Random Thoughts
1. Boston.com --- Five people remain in intensive care today after lightning struck a tree yesterday and injured 10 people at a Dorchester soccer game. The five men in intensive care range in age from 23 to 39 and include a man who was in cardiac arrest when emergency responders arrived at Franklin Field, said Boston EMS Chief Rich Serino. At least one of the intensive care victims -- Cruz Garay -- is in critical condition, according to a spokeswoman for BostonMedical Center. A 13-year-old boy is in good condition at Children's Hospital in Boston. The names and conditions of the other victims have not been released.The 10 spectators had sought refuge under a tree that was then struck by lightning during the thunderstorm that swept across the region.
Well I hate to be the one to say this, although I guess it’s okay because nobody died, but why the hell did everybody run under a tree in the middle of a thunderstorm? I mean did they all start flying kites too? I don’t get it, one of the first things everybody knows is not to eat the yellow snow and not to stand under a tree during a thunderstorm. What am I missing here? Anyway, I was out there yesterday too battling the elements... That’s right, me and a couple buddies were heading for the Brockton Foxy Lady when lightning knocked the power completely out from the local strip club and shut down the afternoon's entertainment. Of course you don’t hear anything about that on the news. Fortunately for everyone though, Club Alex's, whose backup generator runs on natural gas according to the doorman, was open for business just down the road.
PS - Gotta love the dollar dances.
2. SARATOGA SPRINGS -- A 19-year-old man must make an apology to the city of Saratoga Springs for dressing as an inflatable 6-foot penis and then parading across SPAC's stage at the high school's graduation last month. Calvin Morett of 337 Pyramid Pine Estates must also pay to have the letter published in the Saratogian newspaper as part of a City Court sentence that calls for him to pay $95 in court fees and perform 24 hours of community service. Morett had previously pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct, a violation. Morett purchased the full-body costume and sprayed some of the 5,000 people in the crowd with Silly String, police said. Morett graduated from Saratoga Springs High School last year.
I’m sick and tired of these half asssed pranks. I mean big deal. You dressed up as an inflatable penis and shot silly string at people during a high school graduation. Been there, done that. You want to impress me? How about escaping afterwards? How about creating an air of mystery on who that penis guy was? That’s the difference being ordinary and legendary. These modern day streakers wouldn’t know showmanship if it slapped them in the dick no pun intended, but intended. Makes me sad.
3. PROVIDENCE, R.I. - Two weeks after Joshua Lipton was charged in a drunken driving crash that seriously injured a woman, the 20-year-old college junior attended a Halloween party dressed as a prisoner. Pictures from the party showed him in a black-and-white striped shirt and an orange jumpsuit labeled "Jail Bird." Someone posted them on the social networking site Facebook. Above it, Sullivan rhetorically wrote, "Remorseful?" And that offered remarkable evidence for Jay Sullivan, the prosecutor handling Lipton's drunken-driving case. Sullivan used the pictures to paint Lipton as an unrepentant partier who lived it up while his victim recovered in the hospital. A judge agreed, calling the pictures depraved when sentencing Lipton to two years in prison.
What’s the big deal? It’s not like the chick died in the car crash right? And it wasn’t just like this was a random party either. It was Halloween. What was this kid supposed to do? Not go? Not dress as a jailbird? Let the kid live already. Seriously though I’m not sure any invention in the history of mankind has exposed the stupidity of America’s youth more than Myspace and Facebook. Honestly it never ceases to amaze me what people put on their profiles and then complain about after the fact. It’s almost like some people haven’t grasped the concept of the Internet yet. Yes what you put online can be viewed by other people. No you can’t sue entrepreneurial smut publishers who then exploit those photos for personal gain.
4. ATHENS (Reuters) - Nine British women were facing prostitution charges after being arrested at the weekend for taking part in an oral sex competition in the Greek holiday island of Zakynthos, police said on Monday. Six British and six Greek men, including two bar owners, were also charged in the incident, which took place at Laganas beach in the south of the Ionian island, which lies off the west coast of mainland Greece, police said. The women, who came to the popular resort on holiday, had been paid to take part in the competition, which was video recorded and was to be posted on the Internet, police said. The men were charged with encouraging obscene behavior.
