Random Thoughts
1. Ron Borges in The Herald - Bill Belichick’s solution for replacing Asante Samuel [stats] and Ty Law fully revealed itself yesterday. Just keep hiring guys until you trip over somebody good enough to do so. Turns out it wasn’t Deltha O’Neal. Or Fernando Bryant. Or Jason Webster. Or Lewis Sanders. Or now Ellis Hobbs [stats], either. Whether it turns out to be Terrence Wheatley, Jonathan Wilhite, Darius Butler, Shawn Springs or Leigh Bodden, who are all entrants in this year’s cornerback lottery, remains to be seen. But as business plans go this approach to problem solving ranks right up there with Chrysler’s… Yesterday that included trading Hobbs, a full-time starter the last two years and the NFL’s second-best kick returner last season, but also a guy who was set to earn $2.54 million in the final year of his contact. What the Patriots got back from the Philadelphia Eagles were two fifth-round draft choices, which Belichick then traded to Baltimore to select a guard named Rich Ohrnberger in the fourth round. Something tells me they won’t be giving Ohrnberger John Hannah’s number when he suits up at minicamp this weekend, so that tells you what Belichick thinks of Hobbs, far less than he did when Samuel left town a year ago… He’s going to keep on keeping on until he stumbles across somebody who can keep on playing cornerback as well as two guys he didn’t want to keep on paying. Since they left his team hasn’t won another Super Bowl
Every once in a while Dr. Doom reemerges from the obscurity of his Post Plagiarism Purgatory to remind you that no bigger asshat has ever had a byline in a Boston newspaper. Where do you begin picking holes in this this steaming pile of illogic? It’s like the buffet on a luxury cruise ship. No matter where you start, you can’t go wrong. How about this: Borges rips the Patriots 2009 secondary… rightly so, they were a sieve… but then rips Belichick for jettisoning Hobbs, who was 1/4 of that particular shitshow? What would Borges be saying if Belichick paid Hobbs $2.54 mil after a season like that? Let’s try “his team hasn’t won another Super Bowl” since Asante Samuel left, which by my math was one season ago. Or since Ty Law left, which can be directly traced to that very same Samuel dropping an interception that couldn’t have been easier to catch if it had been hanging from the Skycam on a string? I know, let’s take a stab at his criticism of Belichick for trying different guys at corner but cutting them loose if they couldn’t cut it, like that’s a bad thing. Or his lumping in of Wheatley (who was IR’d in his rookie year) and Wilhite (who played well the last month) with jettisoned failures like Bryant? Actually, I like the clever way he says “a guard named Rich Ornhberger” as a way of saying if a knowledgeable draft genius like Ron Borges doesn’t know who you are, you must be a stiff. All those are blogs unto themselves. But I’m going just to steal a phrase from another NFL coach and say that the day Belichick starts taking personnel advice from dildos like Ron Borges, he’ll end up in the unemployment line next to Borges. And dust off this old chestnut, which is Borges’ reaction to Belichick’s 2001 Draft. It’s always good to bring this one back after reading the annual post-Draft “The Pats Didn’t Help Themselves” article:
“On a day when they could have had impact players David Terrell or Koren Robinson or the second-best tackle in the draft in Kenyatta Walker, they took Georgia defensive tackle Richard Seymour, who had 1 sacks last season in the pass-happy SEC and is too tall to play tackle at 6-6 and too slow to play defensive end. This genius move was followed by trading out of a spot where they could have gotten the last decent receiver in Robert Ferguson and settled for tackle Matt Light, who will not help any time soon.”
