Random Thoughts
1. BETHLEHEM TWP- Police say a 36-year-old township man furnished Freedom High School students with alcohol and coaxed teenage girls clad in cheerleader outfits to dance on a "stripper" pole in the basement of his home. Steven A. Russo, of the 2400 block of 15th Street, allowed his now 17-year-old son, also a Freedom student, to invite at least eight other students, ranging in ages from 14 to 16, to his home Dec. 12, according to court papers. The teens allegedly listened to Russo spin tales about his sexual exploits and drank vodka, rum and beer he gave them. They also mingled in the basement while he played music and shouted, "Get on that pole," according to a criminal complaint filed by Bethlehem Township police at the office of District Judge Joseph Barner. Also according to court documents: Freedom High School teacher Carrie McAndrews approached police with photos from the alleged party Feb. 4 and cheerleading coach Alicia Zito told police she was shown photos by a member of the squad culled from the social networking site Facebook. The photos show teenage girls using the "stripper" pole while dancing and two girls kissing Russo on his face.
It's true what they say, "No good deed goes unpunished." Steven A. Russo understands that kids will be kids. That no matter what you do, they're going to drink vodka, rum and beer, dance on stripper poles, listen to 36 year old guys tell sex stories, kiss him and put the pictures on Facebook and nothing is going to stop them. So what's Russo do? He gives the kids a safe, secure environment to do these things in. That way everyone can have good clean fun and no one gets hurt. And for his trouble, the sanctimonous tight-asses of Bethlehem Township treat him like he's some kind of scumbag with a creepy fetish for teenage girls in cheerleader costumes. Like he was going to keep those pictures and beat off to them or something. That's the thanks he gets for trying to be a responsible parent. It's persecution, that's what it is.
2. WTMJ - A man in Waukesha County is facing a misdemeanor charge for negligent handling of burning materials. Pewaukee Police say Steven Flaugher realized that some plastic had caught fire on his stove, but didn't try to put it out or call for help. Police say he was busy... watching porn.Eventually neighbors noticed the fire and pulled the fire alarm. Damage from the fire was minor. Police say he'd been drinking.
Listen Alan Dershowitz himself couldn’t prove that this guy was guilty of being negligent here. I mean my hair could be on fire and I wouldn’t notice it if I was in the victory formation, never mind noticing some bullshit flames near the stove. I believe it’s what athletes refer to as being in the zone. So there is just no way any jury would convict this guy unless it’s made up of all chicks. Or do chicks beat off too? I always kind of thought that was just an urban legend but it doesn’t even matter. Bottom-line is that you can’t be held accountable for what happens in the environment around you when you’re beating off. Not now. Not ever.
3. NEEDHAM, Mass. -- A local high school is considering giving students breathalyzers before they can enter school sporting events. Needham High School fans were on their best behavior at Friday night's women's basketball game after their principal announced a new policy Friday for all sporting events. The athletic director at Needham High told 7News that the assistant principals or the principal will carry the breathalyzer and if they feel a student is intoxicated, they will privately screen them. Students have mixed feelings. "It's kind of like paranoid they don't trust us at all so they think we're all drinking it's just kind of stupid," Stephen Farlow said."I guess it's a reasonable precaution just because our towns reputation for kind of behavior but I don't think it needs to be done regularly," said freshman Cynthia Highers. This is another step in attempting to control the sometimes rowdy crowds. In January, after a string of bad behavior, the entire student body was punished for poor sportsmanship by being banned from a hockey game against Dedham.
Ok on the surface I don’t have a problem with this. I mean High School students shouldn’t be allowed to be drunk at high school sporting events. So if you want to hit kids with a quick breathalyzer before they can get in that’s fine by me. But here is my issue. This is the same Needham principle who last month banned students from going to a hockey game because of “mean spirited” chants like 'Wellesley . . . Wellesley . . . you suck and, 'Put your clipboards away,' to MIAA reps who were there to observe our fan behavior." So now my perspective on this breathalyzer thing has changed. Instead of it looking like a rationale and necessary decision this just looks like just another step in this lunatic’s attempt to turn students into emotionless drones. I mean what’s next? Students need to wear straight jackets to games and be gagged? Listen jut because Principle Richards was a total loser in high school and got stuffed in lockers for a living doesn’t give him the right take out his insecurities on his students. I mean I think it’s pretty obvious this guy has some serious and deep seeded psychological issues. If anything he belongs in therapy not molding the lives of young men and women.
