Random Thoughts

1. Anybody see the new Improper Bostonian yet? It is their Man Issue. I haven’t had time to read it yet, but I’m sure it will drive me nuts. This is my least favorite issue of the year. I just don’t get how they think a magazine full of chicks can publish a “Man Issue" and be taken seriously. It would be like the Stool publishing an issue called “The Female Issue” and having articles about "How to still look good when Flo comes to town” and “How to know when the Asian ladies are talking about you when you’re getting your nails done.” It’s impossible for us to know that stuff. And what was up with the girl on the cover? Am I crazy or was she ugly? I hate to throw stones at glass houses, but the Improper has a whole fashion and design team with a big budget and they pick a girl who I wouldn’t use for the Cover of the Stool. Weird right?

2. This whole Red Sox front office thing is driving me nuts. It’s so stupid. Theo and Larry hate each other. End of story. There are tons of companies where members of management don’t see eye to eye. Did John Henry change Larry’s role in the organization to convince Theo to come back? Maybe, maybe not. But I know we’re never really going to know the truth and I could care less. I feel like Boston fans are being used by the media. The media is making this a huge story because it sells papers and the Red Sox are dumb enough to fuel the fire with ridiculous press releases, press conferences and leaking of stories. Again, I just root for laundry and do my best to ignore the fact that our front office is a joke. Boston is the only city where people would care about this, but people care for the wrong reasons. It’s not going to affect the team on the field. It really isn’t. The only possible explanation on why somebody would be so interested in this fiasco is because they are morally opposed to rooting for a team that is run by dishonest sales weasels. And I went through this moral battle when Lucchino ambushed Nomar. But if you only care about whether the team wins or not, the fact that Larry and Theo hate each other and that the Sox front office sucks at spin control is a non issue. It really is.

3. Dallas Morning News - Conference USA assistant commissioner Chris Woolard said game officials appeared to have "exercised poor judgment" in assessing a technical foul on Houston coach Tom Penders after he fainted on the court during last Saturday's game against UAB. When a foul was called against one of his players, Penders jumped off the bench, then collapsed. Referees gave Penders a technical, thinking he was trying to show them up when in fact he really collapsed. He went to the locker room on a stretcher.
Ha! I love this story. And trust me, Tom Penders faked that episode. There is no way he really passed out. Tom Penders could be dead and buried and I’d still say he faked it. This guy can sell snow to the Eskimos. He is as slick as they come. Still it’s a hilarious photo. I can just picture the ref in his face T’ing him up while Penders is lying on the ground.
4. Garret Bushong, a Purdue tight end, was recently suspended from the team for OWI (DWI) and was roundly criticized by the community and the school paper. Bushong didn’t take the negative publicity too well and in fact wrote a letter back to defend himself. Some of the highlights are as follows:
"Yeah, I got an OWI, so what! ... (People putting the paper together) continuously are publishing articles that make us (athletes) look so bad. If I am not mistaken, you guys go to Purdue too and I thought you would have a little more respect for... the people who bring millions of dollars into this university... We run this place and if anyone begs to differ, I'll say what my good buddy Brandon Kirsch once said. 'You know where to find me, locker number three, so come and say what you need to say to my face.'"
First of all, Garret Bushong has to end his rant by saying “Cowards!” like in School Ties. Regardless, thank god his good buddy Brandon Kirsch managed to string together 6 straight losses as the Purdue Starting QB before getting benched so Bushong didn’t have to develop his own material. Purdue won their final 3 games I might add.

5. The following was on NDNation.com. First it has their 2007 Football schedule.
• S 01 GEORGIA TECH
• S 08 @ Penn State
• S 15 @ Michigan
• S 22 MICHIGAN ST.
• S 29 @ Purdue
• O 06 @ UCLA
• O 13 FREDO
• O 20 SOUTHERN CAL
• N 03 NAVY
• N 10 AIR FORCE
• N 17 DUKE
• N 24 @ Stanford

When you click on the FREDO link, you get the following: ** Fredo is the mentally challenged brother in The Godfather who betrays the family out of his own stupidity. He ends up at the bottom of Lake Tahoe. It's used in the Big East to describe the way BC betrayed the conference.

