Random Thoughts
1. FOUNTAIN (AP) - Police say a teen solicited two men to kill his mother so he could sell her car and use her bank account to get breast implants for his girlfriend. Authorities say the mother, Hyun Weis, was attacked with a small wooden baseball bat at her home Thursday but escaped. She was hospitalized and then released Friday. The nature of her injuries hasn't been disclosed. Deputy Police Chief Mike Barnett said 18-year-old Nikita Lee Weis was arrested on suspicion of conspiracy to commit first-degree murder.Authorities say Nikita Weis also wanted money to pay his rent. Also arrested on the same charge were his girlfriend, 21-year-old Sophia Nicole Alsept, and the two men he allegedly hired, 18-year-old Juan Antonio Velez Gonzalez and 19-year-old Brandon Michael Soroka.
Listen we’ve all been here. I mean who hasn’t thought of killing their parents to help pay for their girlfriend's boob job before? But the problem is how do you enjoy touching them and sticking your dick between them if you murdered your mother to get them? I mean it’s just a total mood killer. Seriously if that doesn’t give you the limp dick when you’re hooking up than nothing will. So sure it sound like a great idea on the outside, but practically speaking you’re probably better off trying to rob a bank or something.
2. SHREWSBURY, Mass. -- Two elderly women who tied themselves to a crab apple tree to protest its removal say they're being evicted from their senior housing complex. Lee Perrone, 74, and Pat Henry, 65, were protesting the Shrewsbury Housing Authority's decision to cut down the tree to make way for a trash bin. The women say the housing authority is now retaliating against them. Henry said she spent seven consecutive days -- about 10 hours a day -- tied to the tree. "It's a beautiful tree. It blooms. It's a beautiful sight we can see from our porches," she said. Henry, Perrone and Ethel Casey, 85, last week tied themselves together with rope strung through patio chairs and around the tree, taking breaks for trips to the bathroom and meals. Henry said the eviction notice she received Tuesday says she has 30 days to leave her apartment at Francis Gardens for "obstructing members of the Shrewsbury Housing Authority from carrying out their duties." Casey said she did not receive an eviction notice because she sat with the other women after the tree removal company left.
Holy shit the town of Shrewsbury doesn’t fuck around huh? I mean who evicts a couple of old bags for trying to save a crab apple tree? Listen we’re not talking about a bunch of hippies who want to save every tree ever planted in the history of the world. This is Ethel, Lee and Pat who have nothing better to do with their life than sit on the porch and watch the tree blossom. Seriously have fun in hell guys. I hope everybody in the Shrewsbury housing department gets fired and whoever plays Shrewsbury opening night in football beats them by 50.
3. MontanaKaiman -A University of Montana student remains hospitalized after he was repeatedly stabbed over a game of beer pong last weekend. Collan J. Sheppard, 23, has been charged with felony assault with a weapon and is being held on $50,000 bail. Sheppard, who is from East Glacier, stabbed Jerry Brady Stewart in the abdomen and the arm, puncturing an artery after the alleged disagreement, according to court records. UM sophomore Brenna Gibson − a member of the household − said Sheppard became angry with her over a “house rule” − a rule observed by some who play the game that depends on the household in which the game occurs. “Because Collan had been being aggressive with me, Brady (Jerry Stewart) stepped in and told him to calm down because it was just a drinking game,” Gibson said. The rule prompting the night’s incident stemmed from a “bounce back” rule, where, if played on a ping-pong table with an upright net, the opponent can shoot the ball again if they catch it after one bounce on his or her side of the table. If convicted, Sheppard could face up to 20 years in prison.
Well I can’t say I didn’t see this one coming. This was like a ticking time bomb waiting to go off and it is exactly the reason why I’ve been pushing for the Government to set up a National Beirut Rules Committee for the past decade. Because as long as there are people playing by different house rules there are going to be fights, stabbings, beatings, rapes etc. I mean take this story for example. I’ve never seen Beirut played with a net before, never mind being able to catch your own shot. So I’d be pissed too if I was victimized by this rule. Now I wouldn’t stab anybody over it, but I may roofie a chick or take a dump and not flush. Bottom-line is that the easiest way to avoid all this confusion is just to standardize all this shit. Same goes for fantasy football scoring as well. Seriously forget the fucking economy already and let’s concentrate on the stuff that matters.
