Random Thoughts

1. El Presidente drops papers off at Brighton Video in Oak Square. Apparently, not all of their customers are happy about this development. In fact, one lady who is a customer of the store took the time to write a note on the front page of our last issue. This is what is said:

I feel like this is pretty objectifying and degrading to women and scary to have in a family video store. I feel it represents the "ugly American" and all that is oppressive "power-over" other countries."

Is it true? Does Barstool Sports represent the Ugly American? Are we a symbol of oppression and why all the other countries hate us? And is this a good thing or a bad thing? I guess I am a Czar after all.

2. Speaking of world domination I keep looking out my window waiting to see the Venezuelan Army marching through Allston. After all, Bobby Abreu did win the HR Derby at the All Star game and judging from the reaction of Venezuelan people, this has given them the confidence to take over all of planet Earth. I honestly have never seen in my life a group of people so happy to win such a meaningless event.

3. Bronson Arroyo's debut CD hit the stores last week. But it's already gotten the big thumbs up from Sox GM Theo Epstein! According to Epstein, Bronson is “not one of those foolish baseball players who play music on the side. He's got real talent.” Duly noted Theo. And this is coming from a cover tunes expert. Have I ever told the story of the house party I went to where Theo showed up with his own guitar and amplifier and started playing Pearl Jam tunes in the corner to himself? It's a true story. There were probably 10 people total in the apartment when Theo started strumming away. He wasn't good and frankly I thought it was a bit embarrassing but I think he knew everybody there except me. Regardless, who shows up to a house party with their own guitar and amplifiers?

4. I had a valuable lesson reinforced last Wednesday Night after the Barstool Sports radio show. I was sitting with a few Stoolies drinking Miller Lites at The Place when a group of biker dudes walked into the bar. They were accompanied by a cute blond who was wearing a Harley leather jacket. This girl didn't really look like a typical biker chick. She almost had a preppy look to her. Anyway, I asked a fellow Stoolie if he thought she was cute and he said yes. We then talked about how she's the type of girl who would punch you in the face if you approached her. We also talked about how you'd probably end up with a beer bottle in your ear within seconds of saying hello because of the crowd she was rolling with. Well, needless to say 5 seconds after discussing this, some short stocky dude walked up to us and asked us if we had a problem. He claimed we were staring at this chick and making her uncomfortable. The moral of the story is that the best course of action with biker dudes and biker chicks is to just pretend that they don't exist. I almost feel like the Harley chick was actually a model that the bikers paid to hang out with so they could use her as a lightening rod to start fights with.

5. The Tennessee Titans' top draft pick, cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones, surrendered to police last Wednesday on charges of assault and vandalism stemming from a nightclub altercation. In a court appearance, nightclub owner Robert Gaddy said Jones grabbed his shirt, hit him and broke his necklace after Gaddy asked three of Jones' friends to leave the club. Gaddy told police he asked Jones' friends to leave because "they were smoking drugs." I don't want to brag or anything, but I could have predicted that Pac Man Jones would get arrested before the start of the NFL season solely based on what he was wearing during the NFL draft. I've just got to wonder who is doing the background checks for the Tennessee Titans. I mean if a guy isn't even going to pretend to be a solid citizen on draft day, I'm guessing he wasn't exactly hiding the fact that he is a thug from anybody.

7. Bill Belichick is getting divorced from his wife of 20 years. It's the way it had to be right? I mean the guy works 27 hours a day. There was just no other way it could go down. Whenever The First Lady gets on me about going out too much to Barstool events, I'm just going to reply that she's lucky I'm not Bill Belichick.

8. Dunkin Donuts threw some sort of "turbo ice coffee festival in Government Center last week. They brought in fake snow, music, an aerial ski jump with professional trick ski jumpers, and huge trampolines. You could also get a free sample of the turbo iced coffee. Hmm, this is like dealing drugs in broad daylight. How can Dunkin Donuts get away with this? They are simply trying to get everybody hooked on the Turbo charged coffee. Next thing you know you're addicted to a freakishly strong coffee, robbing banks to pay for it and living in the streets. You be better off getting hooked on crack. At least you have to work to find it.