Wait a minute, how are the guys in trouble here? All they did was show up a wild Greek bar and by the grace of God - a blowjob contest broke out. Listen I’m no Judith R. Margolin, but how is that illegal? I mean this is like arresting the hot dogs in the Nathan’s Hot Dog contest. It just doesn’t make sense on any level. And by the way, what are the odds you show up a bar and a blowjob contest breaks out? I go to a bar and hope for dollar drafts and if I'm lucky - maybe a Golden Tee machine. These dudes enter their wangs in a blowjob competition. As they say, it’s better to be lucky than good.
5. NYPost.com - Kim Kardashianbecame famous for her bodacious booty - but her man wants to trim some of the junk in her trunk. A source tells Page Six that Kardashian, who will wrestle Carmen Electrain the new flick "Disaster Movie," has been working out extra hard these days at the request of her boyfriend, New Orleans SaintReggie Bush. "He's been pushing her to work out hard," said our source. Sunday, Kardashian was overheard telling a friend at the opening of FUSE nightclub in Nashville that Bush made her run the dunes at Manhattan Beach in California.
Reggie Bush is making Kim Kardashian run the dunes at Manhattan Beach? Good for fucking him! I can’t even get the First Lady to do suicides in our back yard never mind run the dunes on the Cape. She’s always giving me some mumbo jumbo about how as long as we live at her mom’s house I can’t boss her around, but I digress. I bet the reason why Kim jumps at whatever Reggie says is because of that sex tape she made. I mean that’s like permanently having two strikes against you in a relationship. After all who wants to date a chick they saw get demolished by another dude? So now to try and keep her man, Kim is forced to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. It doesn’t matter if it’s threesomes, public blowjobs or running the dunes of Manhattan Beach. Once you make a sex tape you lose all power in your next relationship. It’s dating 101.
6. BOSTON -- Two more women are claiming that state Sen. James Marzilli behaved inappropriately toward them. In a lawsuit filed Tuesday in Middlesex Superior Court, one woman alleges he made lewd comments and rubbed against her at a political rally for Gov. Deval Patrick in 2006. Another woman alleges that while spending the night in Marzilli's guest room last September, she awoke with Marzilli on top of her. The woman worked for a nonprofit organization headed by Marzilli's wife, who was away at the time. The suit asks the court to bar Marzilli from harassing his alleged victims and any other women.
Dude what is going on with the James Marzilli persecution in this state? Enough already! We get it. He likes to inappropriately touch chicks. Big deal. I mean who hasn’t rubbed against a woman at a political rally before? Shit happens in crowded situations. And what’s with this chick who is complaining that she slept over Marzilli’s house and woke up with him on top of her? What did she think was happen? Everybody knows sleeping in a man’s guest room is code for I’m going to dry hump you. How naive can you be? It just seems unfair that now because of a couple borderline incidents the courts can suddenly say he doesn’t have the right to harass women anymore.. Let the man live for god sakes!
7. STICKNEY, Ill. - A family from suburban Chicago said they arrived at a funeral home Monday to view their 91-year-old grandmother's body, but instead found another woman in the casket. Even worse, the family of Lillian Grogan said the stranger had on the grandmother's dress and favorite bracelet. They claim the mix-up happened because the funeral home incorrectly tagged Grogan and another woman. By the time it was noticed, Grogan had already been buried. Her family got a court order to have the body exhumed yesterday, and she'll be reburied.
I can see the Grogan family wanting to pay their last respects to grandma and everything, but I am alone in thinking they're overreacting? I mean, it's not like Lillian got left out with the trash or got sold to a med school or a pet food company or something. She did get buried after all. She was well taken care of. Why put the funeral home... or Lillian for that matter... through all the effort? Why not just assume the family of the woman in Lillian's casket gave her a nice sendoff, return the favor and call it even, no harm done? (Though I sincerely home she was actually dead.) Besides, aren't all old ladies past the age of 90 pretty much interchangeable anyway? This was an honest mistake and it's understandable. There's an old expression among morticians that funeral homes are just like the airport: Many bags look alike.
