Random Thoughts

1. This strikes me as one of the funniest things I've heard in a long time. Ozzie Canseco put his AL Championship ring on sale on EBay. As it turns out the guy who won stiffed poor Ozzie. The best part about the incident is that Ozzie took the time to post negative feedback about the buyer:

Very unprofessional, tried to contact various times and got no reply. No payment!

There is something just hilarious about this whole incident. I can just picture Ozzie sitting at an undersized desk trying to type in his complaint.

2. Actor Christian Slater was arrested last week and charged with groping a woman on a Manhattan street, police said. Slater, 35, was accused of touching the woman's buttocks near 93rd Street and Third Avenue on the Upper East Side around 1:50 a.m., said a police spokesman, Detective John Sweeney. The woman, who was not identified, flagged down police to report the incident, Sweeney said. Slater was found nearby and the woman identified him as the man who groped her.

This story stinks. First of all why would Christian Slater be copping feels of random chicks' asses when reports had him banging Lindsey Lohan just a few weeks ago? Also, the logistics of this case don't make sense. I know when I grab a random chick’s ass at 2am in the middle of the street I high tail it out of there. You don't linger around the scene of the crime. And what made this lady think she'd be able to find Slater? Was the cop already standing there when Slater grabbed her ass or did she have to flag down a cop and then send out a search party looking for the ass grabber? It just doesn't add up. As a side note, 97% of the guys who go out in Faneuil Hall could apparently be arrested on any given night.

3. The big news from last week’s Barstool Sports Radio show was that we got bleeped for the first time in our career. We were talking about the Milton Academy Hockey Players who were charged with sex crimes for receiving blowjobs from a 15 year old girl. Obviously it was a joke that these guys got in so much trouble when in reality it was just a sophomore slut giving head to the hockey team. The girl is a serial blow job giver. Anyway we used the abbreviation "BJ's" to describe the blowjobs which I thought was very PC of us. But apparently not PC enough for 1510 because it got bleeped out. Still I'm one of those guys that think you're not pushing the envelope hard enough if you're not getting bleeped out once a show so I was happy with it.

4. We couldn’t let random thoughts go by without congratulating Anurag Kashyap of California who nailed down the U.S Spelling Bee championship after breezing through the word "appoggiatura" in the 19th round. Kashyap edged out Samir Patel who finished in second place. Nothing like good old farm boys competing for the most American of all titles, the Scripts Spelling Bee National Championship.

5. According to the Inside Track, Mo Vaughn was spotted wearing a black Yankees baseball cap at Drai's, a club in the Barbary Coast casino in Las Vegas. What the hell Mo? I feel like Mo Vaughn still considers himself a Red Sox at heart. So what gives with the Yankees hat? This is totally unacceptable. That would be the first question I ask him when he comes to town to interview at NESN for Sam Horn's job. And you know he's coming in the next 5-10 years for sure. Wearing a Yankees hat is the type of thing that can lose you that gig.

6. Sean Taylor keeps improving his chances for the NFL citizen of the year award. Taylor surrendered yesterday on charges of aggravated assault with a firearm and simple battery. According to a police statement, Taylor pointed a gun at an unidentified person Wednesday during a dispute over two all-terrain vehicles he claimed were stolen. Taylor left the scene but returned about 10 minutes later and punched one person. The former Miami Hurricanes standout has had a tempestuous start to his NFL career. He has fired two agents, was fined for skipping one day of the NFL's mandatory rookie symposium and was accused of spitting on a player during a game at Cincinnati, although he wasn't punished because the league said there was no video evidence. He was also charged with drunken driving in October, when he was pulled over at 2:45 a.m. after attending a birthday party for receiver Rod Gardner.
Rumor has it that Taylor has no idea why people are getting worked up about any of his off-field transgressions since it is all child's play compared to the hell he raised while at the "U." Luckily, the always quick on their feet Washington Redskins have publicly excused Taylor from attending their off season workouts and minicamp. I'm sure Taylor is very appreciative of this gesture especially since he wasn't attending these things anyway.

7. There was a story in today's globe about a Pop Warner football crisis. Five suburban Pop Warner teams have voted to leave a conference filled with urban teams, including those from Mattapan, Dorchester, and Roxbury, roiling racial tensions in what is supposed to be a fun activity for 7- to-14- year-olds. Led by the Needham-Wellesley Eagles, teams from Natick, Weymouth, Framingham, and Norwood told Pop Warner officials they were leaving the Bay State Conference because they wanted to play more suburban teams. In interviews, team officials cited ''intimidating" rap music played at some city games, city teams' brand of hard-hitting football, and the safety of some city playing fields. Last summer, 11-year-old Jenry Gonzalez was shot in the chest during a Pop Warner practice in a Roxbury park.

