Random Thoughts

1. Pound for pound, Mike Greenwell has to go down as one of the most entertaining Red Sox players of all time.   It didn’t matter whether he was sliding head first into first base on a play where he was out by 3 feet, attacking Mo Vaughn with a bat outside the batting cages or destroying poor Louis Rivera on a shallow pop to short left field, the Gator was 100% pure adrenaline all the time.    And the thing about Greenwell is that he has still managed to make headlines long after having retired.  I remember him getting thrown out of a little league game for arguing balls and strikes.  He also went on the record as saying he should be given the MVP award the year Canceco won it because Jose was on Roids.   Now the Gator is starting his 2^nd career as a race car driver.   I honestly can’t think of a better profession for him.    I can just imagine the Gator trying to pummel somebody who bumps him into a wall or something after the race.   And as always, Greenwell blessed us with one of his outrageous quotes…

''I retired very early,'' Greenwell said. ''I hit .297 my final year and I had 20 offers to go back and play the next year.  But I wanted to go racing. I literally quit baseball so I could go racing.''

Whatever Mike.  I don’t believe you for a second, but it doesn’t mean I want you to stop talking.

2. This week’s example of why America is going soft is from the great state of Connecticut.  I’m telling you at this rate, Canada is going to invade us by the end of next year.

ESPN.com - The football committee of the Connecticut Interscholastic Athletic Conference, which governs high school sports, is adopting a "score management" policy that will suspend coaches whose teams win by more than 50 points. A rout is considered an unsportsmanlike infraction and the coach of the offending team will be disqualified from coaching the next game, said Tony Mosa, assistant executive director of the Cheshire, Conn.-based conference. "We were concerned with any coach running up the game. There's no need for it," Mosa said. "This is something that we really have been discussing for the last couple of years.

This rule sucks.   I’m not even going to get into the discussion about what happens when the 3^rd team is better than the other team’s first team.  The bottom line is that losing by 50 points is part of life.  Little Johnny isn’t always going to be competitive at everything he does.  To use my favorite Caddyshack quote for stories like these, the world needs ditch diggers too.  You didn’t see me complaining when East Lynn Pop Warner was hanging 50 on us by half time did you?   And look at me now.  I’m the President of the best goddamn free bi-weekly sports and entertainment newspaper in Boston with a circulation under 50,000 and above 20,000.

3. I understand that with the Yankees in town this past week passions are heightened at Fenway but throwing back Yankees' home runs is kind of lame. I even saw some dude throw back a ball that was tossed into the stands by ARod after the final out of an inning. Give me a break, hero. Just pass the ball to the little kid next to you.  Throwing back opposing teams' home runs is lame because it's a Wrigley Field tradition and Red Sox fans should never stoop to the level of the cartoonish Cubs' fans. And if we're going to steal some other fans' tradition we should at least do it right. Cubs' fans in the bleachers throw back every home run hit by the opponent. They don't wait for the Cardinals to come to town. So, if people want to throw back home run balls, they should do it when the Devil Rays and Royals are in town too.

I've been going to Sox games basically since I could walk and I've never come close to catching a foul ball, let alone a home run. I don't care if it's Game 7 of the ALCS and ARod hits a series-ending walkoff. I'm keeping that ball. Maybe that makes me a bad Sox fan but catching a foul ball/ home run ball at Fenway is my Everest.

4, I can’t believe that I’m forced to write this next random thought.   I never thought it would come to this point, but how the hell is Around the Horn still on the air on ESPN?    This is just about the worst show in the history of television.   It is barely more tolerable than Yo Momma on MTV.   I’d MUCH rather watch the world paintball championships, women’s softball or pool than this show.    It just amazes me that it has lasted this long.  I feel like Stat Boy must secretly be the son of whoever owns ESPN.   And the thing that makes it stand out even more is the fact it is on right before PTI which is the best program on ESPN.   And the two shows basically talk about the same exact thing only one show is great and the other one sucks.    There is absolutely nothing worse than sportswriters trying to be funny, cool and hip when they’re not any of those things.   I can’t wait until this show is cancelled.   It will be a great day for America.  

