Random Thoughts
1. Peter King’s MMQB - Last week, Manning sent me this e-mail: “Peter, wondering if you could do me a favor. This twitter, facebook, myspace is a problem for guys like me, Eli [Manning], (see about Ben R. and Cutler). Eli and I do not have a twitter or facebook or myspace account or page. Yet there are imposters out there acting like us. The people at twitter and facebook can’t stop it. Our representatives contact them, and they may take it down for a day, but then it pops back up. If you could put something in your MMQB that these pages for me and Eli are not real, it would be a big help. The more people that know that these are phonies, the better for me, Eli, and whoever. It’s just unbelievable that someone could do this and the people at twitter and facebook can allow it. Who knows what these people are posting on the pages is the scary thing. Anything you can do to bring light to it would be great. Thanks, PM.”
I’m beginning to think we can turn this into a regular feature here at the Stool. “What’s Peyton Manning Whining About This Week?” Jeez, you’d think the reigning NFL MVP and the guy who leads the league every season in getting his ass kissed wouldn’t get so worked up over someone goofing on him with a fake Twitter account. I mean, doesn’t a little harmless satire come with the territory? Isn’t it a “price of fame” thing? Like Homer Simpson said “If celebrities didn’t want us pawing through their garbage and saying they’re gay, they never should have tried to express themselves creatively.” Some guys can take it, some guys can’t. Do Peyton and Eli think Tom Brady hasn’t been a staple of late night talk show monologues for a couple of years now? Or that someone set up a website, “tonyhomo.com” which is supposed to be written by Drew Bledsoe? Do you hear those guys bitching? No. They’ve got bigger fish to fry. The sad irony here is that the fake Peyton Twitter page (“Wow Slumdog Millionaire got 8 Oscars!“) is more entertaining than anything either Manning brother has ever said on their own. But I think the real reason Manning is all pissed off about it is the obvious one. Because he’s not making a buck off it. How else can you explain two guys being morally offended by this, but they’ve got no problem having an Oreo licking contest?
2. A Peoria man accused of hitting a 12-year-old boy with a golf club in Goodyear has been charged with aggravated assault. The Maricopa County Attorney’s Office filed the Class 6 felony charge against Nathan Moore, 37, on Monday, according to court documents. He was arrested March 1 at the Golf Club of Estrella. Goodyear police said Moore got into an argument with a child near hole No. 15, picked up the boy by the neck and crotch and threw him into a bush. He then hit the child in the leg with a golf club and went back to playing, police said. Moore denied the allegations and said the boy was stealing golf balls, police said. He admitted to police he had been drinking alcohol while on the course.
Nathan Moore has the right to remain silent. Apparently though he lacks the capacity. This is why you keep your trap shut when you get arrested for anything. Now that he shot his mouth off, Moore took away his only defense. Because if I was his lawyer, I’d advise him to say “You’re goddamned right the kid stole my ball. I was shooting a 68 through 14 holes, so I was on pace to break 80. I striped my drive at 15, and this little shitsack runs out onto the fairway and grabs my ball. So I had two choices. Either take a 2-stroke lost ball penalty and go back to the tee lying 3, or thrash the punk within an inch of his life, get my $5 ProV1 back and play it where it falls out of his pocket. So yeah, I threw the kid into the bushes and clubbed him and I’d do it again.” Get me one golfer in that jury room and I’ll have an acquittal, I promise you that. The bottom line is whatever that kid was doing, he’ll never do it again, and Nathan Moore is a bone fide links hero. Free Nathan Moore! Free Nathan Moore
3. PATERSON — A civil jury awarded a Wayne man $95,500 — plus almost $20,000 for medical expenses — in a lawsuit he filed against his mother for tapping him on the shoulder as he used a power saw, which caused him to flinch and cut off his pinky finger. In 2006, John P. Garrity was installing hardwood floors for his mother, Nancy, when the accident occurred, according to court papers. While working with a miter saw in her garage, Nancy came up behind John and tapped him on his right shoulder. In depositions, John Garrity said that when he quickly turned around, his finger slipped into the saw’s path and severed his pinky.In its verdict, the jury in State Superior Court said that each party was 50 percent at fault for the accident, which means that John Garrity receives half of a $191,000 award and half of $37,000 in medical bills.Nancy Garrity, according to court documents, said she was letting her son know it was time for lunch. During depositions, John Garrity, who describes himself as a contractor, said that he jumped when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He said he was unsure whether he depressed a button to turn off the machine, but somehow the blade kept spinning.
