Random Thoughts

1. Bostonherald.com - A coast-hopping hooker who didn’t know when to stop talking was relocated from the Sheraton Hotel in the Back Bay to a cell in the South End after she called the cops to report she’d been robbed.Donna Rao, 20, of San Francisco was arrested Saturday night and charged with sex for a fee for taking her show on the road. Rao claimed she’d brought a wallet and a laptop computer from California, but they were stolen from her by two men who knocked on the door of her room, then pushed their way in at gunpoint. One suspect, she told police, held her down while the other went through her belongings. Finding her was apparently not difficult. Rao told police she’d placed an ad on Craigslist “for sex in exchange for cash for men she previously met on the Internet.” She allegedly told detectives “her sole purpose for getting the room was to have sex with her clients,” the report continues, and that she had already entertained one customer in the room.

See this is the problem with the internet these days.  Sluts like Donna Rao think they can just run a prostitution ring themselves.  They don’t think they need pimps anymore.  But what happens when the rubber hits the road and they get robbed or somebody doesn’t pay up.  Then what?    Then they’re forced to go to the cops to seek justice like everybody else.  Looks like the pimps have the last laugh after all.

2. Atlanta- When Julie Amanda Tilton went to Daytona Beach during spring break, she competed in a number of risque contests at a local motel before hundreds of observers, some taking photos. The Florida woman eventually filed a federal lawsuit after learning that footage of the contests had been posted on the Internet. But on Thursday, the federal appeals court in Atlanta ruled against Tilton, effectively ending her suit seeking damages from the hotel, the owner of a video company and others. Tilton, at the time a 17-year-old high school student, went to the Desert Inn Resort Motel in April 2001 after hearing about the contests. She competed in two wet T-shirt contests, a “banana sucking contest” and a “sexual positions contest.” The owner of a video production company also heard an advertisement about the wet T-shirt contest. He went to the event, took photos and posted those, along with some video footage of the event, on his Web site. Tilton’s lawsuit claimed Deslin Hotels, which owns the Desert Inn, had induced her to engage in “sexually explicit conduct” and created an atmosphere it knew would draw others to take pictures of it.

God, will we ever be free of these horrible judges? How many more gross miscarriages of justice must we suffer before somebody does something about it? Consider the case of poor, unfortunate Julie Amanda Tilton. Here she is, at Spring Break, minding her own business and doing no harm to anyone, and this unscrupulous hotel forces her up on the stage and makes her take parade around in a wet T-shirt... twice..., suck on a banana and show the world her favorite ways to bang drunken college kids. Then to add insult to injury, some guy videos her private shame and puts it on the web for the whole world to see. It's a scandal and on behalf of everyone at Barstool, I'd like to publicly express my support for shy, decent Julie Amanda and hope she can get passed the way she was victimized here and get back to her studies.

3. The Sun- SHOCKED surgeons were forced to use their imagination after operating on woman with a huge can of hairspray stuck in her bum. Mirela Gradinaru, 37, arrived at the clinic in Arad, western Romania, in agony, begging docs to help. But she refused to tell surgeons how the can came to be lodged in her rear even after a successful operation dislodged the canister. Mirandolina Prisca, a doctor at the clinic, explained: "We had X-rays done to localise the object and then we carried out the operation. The patient was fine after it. "She was very embarrassed. She was clearly in a lot of pain, however it got there." "This was not just a little can of deodorant, this was a massive can of hairspray," said one hospital worker.

I don't have a list of "Places I'd Like to Visit While I Shove a Can of Hairspray Up My Ass" per se. But if I did, I'd cross Arad, Romania off my list. Apparently there is no Romanian word for "confidentiality" as the doctors are giving out the patient's name, releasing her X-ray, and doing everything short of giving the world Mirela's home address, what time she gets home and which window you can look through to catch her in the act the next time she decides to cram a can of Aqua Net up her keester. I like too how the unidentified hospital worker says this wasn't just a little deodorant can, because of course we've all done that.

PS. As far as I can tell, this Mirela Gradinaru is not Mirela Gradinaru, the famous Israeli soprano; it's just an unfortunate coincidence. I know a lot of Stoolies are big fans of the Israeli opera scene and I wanted to save you all the trouble of emailing me.