8. FRAMINGHAM — Known among the nation's glitterati as "the Hooters of Haircutting" and "the day spa for dudes," Knockouts Haircuts for Men will open its first New England location on Rte. 9 this fall. Knockouts - a boxing-themed spa and salon for men - offers haircuts, hair coloring and lightener, manicures, pedicures, hair waxing and massages. Dishing out such pampering? Females in short shorts and form-fitting tops - referred to under copyrighted nomenclature by the company's brass as "Knockouts Girls." "We do hire attractive females," said CEO Tom Friday from his Irving, Texas, office Monday. "It's like the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. It's cool and a lot of fun." A "Heavyweight" haircut, which includes a free beverage, two shampoos, a head massage, and a hot towel treatment, costs about $30, said Friday. The company, which sold the franchise rights to four New England states to Boston residents Bing and Winnie Yeo in June 2007, plans to open a site at 328 Worcester Road - near Rte. 126 - by the beginning of September. Bing Yeo said he envisions opening 20 salons in the region. The company has more than 300 locations in 22 states.
In theory this is a great idea. In theory. But a funny thing seems to happen when franchises like Hooters or Knockouts make their way into the Commonwealth. For lack of better words they get uglified. The so called Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders of haircutting start to look a lot like the cheerleaders from Wildcats. And make no mistake about it. It’s the sizzle not the steak that sells with places like these. So Knockouts New England better bring the thunder with the chicks. Unless of course Bing Yeo is actually code for “happy endings.” Then all bets are off because you don't need nearly as hot of girls to get the job done.
9. CHICOPEE - Organizers of the third annual Fest-of-All say the four-day event that concluded on Sunday was a success, despite some rainy weather. The biggest attraction is always the fireworks, which went off as scheduled on Saturday. Also on Saturday, former Red Sox catcher Doug Mirabelli signed autographs for $20 each. Chapdelaine said 134 people stood in the rain waiting to meet Mirabelli.
That's it in a nutshell. The Red Sox burgeoning dynasty explained. Doug Mirabelli, a marginal Major Leaguer turned ex-Major Leaguer, a former one-trick pony backup catcher for the Sox, shows up at some nondescript event in some jerkwater Massachusetts town a hundred miles from nowhere, and 134 people stand in a line out in a rainstorm to shell out 20 bucks for his autograph. Owners of other teams can take their talk of "small markets" and cram it. The Sox don't have an advantage over other teams because of population or ballpark lease or taxpayer funding or any of that other crap. If anything, the Red Sox are at a disadvantage to most other teams. Montreal had more people and they couldn't keep a franchise. Half the towns in America built stadia for their teams, but still they cry poor mouth and say they can't compete with the Sox. But it's got nothing to do with economics and everything to do with fan loyalty. Everyone talks about how dedicated Cubs fans are, but if they cut their backup catcher this year, do you think 134 are going to drive to Joliet and stand out in the rain for a Henry Blanco autograph? Not on your life. That's the difference between being the Team of the Decade and 100 years without a championship.
10. ST. LOUIS, Missouri (AP) -- Belgian brewer InBev has announced it will buy its U.S. rival Anheuser-Busch for $52 billion to create the world's largest brewer. The acquisition means control over America's largest brewer, the No. 2 worldwide, moves overseas. Based in St. Louis, Missouri, Anheuser-Busch has more than 48 percent of American market share with brands that include Bud Light. It wasn't immediately clear how long approval might take from regulators and shareholders. Several Missouri politicians have expressed concerns about the merger -- especially how it would affect the approximate 6,000 people employed by Anheuser-Busch in St. Louis. The merger, if completed, will bring to an end to one of the most iconic names in U.S. business and a name synonymous with St. Louis. From college buildings to offices to the stadium where the Cardinals play, the Busch name is virtually everywhere in the Gateway City.
God Damn It! We just keep getting our face punched in huh? I mean AB should be buying Inbev not vice versa. We’re America for god sakes! Is there any doubt that the thing that sealed AB’s fate was when Miss USA took another tumble in the Miss Universe pageant? It was probably like an arm wrestling match on who would buy who and the second Miss USA’s ass hit the ground we got distracted and got pinned. It’s just so sad. I mean Budweiser is the great American beer except it’s not American anymore. How could this happen? It wouldn’t surprise me to see the Clydesdale's walking down the street in Abington except instead of Clydesdale's there will be American Citizens pulling the cart and getting whipped while doing it.
PS - All will be forgiven if InBev decides to advertise with the Stool. Then I say "Hoi" (Hello) and Welkom (Welcome) to our new foreign friends. And did I ever mention that my college roomate was from Belgium?
