Random Thoughts
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2. File this next random thought under great ideas that went bad. According to the Chicago Tribune, Tampa police arrested 10 people last Sunday outside Raymond James Stadium accusing them of operating a mobile strip club in the parking lot before the Bucs-Bears game. Undercover officers fumbled upon the business after noticing smiling young women in Buccaneers jerseys handing out fliers before Sunday's kickoff against the Bears. Police found several bouncers and dancers inside the jet- black, 40-foot-long 1987 motor home, which was being guarded by four men. Police found alcohol being sold inside and lap dances being conducted at $20 if the woman was topless and $40 if she was nude. Officers confiscated $2,000 and the arrests were made before kickoff.
This really is a wonderful idea. I’m not kidding here. But the problem is how do you hide a mobile home strip club in a parking lot? There has to be a way. This is going to bother me until I figure it out. This is going to be my recycled cans scheme like Newman and Kramer in Seinfeld. It’s going to keep me up at night. If the Stool goes under I’m going to figure out a way to make mobile strip clubs work. After all I’m already half way there in terms of smut with the Stool. I might as well jump in with both feet.
3. Did anybody watch the Real World reunion special? I kind of lost interest after Danny got his face kicked in and it became obvious that Melinda wasn’t going to be Trishelle II. But I was very excited for the reunion special because I kept seeing previews of Nehemiah yelling at Danny “Ever since the show you think you’re Ben Affleck or something” This is my favorite line of all time because it is so true. There is no group of people who think they are bigger celebrities than the Real World crew. Putting somebody on the Real World and watching them try to control their ego is like a weird Dr. Phillip Zimbardo psych experiment. (As a side note I hope people got that Zimbardo joke because it may have been my best ever.) Also, for those of you who missed it, Danny proposed to Melinda and gave her a huge ring. The only problem is that he didn’t pay for it. He got the rock through MTV. I think it takes a certain level of scumbag to do that. Ladies what do you think? Would you rather a big ring that everybody knows Wal-Mart paid for or a small ring that your husband paid for with his own sweat and blood? This may be a future article for Kati Cawley of From Her Perspective. Also there is no way Danny and Melinda make it to the altar. In fact I’d be surprised if they made it through an Inferno without cheating on each other.
4. Okay here is the million dollar question: Does anybody own slingbox or slingblade or whatever the hell this invention is called? As far as I understand slingbox is some “magical” device that you can stick on your laptop that allows you to get your cable TV via your computer no matter where you are. So essentially you can be in China watching the Red Sox, Gastineau Girls, Deadliest Catch or whatever the case may be. I have no idea how much this thing costs but if I had to guess I’d say 1 billion dollars. When I first heard about this thing I felt like Homer when he stays at his brother Herb’s mansion and can’t get over the fact that he can order pork chops at any time day or night.
5. Boston Globe--A University of Pennsylvania student could be disciplined by the school for posting on the Web photos he took of a naked couple apparently having sex in front of a dorm room window. The photos taken earlier this fall show the couple standing in front of an upper-story window, but their faces are not identifiable. The student has been charged by the Ivy League school with violating its policies on sexual harassment and use of its electronic resources, said Andrew Geier, a psychology graduate student who is advising the photographer. Geier planned to ask the university to apologize and rescind the charges. The student, whom he declined to name, "has the right to take a picture and post it on his password-protected site, which is exactly what he did."
Can anybody tell me why Andrew Geier, “a psychology graduate student, “ is the dude advising the photographer? Did he stay at a Holiday Inn last night or something? Since when does a psychology degree double as a law degree? Let’s call a spade a spade. People who major in Psychology generally pick that as their major because they can’t handle Math, Science, Engineering or any other major for that matter. Don’t get me wrong I was a psychology major, but it wasn’t by accident.
6. A Reading mother, apparently trying to help her son make friends, is accused of throwing a rowdy keg party where she sold teens beer. Police say Kim Caufield, 39, now faces charges of distributing alcohol to a minor and delinquency of a minor. Reports state Caufield has a 14-year-old son attending Reading High School. Students who went to the party received cups for $5 and a mark on their hand to indicate they paid for the booze.