2. ASTON, Pennsylvania (CNN) – It’s been dubbed the No. 1 high school rivalry in the United States. But last decade, Phillipsburg High School and Easton AreaHighSchool left the football field without a clear winner: a 7-7 tie. Back then, there was no overtime in high school games, and it’s stung ever since. In gridiron parlance, it’s known as “kissing your sister.” That’s about to change. The gridiron grudge match will be played this weekend. There will be no ties this time around. They’re even breaking a century-old Turkey Day tradition, all in the name of who gets the bragging rights from that night so many years ago. The players are now grown men in their early 30s. Hair is starting to turn gray, and waistlines have expanded. Some are family men, and most have full-time jobs. They had eight weeks to get back in game shape, and most jumped at the chance.The game will be played at 3 p.m. Sunday at Lafayette College’s Fisher Stadium in Easton. Footage of the game will be available on
Yawn. I don’t see what the big deal about this story is. This already happened back in 1986. Dr. Death. Jack Dundee. Johnny O, Reno Hightower. Do any of those names ring a bell? I mean how do write this article and not at least mention Best of Times? Because this is 100% a rip off from that movie. Hell it wouldn’t surprise me if the QB of Phillpsburg comes out wearing white cleats at halftime. So sorry if I’m not jumping up and down about this article, but I’ve been there done that.
3. BERLIN (Reuters) - It did not take long for the world financial crisis to affect the world’s oldest profession in Germany. In one of the few countries where prostitution is legal, and unusually transparent, the industry has responded with an economic stimulus package of its own: modern marketing tools, rebates and gimmicks to boost falling demand. Some brothels have cut prices or added free promotions while others have introduced all-inclusive flat-rate fees. Free shuttle buses, discounts for seniors and taxi drivers, as well as “day passes” are among marketing strategies designed to keep business going. “Times are tough for us too,” said Karin Ahrens, who manages the “Yes, Sir” brothel in Hanover. She told Reuters revenue had dropped by 30 percent at her establishment while turnover had fallen by as much as 50 percent at other clubs. Berlin’s “Pussy Club” has attracted media attention with its headline-grabbing “flat rate” — a 70-euro admission charge for unlimited food, drink and sex between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. “You’ve got to come up with creative solutions these days,” said club manager Stefan, who requested his surname not be published. “Our offer might sound like it’s too good to be true, but it’s real. You can eat as much as you want, drink as much as you want and have as much sex as you want.” Other novel ideas used by brothels and prostitutes include loyalty cards, group sex parties and rebates for golf players.
Hey, you think Verne Lindquist has ever been to the “Yes, Sir!” brothel?“Maybe…. maybe!” Anyway, this type of creative thinking is exactly what’s missing at Ford, Chrysler and GM. I mean you don’t see the German brothel industry dropping to its knees and begging the Reichstag for money. No, they come up with their own marketing ideas, including one of the greatest promotions of all time at the Pussy Club – “unlimited food, drink and sex between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m.” for just 70 euros. Wow, that is unbelievable. Frankly I would just go for the food and drink. Banging a German prostitute who may or may not have a Frankfurter between her legs would just be icing on the proverbial cake. Whatever the case, it just goes to show there’s a reason prostitution is the oldest profession in the world. They never take no for an answer.
4. Apple Inc. pulled a 99-cent iPhone game called “Baby Shaker” from its iTunes store Wednesday after its premise _ quiet a crying baby with a vigorous shake _ prompted outrage. According to screen shots posted on several Web sites, “Baby Shaker” displayed black-and-white line drawings of a baby. The iTunes description included the line, “See how long you can endure his or her adorable cries before you just have to find a way to quiet the baby down!” Once the iPhone owner finishes shaking the device, the on-screen baby is depicted with large red X’s over its eyes.
Thank god. Because if there’s anything certain forces in this country have taught me it’s that video games directly influence the actions and behavior of those who play them. Play Grand Theft Auto, you will go on a joy riding killing spree. So obviously, anyone who played this game would have eventually shaken a baby to death. And not just their own baby (which is still legal, right?) but other people’s babies. Like if you were at Fenway and you brought your baby (dickhead) and it was crying, a random fan would put down his iPhone and shake your crying baby to death to the thunderous applause of the entire crowd.You may have won this round, babies, but we’ll be back.