4. LOUISVILLE, Ky. -- A Shelby County man and his wife said two doctors amputated the man's penis without his consent, and have filed a lawsuit. According to the lawsuit, Philip Seaton went to have a circumcision last October. Seaton said when he woke up from the procedure, he realized his penis had been amputated. Seaton has suffered mental anguish, pain, and has lost the enjoyment of life, according to the lawsuit. The lawsuit states that Patterson received consent to perform a circumcision and only a circumcision, and that Seaton did not consent to his penis being removed. Kevin George, the plaintiff's attorney, said Patterson amputated the organ after finding cancer, but he only had consent to remove the foreskin. "Sometimes you have an emergency and you have to do this, but he could very easily closed him up and said, 'Here are your options. You have cancer,' and the family would have said, 'We want a second opinion. This is a big deal,'" George said.
It’s all fun and games till you get your dick cut off. That’s why as a rule I don’t let my junk get operated on. I just don’t want to risk having an overzealous doctor try to prove himself by chopping it off without my consent. And yeah I know he had cancer, but like the lawyer said losing your ding dong is kind of a big deal. As a rule every owner of every dick in this country should be consulted before having it removed. It’s just common courtesy. In fact if Obama was smart he’d add this “no dick removal with consent” message to his platform ASAP. It’s like one notch below no taxation without representation.
5. Germany: An Aachen man who failed to reach orgasm during his $44 session with a prostitute has accused her of unfairly taking his money, according to a bemused police report on Wednesday. The john and the prostitute agreed on the fee for the 20-minute service in an Aachen alley, but failed to pick a specific goal for their undertaking, the police report said. When the man did not have an orgasm, he accused the woman of having a faulty "egg timer" that went off before he could. He then demanded his money back. When the prostitute refused to cough up the cash, he called the police. However, the officers were unable to mediate the situation successfully, and the man filed charges against the woman. "The criminal case for fraud will now proceed, as the fronts remain hardened," the reported concluded.
I'm no expert on the law... or for that matter, negotiating with hookers... but I took a couple of Business Law classes and I was awake often enough to know that what we're talking about here is an Oral Contract. No pun intended. (OK, pun intended. So sue me.) And as the old saying goes, "An Oral Contract is only as good as the paper it's written on." According to Law.com, "The main problem with an oral contract is proving its existence or the terms," and I think that's really the crux of the matter here. What exactly did the two parties agree to? He may have assumed he was paying for an orgasm, but does that compel her to give him one at all costs? What if he can't produce? What if he goes all Erectile Dysfunction on her or if he rubbed out the easy one minutes before entering into the agreement? Is she legally obligated to keep working at the guy for as long as it takes? Because time is money and she has the right to earn a living with other customers too. But looking at it in the light most favorable to the guy, what if she's not that good and 20 minutes isn't enough time? And I think he can make the case that an egg timer is interferes with his enjoyment of her services. In fact, it probably discriminates against those of us who are potent marathon men in the sack. You can't rush art.
6. Boston Sports Media - WEEI.comeditor Rob Bradford has confirmed to Scott’s Shots that part-timerRon Borges is leaving the site for a full-time gig at the Boston Herald. But Bradford indicated Borges would be done with WEEI.com on or about October 3 and that it is likely Borges will be writing for the Herald when the Patriots return from the bye week in San Francisco. “The Herald is getting a guy who is being read and I have the numbers to prove it,” said Bradford, who declined to be specific on page views. “He was living up to the investment we made in himBradford said he has no regrets in what turns out to be a month-long rental of the former Boston Globe writer who “retired” after his suspension from that paper for what the Globe termed plagiarism.