4. Tenga.com - While the ladies have had their "toys" well, forever, until now men have either had to make do with unsightly dolls, "beer-goggled beauties," or, most conveniently, the hand that's not busy holding the beer. Enter TENGA™. TENGA products are the best-selling sex toys for men in Japan and Thailand. They deliver an unmatched solo sexual experience through superior engineering and the finest-quality materials. And now, building on their wildly successful Asian line, TENGA has custom-engineered a line of products specifically designed for the American man. Based on input from extensive product testing and feedback from a veritable army of volunteers, TENGA USA products were created to provide the finest "me" experience an American guy could have. Here's some actual quotes from some of our volunteer TENGA testers in the U.S.:

• “Feels like sex, minus the girl”
• “Good God this is awesome”
• “I'll save a ton in movie tickets and martinis!!! Pretty damn good.”
• “Better than masturbation”
• “WOW!”
• “I liked the fact that it was tidy and disposable.”
• “Nice way to give the hand a breather”
• “Smoked a cigarette while in a daze of satisfaction”
• “Very pleasing. Liked that you can adjust the feeling easily.”
• “Fantastic feel, almost equal to or better than the real thing.”

All TENGA products are engineered to produce a potent, but controllable, sucking sensation without motors, pumps, or somebody that just might not be in the mood. TENGA's don't get tired. They don't get headaches or PMS, and they don't stop working if a storm knocks your electricity out. With a TENGA in hand, YOU control the experience - when, where, and how.

Wait a minute.  Did I just read that right?  Tenga products don’t get tired?  They don’t get headaches or PMS?     They don’t even stop working if you lose electricity!   Man, you got to hand it to the fucking Japanese.  First they put American Car manufactures out of business and now they're poised to put bitches out of business.  I mean if you can just fuck a Tenga what’s the point of chicks even existing?     "Good God this is awesome" indeed.

5. Foxnews - When a 5-foot, 275-pound woman found out she had a tumor on her spine, she was told by her local hospital to go the zoo to have a MRI because a regular MRI machine could not hold her weight, myfoxkc.com reported. Carolyn Ragan told the television station she discovered the tumor two years ago and, after the hospital told her she could not use their MRI machine, a medical assistant said he would help her find a solution. “So he suggested the Kansas City Zoo,” Ragan said. “I thought, I know I’m big, but I’m not as big as an elephant. And my husband got mad.”

I hate to nitpick here, but when you are 5 feet tall and weigh 275 lbs and need to go to the Zoo to get an MRI, I do believe that puts you in elephas maximus category. (aka elephants) Sorry honey, but facts are facts.   Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

6. NFL.com- The Chiefs hired Patriots vice president - player personnel Scott Piolion Tuesday to be the team’s general manager. Pioli, 43, was considered one of the masterminds behind the Patriots dynasty that won three Super Bowls and four AFC titles over a span of eight seasons.

As the Patriots Brain Drain continues, I'm sure there'll be plenty of hand-wringing and panic by people who think the Pats will have lost too many indispensible people and eventually the dynasty will collapse like a Big Dig tunnel. But that's not going to happen as long as the guy calling the shots in Foxboro spells his name Bill Belichick. He's the Borg; the rest are all just part of the Collective. This is to take nothing away from Pioli, who won two Executive of the Year awards in his time here, and probably should have won more (how he didn't get one in 2001 after building a championship team out of stuff he found in the Swap Shop at the NFL's town dump is beyond me). It's just that there's no question Belichick was the master and Pioli the apprentice. The two had the perfect working relationship in that they never went after a player unless both agreed they wanted him. It's hard to imagine there isn't someone in the Pats organization who's ready to step in tomorrow and give The Hooded One the same level of service, especially given that this move isn't a surprise; if anything, it's long overdue. So now barely three weeks into NFL Front Office Shakeup Season, teams have hired Belichick's estranged Defensive Coordinator (Cleveland), his wunderkind Offensive Coordinator (Denver), and now his protege' VP of Player Personnel. If I was an agent, I'd be on the phone right now working out a deal to represent Stephen Belichick. It's only a matter of time before some team is giving him the keys to the franchise.

