Random Thoughts
1. Chron.com - Two men and a juvenile are accused of digging up a corpse, decapitating the body and using the head to smoke marijuana, according to court documents. According to documents filed in the case, Gonzalez, Jones and an unnamed juvenile on March 15 went to an Humble cemetery, dug up a man's grave, left with the head and turned it into a "bong."
Is this the weirdest story in the history of the Stool? Not only do you have to be all sorts of fucked up to use a human head as a bong, but I don’t even understand how it works? Do you like smoke it out of his ear? I mean I guess that could be kind of be cool if it really worked and you were the only dude on the block with a human head bong, but it’s still kind of creepy.
2. Cleveland-- We are all witnesses. But not everything about the LeBron is worth witnessing. Sure, he has the $400,000 car, Jay-Z in his corner, and Phil Knight wrapped around his diamond pinkie ring. But witness how His Greatness treats the little people, and you may begin to see the virtue of Brendan Haywood's hard fouls... One of LeBron's favorite places to dine is XO Prime Steaks on West Sixth... According to a Punch source, a peer recently quit after tiring of LeBron going Scrooge McDuck on his ass... On this special occasion, the King decides to dine late. He keeps his group there until around 3:45 a.m. During this time the waiter obsequiously pours drinks and fetches anything else His Greatness needs. The final bill comes to $800. By the feudal laws of decorum, which stipulate that the affluent should administer a 20 percent gratuity, staffers figured they'd be pocketing an extra $160. But when they fetched the autographed bill after His Heinousness bolted back to Akron, their expectation turned to disbelief, then anger. LeBron stiffed them with a meager $10 tip. This is what French nobles like to call your requisite Bourgeois Bitch-Slap. The waiter wouldn't even take it, tired of being shat on by guys like LeBron. Still, at least the self-proclaimed King of Ohio didn't pull a Bernie Kosar — who gets sloshed at the bar and then has to remind the waiters of who he is before he stiffs them.
The Celtics-Cavs series finally has what every playoff series needs to be considered great: a villain. The Atlanta series had Mike Bibby calling Celts' fans "fair weather," Joe Johnson's 30 foot mortar shells and Marvin Williams acting like Roy Williams with his horse collar on Rajon Rondo. But none of those will rile up a fan base more than a bazillionaire who's a lousy tipper. LeBron could sell crack to school kids to finance a dog fighting ring for Al Qaeda and we wouldn't hate him more than would knowing he's got deep pockets and short arms when it comes to tipping working stiffs.
3. SignonSanDiego - What's the price of being a Boston Red Sox fan? For David Sanborn of Oceanside, at least, it's about $25,000. Sanborn was involved in a bar fight at the Grand Avenue Bar & Grill in Carlsbad SD on July 3, 2006, with New York Yankees fan Mario Melendez. Melendez sued for damages in Vista Superior Court – for injuring his hand when he punched Sanborn. On Tuesday, a Vista jury awarded Melendez $15,297 for medical costs, lost wages, and pain and suffering. Yesterday, the jury ordered Sanborn, who hails from Massachusetts, to pay an additional $10,000 in punitive damages. Melendez testified last week that he injured his right hand on Sanborn's teeth during the fight, saying he was acting in self-defense. “He grabbed me . . . and picked me up,” he told jurors. “I really thought he was going to body-slam me.” At the time, the 6-foot-1 Sanborn was 210 pounds and 38 years old. The 5-foot-7 Melendez was 260 pounds and 49. Melendez said Sanborn was drunk and belligerent at the bar, where both men went to root for their hometown teams on television. Although the Red Sox and Yankees weren't playing each other that day, that didn't keep the two from exchanging words shortly after Yankees slugger Jason Giambi hit an early home run against the Cleveland Indians. Sanborn arrived at the bar about 11 a.m. Melendez showed up about 4 p.m. with his 82-year-old father and a friend, according to court records. Melendez said Sanborn, Sanborn's wife – a waitress at the restaurant – and two other men taunted him, yelling a profane version of “Let's go Yankees,” a popular chant in the Bronx. Melendez, who is originally from Brooklyn, New York, said he was also singled out for wearing a sleeveless jersey of Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter.
If this guy doesn’t fit the description of a stereotypical NY fan than nobody does. It’s almost like God decided to sit down one day and mold the perfect Yankees fan out of clay and boom Mario Melendez was born. I mean 5”7, 260 lbs and wearing a sleeveless Derek Jeter shirt? Does it get any better than that? I don’t blame the Red Sox fan for picking a fight with him at all. He probably didn’t want to do it. Felt like he owed it to him. Regardless you got to be a real pussy to sue somebody because your hand wasn’t tough enough to punch them in the face. Seriously, toughen up.