5. Daily Mail - A bridegroom who sexually assaulted a stranger on his stag night because he wanted one final fling has been jailed for seven years. Louis Palmer, 33, stalked his 30-year-old victim at the end of a drunken night out to celebrate his impending wedding. He pushed the woman against a wall and indecently assaulted her. When she tried to fight him off, he punched her in the face. Despite his being arrested and charged with the attack, Palmer’s fiancee Amanda Conway went ahead with the wedding and married him three weeks later … The victim, who cannot be identified, told the court: ‘I remember crossing the road, then just out of nowhere someone grabbed hold of me and threw me against a wall. ‘I was telling him “please stop”, then he punched me in the face.’… He claimed the woman had offered him ‘one last fling’ after he stopped and asked her for directions. He told police he had agreed to what he thought would be a ‘five-second fumble’. Palmer said: ‘I thought it was going to be like a five-second fumble and whatever, and I would go off into the night. She wasn’t saying anything until she went berserk. ‘When women become hysterical, it is necessary sometimes to slap them to bring them round.’
Ordinarily I don’t condone violence against women in any form. But who am I to judge Louis Palmer? Any guy who can reel in a record catch like Amanda Conway obviously knows a lot more about getting with the ladies than I ever could. And you can see his point. He randomly goes up to a strange girl because he needs to ask for directions, she offers him five seconds of heaven then gets all hysterical two seconds into it, I suppose he’s got to give her the oops upside the head, for her own good. Louie understands women in ways I don’t. He’s like Mel Gibson in “What Women Want.” They want to be groped and slapped by drunken bridegrooms. Obviously because why else would a chick like Amanda, who can have any guy she wants, go through with the wedding and stick it out for seven years? Those are going to be some world class conjugal visits, I’ll tell you that.
6. WEYMOUTH — A man witnesses said was dressed like a ninja used a sword in an attempt to rob a dry cleaner on Main Street, police said. The man, wearing a ski mask and a sword in a sheath on his belt, walked into the Tedeschi convenience store at 1039 Main St. around 8 a.m. Monday, Sgt. Richard Fuller said. “All the witnesses said he was dressed like a ninja,” Fuller said. “He was in all black including the black ski mask. And they said it was a ‘ninja sword’ (he was carrying).” A clerk, alarmed by the man’s appearance, called police. When the man noticed her, he pulled his mask off and asked if she was calling about him, Fuller said. When she said she was, the man left the store and walked into nearby Galaxy Cleaners. There, Fuller said he pointed a sword at the register and asked a clerk to give him all of the money inside. She told him she couldn’t open the drawer, and the man left the scene, Fuller said. Police are still searching for the man, who witnesses said appeared to be in his late 20s.
This is another one of those stories that reminds me why I grew up in Weymouth but I didn’t want to raise kids there. Weymouth used to be a proud town. A working class community where people did things the right way. From our jobs to our schools to our athletics to our ninjas, you took pride in what you did. You didn’t have guys just walking into convenience stores in broad daylight and taking off their masks as soon as the clerk started dialing 911. And when you were robbing a dry cleaners you certainly didn’t fall for the old “I can’t open the drawer” trick. Our ninjas were stealthy assassins. Invisible, unholy, ruthless killers in the darkness. We were the night and any store clerk who stood in our way was dead before they could feel our cold steel. But this amateur might as well have been wearing a turtle costume and ordering pizza. First the world’s pirates have been reduced to a bunch of punks with guns sitting in bass boats and now my own hometown’s once-proud ninja population is a pathetic joke. Cue Springsteen’s “My Hometown” while I weep.
7. Boston.com — Transit police saw a spike in the number of groping reports on the T over the last year, a rise that coincided with a surge in arrests for indecent assault and battery. The increases came a year after the MBTA launched a public awareness campaign that encourages riders to report inappropriate behavior by calling 617-222-1212 or snapping pictures of offenders with their cellphones. The campaign included advertisements on hundreds of trains and trolleys with provocative slogans such as, “Rub against me and I’ll expose you.”
