Random Thoughts
1. Telegraph.co.uk - Edward Smith, who lives with his current "girlfriend" – a white Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla, insisted that he was not "sick" and had no desire to change his ways. "I appreciate beauty and I go a little bit beyond appreciating the beauty of a car only to the point of what I feel is an expression of love," he said. "Maybe I'm a little bit off the wall but when I see movies like Herbie and Knight Rider, where cars become loveable, huggable characters it's just wonderful. "I'm a romantic. I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what's in my heart and I have no desire to change." Mr Smith, from Washington state in the US, kept quiet about his secret fetish for years, but agreed to be interviewed as part of a channel Five documentary into “mechaphilia”. "There have been certain cars that attracted me and I would wait until night time, creep up to them and just hug and kiss them.
First of all is mechaphilia a made up word? I think it is, but that’s neither here nor there. Listen I got nothing against people who love to fuck cars. To each their own right? But my advice would be to keep it to yourself. Because it’s my experience that talking about how your creep up on your neighbors VW Bug at nighttime and fuck the shit out of it is a total conversation killer. I mean nobody wants to hear that. And again I’m forced to ask the same question I ask every time we post a story about a car fucker. Where to they put their dick? In the exhaust pipe? Has to be right?
2. BILLERICA -- Christina Morrison says the teacher closed in on her as soon as the eighth-grader stepped into her Marshall Middle School classroom on Tuesday. The object of the teacher's wrath: the phrase "SOPHMORE 69" emblazoned on the 14-year-old's T-shirt. "She was like: 'That shirt is inappropriate,' " Morrison recalled. "I told her that my mom had said it was fine, but she brought me to the office anyway." There, Assistant Principal Pamela Bonaiuto informed Christina and her stepfather that she would be suspended for the day because the T-shirt was deemed to be "sexually explicit." "I felt like crying," Christina said. "It was the first time that I was going to get suspended -- and over a shirt -- when I wasn't even trying to do anything wrong. It was just a new T-shirt from (the store) Urban Behavior that I really liked. It's only supposed to mean sophomore year 1969." The incident has infuriated Christina's mother, Kimberly Cifelli, who thinks school administrators overreacted. She thinks the teacher may also have confused Christina with her twin sister, Crystal, who had been verbally reprimanded when she wore the same T-shirt to school a week and a half ago. Cifelli said she was aware of that incident, but still felt comfortable giving Christina the go-ahead to wear the shirt. "I told her to have a teacher or administrator call me if there was a problem," she said. "It's simply my opinion that the shirt is not sexually explicit. If the shirt said 'SOPHMORE LOVES 69' or had guns on it, I would have no problem with their action. I would totally support it."
My head hurts with this one. I can’t decide whose side I’m on here. Ordinarily I’d take the kid’s side, but I don’t like how the mother and daughter are acting like the school is crazy and making shit up. I mean are they really trying to argue that the shirt just means Sophomore Year 1969 and is not sexually explicit? Come on honey. Tell me you don't like my firm, tell me you don't like my idea, tell me you don't like my fuckin neck tie, but don't tell me you that shirt doesn’t mean you’re a slut bag. Now if these two bitches just admitted this fact and argued that she can wear whatever the fuck she wants to wear to school then I’d be on her side. But as it stands I’m going with the school here. Because the mother flat our says if the shirt was sexually explicit than she’d understand the suspension. Well it clearly is so shut up and take your medicine.
PS – Awesome parenting skills on this mother. If my 14 year old daughter even counts to 69 I would burn her vagina off so she could never have sex the rest of her life.
