Random Thoughts

1. Actress Jennifer Tilly, from Bride of Chucky fame, captured a gold bracelet at the World Series of Poker by winning the Texas Hold Em No Limit Women's Only Event. Wow, is all I've got to say about this one. Tilly would have been just about my last choice in the entire world to ever win a gold bracelet. She just seems like the dumbest broad on the face of the earth and I thought surely she was on her way to doing porn after her performance in Bound 2 . If I were a female poker player I'd seriously consider retiring. I feel like Tilly winning a gold bracelet is the equivalent of hell freezing over.

2. Bronson Arroyo went on tour last week to promote his new CD "Covering All the Bases." He was on virtually all the major music channels and even played live in studio a couple times. For some reason this really bothers me. And it's not the fact that he shouldn't be wasting his time worrying about his music career during baseball season. Nope, it's the fact that all the songs on his new CD are simply cover tunes. Since when does a CD full of cover tunes qualify as a new CD release? This is a joke. This shit may fly in the dorm rooms of Northeastern, but not in the mainstream. Do me a favor Bronson, next time you want to have a major CD release put some original music on there. Cover tunes? Please. Any schmo with a guitar can release a cover tune album.

3. Pardon the Interuption is the best sports program on television by a long shot. Therefore, it is truly remarkable to watch how bad the show becomes when either Wilbon or Tony Kornheiser go on vacation. ESPN was forced to go to the bench last week and they dug up a couple of Globe guys in Bob Ryan and Michael Smith. I actually enjoy both of these guys as writers, but I could only last 26 seconds watching them on PTI. It's amazing just how bad of a show this becomes with substitute hosts. In fact, if I were asked to fill in on this show I'm not sure I'd do it because you're just setting yourself up for failure.

4. I hope everybody got to watch the Nathan's Hot Dog World Eating Championship live from Coney Island last week. As the announcers so elegantly put it, Coney Island is to competitive eating what Pebble Beach is to golf and Churchill Downs is to Horse Racing. And there is no greater prize in the sport of competitive eating than the Mustard Yellow Championship Belt given to the Nathan's Famous winner. A belt that was once again was won by the greatest competitive eater of them all, Takeru Kobayashi, as he ate 49 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Kobayashi managed to spoil America's Independence Day yet again by taking the Hot Dog title back to Japan for the 9th time in 10 years. But this isn't to say that the American's didn't put up a good fight. Sonya Thomas, the black widow of competitive eating, set an American Record with 37 dogs. A very impressive feat considering that she doesn't weigh 90 pounds soaking wet. And rookie Joey Chestnut came in 3rd place as he heroically avoided a late inning "reversal of fortune" which is an automatic DQ. So despite the fact that the Empire of the Sun continues its death grip on the Mustard Belt, the Americans are closing the gap. It's only a matter of time until we reclaim what is rightfully ours. As a side note, I'd rather get stranded on Revere Beach than Coney Island. It simply looks like the worst place to hang out in the world.

5. I was watching the 4th of July fireworks on TV and couldn't help but be thankful that I wasn't at the Esplanade. I'll be the first to admit that I've never actually done the 4th of July thing in Boston. And I don't plan on ever doing it. It just doesn't seem like it would be that much fun unless you're crazy. The only people that ever seem to be enjoying themselves are the people dressed up in tight fitting flag clothes. The type of people who have no problem waiving an American Flag for 5 straight hours and swing dancing to Yankee Doodle Dandy and Star Wars. I just feel like it's rare to see a group of normal people just hanging out having a good time. Am I right about this? I'd be curious to hear from people who have actually been to the Esplanade to hear what they say about this.

