from the February 18, 2009 issue

Random Thoughts

1. PORTSMOUTH — The state's top liquor law enforcer suggests a one-drink-per-hour law is a better way to revise state law than a bill supported by a group of local restaurant and bar owners and workers. The local group wants to add the phrase "knowingly serve" to the law concerning responsibility in serving alcohol to underage and intoxicated customers. Edwards' proposal says that operators can serve one drink per hour, four at a sitting. One drink is defined as 1 ounce of spirits, 5 ounces of wine or 12 ounces of beer. "Here's the criteria — you can only consume so much alcohol," Edwards said. "If I give you four, five drinks an hour, you should know that this makes someone intoxicated."

1 drink an hour? Umm is this guy fucking insane? Never mind the fact that this would be impossible to enforce, but what’s the point of even going out if you can only get 1 drink every 60 minutes? I literally had to reread this article like 20 times to see if I was something because it seems so outrageous, but I don’t think I am. So much for the Live Free or Die state huh? Seriously this may be the most preposterous piece of legislation I’ve ever heard in my life. You might as well just blow up the entire nightlife industry if you’re going to start doing shit like this. When will people learn? There is nothing you can do to stop people from getting shitfaced. It’s happened from the beginning of time in every country and every civilization on the planet. Passing laws like this will only cause people to go to house parties and drink twice as much.

2. CHARDON, Ohio - A woman pleaded guilty to reckless homicide for exercising her 73-year-old husband to death in a swimming pool. Police in Middlefield, Ohio, said surveillance video showed 41-year-old Christine Newton-John pulling James Mason around the pool by his arms and legs and preventing him from leaving. Mason had a heart attack on June 2 after the extended swim session. Newton-John pleaded guilty Thursday and faces up to five years in prison. Police Chief Joseph Stehlik said he counted 43 times on the videotape in which Newton-John prevented her husband from leaving the water. He said Mason rested his head on the side of the pool several times while gasping for breath. Stehlik says Mason's death was investigated because of previous complaints that he was abused. Mason was a longtime friend of his wife's family. He knew her as John Vallandingham before she had gender reassignment surgery in 1993 and changed her name. They married in 2006.Police did not immediately respond to a call Saturday seeking comment on a motive.

So let me see if I got this straight here. The husband who got swam to death met his wife when she was a man and married her after she got a sex change and became Oliva Newton John? Well if I've said it once I've said it a million times. This is why you don’t marry chicks who were once dudes. Because not only can’t you always overpower them into having sex with you and cooking and cleaning, but sometimes they can actually overpower you and exercise you to death. That’s why I thank god everyday the First Lady was never a guy. Because lord knows if it were up to her, she’d have me on a treadmill 24/7. Luckily though she's not strong enough to force me to work out. I just push her aside like a fly and order some more pizza.

3. SALT LAKE CITY (AP) -- A Utah woman listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for her long fingernails has lost them in a car crash. Lee Redmond of Salt Lake City sustained serious but non-life-threatening injuries in the accident Tuesday. Redmond's nails, which hadn't been cut since 1979, were broken in the crash. According to the Guinness Web site, her nails measured a total of more than 28 feet long in 2008, with the longest nail on her right thumb at 2 feet, 11 inches.

NOOOOO!!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!! It’s just not fair! And I thought the Pats losing the Superbowl in the final seconds was bad? This puts the “T” back in tragedy. Seriously I guarantee this lady is dead by the end of the year. I’m not sure if it will be from suicide or just the lack of will to live, but when you have a taste of the big time and then suddenly have it stolen from you like this it's impossible to still go on.

4. I had pizza last night for the 3^rd time this week. That pretty much puts me right on schedule. I mean if Vegas was setting the line on how many times I order a pie in a 7 day cycle it would be totally be 3. Sometimes I go over. Sometimes I go under. In other words it’s an impossible bet. Anyway every time I get to #3, I start feeling gross about myself and wonder whether this is normal. Yes, I do buy a salad with it every time, but that’s just for show. So I’m throwing this out to the Stoolies. How many pizzas do people eat a week? Is 3 normal? Or am I disgusting? Either way I don’t know what else to do. The First Lady doesn’t really cook or go food shopping (apparently she didn’t read the how to be a chick manual) so what choice do I have? It’s pizza or bust 99% of the time.