See this is why I never do anything to help my mom. You need help moving something mom? Hire a moving company. You need a ride to the airport? Call a cab. You need somebody to talk to? Call a fucking 900 number. It’s like friends and money. Some things just don’t mix and helping your mother with chores and shit is one of them. So while everybody knows the universal sign to let somebody know lunch is ready when they’re using a power saw is to flick the lights on and off, I still wouldn’t have given this guy a dime. It’s his fault for trying to help his mother in the first place. Shame on him. But I guess that’s what you get with self described contractors.
4. See this is what makes me a four tool blogger. Where else can you get sports, Smut, American Idol and fashion advice all in one place except the Stool? I got it all. So let’s get right into it. Skinny ties are hot right now. How do I know that? Because I fucking started the trend myself at a wedding I went to last week. I’m not going to lie. I was a little nervous going in, but I swear bitches were like passing out and shit when I walked by them. I think the band even played the “Hansel so hot right now Hansel” music a couple times for me. Now I know what you’re thinking. Who the fuck cares what you wore? That doesn’t make it a trend. Well let’s just say that only days after rocking this look every single motherfucker at the MTV music awards went skinny tie. Coincidence? I think not. So laugh it up if you want, but if you want chicks drooling over your junk then the skinny tie is where it’s at. Just trying to help people get laid that’s all.
5. Dailybreeze - Professional skateboarder Jereme Rogers said Wednesday he was sorry for disturbing his Redondo Beach neighbors this week when he “ate some `mushrooms’ and bugged out,” preaching naked on his rooftop. Rogers, a high school dropout who attributes his skateboarding skills to God, was eventually grabbed by police officers and brought down from his precarious perch. “It obviously was not an everyday experience,” the 24-year-old athlete said. “It was a very out-of-body experience. I’ve never had an experience like that.” “It was obviously something I shouldn’t have done,” Rogers said as he rolled a marijuana joint in his bedroom. “It was just something that happened.” “I literally was walking on the edge,” he said. “They said my balance was amazing.” Rogers, a native of Boston, was voted TransWorld Skateboarding’s 2006 Rookie of the Year. His sponsors include Billabong, DVS, Royal Diamond, Modern Wheels, Monster Energy Drink and Boost Mobile, according to a profile on about.com’s skateboarding page. The article said Rogers dropped out of high school to pursue skateboarding, and is a very outspoken Christian. “In interviews he has no problem talking about how he got his skill in skateboarding from God, and then dropping an F-bomb. Jereme Rogers has a clean image and is a role model to skaters all over the planet.” Rogers did not smoke the joint in front of a reporter. He said it is well known among his fans that he is a user. “Yeah, I’m rolling weed,” he said. “I have a medical card. I’m a weed smoker.”
Do me a favor and Cue the motherfucking duckboats already! Yup yet another world championship for Boston. I tell you it’s just one fucking thing after another around here. World Series, Superbowls, Cup Stacking, Jeopardy and now skateboarding….Wait a minute. What did this article say? This dude bugged on shrooms and got arrested for preaching naked on his rooftop? Are we sure he didn’t win the X Games or something? Ok never mind then. I guess I just got ahead of myself. When I saw this guy was from Boston I just assumed he won some type of World Championship or something. My bad. On the bright side though he is a great Christian. That’s got to count for something right?
6. So the countdown for my wedding is officially on. I’m looking at 4 months until Dday. Don’t worry ladies, just because I’m married doesn’t mean I can’t still hook up. Anyway one of the big questions left is what should our first song be. Just as a heads up I take this shit very seriously. I feel like it sets the whole tone for the wedding. The First Lady can do whatever she wants with the rest of this shindig, but I’m going to have a big hand in picking the song. I’m a firm believer that you need to break something out that nobody’s ever heard used as a first song before. Originally I was leaning toward Adam Lambert’s version of Mad World, but the First Lady used one of her 3 vetoes on it. She said something about the lyrics being depressing and she didn’t want me thinking of Adam instead of her during the first song. Selfish if you ask me, but now I’m seriously looking into India Arie “Can I Walk With You”. Fucking brilliant right? (If you steal this song for your wedding I just ask you give the Stool a shout out beforehand)
But here is the problem with trying to pick a lesser known song like this. The odds are that your band won’t know it and while most are open to trying to learn a new song it doesn’t always fall in their range. For example I went to a wedding this weekend and the first song was “How Sweet It Is” by James Taylor. Great song and it was a great band, but it just sounded totally different. So here is my question. For the first song are you better off just plugging in an IPod and playing it through your band’s PA system? My band said this works great, but is it lame? Right now I’m leaning heavily towards using the Ipod, but I’m curious what the Stoolies think?