The Herald’s new Patriots reporter is Ron Borges? That’s impossible! Seriously how does this guy keep getting jobs? You know what this means don’t you? Yup, Tomase and Borges are going to be in the same building together! That sound you just heard was me puking all over my computer. I swear to God if it wasn’t for the Inside Track the Herald would have like 4 readers total. And Rob Bradford can cut the shit with how much traffic Ron Borges was getting at WEEI.com Because I’m not sure if anybody told Bradford this yet, but you can look shit like that up. So next time he wants to pull the “I have the numbers to prove it, but I just don’t feel like being specific" routine he should probably stick that in his back pocket. Somewhere in a dark alley, Jerry Thornton the best Patriots writer in this city weeps.
7. DailyTelegraph - A FULL-figured woman is facing 10 years in jail after getting collared as she tried to rob a bank for a second time - when a man recognized her enormous bottom. Police in Norf, Germany, say Sandra Meiser fled the first robbery with $28,000. Witnesses reported the armed raider was a woman with a "very large" backside. Weeks later one witness found himself behind what he believed to be the same bottom as they stood in a queue at the same branch."He called the police and they arrested her and found her ski mask and handgun in her jacket. He said he recognized her bottom straight away - he'd never forget something that big," a worker said.
This is so typical of fat bitches. It’s like they live in a fantasy world where they think they can dance at clubs, squeeze into cabs, fly on airplanes, vote, rob banks and nobody is going to notice. Honey you got a huge fucking ass!Wake up! You shouldn’t even be allowed out of the house never mind trying to knock off banks. Obviously people are going to remember you. You leave a gigantic ass finger print everywhere you go. Listen people may forget names and faces all the time, but you never forget a huge ass. It gets burned in your brain forever. Hopefully some good will come out of this story though and fat chicks will finally get motivated to hit the gym and become a useful member of society.
8. ESPN.com - The Patriots aren't going to be fine. I expected this to happen even before Bradygot injured. I've been skeptical for a while now. They lost their drive. They used to go out there and crush people, playing good football every Sunday. You could see when they were winning how great they were playing, how hard they trained and how disciplined they were. But then it became about 'who is this person dating' and whatever, and that's when I thought this would happen. I'm not going to say they're distracted because they're professionals. But when it becomes about all that other stuff it does take away from just going out and playing good football.
- Lil Wayne for ESPN
Fuck ESPN and their experts. All they do is bash the Patriots. We could win 1,000 straight Superbowls and they'd still say we suck and we're in trouble. The bottom line is that ESPN and their pseudo experts have no credibility in my book and they never have. I refuse to listen to anything they have to say. Wait a minute.....Lil Wayne wrote this? Shit! I guess we are totally fucked!
PS - Who knew Lil Wayne loved the Bruins, Sox and Wimbledon?
9. Okay I’ve been meaning to write this blog for a couple weeks now. Have people been watching The Island on MTV? What the fuck is going on with Johanna? She goes from being engaged to Wes one second to fucking his arch enemy (Kenny) two seconds later? Yikes! So much for taking it slow huh? Listen, I know that murder is illegal, but I don’t think there is a court in the world that would convict Wes if he went ape shit and killed the both of them. I mean if you start fucking everything that moves on national television 10 seconds after you break up with your fiance, you have nobody to blame but yourself when you get your tits chopped off. That’s free advice for all the ladies from the Stool.
PS - How did MTV not put Wes on this show? That’s the biggest crime of them all.
10. Sportingnews - "The biggest problem is the divisional setup in major league baseball. I didn't like it in the 1970s, and I hate it now," Steinbrenner wrote. "Baseball went to a multidivision setup to create more races, rivalries and excitement. But it isn't fair. You see it this season, with plenty of people in the media pointing out that Joe Torre and the Dodgers are going to the playoffs while we're not. "This is by no means a knock on Torre - let me make that clear-but look at the division they're in. If L.A. were in the AL East, it wouldn't be in the playoff discussion. The AL East is never weak." "I'm happy for Joe, but you have to compare the divisions and the competition," Steinbrenner wrote. "What if the Yankees finish the season with more wins than the Dodgers but the Dodgers make the playoffs? Does that make the Dodgers a better team? No." "People will say the2006 Cardinals were the best team because they won the World Series," Steinbrenner wrote. "Well, no, they weren't. They just got hot at the right time. They didn't even belong in the playoffs. And neither does a team from the N.L. West this season."