And speaking of shows that will soon be cancelled I somehow caught myself watching the beginning of Quite Frankly with Steven A. Smith yesterday around midnight.   Do you want to know how he started his show?   He played a montage of clips from the past two weeks of him on different shows saying the Pistons would win the NBA Finals.    Then after all the clips he started dancing and bragging saying “Did I tell you the Pistons would win or I did I tell you the Pistons would win”    The way he was talking you would have thought he predicted Buster Douglas knocking out Mike Tyson.   Forget the fact that Detroit hasn’t won anything yet.   Why does Steven A. think picking the heavy favorite is anything worth bragging about?   My two year old niece predicted the Pistons to win the NBA title and I don’t even have a 2 year old niece.

5. The latest college sports team to get in trouble over hazing is the University of Iowa baseball team.   The problems began when pictures surfaced on (drum roll please) facebook with players using their hats to cover their dongs.   The pictures were sent to a local newspaper which sent them to the University of Iowa Athletic department so on and so on.     Frankly I’m getting sick and tired of these type stories.  When are these idiots going to learn that you can’t bring cameras to hazing initiations?    If Barstool Sports ever starts hazing our new writers I can guarantee that everybody will have to walk through a metal detector before we begin.   I mean it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to realize that if you’re going to take pictures it’s going to come back to bite you in the ass.

6. Well another season of 24 is in the books.   And with Jack Bauer being tortured by the "Seinfeld...party of four" guy, here are the questions that remain unanswered from last season:

• Is Wayne Palmer still running through the woods?
• Has the ship sailed on Miles cool new job in the White House?
• Has anyone ever been killed by a First Lady before? (I mean, besides Vince Foster...)
• Is Agent Adams going to be left out there for the crows to eat?
• Who the hell is the guy with the earpiece? And how much scotch can he and his cronies hold?
• "How's that leg doing, Mrs. Henderson? Say, about your husband..."
• The First Lady didn't give Jack much time. Is the President a premature ejaculator?
• What happened to Inessa, the underage Russian girl? Is she on MySpace yet?
• When are visiting hours for Edgar and Lynn McGill's wakes?
• When will Jack return to America and stick his foot up Kim's insufferable boyfriend's ass?
• Will the nation's nuclear submarines hire night watchmen?
• All in all, did the fact that Spenser Wolf nailed Chloe make it a good day for him?
• And finally...not to get caught up in trivial matters, but is anyone going to untie the bank president's wife and tell her that her husband is dead?

7. I’m a horse racing guy and I’m an animal guy.  And as such I feel horrible about what happened to Barbaro in the Preakness.  Do I feel as bad as my buddy Elio who called me 3 seconds before the race to say he had a feeling about Barbaro?  No, probably not, but watching him break his leg was one of the saddest things in recent memory.  I can’t even watch the replays of the race because it grosses me out to much.   But having said that I’m not sure I understand all these people who are writing “get well” cards to Barbaro and putting up signs around the vet hospital.    Umm, not to sound cynical or anything but I don’t think he can read.   Do you know what Barbaro would do if you walked into his room and gave him a card?  He’d bite you.   Literally.    That’s what the doctor says he’s been doing since coming out of surgery.    So while I understand feeling badly about the injury I don’t think the answer is to write poetry to Barbaro. 

8. Albert Pujols homered in his 3^rd straight game yesterday vs. the Royals and is on pace to shatter Barry Bonds HR record.   Here are his projected stats for this season

The thing that shocks me the most about these statistics is that you never hear anybody talk about steroids with Pujols.  Why is that?   I’ve heard a million players and experts say that what Bonds, Sosa and McGwire did was impossible without steroids and that people just sort of turned a blind eye to it because it was good for baseball.  Well it seems to me the same thing is happening with Pujols.    Why is he any different than any of the other guys?  I am 100% convinced that Pujols is using some sort of illegal substance.    Everybody knows that MLB isn’t testing for everything and somebody who wants to beat the test can beat the test.    I think it’s comical that everybody can act so righteous about Bonds but not even bring up the possibility of steroid use with Pujols.    I’m telling you the guy is juicing, but he’s just better at it keeping it a secret than the other guys.  And what about St. Louis fans?  Shouldn’t they be on top of this?   They’ve already seen this movie before with their last fraud 1^st baseman.