6. Am I the only American who doesn't like Lance Armstrong? I am so sick of him and the Tour De France. I thought he retired last year, but apparently I'm wrong. Now I have to sit and suffer through the annual Lance Armstrong love fest that occurs every year. Listen, we all know Lance is going to win the Tour De France. But does that really make him a national hero or worthy of being the sportsman of the year? Professional bike riding is like playing Intramurals in college and the winner should be treated accordingly. I respect Armstrong for overcoming cancer, but I don't need to hear his story every freaking year. I get it already. He beat cancer and now he beats the piss out of the French. But that doesn’t mean he is an elite American Athlete. If the future of the United States hinged on an athletic event that was going to take place in two weeks, but you didn't know what the event was and you could send anybody from the United States to represent you, Lance Armstrong wouldn’t sniff the top 1,000 athletes. Anybody who says otherwise is full of crap.

7. I've been living in fear the last couple months. The fear that one day when I go to Dunkin Donuts I'm going to ask the cashier to "turbo me" and I'll be hooked forever. And frankly I just can't afford it. Has anybody gone the turbo route yet? I'm curious just how big of an effect "the turbo" has on the traditional coffee.

8. I flew US Airways to a wedding in Pittsburgh two weeks ago. It will be the last time I ever fly on this airline. The reason is because beginning in September, US Airways will no longer be serving pretzels on domestic flights in a move expected to save more than $1 million a year. This is simply unacceptable. I'd rather they increase the price of a ticket by 50 cents or fire a few employees rather than eliminate the pretzels. I just can't imagine flying without those things. I can't do it. I won't do it.

9. Last week on the Barstool Sports Radio Show I think I developed a revolutionary idea that would save sports talk radio. I propose that sports talk hosts should be forced to take a one month leave of absence when they are caught on the record as being wrong 3 times in one year on major issues that they take a stand on. For instance last night I went on the record as saying that the Red Sox will not make the playoffs if Keith Foulke is not the closer at the end of the season. When I was challenged about this point of view I told our producer to mark it down. If I'm wrong about this then that counts as one strike against me. How much more exciting would this make talk radio? No more flip flopping on the issues and never admitting that you've wrong about anything. From now on every stand will be documented and when you're wrong you get kicked off the show for a month. All of WEEI would be off the air within 48 hours.

10. What the hell got into Johnny Damon with that long rant he went on about how Schilling shouldn’t be the Sox closer? First of all, I didn't even know that Johnny Damon was capable of speaking this long in one sitting. This must have been the longest interview in the history of organized sports. I figure it had to take Damon at least 3 hours to spit all this stuff out. Regardless, this interview makes me think that the team resents Schilling for all the credit that he got last year for his heroic World Series performance. Why else would you publicly slam Schilling like that? It's one thing to say that you support Timlin or Arroyo, but to say Schilling can't be the closer is ludicrous. Anybody who can say with a straight face that they'd rather have Timlin or Don Juan closing games in the 9th over Schilling is an idiot. Yes, he is probably more valuable as a starter, but I wouldn't worry about how good he'll be closing the door. He'll dominate because being a great closer is a hell of a lot easier than being a great starter. The biggest flaw in Damon's whole rant is when he brings up Timlin's contract. Earth to Damon, management and the fans don't care about showcasing what a guy can do in a free agent year so he can get a huge deal and leave town. In the end this whole rant was stupid and pointless. Curt Schilling is one of the few guys in the major leagues who can't be doubted. If Schilling came out of the bullpen with no arms and missing one foot and said he wanted the ball I'd give it to him over Arroyo and Timlin in a heart beat.

11. How far are the Sox going to push this Keith Foulke injury charade? According to the Sox, Foulke underwent MRIs on both knees and was found to have undisclosed damage within the left one which will require arthroscopic surgery. Foulke is now expected to be sidelined at least 4-6 weeks. Keep in mind that this is the same knee which has sporadically bothered him for several years. SEVERAL YEARS! This is not the reason he is suddenly struggling closing out games. I don't know what the reason is but I'm not buying the injury excuse. I honestly believe this is just a nice way of getting him a long mental vacation. In any event, my proclamation that the Sox would not make the playoffs unless Foulke was the closer at the end of the season seems to be in serious jeopardy only 24 hours after I made this remark. Oh well, Duff Man says a lot of things, oh yeah!

