Random Thoughts

1. Former coach Lou Holtz is joining ESPN as a college football studio analyst. Oh no, I couldn't have heard worse news! You could have told me that Osama Bin Laden was hiding under my bed and it wouldn't have been worse than this. Holtz is horrible in the studio, just horrible. He belongs on the field sneaking around the chicken coup, not on ESPN with his nose running and his screechy voice preaching to us. ESPN would have been much better using my buddy Todd McShay of Scouts Inc than Holtz. The only potential positive about this move is that maybe we can have a Lou Holtz vs. Bob Davies wrestling match at some point giving Davies the opportunity get revenge on Holtz for leaving ND with the cupboard dry.

2. At the Canadian Grand Prix two weeks ago a female reporter asked Scottish FORMULA One driver David Coulthard if he had practiced using a new button which controls a car's speed before emerging from the pits. Coulthard replied on live TV by saying "Yeah I have. I've been imagining it's your nipples so I'm being a bit more gentle when I take my finger off." And the best part is that the female reporter simply giggled and sent it back to the studio. There is no word on whether Coulthard banged her after the race, but he certainly didn't get in any trouble for his comments. Imagine if a football player said this to Melissa Stark? Nothing short of a public execution would have been occurred in the States.

3. So Phil Jackson is back as the Lakers head coach. This is the perfect situation for him. He is returning to LA on the heels of them missing the playoffs for the first time in 11 years. If he can turn them around he'll seem like a genius. It makes him look just as important as Koby or Shaq. And the fact of the matter is that I do think he will turnaround the Lakers because they have a ton of talent. I think the Lakers would make the playoffs next year regardless of who their coach is. If the Zen Master somehow fails, most of the blame will probably still fall on Koby or Jerry Buss for forcing him and Shaq out of town in the first place. I don't know how great of a coach Phil Jackson really is in terms of X's and O's but the guy is a genius when it comes to picking when and where to coach next.

4. I'm sorry to report that the Random Thought sign ups have crawled to a halt over the past two weeks. Therefore it's time for the Stoolies put on their hard hat and recruit more people. As a side note, I do feel bad when I beg our readers to do different things. But it's either ask for reader support or go out of business. So I lower myself and beg for the support. Right now the key areas where the Stool needs help is with more reader email sign ups, more people signing up for Party Poker accounts using the bonus code Barsport and of course people going to www.greatcasinodeal.com and getting a free 10 dollar chip from Casino Montreal. Anything you can do to help the cause is greatly appreciated.

5. I'm pretty sure I already wrote this same exact random thought last year around this time but it's worth saying again. The hottest chicks in America go to the College World Series. And to ESPN's credit, they are well aware of this fact because an inning doesn't go by in which they don't do a close up on some smoking blond or brunette. The college coeds are so pretty it is almost depressing to watch the games knowing that I'm almost 10 years older than these chicks.

6. I watched an HBO documentary on Kevin James and Ray Romano which chronicled them playing in the Pebble Beach Pro Am. First of all, Kevin James has a smoking hot wife. I know James is rich and famous, but I also know he is one ugly dude. His wife should be no better than an 8, but he somehow snagged a 10. Anyway, while there were a few laughs in the show I came away thinking that Ray Romano is one pathetic SOB. He acted like he just got diagnosed with Leukemia when he missed the cut for Sunday. I was shocked that any celebrity could take it that seriously. Especially considering he's an 18 handicap. I knew both Romano and James had no chance to make the cut when they decided to leave Clint Eastwood's dinner party early the night before. Clint wasn't even done eating when they took off. That's no way to treat a legend and they paid the price in spades.