5. FEBRUARY 12--Meet Curtis Pickard. The Georgia student was arrested this week after he allegedly used his cell phone to take "upskirt" photos of a teacher, which he then showed to fellow high schoolers. According to a Columbia County Sheriff's Office report, Pickard, 17, surreptitiously snapped photos of Greenbrier High School teacher Ellen Hotchkiss on Monday. After several students on Tuesday told a school safety officer that he was showing the photos around, the officer seized Pickard's phone. The 33-year-old Hotchkiss, pictured at right, examined the images and " identified her legs and underwear from the previous day." Pickard was charged with unlawful eavesdropping or surveillance and booked into the Columbia County Detention Center, where the below mug shots were taken. He was released after posting $2600 bond on the felony rap.

Listen I’m not going to sit here and defend this kid. If you get busted trying to take upskirt pictures of your teacher then you need to be a man and accept your punishment. But I’m not exactly feeling like the teacher was an innocent victim either. I mean don’t they teach you how not to flash your coochie to your students on day 1 of education classes? I mean seriously how did this kid get a picture of her underwear? It was almost like she was daring him to do it. And I’m sure this wasn’t like a one time thing either or else this kid wouldn’t have been ready to pounce. So I don’t want to say this lady had it coming, but at the same time she kind of did. So yeah punish the kid, but let’s set the ground rules so it's an even playing field from now on. Either the teacher wears pants or it is fair game for her students to take pictures of her pussy moving forward.

6. The Herald- Some Boston College professors and students are raising a holy ruckus over the Catholic school’s return to its religious roots by hanging crucifixes in all its classrooms, calling the move “offensive” and a break from the Jesuit tradition of tolerance. Amir Hoveyda, head of BC’s chemistry department, blasted the school in an e-mail to the Herald for “not being interested in an exchange with its faculty members.” ... Hoveyda described the crucifixes as “offensive” and the university’s actions as “anti-intellectual. I can hardly imagine a more effective way to denigrate the faculty of an educational institution,” he is quoted as saying. “The insult is particularly scathing, since such symbols were installed without discussion . . . in a disturbingly surreptitious manner.”... [S]ophomore Alex LoVerde, 20, believes a crucifix “pushes the Catholic religion” and does not belong in a classroom. “I think the Jesuit tradition is more of openness and tolerance,” LoVerde said. “I think that an overt display of crucifixes is not what the Jesuits would have had in mind.”

Barstool Sports is the Undisputed Last Place on Earth to have a religious discussion of any kind. So I'm reluctant to post this, but honestly my blood has been boiling ever since I read this. I'm not the least bit interested in anyone's opinion of the Catholic Church or its most iconic symbol. I'd just to point out, for anyone who's missed this subtle point which seems to apply to everyone on Chestnut Hill, that Boston College is a freaking Catholic school! And the last time I checked, they weren't rounding up snot nosed little virgins like Alex LoVerde or angry, anti- First Amendment chemists like Amir Hoveyda and forcing them to attend and work there. I'm pretty sure that the same door that let them in also swings out if they're so mortally offended. And what, exactly, are they so verklempft about anyway? What's their cause? The separation of church and church? Something like this would never happen at Notre Dame, where I have to think the CSC guys would tell anyone who complains to go piss up a rope.

For the life of me I can never figure out what BC is all about. Superfans get mortally offended by one of their students posing on the cover of Barstool. Gene DiFillipo hates Jeff Jagodzinski for "breaking a promise" to him three years after he broke a promise to the Big East saying BC wouldn't leave. Now they go into apoplexy over a bunch of Jesuits displaying a Jesuit symbol. I mean if I go to the Waffle House, I don't get upset if they've got waffles on the menu.

7. Myfoxorlando - Three people were arrested after deputies said a fight started after a brother assaulted his sister with a pan full of dog poo. Deputies were called to a residence on Princeton Road in Volusia County Monday afternoon after a report of a fight. The sister, Stacy Rash told officers that her brother Michael Rash was stuffing a pan filled with dog feces in her face and she told him to stop. The two began fighting and the brother grabbed her by the hair and began to drag her outside. The sister said that as her brother dragged her outside, she believes she accidently hit her brother’s girlfriend Kaylee Whitrock. The girlfriend then struck the sister and the two began to fight. The brother separated the two and while the sister was being held back by the brother the girlfriend walked up and punched the sister. The girlfriend then grabbed a nearby broom and hit the sister on the head and face. The fight was broken up when the mother of the sister and brother showed up. The brother then grabbed a loaded gun pointed it at the sister and the mother and told them that if they didn’t leave he would shoot them. Deputies arrived and during their investigation the brother said that the fight started after a verbal argument over cleaning a dog crate escalated. According to the mother she knocked the gun away and the clip fell out. She said that she then picked up the clip and threw it across the street.

