from the May 13, 2009 issue

Random Thoughts

1. Orlando Sentinel - Let the drama begin. Orlando Magic fan Ernest Provetti is demanding an apology from Glen “Big Baby” Davis after the Celtics’ thrilling Game 4 win in Orlando Sunday. Why exactly? Provetti said Davis shoved his 12-year-old son Nicholas with such force after Davis made a game-winning jumper, that Nicholas’ baseball cap catapulted into the air and his son dove into his courtside seat. Provetti sent an e-mail to the NBA League office this morning. He said Davis crossed the line, literally, and embarrassed his son. “The NBA makes it clear to not cross the sideline,” he said in a telephone interview. “If I cross that line, the NBA will take away my tickets. It’s a double standard.” In the e-mail, Provetti said Davis conducted himself like a “raging animal with no regard for fans’ personal safety.” Provetti moved to Orlando from New Jersey last year and is opening another branch to his toy company, Team Trinity. He was previously a fan of the Celtics because he watched Boston Celtics coach Doc Rivers as a former player for the New York Knicks from 1992-94. Provetti saw the video clip online this morning. He did not think it was funny. “How do you like to be a 12-year-old and see a raging lunatic coming at you?”

HAHA! Is this not the most pathetic thing you’ve ever heard of in your life? Hey fat kid wake up! Don’t sit in the front row like an asshole when Big Baby is coming through. And don’t blame us that the Celtics gave you and your precious little “Beat Boston” shirt a facial. Just chalk it up to a life lesson. Because the sooner you realize that Boston rules and you suck the better off you’ll be. So go home, shut up, lay off the ding dongs and cry in your pillow like the little pussy you are because this series is over. Bottom line is that if anybody deserves an apology here it’s me for having to read this garbage.

PS - Free Barstool hat to anybody who can make sense of this quote;

He was previously a fan of the Celtics because he watched Boston Celtics coach Doc Rivers as a former player for the New York Knicks from 1992-94.

2. SALEM, Ore. - A Salem man accused of using a dog shock collar on his four children is facing criminal mistreatment charges. Todd Marcum, 41, was arrested Tuesday and his children (ages 9, 8, 6 and 3) are now in the custody of their mother. The case has also been referred to the Department of Human Services. Investigators say Marcum put an electronic dog collar on his four children. Police said he admitted to shocking all of them at least once because he thought it was funny. He said he also got entertainment out of chasing his 3-year-old son around with the collar and making him cry at the thought of being shocked.

Following the arrest, police issued the following statement:

Although it should not be necessary, the Salem Police Department would like to remind people that shock collars and devices are not toys and should not be played with. These devices are designed to control disruptive or aggressive behavior and are not intended for amusement.

See this is where I always get confused. I’m no lawyer but aren’t your kids your own property? Kind of like a tractor or your wife? You feed them, you give them shelter, it seems the least you should be able to do is shock the shit out of them every once in awhile right? I mean it would be one thing if this was during football season, but what else are you supposed to do for entertainment in Oregon during spring time? So the police can spare me the mumbo jumbo about how shock collars aren’t for amusement. That may be true in some places but not in the Pacific Northwest. You take that away shocking your family for entertainment and you got nothing left.

3. BOSTON (AP)—BostonBruins defenseman Aaron Ward(notes) left Sunday night’s playoff game with what team doctors fear is a broken orbital bone after he was punched by Carolina’s Scott Walker(notes). Bruins coach Claude Julien asked the NHL to look into the play “Something like that is not what you want to see, your player put in that position. Hopefully the people in charge will see that play and decide what they want to do about it.” Hurricanes coach Paul Maurice laughed off the possible repercussions. “Scott probably has sore knuckles,” he said. Asked whether there will be a fine, he added: “I may have to sell my truck.”

I didn’t see this live because I was watching Big Baby cut out the Magic’s heart with butcher knife, but what the fuck? I thought there was some honor in hockey? I mean clearly Aaron Ward wasn’t ready to fight. He might as well have had his back turned and been hit over the head with a steel chair. Everybody knows that in hockey you have to wait for both guys to drop the gloves and fight like a man. This was a total pussy/coward move by Scott Walker. And what’s up with the Hurricane’s coach reaction to this blatant cheap shot? Laughing about it and saying that Walkers knuckles are sore? They should just both thank their lucky stars that Aaron Ward is a tough motherfucker. Because if Ward stays on the ground there is no doubt that Milan Lucic goes beserk and tears Walker’s lungs out. But Ward got up and calmed Looch down because he knows the B’s need him for games 6 and 7 and didn’t want to see Looch go to jail for murder despite what just happened to him. In any event it’s clear this series is officially on.