7. I know it's still a little bit early to be talking college football, but I love FSU to cover the number in their opener. And how could I not love them with "God" at the helm. Yes, I am talking about Wyett Sexton the projected starting QB for the Seminoles. At least he was the projected starter until this development;

"According to a Tallahassee Police Department report, a police officer responded to a call regarding unusual behavior on Monday evening, the officer found Sexton lying face down in the middle of the street. Sexton, friends told the officer, had attended the rock festival in Tennessee that featured the Dave Matthews Band and returned to town Monday. Witnesses told police that Sexton had been making strange gestures, and at one point jumped onto a car. When asked to identify himself, Sexton "yelled that he was 'God,' " the report said, and acted in a manner irrational enough that the officer pepper- sprayed him. Only when police put him in a patrol vehicle did Sexton identify himself by name. As police transported him to the hospital, and upon arrival, he reverted to identifying himself as "God" or the "son of God."

Thankfully drugs were not involved in this outburst according to Sexton's dad. Phew, I was beginning to worry that there was foul play involved. Hmm, on second thought I'm calling bullshit on that one.

8. There was a post on the Barstool Sports message board today about Kelly's Roast Beef. (And when I'm talking about Kelly's I'm only talking about the one on Revere Beach because the Saugus one doesn't even exist to me.) Anyway, I'd like to clear up a little misconception that lots of non North Shore guys have about this place. The roast beef sandwich at Kelly's is not good. And anybody who takes their beef seriously will concur with this point. Kelly's Roast Beef is too fancy if that makes any sense. They have great burgers and onion rings, but the Roast Beef just ain't that good. As a side note I don't recommend getting a large plate of fried scallops late night when your shit canned because they'll make you very sick. I learned this lesson the hard way. It was arguably the dumbest thing I've ever ordered at a restaurant in my life.

9. I've been lobbying the First Lady lately to get a 2nd set of sheets and blankets for our bed. Am I crazy or do all guys secretly want this rule instituted in the bedroom? It just seems like you'd get a much better night's sleep right?

10. I'm not sure if anybody has noticed, but the Boston Phoenix has come out with a new and improved format for their newspaper. It is a HUGE step up from the bulky presentation that they had for the past billion years. But the paper does still fall apart with a slight breeze. Regardless, this clearly this is a reaction to the fact that the Weekly Dig is kicking the shit out of them. Frankly, I could care less about the switch because I don't really consider the Dig or the Phoenix prime competitors of the Stool. They both are going after the hippy crowd, which isn't exactly our wheelhouse. Anyway, the Inside Track reported the following story today; "The Boston Phoenix has pulled out all the stops to spread the word about its new tabloid format - even having writers shill at subway stations! Dan Kennedy and Adam Reilly were pushing the product at a Melrose T stop the other day - wearing Phoenix T-shirts." My question is since when is this newsworthy stuff? Shit, I've been delivering and handing out the Stool myself for the past two years. All I've got to show for it is that the Boston Chargers know not to hit me up for cash anymore.

11. Everybody should take a second tomorrow and tip a 40. Myron Cope, whose screechy-voiced antics and towel-waving enthusiasm became nationally known during the Pittsburgh Steelers' string of Super Bowl championships in the 1970s, is retiring after 35 years as a team announcer. It doesn't matter whether you're a Steelers fan or not Myron Cope was great for the game. It's sad to see him go. He is to football what Johnny Most was to hoops.

12. I have a quick comment about the Inferno on MTV and all the other Road Rules vs. Real World games. There is an obvious flaw in the way these shows are set up. I don't like how it's actually a benefit when somebody gets kicked off the show from your own team, especially chicks. The reason it's a benefit is because it's easier to complete the final mission with fewer players. (aka fewer chicks) This way you don't end up with Coral getting bit by spiders or having to carry fat Tina on your back. There should be no sneaky advantage from your team losing in the Inferno. Therefore, I propose some type of time penalty for every member of the team that didn't make it to the final mission. I've been thinking about this for a long time and I feel much better now that it's off my chest.

13. The Pats signed Chad Morton yesterday. If I was the rest of the NFL I'd be getting very nervous right now because it's clear that Bill Belichick is hoarding all the good kick returners and devising a special teams play that can't be stopped. My guess is that when the ball is kicked Morton, Troy Brown, Tim Dwight and Bethel Johnson will all huddle together so nobody knows who has the ball and then one of them will race down the field undetected for a TD. Brilliant.