I hate to be master of the obvious here but if Kim Caufield really wanted to help her son make friends shouldn’t she have given away the beer cups for free? That’s kind of JV to be charging teenagers 5 bucks a cup when you’re 39 don’t you think?
7. “For Boston, For Boston, blah ,blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.” Don‘t look now Boise, but here come the Superfans! BC has once again proved the skeptics wrong as they will appear in their 97th consecutive MAJOR bowl game. This time around it is the MPC Computers Bowl on Dec 28th. Honestly I can’t think of a better place to spend the Holidays for the Superfans than in beautiful Boise, Idaho. Average temperature in Boise during December is a balmy -349 degrees. Combine this with the pageantry and tradition of the MPC Computers Bowl and I’m sure the loyal Superfans are snapping up all the hotel rooms in Boise as we speak. The good news for BC fans is that the Eagles should have no problem continuing their consecutive Bowl Game winning streak because the Eagles will roll over Boise State despite the fact this game is being played on the Blue Turf. As a side note this game has Trevor Mattich and Rod Gilmore written all over it.
8. Let’s stick with the MPC Computers Bowl for a minute. Tom O’Brien gave us the quote of the week regarding BC getting sent to Boise and it is as follows: “Heck, maybe the conference (ACC) wanted to send us to Boise because we’re the best team to play them.” HA! HA! HA!
9. The New York Mets are trying to trade pitcher Kris Benson and according to Anna Benson in the New York Daily News, the reason the Mets want to deal her husband is because they aren’t happy with Anna’s negotiations to pose nude for Playboy. She is doubly upset that the Mets would go out and sign Carlos Delgado who she suggested is unpatriotic because he has, in the past, refused to stand for the playing of "God Bless America." According to Anna Benson the Mets have their priorities mixed up. "Playboy is all-American. Everyone from Marilyn Monroe to Cindy Crawford has posed; they didn't turn their back on the flag."
I’m having a hard time believing the Mets want to deal Kris Benson because of the Playboy thing. But if this is the reason the Mets want to deal him I’m going to have to side with Anna on this one. How can the Mets or anybody get mad at her for wanting to show her goodies and follow the American Dream? I don’t know if it will make a difference but I would be happy to put Anna at the front of the line for a Barstool Cover if that will help restore her faith in America.
10. STAMFORD, Conn. -- Following the death of Eddie Guerrero, the World Wrestling Entertainment says it is starting random drug testing to detect illicit drugs, steroids and prescription drug abuse among its performers. No word yet on what will happen when wrestlers test positive for steroids. My guess is that the punishment won’t be nearly as severe as baseball considering that in 1994 Vince McMahan was acquitted of charges alleging he pressured his athletes to use steroids. Hmm, that doesn’t exactly seem like the type of guy who would be a stickler for a new steroid policy does it? My guess would be that this is Vince’s master plan to keep the Feds from sticking their noses where it doesn’t belong.
11. Did anybody catch R. Kelly singing the National Anthem before the Taylor vs. Hopkins fight last weekend? I think it’s safe to say that this was the first National Anthem where the person singing it asked for the crowd to clap along. There were also people swing-dancing to it in the ring. This performance wasn’t as memorable his “Trapped In The Closet” performance during the MTV Music Video Awards, but R. Kelly is quickly gaining the reputation as a can’t-miss performer.
12. In light of the fact that the Eagles got smoked this last Monday 42-0 and haven’t won since they suspended T.O., I think it’s safe to say there is only one quote to sum up the winners and losers in the whole T.O. fiasco. “This time we both lose Johnny.”
13. The Blue Jays are making the most news in the American League this off season as they continued to bolster their pitching staff by signing AJ Burnett. Now for the first time in recent memory there is a credible threat in the American League besides the Yankees. But I must admit that I’m much more comfortable with Beckett than Burnett. Burnett is not only 4 years older, but he is a lifetime .500 pitcher who was banished from the Marlins last year for talking shit about the team. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still a great #2 man, but I’ll take Schilling and Beckett over Halladay and Burnett for the time being.
14. I can’t help but notice that the Dukes of Hazzards DVD is about to go on sale. It’s tough to ignore these commercials because they keep promoting it as the “special unrated version”. Give me a freaking break. The studio knows that the only way anybody will buy this video is if they think that they may get a nude scene with Simpson which obviously isn’t going to happen. This is blatant false advertising if you ask me. I may have fallen for this trick when I was 12 but not anymore.