3. NYtimes.com - David Ortiz is a mammoth, powerful and gregarious left-handed hitter, the kind of slugger who would not need acting lessons to imitate Babe Ruth. Ortiz, the modern-day Ruth from the Boston Red Sox, will get that interesting chance at Yankee Stadium during the All-Star Game festivities — unless the Yankees succeed in an attempt to prevent it. Ortiz will have the opportunity to be like Babe because of a Call Your Shot promotion that is part of the home run derby. The fan who wins the online contest will choose a spot where he believes Ortiz can smash a homer. Then Ortiz has one swing, one dramatic swing, to do it. But the Yankees do not seem as if they want Ortiz to take that swing. The Yankees were upset about the plans involving Ortiz and said they were unaware of the promotion until a reporter contacted them Thursday night. The Yankees were discussing the matter internally and planning to contact Major League Baseball for an explanation. Apparently, the Yankees would like to bury this Ortiz event themselves. Pat Courtney, a spokesman for Major League Baseball, said M.L.B. was “sensitive to the Yankees’ concerns” and would soon discuss the matter with them. State Farm considered other players, but Ortiz’s aura, personality and instant interest in the venture clinched the decision. Based on how the Yankees apparently feel about Ortiz, there has not been any thawing between them and Red Sox. Since Ortiz joined the Red Sox in 2003, he has manhandled the Yankees and powered Boston to two World Series championships.
Unreal. The shocking descent of the Yankees continues. This is flat out pathetic. Honestly how low can the Yankees sink? I never thought it was possible, but I honestly feel bad for them now. This must be like how Bo Schembechler felt when he became friends with Woody Hayes when Woody Hayes was dying. We’ve been through so much together that it just kind of hurts to see them reduced to this pathetic gravelling state. And I know it sounds crazy, but do you think we should just give them Justin Masterson or something? I mean we have such an embarrassment of pitching riches that maybe a gift like this would raise their spirits and make them somewhat competitive again? This way they wouldn’t have to degrade themselves anymore by whining about things like shirts buried in the concrete and HR Derby promotions. Come on New York, you're better than this! Somewhere in a dark alley, Pete Manzo weeps.
4. HARRISBURG, Pa. (AP) -- An airline pilot was found hiding behind a shed wearing only flip-flops and a wristwatch as a nighttime romp in the woods with a flight attendant ended with both under arrest, police said. Jeffrey Paul Bradford, 24, and Adrianna Grace Connor, 24, both employees of Pinnacle Airlines Inc., were at a diner on the outskirts of Harrisburg on Sunday night before they apparently decided to walk into the woods, police said. "They told the officer they wanted to go do it in the woods, essentially," said Lower Swatara Township police Sgt. Richard Brandt. "That's the best answer they had." The two somehow became separated, and people who live in the neighborhood summoned police around 9:30 p.m., saying they had seen a naked man and an intoxicated woman. A helicopter with heat-seeking equipment was called in, and Bradford was discovered hiding behind a shed shortly before midnight.
When I first read this story I didn’t even understand why this was a big deal. I mean when does a day go by when a pilot isn’t nailing a stewardess in the woods? But what separates this story from all the others is the fact that this town brought in a heat seeking helicopter to find this couple. What is this 24? Did these guys have the nuclear football or something? There has to be a better use of a heat seeking helicopter than this right? I mean how about finding Osama with it? It just seems like a waste of Government funds to be flying a helicopter around looking for a pilot who is diddling a stewardess in the woods. I mean if we sent up a helicopter every time a chick was getting nailed, the sky would become so busy it would be impossible to walk up there.
5. CONCORD, NH (AP) -- A New Hampshire high school student lured into an alleged drug deal by a principal from another school posing as a friend has been indicted on drug charges. Police say 17-year-old Concord High School senior John Huckins thought he was text-messaging a friend instead of Bishop Brady Principal Jean Barker in March, who had confiscated a cell phone from one of her students. Police said she received a text message stating "Yo, you need a bag?" She arranged to meet outside the back door of her school and called police. Police say when Huckins showed up he was arrested with a quarter ounce of marijuana.
Listen I’m no law expert, but doesn’t this violate the Miranda Rights or some shit like that? I mean you can’t just confiscate a cell phone and start acting like you own it can you? By law this principle should have been required to shut the phone off the second she took it. Or at the very least she should have sent a mass text letting everybody know that she had commandeered the phone. Instead she’s reading all this chick’s messages and probably trying to steal her boyfriend too. It just doesn’t seem fair and more importantly it’s illegal. Don’t ask me why or how, but it just is. I can feel it in my bones. This poor drug dealer never had a chance.