Boston College: "It ain't the way I wanted it! I can handle things! I'm smart! Not like everybody says... like dumb... I'm smart and I want respect!"
The Big East: "Fredo, you're nothing to me now. You're not a brother, you're not a friend. I don't want to know you or what you do. I don't want to see you at the hotels, I don't want you near my house. When you see our mother, I want to know a day in advance, so I won't be there. You understand?"

Editors note: BC will always be a school that defines itself by the lowest possible standard: upsets of real teams rather than by any excellence achieved on its own. The greatest moments in BC lore are not national championships or Heisman trophies. BC actually revels in the fact that it can stub the toe of a great team rather than aspiring to greatness on its own. As such, it will always be viewed as the pathetic stupid brother mired in the world of mediocrity, who only touches greatness when it can upset it. BC's great years are bad years for real football schools. Of course, as a dumping ground for those who couldn't get into Notre Dame, BC fans wouldn't know the difference between excellence and mediocrity.

This is obviously a vicious attack on the Superfans, but in a way I actually think it’s an indirect compliment to BC. As Reggie Jackson once said, “fans don’t boo nobody’s.” The very fact that BC can create this type of animosity in ND fans means they’re doing something right.

6. Troy Polamalu was voted the hottest Steeler among nine candidates at a Pittsburgh website called Black and Gold after garnering 36% of 9,565 votes. Also racking up votes were: Hines Ward, Ben Roethlisberger, Jerome Bettis, Bill Cowher, Chris Hope, James Farrior, Antwaan Randle El, and Joey Porter. The only thing this proves is that the Steelers have the ugliest team in America. Any time Ben Roethlisberger and Jerome Bettis finish 3 and 4 in a looks contest you have major problems.

7. Anna Benson is back in the news telling the New York Daily News that she has no intention of toning down her act in Baltimore. According to the newspaper “Benson even promised to "christen" Camden Yards — Anna-speak for having sex in the parking lot of the stadium upon arrival” I can’t believe what I’m about to say. It’s put up or shut up time for Anna Benson. Either make a sex tape or go away.

8. Bode Miller told Rolling Stone that “if you want to cheat, you can.” and went on to say “The drug-regulation system is a weird, bad system…there’s all sorts of loopholes. If you say it has to be knowingly, you do what Lance Armstrong and all those guys do, where every morning their doctor gives them a box of pills and they don’t ask anything, they just take the pills.” Lance has of course denied these accusations. Frankly this whole story makes me want to puke. It’s bad enough that the Olympics are coming again but the last thing I need to read about is a cat fight between a skier and bike rider.

9. The Lions are reportedly interested in hiring Mike Martz as their new offensive coordinator. Apparently new head coach Rod Marinelli is as dumb as he looks. I mean he deserves to get stabbed in the back like you know he will for bringing Martz aboard. It’s just part of the package with him. I’d give it a year and ½ until Martz stages a coup and somehow becomes the head coach of the team. And it will be two years until Matt Millon realizes what happened.

10. Valentines Day is right around the corner and the Stool is here to help out. I was tempted to keep this hot spot all to myself but that wouldn’t be fair to all the Stoolies worldwide. So here goes: White Castle is taking reservations for candlelight dinners on February 14. Officials say the restaurant will be decorated for the romantic occasion and will feature a special menu as well as table-side service. If a nice candlelight dinner at White Castle doesn’t get you laid then I don’t know what will.

11. Apparently the ball that Doug Flutie dropkicked on New Year's Day will not make a trip to Canton because it's being held for ransom by an anonymous Pats fan. His demands as expressed through his lawyer are as follows

1. Payment of ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND ($100,000.00) DOLLARS on delivery of the football.

2. A guarantee of eight (8) season tickets for 25 years in the end zone (preferably sections 142 or 143).

2a. The season tickets will be paid for annually by my client at the then going price for season tickets. The Patriots would not be expected to pay for the tickets.

3. Delivery by the Patriots to my client sometime in September, 2006, of a Tom Brady Patriots' football jersey signed by all the team members as of the beginning of the next football season.

Well thank god this Masshole is willing to pay for his season tickets. That could have been a real sticking point in the negotiations.