4. MONTVILLE, N.J. — A New Jersey high school student has been suspended for organizing a contest in which boys voted on the school’s best-looking girls in a bracket modeled on the NCAA basketball tournament. Mike Butrym, of Towaco, says he was continuing a Montville High School tradition and believes his five-day suspension is too harsh. The contest was called “May Madness.” Teenage boys chose 16 female students from each grade. Each day, they paired off the girls and judged them on their appearance. Winners advanced to the next round. He was suspended for “intimidation, harassment and insubordination.”

Intimidation? Harassment? Insubordination? They are acting like this kid killed somebody. Listen if God didn’t want guys dehumanizing chicks and treating them as sex objects then he would have just made everybody dudes. Seriously since when did we start living in Communist China? When did our Constitutional right to vote on hot chicks get abolished. I mean what’s next? No dressing sluts up as naughty nurses and having contests? No grabbing chicks asses in the clubs? No smokeshow of the day? I won’t let it happen! I can’t let that happen! Sometimes a smut peddler has to draw a line in the sand and say enough is enough. Today is that day my friends. Because if we don’t fight for our right to treat chicks like bitches then one day they will truly be equal and then what? I don’t want to even live to find out….

5. I love how everybody is asking me what my reaction to the Manny thing is. Like I should be shocked or something. My answer is always the same. I fucking love it. It’s hilarious, but I’m not the least bit surprised. I mean obviously he used steroids. Everybody who put up huge mind blowing numbers during this era used steroids. Manny, Arod, Pujols, Papi, everybody. Yeah I said Papi. Obviously he used too. The guy’s freaking trainer was like a steroid kingpin. And people can spare me the whole it’s dangerous to assume guys used steroids who haven’t been proven guilty yet. No it’s not. Everybody fucking used with the exception of maybe Nomar who has too much respect for the game. But that’s neither here nor there. I don’t even care about baseball guys getting busted anymore. My question is why does the NBA and specifically Lebron James get a free pass? This makes no sense to me. I mean the guy is fucking huge. I’m talking abnormally gigantic. And the one thing this entire steroid fiasco has taught us is that if a guy is a million times better than everybody else and looks totally different then he’s probably cheating. Lebron fits that bill to a tee. It would be one thing if he slowly developed over the years but ever since I’ve seen him he’s been gigantic. Go back and watch the McDonalds All American games from the past 20 years. There is nobody who ever looked like Lebron did in High School. So I’m sure just like with Arod he was juicing since middle school. Because you don’t get a man’s body at 15 unless you’re cheating. But Lebron is good for ratings and good for the NBA so David Stern turns a blind eye to just like what MLB did during the HR chase. Listen, I don’t blame them, but mark my words. Lebron James uses steroids. It’s just common sense.

6. Bill Simmons of ESPN - My son and I have flown from California to spend the week in Boston. He is a little more than 6½ at this point. He has never set foot in Fenway Park. The time is right. He likes baseball. He likes the Red Sox. We bring my father with us. Three generations of the Simmons family taking in a Yankees-Red Sox game for the first time. We find our $1,500 seats in the lower boxes near third base. Ever since Boston won the World Series 10 years ago, I always imagined pointing to that 2004 banner and telling my little boy, “That’s the team that changed everything.”So that’s what I do. I point at the banner and tell him, “That’s the team that changed everything.”"Isn’t that the team that cheated?” he asks. We look at the 2004 banner again. I always thought that, for the rest of my life, I would look at that banner and think only good thoughts. Now, there’s a mental asterisk that won’t go away. I wish I could take a pill to shake it from my brain. I see 2004 and 2007, and think of Manny and Papi first and foremost. The modern-day Ruth and Gehrig. One of the great one-two punches in sports history. Were they cheating the whole time? Was Pedro cheating, too? That 2004 banner makes me think of these things now. I wish it didn’t, but it does. This makes me sad. This makes me profoundly sad.