4. ESPN's AFC East blog - Circumstances surrounding the Matt Cassel trade keep getting curiouser and curiouser. The more we learn, the more inexplicable it gets... ESPN's Chris Mortensen has since reported there was a much better offer on the table, that the Patriots passed on the 12th overall pick in a three-way trade that would've sent Denver Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Mort and I have exchanged a few e-mails on the subject. Here is how he broke down the proposed three-way deal:
This one defies logic, but a source I really trust tells me it's true: The Broncos were willing to offer their own first-round pick (12th overall) to the Patriots for Cassel... But Belichick never embraced a trade with the Broncos, even though it was a head-scratcher on the value part (second-rounder versus a first-rounder). It suggests two or three speculative thoughts:
- Belichick has always valued second-round picks (he now has three) and didn't want to be stuck at No. 12 financially for whatever reason;
- Belichick had an agreement with Pioli all along and wouldn't break his word;
- Belichick isn't about to help another former assistant.
OK, now things are making more sense. Except for the part about Belichick not wanting to help a former assistant, which is a patently absurd claim by Mortensen. Pioli was a former assistant, McDaniels is former assistant. Belichick has a track record of doing anything to help out one of his former apprentices whether it's Romeo, Weis, Nick Saban, whomever. Eric Mangini is the lone exception because he's a two-faced, back-stabbing rat bastard and everyone knows it. Don't they teach these guys anything in Into to Belichick at Bristol?
But the part about The Hooded One being more interested in the 34th pick than the 12th? Implausible as it sounds, I can see it being part of his mad genius. After all, this is the man who got two franchise (literally) QBs with the 199th pick and the 230th pick, respectively. He's probably already got his draft pick targeted and knows he can get him in the 2nd round, so why spend top 12 cap money when you've got that kind of clairvoyance? And for Mortensen's second point? When you're a man of integrity and a loyal friend, sometimes you've got do the Right Thing, even if it means costing you in the short term. It's a "One step back, two steps forward" thing that only Men of Their Word can understand. And we're a dying breed I assure you. Anyway, I'm taking comfort in knowing that Cassel really did have 1st round value just like I thought, and that Belichick only settled for the 34th pick because he's not about to break a promise to a colleague. He'll win more Super Bowls, but he'll do it his way: with honor and integrity. Really, I'm touched. I'm having one of those "Fucking Catalina Wine Mixer" moments and I'm glad to believe in him again.
5. Boston.com - An assistant clerk at the Chelsea District Court was arrested by the FBI this morning on charges that he had sex with an accused prostitute in an empty courtroom while promising to help get a charge against her dismissed. James "Jim" Burke, 41, of Chelsea, made a brief appearance this morning before US Magistrate Judge Timothy S. Hillman, who released him on $10,000 unsecured bond and ordered him to return to federal court March 26 for a probable cause hearing. "It's a perversion of the legal system and a gross abuse of power,'' said Assistant US Attorney Brian T. Kelly, head of the US attorney's public corruption unit. The accused prostitute was in the Chelsea court with her lawyer in December trying to get prostitution charges dismissed when she saw Burke and confided to her lawyer that Burke had approached her when she was in the lockup at the courthouse on similar charges in February 2005 and offered to get her case dismissed if she provided sex, according to an FBI affidavit filed in federal court. The woman said Burke took her into a courtroom, where she performed oral sex on him. After her lawyer alerted the FBI, the woman began cooperating with agents and secretly recorded conversations with Burke, who allegedly acknowledged their earlier sexual encounter and offered to help her get the new charges dismissed if she helped him again, the affidavit says. Burke asked the woman if she thought it was "hot" that they had sex in a courtroom and told her, "It's good because it's like it's so bad,'' the affidavit said.
(Now back to our regulary scheduled programming) Whoa, whoa whoa. Since when does Oral sex count as sex? I mean what court employee hasn’t been at least blown in a courtroom before? Disappointing to say the least. And who the fuck does this prostitute think she is anyway? Honey this is what you do for a living! You suck cock! So spare me the whole indignation routine because this is as fair a deal as it gets. I mean I wouldn’t be insulted if somebody said they could get a lawsuit dismissed against me if I wrote a nice blog about them. I mean that’s what I do. It’s called bartering. Fucking slut. You don’t want people throwing trade proposals at you for sex then get out of the prostitution game. Perversion of justice indeed!
6. Inside Track - New England Patriotssuperstud Tom Brady - the region’s most eligible bachelor - reportedly tied the knot last night with his supermodel galpal, Gisele Bundchen, in a romantic twilight wedding in California.... The “very small and intimate” gathering consisted mostly of immediate family, including Brady’s parents, Tom Sr.and Gaylen, and 2-year-old son, Jack, by ex-girlfriendBridget Moynahan . The 28-year-old bride wore a form-fitting strapless ivory lace gown with a trumpet skirt, scalloped edges, long train and a floor-length veil with attached handmade satin roses and attached satin headband by her favorite designers Dolce & Gabbana, the magazine reported. Her three dogs also wore matching Dolce & Gabbana floral lace collars.
