Random Thoughts
1. Chalk up another milestone for the Stool. Yup for the first time in the long and illustrious history of Barstool Sports we had an angry dad show up at our World Headquarters in Abington on Saturday. Luckily or unluckily however you look at it, I wasn’t around to greet him. But the report I got from the First Lady’s family is that he was none to happy about his daughter being featured as a Local Smokeshow of the Day. He had already contacted the State Police as well has his attorney to find out what could be done to cripple us. When he was told that we did nothing illegal, he decided to take the law into his own hands by coming to beat me up. And people think it’s easy being a smut publisher? It’s not all photo shoots, gumdrops, and candy canes. Anyway, I still have conflicting emotions over these types of altercations. I mean I kind of sympathize with the plight of angry dads who don’t like seeing sexy pictures of their daughters floating around on the Internet. But at the same time I really don’t think we’re to blame. I mean we don’t take the pictures. We don’t upload the pictures to the Internet. Hell we don’t even post the really racy ones that people send us. The fact is that tons of people are already looking at these photos with or without us, but that doesn’t stop angry dads from projecting their anger on us. I guess nobody wants to see their daughter as a mini sex symbol. Regardless the lesson here is that I think I need to stop publicizing where I live so we don’t keep having angry dads show up out of the blue. Either that or I may need to add a bodyguard to the list of employees I need to hire along with a driver. Or maybe I could find a bodyguard who could also be my driver? Does that type of superhuman exist?
As a side note, there is no faster way to get me to take down photos of Smokeshows than to get the First Lady’s family involved. I can only take the scowls and disapproving looks for so long. Trust me when I say there is nothing worse than the old "My daughter dates a smut publisher eyes"
2. NY Post: - FLASH! from Hollywood. (Well, at least it's a little light-bulb pop.) That hot couple - football'sTom Bradyand modelGisele Bundchen. Are they formally and actually engaged? Gisele stopped into LA's Billion Dollar Brows salon for some grooming. (Never underestimate the power of the dynamic brow.) One of the attendants noticed a really big diamond on her left hand. "Tom bought it for me at Tiffany's!" Gisele announced when complimented on its dazzling size. "But I can't wear it much around here. They are always at you." She meant the pack rats of the paparazzi. Is this couple about to be wed? Sometimes a ring is just a ring, but meantime, Gisele is very well blinged.
Obviously this is only speculation, nothing is official, there's been no announcement. I mean, there could be plenty of reasons why a guy would put a giant diamond ring on the left hand of a chick he's been dating for over a year that have nothing to do with a wedding proposal. I can't think of any at the moment, but there has to be lots of them. But at the same time, Tom Brady is an old fashioned, romantic, traditional, family values kind of guy. (Don't let the one bad pass he threw into Bridget's fallopian tubes make you think otherwise.) I just can't picture him asking Giselle to jump the broom without doing it by the book; asking permission from her mom and dad, getting down on one knee, popping the question, boinking her all night like a couple of crazed bonobo monkeys, then calling family and friends in the morning to tell them the good news.
Actually I've come up with one non-engagement explanation. For the last eight years I've been studying Brady like Diane Fosse studied silverbacks and I've discovered that the only reason Brady ever does anything in this world is to help his team win football games. It's his only motivation. If he's putting a giant chunk of ice on Gisele's hand, he's doing it as a ploy. To get the rest of the football world focused on this "are they or aren't they" business instead of Spygate or the Super Bowl fiasco, and distracted from trying to figure out what the Pats will do with the No. 7 pick in the draft. So this whole thing is a diversion. Brilliant. I wouldn't be surprised if the purchase was made with Bob Kraft's credit card.
3. INDIANAPOLIS—A 90-year-old woman accidentally backed into a McDonald's restaurant, disrupting a bingo game and sending a couple to the hospital with minor injuries. Police said the car crashed into a wall and window of the restaurant in the Broad Ripple neighborhood on the north side of the city. The car pushed John Atkinson, 80, and his wife Beverly, 75, both of Indianapolis, who were playing bingo.
Wait a minute, McDonald's has Bingo? First it was the Monopoly game, now Bingo. See, this is why McDonald’s is the greatest company in the history of America. Cheap food and gambling, that’s all it takes. Hopefully Burger King and KFC follows suit and start offering dice games and OTB. Listen I could care less what happens to these people as long as nobody died or had Bingo, but this is the stuff they don’t tell you about in slanderous movies like Fast Food Nation when Wilder Valderamma's buddy gets his arm chopped off in a meat grinder. I mean what the f*ck was that? Nobody wants to see that shit before they down a Quarter Pounder.
