Random Thoughts
1. Denver - A Massachusetts man in Denver this week during the Democratic National Convention is facing charges of attempting to use a feces-filled bottle as a weapon. A Denver County Court complaint indicates 22-year-old Zachary Patrick Grey of Marion, Mass., was arrested Monday following a foot chase. The Denver Post reports Grey dropped the bottle while he was running, but that police said he was getting ready to throw it. Grey said the bottle contained coffee with soy milk, not feces. He said he wasn't protesting anything at the time he was arrested. The Denver City Council passed an ordinance earlier this month barring protesters from carrying feces for use as protest material during the convention.
Are you kidding me? A guy can’t throw shit at people anymore in Colorado? This is still America right? Regardless as much as I want to defend a fellow Masshole here, I’m having a hard time buying Zachary Patrick Grey’s recount of the events. Why would you run from the police if you’re not protesting anything and only holding a cup of coffee? Yup, he had to be getting ready to hurl some serious shit at people. Fucking Massholes…got to love it!
2. Foxnews - The next version of Microsoft Corp.'s Web browser makes it easier for people to surf the Internet without leaving a trace. Microsoft’s latest Internet browser includes a piece of software that allows Internet users to hide the audit trail of websites they have visited. The InPrivate feature on Internet Explorer 8, nicknamed “porn mode”, allows users to conceal the sites they have viewed at the click of a button. Once the setting is chosen, others using the same computer will not be able to see which sites have been accessed. Other browsers have similar functions, but this one is far more prominent. Although casual users cannot see the previous user’s search history, authorities such as the police will be able to access it if necessary.
Take that Iphone! And you wonder why Microsoft is number 1? While Steve Jobs and Apple are busy creating luxury gadgets and gizmos, Gates and his team are building everyday necessities like "Porn Mode" for your Browser. Now this is what I call innovation! Because I don't know about you, but I was getting sick and tired of cleaning out my cookies and search History after making a few visits to YouPorn and RedTube. It was just killing my productivity. Seriously with the amount of time this will save people all across the country, Microsoft may have just single handedly ended this economic recession.
3. For the past couple months I’ve been getting non stop messages from some chick at the Bruins. She never says why she was calling or what she did with the team. She just leaves her name and her number and says she is looking forward to speaking with me. I can never tell whether it’s a cold call or whether she’s interested in advertising with Barstool Sports. But the messages never felt right so I never called her back. Well today she calls me on my cell phone for like the 10th time. So I finally decide to give her a buzz back and see what she wants. I end up getting her voicemail which says she’s a ticket sales associate so I obviously hang up right away. Well two fucking seconds later she calls me back and apologizes for missing my call. She then goes on to say that she knows I’m a Bruins fan and wants to sell me tickets because this is going to be a huge season for the B’s, blah, blah, blah. I was like listen honey. “I don’t even like the Bruins or hockey in general. I’ve gone to one game in five years and that was just because I hate the Canadians. Long story short I’m not interested in loading up on Bruins tickets” Still she managed to keep me on the phone for like 10 minutes reminiscing about Rickey Middleton and Pete Peters. It got so bad I thought she was going to offer to blow me if I’d buy a set. And I got to be honest. I felt so bad for her that I almost bought some tickets just out of sheer pity. I mean this has to be the worst job on the planet right? I wouldn’t wish cold calling Bruins tickets upon my worst enemy. Forget Deadliest Catch, Ice Truckers and all those other reality shows. They should do something on people trying to sell B’s tickets for a living. Now that is dangerous shit.