That's how you do things when you wake up every morning and piss excellence. You take this whole business of "Save the Date" cards and wedding invitations and guest lists and you shove them. Brady and Gisele have been looking reporters right in the eye for months now and lying about being engaged. Right up until last week when he was handing out laptops to needy kids, Brady told an interviewer they had no plans whatsoever to jump the broom. Meanwhile, Gisele was in Cali getting the dogs fitted for floral lace collars. Because he lives life like he quarterbacks. You try to take away the deep ball, he'll kill you on the underneath stuff. Try to blitz him, he'll spread 'em 5-wide and make you cover. Go to a dime package, he'll screen you to death or run it down your throat. Can there be any doubt in anyone's mind that as we speak, he's giving Gis the greatest honeymoon sex of all time? I bet he's got his first 15 sexual moves all scripted out with check down options and audibles based on how she reacts. And now he's just sawing her in half. Even Bridget can't do anything but tip her cap and congratulate him on a job well done.
7. NEW ORLEANS–A Louisiana woman is accused of trading two young children in her care for a pet cockatoo and $175 in cash. Donna Greenwell, 53, is charged with aggravated kidnapping. Also charged are Paul Romero, 46, and Brandy Lynn Romero, 27. Greenwell allegedly called the Romeros about a cockatoo they were selling for $1,500. After hearing the Romeros were unable to have a child, she allegedly offered the five-year-old boy and four-year-old girl for money. The Romeros couldn't afford it, so she agreed to trade the kids for the bird, plus $175.But she had no authority to put the children up for adoption. She's not their mother.
She didn’t have the authority to make the trade because she wasn’t the kids mother? Talk about getting tripped up on a technicality huh? I guess that’s what you get for being greedy though. I mean if she just did the Cockatoo for the two kids straight up she probably would have gotten away with it. But she had to try and be Scott Boras and push for that extra $175. Next thing you know people are asking question and digging into her past and find out she doesn’t even own the little fuckers to begin with and boom the deal is off.
PS – Just to clarify. So if this lady was the real mother this trade would have been legal? Interesting. I didn't know you could trade Cockatoo's for children in America. Live and learn I guess.
8. LAKE GENEVA, Wis. -- Nurses accused of photographing a patient and posting the pictures on the Internet have been fired. The investigation started with an anonymous call from an employee at Mercy Walworth Medical Center in Lake Geneva, with the allegation that a nurse took pictures of a patient with her cell phone and posted them on her Facebook page. Last week, the nurse told 12 News she never posted the pictures on the Internet. Investigators have since interviewed the nurse and said she offered more details. "There were two nurses that independently took a picture each of an X-ray of a patient," Walworth County Undersheriff Kurt Picknell said. The patient was admitted to the emergency room with an object lodged in his rectum. Police said the nurse explained she and a co-worker snapped photos when they learned it was a sex device. Police said discussion about the incident was posted on her Facebook page, but they haven't found anyone who actually saw the pictures. The nurse removed her Facebook page from the Internet last week. Without more, Picknell said this conduct does not appear to violate any state laws. He has referred the case to the FBI.
Are we really talking about whether these nurses took pictures of a patient with dildo stuck in their asshole and posted them on the Internet or not? Seriously are we really talking about this? We’re talking about practice? Practice?! I mean if anything these nurses should have been arrested if they didn’t take these pictures and post them on their facebook page. Because this is exactly why God created the Internet in the first place. Bottom-line is that all x-rays that feature sex toys stuck in peoples assholes need to be posted and mocked for everybody’s enjoyment. It’s the first fucking rule of internet. So I’m being dead serious when I say the fact that these bitches got fired maybe the greatest injustice this country has ever seen since slavery.
9. Tmz.com -- Move over, A-Roid -- Jewel has now taken your place as the face of cheating in pro sports. Alright, it's dancing ... but still. Jewel took to her blog yesterday to announce she is battling tendonitis in her knee as she prepares for the upcoming season of "Dancing with the Stars." But Jewel, unlike seemingly every baseball player, openly admits she is taking steroids to help her stay healthy. She writes, "Hopefully these steroids will really do the trick and I can keep bad flare ups at a bay in the future." It is unknown what ABC's policy is on performance-enhancing drugs in reality dance competition shows. Certainly if Jewel should go on to win, "DWTS" purists will call for an asterisk next to her name....
Well talk about the end of innocence for an entire generation of wannabe hippie chicks who went to college in the mid-90’s, this has just got to be devastating news. It’s obvious now steroids (and big cans) are the reason Jewel’s made it to where she is today in the world of crappy folk music and now in the world of crappy reality show dancing. It's just a shame. Brooke Burke was 8 months pregnant when she won "Dancing with the Stars" - I don’t remember her taking steroids. Whatever the case, this is another dark moment for America in the Steroid Era. And in a related story, according to reports, Big Papi is expected to rejoin the Red Sox lineup on Friday.