9. Authorities arrested Brian Jackson, 31, for dating women by pretending to be Pittsburgh Steelers quarterbacks Ben Roethlisberger. This guy has no clue. Rule #1 when lying to chicks at bars is that you don't try and be somebody who is easily recognizable. You don't go out in Boston and say you're Tom Brady. I mean it's one thing to pose as a football player and quite another to try and be the starting QB of your hometown team. The fact that this guy made it as far as he did with the Roethlisberger alias is a miracle in itself. But if he didn't get so greedy with his impersonations he probably could still be dating these girls.

10. Rumor has it that Mike Tyson has found his next gig. Apparently the former heavyweight champion of the world is in negotiations with Jenna Jameson to appear in a porno flick with her. Now, we've reported on a lot of crazy shit over the past two years at Barstool Sports, but this very well make be the most intriguing news story I've ever heard. And frankly as a straight man, I'm not quite sure how to react to this. Previously, I was on the record as saying I would pretty much watch anything that Tyson does but I'm not sure I had porn in mind. I think I'd rather watch him wrestle a lion or enter a tough man competition than bang Jenna Jameson. As a side note have any down on their luck actresses ever gone the porn route like Iron Mike? And I'm not talking about "One Night in Paris"; I'm talking about full fledged porno movies. I can't think of any.

11. I'd like to pass a message onto all the online marketing gurus out there who may be reading the Stool. Stop making me manually close pop up advertisements. You are making me hate your company. There is nothing more frustrating to me than being forced to search for the little close box that you hide in your ad. It's like a miniature game of Where's Waldo and it drives me nuts. I've made a pledge to myself to boycott any product that irritates me with a non closing pop up ad for one month at a time. Currently Gatorade is getting boycotted.

12. Sienna Miller has received a public apology from fiancé Jude Law, who admitted to having an affair with his family's nanny, Daisy Wright, after reports of his infidelity surfaced in several tabloids. Though Law beseeched the public for privacy in the matter, Wright has no such hang-ups talking about her steamy encounter with the Cold Mountain star. "It was amazing," Wright told London's Sunday Mirror of her mattress romp with Law. "Jude was a masterful lover who made my whole body tingle." The nanny told the Sunday Mirror that her connection with Law began after the two attended a Robert Plant concert along with Law's child. When they returned home after the concert, they shared some wine and “the next thing I knew, he was kissing me--it was amazing. He felt so lovely. We kissed and kissed for what seemed like ages I was thinking, 'I cannot believe this. Jude Law is snogging me'," Wright told the paper. The next thing I know, we are dragging each other upstairs to his bedroom, kissing and then, in the bedroom, ripping off each other's clothes." After a wild night of sex, the two were discovered in bed by one of Law's children, Wright said. "The next thing I knew I heard the door open and the child was looking at me in bed. I was probably still drunk and opened one eye. I just thought I am not going to wake up, I am not going to move. I just lay there," Wright said. Sometimes I wonder how stupid people can be. Ladies, I got some advice. If you are going to hire a nanny make sure she's at least 200lbs and has been beaten over the head with the ugly stick. Hiring an attractive nanny is a recipe for disaster. So while Sienna Miller is partly to blame for this fiasco I still think she is within her rights to kill this Nanny. It's one thing to have an affair with somebody's husband and quite another to rub their face in it and that's exactly what the Nanny is doing. She is rubbing Sienna Miller's face in the fact she snogged her husband. That's grounds for murder in my book.

13. Actor Colin Farrell is suing a woman for allegedly trying to distribute and profit from a sex tape he says the two recorded with the agreement they would never make it public. The lawsuit filed Monday in Superior Court seeks general and compensatory damages as well as a temporary restraining order and injunction prohibiting the sale and exploitation of the videotape. Farrell, 29, accuses Nicole Narain of trying to distribute the tape through an intermediary. The two had an intimate relationship 2 1/2 years ago and both agreed that the 15-minute tape that shows the couple having sex would be jointly owned by them and would remain private, according to the suit. Here is El Presidente's official judgment in this case. If you make a sex tape you've got be prepared for the consequences. I think a good rule of thumb for celebrities is that if you don't want to have a sex tape floating around on the black market you probably shouldn't make one. As a side note, is it any coincidence that Nicole Narain is trying to release this tape 24 hours after word spread of Mike Tyson getting into the porn business? Nobody wants to go toe to toe with Iron Mike at the box office.

