Random Thoughts

URBANA,Ohio - A defendant had a hard time facing the music.  Andrew Vactor was facing a $150 fine for playing rap music too loudly on his car stereo in July. But a judge offered to reduce that to $35 if Vactor spent 20 hours listening to classical music by the likes of Bach, Beethoven and Chopin.  Vactor, 24, lasted only about 15 minutes, a probation officer said.   It wasn't the music, Vactor said, he just needed to be at practice with the rest of the Urbana University basketball team.  "I didn't have the time to deal with that," he said. "I just decided to pay the fine."

Well I totally agree with this guy, you always pay the fine instead of doing community service if you can afford it.  Freshman year at Providence I was caught by a priest trying to climb into a window of the all-girls dorm past 2 a.m. and my punishment was either community service (raking leaves) or pay a $90 fine.  Obviously there was no fucking way I was raking leaves.  I viewed that as "giving in to the man". However I didn't have $90 to spare so I did what any young degenerate would do – bet $90 on the Auburn/Florida game that Saturday night.  Fortunately I won the bet, paid the fine and never raked a single leaf for the man.  Anyway, let that be a lesson to everybody, if you have the choice between community service and paying a fine, always pay the fine.  And if you can’t afford to pay the fine, gamble the amount of the fine on sports and hope to win your bet. Just another life lesson courtesy of The Stool.

Foxnews - An Australian man shot a woman in the crotch after she refused his demand for oral sex, a court has been told. Laurie Edward Elliott of Adelaide was yesterday found guilty of threatening a person with a firearm and possessing a firearm without a licence. Elliott, 54, demanded the woman perform the sex act on him while the pair were driving in suburban Adelaide, the Advertiser reported. After the gun went off, hitting the woman in the inner thigh, Elliott told her the gun had gone off accidentally.The woman today told how the shooting had forced her to move interstate and the stress it had placed on her family. Judge David Lovell remanded Elliott in custody for sentencing on October 24.

This guy needs a new lawyer.  The gun went off accidentally?   I mean is this really his defense?  This basically implies that it is wrong to shoot a chick if she won’t give you road head.  Is that the message he wants to send?  His defense clearly should be that he shot her and he’d shoot again if he had to do it all over again.     Listen every guy on the planet knows that when you’re driving around in “Suburbia” that’s code for suck my dick bitch.   If at least half the people on the jury are men he’ll be found innocent in the quickest decision in history of Australian blowjob cases.    I bet even a couple chicks would vote his way too.    That’s how universal road head is.

MSNBC -- David Hasselhoff is taking his nickname, “The Hoff,” a little bit far, it seems. “He insists on being called nothing but ‘The Hoff’ now, and he’s referring to himself as ‘The Hoff,’” reports Sasha Perl-Raver at Gossipsauce.com. Perl-Raver says that Hasselhoff’s antics have started to wear thin on his fellow “America’s Got Talent”  judges, and that some judges might not return next season if Hasselhoff doesn’t keep himself in check.

Listen once you reach the heights that The Hoff has reached, once you sell out more German stadiums since the Nazis, once you achieve the prominence in the television, music and alcoholic fields like The Hoff has done, you can be called whatever the hell you want.  I just hope he doesn’t stumble across The Stool during one of his drunken, late-night Internet porn binges and runs into one of these t-shirts (see below).  Between The Hoff and Superman, we can only fight so many American heroes at once.

BRADENTON - A Manatee County woman told detectives she suspected her husband of having an affair, so she poured a pot of boiling hot water on his groin. Deputies are charging Maverna Turay with aggravated domestic battery.  They say she dumped the scalding hot water on his midsection while he was sleeping. He's now in Tampa General Hospital's burn unit in fair condition. Deputies say Turay told them she had been drinking before the incident.

Ladies, ladies, ladies. Come on now! Can't we all just get along? Listen everybody knows that before you go and dump a pot of boiling water on your husband's cock you need proof that he is cheating! Suspicion is not enough! How would you like it if we dumped hot water on your tits because we thought you screwed up cooking dinner on purpose? No this is still America where you are innocent until proven guilty. At the very least wake him up first and ask him whether he is cheating while holding the pot over his junk. That will likely get you to the bottom of this faster than a sucker punch to the dick.

