting in a car accident recently.    Apparently not only was Griffin drunk, but he was beating off to porn while driving his SUV.  (Clearly a West Coast Customs job)    To complicate matters, after the accident Griffin pulled up his pants and walked into a local convenience store and proclaimed to the clerk that he was drunk and didn’t want to get in trouble.   In fact, Griffin tried to bribe the guys he hit by offering to buy them a brand new car as long as it wasn’t “a Bentley” if they didn’t report the accident.

Hmm, I really don’t know where to start with this one.   It’s just a tough break when you get in a car accident while drunk and masturbating.   I mean it can happen to the best of us.  And what’s with these guys who wouldn’t accept the bribe?     Were they holding out for the Bentley?   I think Griffin offered them a great deal.  I know that if Griffin smashed into my Astrovan I’d gladly take a brand new Mercedes as compensation.     Anyways, the lesson here is not to drink and drive and beat off.   Bad things could happen.  It’s all about the kids here at Barstool Sports.

12. I think Hurricane Peter McNeeley may be my favorite athlete of the 20^th century.   The guy never fails to make me laugh.   Some may say his career went downhill after getting knocked out by Mike Tyson.  Other may trace his decent to when he got knocked out by a Pizza Hut slice of pizza, but I beg to differ.  I don’t think Peter McNeely has faded at all.  He still makes his presence felt once every few years with a story that is just too good to be true.  He’s like a lunar eclipse.    In case you somehow missed the Hurricane’s latest escapades, he was arrested yesterday for driving the getaway car of a high stakes robbery where his accomplice robbed a CVS of 180 dollars and a fanny pack in Stoughton.   180 dollars and a fanny pack!!!    I thought there was an unwritten rule in the world of crime that you need to be stealing at least 5 grand worth of stuff to afford a getaway driver, but apparently the Hurricane works for cheap.      This is just a priceless story.   I can’t think of a worse getaway driver than Hurricane Peter McNeeley.   I wouldn’t trust him driving me through Boston in rush hour never mind behind the wheel of a daring CVS robbery.

13. The thing that makes El Presidente, El Presidente is my ability to talk just as easily about the NBA draft as I can about The Hills on MTV.    Anyway, last night’s episode had one of my favorite lines of the year.   Basically Audrina who is arguably the hottest chick in the history of MTV reality shows went on a date with some idiot model dude.   They are at dinner when out of the blue, the model dude takes out his cell phone and says he has to check his machine, which I don’t think they teach you in First Date 101.    After he gets off the phone, Audrina’s cell phone rings and she looks at the model dude as if to ask whether she should answer it.  Obviously this wouldn’t even be an issue if it weren’t for the fact model dude just checked his messages two seconds prior to the phone call.   So model dude says this to her;  

“Answer it, it’s the right thing to do”   

It’s the right thing to do!!!  Ha! Ha! Ha!    Listen buddy, I don’t think it is the right thing to do.   I’m pretty sure it’s bad form to answer your cell phone in the middle of dinner on a first date.   The best part was that Audrina who is dumb as nails called the idiot model dude “greasy” right in from of him.  It was supposed to be in code, but I don’t think you needed to be Inspector Gadget to figure out what she was saying.

14. Ok, one of my biggest complaints about living on the South Shore is that the Pizza sucks.  Outside of Papa Ginos I haven’t found one place with what I’d qualify as satisfactory pizza.    Therefore, anytime I meet somebody from the South Shore I inquire about where they get their pizza from.    The more people I talked to the more often I heard the name Town Spa Pizza in Stoughton.  So last night the First Lady and I decided to make the 25 minute drive to Stoughton to check out what all the hype was about.  Say whatever you want about El Presidente but if I hear about a good Pizza place, I’ll freaking drive to Africa to test it out.  Anyway, I must say that this place delivers the goods which is a rarity for South Shore establishments.  The atmosphere at Town Spa is exactly what you want at a pizza place.  You got kids running around in their little league uniforms, locals getting smashed at the bar and all the waitresses are in their 40’s or 50’s and clearly live down the street.  There is a big screen TV and a bunch of smaller TV’s in the place which were all obviously on the Red Sox game and people cheered whenever the Red Sox did something good which I always like.   Also, you can purchase Stoughton Townie t-shirts in the restaurant which is always a classic townie move.   On the outside Town Spa looks like a big brick American Legion lodge or something like that.   And they have a section of the restaurant that is just for take out which is always a great sign.   It reminded me of Santarpios in that regard.  I give the place an A+ for environment.  As far as the actual pizza goes, I’d give it a B+ which is a great score from me because I’m a pizza Nazi.    My one complaint would be that it was a little floppy.     Town Spa has the 2^nd best pizza I’ve had on the South Shore.   The best pizza on the South Shore award goes to Café Tosca in Hingham, which is night and day in terms of environment.    Overall Town Spa was worth the 25 minute drive to get there, but the First Lady and I won’t be going back anytime soon because Café Tosca is the same distance from our house and the Pizza is better there.

15. I had a run in with a Northeastern cop yesterday during my paper route.   It begs the question if these guys are even real cops?    Are they?    Or is there only job not to let people riot after Red Sox games and bust up underage drinking parties?     Whatever their responsibility is it’s clear they have too much time on their hands.    I pulled in front of Our House East around 11pm to drop off papers.  There was no parking on the street so I double parked in front of the place.   Well before I could get out of the car a Northeastern “hero” cop pulled out of an alley with his sirens blaring.    Apparently he was waiting for somebody to commit the exact crime that I was in the process of committing.   Anyway, he told me I couldn’t park there and to keep driving. I told the college cop that I was just dropping off papers and it would only take 3 seconds.  Keep in mind I’ve had this exchange with 7 million people during the 3 years that I’ve been doing my paper route and never once has anybody given me a problem.  Well apparently this answer wasn’t good enough for Mr. Northeastern because he got out of his car and got right in my face about giving him attitude and talking back to him.   Finally, I just said “whatever” and drove away but not before Mr. Northeastern warned me not to try to do it again.    I was so pissed off that I immediately went to Wendy’s and got a large Frosty.    Man, I love Frosty's.