10. DENVER - A good Samaritan who helped push three people out of the path of a pickup truck before being struck and injured has gotten a strange reward for his good deed: A jaywalking ticket. Family members said 58-year-old bus driver Jim Moffett and another man were helping two elderly women cross a busy Denver street in a snowstorm when he was hit Friday night. Moffett suffered bleeding in the brain, broken bones, a dislocated shoulder and a possible ruptured spleen. He was in serious but stable condition Wednesday... Moffett's stepson, Ken McDonald, said the driver of the pickup plowed into his stepfather, but not before Moffett pushed the two women out of the way. When he awoke in intensive care, he learned of the ticket. "His reaction was dazed and confused. I was a little angry," said McDonald.
Boo friggin' hoo, Ken. Cry me a river. You can cancel the pity party, pal. The last time I checked, America was still a nation of laws. And we don't need a bunch of rule-breaking, outlaw thugs like your stepfather running around wiping their ass with the Constitution just because they want to play Frogger with old ladies. Jim Moffett wants to flout societies rules just so he can play the hero, then he can pay the price like Batman at the end of "The Dark Knight." You don't hear Bruce Wayne whining about how unfair it is. The bottom line is that if the Jim Moffatt's of the world want to do the jaywalking crime, they've got to do the time.
11. LOWELL -- A bus passenger angry about a possible strike by drivers threw a cup of hot coffee on a driver, then jumped off the bus and ran away when she chased him yesterday, police said. Driver Debra Kemp told police the rider was upset by a story in The Sun reporting the Lowell Regional Transit Authority is preparing for a drivers' strike if protracted contract negotiations reach an impasse. Kemp was in the area of Chelmsford Street and Industrial Avenue when the passenger told her a work stoppage would disrupt his commute to work. He then tossed the coffee on her and ran from the bus across a parking lot toward the Cross Point towers, said Police Deputy Superintendent Deborah Friedl. Kemp left her bus and passengers to chase him, but gave up and returned to the bus, Friedl said. Kemp radioed her dispatch center about the attack about 8:30 a.m., but finished her route before reporting the attack to police and going to a walk-in medical center for treatment. The odd thing is the passenger is not a regular passenger on the route. "The guy never rode the bus before, ever," Friedl said.
First of all how the fuck can the Police Chief say “this guy never rode the bus before?” I mean what kind of statement is that? It’s almost like he was trying to audition for Cops or something. Regardless, I like the way this coffee dude thinks. You want to interfere with his morning commute on the bus he has never ridden before? How about a little Dunkin Donuts in your eyeball? How’s that feel? Did anybody ever think that maybe just maybe if we had more people throwing shit when they read about something they didn't like in the newspaper as opposed to just sitting there like a pussy, this country wouldn’t be in the mess we are today. Did anybody ever think of that? It’s time to take back America! It starts today!
12. The Sun - A SEX-MAD Russian died after guzzling a bottle of Viagra pills to keep him going for a 12-hour orgy with two women pals. The women had bet mechanic Sergey Tuganov £3,000 that he wouldn’t be able to satisfy them both non-stop for the half-day sex marathon. But minutes after winning the wager, the randy 28-year-old dropped dead with a heart attack, revealed Moscow police. One of the women, named only as Alina, said: “We called emergency services but it was too late, there was nothing they could do.”
Ha! In your face bitches! Listen, don’t ever fucking doubt Sergey Tuganov ever again. If he says he can fuck you for 12 hours straight, you better believe he’s going to fuck you for 12 hours straight. That’s just how this motherfucker rolls! Sure he’s dead now, but that’s just semantics. Point is he won fair and square before he died. That money is his now. And watch out Viagra because Tuganov is coming for your ass next. After all I’m pretty sure there is no warning label on the bottle about not using Viagra for 12 hour orgies. I mean what’s the point of even selling this product if you can’t win a bet like this without dying afterward? I smell lawsuit. Go get him Sergey!
13. HYANNIS - A 24-year-old Marstons Mills man was taken to Cape Cod Hospital early this morning after walking into the Hyannis Fire Department seeking help for burns received after setting a fire in his car to keep warm. Patrick Larue, of 80 Sassafrass Way, was immediately treated for burns and smoke inhalation and then taken by ambulance to Cape Cod Hospital, said Lt. Roger Cadrin of the fire department. Larue walked into the station around 4:40 a.m., telling firefighters that he burned himself after setting a fire in his car to keep warm, Cadrin said. Larue told firefighters that he had been parked on Stevens Street, near the intersection with North Street, and was talking on his cellphone with the car running when the vehicle ran out of gas and stopped, according to Cadrin. Larue said he started a small fire in the car in order to keep warm, but put the fire out when he started getting dizzy, Cadrin said. The car, a rental, was “heavily damaged,” according to firefighters. Barnstable police are investigating. No further information was available this morning.