Well first of all I would absolutely rub against that chick in the picture. Damn, she’s fine. But more importantly, this brings up the age old question of when does a “rub up” become a “grope”? Is it the ass grab? The titty twister? Some people say anything short of a “Cleveland Steamer” is perfectly acceptable for the Green Line. Whatever it is, it’s a slippery slope you don’t want to mess with. I mean if we’re just talking about “rub ups”, I could easily file 6 lawsuits today and that’s just from backpacks, bums and fat chicks. Anyway, this whole thing just “exposes” the MBTA’s utter cluelessness when it comes to operating a public transportation system. Hey dudes, how about having more trains running so 5,000 people don’t have to cram into 1 car? Ever think of that? Unfortunately, probably not.
8. Giselle Bundchen reportedly has won $1 million betting on Italian soccer juggernaut Inter Milan with British-based bookmaker Stanleybet International. “According to the Metropolitan Post, Gisele has “complete faith” in Jose Mourinho and started placing her weekly bets last December.”
Ever since Tom Brady got taken out in that vicious drive-by hit by Bernard Pollard in Week 1 last year, I’ve been looking for a sign. Some signal from on high that he was coming back with God on his side. This is it. It’s divine intervention. The Almighty’s way of showing us that Brady suffered enough last year and now his trials and tribulations are over and now his life is going back to what it was meant to be. All championships and great luck and hot sex and a wife who can out wager any degenerate gambler in the world. The first pebble rolling down the hill to start the avalanche that will bury the rest of the football world. It’s destiny.
9. LOUISVILLE, Ky. – The FBI is investigating the estranged wife of Louisville’s equipment manager regarding extortion allegations leveled by coach Rick Pitino, her attorney said Sunday. Attorney Thomas Clay said he spoke with the FBI about the matter last week but had no further comment. He represents Karen Sypher, the wife of longtime equipment manager Tim Sypher. Clay acknowleged Karen Sypher was contacted by the FBI after Pitino filed a complaint last month that he was being targeted for extortion. “I can’t be more specific than they talked to her,” Clay said. “Yes, there could be a criminal prosecution.”…Pitino said in a statement Saturday night that he planned to keep the matter private but was forced into action when the individual — whom he did not name — decided to go to the media. The statement did not detail the nature of the threats. “I recently learned that the individual behind this extortion attempt has already gone to the media with false, defamatory and outrageous allegations in an attempt to pressure me to cave in to this scheme,” Pitino said.
I’m not 100% sure what to make of this story. Karen Sypher is clearly telling people she banged Pitino, right? I mean, what else could she be blackmailing him with? Recruiting violations? Using steroids on his horses? The Chauncey Billiups trade? It’s possible she could just be a gold digging skank just out to make a quick buck, but when women do these things, don’t they usually back up the claim with physical evidence like a pair of Pitinos boxers or bed sheets with his boy butter all over them or something? Still, something just doesn’t add up here. First of all, Pitino is a gazillionaire. If she was telling the truth wouldn’t he just pay her off or have her whacked or something? Isn’t that what rich guys do in this situation? And besides, Pitino is frigging royalty in Kentucky. In the land where college hoops and thoroughbred racing are king, he’s at the top of the food chain in both. Therefore he can nail any woman in the Bluegrass State, period. Picture the chicks sitting in the box seats at Churchill Downs sipping Mint Juleps and realize that Rick could walk through, point to the pick of the litter, say “You’re with me, Pink Hat” and score. But he’s going to pass that up for this tired, overdone hag? An equipment manager’s wife? I’m not buying it. I doubt very much went on here and this is karmic retribution for Pitino taking Red’s title away. Serves him right.
10. FAIRFIELD TWP. - The Butler Tech teacher who took four Edgewood High School cheerleaders to a gay strip bar regrets her actions, according to a written apology she sent to school officials.Marketing teacher Lori Epperson resigned Thursday after being investigated by the career school for taking the girls in February to a Dayton gay bar featuring male dancers. According to the April 10 letter - obtained by The Enquirer through an Ohio Public Records request - the 37-year-old Epperson apologized and explained what happened that night. The girls, ages 18 and 17, “wanted to go to a gay establishment,” Epperson wrote. “They continued to push the issue and I told them if they were that set on going I would prefer they go with me.” Epperson contended the girls’ parents gave permission once she assured them there would be no drinking.
