Random Thoughts

1. SPRINGFIELD - An unseemly melodrama involving the mayor of Agawam that erupted at a crowded downtown restaurant Wednesday has triggered a court action by the mayor against her alleged assailant.From her desk at City Hall on Thursday, Mayor Susan R. Dawson described getting clobbered by her boyfriend’s estranged wife as she exited the women’s room at Max’s Tavern. “All I heard was: ‘Susan!’ And I felt two fists in my hair, throwing my head back and forth, ripping an earring out of my ears and hair out of my head,” Dawson said, recalling a scene that unfolded at one of the city’s trendiest and busiest night spots. The mayor, 44, said she left the restaurant on a stretcher after being thrown to the ground and repeatedly kicked, eventually losing consciousness. Dawson said the woman who attacked her was Celeste Benoit, 61, of Longmeadow, the estranged wife of real estate investor Mark E. Benoit. According to police records, Celeste Benoit proceeded to choke a busboy at Max’s who tried to intervene, then fled in a red car with another woman behind the wheel. A police report from Wednesday’s incident states that Celeste Benoit spotted Dawson and Mark Benoit at the restaurant, and screamed: “What are you doing with my husband of 26 years, you whore?”  Dawson, in turn, called her “a skank,” the report states.  As if the cringe-inducing personal fallout was not enough, the very public incident occurred on the cusp of what is shaping up to be a contentious election year. 

Can you believe this happened at Max’s Tavern of all places?   I mean that’s like the Oak Room of Agawam from what I hear.  Just the last place you’d expect this type of type of violence to erupt at.   Anyway this Celeste Benoit must be one tough bitch huh?  I mean not only did she send the mayor to the hospital on a stretcher but it sounds like she choked out a busboy too.   Bitch is 61 years old and kicking ass like she’s the Fabulous Moolah or something.   Anyway as much as I hope this incident doesn’t effect Susan Dawson’s re-election bid I got to think this really cripples her chances.   I mean you make one mistake in an election that is as hotly contested as the Agawam Mayoral race and it’s lights out.  Bottom line is that there are lots of things the public can put up with but getting your ass whooped by a senior citizen and calling bitches skanks is not one of them.   It’s just too unMayoral for such an image conscious place like Agawam.

2. The Herald - Terrell Owens showed up for the Buffalo Bills voluntary workout sessions a few weeks late and wondering what all the fuss was about. With a shrug of his shoulders, Owens noted he wasn’t the first or only NFL player to miss a session where attendance isn’t mandatory. It just seemed that way to T.O., based on the headlines he generated after failing to arrive for the start of the program on March 23. “That’s the thing, what I find so unfair about it is that I’m not the only guy out of 32 teams that didn’t show up,” Owens said. “That’s what’s so frustrating about the whole thing is that everybody nitpicks at anything and everything I do.”… Owens also had a message for anyone questioning whether he’ll be a disruption. Breaking into a smile and standing before the press outside the Bills’ media room, Owens said: “No worries.”

I had to rewind the video of this press conference ten times to make sure that Owens actually said what I thought he said.  And he did. Owens is in fact bitching about how unfairly he’s being treated because the media is covering him.  TO.  That  TO.  The one who’s spent his whole adult life doing whatever it took… short of taking an American freighter captain hostage… to make sure that every move he makes is the top story on every sports outlet in the country, is complaining that his attendance at a team workout is a story.  The biggest attention whore on Earth has his panties in a bunch because he’s getting attention.  Oh, and by complaining about it, he’s drawing attention to himself.  TO is Octomom in shoulder pads, playing up his irrational need to be in the public eye in order to illicit more publicity for himself, then asking us to respect his privacy.  I give it until Halloween when he realizes that media-wise, Buffalo NY is a pimple on the ass of the NFL and does something over-the-top crazy like walking out on the team or another “accidental” non-suicide non-attempt just to get himself back onto the first three minutes of PTI.

PS.  For SportsCenter to even pose the question “Who’ll have a better year: TO or Randy Moss” is an insult to everything that is sacred.