What do they mean, "No further information was available"? I need closure on this anecdote! Couldn't a spokesman from the Hyannis FD give us more information? Like where exactly Patrick Larue went wrong? Maybe some pointers on what we should do if we find ourselves in a predicament like this... out of gas in a heavily populated area of the Cape with nothing but a cellphone? Whatever do you do that situation? It sounds pretty hopeless and I can't think of any way out. I've seen every "Man vs. Wild" and every "Survivorman" and I don't think either one of them has ever dealt with that particular survival scenario. I'm guessing that Patrick took the only option available to him: start a fire inside the car and stay warm until he somehow gets rescued. He's lucky he kept his wits about him and made it out alive.
14. Redsox.com - The Boston Red Sox today announced that start times for 2009 regular season games played at Fenway Park previously scheduled for 7:05 p.m. will be moved to 7:10 p.m. This time change will not affect games scheduled for other start times, including Sunday match-ups as well as weekday and Saturday matinees. "During the week approximately 60 percent of our fans enter the ballpark after 6:30 p.m. Moving the starts by even a few minutes will give them a little more time to make it to Fenway Park from work or home, take advantage of pregame festivities and ballpark amenities, and reach their seats before the first pitch. And if fans are enjoying the game broadcast, they will have more opportunity to listen to the expanded pregame show on WRKO/WEEI or catch the first pitch on NESN," said Larry Lucchino, Red Sox President/CEO. Saturday night game start times were also moved from 7:05 to 7:10 to maintain scheduling consistency.
Please, Larry. This is Boston, not Tampa. When you throw out a lame excuse like "Our fans need more time to make it to their seats for the first pitch" you demean us and yourself. We know moving back the start time has nothing to do with accomodating ticket holders and everything to do with selling 5 more minutes of Giant Glass and Jordan's Furniture ads. And that's fine. We're a sophisticated audience. Saying you're doing this for reasons other than making money is like saying "We're raising the price of Fenway Franks because we want to provide our customers with the highest quality fillers and rodent excrement." Some of us were born at night, but it wasn't last night. Just admit you're in this to make money for John Henry and we'll get to our seat whatever time you say. We understand trophy wives like Linda Pizzuti don't come cheap.
So just level with us; we can handle it. Though I have to confess I smell a conspiracy here. The same way the White Sox changed their start time to 7:11 in an endorsement deal with 7-11, I'm guessing Lucchino changed the Red Sox start time to 7:10 as part of a deal with a different big, evil conglomerate.
15. BOULDER, Colo. — A University of Colorado student has been arrested on suspicion that she assaulted her ex-boyfriend’s genitals when she found another woman in his bedroom. Chalie Simon, 19, was arrested at 4 a.m. Saturday by CU police officers who responded to a report of a domestic disturbance at the Smiley Court apartments on the Boulder campus. Cmdr. Tim McGraw said Simon, a sophomore who lives off campus, went to her former love interest’s apartment in the early morning hours and began throwing rocks at his window. When the man opened the door for her and offered to let her come in from the cold, she allegedly became irate and tried to make her way into the man’s bedroom, McGraw said. After several attempts to remove her from the apartment, the woman allegedly grabbed the man’s genitals and “squeezed hard,” McGraw said. McGraw said the man told officer he started dating Simon about a year ago, and that they had broken up about 20 times since then.
This dude can cry me a fucking river. Listen I’m against bitches grabbing your junk and “squeezing hard” as much as the next guy. But what did this idiot expect to happen? I mean you can’t have your cake and eat it to. You want to keep fucking this psycho bitch that you’ve broken up with 20 times already in the past year? Then you got to take the good with the bad. What's that old expression? "Don’t hate the genital squeezer…hate the pussy that you can’t give up"
16. TAMPA, Fla. - The Yankees decided to take in a little pool action yesterday. This wasn't the kind in which they dipped their toes in the water to get a feel for the temperature, though. Joe Girardi, perhaps trying to shed the gruff image that followed him around last year in his first season as Yankees manager, decided to throw the team a curveball - or maybe cue ball would be more appropriate. Girardi eschewed the daily spring training routine and took the team to Peabody's in Tampa Palms for a billiards tournament. Although he initially ran the idea by some of his veterans, such as Derek Jeter and Jorge Posada, he didn't spring it on most of the players until they convened for a team meeting at about 9:45 a.m. "Everybody started laughing," Posada said of the reaction in the clubhouse. "We were going to have our little pool tournament, have fun. And that's the main thing. Have fun. Just go out there and have fun." "Today is one of those days that as a ballplayer, you'll never forget," Damon said.The idea was to build some camaraderie among the newcomers, young players and long-tenured vets while possibly inspiring some trash talk in the process.