I haven’t had a good Bill Simmons rant in a long time but I just couldn’t ignore his take on the Manny situation. I mean if you told me this was written by Dan Shaugnessy I wouldn’t have blinked an eye. Did Simmons really say he has a mental asterisk next to the 2004 World Series banner now? Honestly that is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Now don’t get me wrong I expect Yankee fans and all the people who are jealous of Boston to say shit like that. I would too if I were them and hated a city that we couldn’t beat. That’s just what sports fans do. They look to tear down the king of the mountain with anything no matter how ridiculous it may be. Whether it be Rodney Harrison testing positive for HGH, spygate or dead spots in the Garden. You always look for something to discredit the other guy. So naturally the haters are going to cling to this Manny thing like gold even though nobody is happier about this development than Bostonians. That’s what made this article so strange. How can a guy who is supposedly the voice of the Boston Sports Fan say he has a mental asterisk next to our World Championships and he’s sad when he looks at the banners? It’s nuts. Seriously is there any other Sox fan on earth not in an insane asylum who feels this way? Nobody fucking cares whether Manny used or not. Nobody fucking cares. It doesn’t even matter to me whether Manny was the only guy on the planet who used steroids as opposed to like all of baseball. It still wouldn’t tarnish the memories. It doesn’t make anything less sweet. It doesn’t take away how I felt when Big Papi went deep or Dave Roberts stole 2nd or Curt Schilling pitched with a bloody sock. It all happened and nothing can ever change that. And how anybody can feel otherwise is simply beyond me. So while Bill Simmons may be a great writer I think it’s time for him to keep his thoughts about Boston Sports to himself because clearly his little stint in LA LA land has caused him to lose all touch with reality.

PS - Don’t bitch about ticket prices when everybody knows you haven’t paid for a ticket in the past 10 years. It’s insulting to people who still pay to go.

7. Moscow News - Just one month after undergoing a penis enlargement surgery, a patient of a Moscow plastic surgery clinic has asked the doctors to restore the original size of his penis. In February the 40-years-old man, identified as Konstantin F., came to the clinic complaining he was too small, Life.ru website reports Monday. The man wanted to add an extra two-thirds to his penis and get 25 cm (9.8 inches) instead of his 15 cm (5.9 inches). The doctors tried to persuade the patient that his penis was ideally sized, warned that he may be unhappy with the results of the surgery, and even showed him a life-sized replica of a 25-cm male organ. But the man stood his ground and demanded the operation. The surgery was completed in two sessions, and happy Konstantin returned home almost twice as large as he used to be. But in just one month he was back at the clinic again, this time asking to undo the enlargement. “He said no woman wants to be with him anymore,” Life.ru quoted one of the doctors as saying. “He came here several times, begged us for new surgery, swore he would never be so stupid again.” However it will take six to eight months before a second surgery can be performed. “If there was a surgery to enlarge brains, we would offer him a free trial,” the doctor said.

Since when can you get plastic surgery to make your penis bigger? Seriously, is this new? Kudos to the Russians here. We in the US all like to think that our way of life is so very good and theirs is so very bad. But a nation that’s run by the mob and whose chief exports are teenage prostitutes and hot, young Howard Stern guests, wouldn’t have the time to be doing pioneering medical research like this. Of course I want to make it clear I’m only curious about this from an academic perspective. Penis-wise I’m all set. In fact I could’ve told Konstantin an unusually large Johnson is not all it’s cracked up to be, but no one asked me. But while we’re on the subject, does anyone have any more information on this story? Like where is this magical land where women prefer guys with small dicks? I’m just asking, mind you.

8. Reiss’ Pieces - Patriots rookie linebacker Tyrone McKenzie, who was injured during the team’s rookie mini-camp last weekend, is out for the season with a torn anterior cruciate ligament in his right knee, according to a source close to the rookie. The second of the team’s two third-round picks in the 2009 NFL Draft, McKenzie was injured during the first of two practice sessions last Saturday. During a one-on-one coverage drill, McKenzie became tangled up with a running back and went down.

So the Patriots make one LB acquisition so far this offseason. A spot where they were paper thin last year and suffered their biggest loss in Mike Vrabel. And after a week with the team, his season is over. Which is pretty much how the last four or five years have gone for the Pats D. Let’s do the math. Assume a 53 man roster. Allow for 3 guys who are exclusively Special Teamers. That leaves 50 guys, and let’s say half of them are on defense. At the rate of one getting knocked out for the season every ten days, that will mean that by mid October we’ll be down to just Jerod Mayo and Junior Seau’s cell number. Which is still better than we made out last year. Paging Jason Taylor.