Wow. This story was like a tour de force in mayhem. Kind of like an action movie that grabs you in the opening scene and never let’s go. I mean from the dog poo getting smashed in the sisters face, to the girlfriend breaking brooms over people’s heads, to guns being pulled out on people, to the mother swooping in and playing the role of the hero, it was just one big explosion after another. Seriously Jerry Bruckheimer would have to be an absolute idiot not to buy the rights to this script. It has Oscar written all over it.

8. MOUNT PLEASANT, Mich. (AP) - Central Michigan and its women's basketball coach are being sued by a former player, who claims her heterosexuality was a factor in losing a scholarship after two seasons. Brooke Heike said she fell out of favor with Sue Guevara immediately after the coach was hired in 2007. Heike said Guevara told her she wore too much makeup and was not the coach's "type." That meant she wasn't a lesbian, according to a lawsuit filed last week in federal court in Bay City.

Listen, I like chicks who crave dick as much as the next guy, but you can’t blame the coach here. I mean I’d do the same exact thing if I were her. Seriously who would you rather have on your hoops team? A girl who wears makeup, cares about her fingernails, showers and wants to look pretty or a smelly brute with a butch haircut,who looks like Rebecca Lobo and will run face first into a brick wall for a loose ball? It’s a no brainer. Everybody knows you can’t win in women’s hoops with heteros. They need to stick to the pretty sports like soccer, cheerleading and the kitchen.

9. FALMOUTH — Six middle school students could face child pornography charges after snapping a photo of a nude female classmate and distributing it through their cell phones, a practice known as "sexting," according to police. The group of six boys, ages 12 to 14, were not arrested, police said, but will be summonsed to Falmouth District Court. The charges vary depending on the individual but include possessing or exhibiting a photograph of a child in a sexual act, distributing material of a child in a sexual act, and possession of child pornography — all felony charges. On Jan. 15, police said they were contacted by Paul Fay, principal of the Lawrence School, after he discovered a photograph of a naked 13-year-old girl on the cell phones of six male students. Police said the cell phones were confiscated immediately, and they do not believe the picture was sent elsewhere or posted on the Internet. One of the boys allegedly took the photo of his 13-year-old girlfriend with his cell phone, then sent it to friends electronically, police said. Falmouth Supt. of Schools Marc Dupuis said, first and foremost, "we have no evidence that this occurred in the school or on school grounds." He said school officials are currently working on bringing in guest speakers to inform students on the dangers of "sexting," and all parents at the school will be receiving a letter regarding the subject."We're taking this very seriously and working to inform parents to talk to their kids about the seriousness and inappropriateness of this kind of behavior," Dupuis said. Dupuis said the six boys are currently still in school and have not, as of yet, been suspended.

Okay first of all the cops can calm down with using the term “sexting” to describe this “crime”. I’ve never heard anybody use that phrase before in my life. I think the police just made it up to make themselves seem hip or something. Either way this whole thing is a joke. Listen it would be one thing if the dude who took this picture was like 18 or if he did it without his girlfriend’s consent, but that’s not the case here. Everybody is the same age and this girl knew exactly what she was doing. She was getting freaky and she liked it. I mean come on people! It’s 2009. Anal is the new holding hands. So everybody knows that once you let somebody take a naked picture of you it belongs to the world. That’s just the way it works nowadays. If you really want to stop “sexting” then tell girls to stop acting like little sluts or lock up your daughters until they are 40, but don’t punish boys for being boys. Because that’s not the America I want to live in.

10. Bradenton - A father remained in jail Tuesday night after he allegedly let his 8-year-son son drive a van, which took out a couple of trees and nearly hit two pedestrians in a parking lot, according to Bradenton Police reports. Police arrested Mark A. Belanger, 34, of Sarasota, on charges of child abuse just before midnight Sunday in an Albertsons parking lot in the 4600 block of Cortez Road. Belanger told police he was “feeling woozy and didn’t want to drive.” He also told them he let his child drive “because he wanted to have a bonding moment with his son.” Witnesses said the boy crashed the van into a tree, shattering the driver’s side rear window, after the two coaches got out of the way. The boy then crashed a second time into a tree, damaging the car’s radiator, the police report said. When police arrived, Belanger fell to the ground after he dropped his wallet. When he fell, he slammed his face on the pavement, leaving a gash on the bridge of his nose. The boy told police his father took “liquid medicine in order to feel better.” He pointed to an empty bottle of Canadian whiskey in the vehicle.