11. RAYNHAM, Mass. -- A 4-year-old boy was allegedly groped in the bathroom of a grocery store by an employee and the boy's father took the matter into his own hands, police said. The boy's father attacked the perpetrator during the incident at the Market Basket in Raynham last month. Police said that Valerio Rodriquez, 71, allegedly reached underneath a bathroom dividing wall and touched the boy high on his leg while he was standing on a bucket to used in the next urinal. The boy's father, who was also in the bathroom during the incident, told police that he forced open the door and punched Rodriquez several times. Police charged the boy's father with assault for hitting Rodriguez. Rodriquez told police that he was joking around, but he was charged with a felony account of indecent assault and battery on a child.
So let me see if I understand this right. Some wack job tries to cop a feel of a 4 year old boy while he was taking a leak in the bathroom and the kid’s dad punches the guy in the face and he gets charged with assault? Umm what am I missing here? What was the dad supposed to do? Just let this stranger give his son a handjob? This is the shit that makes me embarrassed to live in America. Rule #1 in the Constitution should be that when a pervert tries to molest your little boy at Market Basket you should be able to beat him to near death without any repercussions. Sad day for America indeed.
12. In the battle of the sexes, women's magazine editor Cynthia Good said this was a skirmish she had to fight. Across Atlanta they stood, orange signs with black letters that read "Men At Work" or "Men Working Ahead." Sometimes, the signs stood next to women working alongside the men. Good demanded Atlanta officials remove the signs and last week, Atlanta Public Works Commissioner Joe Basista agreed. Score one for gender equality, Good said Wednesday. "They get it," Good said about the city in a telephone interview. Public Works officials are replacing 50 "Men Working" with signs that say "Workers Ahead." It will cost $22 to cover over some of the old signs and $144 to buy new signs, said Public Works spokeswoman Valerie Bell-Smith said.
Well thank God for this. The last bastion of gender inequity has fallen and now the world is all set. Women finally have everything they need because motorists in Hotlanta will no longer be subjected to repressive, chauvanistic road signs. All the problems have been solved. No more forced clitorectomies. It's the end of "honor" killings. Places where women get stoned to death for walking across the street with a man they're not married to will knock it off. Peel off those burkhas ladies and shake what you're momma gave ya. I love women. But this is why I hate feminists. While the rest of the world treats women like they're less than animals, women's magazine editors are worried about the .00001% of American road crew workers that happen to be women being offended by road signs designed to protect them from getting run over. Never mind that 60% of US college graduates are female since there's a lot less money in paving roads than there is in being a women's magazine editor or a tort lawyer suing to get road signs changed. Feminists are like those Japanese soldiers they used to find on islands who were still trying to fight WWII. The feminists don't realize the war is over either, the difference is they won the goddamned thing.
13. ST PETERSBURG - A Russian woman in St. Petersburg killed her drunk husband with a folding couch, Russian media reported on Wednesday. St. Petersburg's Channel Five said the man's wife, upset with her husband for being drunk and refusing to get up, kicked a handle after an argument, activating a mechanism that folds the couch up against a wall. The couch, which doubles as a bed, folds up automatically in order to save space. The man fell between the mattress and the back of the couch, Channel Five quoted emergency workers as saying. The woman then walked out of the room and returned three hours later to check on what she thought was an unusually quiet sleeping husband.
Hey if you’re going to die I can think of a lot worse ways to go than at the hands of your folding couch. But having said that I’m not sure I believe that this was an accident. Because let me tell you I’ve slept on many a folding couch in my day. And never once have I been able to push a button and have it fold itself. I don’t even think Aliens have invented this type of technology yet. So this idea that you could kill a man with the push of a folding couch button seems a little far fetched to me. But if this couch really exists I will be the first one to apologize and go out and buy one for myself.
14. L.I.Press -- Looks like a weak economy has put a headlock on Ric Flair's foray into the finance business after less than a year. The 16-time World Heavyweight Champion's Internet-based company, Ric Flair Finance, is no more. When visiting www.ricflairfinance.com, the site that once boasted the "Figure-Four Process" of securing a loan now simply lists contact information for booking a Flair personal appearance. A person who answered the phone at the contact, the Columbia, S.C.-based Gillespie Agency, confirmed that Ric Flair Finance is out of business. The person didn't know how long the company had been offline but that the finance company had been trying to "wrap things up for awhile." The company opened last September.