4. JSonline - Tempers became heated Sunday afternoon at a roasted corn stand at the Great Lakes Dragaway in Union Grove, where a dispute over a returned product turned into a case of an ear for an ear. The stand’s operator, Vincent E. Wells, 46, of Milwaukee, was arrested after he was accused of punching a 38-year-old woman near her left ear after the two argued when the woman tried to return what she said was a rotten ear of corn. Wells said in an interview that he pushed the woman, but didn’t punch her. Deadra Cohen of Rolling Meadows, Ill., said in a separate interview that her husband bought two ears of corn for $6 from Wells while they were watching motorcycle races. Cohen said her husband’s corn was fine, but hers was small and white and tasted bitter. Wells said the ear had a small soft spot. She said she walked back to the booth, politely explained the situation and asked to exchange her corn for a new ear. “That’s when (Wells) got huffy and puffy, and that’s when I got sarcastic,” Cohen said. Wells told an investigator that he offered to refund the money and said Cohen was “rude and boisterous” and was “making a scene,” Cohen eventually threw an ear of corn into the booth, hitting an oven, the report says. “Where I threw the corn was nowhere near him,” Cohen said. “I didn’t fling it at him.” As Cohen and her husband walked away, according to the report, Wells approached from behind and punched Cohen in the back of the head, knocking her to the ground.
First of all I refuse to believe that something like this could happen at a classy venue like the Great Lakes Dragaway. I just hope this isn’t a black eye for motorcycle racing venues everywhere. Regardless if ever a woman deserved to get punched in the head this is it. Seriously what world are you living in where you think you can return corn on the cob? Everybody knows that buying corn is a fucking crap shoot. I mean if all corn was created equal then there would be no need to shuck them at the supermarket. But just like with life, there are no guarantees. Getting a small one that tastes bitter with a soft spot in the middle is a risk you take. It’s just part of the corn game. Bottom-line is that if everybody started throwing every bad ear of corn back at the people they bought it from we’d have complete and total anarchy.
5. Thepost.com - An Ohio University student was left to find her own way home from Greece after being found guilty of plagiarism on a study abroad program at sea. Allison Routman, an Ohio University senior from Minnesota, along with a student from California Baptist University, were expelled from Semester at Sea, a program sponsored by the University of Virginia, for plagiarizing from Wikipedia. “When we first arrived at the ship, they explained the honor code to everyone,” Routman said. “But it is a very complex system, especially for those who don't go to U. Va. and are unfamiliar with how it works. Because of safety concerns, Routman’s parents spoke with administrators to ensure that she did not have to fly out of Egypt. Routman was dropped off at the next port, outside of Athens, Greece, where she was provided with cab fare for transportation to the airport. Routman slept in the airport until her flight departed the next morning.
Allison Routman can calm down with all her excuses. I mean spare me the sob story about how you didn’t know that Wikipedia counted as plagiarism and didn’t understand the honor code. It makes you sound like a baby. Instead just be honest. Everybody knows that honor code doesn’t count in International waters. Therefore not only is cheating allowed, but it’s encouraged. It’s like rule #1 in the Semester at Sea rulebook. No books, no classes, no bull shit. Just float around on a boat and get laid. At least that’s how the forefathers intended it to be when they invented the Semester at Sea program. Bottom-line is that if anybody should have been thrown to the wolves/Egyptians it should have been the teacher for giving homework in the first place.
6. Foxnews: A suspended Texas police officer testified Thursday that he was forced to have sex with two prostitutes during an undercover sting operation, saying he was "paid to do it." Officer Keith Breiner testified in Beaumont, Texas, during a hearing to be reinstated after he was suspended along with another officer after it came to light that the men engaged in sex acts with prostitutes while on the job, the Beaumont Enterprise reports. "If you are asking if I had an orgasm, yes. It was a job, sir," Breiner reportedly said during testimony. "I didn't have pleasure doing this. I was paid to do it." Breiner admitted to being manually stimulated as well as engaging in oral and vaginal sex with two women at two spas during an undercover sting operation, the Enterprise said.
Well all right then. I was raised to respect the law and be grateful for the job that the law enforcement community does putting their asses on the line so the rest of us can sleep at night. So I tolerate a lot of the unsavory stuff that goes on among the less trustworthy cops. Bribes, phony disability claims, confiscating kids beer and keeping it for themselves, questionable speeding tickets, banging hookers. But there's one thing I can't tolerate, and that's a cop who's forced into having an orgasm and actually enjoying it. That's not part of the job description, I don't care how good a job you're doing at keeping prostitution from getting out of hand. So as long as Officer Breiner only had that other kind of orgasm... the non-pleasurable kind... I can accept that. And I'm sure all those Johns he arrested feel the same way.
