Random Thoughts
1. ALTOONA, Pennsylvania (AP) — While Democrats increasingly worry about winning ugly, Barack Obama was losing beautifully at a bowling lane in this central Pennsylvania city. Obama dropped by the bowling lanes as part of his new emphasis on low-key, face-to-face campaigning during a six-day bus tour through the state. And it was clear from the start that Obama was way out of his league, certainly any bowling league. The crowd of regulars pressed in to take pictures, get autographs, and rib him on his poor skills. Obama did improve, nearly getting a strike in one frame, and in the seventh, picking up a spare, giving him a score of 37. "I was terrible," Obama laughed as he shook hands with a crowd that had gathered outside the building once word spread he was there.
We are not a political group here at Barstool Sports. We don’t endorse candidates and we don’t talk politics. BUT this story can’t be ignored. Obama bowled a 37? That’s impossible! Even Manzo can bowl a 37! That’s got to be the worst male score ever recorded in the history of earth. There is just NO way I can vote for this guy now. I mean how can you trust anybody who is this bad at anything in life? And if you don’t think that enemies of this country would be emboldened by having a guy who can only bowl a 37 in the oval office than you are nuts! I can just see Osama Bin Laden sitting around a campfire screaming “HE ONLY BOWLED A 37! THE AMERICANS ARE WEAK!" Bottom-line is I just can’t respect a guy who can’t break 40 and neither will the rest of the world. I mean McCain can’t even walk right and Hillary is a chick and I bet they both can smash a 37.
2. Kalb.com - An Ohio man is charged with four counts of public indecency after he admitted to having sex with his patio picnic table. Authorities in Huron County, Ohio say 40-year-old Art Price Junior confessed to repeatedly having sex with the table between January and March of this year. Police in Bellevue, Ohio were tipped off, after someone anonymously taped one of the incidents then gave the recording to police. According to police, Price admitted that he had sex with the picnic table both inside and outside his home. He is free on a $20,000 bond.
Man, it must totally suck to be this picnic table. I mean there is nothing it can do when it sees Art Price Junior coming. It’s not like it can run or scream or anything. It just has to sit there and get its brains fucked out. Regardless let this story be a lesson for all the kids out there. If you’re going to bang the family picnic table than do it in the privacy of your own home as opposed to on the front lawn where nosy neighbors can make a video of it and send it to the cops.
3. YUMA, AZ-- A pair ofArizonaWesternCollegestudent-athletes found themselves in jail and a Matadors assistant football coach lost his job amid sexual allegations following a series of assaults that occurred Monday evening at the AWC residence halls. AWC sophomore basketball player Katrina Johnson, 20, and former Matador All-American volleyball player Patty Paniagua, 19, were arrested Tuesday and booked into the Yuma County Detention Center for assault and disorderly conduct, according to Michelle Sims, AWC public relations and marketing director. During the investigation of the incident by AWC officials, it was also discovered that AWC assistant football coach David Slaughter had engaged in a sexual relationship with one of the student-athletes arrested in the assault. Slaughter, who was in his first year as the wide receivers coach, admitted the relationship with the student-athlete when confronted by the AWC administration and immediately offered his resignation to the school on Tuesday.
First of all, I’m 90% sure “Arizona Western” is one of those fake colleges that Hustler visits for their Oscar nominated “Real College Girls” documentaries/pornos. (By the way I love the part in those videos when the girls show their college ID, so you know it’s real!) And speaking of, I liked the ruling by the judge that ORDERED the 2 chicks who just fought to spend the night in the clink together. I mean if that doesn’t have co-ed lesbian hate-fuck written all over it I don’t know what does. And as far as the wide receiver coach - he probably said to himself, before banging a student enrolled in his school, “I’m the fucking wide-receiver coach at Arizona Western. Until we get a playoff system in college football, this is probably the best I’m going to do.”