I think I’ve said this before, but I love Hank Steinbrenner. I mean every time I think he can't outdo himself he does. The guy is flat out insane. Honestly how fucked up in the head do you have to be to start bitching and moaning that the Dodgers are making the playoffs over the Yankees? That is like complaining that a 9 inning game is unfair because it isn’t long enough to figure out who has the better team. John Henry and his team of writers/pimps couldn’t come up with something this funny if their lives depended on it. Honestly I should try and get Hank to write for the Stool since Manzo doesn’t blog anymore. The guy is liquid gold.
11. NYPost - A man harboring a five-year gym-class grudge finally got revenge on his rival - brutally beating the stunned man at a high-school reunion organized through Facebook in a Gramercy Park bar, according to a lawsuit filed yesterday. Adam Lynn, 24, of Hoboken, NJ, says he was at the Proof Bar and Lounge early last Nov. 27 when he was attacked without provocation by Lucas Robak and Jacob Namer, according to his suit filed yesterday in Manhattan federal court. Lynn, a derivatives trader, remembered Robak from when his classmate picked a fight after a hotly contested gym-class handball game during their junior year, Fitch said. Both Lynn and Robak were suspended for one day after exchanging blows in the school hallway. So Lynn was surprised when Robak and Namer approached him on the bar's lower level, with Robak extending his hand in greeting, Fitch said. But instead of shaking his hand, Robak allegedly grabbed Lynn and held him back. Namer then began pummeling him in the face, the suit says The beating left Lynn with injuries to his jaw that needed hospital treatment, and he is now suffering symptoms of temporomandibular joint disorder, a chronic and painful condition, Fitch said.
This dude can cry me a river. Honestly what did he think was going to happen when his nemesis offered to shake his hand? I mean everybody knows that old gym class handball rivalries die hard. Five years is hardly enough time for the wounds to heal. So only a fool wouldn’t have seen through this handshake trick. It's page fucking 1 in the WWF handbook. It’s almost like this guy was begging to get his face punched in and suffer Tempromandibular Joint Disorder which I’m pretty sure is a made up injury anyway.
PS – What High School has a five year reunion? I guess schools that play handball in gym class huh? Bottom line is that everybody knows it’s 10 years or bust.
12. LAS VEGAS, N.M.—Coaches at Robertson High School failed to adequately supervise boys at a football camp last month or look into allegations of sexual assault by other players, allowing more boys to fall victim, according to a report from district officials. After the allegations surfaced, six football players were suspended 10 days for violating the district's anti-bullying policy. Five subsequently were suspended through the end of the year; a sixth was expelled.
State police separately issued a 102-page report last week on the hazing, which involved allegations of sodomy with a broomstick. The police report said younger players were told to "take it like a man" and that their attackers ignored their pleas to stop.
Oh, puh-leeze. Can we once and for all put an end to the wussification of youth sports? "Boo hoo, they were hazing me. Waa waa they shoved a broomstick up my ass." What ever happened to letting boys be boys so they can grow up to be men? Back in the day, this sort of thing wasn't frowned upon, it was encouraged. Kids football has a long tradition of kids shoving common household products up each other's butts. It helps sift out the pretenders from the kids who are really serious about football. When Mike Ditka was trying out for his school team, the seniors crammed a mop up his sphincter, sponge first. Dick Butkus made the varsity as a freshman and played the entire season with Hoover upright lodged in his rectum. How are the prissy little momma's boys at Roberston supposed to handle the backside blitz if they can't deal with a little broom handle in the butt? If you can't "take it like a man" your crosstown rivals aren't going to listen to your "pleas to stop" either, panty waist. Las Vegas, N.M. is looking for winners. If you can't take it, go try out for field hockey.