PS. I'm sure Gene DiFillipo is wondering why Belichick didn't fire Pioli and Josh McDaniels for interviewing for these jobs. But this is how you attract the most competent people to your organiztion. How badly do the best and brightest want to come work for the Pats knowing that having that mojo is guaranteed to lead them to bigger and better things? Having Belichick's scent on them is like an aphrodesiac to the other owners in the NFL. Pioli will be missed, but every brilliant young football mind in the world will be giving his left nut for the chance to come learn under the master the way he did.

7. Garden City, NY (BBC) -- A man divorcing his wife is demanding that she return the kidney he donated to her or pay him $1.5m (£1m) in compensation. Dr Richard Batista told reporters that he decided to go public because he was frustrated at the slow pace of divorce negotiations with his estranged wife.  He said he had not only given his heart to his wife, Dawnell, but donated his kidney to save her life.  But divorce lawyers say a donated organ is not a marital asset to be divided.  Dr Batista married Dawnell in 1990 and donated the kidney to her in 2001. She filed for divorce in 2005 and a settlement has still not been reached.

Well if this case isn’t heading straight for the Supreme Court I’d be completely shocked.  I mean who's in the right here? On the one hand it is the guy’s kidney, but on the other hand he gave it to his wife.  It’s like the time my buddy Rick distributed his entire porno collection at a fantasy football draft back in 2002 because his bride-to-be wouldn’t let him keep it in the house.  Well they got divorced a few years later and naturally Rick wanted, and got his porn back. (most of it)  Same thing in Batista v Batista.  Like I said the case is going to wind up in the Supreme Court in a matter of months because it’s so legally complex none of the state courts or judge shows on TV are going to want to touch it.   Whatever happens, they'll be studying it for years to come in law schools throughout the country.

8. GREENFIELD, Calif. - Police have arrested a Greenfield man for allegedly arranging to sell his 14-year-old daughter into marriage in exchange for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and several cases of meat.  Police said they only learned of the deal after the 36-year-old man went to them to get his daughter back because payment wasn't made as promised. The man was arrested Sunday on suspicion of human trafficking. Officers also arrested an 18-year-old man on suspicion of statutory rape. Investigators believe the girl went willingly with the man, but she's under California's legal age of consent and can't legally marry. Police say arranged marriages involving underage girls have become a problem in this small Central Coast farming community.

Wait a minute. The authorities only learned about this story when the dude tried to get his daughter back because the people he sold her to didn’t pay up?   Does that mean that her new family called 912 or something when this guy tried to collect?   It has to be right?   It’s almost like the people who bought her didn’t even realize they did anything wrong.  Obviously you’re going to get arrested if you buy a person and don’t pay the agreed upon fee.    Duh.   Oh and the human trafficking and rape thing will get you in trouble too.

9. I’m not sure when it happened but somewhere along the line I fell in love with Blake Lively.  Seriously I fucking love her.  She’s like top 3 chicks in the world that I want to bang, as well as top 3 chicks I want to take home to meet my mom.   I can’t remember the last time somebody actually threatened Kristin Kreuk for the #1 place in my heart like this, but Blake Lively is making a serious run right now.   It’s so weird too, because I usually don’t like blonds.    But I’m like Costanza with Marissa Tomei whenever I see her.  I start making out with pillows and have nervous laughter around the First Lady and shit.   Anyway just in case Blake is reading this I’d just like to remind her that I’m getting married in October.   So if she happens to be into 5’10, slightly overweight smut peddlers she should give me a call before I potentially make the biggest mistake of my life.

XOXO

10. MSNBC - Mack is one of a growing number of men — from construction workers to athletes and businessmen — who've found a passion for pantyhose, claiming they wear the hosiery for support, comfort and aesthetic purposes. Luckily, there are now pairs made specifically for men so that they don't have to ravage their wives’ or girlfriends’ dressers to nestle into a pair of nylons. The "mantyhose" comes in a variety of colors and designs, but, Katz says, basic black holds the title as most popular. "There are a lot of guys who like wearing the product because of the benefits — the support, the warmth — but the gender hang-ups about pantyhose are still so pervasive," he said.  Many men who wear "mantyhose" say it isn't them or even other guys who are embarrassed —it's mostly their wives and girlfriends.