14. Super agent Drew Rosenhaus apparently saved a kid's life last week by administering CPR after a kid had almost drowned in a pool. Police confirmed that Rosenhaus, acting quickly in a moment of crisis, saved the life of 4-year-old Maurice Hill by administering CPR until paramedics arrived and took over the treatment of the youngster. Rosenhaus commented on his heroic act by saying "When I was in high school, I was a lifeguard, and had learned CPR. In a situation like that, instincts kind of take over, I think. Let me tell you, this is the happiest day of my life. To save a little boy like that, who has his whole life in front of him, it's incredibly gratifying." The only reaction I had to this story is "Fucking Rosenhaus".

15. The NCAA plans to begin more closely monitoring betting lines on games and to start background checks on baseball and hockey officials as part of its antigambling efforts. The moves are being made after an NCAA study last year found that 35 percent of male athletes and 10 percent of female athletes had gambled on college sports during the previous year. Rachel Newman-Baker, the NCAA's director of gambling activities, said Tuesday the group hoped to re-establish contact with the odds makers to watch for instances where heavy wagering has caused significant changes in point spreads or for the casinos to pull games off the board. "We want to know more about what is going on in Las Vegas," she said. "We just want to be more in the know." Such an exchange will be welcomed by many in the Las Vegas gambling industry, said Robert Walker, sports book director at the MGM Mirage casinos. "It is imperative that the public knows that they have a 50-50 chance of winning and that both teams are trying," Walker said. "Otherwise, it is WWF wrestling out there." My question is where was this legislation a few years ago when FSU QB Adrian McPherson clearly tanked a game vs. NC State? I bet the house on the Seminoles and it was clear after one quarter that McPherson was cheating. There have only been three times in my life where I knew foul play was involved as an event was unfolding and that was one of them. Another one was the UNLV vs. Wisconsin football game where the power went off in the stadium before the game could be made official. The final fixed event was The Amazing Race where ABC held the plane for Uchena and Joyce. As a side note, it's going to take a lot more than a few new rules and regulations to convince me that sports gambling is a 50-50 proposition.

16. The big news of last week was the announcement that Tedy Bruchi will miss all of the 2005 football season. And as much as this sucks, it was clearly the right choice. The guy had a freaking stroke just a few months ago. And as far as all those critics out there, who think the Pats can't win without him, give me a break. Bill Belichick has had months to prepare for this situation. In reality, he probably only needed 26 minutes to figure out how to fill the void. As a side note the silver lining in this story was watching Chris "scoop" Collins of the Improper Bostonian and NECN make a fool of himself. Collins broke the news that Bruschi would play this season just hours before the official announcement was made. I haven't seen anybody get worse information since the Duke's got bum advice on the orange crops.

17. Hall of Fame-bound Dan Marino says he retired five years ago only after rejecting an offer to play for his hometown team, the Pittsburgh Steelers. I had a chance to go to Pittsburgh," Marino said. "I don't think anybody knew that.”

You got me Dan. I didn't now that. In hindsight, I don't know how I slept at all over the past 5 years without knowing that you could have been the Steelers QB. Freaking Marino. How does he want people to react to this breaking news? Gee, congrats Dan on the offer you turned down five years ago. Marino is clearly a guy who can't get used to the fact he is retired. That's why he can never give other QB's any credit because he honestly thinks he is still better than all of them. Have you ever seen him at these QB challenges or superstar events? The guy is trying to win a ring in beach football every year. Listen Dan, Tom Brady has 3 rings and you have none. Deal with it.

18. There was an article in Saturday’s Globe by Chris Snow (whoever that is) about how Curt Schilling is physically ready to rejoin the starting rotation. While it was certainly great to hear about this development, the rest of the article pissed me off. The thing that specifically bothered me was hearing him make excuses for why he sucked vs. the Yankees last week.

''Everybody wants to get on Bronson [Arroyo] for the things he did the night before he pitched [performing a concert July 13], but I had my family in Disney over the All-Star break for a vacation," Schilling said. ''I didn't get back until Thursday morning." Schilling's vacation culminated with an appearance at ESPN's awards show, the ESPYs, the night before the Yankees game. He then flew all night with his wife and children, landing in Boston the morning of the game. ''I woke up when we landed, about 7:30 [a.m.]," Schilling said. ''I slept most of the flight and slept when I got home, but it was probably not the optimal situation, and that's nobody's fault but my own."