12. Michelle Wie had a good showing at the John Deere Classic as she attempted to become the first female in 60 years to make the cut at a PGA event. Now she is trying to qualify for the Masters. The fact that she's only 15 years old makes this story all the more remarkable. However, I think it's a joke she's even trying to do these thing and I'm not going to give her the satisfaction of paying attention. Do me a favor Michelle and win an LPA event before trying to showboat at a men's tournament. I understand that Wie may end up being the greatest female golfer of all time. And from everything I hear she may actually be able to win a men's event one day. But I simply am not interested in hearing about her until she beats the women and can beat them almost every single time out. If Annika Sorenstam wants to go play with the boys I have no problem with it because she's earned the opportunity. But as far as Wie is concerned, this is nothing but a publicity stunt.

13. Joe Simpson, Jessica’s dad, is pissed about the fact some Christian groups are saying his daughter’s “These Boots are Made For Walking“ video is too sexy. According to Joe, “Jessica is not trying to be sexy. If you watch her, she's laughing throughout the whole thing. She's dancing like her mother and sister would dance at the house and be stupid.'' Since El Presidente is a professional journalist I decided to investigate this controversy before passing judgment. And after conducting my personal research, which consisted of watching this video 20 times in a row, I can honestly say I think the Christian Groups may have a gripe here. I think it’s fair to say the video is sexy in nature. You heard it here first!

14. I’m going to make a bold statement here today. I think Rodrigo Lopez is the greatest Red Sox killer of my generation. I just can’t ever remember another player like him that is so dominant every single time he pitches against us. The Sox might as well not show up when he’s on the mound. And it’s not like this guy is Roger Clemens or Randy Johnson either. According to his stats he is a slightly above average big league pitcher and nothing more. If I were Brian Cashman I’d trade my entire farm system for this guy because you are guaranteed two victories vs. the Sox in a 7 game series with Rodriguez on your staff. It is just mystifying how he doesn’t go 50-0 and win the Cy Young every year.

Reader Email

Email #1

Yo El,

You asked for feedback on the Esplanade Celebration, and I am here to provide the information you need. All I need is six words. Worst fucking day of my life. The year was 1995, and the reason I was convinced to go was my live-in girlfriend at the time was from Ohio, and I figured that it was the best way for a foreigner to experience the 4th in Boston. The last time I made a misjudgment of such a ridiculous magnitude was when I predicted the Pats to win the AFC in 1991, and felt so strongly about it, I drove to Providence and paid 100 dollars for a Pat Patriot tattoo to show everybody what a believer I was. Needless to say, that was the toughest football season I've ever experienced (financially, and emotionally). But I digress. The 4th at the Pops has to be the biggest loser convention going. It makes the Star Wars groupies look cool, and it makes the Disneyworld/Six Flags/Watercountry crowd look downright chic. You have to get there about 12 hours early (by foot) just to get a 4 by 4 square for your 12 by 12 blanket and all your other provisions for your day long camp (which by the way does not include any alcohol of any sort). Then, if you're lucky enough to be within 2 miles of the hatch shell, you're probably going to be surrounded by a bunch of screaming 5 year olds, with their parents shouting at them all day because they've lost complete control of the situation, or lots of 70-90 year olds who either are telling you to be quiet all day so they can hear the faint droning of the distant music, or are being carted out in ambulances by the dozen from heat stroke and malnutrition. Then after 12 hours of misery, the fireworks begin. Whoopdefreakindooo. These last about 6 minutes. After the show ends, there is the world's largest cattle crawl back to civilization. Everybody smells like a bag of smashed assholes, and you can't even try and walk back to your apartment in Brookline without being detoured into Somerville because if you fight the crowd, you'll end up with a reversal of fortune not seen around these parts since Uta Pippig.