I love how the Mantyhose dude is trying to act like some of the reason guys wear them are for warmth, comfort and medical reasons.  Listen man, tell me you don't like my firm, tell me you don't like my idea, tell me you don't like my fuckin neck tie, but don't tell me guys are wearing mantyhose for comfort.   Because I’m going to be as clear and concise as I can with this one.  If a dude wears mantyhose that means he’s gay or a cross dresser.   That’s why the wife and girlfriend get embarrassed.   Because no chick wants to admit to her friends and family that they married a gay dude.   It’s fucking humiliating.    Bottom line is that guys who like to fuck girls for real don’t wear pantyhose and never will.  End of story.

11. FORT PIERCE — A 31-year-old woman on Wednesday found a likely unwelcome surprise on her porch -- a human bowel movement with an "overwhelming" stench, according to a police report released Thursday. The victim told investigators the doorbell to her home in the 700 block of Beach Court rang, and she saw a red Jeep Cherokee blocking the driveway. However, she didn't recognize the vehicle, so she didn't answer the door. A friend stopped by shortly afterward and told her a "human bowel movement" sat on the porch, describing the odor as "repugnant." Toilet paper also was on the porch "where the suspect attempted to clean themselves." The victim told police a neighbor indicated a heavy-set woman drove off in the red Jeep and that she was selling Mary Kay products. The victim told investigators the smell was "overwhelming and she had to clean it as soon as possible."

I had to take a few Sales classes in school. And like most college classes, they're 99.9% BS. Sure they make you memorize all the classic sales techiques... your Empathy Selling, Consultive Selling, Overcoming Objections and all that. But if colleges did what they're supposed to do and gave you practical advice with real world applications, they'd teach you stuff like this. You want to move beauty products and your potential customers won't answer the door, you leave a great big dump on their front porch. Nothing will get them to open the door in the mood to do business like leaving your calling card at their door. And by calling card I mean the Finless Brown Fish. Works every time. A. B. C. Always. Be. Crapping. That's how you get them to sign on the dotted line.

12. SYDNEY (Reuters) - An Australian man broke into three adult shops, had sex with blow up dolls named "Jungle Jane" and then dumped his plastic conquests in a nearby alley, local media reported Wednesday.  "It's totally bizarre. It's a real concern that someone like that is out on the street," said one of the owners of the adult sex shops in Cairns in northern Queensland state.  "He has been taking the dolls out the back and blowing them up and using the dolls and leaving them in the alley," the owner, who gave the name of Vogue, told the Cairns Post newspaper.  Police told the Cairns Post that scientific officers had taken DNA samples, fingerprints and pictures of the crime scene.

Well if it isn’t the blow-up doll sex bandit?  I’ve been wondering where he’s been since the Barstool Halloween Party of 2007.   Listen it’s one thing to have sex with multiple blow-up dolls in the privacy of your mother’s basement in between courses during Christmas dinner, but to actually bang them in some seedy back alley at the bottom of the world and leave them there to rot – that’s where you have to draw the line.  There’s no place for that in our society.  Just imagine how the inventor of the “Jungle Jane” sex doll is feeling right now.  Not very good. I mean that’s gotta be the one phone call he doesn’t ever want to receive. 

13. Boston.com - As of January 1, bicyclists got their first piece of the economic stimulus plan. Cyclists who commute all of part of the way to and from work can get reimbursed up to $20 per month, either as a cash reimbursement or a pre-tax deduction. The program was sponsored by US Rep. Earl Blumenauer (pictured above with his bike) -- and it is an opening salvo on attempts by pro-cycling lawmakers and lobbyists to get a part of the stimulus package. The provision is one success that cyclists and lobbyists want to build on this year. President-elect Barack Obama's team already has received a list of $2 billion worth of bike parths and lanes in all 50 states that could be ready for construction in two months under the economic stimulus package.