NEW YORK—You may want to try this at home. Suresh Joachim, of Toronto, and Claudia Wavra, of Germany, claim to have broken the world record for continuous movie watching, after seeing 57 films in 123 hours in a plexi-glass house in Times Square. The attempt began Oct. 2 when eight challengers started watching "Iron Man." After 72 hours, only two remained. They watched "Thelma and Louise" until the end on 3:10 p.m.Tuesday.  The rules: Each movie had to be viewed until the last credit rolled, and competitors could not divert their eyes from the screen. They were allowed 10-minute breaks between movies.

All right, I’ve had it with this shit.   Enough with the freaking breaks!  First it was David Blaine, now it’s these losers.  I mean what am I missing here?  How can it be "continuous" if you take a fucking break!  Once you take the break, that’s it! You think Joe D hit in 31 straight games, went 0-4, then hit in 25 more? No. He had to go 56 straight fucking games.  Hey, kudos to these people for watching “Thelma and Louise”, but I’m sorry, once you stop doing whatever it is that you're doing, that's the end of your streak.

OAK RIDGE, Tenn. (UPI) -- A Tennessee school district said Wednesday it had reprimanded a high school football coach who allegedly pulled a knife on some of his players. Oak Ridge High Coach Stanton Stevens was given a verbal reprimand over the Sept. 12 incident in which he produced a pocketknife and opened the blade after one of his players patted him on the buttocks during practice. Superintendent Tom Bailey told the Knoxville (Tenn.) News Sentinel that the players were "kind of joking, playing around."Bailey was ordered not to display a knife again. The Oak Ridge district has a zero tolerance policy on weapons, the News Sentinel said.

This is another one of those stories you read that make you wonder why you live in Massachussetts. Because around here if a high school football coach whipped out a blade and threatened a player with it, he'd have been fired before the knife went back in his pocket. But in Tennessee, they appreciate the importance of a good football coach. It's a little something called "perspective," which we sorely lack around these parts with our stupid emphasis on education. That's why places like Tennessee turn out NFL players like a production line and the only guy to be drafted out of a Massachusetts high school in the last two years was Zak DeOssie. Because in the Volunteer State, a "zero-tolerance policy" means "We have zero tolerance for anyone wanting us to do anything more to the coach than asking him politely not to threaten any more boys with knives."

And don't be accusing Coach Stanton of overreacting. It's not about homophobia, it's about discipline. Like that part in "Master and Commander" where Russell Crowe whips the sailor for not saluting his superior officer. You start letting your players smack you in the ass as a "joke" and discipline in the ranks will fall apart. That's Coaching 101, and there's nothing like a little sharpened blue steel to get the message across.

JUBA, SUDAN - South Sudan's president shut down a police investigation Wednesday that saw scores of young women arrested for "disturbing the peace" by wearing tight trousers. The women were arrested over the past week by police who said they suspected them of belonging to youth gangs known for drinking, fighting and public nudity. But government officials, including the south's gender minister, said they were angry at the way the women had been targeted and treated after arrest. Police arrested more than 35 women Sunday night alone, angering bystanders by the way they pushed them into two trucks.  The deputy police commissioner of Juba County, Raiman Lege, said they were disturbing the peace by wearing trousers that were too tight. The group was freed Monday without charge after appearing in court.

Hey, all right!  Good news out of the Sudan for the first time since the 6th century! One minute Allah is up to his old tricks locking up women for wearing tight pants, the next thing you know the president of the country swoops in to save the day. Hey don't look now, but a couple of more decisions like this and Sudan might be in the running for the next Olympics!  Whatever the case, it’s gotta be a good sign for humanity when chicks in tight pants are allowed back on the streets, even if those streets just happen to be filled with tanks.

WHDH - A tailgater skinny dipping inside a truck bed at a University of Massachusetts football game has been charged with assault for allegedly kneeing a campus police officer in the groin after being told to get out of the water. Deputy Chief Patrick Archbald said 21-year-old Marshal D.P. Keating of Edgewater, N.J., was among several fans splashing around in the back of a pickup truck before Saturday's game against the University of Delaware. When police told them to stop, Keating initially refused to get out. Archbald says he then approached the officer and kneed him twice in the groin. The officer, whom Archbald did not name, was given morphine at a hospital. He could miss up to two weeks of work.

I’m flabbergasted by this story on like 10 different levels.  First of all UMass has tailgating for football games?   Who knew?    And since when did “campus cops” count as real cops anyway?    I thought it was just understood that you could knee them in the balls without any repercussions.   I mean don’t they carry fluorescent squirt guns instead of real guns.   And how do you miss two weeks of work from this?    Dude, walk it off like everybody else who has been hit in the balls before.   In any event if UMass wants to become a real Division I school they are going to have to start to let shit like this slide.  You think the campus cops at Florida will tell students to stop skinny dipping in the back of pick up truck before Florida vs. LSU this weekend?    I doubt it.