6. MAY 21--Meet Alex Phillips. The Wisconsin teenager is facing felony child pornography charges for allegedly posting naked photos of his 16-year-old ex-girlfriend on his MySpace page. When contacted by police about the two images, Phillips, 17, balked at removing the pictures of the girl. Warned that he could face jail for publishing images of the minor, Phillips told an investigator, "Fuck that, I am keeping them up," according to a criminal complaint filed yesterday in Lacrosse County Circuit Court. Phillips, pictured in the below mug shot, told cops that he posted the photos last week "because he was venting." The cell phone camera photos had been taken by the girl, who provided them to Phillips. Along with posting the photos, Phillips added explicit captions like, "Yo, U see how big her hole is! Its from me!" While claiming that his goal was not to harm the girl, Phillips acknowledged that, "he probably should not have done this," according to the May 20 court filing. Along with the child porn count, Phillips was charged with defamation and sexual exploitation of a child.
Man, it’s tough watch whenever a fellow smut peddler loses his wings. But just like Icarus if you fly too close to the sun you’re going to get burned. Everybody knows that you can’t post pictures of underage chicks on the Internet, Sure this may seem like a silly little technicality, but you’d be amazed how many of the great ones have been tripped up by this “law”. Bottom line is that it’s the one rule there is on the Internet. As long as you make sure they are 18 than everything is fair game. You want to vent about how you ruined her vagina than go for it. Is that my style? No. But to each their own. Just make sure they are 18 and than you can tell the cops to fuck off as much as you want. Regardless whenever this kid gets out of jail he’ll have a seat waiting for him at the Stool. This type of gumption doesn’t grow on trees you know.
7. Foxnews.com - A 32-year-old woman sent a picture of Pamela Anderson's breasts to a 15-year-old workmate shortly before beginning a sexual relationship with him, the Supreme Court in Launceston has heard.Courtney Issabella Bailey, now 34, told police that the boy had texted her asking her for a picture of her breasts – but she sent a picture of the Baywatch star's breasts instead. Bailey had remarked to his parents that he was a "big strong boy" for a 15-year-old. Sex had occurred in two separate incidents. The two had gone to her home after work and watched a DVD before having intercourse and then oral sex for 20 minutes before again having intercourse.
Generally speaking, I feel like chicks who seduce and bang young boys get a bad rap in today’s society. Like a 15 year old kid can’t make up his own mind on whether to fuck a Cougar or not? Please. Give me a fucking break. I mean we’re talking about “a big strong boy” here. Surely he is old enough to decide where to stick his dick right? Well not this time! Listen I have no problem with Cougars seducing young boys. But let’s do it fair and square. No sending pictures of Pam Anderson’s tits (probably in her prime) and passing them off as yours. I mean who wouldn’t fuck you then? Bottom line is that if you want to seduce a minor do it the right way. Send a picture of your own tits and pussy. None of this deception bullshit. We need to make an example out of this chick. It’s bad enough that we let bitches pad their bras, but this is just too much to handle. Kid must have been furious when he saw her tits for the first time.
PS - What kind of job has 32 year olds and 15 year olds working side by side? Summer Camp?
8. Fox 25 - A 7-year-old boy was forced to sit on the sidelines because his mother chose to work at her job instead of working the concession stand. Jodi Hooper, of Freetown, Mass., was not able to get her work shift covered and so did not cover the concession stand at the field. Her son paid the price and was suspended for two games. The agreement that parents sign when their children sign up for the league clearly states the rules and Hooper acknowledges that she understands the rules. But she feels suspending her son is a little harsh. Some parents agree, but also feel that all parents need to pitch in.