4. Radaronline.com - Reality-show MachiavelliSpencer Pratthas a unique ability to get to the crux of any issue. Radarhas enlisted the king of The Hills to field queries from regular folks with regular problems, just like you! Check out Spencer's first print column in our May/June issue, and visit RadarOnline every Tuesday for additional wise counsel. Got a burning question? Send it to: spencer@radaronline.com
YO SPENCER! How long do you have to date someone before it's appropriate to bring up the possibility of anal sex?
If you're dating a guy, right away. If you're dating girl, I think you'll know pretty quick if she's into that. If they're not bringing it up, it's not something on their agenda. That's just realistic. My boxing coach Dirty Phi says, "If you stick your pinkie in there, and then another finger, and then another, and she responds happily, then it's cool."
Far be it for me to question Spencer Pratt, but I kind of disagree with him here. I don’t think just because a chick doesn’t bring up anal sex that means that it’s not on their radar screen. I mean you need to be a real slut to just come out and say you like it in the butt right? Sure Lindsay Lohan may pull shit like that, but she’s the exception to the rule. For most girls I think you definitely have to pinky probe to figure out what is going on in their head. So even though I admittedly know nothing about chicks, I think it’s up to the dude to figure out where a girl stands on anal. A couple finger drive bys and shit like that. Also if you can slip in the pinkie and two more fingers it’s probably time to call it a day and move on to the next girl don’t you think?
5. Foxnews.com - Sheyla Hershey has earned a spot in Brazil’s version of the “Guinness Book of World Records" and she is very proud of the reason why — for having the largest breast implants. After eight surgeries, Hershey’s breasts measure FFF, MyFOXHouston.com reported. That’s equivalent to two quarts of silicone in each breast. “I want to look better each day, every day,” the 28-year-old model told the TV station. “Everybody’s got a dream inside, you know? And, it’s good when you can make your dream come true.”Hershey, a wife and mother, said she would like her breasts to be even bigger, but the state of Texas limits the amount of silicone that can be put into each breast.
Martin Luther King would be proud. Everybody has got to have a dream right? It’s just too bad the Government had to get involved and play the role of the grinch. If Sheyla Hershey isn’t satisfied with her Triple F boobs than who are we to tell her she can’t make them bigger? And I know what you’re thinking. She should just move to a different state or country where there are no silicone restrictions. But if it’s not legal in Texas then it’s not legal anywhere.
6. ATLANTA -- Georgia retailers soon will be banned from selling candy flavored to taste like marijuana to children. Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue signed a measure into law Wednesday that bans the sale of "marijuana flavored products" to minors -- anyone under 18 -- and calls for a fine of up to $500 for each offense. It targets businesses that sell the candies with drug-inspired names such as "Kronic Kandy" and "Pot Suckers." The law says the candies promote drug use. Senator Doug Stoner pushed the bill in the senate. "I don't think that folks are aware this is going on," Stoner told Channel 2 in April. "It's mainly, from what I can tell, particularly targeted to minority communities."
Sonny Perdue? Doug Stoner? Am I on candid camera? Seriously, am I? How can a guy who pushes to ban the sale of marijuana flavored candy be named Doug Stoner? God is totally pissing himself about this one. Anyway I’m not even sure this story is right. Does the candy taste like dope which quite frankly I don’t even think is possible. Or does it just have drug names like Kronic Kandy and Pot Suckers? I’m thinking it has to be the latter right? And if so how is this anything new? Candy Cigarettes were like the first candy of all time closely followed by Alexander the Grapes. It’s just all part of the pomp and pageantry of the candy business.
7. Well the Mass. Lottery has officially hit rock bottom with this one. “Keno to Go” is their latest creation, which in my view is the lowest form of legalized gambling in the history of this country. Not kidding. Instead of picking numbers and rooting for them to hit the board ala regular Keno, you just pick numbers and go home! What the fuck is that? No instant gratification, no screaming at the TV, no nothing. It literally can’t get any worse than this. It just can’t. I mean you’d have to be what experts call a “pure degenerate” to partake in this form of gambling. First of all the people who play “Keno to Go” in all likelihood don’t even have access to the Internet, they’re simply going to pick the numbers, loiter for 5 minutes, then try to cash the ticket. If they win, great! If they lose, they just continue on with their lives. Barstool Undercover snapped this picture at the Park Street T-Stop and actually considered betting because it was taking so long for his fucking train. Instead he just bought a $5 scratch ticket (lose), waited not-so-patiently for his train and went home.