15. Sticking with the “unrated version” trick for a minute, if Victoria Secret wants to release an unrated version of last night’s fashion show I’ll sign over my bank account. After watching last night’s performance I couldn’t help but be reminded of what Victoria Secret’s corporate office told me a few years ago. El Presidente approached them with the brilliant idea that if they would give us free lingerie for our cover models we’d give them credit in the photos. I was told rather rudely by their marketing lady that “Victoria Secret pays the most beautiful women in the world millions of dollars to make their lingerie look as gorgeous as possible and they don’t want any other women modeling it.” Hmm, upon further review I guess this kind of makes sense. After all, every single model is freaking drop dead gorgeous. If I had to pick a favorite I think I’d go with Izabel Goulart, but it’s really too close to call with all of them. As a side note how the hell did Ricky Martin get a gig on the show last night?
16. ASTORIA, Ore. --A judge has told Sam Buck that she can't call her coffee shop Sambuck's. The judge ruled the name violated the trademark of coffee giant Starbucks. Is it a coincidence that this story is in the news during the same time that HBO is showing Coming To America every night? McDowell’s, McDonalds? Sambucks, Starbucks? Coincidence I think not.
17. Chalk up another victory for Mike Tice. Pencil in ear and all, he has somehow outwitted, outlasted, and outplayed yet another coach on the firing line. The Denver Post is reporting that Gary Barnett will finally be fired at Colorado. No word yet on whether the reason Barnett is getting fired is because CU lost to Nebraska and Texas by the combined score of 100-6 or whether it is a late reaction to the fact Colorado got busted for using drugs, alcohol and sex to entice recruits to the Boulder campus. Oh, and the fact that a female kicker got raped on his watch. Either way, once CU didn’t fire Barnett last year I thought he was a lock to outlast Tice. But I guess that’s why they play the game.
18. What is it with former Red Sox baseball players and their malcontent sons? The 27-year-old son of ex-Red Sox slugger Jim Rice was arrested Saturday night as he sat in his car shooting up heroin with a Boston woman, police said. Chauncey Rice and Heather Bennett were each charged with possession of heroin, possession of heroin with intent to distribute, possession of cocaine, and possession of a hypodermic needle and syringe. Rice was also charged with driving after suspension of his license, Lt. James Hashem said. The arrests took place just around the corner from the exclusive condominiums on Bobby Jones Lane at the Andover Country Club.
I’m finally going to put to work my totally useless psychology degree here. I actually played baseball against Chauncey back in high school and he was average at best. My theory is that the pressure of always failing to meet expectations and constantly hearing “that’s it?”, whenever he took the field must have taken a toll on him and led him to his current situation. Either that or he’s been hanging out with Jerry Remy’s kid.
20. The Krispy Kreme stores in Medford and Saugus abruptly closed yesterday after debuting to much fanfare. I love it. We’re not South Carolina. This is Boston baby. That sh-t may fly in Hicksville, but not around here.
21. Our daily “aren’t you glad you didn’t go to Colorado” story goes as follows; “Two white University of Colorado athletes have been ticketed for sending racist Internet messages to a Hispanic cross country runner, according to a published report. Clint O'Neal, a CU football player, and his girlfriend Jackie Zeigle, a cross country runner were cited for harassment and ethnic intimidation, the Boulder Daily Camera reported in its Thursday editions. Police said that O'Neal and Zeigle sent the messages to Greg Castro, calling him a "river rat," "border hopper" and "bean eating peace (sic) of s***." The message also threatened to drag Castro behind a car. The police report also accused the couple of sending a message to Stephen Pifer, a bi- racial friend of Castro, telling him to "stick with your own kind."
It’s weird because when I think of Colorado I think of a laid back hippy community where everybody loves each other and just wants to get high and ski. But apparently this is the worst school in America. Everyday it seems like there is another black eye in Boulder. We need to get the 7th Floor Crew to transfer to Boulder and rap about it.