SELKIRK, Man. -- A Manitoba man is suing the mother of his child, claiming he shouldn't have to pay child support because he was asleep when she had sex with him. In a statement of claim filed in Manitoba Court of Queen's Bench last week, the man from Tyndall, Man., claims he was visiting the woman from Selkirk in late 2006 when he fell asleep. The man alleges he woke up and found the woman was having sexual intercourse with him. The man says when he "demanded that she cease and desist" she complied. But about nine months later the woman gave birth to a child that he agrees is his. The man is seeking damages including mental distress and anxiety, as well as reimbursement for all child support expenses paid and payable by him.

Fucking Brilliant!    If you don’t think I’m using this excuse for whatever problem I encounter for the rest of my life than you’re fucking crazy. 

“Hey Pres you’re being sued by DC comics for copyright infringement”

 “I was asleep when those shirts were designed.”   

 “Hey Pres there is the dad of a smokeshow in your driveway who wants to pummel your face in. “  

“I was asleep when that was posted.”

“Hey Pres the First Lady just found out you banged a bunch of Smoekshows after the blueball.” 

 “I was asleep when it happened.”  

Honestly it’s the excuse that keeps on giving.

Meet Randy Lewis. The Tennessee man was so plastered Sunday afternoon that he directed a 10-year-old boy to drive his van, which eventually crashed after the child hit speeds of upwards of 90 mph. Lewis, 43, was charged with drunk driving, reckless endangerment, and child abuse. When arrested, Lewis, pictured in the below mug shot, had cocaine in his system and a blood alcohol content of .26, more than three times the state limit, according to the sheriff's affidavit. He admitted drinking "at least 15 beers, along with some liquor," cops reported... For her part, Evans was spotted by sheriff's deputies shoving pills in her mouth while seated near the overturned van.

Look, I'm not a perfect parent, I'll admit that. And I try not to be too judgmental. Everyone with kids knows that look you get from other people that says "I don't like the way you're raising your children." But that said, and at the risk of sounding all holier-than-thou, I'm going to have to take the anti-putting-the-10-year-old-behind-the-wheel position here. Even giving Randy the benefit of the doubt and assuming he told the kid to stick to the speed limit (which I'm sure a reasonable looking guy like him did), I still think it was the wrong thing to do. I know, I know... it's easy for me to say. And maybe some time soon I'll find myself in Lewis' shoes with 15 beers plus some liquor in me and ask my son to drive and you'll all call me a hypocrite. But I'm sticking to my guns on this. By the way, how is a 10 year old even tall enough to push the pedal down to 90 MPH? The kid must be big for his age. No wonder Randy trusted him. And yes I do love the t-shirt; Don't be suprised if you see that being sold at our online store soon. We'll call it the "Randy Lewis"

DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. - Some students aboard a school bus in Volusia County said it was a terrifying ride home for them on Monday afternoon. The students said the driver stopped the bus on some railroad tracks along International Speedway Boulevard and refused to move until the children quieted down. During the incident, the Campbell Middle School students said a train approached them. "I saw the train coming, and I was looking up above, and I saw the rail guard coming down, so she started to back up," student Seth Pittell said. "But if a train is coming, their life is in danger. You're putting their lives in danger, and you're yelling at them, and you won't back up the bus? She was threatening to get off the bus and have us just sit there," student Joseph Geist said. A parent of one of the children aboard the bus said he believes the incident could have been handled better. "You pull of in a safe place and discipline them and turn it down. You don't try to kill the kids. You don't threaten them," parent Glen Teschner said.  Officials with Volusia County Schools said the driver has been relieved of her duties.

The parents can cut the shit with this whole the bus driver put the kids in danger routine.  This guy did exactly what he had to do.   Kids won't shut up? You fucking park that bitch on the railroad tracks and see who blinks first.  Something tells me these punks got real quiet real fast when that locomotive was bearing down on them.  No wonder we’re getting our asses kicked all over the globe.   Bus drivers can’t even scare the kids quiet anymore.   The pussification of America continues.

