Random Thoughts
1. I’m going to start random thoughts with an announcement about the most important party of the year. I can only be talking about our Cover Model of the Year Party. This is taking place Saturday Night February 11th at Game On! The party starts at 9pm. If you’ve never come to a Barstool Sports event before this is the one to come to. It is extremely important for Barstool Sports homeland security that we get a huge crowd for this thing. All the cover girls from the past year will be there and we’re going to announce our cover girl of the year and give her a 2,000 dollar travel voucher. Hopefully Stoolies near and far are marking this date on their calendar and we’ll bang this place out.
2. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times. The Stool isn’t doing our job if we’re not getting boycotted by somebody. Therefore, I’m happy to report that Wachovia Securities has banned our website and emails from their corporate server. We have been filed in the category of “provocative attire.”
3. SIENNA MILLER has gone way up in my book. Miller issued the following warning to Daisy Wright, the nanny who slept with Miller’s ex-fiancé Jude Law. “She better live in fear. I’m quite looking forward to the day when our paths will cross, which I know they will,” “I just hope she doesn’t run into me in a dark alley.” Whoa, Sienna! That’s what I’m talking about. You don’t hear beautiful women speak like this too much. But the bottom line is that if your nanny f-cked your husband you should be issuing death threats like they’re going out of style. Good for her.
4. Beep beep, beep beep, beep beep. 24 started last week. Am I crazy or do the first couple of episodes of 24 feel like the beginning of a new football or baseball season? You know that there is going to be a ton of emotional swings and that the journey is going to be huge time commitment. I must admit that I was disappointed to see David Palmer get whacked a couple of seconds into the show. I love when he and Jack team up to whoop ass on everybody. I thought the biggest shocker of the first episode was seeing Chloe crawl out of bed in her pajamas after a wild night at CTU. She looked sort of hot I thought. You know Edgar is pissed that the new guy is hitting that. Also, I’m very disappointed that a Hobbit is now running CTU. That’s poor casting if you ask me. I can’t take him seriously because I keep thinking I’m back in the Lord of the Rings or something. Also it’s good to know that some things don’t change at CTU. Curtis and Jack are still the only two dudes capable of getting anything done. You’d think that CTU would have learned after the Marwon fiasco that they need some more manpower. Oh well. I also despise President Charles Logan. The guy is an absolute joke. If I had to choose one guy to get killed right now I think I’d choose him over Walter and that’s saying something. At least Walter has some balls and is getting sh-t done. As a side note if people think I’m dead for two years and I suddenly show up out of the blue I hope I get a better reception than Jack did.
5. SAN FRANCISCO --A 20-year-old California Institute of Technology student set a new world record for solving the popular Rubik's Cube puzzle, by cracking it in 11.13 seconds. I don’t want to be a wet blanket here, but that’s freaking impossible. He must have memorized the exact movements of the Rubik’s Cube beforehand. I’m not buying anybody can solve that thing in 11 seconds. I’ve never solved it without taking the stickers off and moving them around, never mind 11 seconds.
6. CATONSVILLE, Md. -- Maryland-Baltimore County's men's basketball team has been indefinitely banished from its locker room, punishment by coach Randy Monroe for a sub par effort in a 75-58 home loss to New Hampshire on Wednesday. Team members are dressing in the courtside media workroom. Additionally, players have been forbidden to wear apparel bearing the school's name. The Retrievers (6-9) had been 5-1 at the RAC Arena before losing to New Hampshire (5-11), a team that had been averaging 56.6 points per game. Monroe, usually an animated presence on the sideline, spent most of the game sitting dejectedly in a folding chair.
I love this guy. I may steal this tactic from him. The Stool is hiring a couple of sales guys pretty soon and they can expect this type of treatment if they have a bad month. I’ll lock them right out of the office and ban them from wearing ugly shirts in public.