Listen I know gas prices are skyrocketing and the U.S. dollar won’t even get you a handjob in Canada anymore, but once “Ric Flair Finance” goes broke you know the shit has hit the fan. I mean the guy won the belt 16 freaking times! What does this say to all the 5 and 6-time champs like Bret Hart and Booker T who want to start their own finance company? Forget it. After 25 years, now I know what Reagan meant by "trickle-down economics".
15. Palmbeachpost.com - New England Patriots coachBill Belichickmay want to keep a discreet eye on his credit card bills. His galpal, Tequesta momLinda Holliday, recently settled a lawsuit in a Palm Beach County court in which she was accused of using an ex-boyfriend’s credit card — and failing to make good on her promise to pay the guy back. The ex, Jupiter property management company owner Bill Mayfield, said he couldn’t comment because the March settlement includes a confidentiality agreement.“All I can say is that I never sued anyone in my entire life before this,” he said. According to court documents, the 45-year-old Holliday racked up $26,314 worth of charges on Mayfield’s credit card between October 2006 and February 2007. About $18,704 remained unpaid by late 2007, according to court documents, sparking the lawsuit. Mayfield, meanwhile, has been telling friends (including one who talked at length to Page 2.1 about Mayfield’s relationship with Holliday) how he found out that his then-girlfriend had spent time with Belichick. Holliday and the Patriots’ top dog met at the Palm Beach Gardens nightspot Noche while on a “girls night out” in February 2007. Mayfield cut her off the following morning — after he signed for a flower delivery from Belichick. The note read: “Thanks for the wonderful evening. Bill.”Belichick said he didn’t want to discuss his galpal’s lawsuit. “You need an interview about this?” the grumpy football Yoda said when reached at home in Weston, Mass. “Any interview request needs to go through the Patriots.”
First of all who the fuck does the Palm Beach Post think they are calling Bill Belichick at his home? They don’t have the fucking right to do that! The guy has won 3 superbowls! Show him some god damn respect! I think he’s earned it. Now as far this story goes it’s pretty obvious what happened here. Bill Mayfield never expected Linda Holliday to pay back the credit card debt. But he just can’t accept the fact that his trophy girlfriend dumped his ass 10 seconds after she met Belichick. So now he is whining like a little girl and suing her ass. It’s kind of like how the Colts complain about the rules every time we beat them. Luckily for Linda, I’m sure Bill Belichick will ride in on his white horse and save the day like he always does by paying this outrageous settlement. It’s just sad that Bill Mayfield can’t admit that he got beat by the better man. Listen I wouldn’t be mad at the First Lady if she told me she was leaving me for Tom Brady. Sometimes you just got to tip your cap to the other guy. Everybody knows you can’t compete with the greatest coach of all time for chicks so deal with it and pay your bills like a man.
16. MADISON, Wis. - Wisconsin law bans sex with dead bodies, the state Supreme Court ruled Wednesday in reinstating charges against three men accused of digging up a corpse to have sex with it. The court waded into the grisly case after lower court judges ruled nothing in state law banned necrophilia. Not anymore, the court ruled in a 5-2 decision. Justice Patience Roggensack, writing a majority opinion with three other justices, said state law bans sexual intercourse with anyone who does not give consent whether a victim is dead or alive at the time. Dead bodies obviously can't give consent, she said. The decision brings Wisconsin's law in line with more than 20 other states who prohibit necrophilia or the abuse of a corpse...
See? The American system of government works. Take that, Europe! Sure, its easy to make fun of a judicial system that produced the OJ trial or multi-million dollar civil awards for hot coffee turning out to be hot. But in Wisconsin at least, they've got judges who know that corpses can't give their consent to sex. (Save for the use of a Ouija board, I suppose.) So at last you can bury granny in the Wisconsin Dells, downtown Milwaukee or in the shadow of Lambeau Field, safe in the knowledge that she can't be dug up and sodomized, just like in 40% of the other states. God bless America's Dairyland for their visionary thinking on this issue. This gets my vote for THE single most disturbing item in the history of the Stool. Honestly, halfway through reading this article I had to check the URL to make sure it wasn't something from The Onion. Two justices dissented? What was their argument? That sex between a person and a former person is a constitutional right? And how about the Chief Justice is named Patience Roggensack? Or that the Grunke twins and Radke brought condoms along, which was smart because the last thing any necrophiliac needs is to get a dead girl pregnant. Because then you'll be paying child support for eternity.