8. NEW YORK (AP) - Alex Rodriguez passed out during the birth of his first daughter. "The one nurse had a cold cloth on his head. The other nurse had the blood pressure on his arm. And my mother was like rubbing his back. And he is passed out on a couch. And I am there, in the middle of labor," Cynthia Rodriguez, wife of the New York Yankees star, said on an episode of the YES Network's "YESterdays" that is scheduled to be broadcast Wednesday night. "And really, I am not being paid much attention to besides the doctor and a couple of nurses," she said. "And he is there moaning. In between pushing, I am going, `Honey, are you OK?' and `Are you breathing? Are you OK?' " Natasha Alexander Rodriguez was born on Nov. 18, 2004. "As tough and big as he seems, he is real wimpy around doctors or any type of medical situation," Cynthia Rodriguez said, according to excerpts released Tuesday by YES. "I don't know why I thought the birth of our child would be different. In the middle of the night, I realized that I needed to go to the hospital. I wake him up. The first thing that comes out of his mouth, `Can we call your mother?' ... A few hours later, I said, `I think you can call my mom now.' Uh, and the color came back to his face when I told him he could call my mom."
Fucking Arod. Always passing out in the clutch. This story shouldn’t be remotely surprising to anybody who has watched this guy play for the past decade. Whenever the game is on the line he turns into a huge pussy. Clearly it’s the same with his personal life. And just like with the Yankees it’s not enough for him just to suck. He has to be the center of attention at all times. I mean here is his wife trying to give birth and all the doctors care about is Alex. God forbid anybody else gets the spotlight for one second. I’m sure he took credit for the birth when it was over to.
9. What is going on with Big Buck Hunter? Listen, I hate doing this but somebody has to put a stop to the type of behavior I’m seeing lately. You can’t hold your fucking gun less than an inch from the screen like this guy was doing at an undisclosed Boston bar the other night and call yourself a true “Big Buck Hunter”. Everybody knows, or at least I thought everybody knows, you're supposed to extend the chain of the gun as far as you can before shooting. Even the deer is like "Come on, dude".
Now this isn't a 2nd Amendment issue like some might suggest, I just think you have to blame the parents here because he probably did the same thing as a kid playing Duck Hunt and they never said a word. Frankly I was hoping the bouncers might do something but they weren't even paying attention.
So what am I proposing? Well either A., the makers of Big Buck Hunter need to program in a minimum distance between the barrel of the gun and the screen so Jesse James here can’t cheat, or B., all bars that carry Big Buck Hunter need to draw a line exactly 2-3 feet from the machine, like in darts, where all players are required to stand. Honestly I’m more of a Bubble Hockey guy anyway, I don’t even play Big Buck Hunter unless I’m really, really hammered and even then I just hold the gun like Scarface and machine-gun my way through the wilderness. Like Bud Selig, I’m just trying to protect the “integrity of the game” so that the high scores of players like FUK, DIK, ASS and TIT will never be tarnished again.
10. Dallasnews.com - A man has been accused of attempting to pass a $360 billion check, which he claims was given to him by his girlfriend’s mother to start a record business, Fort Worth police said. Charles Ray Fuller, 21, of Crowley, was arrested on April 22 on an accusation of forgery, police said. The personal check was not made out to Mr. Fuller and when the bank contacted the check owner, the woman said she did not write a check for $360 billion. Mr. Fuller was also accused of unlawful carrying of a weapon and possession of marijuana, Lt. Henderson said. He may also face a theft charge in Crowley.
Here is a silly question. If you’re going to try and cash a $360 billion dollar check why wouldn’t you at least make it out to yourself? Kind of seems like a no brainer right? I mean nothing raises the red flag on a fake 360 million dollar check like not having your name on it. Guy probably would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for this oversight. I guess this just goes to prove there is no such thing as the perfect crime.
11. Evening Sun - Charlie Weis has a plan for the University of Notre Dame football team and, according to Weis, it is only two-thirds complete. Weis wants to assemble individuals who are good people first, studious people second and good football players third. The first two Weis has accomplished. The last is the one he and the Fighting Irish faithful are waiting for. "I could get hoodlums and thugs and win tomorrow," Weis said. "I won't do it that way."