Mercurynews.com - A 20-year-old man shot a prostitute in the back because she got tired after having sex for 10 minutes, according to a recently released search warrant.  Ryan Graham and the victim agreed to a deal of $20 for sex in the west alley of the 200 block of T Street in Bakersfield on Sept. 17, police said.  The 26-year-old woman got tired after having sex for 10 minutes in the vehicle, according to the court document. The suspect got mad and shot her in the back as she left the vehicle, the document says.  The woman suffered a collapsed lung and was taken to Kern Medical Center, the warrant said. She was not identified because she fears for her safety.  Graham is facing several charges including attempted murder, assault with a firearm on a person and preventing/dissuading a victim/witness, according to Kern County Superior Court records.

Dude what the fuck did this guy expect?   Seriously you pay 20 bucks and you think she should bang you for more than 10 minutes?  20 dollars doesn’t even get you a blowjob where I come from.  I mean maybe you can shoot her in the back if you paid a couple grand and she got tired, but not for a 20 spot.  Bottom-line is you get what you pay for and if you can’t bust a nut in 10 minutes that’s on you, not the whore. Regardless let this be a lesson to all strippers out there. You need to do a better job at managing expectations. That's part of the gig too you know.

DERRY – Dawn Macomber of Derry is outraged. Why? She said that Hannaford Supermarket on Manchester Road was targeting young teenagers like her son, B.J., who is a seventh-grader at West Running Brook Middle School, when they placed a display holding pingpong balls in close proximity to where alcohol is sold.  Macomber is upset that a store that promotes a healthy lifestyle would sell pingpong balls in the same place alcohol is sold. She claims the pingpong display was put up so the store could sell the necessary equipment for beer pong, a drinking game designed to get players drunk quickly. "They are being blatant about it. There were packages with 12 pingpong balls," Macomber said. "The manager told me they were being sold as toys, but there were no paddles being sold. All the kids know what they are for." . The fact that children her son's age are already practicing to play drinking games when they are older is an even bigger concern. "There are kids his age playing water pong. There is a concern about water poisoning with these kids," Macomber said, referring to what she has learned about beer pong's popularity through the Internet and recent media coverage on the game.

12 ping pong balls in one package?   NOOOOOOO!!!!!!    Seriously when is enough enough?     We can’t continue to let ping pong balls corrupt our nation’s youth.   What we need is a good old fashioned ping pong ball burning.    Because as long teenagers can continue to buy these things or even look at them they will continue to abuse alcohol or worse yet water.    It’s a risk we can’t afford to take!  Thank you Dawn Macomber.    America needs more heroes like you.

Boston.com - Officials at the Waltham institution announced today that they had won approval from the state Board of Higher Education to change their name.Gloria Cordes Larson, the university president, called it a "landmark event," saying that "Bentley has become the model of a 21st-century business university.""Bentley has been operating at the level expected of a university and we are extremely pleased that the [higher education board] has recognized that," she said in a statement.

Bentley University?   Cut the shit.  Honestly who the fuck do they think they’re kidding?  Listen if Bentley qualifies as a University than Barstool Sports is a fortune 500 company.   Bentley University?  HAHA!

BOSTON -- A man from Ireland was arrested on Monday after he allegedly exposed himself at a MBTA trolley station. Michael Brown, 34, of Limerick, Ireland, was arrested at the Green Line's Symphony station around 7:30 p.m. Monday. Two witnesses reported that Brown approached them with his pants down and had made lewd comments to them. One of the victims said she could feel him against her lower back.  When police arrived at the station, they found Brown standing in the lobby with his pants down. When asked to stop, Brown refused to show his hands and attempted to point his penis at police, the MBTA said.  Police detained Brown and found a small zip-lock bag containing a white powdery substance. Brown was charged with open and gross lewdness and possession of a class B substance.

First of all I’d just like to clarify that this was not Jerry Thornton.    Not that he’s beyond pulling a stunt like this but he’s just not from Limerick.   Anyway it’s a sad day in Boston when a drunk Irishman can’t pull out his junk on the Green Line and rub up against some bitches.   Sad day indeed.    I mean the dude was on vacation!    If he wants to point his dick at the police than so be it.  Give him a fucking break.  Let’s just hope for our sakes that word about this incident doesn’t spread overseas because it could really hurt our tourism industry and right now I don’t think our economy can’t afford that.   