7. NEW HAVEN, Conn. (AP) -- Nine-year-old Jericho Scott is a good baseball player -- too good, it turns out. The right-hander has a fastball that tops out at about 40 mph. He throws so hard that the Youth Baseball League of New Haven told his coach that the boy could not pitch any more. When Jericho took the mound anyway last week, the opposing team forfeited the game, packed its gear and left, his coach said. Officials for the three-year-old league, which has eight teams and about 100 players, said they will disband Jericho's team, redistributing its players among other squads, and offered to refund $50 sign-up fees to anyone who asks for it. They say Jericho's coach, Wilfred Vidro, has resigned. But Vidro says he didn't quit and the team refuses to disband. Players and parents held a protest at the league's field on Saturday urging the league to let Jericho pitch. "He's never hurt any one," Vidro said. "He's on target all the time. How can you punish a kid for being too good?" Jericho's coach and parents say the boy is being unfairly targeted because he turned down an invitation to join the defending league champion, which is sponsored by an employer of one of the league's administrator Jericho instead joined a team sponsored by Will Power Fitness. The team was 8-0 and on its way to the playoffs when Jericho was banned from pitching. League attorney Peter Noble says the only factor in banning Jericho from the mound is his pitches are just too fast. "He is a very skilled player, a very hard thrower," Noble said. "There are a lot of beginners. This is not a high-powered league. This is a developmental league whose main purpose is to promote the sport." Noble acknowledged that Jericho had not beaned any batters in the co-ed league of 8- to 10-year-olds, but say parents expressed safety concerns. "Facing that kind of speed" is frightening for beginning players, Noble said.
I say this without a shred of sarcasm. This is probably the lowest moment in the history of the United States right behind slavery. I mean a kid gets barred from playing baseball because he’s too fucking good? Do you think this shit would happen in Cuba? Fuck no! Listen it would be one thing if this kid was going around beaning everybody in the head or there were whispers that he was 14 or something. But it sounds like everybody is in agreement including the “league attorney” that Jericho is just a phenom. So how can you punish him? If anything he should be getting treated like a god and fucking chicks everywhere. I just hope and pray the real reason that "Will Power Fitness" was disbanded was because the league administrator is on the take. I can live with corruption and blackmail in Little League baseball, but I can’t accept telling a kid he can’t pitch because little Timmy and little Jimmy shit their pants when he brings the 40 mph gas.
8. Boston.com - A horde of green bandana-clad warriors descended on the intersection of Harvard and Brighton avenues in Allston yesterday, screaming, squirting, and slinging water balloons until Boston police, who said the fun was getting out of hand, stepped in to break it up. Answering the call of a local arts group, nearly 100 combatants, clad in wrestling masks, trucker hats, and military fatigues and armed with squirt pistols, hydrocannons, and water balloons, engaged in an impromptu public display of late-summer zaniness. The event, dubbed Allston Squirt Gun Day, was put on by a group of local artists calling themselves The Clone Collective. The battle was the second squirt gun war in Boston this month. Last week a group of 20-somethings, Banditos Misteriosos, loosely recreated a Revolutionary War battle on the Esplanade, complete with fifes, drums, and blue- and red-clad combatants toting water guns.
Every fucking day it seems like there is a new event like this. I know it shouldn’t bother me, but it does. Why do adults (I use that term loosely) continue to feel the need to do things like this in public? Listen I have no problem if dirty hippies want to have squirt gun fights, pillow fights or anything else in the privacy of their homes or back yards. But what’s the rationale behind doing this at a busy intersection where the police need to get involved and you may fucking kill somebody? The only possible explanation is that all these people must hate their lives so much that they need something like this to justify their existence. Honestly this is the saddest cry for help for possible. Bottom line is that if the creators of events like these really wanted to help their members they’d organize group therapy sessions instead of squirt gun fights.
9. NEW YORK, Aug. 23 (UPI) -- Stuart Ross, the man who brought the TV cartoon "The Smurfs" to the United States, attempted to extort $11 million from his son-in-law, authorities allege. Ross allegedly harassed his daughter's husband, Blackstone Group Senior Managing Director David Blitzer, in an attempt to leverage millions from the executive. The incident began after Ross borrowed $65,000 from Blitzer for a start-up business, but later evolved into repeated threatening messages for more money, authorities allege. The Post said Ross, who lost all of his "Smurfs" fortune since the 1980s TV series went off the air, now faces seven years in prison if convicted.