Fucking bike riders.  Listen, I’m all for saving the environment and going green and all that good stuff but how does this help?   Like somebody is going to start riding a bike so they can get 20 bucks a month.   Please.  This isn’t stimulating shit.  Instead it’s just another shakedown by the bike riding community trying to act like they are doing God’s work or something by riding a bike.   I’m fucking sick of it.  You don’t see me trying to get the Government to pay me for beating off on biodegradable paper do you?  So why are we suddenly giving bike riders 20 bucks for something they love doing in the first place?    It makes no sense.   Yeah, I know it’s not a lot of money individually but if you add that shit up it turns into a gigantic waste of money.     And for what?   So bike riders can feel like they are good people? Fuck those weirdos.   Figures the guy who sponsored this bill wears a bow tie too.  You can’t trust those people for shit.

14. Boston.com - Needham High School principal Paul Richards told parents yesterday that students will not be allowed to attend the boys' varsity hockey game against Framingham today because of rowdiness by spectators at a game over the weekend.  In the latest crackdown on bad behavior at area school sports events, Richards said in an e-mail that Needham fans at Saturday's game against Wellesley yelled chants and heckled representatives from the Massachusetts Interscholastic Athletic Association who were there to observe fans because of an earlier incident. "Needham's student section chanted, 'Wellesley . . . Wellesley . . . you s -k' several times," Richards said in an e-mail to parents. "In addition, they chanted, 'Put your clipboards away,' to the MIAA reps who were there to observe our fan behavior." "Not a good scene, to say the least," Richards wrote.

NOOO!!!!  Not the dreaded “Put your clipboards away chant!!!!!!!   Anything but that!!!!   Listen I’m usually the first one that slams the MIAA and school officials for being pussies and treating kids like they are 2 years old, but not in this case.   I mean enough is enough.    If anything Principal Paul Richards didn’t go far enough with this “fan suspension”.   If I were him I would have cancelled the entire season or better yet all sports for the rest of the year.    Because what comes after the “Put your clipboards away chant?”   Frankly I don’t even know, but I sure as hell don't want to find out.

15. ENGLISH WOODS – A man called a late night phone chat line on Sunday, Jan. 4 and was invited to come have sex with two young women at their home. When he showed up, he was beaten, robbed, and threatened with charges of statutory rape by their father. And it’s probably not the first time this scheme was pulled, said Capt. Kim Frey, Cincinnati police. James Merida, 40, and his two daughters, Amie Campbell, 28, and Ashley Merida, 20, of 1986 Knob Court, have been arrested on robbery charges... After the victim came to meet the girls at about 10 p.m., Merida rushed into the house by kicking in his own door. He accused the man of fooling around with his daughters. Merida lied by saying the girls were underage, then beat the victim and took more than $200 from him, according to police... “It’s an embarrassing type of crime,” [Frey] said. “The men didn’t think they were going there to have sex with a juvenile … so now the guys are thinking, ‘I’m in trouble.’ Most guys probably took their lumps and went away quietly,” she said. The victim, a 55-year-old man from Warren County, declined to comment to a reporter.

Ah the old invite them to your house for sex and then beat them, rob them and then threaten them with statutory rape trick. It works every time. Anyway I guess we can close down the voting and declare James Merida the winner of the 2009 Father of the Year Award. What's the point of going on with the contest when in Jimmy here we've found the one guy who's managed to achieve the perfect balance of work and quality time with his family? And this really a brilliant scheme. But because nothing will make an otherwise worldly 55 year old man, with a lifetime of experience and $200 in his pocket, throw caution to the wind like the idea of a threesome with two skanky, plain and downright "The Hills Have Eyes" caliber scary-hillbilly looking chicks. This guy must have been so excited about his big score, he missed the obvious clue that he was walking into a trap. "Knob Court"? They might as well have told him to follow them to "Dick Towers" or "The Boner Building" or "Our White Trash Daddy is Going to Burst in an Roll You For All Your Cash Village."