4. telegraphy.com - A Venezuelan TV channel has taken cartoon favorite The Simpsons off the air. Baywatch Hawaii has taken its place in the schedule. Televen TV station spokeswoman Elba Guillen said that the decision to change the daily 11am slot came after the National Telecommunications Commission received complaints from viewers. "It had to be taken off," Guillen said. "They consider it to be a series that isn't appropriate for that time because it isn't appropriate for children."
Listen we could sit here all day and argue that it is a violation of civil rights, blah, blah, blah. But sometimes you just got to admit when right is right. And clearly replacing the Simpsons with Baywatch Hawaii is the right move in this case. Remember it’s for the children. God bless Venezuela.
5. NYDailyNews.com - The organization received 5 million votes on its Web site after inviting fans to choose from among 10 selections to potentially replace Sweet Caroline. An issue arose, however, when FARK.com readers bombarded the Mets with gag votes for a write-in candidate: Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up. The Astley tune actually won. Rather than commit to that as the new eighth-inning tune since it probably doesn’t reflect the fan base’s wishes, the Mets will play the top six selections once apiece during the first six games of their home stand. The one that draws the largest crowd response will stick. The other songs that made the cut, in descending order: Livin’ on a Prayer, Bon Jovi; I’m a Believer, The Monkees; Movin’ Out, Billy Joel; Sweet Caroline, Neil Diamond; and Build Me Up Buttercup, The Foundations.
How pathetic are the Mets fans? Listen I don’t love Sweet Caroline, but clearly that is a Red Sox song. I mean what type of idiot do you have to be to vote for this to be played at Shea Stadium? You can’t just steal a song that is already established somewhere else and make it your own. It’s unfathomable, unconscionable and unethical. It would be like the Yankees playing Dirty Water after victories or us playing New York New York. Yet as asinine as it is, it doesn’t surprise me that Mets fans would try to do this. They just strike me as a group of people with no identity, no soul and no self respect. How else could you explain people actually voting for Sweet Caroline or even having it on the ballet? Losers.
6. MIDDLETOWN — A would-be groom feuding with friends and his future father-in-law early Saturday morning, the day of his wedding, leaped from a third-floor motel balcony, suffering serious injuries, according to the police. The apparently intoxicated groom survived the plummet — a rental car cushioned his fall —but he missed his scheduled nuptials; he’s remained hospitalized since the incident. (At some point during the night, a Comfort Inn staffer went to the third floor to try to quiet the loud group. The staffer told the police that the groom was acting aggressive and tried to attack him but was restrained by members of the wedding party, according to the police.) The groom’s friends told the police that they saw the groom grabbing his fiancée’s father. A friend put the groom in a headlock, but the future father-in-law told the group that he would handle the situation, according to a police report. The two continued yelling at each other in earshot of the groom’s friends, who heard the groom tell his fiancée’s dad, “I hate you, I’m out of here.” The groom then jumped from the third-floor balcony, striking the fender of a 2007 Toyota Avalon before falling to the pavement.
See this is the type of guy I can respect. Listen anybody can get into a fight with their future father in law the day before a wedding. It’s easy to put people in headlocks, attack the Comfort Inn staff and get drunk. But it takes a certain style and panache to tell your future father in law that you hate them and you’re out of here and then dive out the 3rd floor balcony window. Because if I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times. Nothing sends a message to a future father in law to stay out of your life like jumping out of motel windows. Sure the groom was left curled up in the fetal position bleeding from the face and mouth, but I think everybody got the message loud and clear. This guy is going to marry the father in law’s daughter whether he likes it or not. Nobody puts Baby in a Corner.
7. Boston.com - Dunkin' Donuts said today that Red Sox pitcher Jonathan Papelbon will be featured in a TV commercial that high-lights a promotion called "Red Sox Win, You Win." The day after every Red Sox victory between now through June 24, customers will receive a free 16-ounce Iced Coffee or Iced Tea with any Oven-Toasted Flatbread Sandwich or Personal Pizza purchased after 11 a.m. at participating stores in much of New England, the Canton-based chain said.