9. NAIROBI, May 6 (Reuters) - An Arsenal fan in soccer-mad Kenya hanged himself wearing his beloved team’s shirt after their defeat to Manchester United in the Champions League. Suleiman Omondi, 29, was found hanged at his home in a middle-class Nairobi estate shortly after leaving distraught from the pub where he had watched Arsenal lose 3-1 in their Champions League semi-final at the Emirates on Tuesday. “He took some drinks and broke down in tears within the final minutes of the match,” a fellow bar patron, who asked not to be named, told Reuters. Police said they were called to Omondi’s house on Wednesday morning. “What we are gathering is this suicide is related to the Arsenal and Manchester match,” local Embakasi area police chief David Bunei told reporters. Bar attendants said they had to intervene after Omondi lunged at a man who suggested Arsenal would not recover from conceding two early goals.

Well that answers that question. First it was Bea Arthur, then it was Dom DeLuise, now today the 3rd death is none other than Suleiman Omondi. Who woulda thunk it? Frankly given the pattern, my money was on Don Rickles or Phyllis Diller, but keep in mind I also had Desert Party in the Derby. Whatever the case, you gotta wonder whether this guy killed himself because his favorite team lost or because he was just so freaking bored watching soccer all day? It’s gotta be a tough call for the coroner to make. If I had to bet though, I’d probably say the autopsy reveals a little bit of both.

10. Kuala Lumpur, May 5 (ANI): A secretary reportedly bit off her boss’ penis accidentally while performing oral sex in a car. According to Sin Chew Daily and China Press, the 30-year-old woman was performing the sex act when the car, she and her boss were in, was hit by a reversing van. The impact of the reversing van caused the woman to bite off her lover’s organ. The incident took place in a Singapore park, and to make matters worse, the woman’s husband had sent a private investigator to spy on her after suspecting that she was being unfaithful. The investigator said that he had followed the woman and her boss to the park. “On reaching the park, they did not alight from the car. Not long after, the car started to shake violently,” the Star Online quoted the investigator as saying. “After the car was hit by the van, there was a loud scream from the woman whose mouth was covered with blood,” he said. The woman later followed her lover to the hospital.

Has a single story ever summed up the vagaries of life the way this one does? Like grown-up Ralphie puts it in “A Christmas Story,” Sometimes, at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at it’s zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters decend upon us. Sometimes it’s the Bumpuses dogs eating your turkey, sometimes its your secretary biting your John Thomas off in the middle of giving you a Trumpkin. It’s all part of life’s rich pageant. But I’ll say this; whoever wrote this article can knock it off with this “to make matters worse” business. If you find yourself staring down at your vacated crotchal region and your secretary is in the seat next to you with your severed dick in your mouth, the fact that she’s got a jealous husband doesn’t make anything worse. Still, I’m sure the husband and Magnum, Kuala Lumpur had a good chuckle over the whole thing.

11. LOS ANGELES, California – Miss California USA Carrie Prejean “breached her contract” by keeping semi-nude photos a secret and could be stripped of her beauty queen title, according to a state pageant spokesman. Prejean said the photos — taken when she was 17 and aspiring to be a Victoria’s Secret model — were being used in a “vicious and mean-spirited” effort to silence her for “defending traditional marriage.” The 21-year-old Miss USA contestant has been the center of controversy since she declared her opposition to same-sex marriage in a response to a question on the pageant stage last month. “That answer, and my commitment to stand by my beliefs, has since resulted in attacks on me and my integrity as a woman,” Prejean said in a news release dated Tuesday.. “I am not perfect, and I will never claim to be,” she said. “But these attacks on me and others who speak in defense of traditional marriage are intolerant and offensive. While we may not agree on every issue, we should show respect for others’ opinions and not try to silence them through vicious and mean-spirited attacks.”

Bitch shut the fuck up would you? Nobody cares about your stance on gay marriage. Nobody is attacking your Christian beliefs. You got a hot ass and you posed nude. Obviously people are going to post the pictures online. Get over yourself. And that goes for the California Pageant committee too. You paid for this whore to get a fucking boob job before the competition which is like a manager injecting his players with steroids. So spare me this whole whoa is me routine now that you found out she posed half naked when she was 17. YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME. Maybe I could understand it if she had a dick in her mouth or something, but this photo looks like it could be from her pageant portfolio or something. I mean this didn’t even make my dick twitch so everybody can just fucking relax.