4. nme.com -- Drinks manufacturer Dr Pepper have announced they will give a free can of the soft drink to every American – except former guitarists Slash and Buckethead – if Guns N Roses release 'Chinese Democracy' this year.The album has been in the pipeline since 1993, when the group released their covers album 'The Spaghetti Incident?', but its release date has continually been pushed back. Dr Pepper's Marketing Director Jaxie Alt said: "It took a little patience to perfect Dr Pepper’s special mix of 23 ingredients, which our fans have come to know and love. So we completely understand and empathize with Axl's quest for perfection – for something more than the average album. We know once it's released, people will refer to it as 'Dr Pepper for the ears' because it will be such a refreshing blend of rich, bold sounds - an instant classic."
Well I can tell you one thing about Chinese Democracy, it ain’t gonna be no instant classic. I don’t care if Gus Johnson is the producer, this album, if and when it ever comes out, is going to suck beyond belief. Yes, worse than the Spaghetti Incident. And as far as Dr. Pepper, leave the free shit promotions to the experts at Taco Bell, Cinemax and Jordan’s Furniture. There’s a better chance of David Archuletta singing “Mr. Brownstone” next week on American Idol than GNR releasing Chinese Democracy this year. I'm sorry, but this just wreaks of nothing more than a cheap publicity stunt by the scumbags at Dr. Pepper...And in other news, free Barstool hats for everyone if the Knicks win the NBA title.
5. Fox News.com - Police have closed down a circus in southern Italy after a terrified 19-year-old woman was forced to swim in a tank full of piranha fish while her younger sister endured the company of snakes and tarantulas. Three men have been arrested and charged with holding the Bulgarian women in slavery and breaching international human rights conventions. The trio, who are accused of running a "circus of horrors," were named as Enrico Raffaele Ingrassia, 57, the owner, his son William Ingrassia, 33, and his son-in-law Gaetano Belfiore, 25. Ingrassia's daughter, who was not named, told police that a Bulgarian couple and their two daughters, aged 19 and 16, had been held as slaves "in a state of fear" since January. They were forced to work 15 to 20 hours a day for about $200 a week instead of the promised $957, with $757 deducted as "expenses for their upkeep." An appalled spectator tipped off the police after seeing the show, in which Giusi, the 19-year-old woman, tried to escape from the piranha tank "trembling with terror" her head was held down by Ingrassia. Police said the Bulgarian family had lived in the back of a cockroach-infested lorry used for animal transport. The only meat they had been given since January consisted of leftovers from the circus owners' Easter lunch last weekend. Reports said Giusi had a tumour on her ear for which she had twice been operated in Bulgaria. Doctors had told her never to get water in her ears, especially cold water. However the water tank in which she was forced to swim with eight piranhas was kept at a temperature just above zero in order to make the piranhas lethargic.
Everybody is crying about something nowadays huh? First it was Tiger bitching about people taking pictures during his backswing and now these chicks whining about being forced to swim with piranhas. Kids these days will complain about anything. Honestly this story doesn’t even begin to make any sense to me. The daughters were making 200 bucks a week after taxes. How is that slavery? That’s like 200 dollars more than I pay our employees at the Stool. If anything it sounds like these chicks are just spoiled brats. I mean do you want the piranha tank to be kept at zero degrees to subdue the piranhas or do you want the water to be nice and warm so it’s comfortable when you get in, but the piranhas are all jazzed up? It’s your call. But you can’t have your cake and eat it to. At least not while working for the Circus of Horrors.
PS – To say that I am tempted to change the name of Barstool Sports to Circus of Horrors doesn’t even begin to explain how much I like that name.
6. ESPN.com - Tiger Woods is growing more frustrated with photographers snapping pictures of him during his swing. In an interview on ESPN's First Take on Wednesday. Woods addressed an incident at last week's WGC-CA Championship at Doral, Fla., when he reacted to the click of a camera in his backswing with an obscenity-laced threat.
“The next time a photographer shoots a fucking picture, I’m going to break his fucking neck”
"It's been frustrating because that's what been happening lately," Woods told ESPN's First Take. "It's one of the things that comes with playing in the last group, one of the distractions we have to deal with." What's more, Woods said, the distractions have affected his play. "Each time it's happened, well three out of four times, I made bogey," Woods said. "At the time I needed to make birdie, I flinched on it. [The photographer] got me in transition on my downswing.