I think we can all see where Miss Epperson went wrong here. If you’re going to take a group of 17 and 18 year old girls on a field trip, first you get permission slips. That’s something they teach you on the first day of teacher college. As Principal Skinner once said “God bless the man who invented the permission slip.” Get a parents signature on one of those puppies and you can take kids anywhere. Plimouth Plantation, the Museum of Science, Old Ironsides, to go look at a bunch of gay guy’s cocks… anywhere. Call the parents and get verbal consent over the phone and you’ve only got yourself to blame. Let this be a lesson to every cheerleader coach out there whose squad is clamoring to see some dick.
I said I wasn’t going to blog on vacation, but screw it. I’m fucking rip shit at Jet Blue. First of all the only reason I flew Jet Blue was so I could watch TV on the ride. But you only get it for like an hour because of they don’t get satellite once they leave the US or it’s illegal over international waters or some bullshit like that. But that’s not even the point of his blog. As everybody knows, I’m due to comeback this Wednesday. Well both me and the First Lady decided we wanted to come back Thursday instead. Basically extend the vacation 24 hours. So I call Jet Blue to switch our flight to the next day. Same exact departure time, same connecting flight, same everything. You know how much they wanted to charge me for that? 1600 bucks! They said that’s how much the ticket costs now and I have to pay the difference. Are you shitting me? I already bought the fucking ticket. The plane on Thursday is half empty. Listen, I’ll gladly pay my $100 change of flight surcharge, so just let me switch flights and stop being an asshole. I was so fucking stunned by this that I actually called back twice just to make sure the first person didn’t screw up. I mean I’ve never heard of something this asinine. I can understand if the flight was sold out or something but it’s not. I thought Jet Blue’s whole gig was that they cared about their customers. Apparently not because they just fucked me in the ass. Moral of the story is I fucking hate Jet Blue and hope they go bankrupt the second my flight lands.
11. The Sun - A COMEDIAN died after accidentally overdosing on laughing gas while watching computer porn, an inquest heard. Mark Cassidy, 42, lost consciousness as he inhaled the nitrous oxide from a canister. He was found dead in bed, surrounded by cans of the gas, after his family became worried they had not seen him for several days and broke into his home in Blackburn. East Lancashire coroner Michael Singleton said the death must have been “terribly shocking” for the family and the most likely explanation was that “it was auto-eroticism that had gone wrong”.
We’ve taken some grief around here this week for writing sarcastic blogs about tragic deaths. Mike’s hooker story. Mine about the kid involved in the love triangle with his teacher. I apologize for nothing. Dark comedy is a time honored tradition that goes all the way back to the theaters of ancient Greece. But there’s nothing funny about this story. Nothing remotely funny. A death of stand up comedian in his 40s with an affinity for porn is a heartbreaking tragedy every time it happens. And to have it happen due to auto-erotic asphyxiation I think hits us all a little to close to home. A comic’s death by jerking off to porn while inhaling laughing gas is definitely one of “There but for the grace of God” things and frankly I’m not sure I’ll be able to blog the rest of the day as I’ll be mourning the sad demise of Mark Cassidy. Goodnight, sweet prince.
12. Boston.com - The aftershock of Eric S. Martins’ election to the School Committee reverberated throughout town on Thursday as PTO members and parents absorbed the news. “I just can’t believe that 900 people crawled out from under a rock and voted for him,” said Jeanne Cawley, president of the high school’s parent-teacher group. “Are they that oblivious to what’s going on? I’m still in shock. I really am. “It’s kind of scary. You couldn’t help but hear Eric Martins’ name last week,” Cawley said. “You’d have to live in a vacuum not to hear about that controversy.” In the election, Martins received 918 votes and, instead of declining the post as promised, he announced Wednesday he had decided to serve. He won despite publicity that he was charged twice with indecent exposure. Martins, 35, said the charges were “fabricated,” and juries found him not guilty in both cases. Martins, who is a Cub Scout den leader and whose son is in the Scouts, left for a Boy Scout trip to Disney World in Florida after the election. He said he would not have time to be sworn in before leaving and would not be able to attend a School Committee meeting this afternoon.