14. Okay so I finally got around to watching the Real World Austin premiere. All I can say is oh my god. Basically MTV has just said screw it with trying to build a plot. Nope, this year they just decided to turn it into a combination of soft-core porn and a Segal movie right off the bat. It literally took 2 minutes before everybody was in the hot tub and chicks were making out with each other. And the show ended with Danny the token mass hole getting his face caved in by an angry Texan. A fight in which Danny was trying to find the guys who fought his roommate earlier in the night even though that fight never happened. If you are looking for sex, drugs and rock and roll I highly suggest this version of the Real World. And don't worry about the ugly virgin. She'll be a non factor within two episodes.

15. Did people know that Sylvester Stallone has his own magazine? Yup, you can go to your local supermarket or bookstore and pick up a copy of "Sly". That's really the name of it. And guess who graces the cover of the latest issue it? If you guessed Sylvester Stallone than you are correct. I wonder is the plan is to feature Stallone on every cover? Regardless, I don't see how this publication can fail. Is it too early to buy stock in this magazine?

16. A constant debate in my mind is what is the worst way to die. I've generally believed that getting eaten by a Great White Shark while drowning at the same time is a pretty bad way to go. But this kid may have them beat. A 10-year-old boy was attacked and critically injured by a tiger and a lion when he and his father visited Chuck Mock, who authorities say is the owner of 11 large cats and a bear. The boy was in critical condition Thursday at the Hennepin County Medical Center in Minneapolis. Authorities said Mock opened the door of a cage and a tiger pushed its way out to attack the boy. When the owner was pulling off the tiger, a lion then attacked the child.

I mean can it get worse than that? First you get attacked by a tiger and then when the Tiger is finally pulled off of you and you think you're out of the woods, the King of the Jungle comes rolling over and starts eating you. It just can't get worse than that right? This isn't funny.

17. So El Presidente got the best gift of all time from one of our writers Jamie Chisholm. Jamie fresh off his trip from Wrigley Field surprised me with my very own Cubs Nomar Garciaparra Tshirt. I don't think I've taken the thing off since he gave it to me. And not surprisingly lots of people have busted my balls about wearing the shirt. Luckily I've coined a new catch phrase to deal with the peanut gallery. Basically anytime somebody busts my balls about it, I simply say "Loyalty, that's how I roll baby." I love it. I'm starting to incorporate this phrase into all facets of my life. The First Lady says she doesn't want pizza for the 4th straight night. I reply by saying "Loyalty, that's how I roll baby."

18. It's very unlike me to get all mushy about an author. I've never been a big book guy. Reading just didn't seem to make much sense when you could watch TV or play video games. However, even I am tempted to fly to Great Britain to visit the newly opened Roald Dahl museum. This guy is the best writer in the history of the world, end of story. Daul's books make Harry Potter look like dog mess. You name a big time book and Dahl probably wrote it. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, "James and the Giant Peach, BFG, The Witches and on and on and on. If Dahl came out with a new book today I'd push little kids out of the way to buy it. Of course this could be a problem since I'm not sure if Roald Dahl is dead or not.

Reader Email

Email #1

HEY this is for Mr. Patrick Ronan I don't know who you are or where you are from but that song is a great song for us Bostonians as for you saying you wish that the boys from DKM were born in new York you can go screw yourself I am from Dorchester and we are proud of are boys you are probably not even from Boston you damn poser so on that note go back to where you came from and don't talk trash thanks for reading this now fuck off bye

I kind of expected to get a few emails like this when a writer rips local guys who have made good. Here is El Presidente's official stance on Tessie. I don't think this song should be played at Fenway. They should play Dirty Water and nothing else. But I do agree that Pat went a bit overboard saying he wished the Murphy's weren't born here. But to his defense he is an Irish guy who grew up in Boston so he has as much right to attack them as anybody else.