13. SOUTH CHARLESTON, W.Va. (WSAZ) -- As if getting a DUI wasn’t enough, a man arrested for driving under the influence got in a lot more trouble at the police station. Police stopped Jose Cruz on Route 60 in South Charleston Monday night for driving with his headlights off.Then, he failed sobriety tests and was arrested. When police were trying to get fingerprints, police say Cruz moved closer to the officer and passed gas on him. The investigating officer remarked in the criminal complaint that the odor was very strong. Cruz is now charged with battery on a police officer, as well as DUI and obstruction.
Ah, the last refuge of a desperate man. The old fart bomb. Honestly who hasn’t been here before? You’ve just been pulled over and failed a sobriety test. You’re about to go to jail. Your entire life is flashing before you. The cops are moving in to finger print you. Time is running out. What options do you have left? Yup, it’s time to rip a fart to end all farts and hope the stench is enough to ward the police off and give you time to escape. It’s the type of non lethal resistance and quick thinking that Ghandi himself could be proud of. Godspeed Jose Cruz. Godspeed.
14.People.com: Singer Clay Aiken is following through on a promise he made to himself as a new dad: to publicly acknowledge that he's gay... Aiken says he expects the news may overwhelm some of his fans. "Whether it be having a child out of wedlock, or whether it be simply being a homosexual, it's going to be a lot," said Aiken... The born-again Christian singer also reveals how he told his mother Faye he's gay four years ago... "She started crying. She was obviously somewhat stunned."
I of course have nothing against gay people, but count me among the legion of Claymates who are "overwhelm"ed and just as "stunned" as Faye Aiken by this news. Who knew? Not that you can always tell, but how did Clay keep his sexuality under wraps for so long? I've seen some clips of him singing and dancing on Broadway and they gave me no indication he was gay. Is this common? I mean, is this going to be like when ex- NFLer Esera Tuaolo came out on "Real Sports" and there'll be rumors that there are other gay men in musical theater? I admit, Clay had me fooled. I feel like my mother when she found out Liberace was gay. Not that there's anything wrong with it...
15. BOISE, Idaho — Less than a month into the football season, the Idaho Vandals are undergoing another makeover after spectators complained that cheerleaders' uniforms were flashing a little more than school spirit.After the football team dumped the school logo from the buttocks of their new pants, the university in Moscow got complaints that new two-piece cheerleader uniforms were too skimpy. "A number of fans were concerned that the uniforms were inappropriate," said Bruce Pitman, dean of students. "To be fair, there were a number of fans who liked them." The outfits that drew controversy, halter tops and short black skirts with white trim, were similar to what an NFL cheerleader might wear, Pitman said. The new uniform is black and silver with a less revealing halter-style top and a skirt about six inches longer than the ones that cheerleaders debuted earlier this season, said Shelly Robson, an adviser to the spirit squad and a fundraiser for the athletics department. The previous uniforms didn't flatter every member of the team, and some girls said their outfits were uncomfortable, Robson said. "Girls are just bigger these days, not everybody's a size zero," Robson said. "We're not being a bunch of prudes."
Wait a minute! Did the team dump the uniforms because fans complained or because the fat ass cheerleaders couldn’t fit into the new ones? Because it sounds like the fan excuse was just a smoke screen so the ugly bitches wouldn’t cry when their fat rolls fell out the side. I mean let’s call a spade a spade. What football fan in their right mind would complain about cheerleading uniforms being too skimpy? I mean it’s not like feminists and hippies go to the games right? No, this has fat bitches written all over it. And let’s cut the shit about chicks being bigger these days. Listen if you can’t fit into your cheerleading uniform than it’s time to find another occupation. The world needs ditch diggers too you know.
16. A couple in South Africa who were having sex on a railway track in Mpumalanga Province have been killed by a goods train, police say. Spokesman Abie Khoabane said... that the couple ignored the driver’s shouts as he moved the train into the disused station in Kinross town. “They continued with their business,” he told the Sowetan paper.