Congrats, Westport, you’ve restored my faith in democracy. Here I am, up in my ivory tower, thinking to myself “Man, maybe you’re falsely accused of indecent exposure once but who the fuck ends up getting busted for that twice and is actually innocent. And yeah, maybe he got off twice but have you ever seen the mouth-breathing freakshows that actually end up serving on juries. Considering if this guy ends up on the School Committee, he could be running around flashing his junk at every school in Westport, I’m gonna play this one safe and NOT vote for the guy who’s been accused of indecent exposure twice to be a member of the School Committee. Also, the guy is taking a bunch of Scouts to Disney World. Yeah, voting for this guy is basically like making me an accessory to whatever sick crime this fuckhead commits next.” But not 918 people in Westport. They saw through the indecent exposure arrests and saw a man just burning to do whatever he could to mold the boys and girls of Westport- as if they were clay in his delicate hands- into fine, outstanding (almost certainly fucked in the head) adults. Also, Eric Martin has just announced that all Westport School Committee meetings are now pants optional.
13. HONOLULU—A 28-year-old man has been sentenced to three weeks in jail for urinating on a 66-year-old woman during a Continental Airlines flight last month from Los Angeles to Honolulu. Jerome Kenneth Kingzio, a resident of the U.S. Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands, was sentenced after pleading guilty Tuesday to assault charges in federal court in Honolulu. The victim was headed to Hawaii on March 21 for a scuba diving vacation and was watching an in-flight movie when Kingzio stood up and began urinating on her. He had been drinking on the flight. U.S. Attorney Edward Kubo Jr. said the woman reported that not only was her entire vacation ruined, but she continues to suffer emotionally from the incident. The case was investigated by the FBI.
Investigated by the FBI? He didn’t kill her, he pissed on her. Whoever’s jurisdiction, this woman can cut the shit about continuing to suffer emotionally. What about little Joey in the seat next to you who had to witness a drunk kid take a leak on a 90 year old lady. That’s going to scar him for life. Plus to some people, getting pissed on at 30,000 feet is an honor. You usually have to pay extra for shit like that. Meanwhile this blue-hair got it for free, and she got to watch an awesome movie at the same time. Stop complaining you whore. And as a side note, the airlines better think twice about charging people to go to the bathroom. Might not be the best idea.
14. ORANGEVALE, Calif. (CBS13) ― She posed nude and now she is out of a job. CBS13 went to Casa Robles High School to find out about the cheerleading coach turned Playboy centerfold. “The girls are supposed to look up their coaches,” says one concerned parent. She bared all, all over the internet. Casa Robles High School officials in Orangevale confirm with CBS13 that their girl’s cheerleading coach, Carlie Christine, was the one who posed nude in a playboy centerfold. Christine is also Playboy’s ‘cyber girl of the week.’ … Parents and some students, who did not want to be identified, exposed the coach to school officials after rumors started slowly getting out that she had posed nude. “I think it’s unacceptable. It’s not fair,” says Jamye Curtis. What apparently uncovered the coach was when some girls didn’t make the cheerleading squad because they had a few unexcused absences from school. Their parents then made copies of Christine and dropped the pictures on the principal’s desk.
You’re damned right cheerleaders are supposed to look up to their coaches. And what kind of a lesson does it send them to get their coach fired for posing nude? Carlie Christine was the perfect role model for these girls. She’s hot, she has no inhibitions, she’s an attention whore, and she’s hot. Everything you want cheerleaders to aspire to. Now all you’ve taught these girls is that if you show your juggs and ass in public, it could cost you. Nice going, Orangevale parents. Way to dash the hopes of dozens of aspiring young sluts.
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Mechanical sucking feature? Spring loaded beads? No fancy dinners? No PMS? You had me at hello. You had me at hello. Seriously move over Tenga because here comes the Autoblow. And as if I wasn’t sold enough by just reading the description once I clicked on their totally NSFW website I was reminded that yes I do like getting blown. It’s marketing 101 really. Tell the customer about the product. Remind them why they love the product. And then sell them the product. Done and done.