12. Texas A&M is upset with the Seattle Seahawks over the fact that the Seahawks commonly refer to their stadium and crowd as the “Home of the 12th Man”. In fact the Seahawks retired the #12 way back in 1984. The Aggies believe that they own this phrase and it’s an insult to them and their fans that another team is using it. The Aggies obviously need to relax. This is almost as dumb as Paris Hilton trying to copyright the phrase “that’s hot.” And the thing about it is that Texas A&M doesn’t even use the 12th man anymore. They stopped using real students on special teams after getting burned on kickoff returns one year. If this tradition was so important to the Aggies they shouldn’t have stopped doing it. In my opinion if anybody should be getting sued it should be the Aggies for misrepresenting themselves as the Home of the 12th man since they’re not anymore.

13. The NEW ORLEANS TIMES reports that Hornets coach Byron Scott indicated that the team lost its December 16 game in Baton Rouge against the Suns "because of a lack of enthusiasm by the 7,302 fans in attendance.” No word yet on whether Ted Serandis is going to sue for copyright infringement. After all there is nothing Teddy loves doing more than blaming BC losses on the lack of atmosphere at Conte Forum. Wow!

14. NEWSDAY reports that the NBA has launched an informal probe into allegations that Isiah Thomas “conspired to get opposing players drunk the night before games." Geez, can you give a brother a break? Listen, Isiah has enough problems right now without being accused of conspiring to get opposing players drunk. Let the poor man deal with his sexual assault case before bringing up this other allegation. And more importantly how did Isiah allegedly conspire to get pro athletes drunk? Is he buying beer at the liquor store for the underage players or something?

15. Apparently Florida Governor Jeb Bush is an FSU fan. Jeb text messaged FSU’s prize recruit Myron Rolle to inform him that he was happy Myron was considering FSU. Here is the exact message;

I’m excited you're looking at Florida State. [FSU President] T.K. Wetherell and I are friends. When you come to Tallahassee again, let's hook up with each other.

— Jeb Bush

I wonder if these two guys ever hooked up in Tallahassee? That would be some meeting of the minds. I can just picture Rolle speaking with Jeb on Boost Mobile with the theme music of Hip Zeppi playing in the background.

16. There was an article on Boston.com last week about how home schooling is on the rise. According to the article “the number of home-schooled children has been rising for the last several years. In 2003, the last year for which figures are available, about 1.1 million students or 2.2 percent of children aged 5 through 17 were being home-schooled, according to the National Center for Education Statistics. That's a 29 percent rise from 1999. This my friends is a disturbing trend. I don’t know if any Stoolies were home schooled but I certainly hope not because it’s a one way ticket to being a social outcast. By home schooling your kids you are basically writing your child a one way ticket to loserville. Nobody and I mean nobody who is halfway normal gets home schooled.

17. In a recent NEW YORK POST interview, John Elway said his favorite TV show is "The Munsters," End of random thought.

18. Local6.com - FERNANDINA BEACH, Fla. -- Students in Nassau County may soon have the opportunity to turn crime tips into cash, according to a WJXT-TV report. School officials are considering a program that would pay students $100 if they help authorities find a student with drugs, alcohol, weapons, or tobacco on school grounds. This has bad idea written all over it. Nerds have a hard enough time not getting their lunch money stolen without having to worry about being beaten up for snitching on the popular kids. And what’s the point of snitching on somebody for 100 bucks if you’re just going have double that beaten out of you for ratting somebody out?

19. I’ll admit that I was shocked when I found out that Tom Brady was going to do the coin toss at the Superbowl. I just couldn’t believe that he’d agree to do it. Why would he want to put himself through that agony? I could barely stomach thinking about the Superbowl for these past two weeks so I can’t imagine what he was going through. I honestly thought I’d suffer a reversal of fortune when I watched it. But per usual Brady came out smelling like Roses. I’m not gay, but the guy is a freaking stud. He almost had me believing that it didn’t matter the Pats weren’t in the game because he’s bigger than the Superbowl. Sure, Ben Roethlisberger may have won the championship, but tomorrow he’s going to wake up and still be an ugly dude. He’s never going to be as good looking or have as many rings or be a legend like Tom Brady.

20. I thought the Superbowl was a pretty good game. But if I were the Seahawks, I’d be bullsh-t about the refs. I truly think the Refs cost Seattle the championship. It just seemed like it was one horrible call after another going against Seattle. I didn’t think the offensive pass interference call against Seattle in the first half on the TD was a good call. I didn’t think the holding penalty against Seattle in the 4th quarter on the play which netted the Seahawks a first and goal at the one yard line was a good call. The illegal block below the waist penalty on Hasselbeck after the interception was arguably the worst call in the history of football. And finally giving Roethlisberger the time out instead of the delay of game in the 4th quarter was a bad call. All of these penalties came at pivotal times and really doomed the Seahawks. I thought Matt Hasselbeck thoroughly outplayed Ben Roethlisberger and I thought the Seahawks thoroughly outplayed the Steelers. I don’t think the better team won last night and I know the best team didn’t win the superbowl this year. As a side note, I love how Pittsburgh needs trick plays to score 97% of their points.