3. WLKY - The shooting happened in the 5200 block of Ronwood Drive. Among the wounded is LMPD Officer Andrea Rice. According to Metro Police Chief Robert White, Rice was called to scene on a domestic disturbance call. When she arrived, she saw a nude man in driveway at the residence. “He was approaching the officer and she was telling him to stay back, and as he approached her, she started to go around her car to put some distance between them, and he followed her around the car,” said witness Larry Gaus. The suspect has been identified as Joseph Starcher, 24. According to a police spokesperson, Starcher tried to wrestle Rice’s gun away from her. Both the officer and Starcher were shot during the struggle Rice was shot twice in thigh. Starcher was wounded, as well. According to Police Chief Robert White, Starcher got Rice’s gun and shot his girlfriend and a neighbor. When backup arrived, Starcher was shocked with a Taser. “They Tased him and contained him, and all four were transported to the hospital,” White said.

Listen I love chicks. I love everything about them. I love putting my dick in them. I love touching them. I love letting them do laundry and cook and clean and shit. I even support their right to vote. But having said all that this is exactly why there shouldn’t be bitch cops. I mean how does the belligerent naked guy manage to wrestle the gun away from this lady and then shoot people with it? Seriously even the biggest feminist advocate out there has to admit no way this happens if it’s a dude cop. I mean come on. It’s rule #1 in the police academy handbook. Don’t let the naked guy steal your weapon. So even though we love you ladies here at the Stool, I’m begging you to leave the man jobs to men just like god intended. It doesn’t mean you can’t still suck a mean dick or still make a great lasagna; it just means you can’t be a police officer or anything else that has responsibility. No a big deal.

4. In a recent  survey conducted by Callaway Golf Co., men were asked “Would you rather play Augusta National or have a date with SI Swimsuit cover girl Bar Refaeli.” A surprising 78 percent chose Augusta over the swimsuit model. The survey also asked “Would you forfeit a week’s pay to play Augusta National,” to which only 60 percent said they would be willing to make the sacrifice.

Everyone’s saying they’re surprised by the results of this survey, but I’m not. You can make a poll say anything depending on you phrase the question. “Push Polling” is the oldest trick in politics, next to taking pictures of your opponent passed out next to a dead hooker. You call people up and say “Do you agree with Sen. Whiteteeth’s policy that your baby is cute and your silver-haired grandma is a dear, or his douchebag opponent’s stance that the American flag is ugly?” Then you issue a statement that says “Support for Sen. on the rise.” Marketing people do it too. If the Globe asked people “Would you rather read our award-winning sports coverage or the rantings of some dildos blogging while half drunk from their squalid homes” you’d probably say “sure.” But the Globe is going out of business and Barstool is bigger than ever with our awesome new layout.

So for Callaway to ask golfers if they’d rather date Bar or play at Augusta is vague at best and misleading at worst. “Date” implies sitting over dinner talking to her as some publicity campaign, like you’ve won a contest or a “Make a Wish” or something. If they’d asked “Would you rather spend a night fucking the shit out of Bar Rafaeli or shoot a 140 at Augusta because the greens are like landing the ball on the hood of a car and you’d go through a case of Pro V1s because your game sucks?” you’d get a very different answer. Still, the wording of the question doesn’t explain why 18% of America’s golfers think a paycheck is worth more than a date with Bar. That makes no sense.

5. Waco - A 33-year-old Houston man was being held in the McLennan County Jail on Wednesday after Waco police say he stabbed a man in the chest and leg because the man was passing gas in their room at the Clarion Hotel Waco, 801 S. Fourth St. Jose Braule Ramirez was sharing a room with three other men from Houston, including 35-year-old Juan Antonio Salano Castellano. While the other two men were outside the room talking on their cell phones, Castellano passed gas, “which upset Ramirez to the point he picked up a large knife and threw it at Castellano, striking him in the leg,” states a news release from the Waco Police Department. Ramirez then crossed the room, picked up the knife and stabbed Castellano on the left side of his chest, the release states. The other men came into the room and loaded Castellano in their vehicle to take him to the hospital. When they realized they didn’t know where the hospital was, they called the police and an ambulance, police said.