I’ve never even heard of a rule like this. You get suspended 2 games because your mom skips out on working the concession stand? What is this the Soviet Union or something? Why don’t you just stone the kid to death? That will teach him a lesson. Seriously isn’t this a little extreme? How about just not letting the kid play in the one game his mom skipped? That seems fair right? An eye for an eye. Regardless is there any doubt that this kid sucks? Because there is no way you’re enforcing this rule if it’s your shortstop or pitcher. I mean a 2 game suspension is enough to potentially cost a team the pennant in Little League. Clearly this kid must be a 2 inning/right field type of guy.
PS – If this mom really feels bad for her son, the easy answer is that she should just sleep with the commissioner. It is my experience that putting out generally solves everything.
9. Boston.com - Here is what Bill Belichick has done: He has placed Patriots fans on the defensive for the rest of their lives. Bill Belichick has been exposed as being monumentally disingenuous at best and utterly duplicitous at worst. There can no longer be any doubt that he engaged in a practice he knew was against the rules. The three Super Bowl championships are, and forever will be, under suspicion. The thought will never go away. Let Mike Martz, coach of the vanquished Rams in the 2002 Super Bowl, absolve the Patriots all he wants. A year from now, five years from now, 50 years from now, who will know or remember what Mike Martz said? How could anyone not feel sorry for Bob Kraft? He hired a man he believed to be a superior coach, and his judgment appeared to be vindicated with three Super Bowls in four years. And now? And now he has to live with the reality that he presides over the most despised and reviled franchise in all of contemporary American sport, and all because the coach he trusted has betrayed him. Tainted, all of it. There is no way out. As long as Bill Belichick is the coach of the New England Patriots, America will despise this team. But a resignation or a dismissal would only lend legitimacy to the entire concept of wrongdoing. This is not what Bob Kraft had in mind.
Okay just to sum up here, Bob Ryan is basically saying that even though he doesn’t think spygate helped the Patriots win games, it doesn’t really matter anymore because people think it did and therefore the Patriots Dynasty is basically rendered useless and as a result Bob Kraft hates Bill Belichick. Now I’m not sure if the goal of this article was just to take back attention from John Tomase, but this is ludicrous. Yes, people hate the Patriots. Yes, people hate Bill Belichick. But guess what? It has nothing to do with Spygate. Fans of other teams despised us before this season began. The media despised Bill Belichick before he even stepped foot in New England because of the way he treated them in Cleveland. (See Ron Borges) But Bill Belichick has never claimed to be a boy scout. Bob Kraft knew exactly what he was getting when he hired him, yet he hired him anyway. Why? Because he knew he was the best coach on the planet and could turn the Patriots into the best franchise in the NFL. And that is exactly what he has done. There isn’t another team in the NFL that wouldn’t jump at the chance to hire Bill Belichick tomorrow if he was available. And fans in those cities would treat that day like a National Holiday. Because the only thing that matters in this league is winning and it’s something the Patriots have done better virtually than every other team in the history of football since his arrival. But now Bob Ryan wants us to believe Bob Kraft regrets hiring Belichick? Yeah Kraft regrets it so much that on the day after the NFL punished Bill Belichick for spygate, Bob Kraft gave him a new contract. Funny way of saying I hate you huh? The bottom line is this; you can’t get Patriots tickets if your life depended on it nowadays. The Pats have the most nationally televised games in the country. Their merchandise sales are through the roof. They are as relevant in New England’s as the Red Sox are. And all of this is because of Bill Belichick. So I think Bob Kraft can live with other teams and the media hating us. Listen, winning automatically brings hatred. But that’s not our concern. Let everybody ignore the facts of how stupid spygate is. Let everybody else continue to rip us and write stories about how much we suck or cheated. Because all fans and owners care about is winning on Sunday. And we’ve done that better than anybody else in the history of the league. And it’s all because of Bill Belichick.
10. NEW YORK -- These are trying times for Jason Giambi -- apparently not even lucky underwear can help his undersized batting average. The New York Yankees' first baseman caused a bit of a stir Saturday when the Daily News reported -- on the front page, no less -- that he often wears a gold thong under his uniform pants when trying to snap out of a slump. Giambi, who began the day batting .181, has kept the shiny thong in his locker since he played for the Oakland Athletics. Several teammates acknowledged they've tried wearing it, too, including Yankees captain Derek Jeter and outfielder Johnny Damon.