I don't think there's a man among us who hasn't, at one time or another, found themselves standing on the platform waiting for what seemed like forever for the goddamned T to come by and not thought to themselves "You know what would be a great place for some world-class bamging? Down there on those tracks." I'll admit that in my mind, I've seduced hundreds of Red Line commuterettes on the tracks at South Station. Because sometimes a hotel room just won't cut it and nothing says "romance" like canoodling next to the third rail, rolling in the rat crap. The only thing that stopped me from pulling it off was knowing that once a guy gets on the job, nothing... not even a speeding locomotive, will stop him. Well that and the fact that no woman was interested. This South African guy was just lucky I guess.
17. Modesto Bee - A 24-year-old Ceres man with his pockets full of jewelry and women's underwear was arrested late Saturday after being chased from a home authorities say he was burglarizing. When Ceres police took Daniel Ramos to jail, they discovered he was wearing five more pairs of women's underwear, some of them string bikinis, said Sgt. Patrick Sullivan. The underwear had to be cut off Ramos, Sullivan said. Sullivan said the family got home about 11:30 p.m. to find a man in the home on the 2300 block of Moffet Road, near Whitmore Avenue. "He ran out of the house with the husband following him," he said. During the half-mile chase, Sullivan said, Ramos elbowed the man chasing him. The victim lost his balance and fell, receiving minor injuries to his face and hands.
Ah, it's a story as old as time itself. Man dabbles with trying on cotton panties. But that’s not enough to satisfy his urge so he moves onto the hard stuff like Brazilian cuts and thongs. Next thing you know he’s spiraling out of control wearing five string bikinis at once and breaking into houses to feed his habit. It’s the shit they don’t show you on Intervention. Bottom-line is this guy doesn’t belong in jail he belongs in therapy. As a side note what’s the deal with the husband who chased this guy for half a mile only to get elbowed and take a digger? Dude if you’re going to chase somebody for that long do me a favor and have a plan when you catch him.
PS – I love how the police cut the underwear off like how they cut the pads off a guy with a dislocated shoulder.
18. SUDBURY, Mass. --Officials at Lincoln-Sudbury Regional High School say students planning to attend the next home football game must be accompanied by a parent because of widespread drinking at the last game. Two students were taken to the hospital and seven others were suspended after they were caught with alcohol last week. Superintendent and Principal John Ritchie thinks many more students were drinking and did not get caught. He called the incident a "low point." He says the requirement that a parent go with students to Friday night's game against Hingham High School will hold students accountable while sending the message that underage drinking will not be tolerated. He says the plan applies to just one game until a long-term policy is devised.
Principal Ritchie suspects many more students were drinking than the seven that got caught? Man this guy is a regular Sherlock Holmes. Regardless this policy makes no sense to me. I mean why not just put a couple more cops on duty and frisk kids as they enter the Stadium? Or is that like too crazy? Because my guess is that now lots of these kids won’t go to the game since their parents won’t go. So instead of hanging out watching football on Friday Night they’ll be drinking getting shitfaced someplace else. Not to mention there goes home field advantage right out the window. Sounds like a great plan to me.
19. VALENTINE, Neb. (AP) -- Beginning more than a year ago, some man has been skipping from one business to another at night, pressing his naked behind - sometimes his groin, sometimes both - on windows. "This is the weirdest case I've ever seen," said police Chief Ben McBride. Some residents of Valentine, a town of about 2,650 people, find some humor in the strange vandalism and have taken to calling the perpetrator the "Butt Bandit." But they also can't help but cringe when finding his marks. "We were completely grossed out," said Kalli Kieborz, who works in a downtown building. "One day I walked into the office and an employee said, 'Oh, my God, we've been struck!' "The police chief is far from amused. "It's not funny," McBride said. "We're worried about the next step." McBride said no one has reported seeing the vandal in action. The only clue is a blurry picture of him caught by a surveillance camera at the middle school last year. The man was 6-feet-tall or slightly taller, and slender. He had a dark complexion, and McBride said the man's dark hair was styled in a "1980s, feathered look." Valentine, in remote north-central Nebraska, promotes itself as "The Heart City." Downtown sidewalks are painted with hearts, and locals encourage people from around the country to send their Valentine's Day cards to the local post office so they can be mailed out with the word "Valentine" stamped on them.