Email #2

Yo El, I'm in Lake Tahoe visiting my brother right now and it's funny you mention Happy Gilmore because the last time I was here, I experienced the best b-list celebrity moment ever. We were in a club in Harrah's called Altitude, and as I'm coming out of the bathroom at about 3am, I run smack dab into Shooter McGavin. I swear to god, he looked like he just swallowed an eight ball of coke and had 150 shots of Jamison (the worst I've ever seen a b-list celebrity look except for maybe Rob Schneider when I saw him at the first Holyfield/ Tyson fight, but that's a whole other story). His skin was sliding off his face, and his eyeballs looked like they were rubbed with sandpaper. So after I bumped into him, and noticed who he was, I was so giddy I exclaimed "Great Shot Shooter!". The next thing I witnessed sent me into ecstasy for about 3 months. He proceeded to give the gun shoot to the lips and the full leg kick as he disappeared into the bathroom. Me and my brother (who thank god rounded the corner at just the right time) went into a frenzy, hugging each other and jumping around like we were gay lovers who just won the lottery. It still gives me the chills thinking about it. As far as Horry goes, I've never seen anything more clutch in an NBA finals game ever in my life. This includes all the Jordan/ Bird/Magic feats I've ever seen (and I've pretty much seen them all). I don't think I'm overstating this at all. This was truly the greatest clutch performance ever. Shot after shot, rebound after rebound, and then he does a foul line launch Dr. J style and throws it down over McDyess. Unfuckingbelievable. The worst part is that I have the Pistons for a nickel in the series and I may as well write one of those emergency checks out right now, because I think Detroit is toast. One other thought. Have you or anyone else been watching the college world series? This thing is great, and the best part of it is that Arizona St. has Andrew Romine playing for them. Yes, the great Kevin Romine's son. He is a scrappy hayseed like his father. I just saw him get hit in the face by a pitch and he bounced right up like someone hit him in a pillow fight. Be good Dunkenstein.

ED FROM EASTON

Thank God for the glorious return of Ed from Easton who with apologies to everybody else is simply in a league of his own when it comes to reader emails. He is like Larry and Magic combined from the 80's. His greatness takes all of random thoughts to a whole new level. I laughed out loud 3 times during this rant. Quite simply he is the best at what he does. I almost want to sign him to a 3 year deal so he can't communicate with any other publication except us.

Email #3

El Presidente, I caught the first episode of Real World Austin and thoroughly enjoyed it. I feel it has all the makings of one of, if not the, best Real Worlds off all time. However, I can't help but think that the producers and casting crew at Mtv felt they found the perfect formula for hotness, drunken fights, and good wholesome entertainment with the San Diego season and are now trying to re-create it in Austin. They took this juiced up, meat-head Danny from Billerica and cast him to play the role of everyone's favorite motorcycle riding, bandana wearing, barbell- face, Brad. They then gave him a taller, long haired, mellow sidekick to play the role of Big Randy. To fill Cameron's shoes as the smoke-show blond, who falls for the aforementioned meat-head, they added Melinda. By the way, how hot does she look in those little boy-shorts? They then found another sexy, exotic beauty named Johanna to play the role of Jamie. The casting crew added another kinda hot chick to act as the girl with "a certain morally casual attitude" and be the next Robin. They then added the token black guy to be Jacques's replacement. Finally, they threw in another artsy, "I'm misunderstood", freak-show to play the part of Franky, without the knives of course. In my opinion, it's like the people at Mtv used a math equation. It's as if they simply added new faces to fill the same roles. (Also, are these the only two Real World seasons to be sans homosexual?) But with that being said, who the hell cares if it's the same? I loved the San Diego season and I'm sure I'll love this one. Now lets all just sit back and enjoy the arrests, soft-core-porn hot tub hook ups, and of course, the nationally televised tears.

Michael "Jammed" D.

It's a GREAT comparison. But I think they took the characters from San Diego and have pushed a Las Vegas theme on them. It's clear there is going to be lots of sex in this season unlike SD and more like Vegas. Also, I wonder what it takes to be a casting director for Real World shows? "What's that you say Johanna? You turn into a raging slut/maniac when you drink? Hmm, we'll see you in Austin. So Melinda you're addicted to sex huh? See you in Austin."