9. This next random thought has nothing to do with anything, but I’m writing it anyway.  Have people noticed that whenever you use a 100 dollar bill to pay for anything the person you are giving it to always tries to check if it’s counterfeit?   I paid for 60 bucks worth of gas the other day (thanks Bushy) with a C-Note and the attendant looked like I had just given him a 1 million dollar bill.  He was running all sorts of tests on the thing before giving me back my change.  I am 100% convinced that I could have handed him monopoly money and he wouldn’t have known the difference.   And it’s not just him.  Anytime I pay with a 100 people become Inspector Gadget.   So for all you people out there thinking of starting counterfeit rings I’d recommend staying away from the hundo’s because they apparently scream fake to begin with.  

10. It’s that time of the month again everybody.  It’s time for our monthly FSU chick update.   Apparently Jen Sterger is now on the public speaking tour.    In a poor imitation of Beauty and the Geek, Sterger will be visiting a Dartmouth fraternity to give a speech.  Yes, the Ivy League school.    

Roger Finger, a Sterger family friend and co-creator of her official Web site, said that such appearances help to demonstrate that Sterger is "more than just a bikini model" and is a dedicated student who maintains a 3.75 grade point average.

I’m sure that’s exactly why this frat hired her to make this appearance.  They want to listen to Sterger wax poetically about her 3.75 GPA.   Let me tell you something; this thing has Duke Lacrosse written all over it.  But I will say this about the social chair for the Dartmouth Frat.  That is who I want leading me into battle.     I hope this kid becomes president.    And yes El Presidente is frantically trying to book Sterger for a speech at our next Company Christmas Party.  The only problem is we’ve never had a Christmas Party and she’ll have to be willing to take her speaking fee in trade.   Maybe a free hat or something.

11. The big news in the world of former Little League stars who were 15 at the time they played Little League is that Danny Almonte is married.   The now 19 year old phenom married a 31 year old broad.   And the best part of the story is that apparently Danny won her over with his 80 mph fastball (195 mph in Little League conversion terms) as a fake 12 year old.    His bride admits to the New York Post that during his Little League days Danny

“ always used to tell me things and I was like, 'You're a minor . . . we'd get in trouble," the pretty, freckle-faced bride said with a smile from a couch in the Bronx apartment she shares with Almonte. "I really waited for the right person to come along," she explained, "so I wasn't going to just fool around, especially not with someone younger than me."

You’ve got to give Almonte’s wife some credit for restraining herself from f-cking a fake 12 year old.  I feel like that type of restraint is a lost art form these days.  Clearly the moral of this story is that good things come to those who wait. 

12. I’m kind of a MySpace expert now.    And as I such I know that the next big song that all the hot little chickadees are going to have playing on their MySpace page is Promiscuous Girl by Nelly Furtado.  This song is going to blow up soon.   Trust me; I’m tapped into this sh-t.    Don’t be surprised if you hear it as the next song on our cover model video shoot.    My only problem with it is the fact that Nelly drops this line on us…

“ It's okay, it's alright. I got something that you gon' like. Hey is that the truth or are you talking trash Is your game M.V.P. like Steve Nash"

Is Nelly Furtado from Canada?  She must be right?   Who talks about Steve Nash being the MVP of the League? 

13. A nation turns its lonely eye to you, Joey Chestnut. Long has America been under the boot of the Japanese. Long have our people felt shame and embarrassment. But no more. For Joey Chestnut has arrived. It's a new day in America. Joey Chestnut is here.

What the hell am I talking about? Obviously the Fourth of July Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest. The event has been dominated by Takeru Kobayashi for the past five years and as anyone who has seen his MTV True Life special knows- that boy can flat out eat. No American has even come close to catching Kobayashi...until now.