Well... we're fucked. This off-season the Yanks acquired much needed starting pitching, another big bat in the lineup, and now this? Clubhouse chemistry? [Shakes fist in air] GIRARDI!!! I mean, if the team chemistry is anything like I imagine Joe Girardi's little dive-bar school trip seems to be, then we're in trouble. Damon and Nady, who can't make this month's rent, playing nine ball for monopoly money. A-Rod shooting with both his feet off the floor. Jeter telling the alchoholic regulars that he doesn't condone shooting when at least one foot is not in contact with the floor, and lets them know that not everyone is doing it. Burnett can't afford to shoot at C.C. and Tex's table cause they're playing for an average of about $21 million a year. Matsui shows up wearing only giambi's gold thong cause he misunderstood when they announced that they're having a "pool party." Yup... we're fucked.
P.S. I love this quote from Johnny Damon. "This is the day that as aBALLPLAYER you'll never forget!?! " Well said Johnny. Well said.
17. Foxsports - The feel-good story of the 73-year-old man who put a spin move on Father Time by playing basketball for a Tennessee junior college has taken another unusual turn. Apparently, Spanish isn't Ken Mink's favorite subject. Mink, who made national headlines by making the men's basketball team at Roane State College in Harriman, Tennessee, has been ruled academically ineligible by the National Junior College Athletic Association, according to the Knoxville News Sentinel. His team will be required to forefit one game, the paper reported. The NCJAA reportedly ruled that Mink had not maintained the minimum required number of credits an athlete must pass in a semester in order to remain eligible to participate in sports. "I told coach (Randy Nesbit) early on that I was having trouble in Spanish," Mink told the News Sentinel.
Listen if I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times. You don’t fuck around with the NCJAA. Those guys play for keeps. Anyway how would you like to be a teammate of this old geezer? He comes in and gets all this notoriety and fanfare acting like he’s Larry Bird or something. Meanwhile you’re the one dominating his ass in practice everyday. But does anybody notice you? No. All anybody wants to talk about is grandpa and his 1 minute of playing time each game. And now he goes and flunks Spanish and causes your team to forfeit. Not so cute and cuddly anymore huh? Seriously dude eat your fucking oatmeal and go home already. The gig is up old man.
18. EXETER — Exeter High School may do away with school dances because of what officials call inappropriate dancing. The idea upsets students, who blame a generation gap and say there’s no way to change the dancing style they’ve grown up learning. Principal Victor Sokul said he asked 19 students to leave a school dance on Friday, Feb. 13 after they were seen “grinding.” This type of dancing, in which two dancers rub their bodies against each other in a sexually suggestive manner, is not permitted per school policy, Sokul said. “They think we have sex on our minds but we’re just having fun,” said Sarah Mousseau, senior class president. “It’s been around since we came here as freshmen.” While they understand how it makes parents, chaperones and staff uncomfortable students say there is no way to change how they dance. It’s what they’ve grown up with.
First of all Sarah Mousseau can cut the shit about not having sex on her mind when she’s grinding. Hey honey can you feel that dick rubbing against your cunt and that guys hands creeping into your asshole? Pretty sure he’s not looking to play 4 square with you so spare me the whole “your panties just happen to be wet” routine. Listen I feel for the principal here. You don’t want a high school dance turning into Senor Frogs in Cancun. But at the same time you kind of owe it to your students to prepare them for college and grinding is almost as critical as typing. So I propose this. Only seniors get to grind provided the dance doesn’t take place on school property. And yes a senior can legally grind with a freshman. Basically as long as one senior involved anything goes including trains, penetration and all that shit. Everything else is grounds for getting kicked out of the dance. I think that’s fair don’t you?
19. Georgia - A Dekalb County judge on Thursday swatted down a request by former pro football player Travis Henry for a temporary cut in child support payments for one of the nine children he fathered by as many women. Superior Court Judge Clarence Seeliger’s ruling came at the end of a nearly all-day hearing on whether the former Denver Broncos running back can still afford to pay $3,000 monthly to the mother of his 5-year-old son. Henry’s attorney, Randall M. Kessler, said Henry cannot pay that much now because he’s no longer earning a paycheck in the National Football League and is in danger of going to prison on federal drug charges. Robert Wellon, the lawyer for his son’s mother, Jameshia Beacham, argued that Henry spent thousands of thousands of dollars on jewelry, cars, a new home and other purchases the former football player refused to name because of the pending criminal case against him.
There's nothing like a case like this to make you realize the whole justice system sucks. Stupid Superior Court Judge Clarence Seeliger sitting up there on his high horse not giving poor Travis a break. What's he supposed to do? Pony up $27,000 a month for those kids? What makes the judge think he wanted kids in the first place? I mean, is it really so complicated? Travis Henry wants sex, Travis Henry is gonna get him some sex? What's Judge Seeliger expect... he's gonna shove a crotchet needle up his urethra? Wear a condom? Condoms are for sailors. Running backs go bare back and that's just how it is. How's he supposed to help it if these women get knocked up? If some gold digging tramp like Jameshia Beacham... and the other eight women... want to breed like they're Nadya Suleman, I don't see how that makes Travis Henry responsible for picking up the tab. Well let's see how much you get out of my boy Travis when he's doing federal time and his income is $0. Then the joke will be on you, Jameshia. Until then, this is just blatantly unfair.