So let me see if I got this straight? The kid crashes the car not once, but TWICE causing his dad to collapse in pain and smash his face on the pavement and the dad gets charged with child abuse? Umm, what planet am I on? And then the kid has the balls to tell the cops that his dad was drinking. Well maybe if you weren’t driving like a fucking lunatic he wouldn’t have needed his liquid medicine. Did you ever think of that? Seriously this guy got framed like a motherfucker. I mean it’s not like his kid was driving on the MA Pike. They were in a parking lot. It’s parenting 101. Seriously how else are you going to teach your son to drive?

11. HONG KONG—An American woman convicted in Hong Kong of killing her banker husband by serving him a laced milkshake and then bashing him on the head won approval Tuesday to move ahead with her appeal. Kissel was found guilty of murder and sentenced to life in prison in 2005 in the case widely referred to as the "milkshake murder." She was convicted of drugging her husband, Robert, with sedatives in 2003 and then bludgeoning the wealthy banker on the head with a metal ornament. Nancy Kissel, dressed in a black skirt and black cardigan, smiled and appeared calm as a three-judge panel granted her request to file a second appeal before the territory's high court... Kissel said her husband, a 40-year-old investment banker for Merrill Lynch, was an erratic whiskey-swilling workaholic who also snorted cocaine and forced her to have painful anal sex.

I try... I really, honestly try... not to blame the victim in cases like this. But if you're going to force your wife to give you painful anal sex, you leave yourself wide open (pardon the pun) to having her slip you a mickey, bludgeon you to death and to have sympathetic judges approve her appeal. Woman and judges both can overlook a lot of transgressions... even your erratic, whiskey-swilling workaholism... but going after her balloon knot when she's not ready, willing and able is just asking for trouble. An invitation for her to drink your milkshake and drink it all up, so to speak. I've got to think the panel of judges was either made up of women who got Donkey Punched by their own husbands or by men who finally talked their wives into it only to spend the next couple of weeks in the Doghouse. The bottom line (sorry) is, you've got to establish that anal stuff is in play early in a relationship otherwise you'll wind up at the unsympathetic victim in your wife's murder trial. Let this be a lesson to us all.

12. BOSTON -- A woman said that she found several pornographic pictures on a loaner phone that a local retailer provided her with while her phone was being repaired. Ruthis Phillip, of Boston, went to Best Buy to have her cell phone serviced. Because it had to be sent out for repairs, Best Buy provided her with a phone to use until hers was fixed. When Phillip got on the bus to go home, she started looking through the phone's different settings and found 23 pictures in the phone, most of them pornographic."It's not fair. It's not fair to me to pick up a telephone that you loan me, that you loan me, and look at some trash like this," Phillip said.

Wah, wah, wah. Seriously cry me a fucking river. So you got a little dick, maybe some tits and ass on your cell phone. Big fucking deal. The bigger question is why were you going through other people’s photos to begin with? That’s rude as hell. And what the hell is a loner phone anyway? I’ve never even heard of that. I guess that’s what happens when you buy your cell phones at Best Buy. That’s ghetto as hell. Everybody knows you go to a phone store for phone shit.

13. NYPOST - MICHAEL Phelpswins no gold medals for party games. At the same South Carolina house party where he was snapped sucking on a bong, the Olympics hero lost a pile of money betting in a high-stakes session of the drinking game beer pong, in which players wing pingpong balls into plastic cups. "I saw Phelps pull out a roll, a bank-wrapped $2,000. He said, 'I'll match the $2,000,' " onlooker Michael Whitworthtold the State newspaper. "Good ol' Phelpsie lost it, too."

People who have been following Barstool Sports for the past year know that I despise Michael Phelps. It’s not his fault really. I just hate the Olympics, I hate swimming and I hate how everybody was saying he was the best athlete in the world, blah, blah, blah. It was Michael Phelps overkill. But guess what? With all this controversy the last couple weeks I’m actually starting to like the guy now. Listen nobody wants to root for some goody two shoes who thinks his shit doesn’t stink. Give me the guy who smokes dope, goes to the strip club and bets 2 grand on Beirut. Give me the guy who I could be buddies with. That’s who I want to root for. I just wish Phelps would tell everybody to go fuck themselves already and stop apologizing. If he loses his sponsorships so be it. The Stool will still sponsor his ass in t-shirts. Because the only thing he is guilty of is being an idiot and letting people take pictures of him while he was smoking a bong. Other than that he didn’t do anything wrong. He knows it. You know it. Everybody knows it. But that hasn’t stopped the holier than though media from running with a story and acting like he killed somebody. Give it a rest already. He’s a normal 20 something year old dude doing what normal 20 something year old dudes do. He should be celebrated for it, not condemned for it.