22. KCCI.com HAMTRAMCK, Mich. –Authorities said a police officer in Michigan used a Taser stun gun on his partner during an argument about stopping for a soft drink. The suspect was fired after the Nov. 3 incident and is charged with assault. Ronald Dupuis, 32, could get up to 93 days in jail if convicted. Authorities said Dupuis asked partner Prema Graham to stop at a store for a soft drink, but she refused and instead kept driving back to headquarters. Authorities said the partners struggled over the steering wheel, and Dupuis hit Graham's leg with his department-issued Taser gun. She wasn't seriously hurt.
I haven’t heard of anything this ridiculous since I hit my best friend in the arm with a baseball bat because he was threatened to drop my baseball cards on the ground. I was 12 at the time. And in hindsight the punishment was probably just.
23. Let me tell you something about the Pats. They are quickly becoming the most dangerous team in the NFL. If I were the Colts I’d be freaking shaking in my boots about what has been happening with the Champs. Just a few weeks ago I said I was encouraged by what I saw in the Chiefs game and people said I was crazy. But that was the beginning of this resurgence. The defense is getting better and better every single week. It shouldn’t be surprising that the more they have gotten to play together the better they have become. And the scary thing is that they are making huge improvements every single game. In fact, it’s starting to remind me an awful lot of last year’s defense. Just look at what we did to the Bills yesterday. Let’s not forget that we couldn’t stop them just a month ago and yesterday we made them look like a Pop Warner team. And on the offensive side of the ball, the fact that we got half our starters back last week is now making a huge difference. Corey Dillon looked great yesterday and you can’t underestimate how important Kevin Faulk is. Just look at what happened when Brady threw to Mike Cloud. On top of all this we still have the best QB and coach in the game. I’m telling you right now that this team is going to be just about the most dangerous team in the playoffs. In fact I like our chances vs. the Colts in Indy. I really do. We shut down the Colts last year with a makeshift secondary and we can do it again. Just look what Belichick is doing now that he’s had the same guys for more than 2 weeks in a row.
24. I’ve watched Survivor from beginning to end this year and I was dumbfounded by Rafe’s decision to release Danny from her promise to take him to the final two yesterday. This was “Bradford 101” You NEVER EVER put yourself back in the board room when you don’t have to be there. It’s clear he didn’t do his reality TV homework because the Donald already showed what can happen when you give up immunity. The only thing I can think is that Rafe was convinced that Danny would still take him and it would make him look like a hero and provide his only shot to win a million bucks. But the bottom line is that he cost himself 100,000 dollars at a minimum. And I think Danny 100% made the right decision to take Stephanie to the final two. It was an absolute no brainer. My only problem with Danny was that she possibly looked uglier in the reunion show than she did when she was starving to death.
Reader Email
Email #1
Love the Stool, but I have a few points of contention- 1. Michael Irvin's pipe had pot in it, not crack. Some will say that it’s a matter of semantics, but I would argue there's a big difference. I don't like the guy, but apparently neither does the media, since they invented the crack charge based on his past history. I would say check out the police report on the smoking gun, but it seems you already did, and failed to notice this small detail. 2. You (and your dad) need to learn that there is only one "s" in "Charlie Weis". And I agree that the snot is bad, but the white crust on the sides of his mouth bothers me a little bit more. You are spot on with the Discovery Channel - especially in HD. And when the Playmaker brings his special Versace sunglass case over, forget about it.
Jimmy in Southie
Great email. You bring up a valid point about Irvin’s pipe having pot in it and not crack. To be honest I just got lazy. The first time I heard the story I heard it was crack. Then I read the smoking gun and was disappointed to see that he only got busted with pot. I liked the crack version more and since everybody else was saying crack, I kept it. It is very shady journalism on my part because there is a huge difference.
Email #2
The Simpsons has a good Arby's joke in the episode when all the kids are stranded on an island like in Lord of the Flies, and either Sherri or Terri says, "I'm so hungry, I could eat at Arby's," and everyone else starts mumbling stuff like, "oh my god." I've always loved that joke. Also, I heard a rumor that Girl A knocked her left eye out with one of her huge boobs, which is why it's covered with hair. Can you confirm that?
t’s a hilarious Simpsons story. I don’t remember it at all. And no girl A still has both her eyes but she does have large boobs.