Random Thoughts
1. A 15-year-old boy who pinched and twisted the nipples of a 13-year-old boy has been sentenced to three days of community service for harassment. David Thumler, 15, said the "titty-twister" was just horseplay. The mother of 13-year-old Matthew Cox counters that the incident was humiliating for her son, who saw it as an assault from an older, bigger bully. "They're not friends," she said. "If he was my son's friend, it would be a different thing," said Bobby Cox. In addition to the community service, Thumler has been ordered to pay a $67 fine and the misdemeanor has been placed on his permanent record. He can request to have it removed when he turns 18. Ken Chapman, a Jackson County juvenile probation supervisor, said Oregon law defines physical harassment as "offensive physical touching." That includes such adolescent antics such as "wet-willies," "wedgies," "swirlies," "noogies" and all other forms of "Three Stooges" behavior, Chapman said.
Okay, this story brings up the debate of what is the most painful of the Three Stooges behaviors; wet willies, wedgies, swirlies, noogies or titty twisters. Just to be clear, the question at hand is if you had to endure any of these assaults how would your rank them from easiest to hardest. The first thing I’d choose is a no brainer. It has to be a wet willie. I hate wet willies but they don’t hurt at all. They just feel gross. Second has to be the Swirlie. I’m not sure there is any physical pain involved in a swirlie. It’s more of an emotional thing. Nobody wants to get their head stuck in the toilet and have it flushed. But the bottom line is that once it’s over you’re only left with emotional scars, wet hair and nothing else. The remaining three options are much tougher to differentiate. I think I’d go with a wedgie next. And this is just because I feel like you can sort of defend yourself against a wedgie. As long as you fight and squirm you should be able to prevent an atomic wedgie. But if it did become an atomic wedgie then all bets are off because that is a whole different discussion. The second to last choice would have to be the titty twister. I don’t think there is too much you can do to defend yourself against a titty twister. It’s like robbing a bank. It happens so fast you don’t even know what happened but it does hurt like hell. That leaves us with the noogie. Noogies kill. And the problem with a noogie is that if somebody gets you in a headlock they can noogie you to death. Also, as far as I know the noogie is the only one of these options which has been used in a real fight when Nolan Ryan slapped it on Robin Ventura. That’s a good enough reason right there for me to pick the noogie as the most violent and painful of the Three Stoogies attacks.
2. A couple of weeks ago I wrote a random thought about how I didn’t realize how hot Gwen Stefani’s “Bananas” song was. Well today I’m here to declare that my new hot song is “Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me. Don’t you wish you girlfriend was a freak like me” I don’t know when it happened but somewhere along the way I became addicted to it. I don’t think this is a song I want to be singing when I’m driving with the First Lady, but you’d better believe I blast it in my Astrovan during my paper route.
3. SEOUL, South Korea (AP) - A 28-year-old South Korean man died of exhaustion in an Internet cafe after playing computer games non-stop for 49 hours, South Korean police said Wednesday. Lee, a resident in the southern city of Taegu who was identified only by his last name, collapsed Friday after having eaten minimally and not sleeping, refusing to leave his keyboard while he played the battle simulation game Starcraft. I have no sympathy for this guy. I know for a fact that I’ve played 72 straight hours of Baseball Stars before without dying. This guy has clearly never heard of pixie sticks or lik-m-aid. All you got to do is dump that shit down your throat and you’ll be on a natural sugar high for a week.
4. Here is a hypothetical question for you. Would you trade lives with Rafael Palmeiro right now? Basically would all his money be worth all the shame that comes with it? Is millions of dollars worth the price of being a public disgrace? Personally, I’d make this trade in a heartbeat. I don’t need people to respect me. If somebody wanted to make fun of me in public I’d crumple up a 100 dollar bill and toss it in their face Million Dollar Man style. Am I the only one who feels this way? If I had to guess I’d say that 99% of America would gladly make that trade.
5. This next story may be the most depressing piece of news I’ve ever heard. According to a survey by TV Guide and Bravo, Clay Aiken is the most beloved reality TV star of all time (35 percent), barely edging out fellow American Idol Kelly Clarkson (34 percent). This is a direct slap in the face to me because of my allegiance to reality TV. This means my president is Clay Aiken. If I were an enemy of the Stool I’d constantly be throwing this poll in my face anytime I bring up reality TV. Here in no particular order are my favorite reality TV stars of all time; Rudy from Survivor, Kelly Clarkson, Jordis from Rockstar INXS, Sam from the original Apprentice, Boston Rob, Bollo the wrestler from the Amazing Race, Charla the midget from the Amazing Race and John Gulager from Project Greenlight. Clay Aiken would be on my most hated list.
6. Last week on the Barstool Sports Radio show we had a caller talk about how he won a trip to the Playboy Mansion. Apparently when you arrive at the Mansion they tell you to do “whatever feels good.” This is now my catch phrase at all Barstool Sports photo shoots. It’s almost like “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” or “Gentleman Start Your Engines”. When El Presidente says “Do Whatever Feels Good”, the clothes come off and the modeling begins.