While I’m loathe to blame the victim of any violent attack, this Juan Antonio Salano Castellano should’ve known what he was getting into. Splitting a hotel room with a guy is a big step in your relationship, and before you take the plunge, you ought to know a little something about him. You should know whether he’s the kind of guy who understands that farts are funny, 100% of the time. And that the worse they are, the louder they are and the more in appropriate they are, the funnier they are. Some guys just flat out don’t get that simple rule of society. This story is very similiar to the incident on New Years Eve when I and some of my friends split a room and Davo pissed on Cliffy while he was taking a shower because earlier in the night Cliffy gave Davo a Bangkok and the more they screamed at each other about how what the other one did wasn’t funny, the funnier it was for the rest of us. But as mad as those guys were, they didn’t turn the place into The Hotel Room of Flying Daggers. JASC ought to choose his friends more wisely like I have, and not split a room with a guy who thinks farts aren’t funny. Lesson learned.

6. PORTSMOUTH - A 27-year-old man with admitted “sexual addictions” photographed teen boys in their swimsuits at Water Country for his sexual gratification, created phony MySpace accounts to solicit photos from Winnacunnet High School boys and trolled at least one high school sports event to obtain nude photos of boys. A Water Country employee said he saw Slye photograph and talk to a boy near the “Geronimo slide.” Eight days earlier, police allege, two 15-year-old boys told police they were at Water County when one of them had a backpack with a $500 cell phone stolen. Shortly after, the teen received more than 100 text messages from a stranger purporting to be a female named “Nikki” who communicated that if he wanted his backpack returned, he should send photos of himself bending over while wearing boxer shorts. During a subsequent interview with police, Slye said he “sees a doctor about his ‘urges’” and brought a stack of documents “dealing with sexual addictions,” according to the police affidavit. Slye also admitted taking “inappropriate photos of boys in bathing suits” at Water County, said it was part of his addiction and “admitted he has masturbated to photos that he had taken in the past of boys,” say police. Slye also confessed to a propensity for boys between the ages of 15 and 18 and having “an attraction to boys’ stomachs and torso,” according to the affidavit.

So he’s an ass man huh? Seriously though I’d like to think that this guy is going to be locked up for a long, long time, but I’m not holding my breathe. I mean you don’t have to be Roger Cossack to know that these charges aren’t going to stick. Because correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t Water Country like International Waters or something. (no pun intended) It’s just understood that what happens in the wave pool or lazy river stays there. And you do have to give this guy some credit. If you want to see people’s junk hanging out all over the place the Geronimo slide is the place to be.

PS - The First Lady’s younger sister went on a date to Water Country like 2 years ago. I was flabbergasted. Keep in mind she’s 21. I outgrew that cesspool when I was 8 years old. My baseball team went there on a trip and I was like I’ll meet you guys at fucking Rockingham Park.

7. WASHINGTON - Even though they didn’t win the World Series, the New York Yankees got to go to the White House. A group of 22 players, coaches and travel personnel were given a private tour Tuesday that lasted about 1 1/2 hours. Among those on the trip were Joba Chamberlain, Xavier Nady, Nick Swisher, Jonathan Albaladejo, Phil Coke, Ramiro Pena, Edwar Ramirez, Cody Ransom and Jose Veras. Coaches Kevin Long, Dave Eiland, Mike Harkey, Mick Kelleher and Rob Thomson came along on the tour, which was put together by former White House press secretary Ari Fleischer. New York had an off day Tuesday following a season-opening 10-5 loss at Baltimore.

Oh my god. Is this really what has become of the once proud and mighty New York Yankees? They have been reduced to begging Ari Fleischer for private tours of the White House because they can’t win an invitation from the President. For shame. For shame. Whatever happening to earning your private tours like the Red Sox have been doing for the past decade? I mean what type statement does this send to the rest of the sports teams in America? That whenever you are in the DC area you can just pick up the phone and ask Ari Fleischer to show you around. Bottom-line is losers shouldn’t get special treatment at the White House. They should wait in the tourist line like everybody else.   You’d think a franchise that claims to be as proud as the Yankees would known better. But I guess it’s been so long since they’ve won anything that they’ve forgotten what it feels like to be a winner. Sad day to be a Yankee indeed.