7. Newswebindia - Busty volleyball star Alena Schurkova is urging tennis ace Simona Halep not to reduce her boobs as it may send the wrong message. Romanian-born Simona, who has 34DD breasts, has announced that she intends to have surgery to make her bust smaller in the autumn. However, Alena, who was seeded South Africa’s top volleyball player at one time, says Simona can be just as good a tennis player with her bigger assets. “If she does this it sends out the message that girls with big boobs can’t play sports and that is just wrong,” the Sun quoted her as saying. “I am 32E and I have never found them to be a problem. “To be honest I wouldn’t mind having bigger boobs. I could be double what I have and I would still be OK to perform.”I do a lot more explosive movements than her, throwing myself around on the beach volleyball court, so I don’t really understand the argument that it’s restrictive having bigger breasts. “I use a really good support bra, and that’s really all you need,” she added. (ANI)
Anyway onto this story. Listen I like boobs as much as the next guy. But I’m calling bullshit on Alena Schurkova. I mean how is it possible that I couldn’t find one good picture of this bitch on the Internet? I mean you’re telling me she was South Africa’s top volleyball player and she had 32E boobs, which is like impossible, and there isn’t one picture of her on the Net? Cmon! So if people want to debate whether Simona Halep should get a boob reduction that’s fine by me. But let’s not take the advice of some phantom volleyball player who claims she was a 32E because that doesn’t exist in the porn industry or the volleyball industry. Plus I fundamentally disagree with her argument anyway. Chicks with big boobs shouldn’t play sports. They should be cheerleaders who only care about fucking not about trying to make Varsity.
8. Boston.com - At least two students from a Newton middle school were involved in exchanging suggestive photographs via text message, prompting administrators to hold an assembly last month to discuss the dangers of “sexting.” The story broke in the latest edition of The Daytime, a student newspaper at the FA Day Middle School, and was confirmed Tuesday by school officials in Newton. Principal Gina Healy said she made the rules and laws regarding sexting clear to the students in the assembly. The distribution of pornographic images to minors, as well as the possession of these pictures is against the law. The Daytime reported that “As shocking as it may seem, a small number of 8th grade students here at Day have sent nude photographs via cell phone to their classmates. Once classmates received these messages, some continued to transmit them.” A Globe reporter asked the principal if that paragraph of the article was accurate, and she said it was.
God Damn It! Did we really just get scooped by The Daytime? I mean what the fuck am I paying my writers for if they can’t even beat a bunch of pimple faced 8th graders to a story. Every fucking day when Manzo, Jerry and UB walk into the office the first thing I ask them is whether there are any sexting stories we should be on top of. Everyday it’s the same answer. “No boss.” And then I have to pick up a copy of the The Newtown Middle School Daytime and see one splashed across the front page. It sucks and it stinks and it sucks. How can we expect to compete with the ESPN’s and CNN’s of the world when we can’t even beat the The Daytime to a big story. You fucking think it’s easy being me? Think again.
9. FOXBOROUGH – Rodney Harrison is going from the NFL to NBC…. [T]he 36-year-old … is retiring after 15 seasons — the last six with the Patriots — to pursue a broadcast career as part of NBC Sports’ NFL coverage. NBC carries the NFL’s Sunday Night Football package. The move was expected. Harrison was part of NBC’s coverage of Super Bowl XLIII in February and also did work for the NFL Network during the playoffs. His contract with the Patriots expired after the 2008 season. Harrison joined the Patriots in 2003 and won a pair of Super Bowl rings. A two-time Pro Bowler, he is the only player in NFL history with more than 30 sacks (30.5) and 30 interceptions (34)… Harrison, who always has been as blunt with his opinions as he was with his hits, will have no trouble telling it like it is, according to his former teammates. “He’s going to tell you the truth,” said Pierre Woods. “He said it about the quarterback situation in the league. He said it’s becoming a soft league. I don’t try to read into many things, but when Rodney speaks, when certain guys speak, you got to listen to it.”