12. Fresh off yet another sweep of the hapless Yankees I think it’s time to revisit a conversation we’ve had several times over the course of the past decade. Is it time to start rooting for the Yankees? In the past whenever we raised this question the logic was always that this rivalry is no fun when one side just keeps kicking the shit out of the other like we’ve been doing all century. I mean it’s hard to get fired up when you know the other team doesn’t belong on the same field as you. And after watching the Sox sweep the Yankees yet again in front of 10 people at Yankee Stadium in maybe the most depressing game in the history of baseball I think it’s safe to say the rivalry is officially dead. I mean the Yankees couldn’t beat us in a 7 game series if their lives depended on it. They know it. We know it. Everybody knows it. But that doesn’t mean we should stop paying attention to NY. Because in light of how much we seem to struggle with Tampa Bay it would be a huge advantage to us if the Yankees somehow managed to win the wildcard. Yeah I know that seems like crazy talk, but who knows? The bottom line is that if by some act of god they manage to sneak into the playoffs that all but guarantees us a spot in the World Series. So yes the rivalry may be dead, but the Yankees can still make themselves useful to us. So here is my question. Is it time to root for the Yankees so we don’t have to play Tampa or even Toronto when it counts?

13. Philly.com - For an argument over plastic cups, a pingpong ball and warm beer, one Montgomery County man lost his life and another may spend the rest of his in prison. Joseph B. Jimenez, 24, was charged with first-degree murder for allegedly fatally shooting his opponent, Scott Riley, 25, following a game of beer pong at a Bridgeport home Friday night. Investigators said that they don’t know what rule infractions sparked the fight during the drinking game, but Bridgeport Police Chief Zenny Martyniuk said that the men knew each other before the match and had no prior issues. Jimenez and Riley, both of Bridgeport, were playing beer pong at a small gathering at a mutual friend’s house on Second Street near Mill when witnesses saw them arguing over the game, police said. Several witnesses even told investigators that they believed that the men were play-wrestling or horsing around. According to court documents, Jimenez claimed that Riley had said, “Shoot me! Shoot me! You guys ain’t got the b—-!” Jimenez pulled a .40-caliber Taurus handgun from his waistband and shot Riley once in the neck, police said. Jimenez ran home from the scene, woke his mother and told her that his gun fell out of his pants and went off during a game of beer pong, shooting Riley, court documents said.

I never like talking about murder on the Stool because it’s bad karma to make fun of dead people. But when a guy gets shot over a rules argument in Beirut I feel like I need to chime in. Forget the War in Iraq. Forget the Swine Flu. Forget the economy. If the government really wants to help the American people they should drop everything they’re doing and institute a national set of Beirut rules and fantasy football rules that everybody can follow. Honestly how many people are going to have to get stabbed or killed before this happens? I feel like I’ve been beating this drum for the past 3 years, but nobody is listening. When is enough enough?

PS - I’m not the type of guy who likes to pile on a dead guy, but I am a firm believer that if you dare somebody to shoot you then they have no choice but to cap your ass. You just lose all your street cred if you don’t. But everybody knows you shoot somebody in the leg not the neck. The leg gets your point across just fine without needing to kill the guy. It’s a win, win for everybody.

14. NY Daily News - Hundreds of irate fans - some who claim Yankee employees told them the game had been rained out - stormed away from Yankee Stadium before Monday night’s game against the Red Sox even got underway and couldn’t get back in, resulting in a an ugly scene at one of the ticket gates. With rain falling for hours and no start time announced until shortly before 9 p.m., hordes of fans began leaving the Stadium and heading home - some who said they had been advised that the game had been called by Yankee employees who walked the concourse holding pinstriped “How may I help you?” signs. When a 9:20 p.m. start time was eventually announced over the public address system, a crowd on the sidewalk outside Gate 6 tried to get back into the Stadium, only to have the employees working the turnstiles promptly close the doors in their faces. Panicked fans began racing up and down the sidewalk, trying to find a way back into the ballpark, while others remained at Gate 6 either pleading or demanding to be let back in.

Here are some assorted quotes from fans who were told the game was cancelled then weren’t let back in:

“We spent three hours drinking beer - you can’t drink much because they’re 10 bucks apiece - now they’re going to play a game in front of 35 fans.”
“the guys holding the ‘How may I help you signs?’ said they weren’t going to play,”
“This is not fan-friendly. This is B.S. You pay money for a top-of-the-line franchise, and you get bottom-of-the-line customer service.”
“I built this Stadium and they won’t let me in it,”

So this is how you get treated at The House That The Overburdened NY Taxpayer Built. You confiscate people’s income in the middle of a crippling depression to build a gaudy palace, a grandiose temple built by wage slaves for the glorification of a billionaire emperor. And as a way of saying “thanks” they not only charge you $2500 to walk in and 10 bucks for a warm PBR, but they actually hire sign-holders to tell you the game has been rained out, trick you into leaving and then yell “Psyche!” when you try to get back in like it’s some kind of a lame fraternity hazing. Oh, and that money you spent on the ticket? Yeah, we pocket that. Thanks for coming out. Enjoy the game on the YES Network in some dangerous, blood-soaked Bronx bar. It would take a heart of stone not to laugh. But in fairness to the Yankees, by not allowing their loyal subjects to sit through3 1/2 hours of watching Phillip Hughes give up 7 hits and walk 4 in 4.0 innings, they did them a favor.