It’s a sad motherfuckin day when the guy who invented the Smurfs is not only broke, but trying to extort his son in law. I mean it was bad enough when Ed McMahon went bankrupt, but this is almost too much to handle. I mean what are you going to tell me next? That the guy who invented the Snorks is on welfare? I guess I always just lived in this fantasy world that the top 3 richest people in the world were Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and the guy who invented the Smurfs. Fucking sucks to be an American today that’s for sure.
PS – Anybody who says they didn’t have a sneaky crush on Smurfette is lying.
10. ALBANY - A married upstate assemblyman got caught with his virtual pants down - busted by XXX-rated e-mails he dashed off to a 19-year-old intern in which the besotted lawmaker admired the teen's "little cheerleader move" and longed to be her "human lollipop." Titled "what I wish," the Democratic assemblyman's list included: ". . . that I could be painting your toenails right now . . . that I could see you do that little cheerleader move . . . that I could be your human lollipop . . . that I could take a shower in your shower with all that girly stuff." "It was even better for me," one March 2004 shorthand e-mail from Hoyt reads. "ty [thank you] for doing the bikini walk. I thought to myself as others were checking you out, she woke up next to me this morning!" The e-mails suggest the affair began in late 2003 and fell apart in June 2004, when the intern, who is assigned to another upstate lawmaker, accused Hoyt of cheating on her. "How many girls do you have exactly???," the intern wrote. "I hate you. I knew you were lying, but I was so stupid . . . you scumbag . . . f--- off . . . leave me alone and go be with your other girlfriends."
I love the balls on this 19 year old chick standing up to this guy. How dare Hoyt cheat on her and ruin their monogamous relationship! Oh wait a minute, the dude is married. Never mind. Anyways you know why politicians always get bagged cheating on their wives? Because 99% of them were losers growing up and never had girlfriends. Therefore they never learned how to properly cheat on chicks. I mean everybody knows you don’t send emails and texts and crap like that. Everything has to be face to face and paid for in cash. But these guys are such greenhorns when it comes to getting pussy that they always dumb mistakes. Listen I’m not saying cheating is easy, but it’s not rocket science either.
PS – I get wanting to be a human lollipop, but what’s the infatuation with taking a shower with girly shit in the shower? That’s just weird.
11. CENTRAL ISLIP, N.Y. — A man who calls himself "Long Island's Favorite Magician" has been accused of secretly videotaping a mother and her two young daughters as they undressed. Police say they arrested Robert Infantino at his Central Islip home on three counts of unlawful surveillance. Police say the mother and her 10- and 14-year-old daughters were at Infantino's home-office for a photo shoot and had gone to change outfits when they noticed a camera hidden in a box in the dressing room. Police could not say whether Infantino had an attorney. A message left at his home was not immediately returned early Thursday. Infantino's Web site claims that he has been a magician, juggler and performer for more than 20 years.
I don't get it. Why the fuck was the mother and her daughters at a Magicians House/Home Office for a photo shoot? I mean did they read his website? He claims to be "Long Islands Favorite Magician" not Long Islands best photographer. I mean that’s like going to KFC to get Hamburgers. Proceed at your own risk. Regardless what kind of magician can't even hide the fucking dressing room camera from a mother and her kids? Obviously not a very good one. What’s that old expression? Jack of all trades, Ace of none. I think that sums up this guy pretty good.
12. Eonline - It’s a sad day for Wheaties. Kellogg’s beat out the “Breakfast of Champions” for the honor of featuring Michael Phelpson Corn Flakes and Frosted Flakes cereal boxes. Of course, nutritionists aren’t too happy about the switch either, since Tony the Tiger’s cereal has three times the amount of sugar as Wheaties and only a third of the fiber, neither of which help the fight against childhood obesity.