My first reaction to this news was that this is a sad day. But after further review, it really isn’t. It shouldn’t ever be a bad thing when a guy knows the right time to call it quits, as Rodney is demonstrating here. Anyone who likes football… real football, like your father and grandfather watched, the way it was meant to be played… will miss seeing Rodney play. He was one of the few guys in the game whom you can honestly say he could’ve played in any era, alongside Brian Urlacher, Junior Seau, Mike Singletary, Jack Lambert or Chuck Bednarik. He was a bright, articulate, thoughtful guy who loved smacking people in the mouth as much as he loved reading his keys and outsmarting a quarterback. The people who didn’t have the pleasure of having them on their team will talk about the fines and penalties and the suspension for HGH, but they’re missing the point. Rodney Harrison was exactly the kind of guy you want on your team. Give me 11 Rodney Harrisons and I’ll take my chances against any defense you can put together. And my team will be a lot more fun to root for, I promise you that. Most fans will remember him sealing the deal in the Super Bowl against the Eagles by picking off Donovan McNabb then running up field mocking Terrell Owens’ flapping bird wings thing. But my favorite Rodney moment was about a minute after the Pats won his first Super Bowl against Carolina. He and Belichick hugged, then separated and The Hooded One said “I’m sure glad we signed you” to which Harrison… one of the biggest badasses of his era, said “Thank you. Thank you, Sir,” while the confetti swirled all around his head. One thing is for sure: The Patriots loss is NBC’s gain. Because even Harrison’s harshest, nastiest, most envious critics have to agree with Pierre Woods. When Rodney Harrison speaks, you got to listen to him.
10. Cambridge — A skateboarder allegedly stalked a man in Harvard Square and hit him with his board after observing the man using the women’s room. It all started after a 42-year-old Belmont man told police he used the women’s restroom at Chipotle in Harvard Square because apparently no other restrooms were available. As the man exited the restroom, an unknown white man in his 20s asked him if he had to “take a piss,” according to police reports. The Belmont man allegedly ignored the man and walked out of the restaurant but noticed the man following him. The Belmont man was browsing the magazine rack on the second floor of the Harvard Coop at 1400 Mass. Ave. when he noticed the same man behind him and decided to keep ignoring him. That’s when the suspect allegedly hit the Belmont man on the right shoulder with his skateboard and ran out of the store, according to reports.
Well if I had a nickel for every story that started with “the women’s restroom at Chipotle…” I’d obviously be a rich man. Anyway, this skater dude is an enormous pussy. All the Chipotle customer probably wanted to do was take a shit. A simple shit. I mean that’s no reason to get hit in the shoulder with a skateboard. Sure he used the wrong bathroom but still, I thought skater dudes were all about non-violence? That’s what I’ve been told anyway. Fucking skater dudes… as somebody once said, “Skater dudes are the kids who got cut from the lacrosse team.”
11. COLORADO SPRINGS — A judge Monday sentenced a 21-year-old woman to two years in prison for her role in a bungled murder-for-hire plot in which her boyfriend was accused of trying to have his mother killed. Sophia Nicole Alsept wept as 4th Judicial District Judge David S. Prince ordered her to the jury box until El Paso County sheriff’s deputies came, handcuffed her and led her away. Werner had asked the judge to sentence Alsept to probation, contending she had been the victim of domestic violence committed by her then-boyfriend, Nikita Lee Weis. Weis, 19, was charged with hiring two men to kill his mother so that he could sell her car on the Internet and use the money to pay for Alsept’s rent and a “boob job,” according to the arrest affidavit. “This was a brutal plan,” Werner said of the plot, in which one man dressed in black burst into Hyun Sook Weis’ Fountain home and hit her over the head with a miniature baseball bat. Investigators said their plan had been to wrap her body in plastic and dump her in the desert in New Mexico or Arizona. But Hyun Weis foiled their plan by setting off her car alarm and scaring her attacker away.