Oh, Poor Tiger. Boo hoo, boo hoo! Unruly fans are taking his picture during his backswing. Life is so unfair! How will he ever survive? Please. Give me a fucking break. This is why I hate Tiger Woods and this is why I don’t consider golfers athletes. Listen when I go golfing I’m lucky if my buddies don’t spit on me during my backswing, but you don’t hear me whining about it. Bottom-line is that anybody who remotely considers themselves an athlete should be able to block out crowd noise and concentrate on the task at hand. Blaming a bad shot on somebody taking a picture is as low as it gets. Tiger has no problem accepting all the glory when he does well. Learn how to be a man and accept responsibility when you fuck up.
PS – If it were up to me the gallery would be allowed to make as much noise as they want. A golfer needing absolute silence to perform is one of the top 10 most asinine things in sports.
7. Insidetrack.com - Baseball season officially opened yesterday and while the guys are no doubt obsessing aboutDaisuke Matsuzaka’s 60-pitch first two innings, Red Sox [ team stats] Nation’s lady fans have other things on their minds. “Well, if they’re like me, they’re staring at Jason Varitek [ stats]’s (butt),” joked Maggie Magner, one of the founders of Girlsox Nation, a Web site exclusively for female Sox fans. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It’s a different fan experience and that’s what we want to address.” Maggie and pal Sue Stofiraleft their jobs atIsis Maternityin Brookline to start the new site after realizing there was really no place for women fans to discuss the burning baseball issues of the day - such as the hot new PawSoxfirst basemanChris Carter- without intrusive male stats chat. “Women love baseball but aren’t necessarily interested in the same kinds of things as men.” Magner said. “We went to spring training and while the men were all talking stats, the women were talking aboutManny DelCarmen’s baby.” Magner said the site, which just launched at the start of spring training, is already getting hits ranging in “the six figures.”
I can’t decide whether I think this is a good idea or not. I think I’m leaning towards not and here is why. There are two types of chick baseball fans in my opinion. First there are the pink hats. These are the chicks who say they are big fans and love the Sox, but they just love the idea of loving the Sox. Really they just care about looking cute at Fenway and socializing. I’d say this is like 75% of girls. Then the remaining 25% of chick baseball fans are what I refer to as brutes. These behemoths could care less about fitting into those size 2 jeans or personal hygiene in general. They’ll slug down Bud Heavy’s like it’s going out of style. They’ll watch the Red Sox vs. Twins in the middle of August over the Bachelor and even listen to Glenn Geffner or Dale Arnold on the radio. And if they see a pretty chick walking down the street in a pink hat they get so fired up they may try to eat them. Now unfortunately for girlsoxnation.com I don’t see either of these aforementioned groups wanting to become a part of this website. I mean the cute chicks don’t want to talk about baseball on a blog and the brutes don’t want to talk baseball with other girls. So the question becomes who is their audience? Nobody right?
PS - Do people really leave their jobs to start websites? That makes me think you can make money doing this? Should I be making money? Interesting.
8. BOSTON -- Call them Pavlov's fish: Scientists are testing a plan to train fish to catch themselves by swimming into a net when they hear a tone that signals feeding time. Researcher Simon Miner at the Marine Biological Laboratory at Wood's Hole says while the idea of trained fish may seem crazy, the facility has received a $270,000 federal grant to test the concept.
Let me just say this. I will NEVER eat a fish that has been tricked into catching itself. I’m just not that type of guy. I mean what ever happened to dignity in fishing? I want my fish running like a bat out of hell when he thinks he’s in trouble. I want my fish to be like Jaws going down with three barrels on his back and half the time you don’t know who is going to win. A true battle for the ages. What I don’t want is some scientist triggering an electronic shock in my fish’s brain which forces him to swim into a net. Because nothing tastes worse than a eating a fish that was caught with no honor.