14. HYANNIS — It was a good news-bad news sort of day for Allahmanamjad Barbel when he showed up at the Barnstable police station at 2 p.m. yesterday with police-issue handcuffs dangling from one wrist. The 21-year-old told police that he had just come from a child's birthday party in Hyannis, where his younger sister sneaked up behind him and slipped the cuffs onto one wrist. Then they discovered no one in the house had a key to the cuffs, and no amount of pulling, pushing or trying to cut through the Smith and Wesson police-issue handcuffs was going to free him, Barnstable police Sgt. Sean Sweeney said. So Barbel stopped by the police station and asked for a key. There he encountered suspicious police officers."We said, 'Come right through this door, young man,' " Sweeney said. "'Step right this way and we'll look at this in a better light.'"Sweeney and Challies examined the cuffs, questioned Barbel about the circumstances, checked out his story about the party, and ran his name through the state warrant system. The good news for Barbel was police had a key that unlocked what did turn out to be police-issue cuffs. Police never did confirm where they came from. The bad news for Barbel was they put a new set on him as they arrested him on warrants issued out of Falmouth District Court on charges of driving with a suspended license, leaving the scene of an accident, threatening to commit a crime, and making annoying phone calls."He asked if we used the cuffs he'd come in with, but no, we got a brand new set for him," Sweeney said.

This just doesn’t seem fair to me. If you show up at a police station needing help from the Cops they shouldn’t be able to arrest you on outstanding warrants. It’s like calling goals in tag. I mean what was this kid supposed to do? Just walk around with handcuffs on him for the rest of his life? The proper protocol here is that you help the kid out, release him back into the wild and then hunt him down later. It’s just the right thing to do.

PS – This is like the 5^th time in the past couple months I’ve seen somebody charged with making annoying phone calls. How does that work? Can I report people to the police who annoy me? If so my mother better watch her shit. No more trying to call me on like 6 different numbers mom. I know it's you. I'm not picking up for a reason. No, I won't fucking call Nana today!

15. Ebay.com - Afraid of Clowns? Ever see a movie with a creepy clown and get scared to death? Believe it or not, there are people out there who like to be scared. This idea came to me when a friend mentioned they love scary movies and the thrill it gives them. This auction is for a 3 day thrill ride through your greatest fear! ~CLOWNS~!!!! I will dress up as a clown and scare you for 3 days STRAIGHT, everywhere you go, I will follow, dressed as a clown. When you least expect it - BOOM!!! There I'll be to creeper you out! This is something you will only want to experience once. LIVE your SCARIEST MOVIE SCENES! Included in this auction, is my travel expenses to wherever you live to give you 3 days of creepy, clowny excitement! BID NOW AND EXPERIENCE this once in a lifetime Thrill.... Are you Brave Enough? *This is meant for entertainment purposes only, no harm will come to you from this, just scariest thrill of a lifetime! Live a haunted house come to life for 3 entire days.

If this freakshow wasn’t based out in Illinois I’d totally bid on this, but the cost of flying him here totally fucks up the budget. And it's not even because I like being scared or that I’m afraid of clowns either. I just think it would add a little spice to my meetings. I mean it’s tough to say no to buying some advertising when a deranged clown pops out of the closet and goes apeshit. It’s Sales 101 really.

16. GENEVA - Naked mountain hikers in the Swiss canton of Appenzell-Innerrhoden will in future face on the spot fines of 200 Swiss francs ($170), Swiss daily Tages-Anzeiger reported over the weekend. A wave of naked hiking — particularly popular with German visitors — outraged people last year in the traditionally minded canton, Switzerland's smallest by population, which gave women the vote only in 1990. "We must protect our children from these immoral habits," the paper quoted Melchior Looser, head of the cantonal justice and police department, as saying.

I have had it up to here with these smug, self-righteous Swiss heads of cantonal justice and police departments and their whole holier-than-thou attitudes. What do they expect a guy to do? Some of us just want to walk around with our Johnsons hanging out. Is that so bad? And where are we supposed to do it? Downtown Zermatt? So here you've got groups of guys who love to feel the wind in their pubes, so they go up to the mountains where they won't bother anyone and no one will bother them. Now they've got to pay $170 fines because some pious, freedom-hating bureaucrat says they have to "to protect the children." Here's a piece of advice: if you want to protect your kids, how about keeping them off the goddamned mountains? I mean, once we let them take away nude mountain climbing in the name of stopping "immorality," it'll never end. Did we learn nothing from "Footloose?"