15. Boston.com - The staggering decline of David Ortiz has been evident in many ways. There are numbers: He is batting .215 with no home runs in 93 at bats, and his .612 OPS ranks 92d in the American League. There is his swing: Red Sox hitting coach Dave Magadan said Ortiz has been almost “cheating” to prepare for fastballs. There is the way opponents treat him: [Saturday] night, Joe Maddon had lefthander Brian Shouse walk Dustin Pedroia so he could pitch to Ortiz…”Well, I’m not happy,” Ortiz said. “Why should I be? But let me tell you what. I’m the kind of guy that, 100 at-bats in two weeks, I can wipe my ass with. You know what I’m saying? I’m just going to keep it cool, keep playing the game, not worry about too many things. I’m not going to worry about all the negativity, all the bullshit. Because, it seems like it’s never enough. People, all they like to see is people fail, so they have a reason to talk shit. So that’s why I’m trying to stay away from talking. Because I don’t need to talk. I need to do things right now. You know what I’m saying? I will do things. Believe me. Regardless. I will. It’s going to come slowly, and it will. I’m just not trying to do … what I can do in a week, I’m not trying to do in one day anymore. I was. I’m not going to lying to you. I was trying to get five hits in one at-bat. So right now, I’m just taking it slowly. If they want to walk me, they don’t want to give me shit to hit, I won’t swing. If you give me something, I’m going to try to hit. If I don’t hit a home run today, I’m going to hit a home run tomorrow.”

With a full month of the season now passed, the panic on Ortiz’s lack of production is starting to spread like Swine Flu hysteria. But I’ll tell you right now I’d sooner take my wedding ring and mail it off in a prepaid envelope to Cash4Gold than abandon Papi now. These are the times that try men’s souls and how you treat Papi’s slump says everything about you. It’s like a Rorschach test. Or one of those Cosmo quizzes like “Your favorite ‘Sex in the City’ character reveals your personality” or something. You can look at Ortiz’s power outage in one of three ways, and each is a window into your soul:

You agree with Papi that he’s going to come out of this thing, starting tonigh: Loyalty, holla. You’re all about gratitude. And perspective. You know negativity is so 2002. That this isn’t your grandfather’s Red Sox and you’ll die before you’ll turn on the one man who’s more responsible for the seismic shift in the culture here than any man on Earth.
You’re not sure, but you are starting to have doubts that he’ll ever hit again: You’re a gray, insignificant little man. An anonymous drone who’s biggest accomplishment in life is the one time you got on The Whiner Line. You cower from the light. You’ll die alone and be eaten by your apartment full of cats. They say the hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who refuse to take a stand in a crisis and you’re doomed to burn for eternity.
You’re saying he’s finished and it’s time for the Sox to waive him and move on: You’re a dark, soulless creature. You know neither love nor faith, hope, beauty, devotion… all the things that make life worth living for the rest of us. We use words like “honor” “code” and “loyalty.” We use them to describe a life spent believing in something. You use them as a punchline. You’re the first guy to drop his rifle and run from the foxhole when the guys you owe your life to are counting on you. You’re a frontrunning prick who never deserved to have a guy like Ortiz to root for in the first place.

16. I have a question. When did everybody give up on the Celtics? I mean am I the only one on the planet that thinks we still have a legitimate shot to repeat as Champions? Granted it’s not like last year when we were a bizillion times better than everybody else, but I still think we have as good a shot as anybody. Sure we lost KG and Powe, but Rondo is a million times better this year than last and so is Perk. And Ray Allen has had been insane all season long and the Truth is the Truth. Yeah I admit that our depth is a major concern with all the injuries, but anytime you can trot out the best starting 5 in basketball you’re a legitimate threat to win the title. So I think anybody who is just happy that we got by Chicago or think we have no chance vs. Cleveland is not only selling themselves short, but they’re selling the Celtics short and this city short. You got to remember that the Bulls were a dangerous team. That we’re the defending World Champions. That we played well the entire 2nd half of the year without KG. That we have the best staring 5 in the NBA. That Kobe rapes chicks. And most importantly you got to remember that we’re Boston and they ain’t.