9. Newsday [has] obtained a copy of [Jose] Canseco's new book, "Vindicated," and while Canseco didn't flat-out accuse A-Rod of using illegal performance-enhancing drugs, he did write that he introduced the Yankees' third baseman to a steroids dealer - after A-Rod had wondered where a person would go to find steroids if one wanted them. Canseco also accused A-Rod of coveting Canseco's former wife, Jessica, before Rodriguez married his wife, Cynthia. According to the new book, in "the latter half of the 1990s" A-Rod came to Canseco's Florida home and began working out - and ogling Jessica Canseco. Canseco wrote that A-Rod telephoned Jessica Canseco repeatedly. "I'm not a jealous man," Canseco wrote, "but I could see that A-Rod, a bachelor at that time, was jonesing for my wife." Canseco closed the A-Rod section of his book with this passage: "So A-Rod, if you're reading this book, and if I'm not getting through to you, let's get clear on one thing: I hate your [fucking] guts."
See? This just strengthens the case Sox fans have been making against ARod and Yankee fans have been trying to deny for four years now: Alex Rodrigruez is a detriment to a ball club. Period. Baseball is more than about numbers. It's about team. It's about cohesiveness. It's about staying away from your teammate's wife no matter how bad you want to boink her because you've got to put the ball club ahead of the needs of your own penis. Bill James doesn't have a stat for that, but it's what makes a champion. If you respect the game... and let's face it, ARod doesn't... there's certain things you can do and certain things you can't. You can juice. You can doctor a ball. You can throw a little chin music. But you can't yell "I got it!" on the base paths to mess up an infielder and you can't have a teammate introduce you to a steroid supplier then thank him by trying to nail his wife. It's one of those unwritten rules. Jose Canseco lived by the code. "You inject my ass, I'll inject yours." If ARod had that kind honor, he'd have five rings by now.
P.S. Jessica Canseco is becoming arguably the most accomplished ballplayer wife of all time. She not only wrote her own book,Juicy: Confessions of a Former Baseball Wife in which she says Jose's manhood "didn't look like any wiener I'd ever seen before" and 'roids left him with shrunken testicles, she's also posed for Playboy (NSFW) and starred in the epic film "Gettin' It." And of course she compared her juggs (NSFW) with Debbie Clemens' at the infamous Canseco Steroid Talk Family Cookout. You can see why ARod would be drawn to such an accomplished woman.
10. BOSTON — A 13-year-old Quincy boy was arrested today after allegedly driving drunk and crashing a stolen car. State Police attempted to pull the boy over on Neponset Avenue in Dorchester shortly after 1 a.m., but he wouldn’t stop, driving instead toward Neponset Circle, State Police Sgt. David Mahan said. The Ford sedan the boy was driving crashed into a utility pole on Neponset Avenue moments after State Police began following him, and the boy tried to run away, Mahan said. A trooper caught up to the boy and arrested him. The teenager was charged with operating under the influence of alcohol, failure to stop for police, and larceny of a motor vehicle, along with other motor vehicle-related charges, Mahan said.
You got to hand it to this kid. He totally doesn’t fuck around. I mean grand larceny, DUI, and a police chase all in one night and he hasn’t even hit puberty yet. That’s like the Kelly Leak trifecta right there. As a side note, is there any doubt this kid gets all the chicks? I mean you just know that all the Quincy Middle School girls get wet when they see this bad boy peacocking it down the halls of QMS.
11. HARTFORD, Conn.—Prosecutors say a video shows a Connecticut correction officer running a 40-yard-dash in women's clothing and high heels -- at a time he had claimed he was too injured to work. Garrett A. Dalton of Naugatuck has been charged with workers compensation fraud. He's accused of taking part in a radio station's contest for Hannah Montana concert tickets last year. Not only did he have to dress in drag but he had to carry an egg on a spoon. Authorities were alerted after someone saw Dalton in a TV news report. Prosecutors say the 41-year-old collected more than $5,000 in workers' compensation after he reported a work-related injury in June.
Damn just when I think people can’t get any dumber I read a story like this. Rule #1 of workers comp fraud is don’t run the 40 yard dash in women’s clothing with high heels on while carrying an egg on a spoon. It’s the first fucking rule! How do you mess that up? Wait a minute….Did you say he was doing this for Hannah Montana tickets? Well that changes everything! I’d run the 40 with two broken legs if Hannah Montana tickets were on the line. So maybe this guy is really hurt after all because adrenaline is a crazy thing and nothing gets the blood pumping like a little Miley Cyrus action.