I hate to break it to Charlie Weis. But it’s not that easy. You can’t just snap your fingers and win with hoodlums and thugs. Just look at BC. I mean despite half their team getting arrested for rape and assault charges they have still never appeared in a BCS game. My advice to Charlie Weis would be to stop making excuses and just start doing whatever has to be done to win games. Buy players cars, recruit thugs, cheat, steal etc. Just win baby. Because you can only makes excuses for so long. Even Jerry Thornton is running out of patience.
12. LAWRENCE, Mass. -- A dispute of laundry detergent left a teenager bloodied and bruised. According to the police report, Olga Delvalle left a note on her laundry detergent, which she left in a shared laundry room, telling everyone not to use it. Yanirka Rodriguez-Ramos, 17, says that she believed that the note was directed at her. She left a note for Delvalle saying, "If you have something to say, say it to me, this is for Olga." Delvalle allegedly responded by visiting Rodriguez-Ramos and her mother, and beat them.
Is this the first girl to win an “I Don’t Fuck Around Of the Day” Award? I think it is. I mean it’s one thing to beat a bitch up because she is stealing your laundry detergent. But to beat up her mother too? That’s just some cold blooded shit right there. And the thing is this chick didn’t even have a good reason to do it. I mean if you leave your laundry detergent unattended in a common area you’re basically begging for somebody to steal it. This bitch was just looking for an excuse to beat some ass.
13. DailyFreePress.com - Boston police said they turn to their computers to seek out and shut down illegal massage parlors and prostitution houses in Allston-Brighton, where a john is more likely to look for a trick on Craigslist than a corner. Boston Police Department District D-14 officers monitor Craigslist.org, a free classified ads site, for leads on unlicensed massage parlors and "erotic services" to determine whether prostitution rings run in Allston qualify as sex slavery. Sgt. James Fong, a BPD detective, said Allston-Brighton differs from other neighborhoods because most prostitution advertisements take place inside apartments, houses and hotels -- not on the streets. In their first sweep, officers arrested three women, one of whom had been labeled the "Queen of Craigslist." Fong said they have arrested woman as young as 15 and old as 63, with demographics as varied as college students, mothers, even a limo company owner who "did this on the side." Sgt. Kelley O'Connell, a member of the BPD Human Trafficking Task Force, said one or two women stay at a location for no longer than a week before others replace them. Officers want to arrest apartment owners and Craigslist advertisers who orchestrate prostitution rings, so police interrogate the women to get information about who is behind the operation, she said. "They're participating in this life but won't tell us why or how," O'Connell said. "Police can't connect the dots if people won't testify," he said.
The Boston Police Department has a Human Trafficking Task Force? Who knew? Anyway doesn’t the BPD have better things to do than bust up Asian Massage Parlors in Allston-Brighton? I mean if the slave girls aren’t complaining and the residents aren’t complaining who cares? It’s not like they’re fucking in public. We should consider ourselves lucky that they have the common courtesy to rent apartments to conduct their business. Plus if you get rid of the happy endings in Allston, what does the city have left besides rowdy college kids, Rats and the Super 88? Nothing that’s what. If the police really want to help the community they should just try and regulate this industry. After all there is nothing more frustrating in life than showing up at a massage parlor expecting a 25 year old hottie and ending up with a 63 year old tranny. That’s where the true crime is.
14. Mlive.com - Kristoff Wennersten figured his prom proposal had to be one-of-a-kind if it would have any chance of being accepted. But the Huron High School senior never imagined it would result in a suspension for himself and 12 of his varsity lacrosse teammates, whom he recruited to help spell out the message at a school soccer match via their derrieres. The players displayed the question, "Will You Go To The Prom With Me? Yes or No?" on their posteriors while mooning Huron senior Carolyn Campbell at a game. All 13 players were suspended for a undetermined number of games and ordered to complete 20 hours of community service. The students were also suspended for one day of school. Huron's lacrosse matches, scheduled for this past Saturday and Monday, were postponed. "Inappropriate is inappropriate," Huron athletic director Dottie Davis said Monday after meeting with lacrosse varsity players and their parents. "It disrespects women, and that's the clear message we need to have the students understand - what may be fun to them isn't necessarily fun to everyone else." Carolyn's mother, Melinda, said she and her husband were stunned when their daughter informed them of Wennersten's prom invitation. "It's hard to know what to do," Melinda Campbell said. "It just happened. I hate to say, 'No harm, no foul' because some people were harmed.