7. Does anybody get in more trouble with the law for a wider array of infractions than Mike Tyson? Apparently Iron Mike was fined $300 bucks last week for riding a jet ski too close to the shore and for riding without a helmet on the Italian Island of Capri. Poor Iron Mike. It doesn’t matter whether he is assaulting beauty queens, hoarding pigeons or riding jet skis without a helmet, the law is always there to take him down. It’s almost like he has his own detail of cops following him around at all times. As a side note, how did he afford to take a vacation to Italy? I thought he owed the IRS like 300 million dollars or something. I’m not in that much debt and the nicest vacation I can afford is a two day trip to Saratoga.
8. According to the New York Daily News Paris Hilton has traded her dog Tinkerbell in for a newer, more petite dog called Bambi. “(Paris) only likes them when they're very small, and Tinkerbell got too big,'' a friend explained to New York magazine. If this isn’t the most disgusting story in the history of Barstool Sports I don’t know what is. How can you trade a dog in because it got too big? Cats I can understand because they suck, but dogs? I’d love to say that I’m going to boycott The Simple Life because of this but El Presidente doesn’t make promises he knows he can’t keep.
9. It’s Little League World Series time again! You know what this means right? Uncontrollable crying fits on the mound, parents freaking out in the stands and braces everywhere. I’ll admit it; I love the Little League World Series. My only complaint with Little League Baseball is that the “Federation” needs to eliminate the rule where everybody needs to play in an All Star game. This didn’t exist when I was in Little League. Everybody knows the All Stars isn’t about sportsmanship and hurt feelings. The All Stars is about winning and that’s it. I’m sick of living in this politically correct society. If little Johnny can’t crack the starting lineup then Little Johnny rides the pine. End of story.
10. I’m sticking with the Little League World Series for a minute. In all my years of watching this event I’m not sure I’ve ever rooted for a team more than Florida. And it has nothing to do with baseball. Instead it has to do with the fact that Marianna Bichette (wife of Dante Bichette and mother of Dante Bichette Jr) is clearly the hottest MILF in the history of Little League Baseball. Any time young Dante does something good, the cameras spend about 10 minutes watching Marianna celebrate, which is fine by me. I actually feel bad for the other mothers on the Florida team. She makes them all look sickly by comparison. I think if I were another parent on the Florida team I wouldn’t even sit near her because it’s too demoralizing for your self esteem.
11. Everything is starting to fall into place for the Sox. It has been announced that Curt Schilling is going back into the starting rotation. This is a decision that had to be made. The Red Sox had no chance to defend their World Series title without him at the top of the rotation. Now the next key is for Keith Foulke to return to the closer role. I like Mike Timlin as much as the next guy but I simply don’t trust him closing games. If both Schilling and Foulke can be 85% of what they are when healthy, I’d say the Sox are the favorites to win the World Series this year. It’ll also be interesting to see how the Sox use John Papelbon in the post season. It’s becoming increasingly apparent that this guy is the real deal and should play a big role in the Sox rotation the rest of the way. I just can’t decide whether he should be a playoff starter of a long relief man. Right now I’m leaning towards him being the #3 starter.
12. A rush to purchase $50 used laptops turned into a violent stampede last Tuesday, with people getting thrown to the pavement, beaten with a folding chair and nearly driven over. One woman went so far to wet herself rather than surrender her place in line. No word yet on whether UConn basketball players were involved in this laptop giveaway. Regardless, the story about a woman pissing herself so she wouldn’t lose her spot in line made me think about the most important lines I’ve ever stood in. I think it’d have to be the Pats/Steelers playoff ticket line the year the Pats lost to Green Bay in the Superbowl. I waited from midnight until 1pm the next day in sub-artic temperatures. And it was a nasty crowd. One guy passed out an hour before the ticket office opened and the crowd chanted “Na, Na, Na, Na, - Na, Na, Na, Na Hey, Hey, Hey, Good Bye” as he was being taken away in a stretcher. True Story.
13. Livan Hernandez tossed his glove into the stands in disgust after a poor outing on August 5th. The fan who caught the glove is now holding it ransom. The fan has asked for a package that includes season tickets for 2006, playoff tickets for this year and $18,000 for it’s safe return. You’ve got to admire the balls on this guy. If this lunatic gets 18 large for Hernandez’s glove I’m going to put Barstool Sports on eBay fro 7.3 million dollars.
14. In many ways The Amazing Race is like the New England Patriots. Year in and year out, both are the best at what they do. And they both don’t sit on their laurels and let the competition catch them. The Pats win a superbowl and go out and sign Rodney Harrison or Corey Dillon. The Amazing Race gets great ratings and brings in midgets and Boston Rob for the next year. And now CBS has revealed that they will feature families on the next season of the Amazing Race. This is a brilliant idea and once again proves why The Amazing Race is the New England Patriots of reality TV.
15. Speaking of the Patriots, Tom Brady is on the cover of the latest GQ. Brady is making headlines for telling the magazine that he hates his Golden Boy image. Brady insists that he is just a typical dude in that he drinks and surfs the net for porn like everybody else. Earth to Tom, you are the definition of a golden boy. There’s nothing wrong with that, but when you’re the best QB in the NFL, the best looking dude in the NFL, and you date Hollywood actresses, that makes you a golden boy. It’s nothing to apologize for. After all would you rather be accused of being a Golden Boy or looking like Peyton Manning?