21. Sticking with the Superbowl, if I bet on the King (Burger King Guy) to score a TD last night at -250, I think I would have killed myself after watching the BK commercial in the first quarter. What the hell was that? It wasn’t even a football commercial and the King barely showed his face. I mean you were never in it from the second the commercial started until the second it was over. It will have to go down as the worst prop bet of all time. Also, I hope whoever created that commercial for Burger King gets fired.

22. Speaking of superbowl commercials, it always amazes me to see how many crappy commercials there are every year. 97% of people who work at ad agencies are crooks. They get paid millions of dollars to come up with commercial ideas and they suck at it. I mean how can anybody think that the Burger King commercial is good? You’ve got to be a complete idiot to come up with this as your ad campaign. Sam from The Apprentice could have come up with a better commercial in 10 minutes. I just don’t get it. The world would be a better place if Ad Agencies didn’t exist to spend other people’s money. They are clueless. And I’m not just saying that because most of them won’t advertise with the Stool. But it does give you some insight on how places like Mohegan Sun and Foxwoods can advertise in the Improper Bostonian and not Barstool Sports.

23. One last random thought regarding Superbowl commercials. What is the deal with the new Gillette razor? It has like 94 razors coming out of it at all different angles. Frankly, I think the razor trend is starting to get disturbing. The Mach 3 was good enough. We didn’t need a battery powered version and we certainly don’t need this new razor which by all accounts can shave by itself and give blow jobs. Pretty soon it’s going to take an entire pay check to buy one set of blades.

Reader Email

Email #1

Hey, Maybe Theo came back because he really does love the Red Sox, and he - like me - couldn't stand to see what those clowns were doing to the team. Just a thought, Phillipe Aruba. PS - missed you at the stands this morning. Hope things worked out.

Maybe. Or maybe he realized there isn’t another place in the world where the GM of a baseball team can be viewed as an equal and sometimes bigger celebrity than the actual players.

Email #2

El Presidente,

1) I am sad that no Stoolies have commented on the Improper Bostonian "Man Issue." But I can understand why. We have a stack of issues in our campus hallway, calling out to be taken into the student lounge or bathroom for a quick read while eating or pooping out a meal, and yet I cannot take one for perusal. The mag is like a lazy form of kryptonite. I just don't care, and don't want to know how to spot which cut dog walkers in the South End are straight and single.

2) I am also intrigued that no one has mentioned the "Kickin' It with Adam" Boston Sports Review Issue. Do we Stoolies not read any Boston free paper but the Stool? I don't watch 24, I don't attend or hate BC, and I don't live in North or South Shore. I miss the caustic ramblings against these magazines when they would be published. Somebody step up.

3) In response to the NESN-Channel 38 Red Sox issue, I wrote letter to the Boston Globe editor, taking the side of the little man. In sum, Tom Werner is a bastard who bought the Padres, had a fire sale, made his buck, and left town with the team in shambles, all he cares about is money, his job is to milk money off the loyal fans of Boston, he wants the team to be all business (which is why Theo initially left) and his comparison to other teams who have cable plans is b*llshit when these other teams don't close a public street 81 days out of the year, and yet the team can't go games on a public TV channel 26 days of the year. Werner would like you to make "fork it up, its 10 bucks a month" argument, as it sidesteps the bigger issue that this team feels like it can bitch-slap the city around without fear of reprisal.

Little Jon Maldives

Let’s hope the reason nobody has mentioned the Improper or BSR is because nobody reads either of them. I did trash the “Man Issue” in random thoughts when it came out. I called the girl on the front page ugly. As far as the Boston Sports Review, they’re so pathetic it’s almost below me to even dignify them with slander. I mean they only come out once every six months or so. I need to focus my aggression somewhere else for the time being. Although I will say that when the Sports Review goes bust we will throw the biggest freaking party of all time. As a side note where do you go to school and why don’t you drop the Stool off where the Improper gets dumped?