No surprises here. It’s a scientific fact that 97% of butt bandits prefer the 80’s feathered look to all other haircuts. I can’t explain it, but facts are facts. Regardless just like Police Chief Mcbride said, I’d be very worried about what the next step is here. I mean it sounds to me like smeared feces or jizz on the windows is right around the corner. And trust me when I say nothing puts a damper on the Valentine season like a little shit on the window.
20. TALLAHASSEE -- A 40-year-old man walking his dog in the nude Friday night in northwestTallahassee was Tasered by police when he became belligerent and refused to follow an officer’s commands. An officer on patrol spotted the man about 8:15 p.m. in the 2200 block of Hartsfield Road, said Officer David McCranie of the Tallahassee Police Department.“He was obviously having some sort of emotional distress,” McCranie said. “It was unfortunate we had to use the Taser. …It was the only way we could subdue him without having to hurt him.” When asked what he was doing, the man told the officer, “Allah told me to watch a Bruce Willis movie and walk the dog."
Friggin’ Allah. I know he’s said some whacky shit over the years but this is getting ridiculous. First he says to slaughter Mickey Mouse, now he tells some guy to ‘watch a Bruce Willis movie and walk the dog’? Leave the man alone! Trust me, all he wants to do is jerk off and get to bed. That's it. I mean if you’re Allah, tell him to get a fucking job or something. He’s liable to get tased out there on the streets of Tallahassee. Obviously the cops had no choice so it’s not their fault. You’ve got a belligerent/naked man with a full hard-on walking a dog. What are they supposed to do? Read him his rights? Clearly this type of situation was why they invented the Taser in the first place.
21. NY Times: To Derek Jeter, the night sky seems a little darker and the floodlights seem a little brighter at Yankee Stadium. As he described it, “It’s like playing on a stage.” During Tuesday night’s show, the curtain was barely up when Jeter took his standing ovation. With one crisp swing on the first pitch of his first at-bat, Jeter dispatched one of the last remaining nuggets of competitive intrigue in a Yankees season that has turned dismal. He slapped a ground ball under Juan Uribe’s glove and into left field to break Lou Gehrig’s 71-year-old record for most hits at the Stadium.
I'm a numbers guy. And I love baseball history and all that. But this is just simply embarassing. There's no other word for it. This constitutes a record now? This is a milestone? Not most hits all time or most by a Yankee or most by a shorstop or something, but most hits in Yankee Stadium? Since when does this warrant stopping a game and giving a guy a standing O? Did Bud Selig show up with Lou Gehrig's great-granddaughter to hand him a plague too? And don't accuse me of making too much out of this. SportsCenter's been counting this down for days, showing every one of Jeter's at bats the other day as he went 0-5 like he was going after No. 3000 or something. Who pays attention to "records" in a particular stadium anyway? Quick, who has the most receiving yards ever in Soldier Field? Who has the most HRs in Dodger Stadium? Who has the most assists in Maple Leaf Gardens? It's ridiculous. And I guess this just shows how far the Yankees have really sunk; much lower than I'd imgined. It's so bad in the Bronx right now they'll fellate Jeter over some asterisk-worthy, minor statistical "achievement" just to have something... anything... to celebrate. Like I said, embarassing. It's almost to make me feel sorry for them. Almost.
22. Telegraph.com - Mickey Mouse: Enemy of Islam?He may have survived the battle with the brooms in “Fantasia,” but now Mickey Mouse has to contend with Islam.Calling the loveable Disney rodent “one of Satan’s soldiers,” Sheikh Muhammad Munajid said household mice and their animated counterparts must be rubbed out, the U.K.’s Daily Telegraph reported Monday. "Mickey Mouse has become an awesome character, even though according to Islamic law, Mickey Mouse should be killed in all cases." And Mickey wasn’t alone. Munajid also mentioned Jerry from “Tom and Jerry” fame is on his list of “impure” cartoon mice.