They hit this lady over the head with a miniature baseball bat? BHAAHAHAH! Everybody knows when you’re trying to murder your mother to steal her car and sell it on the internet so you can fund your girlfriends boob job you use a regulation baseball bat! How dumb can you be? It’s the first fucking rule in the criminal handbook! Use at least a 34 inch bat. It’s almost like they wanted to be caught! Seriously Freud would have a field day with this one.
12. LA Times - In January, scarcely three months after undergoing a reconstruction of his injured left knee, Tom Brady gave his orthopedic surgeon a gift. It felt like a present to Dr. Neal ElAttrache, anyway… ElAttrache told The Times that Brady “even exceeded what I thought he was going to be able to do, and I was expecting big things from him… With regard to his recovery of strength, I’ve never seen anything quite like it… With an average person, it would have taken probably twice as long to get range of motion and strength back.. Let’s face it, guys that are athletes like him, they’re strung together different. By and large, they follow the same biologic rules as the rest of us. However, they’re able to do things with their neuromuscular control, and their strength gains, and how they respond to exercise a little bit differently.”
So now we’ve got the testimony of a medical expert to confirm what we’ve known all along: Tom Brady isn’t human. He’s super human. And to all his other abilities we can add super regenerative powers too. He’s like Wolverine. He’s Michigan Wolverine. It wouldn’t surprise me at all to hear the good Dr. ElAttrache say that when he cut Brady open he found an Adamantium skeleton and he didn’t need stitches to heal. The one thing the doctor can knock off though is his use of the phrase “athletes like him.” There are no athletes like Tom Brady.
13. CAIRO (June 1) — A 25-year-old Egyptian man cut off his own penis to spite his family after he was refused permission to marry a girl from a lower class family, police reported Sunday. After unsuccessfully petitioning his father for two years to marry the girl, the man heated up a knife and sliced off his reproductive organ, said a police official. The man was rushed to the hospital but doctors were unable to reattach the severed member, the official added citing the police report filed after the incident.
Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face or in this case cutting off your cock to spite your dad huh? I mean lets give this guy the benefit of the doubt and say that his dad was so moved by his son cutting off his junk that he gave him his blessings to marry this poor bitch. Then what? No way this chick is still going to want to marry him. Because I don’t care how deep the love or how poor the girl nobody wants to marry a dickless dude. Nobody. It’s the classic catch 22. Your dad won’t give you his blessing to get married with a working cock but the girl won’t marry you without one either. That’s why if it was me I probably would have moved to a different country before going apeshit on my nuts or I would have just fucked her on the side. But that’s just me.
14. ALBANY, N.Y. (AP) — New York Yankees officials say it would cost taxpayers more than $5 million if the team is forced to provide internal records sought by lawmakers looking into public financing of the club’s new stadium. Assemblymen Richard Brodsky, a Westchester Democrat, and James Brennan, a Brooklyn Democrat, are questioning what Brodsky claims is nearly $4 billion in financing and tax breaks over 30 years that was used to build the new ballpark. The legislators say many ticket prices have been hiked beyond the reach of fans. The Yankees dispute the $4 billion figure for the stadium that cost $1.5 billion to build. …[Yankees CEO Lonn] Trost said Brodsky was “grandstanding.” … Brodsky also claimed the Yankees’ deal appeared to manipulate the tax law and included $1 million to cover free tickets for city officials.
Let’s review. It’s the 1970s. The Yankees are the richest and most profitable team in American sports. They get the New York taxpayer to rebuild the Stadium to make them even richer and more profitable. In the 2000s, they demand an entirely new Stadium so they can be wicked richer and even more mega profitable. And by moving the cups around on the table fast enough the Yankees manage to convince some people that the team is footing the bill, while the taxpayers are merely providing “financing.” And they manage to pull this off in the middle of a crippling recession. Now it turns out when all is said and done, the bill will be closer to $4 billion than the $1.5 billion they’ve been claiming all along. And when the politicians who shake down the working man for this particular Ponzi scheme and (are therefore trusted to follow the money) ask the club to see the books, the Yankees pencil pushers say “Gee, we keep all our records in shoeboxes under the stairs and nothing is labeled so it’ll cost you another $5 million for us to go through it all. ” And to make the whole scheme run smoothly, they set aside a million bucks worth of freebies for the public officials who are supposed to be watchdogs. Brilliant. What a proud moment for the Culture Capital of the World.