17. Freep.com - Flint residents now have to watch their butts because Police Chief David Dicks is on the lookout. Dicks, who took over the department last month on an interim basis, announced that his officers would start arresting people wearing saggy pants that expose skivvies, boxer shorts or bare bottoms. "Some people call it a fad," Dicks told the Free Press this week while patrolling the streets of Flint. "But I believe it's a national nuisance. It is indecent and thus it is indecent exposure, which has been on the books for years." On June 27, the chief issued a departmental memorandum telling officers: "This immoral self expression goes beyond freedom of expression." The crime, he says, is disorderly conduct or indecent exposure, both misdemeanors punishable by 93 days to a year in jail and/or fines up to $500.
“Flint residents now have to watch their butts because Police Chief Dicks is on the lookout?”
What am I on candid camera or something? I mean come on! This sounds like the opening line to a porno or something. Once again God has outdone himself. Regardless I’m totally lost on how wearing saggy pants can be deemed against the law? I guarantee you Sweet Mo Pete and Mateen Cleaves didn’t sign off on this shit. I mean as long your dick and asshole isn’t showing you should be able to wear whatever the fuck you want. But if Chief Dicks wants to start arresting people for ugly fashion statements he should start with big sunglasses and Capri pants. Because both of these things have been making hot girls look ugly since 2004 and that is the definition of true crime.
18. BBC.com- A teenager who thought movement in her underwear was caused by her vibrating mobile phone found a bat curled up asleep in her bra. Abbie Hawkins, 19, of Norwich, had been wearing the bra for five hours when she plucked up the courage to investigate. When she did, she found a baby bat in padding in her 34FF bra. The hotel receptionist said she was shocked but felt bad for removing the "cuddly" bat. "It looked cosy and comfortable and I was sorry for disturbing it," she said. She was sitting at her desk at work when she decided to investigate the strange movements in her underwear. "I put my hand down my bra and pulled out a cuddly little bat. "I did not notice anything as I put my bra on. The night before I had had one or two drinks and I was getting ready quickly.
Hey this bat ain’t stupid. If you’re going to sleep in a chicks tits, find the chick with the 34FF boobs. I mean I didn’t even know those things existed until reading this article. Kudos to the bat. As a side note, what’s the highest cup size in the universe? My guess is double LL’s. But that’s just a wild guess. It seems right though.
PS - You know a chick means business when she hold her cell phone in her tits.
19. Adventproduct.net - The Ziplock Condom Package with Wipe would offer consumers a simple and efficient means of disposing a used condom following sexual activity. A cleverly designed enhancement to condom packaging boasting both a resealable pouch and a hypoallergenic cleansing wipe, the Ziplock Condom Package with Wipe would offer consumers a sanitary way in which to cleanse their body and neatly dispose of a condom and wipe following sexual encounters. Enabling the user to quickly remove and discard a condom, use of the Ziplock Condom Package with Wipe could effectively prevent the frustration and embarrassment associated with this aspect of love-making. Most importantly, because the Ziplock Condom Package with Wipe would make the task of cleaning up after oneself and disposing a condom so quick and easy, use of this product could not only serve to promote safe sexual conduct, but clean and easy disposal.
Listen I'll all for cleanliness. But can I ask a stupid question? How are you supposed to put this thing in your wallet like God intended? See that's the beauty of the traditional condom wrapper. You can take it with you wherever you go so you’re always ready should unexpected sex breaks out. But the Ziplock Condom is too bulky to fit in your wallet. Seems like a pretty big problem if you ask me. Plus there is something to be said for watching how a chick disposes of a used condom. It not only says a lot about her freak factor but the state of the relationship. Does she touch it at all? Does she make you do all the work? Does she drink that shit porno style? Lots of little insights to be gained into her mental psyche. But I do think they may be onto something with the handiwipe aspect of this thing. I mean who wouldn’t like to freshen up their dick a little bit after sex? That’s just human nature.