8. DETROIT, April 8 /PRNewswire/ — Boxing legend Tommy ‘Hitman’ Hearns and ‘Ginger’ the Casino Chicken faced off on Tuesday, April 7 for the inaugural ‘Chicken Challenge’ of Greektown Casino-Hotel’s ‘Chick-Tac-Dough’ promotion. ‘Ginger’ went 0-1-1 (one loss, one tie) against ‘Hitman’ Hearns.

Thank you, Greektown Casino-Hotel for destroying yet another part of my youth.   I mean, a day doesn’t go by that there isn’t some “ex-fighter finds himself flat broke” story, but seeing Hit Man Hearns reduced to matching wits with a chicken to make ends meet is particularly tough to deal with.  This isn’t a girl-beating coward like Mike Tyson or a scripture-quoting serial adulterer like Evander Holyfield; Hearns was great for boxing.  When the fight game still mattered and the Middleweight division was on top of the world with guys like Marvin Hagler, Roberto Duran and Sugar Ray Leonard, Tommy Hearns stood toe-to-toe with all of them.  Those four are responsible for some of the greatest sporting events of our lifetime, including this 1st round of the epic Hagler-Hearns clash, which still ranks as the best three minutes of fighting ever.  Now Hearns is playing Tic-Tac-Toe for money with tomorrow’s McNuggets.  It’s sad beyond words.  But on the bright side, at least he didn’t lose to the chicken.

9. BBC - A spray can help men with premature ejaculation problems prolong the length of time they have sex by six times. Men who used the treatment five minutes before having intercourse extended their love-making from half a minute to almost four minutes, trials showed. The spray, developed at the Royal Victoria Hospital in Belfast, contains local anaesthetics that numb the penis. For some 10 minutes in the sack may be enough, but for others intercourse lasting less than 20 minutes may be unsatisfactory. The men who tested the spray, called PSD502, were able to last 6.3 times longer on average. In comparison, men who tested a “dummy” spray containing no drug lasted only 1.7 times longer. And there was minimal transfer of the spray to the partners, meaning the men did not have to use a condom for this reason alone.

Let me just say this loud and clear. If a chick needs 20 minutes of sex before she can have an orgasm then she is one spoiled bitch. The First Lady gets 4 minutes max. If she can’t make it work don’t blame me. I don’t have the cardiovascular stamina or the other type of stamina to last any longer. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to Novocain my dick either. I mean what’s the point of fucking if you can’t feel anything? If I want to last longer I think about baseball, how much I owe my bookie or just get shitfaced beforehand. It’s worked for me for the past decade so I’m not switching now. So sorry but I’m going to take a pass on the dick numbing spray.

10. MAGNOLIA, Ark. - Sheriff’s deputies said a Texas woman started a brawl at a wake in Arkansas when she arrived with a beer can in her hand. The woman, 52, faces a third-degree domestic battery charge, as does another woman, 46, over the March 29 fight. Deputies said the first woman arrived at the Christies Chapel Church with a beer can in hand and that she refused to leave. The first woman then allegedly grabbed a man by the face, leaving scratch marks on his lower right cheek and causing him to bleed. The man’s mother then allegedly slapped the woman and kicked another woman in the chest. A sheriff’s report claimed the woman with the beer became “passively aggressive” with deputies and said that “no backwood country cop” was going to take her to jail.

I guess they handle things a little differently in Arkansas.  I’m not judging, mind you.  Grief is a funny thing and people deal with it in different ways.  Most of the wakes I go to are pretty tame affairs.  You walk through the line and give the family your condolences and they say little philosophical things about how grandpa is in a better place, then you go back to the house for drinks and finger sandwiches.  Who am I to say that’s better than walking in with a beer in your fist and turning the place into the “Double Deuce”?  It was the kind of wake where they sweep up the eyeballs after closing time…  I admit that the one thing I don’t get is the name “Christies Chapel.”  Does that mean they sell coffee and scratch tickets?  Or is a nickname like “Jesusies”?  And as much as I want to be understanding here, the one thing I can’t tolerate is passive-aggressiveness.  All that emotional dishonesty and learned helplessness behavior is no way to pay your respects to the dead, ever.