16. MALIBU, Calif. -- A photographer was shot in the leg with a BB gun outside a home where he believed Britney Spears was attending a bridal shower Saturday evening, authorities said. The photographer, identified as Brad Diaz, was about 200 yards from the home outside the home's long driveway when he was hit, Smith said. He was one of about 10 photographers standing in the street. Hmm, I have no problem with this. If you are part of the paparazzi and you’re lurking outside somebody’s house I think you’re fair game to be shot at. I know if somebody was staring in at my window I’d shoot him with a BB gun too. Of course I live in Allston and not Malibu, but my ruling stands.
17. BRONSON ARROYO has tentative plans to play a few songs from his new CD, “Covering The Bases,'' for the cast of ABC's “Desperate Housewives'' at Sonny McLean's pub in Santa Monica during the Sox' next West Coast trip on Aug. 20. This makes no sense to me on any level.
18. The Jets signed Ty Law. Am I the only one that is comforted by this move? I’ll admit that a few years ago I used to worry just a bit when former key Patriots would end up on a division rival after a tumultuous split, but not anymore. Now I just laugh about it. I think it’s amusing watching division rivals and Ron Borges pick up our scraps. I’m not going to sit here and diminish anything that Ty Law did while he was here or how important he was, but I did get a kick out of the reason why he said he joined the Jets. According to Law the Jets are “on the verge of doing something very special, and that's why I wanted to join them." Hmm, and I would have thought the opportunity to be on the first team in the history of the NFL to win 3 straight superbowls would have qualified as something special? Crazy me. Anyway, the bottom-line is that if Bill Belichick thought we needed him to win the superbowl this year he would have found a way to keep him.
Reader Email
Email #1
Hey Prez: In regards to you thinking the South Shore sucks without "real" reasons makes you sound like those friggin morons/jerks/etc who chant "Yankees Sucks" at every Sox game (or even Pats/Bruins/Celts game for chrissakes) regardless of opponent or city. That includes some assholes chanting it in Wrigley Stadium so we look like REAL losers to other parts of the country. The fact is that a little knowledge can be either dangerous or scary to some people and you have managed to be both dangerous without knowledge and yet scared to find out that there is a world below the Tobin Bridge and Mass Pike (besides your Mary-Lou's reference). The fact is that starting with both owning Bacteria infested beaches (Revere vs. Wollaston), then going to both having snotty, rich areas (Manchester-by-the-sea vs. Hingham), and continuing to onto both having traffic issues up the wazoo, maybe the fact is MA is pretty interesting and/or frustrating no matter where you are. No,can we get back to some important stuff---like photos of Dennis' daughter or the real story of the "married" guys like Arroyo, Millar, Nixon (and even Gary Williams), and who the T&A is in the photos you have shown
Do I get any bonus points for admitting I’m not really sure why I hate the South Shore? I feel like most people who hate stuff usually won’t admit that they have no justifiable reason for their hatred. In a way I think that makes me a hero.
Email #2
As a life long South Shore guy I would like you to expand on reasons why the South Shore sucks. I know you said you do not really know why but I think you can do better than that. There must be specific things or incidents that happened to you down here to give you that impression. I am not particularly fond of the North Shore but it is probably just because I have never worked there, lived there or had many friends there. Let's hear the reasons for your distain for the South. Ask your boy the quiet man from the radio show - I believe he is from the great south shore town of Westwood.
I think I don’t like the South Shore for the same reasons you don’t like the North Shore. I’ve never lived, worked or had many friends from there. Furthermore, it seems like I’m always in the crappy parts of the South Shore. I don’t like how North Shore people have to pay a toll to get into the city and the South Shore doesn’t. It’s bullsh-t. Speaking of the quiet man, I know that Elio grew up betting on the dogs at Raynham while I was betting the horses at Suffolk Downs. Point for the North Shore. I also like how the North Shore is closer to Maine and New Hampshire while the South Shore is closer to CT and New York.
Email #3
Was sitting and reading the recent issue of the Stool on the Red line between Park and Alewife yesterday when I noticed two 20 something, mildly attractive women looking at me, laughing while whispering to each other. Immediately I wonder if I have something wrong with me (ie, fly open while going commando, something random on my face) but finally I realize what they thought was so amusing was the Meet the Models photo montage in full view for them to review as I read "Thank God for the D-Rays" on the back side. I display the Stool proudly and screw the perception of being labeled as a perv by a couple of 6's who are just jealous of Arielle and the way she works a crawl on the bar top. Another solid issue this week, as usual.
Ando
Reading Barstool doesn’t make you or anybody else a pervert. I love how Maxim is acceptable but we’re not. I love how the Phoenix and Weekly Dig which both are porn magazines are acceptable, but we’re trash. It’s a double standard that we need to fight against on a daily basis. Because if we’re not going to stand up for our rights then nobody will. People are lucky we don’t go totally nude on their asses.