This would be a non story for me if it weren’t for the fact that Derek Jeter and Johnny Damon wore the thong too. That’s so gross. I’d rather go 0-5 any day of the week than have Giambi’s greasy ball sweat touching my dick. But I guess that’s what happens when you haven’t won a World Series this century. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
11. Bostonherald.com - Gray Goose-sipping club-goers will have to hand their bottles over to bartenders in Boston starting Monday when the city begins enforcing a controversial crackdown on VIP table service. “The board is willing to work with the industry, but we want to stop the practice of clubs just throwing (bottles) out there and not giving a damn,” Daniel Pokaski said. “If you’re giving people a bottle of booze at a table to swig, who’s paying attention to who’s being over-served? Those are the issues we’re looking at.” Many clubs have been offering private tables to club-goers who purchase bottles of high-end booze for up to $400. The service is a staple in nightspots in most major cities. But state and city officials say it violates laws that ban serving more than two drinks at once and prohibit requiring patrons to purchase alcohol in order to gain entry. “I don’t want to hurt the industry but they have to comply with the law,” he said.
And this my friends is why Boston sucks. Seriously are we a major city or not? Listen, I’m not a bottle service guy, but this is just embarrassing. If people want to buy a table and get bottle service then more power to them. The only possible explanation on why Daniel Pokaski is suddenly making a big stink about this is because he wants to get his wheels greased by the local bars. Because spare me the song and dance about how you need to make sure people don’t get over served. Yeah, like it’s somehow easier to get bombed at a table compared to anywhere else in the bar. Give me a fucking break. Only in Boston baby. Keep riding that bike Menino.
12. LEXINGTON, Ky. - The great American sire Storm Cat has been pensioned from stud duty, Overbrook Farm announced Tuesday. The 25-year-old Storm Bird horse had shown declining fertility this year and has three mares in foal, according to Ric Waldman, who managed the stallion for Overbrook. Storm Cat covered more than 30 mares in 2008 at a fee of $300,000, down from his $500,000 fee in 2007."We have been monitoring his semen quality throughout the breeding season, and there's been a decline in the quality of his semen," Waldman said. Storm Cat will remain at Overbrook in Lexington for the remainder of his days.
Well let’s everybody tip a barrel of hay and fuck somebody tonight in honor of the great Storm Cat retiring from banging. I’m getting emotional just writing this, but if you saw the feature that HBO’s “Real Sports” did a few years ago, you know what Storm Cat has done in the world of banging horses makes Wilt Chamberlain look like your 8th grade Science teacher. We’re talking a 22 year stud career where he banged 434 broads that produced 1687 foals -- some selling in upwards of 5 million dollars . He even had a freakin 24-hour armed guard like the one at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier to protect his genitals. I mean could Wilt say that? Maybe. So here’s to you, Storm Cat. We'll see your cock & balls in Cooperstown.
13. WESTPORT, Mass. -- A group of students went to Europe for a class trip and came home to a suspension for drinking alcohol. Sixteen of the 32 Westport High School students who traveled to Paris and Barcelona on their Spring Break were suspended for nine days for drinking on their trip. The drinking age in only 16 in Spain, which made them legal at the time. The students said this trip was not school sponsored. The Westport School Committee argues that they approved the trip, therefore the students had to follow the school policy. Some of the students plan to go face-to-face before the superintendent and school committee on Tuesday night to talk about the issue.
I totally don’t get this story. First of all since when do High School kids go on Spring Break? I’ve never even heard of that before? Does this mean that 16 is the new 18? Because this would totally open the door for us to talk about a whole new crop of sluts. It would be like when American Idol changed their age restrictions. But I digress. If these kids could drink legally in Paris how the fuck can you suspend them here? It’s crazy. I don’t even think they should be suspended if they drank illegally. I mean what these kids do on vacation a million miles away is up to them. It’s not like the school paid for the trip right? It just makes no sense on any level. Mind your own business dude.