17. ESPN - His voice shaking at times, Alex Rodriguez met head-on allegations that he tested positive for steroids six years ago, telling ESPN on Monday that he did take performance-enhancing drugs while playing for the Texas Rangers during a three-year period beginning in 2001. "When I arrived in Texas in 2001, I felt an enormous amount of pressure, felt all the weight of the world on top of me to perform, and perform at a high level every day," Rodriguez told ESPN's Peter Gammons in an interview in Miami Beach, Fla. The "Back then, [baseball] was a different culture," Rodriguez said. "It was very loose. I was young, I was stupid, I was naïve. I wanted to prove to everyone that I was worth being one of the greatest players of all time. "I did take a banned substance. For that, I am very sorry and deeply regretful." He blamed himself and his $252 million contract he signed with the Texas Rangers in 2001 for his decision to use performance-enhancing drugs."Overall, I felt a tremendous pressure to play, and play really well" in Texas, the New York Yankees third baseman said. "I had just signed this enormous contract I felt like I needed something, a push, without over-investigating what I was taking, to get me to the next level." Rodriguez added: "I am sorry for my Texas years. I apologize to the fans of Texas."Rodriguez also said of his 2007 interview with Katie Couric on "60 Minutes," when he denied ever using steroids, that "at the time, I wasn't being truthful with myself. How could I be truthful with Katie Couric or CBS?"

For the first time in his life Arod actually said the right thing. Well at least right up until the part where he blamed signing a 252 million dollar contract for the reason he cheated. That was kind of tough to swallow, but other than that he did alright. Listen I’ve said the same thing from day 1 regarding this steroid fiasco. I literally think it has been one of the most hypocritical issues of our generation. Yes I hate Barry Bonds and Alex Rodriguez. But it has nothing to do with the fact that they used Steroids. I just hate them because they are jerks. And to be honest I think anybody who says they would have cheered for Bonds or Arod before they got busted using Steroids is a fraud. Cheating has always been a part of baseball. Players have used greenies, corked bats, scuffed baseballs etc. since the beginning of time. But somehow steroids have crossed a mythical line in the sand in regards to cheating. Everything else was deemed as cute and part of the game but not steroids. I’ve never understood this philosophy? Am I supposed to believe that if steroids were available 20 years ago those players wouldn’t have used them? That the players from Hank Aaron’s generation are somehow morally superior to the modern day player? That’s asinine. The bottom-line is that as technology has advanced so has the available methods of cheating with steroids leading the charge. And the kicker of the whole thing is that steroids weren’t even banned in baseball. In fact, I think you can argue that baseball actually encouraged steroid use. I mean everybody knew about it but nobody did anything to stop it. The players knew it, the coaches knew it, the GM’s knew it and the league knew it. But the bottom-line is that HR’s and specifically the McGuire vs. Sosa HR chase were great for baseball. The league turned a blind eye to steroids because they needed it. Therefore, for people to sit here and pass judgement on these guys makes me want to puke. And to take this point a step further if I was a MLB player and I saw how the league was embracing the long ball and how guys were getting outrageous contracts based on power numbers I would have taken steroids in a heart beat.

Like I said at the beginning. I have no problem with people hating Alex Rodriguez. The guy is a jerk and deserves to be booed. But it has nothing to do with using steroids. Everybody did it. And I don’t know how you can blame any of them. Every era is different and has different numbers based on changes in the game. Raised mounds, segregation, big parks, small parks, expansion etc. We lived in the steroid era which was a product of the times. But it doesn’t make it worse or better than previous generations. People shouldn't be kept out of the Hall of Fame because of it. And anybody who says they wouldn’t use roids in the same situation or if it would somehow make them awesome at their job and make them millions is lying. End of rant.

18. StarTribune - A 41-year-old Minneapolis man is admitting that he sexually assaulted 10 University of Minnesota female students in recent weeks, grabbing them because he is attracted to the female buttocks, according to charges filed today. Phillip W. Acosta is charged in Hennepin County District Court with two counts of fifth-degree criminal sexual conduct, gross misdemeanors, in connection with two incidents that occurred on campus Tuesday night. After his arrest that night, Acosta told police that he is responsible for the rash of groping incidents, according to the criminal complaint. He said he committed the assaults because he is "attracted to female buttocks," the complaint read. All of the assaults took place on the university's Minneapolis campus or on nearby sidewalks, starting on Dec. 9; an 11th occurred Monday in south Minneapolis. In most cases, the suspect approached the women on a bicycle.

Wait a minute! You can’t squeeze random chick’s asses in Minnesota? Since when? Well it looks like I can cross another place off my honeymoon list. Seriously though I totally feel this guy’s pain because I too find myself attracted to the female buttocks. Luckily I’m able to somehow suppress my urges. Unless of course a chick is wearing pants that have some cute slogan spread across their ass cheeks. Then it’s in God's hands. But I think those girls are sneaky looking to get groped anyway so it’s a win, win for everybody.