Dunkin Donuts sells pizza? WTF? And more importantly who drinks iced coffee with pizza anyway? I wouldn’t wish that combo on my worst enemy. You might as well give away a free kielbasa with it too. I mean the money you save on the free drink you’re just going to give back ten fold on toilet paper. I think I shit my pants just reading about this promotion. Do me a favor Dunkin Donuts. Stick to the coffee and donuts and leave the weird ass combinations to fast food buffets in Vegas.
8. AUSTIN, Texas - A $5-per-customer fee on strip club patrons dubbed the "pole tax" has been declared unconstitutional. A state district judge ruled Friday that clubs can't collect the fee. The charge went into effect in January and was expected to raise about $44 million for sexual assault prevention programs and health care for the uninsured. Judge Scott Jenkins wrote that the fee, "while furthering laudable goals, violates the First Amendment to the United States Constitution and is therefore invalid." The Texas Entertainment Association Inc., which is a group of topless clubs, and Karpod Inc., the owner of an Amarillo club, sued Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott and Comptroller Susan Combs over the fee. Witnesses for the strip clubs testified at a hearing last year that the clubs would go out of business if they had to collect an additional $5-per-patron fee.
I kind of have mixed emotions on this one. Obviously I agree that it is totally unconstitutional to charge a 5 dollar pole tax on the strip club patrons in Texas. Listen if HBO’s new documentary on John Adams has taught us anything it’s that perverts have right’s too. But let’s not stop there. If we’re really want to start defending the rights of strip club customers this is just the tip of the ice berg. Shouldn’t it be unconstitutional to charge like 20 bucks for a water and 10 bucks for a beer in a strip club? Shouldn’t it be illegal to have strip clubs that don’t allow touching and groping? Shouldn’t it be unconstitutional for strip clubs to hire strippers with stretch marks? I mean the list goes on and on. In fact some may say that no group of people have their rights violated more than perverts. So while I’m happy to see the courts finally start protecting strip club patrons I am left to ponder what took so long?
9. The big news at Barstool Sports World Headquarters in Abington is that as of April 30th my driver’s license is going to be suspended for two months. No big deal. Who needs to drive anyway? It’s not like I run my own business or anything. Apparently some bullshit about 7 moving violations within a 3 year span. Is that even a lot? I mean it’s not like I got any DUI’s or ran anybody over or anything like that. In fact I only have one ticket in the past two years and that was back in September for blowing a stop sign. Basically I went through a really bad stretch a couple years ago when I first moved to Abington and didn’t realize that Weymouth had teenage cops on RT 18 who pull you over if you drive 36 in a 35 MPH zone and discriminate against Astrovans. So I ended up getting like 4 tickets in a 3 week span which totally fucked me. (busted headlight, expired inspection sticker, expired registration all on one stop) I actually had to take some lame ass drivers re-education class right after that stretch to keep my license, but apparently that was a total waste of time because I’ve been near perfect since then and the State is still stealing my license. And the best part is that in the letter they said I can’t appeal it and there is no hardship license or anything like that. Basically their decision is final and I can go fuck myself. Apparently they save all the appeals and loopholes for people who get DUI’s and kill people, but not for people who have expired inspection stickers. Seems fair right? Anyway this sob story is the long way of saying that now I need a driver. Unless of course I just decide to roll the dice and drive without a license. But I’m pretty sure you go to jail if you get busted doing that so I’d need to make sure I could blog from jail first. Plus the First Lady said she’d report me if I drive illegally so I think I need to find a driver. Although going to jail actually may be pretty good for the Stool’s ratings. “Live From Jail It’s El Pres!” I could have like anal rape blogs and shit like that. Hmm, 6 of one half dozen of the other. Still I think I’m leaning towards trying to find a driver. So if you’re interesting in this high paying, high profile, high stress job send me an email to portnoy@barstoolsports.com Hot chicks who love giving BJ’s in the front seat of Astrovans get preference. Also I will be willing to trade advertising with any car service in exchange for toting my ass all over the place. It will be a win, win for everybody!
PS – All girls applying for this position should include a picture of themselves. El Pres can’t have an ugly girl driver. It would just ruin the entire image of the Stool.