Sad day indeed. I wonder what the difference in bids were between Corn Flakes and Wheaties? I mean if I were Michael Phelps and I was rumored to be worth 100 million dollars, I would have sucked it up and gone with the Wheaties Box. Because I don't care how many Gold Medals you win, you're not a legendary Olympic champion until your face is on the Breakfast of Champions. And what's up with Corn Flakes getting in the mix in the first place? How many marketing wizards and hours of board meetings do you think it took them to come up with the idea? "Hey, let's just to steal Wheaties trademark!" Seriously can't Corn Flakes come up with their own shit. This is just lazy.
13. SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico - A Puerto Rican man has been granted his wish to remain standing — even in death. A funeral home used a special embalming treatment to keep the corpse of 24-year-old Angel Pantoja Medina standing upright for his three-day wake.Dressed in a Yankees baseball cap and sunglasses, Pantoja was mourned by relatives while propped upright in his mother's living room. His brother Carlos told the El Nuevo Dia newspaper the victim had long said he wanted to be upright for his own wake: "He wanted to be happy, standing."
Do me a favor and make a mental note of where you were when you read this story. Because I promise you this is going to revolutionize the wake business. No more lying in the casket like a pussy. Standing up while dead is going to become all the rage. And it’s not going to stop with simple poses either. Pretty soon the dead will be propped up watching TV, playing poker, dancing, riding a Jet Ski etc. It’s going to become a game of who can top this. And to think it all started in Puerto Rico with a man and his dream. Somewhere Bernie Lomax is smiling....
14. BEIJING, Aug 19 (Reuters) - Table tennis is desperate to attract more viewers and some in the sport believe a simple enough solution exists: get the women to wear skirts and shirts with “curves”. “We are trying to push the players to use skirts and also nicer shirts, not the shirts that are made for men, but ones with more curves,” International Table Tennis Federation (ITTF) vice president Claude Bergeret said.One player, Japan’s Naomi Yotsumoto, has taken matters into her own hands. At the Japanese national championships last year, she played in a daring ensemble of her own design: knee socks, a pleated mini-skirt and a shirt that left one shoulder bare. (Editing by Nick Macfie)
It took the ITTF this long to figure out that chicks in baggy cloths don’t put asses in the seats? Gee you think? I mean everybody knows that the only thing that matters in women’s sports is how good the athletes look. Don’t get me wrong a good sexy chick will be always be more popular than a bad sexy chick, but a bad sexy chick will be more popular than a good ugly chick. Does that make any sense? Let me put it his way. I bet if somebody started the SLPGA or SWTA (Sexy Ladies Professional Golf Association and Sexy Women’s Tennis Association) those leagues would be more popular than the ones that let the ugly bitches in. Because 97% of the people who watch sports in the world are guys. And guys don’t tune in to watch disgusting chicks compete for championships no matter how talented they are. Bottom line is that great tits and ass trumps great athletic ability 9 out of 10 times and twice on Sunday.
15. Let me clarify this from the very beginning. I have no evidence of this. I have not talked to anybody with evidence of this. As far as I know this is just a rumor. But it is a rumor that has everybody buzzing in Boston right now. And with Jason Varitek filing for divorce it has only fanned the flames of this thing. Now I first heard about this roughly a month or two ago. And I’ve probably gotten 1 email a week about it since then. It’s always the same thing every time. “I know an insider who told me Varitek is plugging Heidi Watney, so trust me it’s fact, blah, blah, blah.” But whenever I ask for proof they have nothing. So I have ignored this for two months because I wasn’t going to print something based on some anonymous tip from a guy whose only proof is that he supposedly knows somebody on the inside. But having said that it seems like more and more unrelated people are now saying the same thing. And I’m a firm believer that where there is smoke there is fire. But I can’t stress enough that this is strictly gossip at this point until somebody comes up with something concrete.
So why did I post this blog then you ask? Because if I had to bet on whether this rumor was true or false I’d bet on true. And that’s good enough for me and good enough to get published on the Stool. Because unlike mainstream media outlets, Barstool Sports doesn't pretend to always be based on facts. It can be, but it’s also based on opinions, rumors and gossip. We won’t publish something that we know is false just to create controversy like lots of places. But if I believe in my heart of hearts that something is true than I will publish it. So for me this would kind of be like if E! News speculating that a couple is dating or something to that effect.