19. kansascity - An Olathe man was charged today for masturbating in the toy aisle of a discount store in Shawnee, police said. Lloyd Alexander, 45, faces a misdemeanor charge of lewd and lascivious behavior for the alleged incident Thursday evening. Police said the man masturbated in front of a Hot Wheels display at the Wal-Mart at 16100 W. 65th St., but stopped the act whenever people walked near. He told police he had a Hot Wheels collection, said Shawnee Capt. Bill Hisle. “He seemed to be excited by the toys for some reason.”

Hot Wheels? Really? I had a hot wheels collection when I was a kid but I never had the urge to get freaky with them. Does that make me gay? Now Lady Jaye was a totally different story. I mean if I saw her at "Toys R US" tomorrow, I’d still tenga her ass so fast you wouldn’t even know what happened. Bitch was hot.

20. Inside Track - State Rep. William Brownsberger hasn’t seen “Fever Pitch,” but that hasn’t stopped him from making a pitch to have the 2005 Red Sox [team stats] flick starring Drew Barrymore and Jimmy Fallon named the official movie of the commonwealth. The Belmont Dem, he of the Harvard-heavy resume, said he’s acutely aware there’s more pressing business before the House. By filing House Bill 354, he’s helping eighth-graders at the Cambridge Friends School with a civics lesson. “I’m filing this bill on behalf of the class, and all the kids in the class are co-sponsors,” said the freshman rep. “I hope to schedule a hearing before the end of the school year when they can come up and testify. It’s a good lesson on how a bill becomes law.”

Oh I get it. So if you say that you are “acutely aware” that there are a bazillion things you should de doing rather than trying to get Fever Pitch named as the official movie of Massachusetts’s then people can’t complain since you prefaced it by saying you realize it’s a waste of time. It kind of like when Bill Parcells said “no offense to Orientals but he hates Jap plays meaning trick plays” and then said people shouldn’t get upset because he said “no offense” first. Fair enough. Either way is it too much to ask for this idiot to have at least seen Fever Pitch before nominating it as the official movie of the commonwealth? Because this isn’t The Departed, Goodwill Hunting or Mystic River we’re talking about here. It’s fucking Fever Pitch. I’ll take Celtic Pride over this bitch. I mean if you’re going to waste taxpayers money transforming the State House into Inside the Actors Studio at least pick a good movie to discuss instead of this piece of crap

21. Inside Track - State Rep. William Brownsberger hasn’t seen “Fever Pitch,” but that hasn’t stopped him from making a pitch to have the 2005 Red Sox [team stats] flick starring Drew Barrymore and Jimmy Fallon named the official movie of the commonwealth. The Belmont Dem, he of the Harvard-heavy resume, said he’s acutely aware there’s more pressing business before the House. By filing House Bill 354, he’s helping eighth-graders at the Cambridge Friends School with a civics lesson. “I’m filing this bill on behalf of the class, and all the kids in the class are co-sponsors,” said the freshman rep. “I hope to schedule a hearing before the end of the school year when they can come up and testify. It’s a good lesson on how a bill becomes law.”

22. ROCHESTER, Minn. — A self-described "vampyre" and former fringe political candidate faces charges for threatening a teenage girl who tried to break off their relationship by telling him she was actually a vampire hunter. John Alfred Sharkey, 44, of Toms River, N.J., was held in the Olmsted County jail Wednesday in lieu of $125,000 bail. He was charged last summer, but didn't appear in court until last month after he was arrested on a warrant. Sharkey, who calls himself the "The Impaler," ran as the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans party candidate for Minnesota governor in 2006, when he listed Princeton, Minn., as his address. The criminal complaint says he was running for president in 2007 when the 16-year-old Rochester girl wrote a message of support on his MySpace page. She told police they began dating online, and the threats began when she tried to break off the relationship. She told police that "in a desperate attempt" to get him to leave her alone, she had e-mailed him that she was a member of an elite vampire hunter society and that continuing their relationship would put him in danger. Her father told police he talked to Sharkey, but Sharkey continued to call the girl and write letters to her parents. Sharkey was supposed to appear in court here in August, but got a delay by saying he had been hurt in a pro wrestling match.

Well this story had a little bit of everything huh? First of all, I'm totally sold that this guy is a real vampyre. Because only real vampyres spell it with a "y" anymore. That's how you can tell the fake ones from the real ones. Anyway what did the police want this vampire/fringe presidential candidate to do when his girlfriend told him she was part of an elite vampire hunting society? I mean I’m no vampire expert but I’m pretty sure that’s code for I’m going to kill you. So I’d be fucking pissed too if I were him.