11. DICKSON CITY  - An 85-year-old Scranton man surrendered Monday to face charges he engaged in oral sex with a teenage boy while another man filmed them. Joseph “Pops” Gyuriska, turned himself in at Judge Pesota’s office at noon and was arraigned on charges of unlawful contact with minors, endangering the welfare of children, corruption of minors, and obscene and other sexual materials and performances.According to the arrest affidavit filed by county Detective Michelle Mancuso and Deputy Sheriff John Acculto, Mr. Gyuriska performed oral sex on the 16-year-old victim while they were filmed by Joseph G. Burns, 28, of Throop, with whom the youth had been living. The boy told investigators Mr. Gyuriska bought him a pair of black Nike Air Jordan sneakers in exchange. Mr. Gyuriska told investigators in a March 25 interview that he had sex with the teen only when Mr. Burns allowed him to, and usually there would be an exchange of clothing, shoes or money.

Wait a minute. Are we saying that the 16 year old kid was a victim here? Pfft. Clearly whoever wrote this never owned a pair of Jordan’s before. I mean I’m as straight as they come but I totally would have let ”Pops” suck my dick for a pair of Jordan’s back in the day and anybody who says differently is either gay or lying. Bottom line is what’s one BJ compared to how much middle school pussy you can pull while rocking these things. It’s all about risk -reward. “Pops” got to suck cock. Junior got a sweet pair of kicks. It’s a win win for everybody.

PS - If guys nicknamed “Pops” are molesting kids nowadays everybody is suddenly a suspect.

12. DETROIT - Police in Detroit have ruffled some feathers after they cracked down on an organized pillow fight at a downtown park. The Detroit News reports that police at Campus Martius Park prevented the feathery fight Saturday by disarming pillow-toting participants. The bout was part of a worldwide event organized on social networking Web sites. Other bouts included one on Wall Street, where hundreds pounded each other in front of the New York Stock Exchange. Michael Davis of Hamtramck, Mich., said police confiscated the 32-year-old man’s pillows but returned their cases. He said he was told that he needed a permit. Participant Scott Harris added that as far as he knows it’s “not illegal to own a pillow.” Detroit police spokesman James Tate said the issue wasn’t about the bout but the mess it would have created.

Well it’s comforting to know the people running Detroit aren’t wasting their time on a bunch of nonsense. Just because Forbes Magazine names you “America’s Most Miserable City,” your major industry is collapsing, your mayor’s been indicted, you’ve got an abandoned section of the city that’s larger than all of San Francisco, rampant crime and poverty and your football team just went 0-16. Detroit in 2009 is “Robocop” come true, except they don’t have a cop honest enough to put the hardware on. Therefore, there’s only one way to end the dystopic nightmare and bring the city back from the edge of complete collapse: Go after the pillow fighters. Get rid of those soft cushion-swingin’ troublemakers that have made the city unlivable. That’ll restore order and make Detroit safe once again. Remember, it’s all fun & games until someone loses an eye. Then you can focus on the real work of arresting guys who give their kids Mike’s Hard Lemonade by mistake at Tigers games and once again you’ll have a paradise on your hands.

In the words of that great philosopher Lee Trevino, no matter how hot a woman might be, “somewhere out there there’s a guy who’s sick of her.”  So let this be a lesson to all women out there.  You might think you’re great, that your relationship is solid, that he can’t live without you.  But the fact of the matter is you can’t stop trying to please a guy.  Not ever.  You can’t let up.  Not even for one second.  You might think you’ve met your burden and done your womanly duties and you can kick back with a cocktail and pass out.  But there’s always another woman waiting in the wings who’s sluttier than you, ready to give it up at a moment’s notice on a crowded flight, and maybe… just maybe… she’s a brewery heiress with a complete lack of modesty.  So don’t give up.  Never, ever give up.  If you think you’re too good to give him a Mile High Club handjob under the blanket, you’re basically driving into the arms of the hosebag sitting in the next seat and you’ve only got yourself to blame.  Consider yourself warned.  You’re welcome.