17. Ebay - This listing is for a pair of officially licensed WWF/WWE Tag Team Championship replica belts - but that’s not all. The winning bidder will have these belts hand delivered by Ax and Smash of Demolition, who will fly anywhere in the continental USA to deliver them! (their airfare and travel expenses are included in the sale price). Demolition won the World Tag Team Championship Belts in 1988 (WrestleMania lV), 1989 (WrestleMania V) and 1990 (WrestleMania Vl). Do not miss your chance for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to meet Ax and Smash AND to own a pair of officially licensed belts! This listing has no reserve price so place your bid now!

Ok here is the million dollar question with this auction. Are Ax and Smash in full uniform with their theme song playing when they knock on your door? Because if they are then 7 grand is a drop in the hat for this. I mean for my money their entrance music is still arguably the best of all time. I literally pissed myself as a kid whenever they entered the ring because I honestly thought somebody was about to die. Yeah I know people are going to say they ripped off Legion of Doom/Road Warriors but I don’t care. For my money Demolition was the best tag team of all time. So if I just didn’t get four grand stolen from me I’d bid on this so fast it would make your head spin. I mean it’s pretty tough for a potential client not to sign on the dotted line when they’re staring at replica WWF belts and “Here Comes the Ax and Here Comes the Smasher” is blaring on the PA system. Sucks that I’m broke.

18. TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — A lawyer who let a female client work off her fee through sex has been disbarred by the Florida Supreme Court. The justices Thursday cited the man’s guilty plea to solicitation to prostitution as one of several instances of professional misconduct. The justices wrote that the man admitted having sex with his 18-year-old client and another woman in exchange for credits toward her $2,300 fee for handling an assault case. He agreed to take off $200 every time he had sex with her and $400 when she arranged sex with another woman. The justices also found in other cases he altered evidence, caused a witness to give false testimony, charged excessive fees and stole clients’ money.

Well aside from that last part about altering evidence, causing a witness to give false testimony, stealing clients’ money and charging excessive fees, what’s wrong with what happened here? I mean he and the woman both agreed – if you bang me, I’ll knock $200 off your fee. Bring a buddy into the mix and I’ll take off another $400. In other words, both parties consented to this. It’s not like the chick had no idea what was going on while she was getting railed behind the bench. Seriously, what’s the difference if she pays him in money or sex? She could pay him in pop tarts for all I care - either way, as long as the attorney “zealously defends his client”, then everybody wins in the end.

19. QUARTZ HILL, Calif. - Don’t mess with a marching band girl, especially one armed with a baton. A 17-year-old high school marching band student beat up two assailants who tried to mug her as she walked to school in this high desert community about 40 miles north of Los Angeles, sheriff’s officials said Tuesday. The girl punched one of the men in the nose, kicked the other in the groin and beat both with her large baton before she ran away on Friday morning, officials said.” The moral to this story is don’t mess with the marching band girls, or you just might get what you deserve,” said Los Angeles County sheriff’s Deputy Michael Rust. He said two men approached the girl from behind, grabbed her coat and demanded money. Deputies searched near Quartz Hill High School for the muggers, looking for a man who was holding his bloodied nose and the other limping.

From the sound of things, we can add Quartz Hill, CA muggers to the list of institutions that just ain’t what they used to be. Where are they getting their pursesnatchers from these days? Are they the guys not tough enough to hack it on the Audio-Visual Squad? Who’s lower on the high school social food chain than Band Geeks? And two guys got their asses kicked by one? There’s no way they can ever live that down and their best bet is to either spend the rest of their lives walking the Earth like Kwai Chang Caine or hang themselves from the highest cactus they can find. Because once you’d had your lunch handed to you by a majorette, your life as you know it is over. But for the Band Geeks, this chick must be a legend by now. Her myth has probably grown to the point where they’re calling her the Nerd Who Lived and her baton has powers like Thor’s hammer and lighting shoots out of her glasses like Cyclops and her braces repel evil and stuff. I’m guessing there’s a chance she might even get laid after this.