Say what you want about John Henry for high ticket prices or selling the naming rights to every section, concourse and urinal in Fenway Park. But at least he’s not getting a nickel of your money unless you hand it over to him voluntarily. And when Boston ran the Big Dig scam, we at least got a quicker trip to the airport and some parks out of the deal. I’ll take those over a half empty boondoggle of a ballpark any day.
15. Blacklabeladultshops - The OhMibod vibrator syncs with the music you are playing on your iPod, computer, CD player, electric guitar or anything that has a normal 3.5mm audio out option like that on your iPod. To increase the intensity of the vibrations simply turn up the volume or change the genre of music you are listening to. This vibrator is 6.5 inches long and just over 1 inch wide and the vibrations run the entire length of its shaft. If you find yourself without your iPod the OhMiBod converts into a conventional vibrator with a variable control on the end cap. It comes with a splitter and a 5 ft freedom cord so you have plenty of room to listen to your music and control your orgasmic pleasure all from your iPod controls.
That whoosh sound you just heard was me rushing to figure out how do to invest in the OhMibod. Seriously this sounds like the best invention since the wheel. My only concern is that if vibrator technology keeps advancing at this rate pretty soon dicks are going to become obsolete. I mean imagine a chick turning on a little Adam Lambert while attached to this thing? She’d have cum flying out of her ear drums. There is just no way a dude you can compete with the Lambert high notes. Just no way. In fact I almost didn’t want to post this blog because I don’t want the First Lady finding about this toy and then comparing it to me. But then I thought about all the single females that read the Stool and I decided they deserve to know. A more selfless act Stoolie Nation has never seen.
16. VIENNA—Austria’s health ministry says traces of cocaine have been found in samples of Red Bull Cola energy drinks. Earlier this month, several German states told retailers to stop selling Red Bull after a sample test by authorities in North Rhine-Westphalia state found 0.4 micrograms per liter in the drink.
I guess Red Bull really does give you wings huh? No wonder all the club people love it. Who doesn’t love coke? It’s a no brainer. Just sell a product and lace it with drugs and people will eat it up. Shame on me for not thinking of this first. I mean I’m sitting here like an idiot trying to carve out an honest living as a smut peddler when I should have been lacing my tshirts with ecstasy the whole fucking time. So stupid.
17. Boston.com - French oarsman Charlie Girard failed for a third time today in his quixotic quest to row to France from Cape Cod. And US taxpayers are $80,000 poorer. That’s the cost of dispatching a Coast Guard jet and helicopter to a 21-foot, custom-designed rowboat bobbing 150 miles off Cape Cod, where Girard called it quits 10 days into his latest, aborted adventure. Fearful and cold, Girard used a satellite phone to place an 8:25 a.m. distress call to the Coast Guard in Boston. “I can’t do anything,” Girard, 28, said in a weak, breaking voice. “I’m cold, and I don’t know what to do.” Although this wasn’t the first time Girard had abandoned his goal of breaking the 62-day record set in 2004, it was the most expensive. In 2007, Girard rowed only three hours from Orleans before he noticed that several gallons of water had leaked into his boat. His trip ended ignominiously when he was towed to shore by the harbormaster. Two days later, he left again and traveled 50 miles over two days before being rescued by the Coast Guard.
Not this fucking guy again! Can you believe this is the 3rd fucking time I’ve blogged about this Frenchman trying to sail from Cape Cod to France since I started the Stool? Hey asshole how about starting from your own fucking country next time? Let them deal with your sorry ass. I honestly don’t know what else is left to say about this idiot? If I saw him walking down the street I’d stick a pen in his jugular. That’s how much I despise him. But to be honest I’m beginning to wonder who is dumber him or us? I mean how many times are we going to bail him out? Or are we just going to keep doing this routine over and over and over again and keep having MA taxpayers foot the bill? That seems fair right? Maybe I could stomach it if he at least came close or something, but this buffoon starts calling 911 before he even leaves the shoreline. When is enough enough? Seriously if we don’t get reimbursed for the 80K that it cost for us to save this guy the 90th time then every politician in this state should be fired no questions asked. Either let him die or throw his ass in jail until he pays us back double. End of story. The French wouldn’t save an American who was being attacked by a Great White never mind some pussy who starts crying before the trip even begins so why are we?