7. I can’t get through more than 2 or 3 random thoughts in a row without sinking back into depression about the Patriots. I still can’t believe that they lost. I don’t think I’m ever going to get over it. I don’t care whether they win the next 100 Super Bowls this one is always going to hurt. I just can’t handle losing when we’re so clearly the better team. The Super Bowl seems like a fraud without us in it. Everybody knows the best team is sitting home. I can’t take it. Not to pull a Simmons here but my buddy Hazy summed up the Denver game perfectly; “I wouldn't even give the Broncos any credit. They basically did nothing. Nothing at all. The Patriots dictated virtually everything that happened in that game. The Patriots dictated that the Patriots would lose.” It’s true.
8. I don’t know how I survive each day without watching Quite Frankly. Yesterday I was lucky enough to flip by it and catch Steven A. Smith’s pearl of wisdom regarding Nick Harper’s domestic abuse incident. “Just because you’re a woman that doesn’t give you the right to stab someone even if it’s your husband.” Sh-t, I didn’t know that. I thought chicks could do whatever they wanted just because they were chicks. Thank God for Steven A.
9. Chalk up another contender for the worst way to die category. A mechanic standing near a Boeing 737 at El Paso International Airport in Texas was sucked into one of the engines and killed Monday. I still maintain that getting eaten by a shark and drowning at the same time is the worst way to go but this is pretty bad.
10. I’ll admit it. I can’t get enough of American Idol. I’m addicted to watching Simon cripple all the misfits with his insults. And here is the thing about Simon. He never says the same thing twice. Somehow he always manages to come up with a new and equally punishing insult. I don’t think people realize just how brilliant he is. The show flat out wouldn’t work without him. Last night he told a guy he should become a girl, another guy that he is a rat and said the stage wasn’t big enough for a fat girl. I mean he’s ruthless. I feel guilty that I love him so much. He is literally ruining people’s lives in there. Every year I steal a few quotes from him and add them to my repertoire. Yesterday it was “you’re appalling with a capital A”
11. Everybody tip a 40 tonight. Ruthie got eliminated last week from the Gauntlet by fat Beth. Yes, this is a bigger upset than Buster Douglas knocking out Tyson.
12. So Eric Mangini took the Jets job. I can’t blame him. 5 years for 10 million, who wouldn’t go? But do you think the Jets were a bit desperate here? I mean the guy was a coordinator for 1 year. Sure the Pats defense was great by the end of the year but Belichick was the driving force behind that. I feel like the Jets would have settled for our guy who runs out and picks up the tee after kickoffs as long as he worked for us.
13. As much as I despise Pittsburgh Steelers fans I do kind of respect them. You can say whatever you want about Steelers fans, but they are passionate people who really care about the team. This next story kind of illustrates that fact.
“Terry O'Neill, 50, of Pittsburgh, was watching the game at a bar and had a heart attack seconds after Jerome Bettis fumbled trying to score from the 2- yard line late in the fourth quarter. O'Neill said Bettis is his hero. "I wasn't upset that the Steelers might lose," he told the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review. "I was upset because I didn't want to see him end his career like that. A guy like that deserves better. I guess it was a little too much for me to handle." O'Neill, who was recovering at a hospital, credits two firefighters with saving him. "The Steelers won the game and I'm still alive, so I guess I'm doing pretty good," he said.
Like I said the Steelers have passionate fans. You can’t take that away from them.
14. Kate Beckinsale told the Hollywood Star that she thinks she has a fat ass. Specifically she said “"I have days when I feel great, and I have days when my ass won't fit in my jeans and I won't leave the house. I guess when you become an actress you hope those fat ass days will go away, but of course they don't." My question is does the fact that Beckinsale thinks she has a fat ass make other women want to kill themselves?