Okay, El Presidente feels supremely qualified to weigh in on this issue since I was a super star Pop Warner football player in Swampscott. (And yes, I have the game film to back up this claim.) Anyway, Swampscott is a suburb town and we played Lynn every year and got our asses handed to us. But I don't think anybody on our team ever thought it was because they were predominantly black and we were predominately white. Nope, the real reason we always got killed was because the Lynn teams used broken scales when weighing in their players so they had guys that belonged in the NFL and not in Pop Warner. The moral of this story is that if the white parents are sick of watching their kids get destroyed by the inner city kids they need to have a meeting and get their story straight. Accuse Dorchester of using broken scales or something. Build your case around the fact that Jenry Gonzalez got shot at Roxbury Park. People getting shot at parks where you need to go seems like a legitimate beef to me. But don't say rap music and the fact that they hit harder are the reasons you're leaving the league. This just makes you look like a bunch of wusses. Personally I think it's good for the suburban kids to tangle with the inner city teams. It can toughen them up a bit.

8. Russell Crowe was arrested last week in NYC for throwing a telephone off a hotel employee's face. (If you didn't just sort of chuckle when you read that sentence then you have no soul.) Anyway, according to Crowe's lawyer, the dispute "arose because he was trying to get his wife on the phone in Australia and when he couldn't get a line there was a disagreement." This story amazes me. What kind of person throws a phone at somebody's face? I've never heard of such a thing. I think it's safe to say that Russell Crowe is a jerk. The thing that is still up in the air is just how tough Crowe really is. He plays all these macho roles, but I feel like most actors are real wimps. I'd say 83% of men could probably beat him up. In any event, Crowe is one lucky dude. If the District Attorney had his way he would have imposed a $5,000 bail on Crowe. God knows how long he would have been forced to rot behind bars before being able to come up with that type of scratch.

9. The best advice of the week comes from the Iowa Department of Natural Resources. Apparently bats live in the majority of Iowa homes. "They live in chimneys, attics and crawl spaces, and usually remain in those uninhabited areas, said Mark McInroy, a DNR technician. But if they aren’t in their living quarters -- which is different than being in the house -- the bats shouldn't be tolerated," McInroy said."

And there you have it. If you have bats flying around in your face while you're trying to eat breakfast you should probably do something about it. Where would the good people of Iowa be without this pearl of wisdom? As a side note, what the hell is going in Iowa?

10. People who have been following random thoughts closely know that I'm one of those guys that don't really pay attention to the standings in baseball until after the all star break. But even I am having a hard time ignoring just how bad the Yankees and Red Sox are playing. For the past 3 years I've never had a moment of doubt that both the Red Sox and Yankees would make the playoffs. But I'm beginning to doubt both teams. In light of the fact that the Sox are struggling big time right now I guess it's time to ask the question; do the Red Sox deserve a free pass from the media and fans because they won the World Series last year? I am absolutely in the “no” camp on this one. And this is coming from the same guy who said I wouldn't complain about the Pats even if they didn't have to win another game for 10 years after winning their first Super Bowl. But here is the difference in my mind. There is no salary cap in baseball. The Red Sox should be contending for the World Series every year because they spend more money than everybody else except the Yankees. Therefore, if they don't make the playoffs everybody in the organization deserves to come under fire regardless of what they did last year. Think about it in business terms. If your company spends the most money on sales and marketing you'd expect the best results year in and year out. It simply isn't acceptable to have a bad year when you've invested more money than the rest of your competition. Having said that I still think the Sox will make the playoffs, but I'm sick of hearing that you can't criticize them because they won the World Series last year. I don't buy it.

11. There is a disturbing trend that I've been noticing lately. Apparently putting your hand in the back pocket of your significant other when walking down the street is back in style. I saw about 4 different couples employing this technique yesterday. And I don't want to stereotype the people who engage in this activity but it was an ugly couple every time. I'm just reporting the facts here. Anyway, this has got to stop. Nobody wants to see you walking down the street with a fistful of ass.

12. Am I the only one buying the hype with this all this new teeth whitening toothpaste? I started off with Crest "extra whitening" and have since advanced to Colgate Simply White. I honestly can't tell if it is working but it better be because I'm going to be in the poor house soon because of it. The Colgate Simply White comes in a container that may have been designed by NASA and costs approximately 50 bucks for a tablespoon of it. But El Presidente puts a high price on white teeth and therefore I'm splurging on it. I essentially picked the most elaborate one I could find that didn't gross me out. I'm curious whether anybody else uses it and if it really works or am I just a sucker?