18. ORLANDO, Fla. – LeBron James walked off the court, head down, brushing off a few pieces of confetti. He ignored the few taunts by Magic fans and took one last look at the crowd without muttering a word. Not to anyone. A scintillating series by the NBA’s MVP was washed away by his not-so-supporting cast, as the Cleveland Cavaliers were eliminated Saturday night with a 103-90 loss to the Orlando Magic in Game 6 of the Eastern Conference finals. James dressed quickly in the locker room, put on headphones and went to the team bus without talking to reporters
So let me get this straight. Lebron James is okay with Nike, Vitamin Water and about a billion other companies running commercials every two seconds featuring his ass . He’s cool with ESPN doing nightly documentaries on his latest trick shots, what he had for dinner or the size of his last shit. He’s had no problem dancing, celebrating and pretty much being everywhere all at once since the NBA season started and raking in millions of dollars in endorsement deals in the process But the second his team gets eliminated from the Playoffs he suddenly gets camera shy and tucks tail without even talking to the media? What a fucking fraud! Listen you can’t have your cake and eat it dude. You want to participate in all these Kobe vs. Lebron NBA Finals commercials? Then be a man and step to the podium when you get your ass kicked like you always seem to do in the playoffs. Nobody respects a baby. Nobody.
PS - I know LeBron talked the next day. Give him a fucking cookie.
19. Bandera, TX - Earlier this year three freshman cheerleaders broke into the gym locker of another cheerleader. According to the account of several students and their parents, one of the cheerleaders filled a sock with her feces and then spread it inside of the locker, ruining clothes and other contents. The victim’s parents elected not to pursue criminal charges so long as the district disciplined the girls responsible for the vandalism appropriately. The trio reportedly received 10 days of In School Suspension (ISS) and was ejected from the cheerleading squad for the remainder of the year. In accordance with the Bandera High School Cheerleading Constitution, which both students and parents must sign, any cheerleader removed from the squad due to disciplinary action may be non-eligible to tryout the next year. Although it seems cut and dry, the story grows more complicated. During this year’s tryouts for the 2009-10 cheerleading squads, four girls who tried out for and won a coveted spot reportedly had unrelated disciplinary action in their school records. Unhappy with the perceived inconsistency, at least one of the parents of the three excluded cheerleaders filed a grievance with Bandera ISD. As a result, a second tryout has been scheduled…
Kudos to the Bandera School System because they’ve demonstrated the wisdom of Solomon on this one. Because once you start down the path of who did what to whom and who smeared crap in whose locker, you’ll find you’re on a slippery slope. Because no one in the world of high school cheerleading is entirely pure, and let ye who is without sin cast the first shit-filled sock. People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw feces. Ultimately the job of a school system isn’t to try to walk the path of righteousness, it’s to field the best cheer squad possible. Cheering is a meritocracy, not a place for righting past injustices. If this chick wants to make the squad, it should be because she’s a good cheerleader, period. Once you start putting girls on there for some other reason… like they can’t handle a little poop on their clothes… then the whole foundation of Texas cheerleading will crumble.
20. EL PASO, Texas—What do you call a high-five that misses? Many would just call it awkward, but an El Paso school principal calls it assault. The misfire came last week when schools superintendent Lorenzo Garcia was giving principals high-fives while celebrating state test scores. When Garcia came to Barron Elementary School principal Mary Helen Lechuga and she didn’t raise her hand, he tapped her on the head instead. But Lechuga — a former district administrator who was recently demoted — filed a police complaint saying she felt pain and feared what he might do next. Garcia said she’s a disgruntled employee and her complaint is petty.
Um, Newsflash to Texas: Everybody does chest-bumps now when they celebrate test scores. Wake up over there. Now this woman is obviously insane for filing the complaint, but to be fair, the superintendent is higher on the totem pole than the principal. If he was chest-bumping everybody all the way down the line like he was supposed to, the woman obviously would’ve known what was coming. In other words there wouldn’t have been any confusion. It would’ve just been chest-bump after chest-bump and everybody would’ve gone home happy. Anyway as somebody once said, it’s just Texas being Texas.