10. Bostonherad.com - A young couple dogged by shouting paparazzi scurries down Newbury Street, ducking in and out of stores. As the photographers push to get closer, passers-by pull out their cell phones to snap photos of the stars before asking the lensmen who the celebrity duo is. “I could live like this every day,” said the hunted proto-celeb Justine McCarthy, a hair stylist from Newburyport. “It was an absolute blast.” Your Paparazzi For Hire, a new business venture by wedding photographer and hair stylist Lance McBrayer, launched Tuesday, allowing everyday Bostonians to experience the celebrity lifestyle. We’re really marketing more of the experience than the product,” McBrayer said. “The flashing bulbs and the feeling of everyone’s attention on you. It’s to give people the experience that they normally wouldn’t have.” Faux paparazzi have become popular across the country, with companies popping up in major cities in the United States and Europe. Your Paparazzi for Hire is the only “reality marketing” company in Boston, McBrayer said. For a mere $499, one can be hunted down by a pack of four Your Paparazzi for Hire photographers who will be riveted on you for a full 30 minutes. Up the ante to $2,479 - the premium “Star” package - and the wannabe celeb, accompanied by a body guard, will be able to step out of a limo to be hounded for two hours by six paparazzi whose questions will be fielded by the “star’s” personal publicist.
So let me get this straight. For 499 dollars I can hire fake paparazzi members to take pictures of me and ask me fake questions so I can feel like celebrity for 30 minutes? And for only $2,479 I can get the fake paparazzi treatment for 2 hours? What a fucking deal! That price tag obviously has to include non stop blowjobs from fake groupies for the entire time right? Because if it doesn’t than this has to go down as the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard of in my life. I mean it’s a known fact that the only time it ever makes any sense to fake being famous is if it is somehow going to get you laid. But to pay thousands of dollars to fool strangers on Newbury Street? Are you serious? What kind of loser do you have to be to buy this thing? Congrats you tricked people into thinking you were an F List celebrity for 30 minutes. Awesome job.
11. Bostonherald.com - A furious Marblehead father who got the town’s tobacco-chewing high school football coach suspended for two games now wants the gridiron dipper canned for setting a bad example amid a growing number of teen chawers. “The problem is the cancer issue, what it does to kids’ teeth. They become addicted to nicotine,” said Mike Morris, a transit cop whose son left the team in part because of the coach’s bad habit. "Marblehead Athletic Director Michael Plansky, who said he’s using the suspension as a “valuable teaching lesson,” believes Chernovetz deserves another chance. ” Plansky said Chernovetz has been offered a contract for the 2008-2009 season, but he hasn’t signed it yet. Chernovetz, who led the Magicians to a dismal 4-7 record last year, is a teacher at Wilmington Middle School.
Ha! I love Marblehead! They are such pussies they don’t even know what to do with themselves. Is it any wonder Swampscott owns their ass? I mean they are running coaches out of town for dipping now? Let me ask you this. What football coach doesn’t dip? Instead of worrying about shit like this, how about worrying about having 11 guys on the roster first? How about having a winning season? I mean 4-7 is like a banner year nowadays for the Magicians. Usually I don’t advocate high schools folding, but in this case I think MHS should just shut down their entire athletic program. It’s a disgrace to human civilization. Somewhere in a dark alley, John Chew weeps. As a side note is there any question Marblehead will be one of the first schools in the state to start playing Harry Potter as a sport?
PS – This dad can cut the bullshit. Nobody quits the football team because the coach was dipping. Let’s just call a spade a spade. His kid sucked and couldn’t break the starting lineup, which is almost impossible in Marblehead, so he decided to try and get the coach fired. And this is why Marblehead will always be the doormat of the NEC.
12. The short, troubled career of Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry came to an end Thursday morning when the club released him just hours after he turned himself in on an assault arrest. Henry, who endured two NFL suspensions following his four arrests from December of 2005 to June of 2006, said just last week that he was looking forward to finally having a full season with his teammates. He has been charged with assaulting a University of Cincinnati freshman in a Monday night incident in the Clifton section of Cincinnati. Gregory Meyer claims Henry threw a bottle, shattering his car window and punched him in the face outside his apartment complex. The station said Henry told police it was a case of mistaken identity.
Call me a bleeding heart, but I feel bad for Chris Henry. Here he is, already on Roger Goodell's double secret probation, and now he gets mistaken for this ne'er-do-well who assaulted Greg Meyer and hummed a beer bottle through his window. Henry has to be THE unluckiest guy on the planet. Consider this rotten streak of bad luck:
- Dec. 2005: He gets stopped for speeding. The police mistake him for the Chris Henry that has an invalid license, no insurance and weed in his shoes and arrest him.
- Jan. '06: Police in Orlando mistake Henry for the Chris Henry who's wearing a Bengals No. 15 jersey, carrying a concealed weapon and committing aggravated assault with a firearm, and arrest him.