12. Boston.com - Jordan's Furniture is betting again on a Red Sox win, this time a sweep of the World Series. Jordan's chief executive Eliot Tatelman revealed today at Fenway Park that if the Boston Red Sox sweep the 2008 World Series by winning the first four games, customers who make a purchase between March 25 and April 27 will receive sofas, sectionals, dining room tables, beds, mattresses, and rugs for free as part of its new "Monster Sweep" promotion.
So let me get this straight. The Red Sox only have to sweep the World Series for people to get their free furniture this year? That's it? Why not just give it away? I mean if I were the lawyer for Jordan's I'd make customers at least have to predict the final score of each game to add a little bit of risk into the deal. Seriously though, if Jordan's wants to run this promotion again that's awesome. But once you start tinkering with the rules it kind of loses its luster. Either man up and do it the same way as last year or don't do it at all. Winning the World Series is the only thing that matters. People shouldn't have to pay for their dining room set because it took 6 games as opposed to four. It's a total coward’s move. I never trusted Barry and Elliot and now I know why. Thank god I bought my new mattress at Sleepys.
13. Bostonherald.com - Thirty years ago Randy Newman was tops in pop for singing, “Short people got no reason to live,” but under a bill to outlaw height and weight discrimination, the crooner would face up to a year in jail in Massachusetts. “It’s no accident that when they looked around the room they made George Washington the general. He was the tallest one,” said state Rep. Byron Rushing. The Boston Democrat’s bid to offer the tiny, the lanky, the obese and the twiglike the same legal protections that people get for their race, religion, gender, age and sexual orientation will be taken up tomorrow at 2 p.m. by the Committee on Labor and Workforce Development. Deidra Everett of Norwood, a member of the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance, is planning to attend the hearing - all 420 sensational pounds of her. “Nobody is happy with their body,” said Everett, “but I think there’s a lot of people in this world, as far as fat people go, who are just disgusted.” Everett believes she was recently passed over for a job because she is obese. “On paper, they loved me. When I got there, their jaws dropped. “I know society is never going to change,” she said, “but this is a bill that can at least assist in situations where people are definitely being treated badly.” Marblehead author Ellen Frankel, whose 4-foot, 8 -inch height inspired her memoir “Beyond Measure,” will break training for her next hike in the Himalayas to testify for Rushing. She expects an uphill climb on Beacon Hill. “We’re so obsessed with height and weight and yet when a bill like this comes up we say it’s ridiculous,” said Frankel, who’s been patted on the head in the workplace and scooped off her feet. Men have even pointed out what part of their anatomy her head is level with.
As the hiring manager here at Barstool Sports let me just say that height would never be an issue when evaluating potential candidates. If anything midgets have an advantage because everybody knows that they make great mascots. My only caveat when hiring the little fella would be to make sure that I can pat them on the head and sweep them off their feet at least 3 times a day. Because what’s the point of hiring a little person if you can’t just scoop them up and run down the hallway with them? Now unfortunately I’m not nearly as open minded when it comes to fatzos. Sure I may love them on paper, but they are just such a drain on company supplies. They’re always eating too much and breaking furniture and shit like that. Not to mention the fact that all fat people are lazy. I mean how do you get to weigh 4 bills without getting off your ass to do something about it in the first place? This is the type of shit they don’t talk about at the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance meetings.
PS – Who is the Government to tell me who I can and can’t hire? The Stool is going to be like that diner in Seinfeld. If you don’t have huge boobs and a great ass you might as well not even apply.
14. SANDERSON, Fla. -- Police in Florida said they have arrested a couple caught having sex in a church. Baker County sheriff's deputies said they received a call about a suspicious person outside the Mount Zion Primitive Baptist Church on March 11. Deputies said they found a red Toyota pickup truck and went inside the church. They said found Crystal Rowland, 24, behind the altar, and Matthew Pearce, 28, underneath the church. Pearce was partially dressed, deputies said. Red tea candles were also collected from the church. Deputies said there was red wax splattered over the altar. When asked why they decided to have sex inside the church, deputies said Rowland told them she wanted a "spiritual and sexual experience." Lonzie Altman has been the deacon of the church for more than 40 years. "I was shocked," he said. "Don't think that the Lord ain't got something for them."