Man those Islamic Extremists really are fucking nuts huh? Who knew? I mean how do you go from saying Mickey Mouse is an awesome character one second to saying he is one of Satan’s soldiers the next second? Make up your mind Sheik. You can’t have your cake and eat it to. Regardless it’s been a real bad week for Disney. First Megan Fox said “Fuck Disney” and now the Muslim Extremists put a hit out on Mickey Mouse. Enough is enough. Listen it’s one thing to go around threatening to kill Americans, but once you drag Mickey Mouse and Jerry into the mix all bets are off. Here comes America bitches!
23. ABUJA, Nigeria - Police in northern Nigeria have arrested a Muslim preacher who claims 86 wives and 107 children, charging him with breaking Islamic laws governing marriage. It was unclear when the man would appear before the court, or what the potential punishment could be. Muslim principles forbid men to take more than four wives. Masaba says God enables him to maintain such a large family."A man with 10 wives would collapse and die, but my own power is given by Allah. That is why I have been able to control 86 of them," he has been quoted as saying in Nigeria's local media.
86 wives huh? I wonder if this guy is straight up with the chicks when he’s hitting on them at the bar? Or do you think he says he’s like a ballplayer or something? Because you got to have pretty low self esteem to marry a dude who already has 80 wives and 100 kids right? Regardless this guy must be doing something right with the ladies. Allah must have given him a velvet touch and a giant cock or something.
PS - I like how they only arrested this guy now. It's like the police drew an imaginary line in the sand at 85 wives.
24. NYPOST.com - Coffee, tea . . . porn? Flight attendants are urging American Airlines to filter its in-flight Internet service to block passengers' access to raunchy pornographic Web sites. The Association of Professional Flight Attendants said both employees and passengers have raised "a lot of complaints" since the WiFi service was put in place as part of a test project on several cross-country flights out of Kennedy Airport last month, Bloomberg News reported. The association said it met with AA officials and called on them to install filters to block offensive content. Although the move to carry WiFi access on planes has created a new revenue stream for the ailing aviation industry, it also has created new headaches as passengers retrieve sensitive e-mails and adult Web sites in tight quarters. "Customers viewing inappropriate material on board a flight is not a new scenario for our crews, who have always managed this issue with great success," he said. Passengers have been allowed to bring porno mags and personal DVDs on board flights.
What kind of stewardesses are these? I remember a day when flight attendants only had 3 jobs. Mix you a stiff drink, fluff your pillow and give you a boner when they walk down the aisle. Fast forward to present day and you’re lucky if they even bother to show you where the emergency exits are. And now they are actually trying to hinder your in-flight enjoyment. No wonder the airline industry is in shambles. The fact of the matter is that when you’re stuck on a six hour flight there is no better time killer than porn. A good stewardess should know this and shouldn’t be complaining about the diversion. If anything they should be suggesting a few good websites and helping clean up the mess after it’s over. I mean isn’t that what they are there for in the first place? To help with the enjoyment of the flight? Come on ladies, stop complaining and do your job.
25. GQ - With any of the Miley Cyrus shit, or any of that Vanessa Hudgens shit—I would never issue an apology for my life and for who I am. It’s like, Oh, I’m sorry I took a naked, private picture that someone is an asshole and sold for money. I’m sorry if someone else is a dick. No. You shouldn’t have to apologize. Someone betrayed Vanessa, but no one’s angry at that person. She had to apologize. I hate Disney for making her do that. Fuck Disney. Yeah. Fuck Disney.”
Listen I love Megan Fox. She could not shower for two straight months and roll around in dog shit and I’d still bang her no questions asked. But even I got to draw the line somewhere. Fuck Disney? Huh? No fuck you. Honestly who hates Disney? Even Stalin liked Disney. Guess what? Now if I ever get the chance to bang her I’m going to hate fuck her instead of just sexy fuck her. Sorry Megan but you brought it on yourself. Nobody says Fuck Disney on my watch. You might as well burn the American flag or take a piss in Arlington Cemetery. It just ain’t right. It just ain’t American.
PS - Fox also told GQ that she is a lesbian and used to date a Russian stripper named Nikkita. Yawn. Show me a Russian stripper who isn't named Nikkita.