15. So Theo Epstein is rejoining the Red Sox as a full time employee in a baseball operations capacity. In a separate press release John Henry said Larry Lucchino’s role is not changing with the team. This obviously begs the question: what changed? I thought the reason Theo left is because he couldn’t work with Larry. If Larry still has the same role why is he coming back? And how stupid does it make everybody look? Basically the Red Sox made a bunch of big moves and non moves that will shape the franchise for the next few years without the input of the guy who is responsible for shaping the vision of the team. Essentially Theo took a vacation during the most important part of the year. I think both sides look bad in this case. If they were able to come to an agreement now they should have been able to come to an agreement two months ago. If I were Theo I wouldn’t have returned unless Larry was gone. It makes his departure seem like he was just holding out for a better deal and held the team hostage. And what about Jed Hoyer and Ben Cherington? They are the real victims here. They were the ones caught in the middle of the ego war between Theo and Larry. Jed and Ben have both redefined the role of the good soldier. They deserve to go around and punch anybody they feel like in the face, whether that be Larry Lucchino, John Henry or Theo Epstein. I mean couldn’t Theo at least give these guys a crumb for making fools out of themselves and let them accept the credit for the Coco Crisp and Alex Gonzalez deal? Instead he has to swoop in and take the credit for saving the season. Why not wait to announce your return until these deals were completed? I think it’s the least you could do for making two of your “buddies” look like fools.
16. I was flipping through the Weekly Dig yesterday waiting for an appointment and noticed that Stadium had a full page ad in there. I can just picture the guys at the Dig elbowing each other getting a good laugh out of that one saying that “the Stool is going to sh-t themselves when they see it.” But I have to report that nothing surprises me with Stadium. They’ve bounced around from Stuff@Night to the Improper Bostonian to the Boston Sports Review and now to the Dig. I guess the new marketing plan is to mix sports fans from South Boston with the Central Square crowd. That should be an exciting experiment. The only thing that surprised me is that the reason Stadium told me that they didn’t want to advertise with us is because our girls are too provocative on the front and not the image they want to portray. Apparently girls in bikinis are bad, but porn and escort services are okay.
17. ESPN is canceling the short-lived "ESPN Hollywood," which airs on ESPN2. The show debuted on August 15, and the last episode will air January 26. It looks like its back to Animal Channel for AC Slater. At least he can say he had a cup of coffee in the show.
18. Here is an opinion question for people to chew on. Do people feel it necessary to go easy on girls when they play them in competitive sports? Last night at Bubble Hockey at the Sports Depot my first round opponent was a girl who clearly hadn’t played much bubble hockey in her day. Her boyfriend was there watching the game. But none of this stopped me from playing at full speed and humiliating her. I didn’t let up for a second. I carried the action from the opening face off to the final whistle and came away with an 8-1 victory for the Russkies. She scored when it was 6-0 in the third and I think I swore. I wanted the shut out. Some people may say that I’m arrogant and rude, but I can’t worry about my opponent. I go full speed at all times. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s bubble hockey, bowling or mini golf. I want to bury whoever I’m playing, whether it be man, woman, child or whatever. Is this the right way to approach these pseudo sports games? I’m curious what both males and females have to think about this one.
19. Hoya Paranoia is back! I can see the Red Army rolling across Europe now. Georgetown knocked off Duke on Saturday and I couldn’t be any happier. The world just seems like a better place when Georgetown is in the mix. Also, is there any doubt of the best conference in America? I know it’s early to be talking about the tournament but the Big East is just brutal. Where do you go to get easy wins besides South Florida? You know it’s tough when Freedom Hall is one of the easiest places to play in the conference. I’m also totally impressed with West Virginia. I’ll admit that I kind of thought that roll they got on at the end of last year was a fluke, but it clearly isn’t. Ever since Mike Gansey got beamed into Morgantown from outer space West Virginia has played like a top 5 team. It wouldn’t shock me at all to see Villanova, West Virginia and UConn all in the Final Four if they were seeded in different brackets.
20. Did people see that Mike Vanderjagt was a guest on Letterman on Thursday Night? He said all the right things during the interview including how he told both Peyton Manning and Tony Dungy that they could go for the end zone because he wouldn’t miss from 48 yards. Vanderjagt also went outside and successfully kicked a 48 yard field goal with Letterman holding for him. Frankly if I were on the Colts I’d be furious with this guy. Vanderjagt simply doesn’t get it. Nobody wants to see you go on Letterman and be a joke maker after you just cost your team a chance of going to the Super Bowl. All you’ve done for the past 5 years is talk junk about how great you are and try to draw attention to yourself. You finally get a chance to deliver and you flat out choke. You should be crying in your room for the next six months. I don’t want to hear about you until ESPN does a documentary on you Trey Junkett style about how your life is ruined and you almost committed suicide. The last thing I want to see is you try to act all cool and go on Letterman.