14. BostonHerald  - Tom Brady [stats ]  and  Gisele Bundchen’s glam Costa Rican wedding was marred by gunfire last night when security guards hired to keep paparazzi away fired at two photographers as they fled the scene with their film. No one was hurt. According to two spokesmen for the  INF photo agency, photographers were hiding in the brush near Gisele’s beachfront home taking pictures of the event when they were rousted by the newlyweds’ security guards. The photographers, identified as  Yuri Cortez  and  Rolando Aviles, were marched up to Bundchen’s villa where they were ordered to surrender their still photos and video. The men refused and fled with the security guards in pursuit. Two of the photographers ran to a waiting SUV and jumped in as a guard fired a shot at them. The bullet shattered the Suzuki’s rear window, passed between the two men in the front seat and bounced off the windshield.

I love it.   This is the definition of a warning shot.  No, not to the paparazzi but rather to the rest of the NFL.   No more Mr. Nice Guy.   No more only beating teams by 50 and 60 points.  You thought Brady was good during the first 3 superbowls he won this century?  You haven’t seen shit yet.   All last year did was make him mad.    You want to mess with the Pats?  Well prepare to take a bullet in the brain both literally and figuratively

15. KANSAS CITY, Mo. – A Kansas City mother and another woman are accused of providing alcohol to several girls during a birthday party that ended with two teens being taken to a hospital.  Prosecutors say 43-year-old Karen Christine Downs and 25-year-old Kelsee Guest are charged with first-degree child endangerment for allegedly providing liquor and beer to 13- and 14-year-old girls at a February party. Downsis accused of offering $10 to whoever could chug a glass of vodka the fastest, while Guest allegedly poured shots for the girls, prosecutors said.  Two girls who attended the party, ages 13 and 14, passed out and were taken to a hospital. One of the girls had a blood alcohol content of .218, nearly three times the legal limit, prosecutors said.  Officers said they found 60 to 70 empty beer bottles and several empty bottles of bourbon, vodka, and whiskey scattered throughout the basement of the residence.  According to the girls’ statements, Downs offered shots to the girls, but told the girls they could not tell their parents about it. When they ran out of alcohol, Guest asked the girls if they had money to buy another bottle of vodka, court documents show. Downs, Guest, and one of the girls bought more vodka, prosecutors said. One of the girls said she had beer and 9 or 10 shots of vodka.

Okay first things first.  I’m calling bullshit on the girl/narc who said she had 9 or 10 shots of vodka.     Honey if that were true you’d either be dead or have 3 dicks in you so cut the shit.   Now as far as the rest of this story goes if the mother is guilty of anything it’s just being bad party host.   Seriously how did she not invite any boys to this party? I mean what’s the point of getting chicks drunk if they can’t wolf down some cock? Not to mention the fact that every good parent knows that if you run out of alcohol at your kid’s birthday party you don’t ask the guests for money.  You got out and buy it yourself.    It’s not only bad party management, but it’s flat out bad parenting.  So much for leading by example huh?

16. Philly.com - Feeding picky eaters can be a pain. Just ask Lyndel Toppin’s fiancee, whose middle finger was almost chopped off when Toppin allegedly attacked her with a kitchen knife, according to Upper Darby police.The reason for the assault, cops say, was a poorly made meatball sandwich. Specifically, the cheese placement was all wrong, which infuriated Toppin. “That was the catalyst,” Toppin grabbed a knife from the other room and slashed her finger, causing a deep laceration, she told police at Delaware County Memorial Hospital, where she received 23 stitches to close the gash. Also, instead of chomping on the meatball sub that she’d made him, Toppin wrapped his teeth around his girlfriend’s left wrist and refused to let go, the criminal complaint says.”It was a barbaric attack,” Chitwood said.

With most stories like this there is usually something going on behind the scenes.   Maybe the fiancee cheated or there are some ongoing issues that we don’t know about.   But I don’t think that’s the case here.   You just can’t screw up a meatball sub and expect to get away with it.    Especially when you’re not even married yet.   I mean if this bitch is already getting lazy with her cheese placement imagine what she’ll be like in 5 years?    I don’t even want to think about it.   So this guy had no choice but to nip this in the bud.   I mean what’s the point of bitches even existing if they can’t cook, clean and fuck right?   Barbaric indeed!