Let me start by saying I was a Manny guy during his entire career in Boston.   I never said one bad thing about him or any of his antics.  Every time somebody bashed him I defended him.    He didn’t run out a ground ball?   No big deal.  He pushes the clubhouse guy down a flight of stairs?   He probably had it coming.  He punches Youk in the face?  Youk is an ugly MOFO.    And I would have continued to defend him for the rest of his life if he just played out his contract and then went on his merry way.   And I probably would have even defended him if he was traded to some non contending team where I didn’t have to hear about him every fucking day and he kept his mouth shut.    But none of those things happened and now he has quickly risen up the ranks as one of my most despised human beings not only in baseball but on the planet.   I’m just sick and fucking tired of hearing what a great teammate he is now and how he has brought fun back to the Dodgers.  I’m sick of hearing him talk about how great LA’s fans are because they don’t care about winning and losing.   I’m sick of him talking about how miserable he was in Boston and how we didn’t deserve him. Listen nobody has ever debated whether Manny can hit or not.  But when you basically hold a team hostage and force them to trade you and then play the role of the victim it’s just tough to swallow.   In fact it’s enough to make me want to kill him.   So I hope and pray that the Dodgers make it to the World Series so Jon Lester can put a fastball in his eyeball and then we can boo him when he’s lying on the ground unconscious.   Because if anybody deserves to get treated like shit it’s him.

PS- This has nothing to do with jealousy either.   We’re going to win the World Series with or without him.  I just hate his guts.

GLENS FALLS, N.Y. - Sometimes, blowing your own horn is too much of a good thing. Glen Falls police said an upstate New York driver who was stopped for blowing his vehicle's horn excessively was charged with driving while intoxicated. Glens Falls police said Rodney Northey told them he was blowing his horn on a downtown street dotted with bars to "let people know he was in town." Officers on duty noticed, pulled Northey over late Saturday and found his blood alcohol content was .23 percent, nearly three times over the amount for legal intoxication. Northey was charged with aggravated DWI, a misdemeanor, and ticketed for excessively blowing his horn.

Listen I have no problem arresting people for excessively honking their horns while intoxicated, but come on, the guy was back in town!   How else was he supposed to let people know?  Mass text? Facebook? From what I hear Glens Falls is pretty much hell on Earth as it is, the last thing they need to do is lock up guys who are back in town.  They're the backbone of the community. Anyway if you’re in Glens Falls today, turn around, but first honk twice for Rodney Northey.  Make that three times.  Actually make that 39 times. Once again, the system claims another victim.

Telegraph - An amateur chef died the day after eating a "superhot" chilli in a bet with his friend over who could make the hottest dish, an inquest heard. Andrew Lee, 33, suffered heart failure the morning after he ate the chilli. Toxicology tests are now being carried out to see if the fork lift truck driver suffered a fatal reaction to the dish or whether anything else contributed to his death.  Cooking was one of his main interests and he went to his girlfriend Samantha Bailey's house to make a chilli.  His father John Lee told the inquest: "He had a bet with Samantha's brother who could make the hottest chilli then went back to her house to stay." Police officers were called to the house after receiving reports of a man suffering a cardiac arrest and Mr Lee was found lying on the floor.

Okay here is my question.  Do you think the guy who made the “superhot” chili is sneaky a little bit proud of himself?  I mean just a little bit?  Yeah I know he probably didn’t want to literally kill his brother in law, but the message is loud and clear here.  Don’t fuck with my chili because it’s lethal.   And wasn’t that the goal of this bet in the first place?   To see who could make who blink first? So my guess is that he’s 98% sad and 2% proud.    Let’s just hope and pray that the autopsy doesn’t show that there was foul play involved because I’d hate to learn that this guy died from food poisoning as opposed to pure heat. It would just ruin the integrity chili contests everywhere.

FOUNTAIN (AP) - Police say a teen solicited two men to kill his mother so he could sell her car and use her bank account to get breast implants for his girlfriend.  Authorities say the mother, Hyun Weis, was attacked with a small wooden baseball bat at her home Thursday but escaped. She was hospitalized and then released Friday. The nature of her injuries hasn't been disclosed.  Deputy Police Chief Mike Barnett said 18-year-old Nikita Lee Weis was arrested on suspicion of conspiracy to commit first-degree murder.
Authorities say Nikita Weis also wanted money to pay his rent.  Also arrested on the same charge were his girlfriend, 21-year-old Sophia Nicole Alsept, and the two men he allegedly hired, 18-year-old Juan Antonio Velez Gonzalez and 19-year-old Brandon Michael Soroka.

Listen we’ve all been here.   I mean who hasn’t thought of killing their parents to help pay for their girlfriend's boob job before?   But the problem is how do you enjoy touching them and sticking your dick between them if you murdered your mother to get them?   I mean it’s just a total mood killer.    Seriously if that doesn’t give you the limp dick when you’re hooking up than nothing will.   So sure it sound like a great idea on the outside, but practically speaking you’re probably better off trying to rob a bank or something.