13. As I'm sure everybody knows by now, Richard Seymour has been a no show for the Pats mandatory mini camp. Naturally people are wondering whether this will be the beginning of a prolonged hold out by the all pro lineman. Personally I'm not going to jump to any conclusions. The Patriots are in a beautiful position with Seymour because he is under contract for two more years and the Pats have lots of depth on the defensive line. In fact, I'd argue it is their strongest position. Who knows what Seymour's intentions are at this point, but it is way too early to be worried. After all it's early June. I purposely don't let myself start thinking football until August because I get too excited.

14. In light of the fact that Mike Tyson got knocked out by the king of the tomato cans, Kevin McBride, I guess now is as good a time as any to debate how he ranks in the history of heavyweight champions. The only thing I can say is that he is still the greatest champion I've ever seen. The division has never been the same since Buster Douglas knocked him out. And Tyson was never the same since he split ways with Kevin Rooney. One can only speculate how long his reign would have lasted had he not fired Rooney or if Angelo Dundee hadn't died. Despite how awful Tyson is now, I don't think that it should tarnish what he did back in the late 80's. I'm not sure any heavyweight in the history of the division would have beaten him in his prime. When Tyson was on the top of the game he was almost a perfect fighting machine. Obviously his career was cut short, but he is still one of the greatest of all time in my book.

15. Jessica Simpson's stock is skyrocketing. If this was Beckett's she'd have a huge up arrow next to her name. Have people seen her new video "These Boots are made for Walking."? WOW. This video destroys Britney Spears in her prime and is going to knock Paris Hilton's hamburger commercial right off the map. It is the sexiest thing I've ever seen Simpson do by a mile. Congratulations Jessica, you are now one of the top 5 celebrities I'd like to sleep with. As a side note, you just know that Nick Lachey is grinding his teeth somewhere. I can't wait to see how Nick handles himself at the Dukes of Hazzard world premiere. He must be close to reaching the boiling point with all the success that Jessica is having while he continues to free fall into obscurity. It's only a matter of time until he hits another strip club looking for attention.
16. I'm begging Tom Cruise to shut up. I'm sick of seeing him act like a wacko in every interview he does. I'm tired of hearing about Scientology and how medicine doesn't really work. He is certifiably insane and it's starting to get me angry because I'm dying to see War of the Worlds. I'm one of those guys that can't get enough Alien movies. And the fact that Steven Spielberg is the director of War of the Worlds really has me fired up to see this flick. But Tom Cruise is being so over the top lately that he is threatening to ruin this movie for me before I ever get to see it. Thank god they cut down his media tour.

Reader Email

Email #1

In regards to the First Lady's speculation about Youk being gay, it is way off. I banged a girl who banged Youkalis. Very attractive girl, she also said she made out with Mirabelli earlier in the night. She met them at the gypsy bar and she says that she doesn't find Youk attractive, but because she's a red sox fan she "took one for the team". She sealed the deal by pretending she didn't know him. Her roommate confirmed the story, but I'm not too sure why she is so open to admit it. So I guess you can throw back to me 'Hey how'd Youk's dick taste'

- Parrott

Hmm, very interesting. I will not speculate about Youkilis being gay anymore.

Email #2

Prez, Not to dispute the First Lady's claim about Kevin Youkilis' sexual orientation, but I was down at spring training two years ago, and after the game, I saw Youkilis meet this smoking hot chick in the parking lot who was maybe one of the top 3 hottest girls I had ever seen in person, and they gave each other quite the kiss. I could see where the First Lady is coming from, but that's something interesting to keep in mind. Keep up the good work making the Swamp proud,

Mazz

It's official. Youkilis is not gay and apparently pulls some serious ass.

Email #3

I am a huge fan of random thoughts, every day I print them out and bring them to the little sailor's room to enjoy. I usually leave very satisfied and always check out the link of the day. However, today was a different day. I was reading your thoughts on Russell Crowe, and I got very angry, I didn't even finish the thoughts as I had to write an email on this. I'm sure you have seen Gladiator, so I am not going to insult your intelligence, but how could you not say Maximus was one of best badasses of all time, he might not be Rambo/John McClane/Bond/Eastwood, but it was still an incredible, amazing role. I also read a month ago about how Crowe is a vodka boozehound, which makes him an "A" in my book any day. I want you to put some members of your staff in front of Russell Crowe, and I highly doubt 83% of them will kick his ass. Give this man some props.

Hoppe

Oh, I agree that Maximus was a great character. And Maximus would kill me and every staff member of the stool in less than 10 seconds if we attacked him all at once. But does playing tough guys in the movies make you tough? According to my research Crowe is 5"11' max. And he's an actor. Generally that means he didn't play sports growing up. It's one thing to act tough and another thing to be tough. Tom Cruise acts tough in a lot of his movies, but if I fought him, I'd just step on him and the fight would be over. Now I'm not saying Cruise is tougher than Crowe, but you can't tell how tough a guy is based on the movies. I just think guys who like sports can generally beat up guys who like acting.