I did my student teaching at Huron High School when I was at UMichigan and I can say that this shit never would have happened on my watch. How do you suspend these kids for this? If you want to suspend them for something suspend them for playing a pussy sport like Lacrosse. But not for inviting a chick to the prom by mooning her. This is arguably the dumbest suspension I’ve ever heard of in my life. Listen I think I know a thing or two about disrespecting women and this isn’t even close. I’m still trying to figure out who was harmed by this? I mean the girl laughed and said yes. Hasn’t this principle ever watched Laguna Beach? Everybody is always searching for the next best way to invite somebody to prom? Sometimes you got to step it up a level.
15. ARBOR, Mich. --An Ann Arbor couple's 7-year-old son ended up in foster care over Mike's Hard Lemonade. Christopher Ratte, 47, a professor at University of Michigan, claims he accidentally gave his son, Leo, some of the alcoholic beverage at Comerica Park a few weeks ago. He said he didn't even know the alcoholic lemonade existed."I got a beer for myself and asked Leo if he wanted a lemonade because there is a sign that said, 'Mike's Lemonade,'" said Ratte. He said he bought his son the drink at the beginning of the Tigers game and it wasn't until the ninth inning when a security guard noticed the bottle in Leo's hand. The security guard asked Ratte if he knew it contained alcohol. He said he didn't and when he went to grab the bottle out of the child's hand, the security guard grabbed it first."It's just the simple fact that I didn’t know this brand and didn’t suspect some of the lemonade sold in ballparks are alcoholic."A short time later, Ratte was being questioned by Detroit police at Children's Hospital, where the child was taken by ambulance. The child remained in foster care for two days before his mother, Claire Zimmerman, a U-M architecture professor, was able to take their son home as long as the father relocated to a hotel. It was two more weeks before the father could move back home.
So to recap: Kid asks for a lemonade. Dad buys goes to the concession stand and through a misunderstanding, gets handed a Mike's. Dad gives it to the kid. Dad is forced to live in a hotel for two weeks while kid ends up taken away from his two college professor parents in an upscale town to live with complete strangers in one of the worst cities in America. Thank God no one overreacted here. I guess Prof. Ratte should be grateful Comerica security didn't use lethal force on him right there on the spot.
I want to be ironic here, and make fun of this story, but I can't pull it off. Wryness escapes me. Sarcasm eludes me. All I'm left with outrage. Even conceding that you'd think a grown man should be familiar with Mike's, he ordered a lemonade and was handed a yellowish liquid that said "lemonade" on the bottle. It's not like they gave him something labeled "Mike's Heroin Mixed with Pure Gasoline" and he was "Here you go, Sport. Drink up." But even if you don't want to give the guy the benefit of the doubt, or you want to err on the side of the kid's welfare, does anyone really think a guy looking to corrupt his kid would drive to Detroit, buy $40 tickets and ply him with $7 malt beverage in front of 45,000 witnesses? Apparently all the other problems in Michigan are solved; tens of thousands of kids in Detroit aren't living in rat infested squalor. There isn't urban blight everywhere. Deerborne isn't teeming with Islamo-fascist hate groups. Because they've got unlimited resources when it comes to protecting this one kid from his father's consumer ignorance. It seems to me this whole incident could've been prevented with fifteen simple words: "Hey! Professor Dumbledore! Your kid's lemonade has booze in it. What are you, an idiot?" I must be naive.
16. Boston.com -Gisele Bundchen's lover fantasises about her dressing up as a superhero. The supermodel's American football star boyfriend Tom Brady confessed he is keen to see her don Wonder Woman's famous hot pants. He said: "I want her to wear the Wonder Woman outfit." Gisele revealed she would consider wearing the gold-starred pants and red corset, but worries it may expose too much of her body.Gisele isn't the only star to admit she would enjoy wearing a superhero outfit. Kate Beckinsale has previously revealed she would love to don the Wonder Woman costume, while Halle Berry kept her sexy outfit from the 'X-Men' movies and enjoys wearing it in the bedroom with lover Gabriel Audry
First of all who wrote this article? It sounds like some snotty Englishman or something. You don’t need to specify that Tom Brady is an American football star. We get that. Everybody knows who he is. And trust me if Tom Brady orders Gisele to dress up as Wonder Woman she’s fucking dressing up as Wonder Woman. Because if she doesn’t he’ll just find somebody else who is equally hot to nail and who will play dress up. That’s just how it goes when you’ve won 3 Superbowls already. Plus the author didn’t even do their research. Everybody knows that Kate Beckinsale has already dressed up as wonder woman. Get a clue would you! Anyway this brings up an interesting question. If you could dress up a chick as a superhero who would it be? Wonder Woman probably wins in a landslide right? Personally I once tried to make an ex dress up as a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader, but got nowhere with it. I’m still stunned more chicks don’t do that for Halloween.