ED FROM EASTON

Great usage of "reversal of fortune." This email seals the deal for me. I'm never going to the Esplanade. I'm going to need at least 1,000 positive emails about the experience before I even begin to think to change my mind.

Email #2

I'm sorry to say this, but you suck for hating Lance Armstrong. The guy lost a testicle to cancer, is banging Sheryl Crow, and manages to beat a bunch of Frogs at their favorite event. He is everything that an American should be. Go back to Russia, commie!

Cassidy

Like I said, I respect Armstrong for doing what he does with one ball, but I just don't feel like reading about it in the sports pages. I read the sports pages to read about stuff I care about like baseball, football, basketball and competitive speed eating. If I wanted to read about bike riding I'd become a hippie or something.

Email #3

El Pres,

I'm starting to worry about you, man. I know it is a slow period for sports, but dude you need to get your lard ass off the couch and stop watching lame ass reality shows and MTV. Please, for the love of God, stop mentioning them in your random thoughts section! First off, no one outside of high school watches MTV. We did when we were younger and that was when they only played videos. The videos were cool because they had hot chicks in them. As for the reality programs, you need to cut off half your brain to watch them. I have to tell you that "your common man" doesn't watch this stuff. If he did, he wouldn't admit. You need to join a softball league or hockey team or something. Do some yard work or go pop a few back at the bar with your buddies instead. Telling everyone how much you like reality shows or the Real World is pretty scary. If you went to a bar and start talking about this crap, I bet you would leave with less teeth then when you came in with. If you want to talk about TV other than sports, then make it about what's on Spike TV. Thankfully, football will be starting soon and you can start talking sports again. Hopefully, you won't start putting articles in your weekly magazine on how guys should dress or what they should eat so they won't get fat. Otherwise we may have to come in and do an intervention on you man; force a six pack down your throat, make you play a few innings of softball and then have you lose all your savings playing pool for money after the game. At least then you will be acting like a common man!

Bill

Bill, you're way off base here. And the fact that there are a bazillion reality shows on television proves the point that I'm not the only one watching reality TV. Unless I have become so powerful that the networks are just catering to me which is a distinct possibility. Anyway if it makes you feel better, I played softball on Thursday, went to Newport for the 4th of July where I invented a drinking game that entailed throwing a football, a softball and a wiffleball into a bucket, I have a radio show tonight and two Barstool Sports parties on Friday and a photo shoot on Sunday. I haven't just been sitting on my ass, but I do have DVR and I use it to the best of my ability.

Email #4

Prez, Lance Armstrong isn't an athlete? The definition "A person possessing the natural or acquired traits, such as strength, agility, and endurance that are necessary for physical exercise or sports, especially those performed in competitive contexts" certainly fits. He isn't going to jump out of his shoes like Lebron, but neither is Peyton Manning. Manning is slow but he has a good arm. Lance can't jump or throw but can ride a bike better than either. Think of it like this. Lebron is too big to be a competitive bike rider, despite being a stellar athlete. Lance is too small to be a football player, his body is best suited for being an elite cyclist. Plus he's won the world's most difficult race 6 times in a row. That's the equivalent of Jordan winning the MVP 6 years in a row while leading his team to 6 championships in a row. Armstrong is helped by his team but they aren't considered the best team, I'm pretty sure the supporting cast isn't even top 3, plus there are individual time trials. All the same, other athletes are "helped' by their team and that isn't held against them. As for your top 10 athletes, most people would pick NBA players or maybe NFL players, but if the event were something like cycling, soccer or long distance racing those athletes are too large to be effective. One last thing, cyclists are using steroids (I'm pretty sure Armstrong does something) so that gives them more credit doesn't it? I'm not a huge cycling fan but I'm not drinking that haterade either.

Brian in NYC

I never said Lance Armstrong wasn't an athlete. I just don't think he is the cream of the crop in terms of American Athletes. I'm sure he could have played LAX at a small DIII school in New Hampshire or something.