16. JACKSON, Ohio - Police say a 4-year-old boy in southern Ohio shot his babysitter because the sitter accidentally stepped on his foot. Police said 18-year-old Nathan Beavers and several other teenagers were babysitting several young children in a mobile home in Jackson on Sunday when the shooting occurred. Witnesses told police the 4-year-old retrieved the shotgun from a bedroom closet and shot Beavers. Police said the child was angry because Beavers accidentally stepped on his foot.

For openers, how about a mobile home in southern Ohio having a shotgun in the closet? That should dispel a few stereotypes. I mean, I always thought those Tornado Magnets were full of fine art and classic literature. Next we'll find out the fridge was full of Old Milwaukees and the walls were decorated with Dale Earnhardt collector plates you get free with a fill up at the Texaco up the road. Go figure. But you've got to hand it to the litt'e 4 year old cherub here. A major problem with kids in their developmental years is trying to get them to express themselves. Not this little imp. No denying it, this kid's non-verbal communication skills are way beyond his years. Someone stomps on his foot, he doesn't run to his room crying or feel all sorry for himself and throw a temper tantrum. No sir. It's right to the bedroom to grab dad's Peacemaker and dispense a little Marvin Harrison-style justice. Problem solved. Nathan Beavers might make another mistake next time he babysits a kid, but it won't be stepping on the tot's foot, you can be goddamned sure of that. Nice name by the way.

17. NEW DELHI — Nine flight attendants who couldn’t meet the weight standards of India’s national airlines have been fired, an official said Tuesday. The crew were significantly overweight and had been given time to lose weight but had not, said Air India spokesman Jitender Bhargava. He declined to give details on their weight. A lawyer for the women blasted the firing. "The action is illegal and against the natural justice. I will soon file an application in the Supreme Court against the order," Arvind Sharma told the Press Trust of India news agency. Air India has spent years fighting for the right to fire cabin staff it considers physically unfit. In 2006, it warned its nearly 1,600 cabin crew workers to shape up in two months or risk being assigned to ground duties— jobs that often pay less than those in the cabin. When the airline reassigned employees it deemed overweight, some of them took it to court.  The airline said that fitness and efficiency were the reasons for its weight standards, which it said were based on "scientific" combinations of height, age and gender. It did not give further details about how such standards were determined.

And people wonder why America is getting their ass kicked in the world right now.  It’s because upstart countries like Indian and China are taking a hard line with ugly chicks.   Meanwhile here in the US you can’t even put a hot girl on a snowboard without the feminists freaking out.  Give me a fucking break.  That’s why our economy sucks.   It’s because our priorities are all fucked up.   Maybe just maybe if fat bitches would get in shape and make themselves presentable so men wouldn’t have to look at them and get all depressed that would be the kick start our country needs.  Seriously forget the economic stimulus package.   Men spend money on hot broads.    But we got so many fat chicks rolling around getting away with being fat; it just takes all the motivation of living right away from you.    You want people to work hard and spend money and create jobs?   Make chicks lose weight.  It’s not rocket science.  

18. ADELAIDE, Australia - An Australian woman accused of setting her husband's genitals on fire because she thought he was having an affair has been charged with murder. Prosecutors said 44-year-old Rajini Narayan confessed to neighbors that she set her husband on fire on Dec. 8, 2008, after she saw him hug another woman. Prosecutor Lucy Boord said Narayan told neighbors she was a "jealous wife" but she hadn't meant to kill him when she doused the sleeping man's genitals with an alcohol-based solvent and then set him on fire. Boord quoted Narayan allegedly saying: "I just wanted to burn his penis so it belongs to me and no one else. ... I didn't mean this to happen." The husband jumped out of bed and knocked over the bottle of alcohol, causing the fire to spread and resulting in 1 million Australian dollars ($711,000) of damage to their town house and an adjacent property, the Adelaide Advertiser reported.

Ah, it’s a story as old as time itself.   Married man hugs a woman.  Wife gets jealous and sets her husband’s cohoochies on fire while he’s sleeping.  Man jumps out of bed only to crash into a bottle of alcohol fanning the flames.  Man ends up dead.  Wife ends up on the Stool.    And all for what?   So the wife could own her husband’s penis?    What happened to good old fashioned just cutting it off?   Have times changed that much?   Kind of makes me feel old.