Chestnut scarfed down 50 hot dogs during a qualifier for the Nathan's contest and will go head-to-head with Kobayashi on the Fourth of July. In the process, he set a new American record and gave the crazy people at the International Federation of Competitive Eating a reason to give quotes like this:

"The Fourth of July has been stolen from Americans because of Kobayashi's dominance and now America has someone who they can get excited about."

So Joey Chestnut, the time has come. America is behind you. You're gonna eat lightning and you're gonna crap thunder. You're the best around and no one's ever gonna get you down. Strike that motherfucker out.

14. It’s about time for me to talk about Billy Joel getting his number retired at Madison Square Garden.   I can’t believe I haven’t discussed this yet.  How the hell does Billy Joel get his number raised to the rafters?   Ok, I know he has played 12 shows at MSG which is the most ever.  But who freaking cares?  There are three strict rules in my book on how you get your number retired.  Rule #1 is that you need to have a number.   Billy Joel doesn’t have a number so he should be eliminated right there.    Rule #2 is that you need to play a sport.  Billy Joel is a musician, not an athlete so again he shouldn’t qualify.  Rule #3 is that you need to be awesome at the sport you play.   Again since Billy Joel didn’t play a sport it’s impossible for him to be awesome at it.  The only possible exception to Rule #3 is if you die suddenly or get severely injured like Travis Roy, Reggie Lewis or Hank Gathers.    But even if you die you still need to be on a team to be eligible for jersey retirement.    If I was a former NY athlete and my number was retired at Madison Square Garden I’d ask for it to be taken down once they put the Piano Man’s up there.  It makes a mockery of the whole process. 

15. Don’t look now but Nomar Garciaparra had another game winning hit for the Dodgers last night.   Nomar is carrying the Dodgers on his back.  It looks like he is the best shortstop in baseball after all even though he is playing first base.   Everyday is like a broken record as he continues to deliver clutch hit after clutch hit   Nomar is hitting .337 and leads the team in OPS with a ridiculous 1.041 percentage.    The guy is like superman.   Anything he wants to hit he hits.  You have to throw his name in the MVP talk in the National League.  Puljos Smusholz.  At least Nomar isn’t on roids.

16. Men of the world, I bring you tidings of great joy. Several weeks ago it was reported that Wilder Valderrama was claiming, among his sexual conquests, the deflowering of Mandy Moore.You can now go back to your lives safe in the knowledge that Fez in not a superstud, he's just one of those pathetic losers who lies about getting his swerve on to impress people. In a recent interview, Mandy denied Fez' claim calling it "utterly tacky, not even true..." The fact that she then went on to say that she does still like him can't deter me from feeling really great about this bit of happy news.Jennifer Love Hewitt has also called Valderrama a lying sack of crap saying, "I was told that we had all these very steamy encounters and I was like, 'Really! Well, I would have loved to have been there!" The world can now resume spinning on its axis.

16. Is Chevy Chase destitute? I ask because I just saw a commercial for Karate Dog. Apparently, this movie was made 2-years ago but I'm not sure if it's ever seen the light of day until now. Here's the synopsis:

During his investigation of the murder of an old man, Detective Peter Fowler (Simon Rex) takes custody of the victim's dog and finds himself in over his head. Fowler soon learns that this dog named Cho Cho (voiced by Chevy Chase) is extraordinary, not only is he the single eye witness to the murder, but he can actually articulate what he has seen to humans. Cho Cho's mind-blowing capabilities continue as he demonstrates his expertise in martial arts. The unlikely duo team up to find the person responsible for killing Cho Cho's master, but accidentally stumble upon an even greater conspiracy led by Hamilton Cage (Jon Voight). Along the way, Fowler falls for the beautiful yet tough female officer, Ashley Wilkens (Jaime Pressly).

It's almost been 20-years since Chevy actually made a decent movie. Vegas Vacation (1997) is the only film he's made recently that could even be described as "not frighteningly unwatchable." The saddest part is that Chevy doesn't even get top billing for Karate Dog. He loses out to the immortal Simon Rex.