- June '06. Henry gets pulled over and submits to a breathalyzer. He catches a bad break when the machine mistakenly registers .12 above the legal limit.
- Oct. '06. The NFL mistakenly thinks Henry violated their substance abuse and personal conduct policies and suspends him by mistake.
- Jan. 07. Henry pleads guilty by mistake to plying underage girls with booze in a hotel room and he accidentally goes to jail for two days.
- May '07. Henry takes a court-ordered drug test which erroneously shows a false positive for opiates.
- June '07. In a case of mistaken identity, Henry and teammate Reggie McNeal are accused of assaulting a 16 year old.
- Nov. '07. Henry is wrongfully accused of assaulting a valet in Kentucky.
And now this latest horrible mix up. You wonder how many times Chris Henry can keep being a victim of circumstances like this before it starts to damage his reputation.
13. NEW YORK—Maybe men had it right all along: It doesn't take long to satisfy a woman in bed. A survey of sex therapists concluded the optimal amount of time for sexual intercourse was 3 to 13 minutes. The findings, to be published in the May issue of the Journal of Sexual Medicine, strike at the notion that endurance is the key to a great sex life. Researcher Eric Corty said he hoped to ease the minds of those who believe that "more of something good is better, and if you really want to satisfy your partner, you should last forever."
Is this like a late April Fools joke? Chicks don’t care about stamina? Since when? Can any female Stoolies verify this? Because I’ve made a career out of reciting the Red Sox lineup in my head during the early minutes of sex so I can make it to the final whistle. Now I find out it was all for not? So let me ask you this. If chicks supposedly don’t care about stamina and they supposedly don’t care about dick size then what do they care about? Just physical looks and getting stuffed? Can they be that shallow?
14. MARLBOROUGH — A 25-year-old state employee was arrested Sunday night after police said he drove his car to a Dunkin' Donuts drive-through window while naked. Steven M. Gerrior of 65 West Main St. works for the Department of Correction and has been suspended with pay pending an investigation, said department spokeswoman Diane Wiffin. Gerrior pulled up to the window around 6:30 p.m. and fondled himself while waiting for his coffee, according to a police report filed in Marlborough District Court. When a woman working the drive-through window handed Gerrior a napkin he had asked for, she saw he was nude and became too upset to serve him, according to the report. A second female employee handed Gerrior the coffee, and, she, too, saw him touching himself, the report said. One of the women gave police Gerrior's license plate number, and he was arrested later Sunday night on a charge of open and gross lewdness.
Now before I pass judgment in this case I want to know how long it took for the Dunkin Donuts employees to fulfill Steve’s coffee order. Because I know that there have been lots of times I’ve been sitting there waiting for what seems like an eternity at the drive through window. Your mind can’t help but wander in that situation. You almost have no choice but to play with your dick a little bit. Yeah getting naked and beating off seems a little bit extreme, but maybe it was a really long wait. In any event the D&D workers handled this situation extremely poorly if you ask me. I mean I’m sure this dude wasn’t jacking off thinking of them. So calm down and give him a freaking napkin. The poor guy has cum all over his hands and everybody knows it’s gross to drink a coffee with jizz hands.
Reader Email
Hello
I don’t know if this is news worthy or not to you, but yesterday I went to opening day and besides sitting through a way to long ring ceremony I found a new addition to Fenway that made my entire section cheer. Around the 4th inning or so a vendor came down with a tray full of beer! And was actually selling it. This was not a waitress service but an actual beer vendor. From the 4th to the 7th inning 3 beer vendors came by with millier lite, bud light, and heinken. I was sitting in field box 63 and the surrounding box seats around home plate are the only areas I saw the vendors in. So at least it is a start, but finally beer vendors at Fenway. That made up for the ring ceremony where Brian daubach was the representative for the 04’ SOX.
John
Really? Is this true? Fenway has beer venders now? Hello 21st century! How is this not headline news? Let me just say this. If Fenway starts selling beer in the crowd I promise not to take another cheap shot at The One Eyed Bandit (Larry Lucchino) or Dr. Creepo (John Henry) until at least the all star break. But none of this selling it just in the fancy seats bullshit. It needs to be sold everywhere from the 1st inning through the 7th inning. To be honest I’m having a hard time believing this is true because I always thought there was some sort of blue law on why they couldn’t do this. I mean why else wouldn’t you sell beer and make money? It’s a no brainer. Can anybody else confirm this email?