20. NY - Yelling “fore!” may be traditional golf etiquette, but it’s not always required by law, a state appeals court has ruled. Dr. Azad Anand, of Oyster Bay, lost sight in one eye when his buddy shanked a shot during a 2002 round at a Dix Hills golf course. But Anand is not entitled to damages, even though his friend, Dr. Anoop Kapoor of Huntington Station, failed to scream “fore!” when he launched the shot that struck Anand in the eye, the state appellate court in Brooklyn said. The court’s ruling said getting hit by an errant ball is an “inherent risk of the game of golf.” Anand was injured at Dix Hills Country Club on Oct. 19, 2002, after he, Kapoor and a third man, Balram Verma, teed off from the first hole of the nine-hole course. Kapoor’s second shot went into the rough. As Anand and Verma stood on the fairway, Kapoor launched his third shot, which veered right and struck Anand’s left eye. Anand testified in a deposition Kapoor never shouted “fore,” … Kapoor said he shouted a warning when he saw where the ball was going, but Anand and Verma said they never heard it. While prior rulings have held that there is a duty to issue a warning when other golfers are in the expected path of a ball, the court noted that Kapoor’s shot was so off target that he couldn’t have expected to hit Anand.

For openers, this is why you never show up to the course as a single. If you can’t get anyone to show up, hit the driving range and save your greens fees for another day. Because this is who they’ll stick you with. The Azad Anands, Anopp Kapoors and Balram Vermas of the world, spraying the ball all over the place and too distracted from chattering on about their malpractice premiums to watch out for Dr. Beeper while he’s trying to hit a recovery shot. And by the way, they must be really successful doctors to be playing at the Dix Hill 9-holer. I’m sure it’ll make Golf Digest’s Top 100 this year. But that aside, what kind of a miscreant to you have to be to stand forward of your partner… while he’s playing out of the tall grass no less… not pay attention while he’s hitting, then sic your lawyers on him when he duckhooks one into your orbital bone? I’ve never found a spot that was safe when one of my friends was hitting except behind him. And even then I’m keeping an eye on the trees. If anyone chooses to stand in front of me, they’ve got a lot more faith in my game than I do, and they do it at their own risk. You hear a lot about judges being out of touch, but they got this ruling 100% correct. Dr. Anand can whine all he wants about losing an eye, but you don’t hear him apologizing for making poor Anoop card an 8 on the hole. Serves him right.

21. From Boston Magazine

John Henry’s Courtship Email To His Future Wife

Dear Linda,

A man needs a muse. Well, he doesn’t really. He doesn’t need nearly as much as he generally thinks he does. A man is greedy. Greedy for what he doesn’t think he has and what he thinks he wants. We probably wouldn’t have wandered far beyond the basic necessities without that pushing us. Progress is one of its most important byproducts.

So you will ask, “Why are you writing this?” Because a brief encounter-and-a-half with you gave a cool spin to this little blue planet from my vantage point.

We feted the Celtics tonight and the skies opened. The sun emerged and created a giant rainbow between the city and the park. We were transfixed. You only saw it if you were in the right place. I was in the right place when I noticed you.

I barely know you. I don’t have any illusions about capturing your heart. But the world is brighter, better, lighter and warmer when a man imbues a woman he knows—even tabula rasa—with the attributes I believe reside in you. It’s the small things that ultimately matter. The subtle things. I am honest. I don’t play games. And I see no reason not to say that I’ve been smitten by you and you’ve done me a great service.

You’ve very innocently made my world brighter, better, lighter and warmer. So thanks. No response is necessary because a man doesn’t need nearly as much as he thinks he does.

I’ve read alot of articles since starting the Stool, but none of them were as fascinating, bizarre, surreal to me as this one regarding John Henry’s courtship of his fiancee written from her best friends perspective. There were so many unbelievable quotes in it I don’t even know where to begin. Basically Boston Magazine spends upwards of 7 pages trying to make it seem like John Henry is a cool guy. That he actually had friends before he met his future wife. That he was part of some modern day rat pack consisting of Tom Werner and Ed Kane (owner of Waterworks and manager of Estate and Shrine) They even called themselves the Cirque du Rire or Circle of Laughs. They make it seem like John Henry somehow won this broad over by being romantic, funny, good looking and everything else that normal guys have to do to get chicks. That it’s not that unusual for 80 year old creepy dudes to marry 20 year old broads. That his new bride wasn’t remotely interested in the fact he was a bizillionare. It was surreal. Listen I ain’t mad at John Henry for bagging a young hot wife. If I wiped my ass with money and owned the Red Sox I’d do the same thing. But I just wouldn’t go on the front page of Boston Magazine and act like I’m some modern day Don Juan or something. Because I hate to break it to John Henry, but he could have saved himself a whole lot of time and energy by just writing the following letter instead of the aforementioned one and he would have been in the same exact place he is now;

Hey Bitch,

I’m a bizzilionare.

Sincerely,

Dr. Creepo….

email this to a friend