Listen Curt, you’re a great pitcher, but nobody wants to hear this crap. Nobody wants to hear that the reason you sucked is because you were too busy flying around the country living the good life. Imagine if in cube life a normal person screwed up an important business meeting and then admitted to his boss that the reason for the horrible performance was because they were too busy partying the night before? The bottom line is that I respect Curt Schilling, but sometimes I just wish he’d keep his mouth shut.

19. Lance Armstrong finally won the Tour De France. Thank god it’s over. As a side note I heard the other day that this guy is 5 feet 8 inches tall! HA HA HA!!

Reader Email

Email #1

Prez, I want to chime in on what a joke the ESPY's have become. ESPN announced the winners yesterday and Lance Armstrong won "Best Male Athlete" again. I don't want to rehash the same debate that has been going on for weeks about this stupid bike race but look at the other nominees that Lance was up against. Bode Miller (skier), Michael Phelps (swimmer), Vijay Singh (golfer) and Peyton Manning. Let me preface by saying when 99% of America doesn't know who you are (Bode Miller) you should automatically be removed from contention. What happened to the days when "Athlete of the year" had nominees such as (Barry Sanders, Dominik Hasek, Barry Bonds, and Michael Jordan). The fact that 4 of the 5 nominees are a swimmer, golfer, skier and bike rider makes this award a complete joke. Second tier sports should be separate categories at the ESPY's. I would have no problem if they had a "Second Tier Sport-Male Athlete of the Year". If Lance was winning this award, then I would have no problem with it. I just don't want to hear that Tom Brady and Tim Duncan's MVP Championship seasons weren't as good as Bode Miller's.

Legend

Didn't Bode Miller go to ski high school in Maine? I'm sure there were lots of great athletes rolling around those high school hallways. The entire student body was probably made up off two skiers, three inbred kids and a moose. Heavy competition.

Email #2

El Presidente I don't know what was worse, Leiter pitching a beauty against us or Miller and Morgan's shameless, repetitive gushing about the Yanks finally finding a "starter." It'll take more than one start to determine whether the old man is someone who'll give the Nation another cause for concern. I'm not a reality TV fan at all, but "The Surreal Life" is just too damn twisted for me to change the channel. I caught the preview for the upcoming season and Janice Dickinson verbally engaging in a high-volume "BITE ME" exchange with a kid with down’s syndrome at the bowling alley alone could vault her to the top of the all-time washed-up celebrity scumbag rankings.

Peace and 40s Kraus

Oh, that's not the half of it with Janice Dickinson. She was openly calling the kids retards to their faces. It took Balky to step in and tell her that may be inappropriate. It may have been the vilest act in the history of reality TV and that says a lot. Calling kids with mental disabilities retards can't be good karma.

Email #3

Prez, I went to see Wedding Crashers the other night, hilarious but it was a little long and the ending got cheesy, not as good as old school, but still stellar. Anyway, my question is when the frigg did they start playing commercials before the previews at the movie theater. This is absolutely ridiculous. And there were like 20 different commercials for everything from T-Mobil to the History Channel. I went to see a 5:00 show, and I looked at my phone right before the movie started and it was 5:26. That's absurd. There were only like 4 previews for movies and say they were 4 minutes long each, which is a stretch. That's still 10 minutes of commercials. And each commercial is only 30-60 seconds. That blows. I really have nothing insightful to say about this other than it is the worst decision made by the movie industry since they allowed Billy Bob Thorton to bang Angelina Jolie. I mean they have to have some say in that right?

-Kolin

Oh, the commercials at the beginning of the movies are one of my big pet peeves too! And not to be an insensitive prick, but I don't like when people ask for donations once I'm in the theater. It's especially unfair to guys on dates because of the guilt factor. I already paid my 9 grand on tickets and popcorn so just let me relax. I don't want you sticking some kid with the plague in my face asking me for money and then blasting me with 30 commercials. Let me spend my money, eat my popcorn and watch my movie in peace. By the way I sneaky like Zoolander more than Old School. There, I said it.