And if this rumor is true I wonder what that means for the future of Heidi Watney? Because the way things are going right now, I don’t think there is any doubt that Heidi is way more valuable to the organization than Tek. Listen catchers who hit .140 grow on trees. Chicks that look like Heidi Watney are 1 in a million.
16. MONTERREY, Mexico—A 700-pound man once considered the world's most obese person left his home for the first time in five months Sunday with the aid of a forklift and a platform truck. Manuel Uribe traveled to the shore of a lake in northern Mexico without ever leaving his specially designed bed. A forklift hoisted the bed onto the truck, which then hauled him to the lake, where he snacked on fish and vegetables and joked with a local boat operator. Once considered the world's fattest man when his weight hit over half a ton, more than two years of steady dieting had helped Uribe drop to about 700 pounds as of June -- 550 pounds less than his former Guinness record weight of 1,235 pounds. While somewhat bothered by the summer heat, Uribe appeared to enjoy Sunday's outing. He is still unable to walk, and his last planned outing in March was aborted after the platform carrying his bed got stuck under an overpass. His last successful trip outside his home was in March 2007, when six people pushed Uribe's wheel-equipped iron bed out to the street as a mariachi band played and a crowd gathered to greet him. Before that, he hadn't left his home in five years.
What’s the big fucking deal? The guy just left his house five months ago! Are we going to throw a parade now every time a forklift comes and picks his ass up? And it’s not even like he’s the world’s fattest dude anymore. You want to impress me? How about walking? Do that and I’ll fucking hire the Mariachi band myself.
17. RENO, Nev. (Aug. 31) -- A dust storm chased away some participants from the counterculture Burning Man festival before its traditional climax Saturday night on the northern Nevada desert, authorities said. Roger Farschon, incident commander for the federal Bureau of Land Management, said the dust storm on the Black Rock Desert about 110 miles north of Reno began early Saturday afternoon and continued into the evening. A dust storm put a damper on the counterculture Burning Man festival in the northern Nevada desert, prompting some revelers to leave the gathering early. Here, some participants wait for the storm to clear in the Black Rock Desert on Saturday. The annual celebration of radical self-expression was scheduled to climax Saturday night with the torching of its 40-foot signature effigy.
The only thing worse in life than hippies are pussy hippies. I mean a little fucking dust storm rolls down the plains and these chumps run for the hills. Seriously who cares about getting dirty when you already live your entire life in squalor anyway? Such a fucking shame too. Because everybody knows that Burning Man just isn’t the same when you don’t get to torch the 40 foot effigy.
PS – I totally want to change my title at Barstool Sports from Publisher to Incident Commander. That would be one sweet business card.
“So what do you do for a living?"
"I’m the Incident commander for Barstool Sports."
A chick would almost have no choice but to suck your dick with a title like that.
18. SPRINGFIELD - Club 418 was in effect put on probation by the License Commission after two of the strip joint's dancers fought and one hit another with a stiletto-heel shoe. The commission voted 4-1 on Aug. 14 to find the club at 453½ Worthington St. in violation by hindering an investigation by failing to call police after a fight between dancers June 12. Police responded as a result of a cell-phone call from the victim, police said. A woman who said she was an exotic dancer was found sitting on the sidewalk in front of the club at 9:10 p.m., bleeding from her head. She said another dancer kicked her with a stiletto-heeled shoe in the forehead, according to the police report. The commission voted 4-1 to give the club a one-day liquor license "suspended" suspension, meaning the bar will lose its license for one day if another violation occurs within six months.
If anybody should be suspended here it should be the stripper who called the cops. I mean this is bullshit. Everybody knows that what happens in the stripper locker room stays in the stripper locker room. You don’t go crying to the cops/media. You keep it in the clubhouse. After all it’s a long season out there. There are bound to be ups and downs. Strippers are going to steal lap dances from each other. Some will suck dicks to get ahead. It’s only natural that the tension will boil over from time to time and somebody will take a stiletto to the head. But you handle it internally. That’s what separates the great strip clubs from the Glass Slippers of the world. It’s all about stripper professionalism.