21. One of the more intriguing stories taking place on TV right now is the saga of Master P on Dancing with the Stars. Master P is arguably the worst dancer of all time. Yet he has avoided two elimination ceremonies because he is benefiting from the “Simon Cowell Factor” The Simon Cowell factor is when the judges rip you to shreds and make the voting public feel bad for you so you get the pity vote. It’s either that or the hood is watching Dancing with the Stars and voting in droves. Anyway, it’s only a matter of time until Master P gets bounced from this competition and you’d be doing yourself a disservice if you didn’t watch him dance at least once. It’s high comedy and high drama all at once. It’s especially entertaining to hear Master P react to the judge’s criticisms. He is clearly starting to be offended by the harsh critique of his dancing abilities. And as he’s stated a million times he’s only doing it for New Orleans, whatever that means.
22. I’ve got to admit that when I woke up this morning and saw a headline on msn.com that Kobe Bryant scored 81 points I thought it was a joke. I really did. I thought maybe it was a fake article or something. 81 points? Are you freaking kidding me? And then I read that the final score of the Seattle vs. Phoenix game was 152-149 in double OT. What the hell is going on out there? I didn’t even know the NBA season had started yet. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that Kobe will make a run at Wilt’s all time scoring record. He has way to big of an ego to not to try and break it. And I’m sure in his mind if he does break Wilt’s record that means he automatically becomes the greatest player of all time. Personally I could care less. Maybe it’s just because I’m not a huge NBA guy, but I knew Kobe was great before he put up 81 and I still know he’s great. But he didn’t suddenly jump into the MJ or LB category because of that game.
Reader Email
Email #1
Prez,
The reason you don't hear women talk like Sienna Miller is because they are woman. Who the fuck wants a chick who brawls? It's pathetic that Miller is concentrating her anger on the nanny rather than the guy who supposedly loved her. Listen, if Miller can forgive her boy for his transgressions, why even bother being mad at the whore he plowed? If you are a nanny wouldn't you plow a famous movie star? Pathetic. Hope this doesn't get me kicked out of the he He-Man Woman Haters Club.
Soog
Umm, I’ll take a chick that brawls if she looks like Sienna Miller. And I don’t think it’s pathetic at all that Miller is concentrating her anger at the Nanny. It’s one thing if it’s a random chick, but when it’s the nanny you should want to kick her ass.
Email #2
Czar David, Please settle something: Annie's Mac N Cheese, good or bad? You know the kind, its organic, comes in the purple box. I think it’s delicious, and I don't know anyone who doesn't like it. But a crazy friend of mine, for the sake of discussion let's call her "_antonRules", told me she had it tonight and thought it was the most disgusting thing she'd ever eaten. I consider myself a connoisseur of fine Mac n cheeses, so this statement troubled me greatly. What's your take? PS: I am watching "Two For The Money" on DVD Tuesday night...good lord its going to be awful. ~
Ratty
Let’s get one thing straight about El Presidente. I don’t change my life habits for anybody or anything. I only eat Kraft Mac N Cheese. I’ve been eating it my whole life and I’m not changing. Ever. Same goes for virtually every single product I use in my life it doesn’t matter whether it’s soap, toilet paper, shampoo or Mac N Cheese. I’m one of those guys that if you get me as a customer you have me for life. This is the long way of saying I’ve never tried Annie’s Mac N Cheese and I don’t plan on trying it anytime soon. Some may say I’m stubborn.
Email #3
I agree it's tough to see a hobbit running CTU. However it was clear a change had to be made when Bill Buchanan wanted to put Chloe in lockup, but she talked him out of it. It was exactly like Tony Dungy letting Peyton talk him out of punting on 4th & short. Buchanan is the Tony Dungy of CTU directors it's clear to everyone except the Colts that you can't win with that type of leader. Of course, Peyton wishes he had half as much guts as Chloe, but that's another story entirely.
Jason, Melrose
Funny email. I wish we had a prize to give you or something. I can give you a Stoolie party T shirt if you want one? Send me an email and I’ll send it out.