PS – Who hasn’t used the old "I got hurt in a pro wrestling match" excuse to skip a court appearance before? It’s like the modern day version of the dog ate my homework.

23. Thesun - HORRIFIED Wayne Robinson yesterday showed for the first time the tattoos a girl carved on him as he slept after a night of lust. The Sun told last week how pretty Dominique Fisher was convicted of wounding for slashing her name on Wayne, 24, with a Stanley knife as he lay in a drunken sleep. As he displayed the permanent scars, he said: “I went to her place for sex, not to be tattooed. I look like something out of the TV show Prison Break. I can’t believe she did this to me and I hate her.” Wayne was so drunk he had not felt a thing. “When I woke I was covered in blood. Dominique was snoring. I just had to get out of there. I didn’t even wake her to ask what she’d done.”

Talk about adding insult to injury. Listen it’s one thing to carve your name in some dude while he’s sleeping but what about the snoring? How do you explain that? I mean isn’t it just understood that if you’re one of those pigs that snore you either need to stay awake all night or go sleep on the couch. I mean you just fucking met the guy! How fucking rude can you be? Now every time this poor guy looks at his shoulder he’s going to be like “oh yeah I remember her. She was the bitch who snored like an elephant all night”

24. CAPE CORAL: A 51-year-old man was arrested after he was found making out with blowup sex dolls in a grocery store parking lot. Families say they witnessed a very private act in a Publix parking lot along Santa Barbara Boulevard. "It's just crazy you know and I'm with my daughter and she couldn't believe what we were seeing," said witness Arthur Castro. The blowup dolls (pictured below) had female body parts and witnesses say 51-year-old George Bartusek was touching them very inappropriately. "As I walk by I saw this guy with two blowup dolls - kissing them and bouncing them and trying to get people's attention," said a witness who wanted to remain anonymous. "I've never seen anything like this. You know it happens behind closed doors, obviously. But in a public place, it's no good," said witness Phyllis Shepard.

It’s a sad day in America when a guy can’t even have a threesome in a Publix parking lot with two blowup dolls. Sad day indeed. I mean they were all consenting adults so who cares? Just do your grocery shopping and mind your own business. Not to mention the fact that this is sexism at it’s finest. Seriously why did only the dude get arrested? It seems like the chicks are just as culpable right? I mean look at those bitches! They didn't even bother to get dressed afterwards. Just another example of the white man being discriminated against.

25. New Berlin - A former New Berlin Eisenhower student was accused Wednesday of a pattern of manipulation and deception using the social networking site Facebook to coerce male schoolmates into sexual encounters. Anthony R. Stancl, 18, posing as a female on Facebook, persuaded at least 31 boys to send him naked pictures of themselves and then blackmailed some of the boys into performing sex acts under the threat that the pictures would be released to the rest of the high school, according a criminal complaint. The sexual assaults occurred in a bathroom at the high school, the school parking lot, a New Berlin Public Library restroom, Valley View Park, Malone Park, Minooka Park and at some of the victims' homes. At least seven boys, 15 to 17, were forced into performing sex acts, Schimel said. The investigation into Stancl began after bomb threats on Nov. 12 and Nov. 13 led to the closure of Eisenhower on Nov 14. Officers discovered the threat came from an e-mail sent from a computer at the New Berlin Public Library. It was sent at a time that Stancl was logged onto the computer, according to the criminal complaint. He was arrested on suspicion of making the bomb threats and released because authorities didn't believe he was a threat to the public.Schimel said that while the closing of school because of the bomb scare was costly and inconvenient, the charge "pales in comparison" to what investigators learned later. As police were investigating the bomb threat, one victim came forward, he said. The resulting investigation also turned up computer evidence that Stancl pulled images of females from their Facebook pages and used them to persuade male students to e-mail nude photographs to Stancl, according to the criminal complaint.

See this is why you can’t mix business with pleasure. Because the second you start combining innocent facebook blackmail with bomb threats things start getting hairy. It's like seperation of Church and State. Anyway, what is going on at New Berlin High School? Ok so they have one fucked up kid who is posing as a female so dudes will send naked pictures to him. Boys will be boys right? But how does that turn into like 30 guys being raped? I mean I know last time I got tricked into sending naked pictures of myself to a dude posing as a female I told him to go screw himself when he tried to blackmail me. Bottom line is that there is no way I’m going to let my asshole get diddled in the High School Cafeteria just so people don’t see pictures of my junk. It seemed like a no brainer decision at the time but I guess not.

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