20. SMYRNA, Del.—Delaware State Police arrested a 27-year-old man who allegedly punched a woman while robbing a senior center on bingo night. Police said the 27-year-old and an accomplice entered the center about 9:30 p.m.Tuesday. They said the first man grabbed $1,200 in bingo money and destroyed a phone so that no one could call police. Authorities said the man then punched a 75-year-old woman in the head after she tried to fight with him. A Newark man got involved and chased both suspects out of the center. Police said the man then threatened the Newark man with a large stick and dropped $715 while fleeing the center. A police officer arrested the 27-year-old man after a short chase but the accomplice remains at large.
Well this is just a disturbing story on a number of levels. #1, the security at our nation’s Bingo halls is appalling. It’s non-existent, or in some cases, doesn’t exist. I mean what’s the point of retiring if you can’t play Bingo in peace? People would just work until they were 100 if that were the case. But more importantly #2, this story has got conspiracy theory written all over it. Listen, Bingo games at senior citizen centers are just as shady and corrupt as any other game at the senior center. Sure the old bag took a haymaker to the face, but wouldn’t you for $1,200? The kid who did it was probably her degenerate nephew. Think about it, it all adds up. Old bag yells “Bingo!”, collects $1,200, degenerate nephew comes in, punches her in the face and takes her winnings. Like I said, it all adds up. Anyway, as always we'll let the Stoolies decide. Vote 1 for conspiracy, vote 10 for legit.
21. PITTSFIELD —A city man charged with assaulting his longtime girlfriend was released on personal recognizance after his arraignment Tuesday in Central Berkshire District Court. Mitchell N. Haskell, 24, of North Street, pleaded not guilty to assault and battery, a misdemeanor, for allegedly choking his longtime girlfriend during a domestic dispute Monday, according to police and prosecutors. Kathlean Carnes, 27, told responding officers that the 6-foot-2, 220-pound Haskell — her boyfriend for the past seven years — pulled down his pants and passed gas in her face. That prompted her to splash a glass of water on Haskell, who got angry, grabbed Carnes' neck "and physically started to choke her," police said in a report. Haskell pushed Carnes to the floor and continued to choke her, police said. Carnes eventually broke free and dialed 911. Haskell admitted to the gas incident and to choking Carnes, police said, but insisted he was only "horsing around." When Carnes called the police, however, Haskell grabbed a knife and began "slicing at his left wrist in an attempt to hurt himself," police said. Carnes, who is unemployed, confirmed that she and Haskell were only "fooling around." But things quickly escalated after Haskell's behavior, her response to it, and his physical reaction, according to case records.
Man if I had a nickel for every time I read a story that started with a guy farting in his girlfriends face and ended with a 911 call, I’d be a fucking rich man by now. But seriously who says romance is dead? I mean this story seemed like it was ripped right from the pages of a Nicholas Sparks novel. The farting, the choking, the attempted suicide. It’s nice to know that the art of seduction is still alive and well in Pittsfield. Because make no mistake about it. Nothing makes chicks crave cock like ripping a fart right in their grill mix. It’ll get you laid 9 out of 10 times. Unfortunately for this guy this was the one exception that proves the rule. She was probably just in a bad mood because she was unemployed.
22. NATICK — Instead of getting a coffee from Dunkin' Donuts Tuesday, police say, a customer got his four tires slashed by an angry clerk. The coffee shop clerk, Thomas J. Zazulak, 39, of Framingham, was arrested at 4:17 p.m. after he slashed four tires on a Jeep Wrangler at the Dunkin' Donuts at 1362 Worcester St., Lt. Brian Grassey said. The victim, whom police did not name, had ordered coffee, but felt the clerk, Zazulak, was taking too long and decided to leave, which sparked an argument between the pair. "There was a long line, and after waiting in line, (the victim), ordered a coffee," Grassey said. "He felt it had taken the clerk a substantial amount of time to prepare it, so he decided he had waited long enough and left. The clerk took exception. Words were exchanged. (Zazulak) followed him outside, and continued with the disagreement." Zazulak was the only one working at the time, and other customers remained in line while the employee continued arguing with the unhappy customer. The argument took a turn when Zazulak took a large folding knife from his back pocket, Grassey said. "He slashed all four of the tires," the lieutenant said. "He slashed the tires on the left side of the Jeep, then he went around slashed the tires on the right side. He put the knife back in his pocket, walked away and continued to serve customers."
I can’t decide whether I think the Dunkin Donuts guy was justified in slashing his customer’s tires. I mean clearly he sucks at serving coffee. How else can you explain having a huge line at 4:17pm unless you’re giving out like 1 coffee every hour. But at the same time does that give the customers the right to try and embarrass him in his house? Because this was obviously a premeditated move. The guy waited in line just so he could get to the front and then refuse it. So I’d be pissed too if I was the clerk. I mean what’s next? People throwing coffees in his face? It’s all about maintaining line control. So as you can see I’m torn on who was in the right here? I guess this time we both lose Johnny.
23. BHUBANESWAR, India - An infant boy was married off to his neighbors' dog in eastern India by villagers who said it will stop the groom from being killed by wild animals, officials and witnesses said Wednesday. Around 150 tribespeople performed the ritual recently in a hamlet in the state of Orissa's Jajpur district after the boy, who is under two years old, grew a tooth on his upper gum. The Munda tribe see such a growth in young children as a bad omen and believe it makes them prone to attacks by tigers and another animals. The tribal god will bless the child and ward off evil spirits after the marriage.We performed the marriage because it will overcome any curse that might fall on the child as well on us," the boy's father, Sanarumala Munda, was quoted as saying by a local newspaper. The dog belongs to the groom's neighbors and was set free to roam around the area after the ceremony. No dowry was exchanged, the witness said, and the boy will still be able to marry a human bride in the future without filing for divorce.
How bad does it suck to be this dog? Not only is he forced to marry some infant with a tooth growing out of his face, but apparently this kid can still marry somebody else without even filing for divorce! What the fuck kind of bullshit is that? I mean you can’t even get a green card with that type of arrangement, never mind warding off wild animals. So don’t come crying to me when this kid gets eaten by a tiger because the dog told him the marriage was just for show. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Not even in Bhubaneswar.
24. FALMOUTH, Mass. (AP) — A Falmouth man is facing assault charges for allegedly striking another man with a golf club in an argument over manners. Police tell the Cape Cod Times that a 50-year-old man leaving a gas station in town on Monday morning held the door open for 38-year-old Carlos Navarro. Police say Navarro did not thank the other man, who responded by uttering a sarcastic "thank you." The two men got into an argument before Navarro went to his car to get a golf club, which he allegedly used to strike the victim several times in the stomach and legs. Police say the victim suffered minor injuries. Navarro pleaded not guilty to assault and battery with a dangerous weapon in Falmouth District Court on Tuesday and was ordered to stay away from the other man.
Here's a word of advice for Carlos Navarro's attorney: You do NOT want me on your jury. Let me be clear: I'm not morally opposed to smashing a 50 year old guy about the stomach and legs with a golf club. We've all done that. I can think of a thousand circumstances where your client's actions would be justified. I would've done it this morning when a guy took all day to pull out of a parking spot at Dunkin Donuts, but it was too cold to get out of the car. But there's not a legal argument you can make for Carlos' failure to say "Thank you." None. Would it have killed him? A simple "Thanks, brother" as he walked through the door? He's lucky the guy only answered him with a little sarcasm. I would've given Navarro a "You're welcome in the form of a Harvey Penick graphite-shafted 5-iron off the temple. That is, if I bothered to hold the door for him, which I wouldn't. That particular gesture of kindness ended for me the day little snotbags like your client started letting their sense of entitlement get in the way of the manners Irene & Bud drilled into their baby boy. So if it's up to me, Carlos Navarro gets life imprison for this, where he'll learn the proper etiquette of being some murderer's cell bitch.
25. NEW ALEXANDRIA, Pa. -- Two-time Super Bowl champion Jeff Reed faces criminal charges this weekend after an alleged incident in Westmoreland County. Reed, 29, one of the most effective field goal kickers in the NFL, was charged with disorderly conduct and criminal mischief shortly before 3 a.m. Saturday. According to a state police press release, Reed damaged a towel dispenser inside the men's room at a Sheetz gas station on Route 22 in New Alexandria after he became infuriated that it did not contain towels. Store employees told state police that they heard Reed "banging on something and that it was really loud." The employees said Reed then left the bathroom "using profane language in a loud manner" and stating that there were no towels in the restroom.
Nice to see it's all starting to unravel for the Steelers. Hey, it happens. Some teams can handle the success of winning multiple championships and some don't. For your great teams, winning just makes them hungrier for more winning, they work harder, pay the price and become dynasties. Those are the rare ones. Most of the time, teams start believing their own press and fall into that party lifestyle. Then the competitor gets taken right out of you and instead of it being about winning, it's about drunkenly looking for paper towels in a gas station men's room at 3AM. Well I'm promising you right now, this is only the tip of the iceberg. The wheels are coming off Pittsburgh's dynasty. Before you know it Reed and all his good time buddies on the Steelers will be scratching their names on the doors of the toilet stalls, clogging the urinals with paper towels and running the hand driers even after they're done using them. If I remember correctly this is exactly how it ended for the Bears of the mid-80's.