I got to be honest here. I don’t think the Lord would be that pissed at this couple. I mean if you’re looking for a spiritual and sexual experience where else are you going to go besides Church? Wouldn’t it kind of be an insult to the Lord to go anywhere else? Bottom line is that if the Lord is mad about anything it’s probably the fact they used red candles instead of white. Red is just tacky.
PS - That guy may have the worst documented case of red eye in the history of church sex.
15. COLUMBIA, S.C. — Two female middle school teachers were arrested Wednesday on charges they got into a fight in front of students, officials said. Eighth grade teachers Tawana Horton, 30, and Cambrella Pinckney, 28, bumped into each other during a hallway class change Friday afternoon at St. Andrews Middle School and began fighting, according to a report by the Richland County sheriff's department. The two teachers told an officer that they had an ongoing personal dispute, the report said. The teachers were charged with disturbing schools and have been placed on administrative leave, deputies said. "This occurred with students on the scene and they witnessed what happened," Richland School District 1 spokeswoman Karen York. "Teachers are looked at as role models. That doesn't set a good example."
Am I crazy or does this sound exactly like a hockey fight? I mean these two chicks bump into each other on purpose in-between classes (line change) and then drop their books (gloves) circle each other for a couple minutes and then go at it. I’m sure everybody already knew they were going to brawl; it was just a matter of when. In any event I think it’s refreshing to see a couple of broads settle their differences like men. If more chicks would follow the lead of these two educators/trailblazers then maybe chicks wouldn’t be so angry all the time and they wouldn’t hate other girls for being prettier than them. It’s nice to know there are still some role models in today’s educational system.
16. ORANGE COUNTY, Fla. -- Orange County Public Schools is investigating claims that a student was forced to use a lunchbox as a toilet in front of his class at Meadowbrook Middle School. The teacher will not be coming to school. She will be relieved of her duty with pay as the school district investigates, officials said. "If you gotta go, you gotta go," student Quonterious Thomas told Eyewitness News in an interview Monday. Thomas, 13, says his language arts teacher, Jameeka Chambers, gave him two options when he had to go to the bathroom at Meadowbrook Middle School in Orange County. She said he could wait until the end of class or use her lunchbox in the back of the classroom. The sixth grader said he used her lunchbox. "If I had waited any longer, I would have peed on myself and that would have been even more embarrassing," Thomas said, adding that his entire class of 19 students and his teacher watched. The district says teachers have to allow students to use the restroom.
The district says teachers have to allow students to use the restroom? What kind of fluffy ass rule is that? See this is why I couldn’t become a History Teacher like I got my degree in. I couldn’t take all the mammy pammy rules that let students piss all over teachers (no pun intended). Well that and my immune system couldn’t handle the germs, but I digress. So what happens if this kid tries to take like 9 pisses in 20 minutes? The teacher just has to let him go? Clearly there was a reason why the teacher told the kid to hold it or piss in the lunchbox. Stop taking leaks every two seconds and this would have never happened. If anything the teacher should be commended for trying to teach this Nancy Boy a life lesson. You can’t always go to the bathroom whenever you want. Sometimes you need to just piss in a lunchbox.
17. Dailyfreepress.com -State legislators considered a bill yesterday that would close a loophole in rape laws to allow prosecutors to bring charges against people who gain a victim's consent to sex through deception. Under current law, rape in Massachusetts can only be prosecuted if the act involves force and non-consent. The law does not protect victims who have been intentionally duped into having sex without force or violence. California and Tennessee already have "rape by fraud" legislation. If the law passes here, a common concern is that the legislation's vague language regarding deception will result in women who have been seduced by men posing as someone else or claiming to be unmarried filing rape charges.
Rape is obviously not funny. But neither is this law. If this thing passes 100% of everybody I know would be going to jail. And that’s just a conservative estimate. Not to mention 93% of people who hook up on any given weekend in Boston. I mean what’s next? No roofies? No having sex with passed out chicks? Listen, lying and deception is just part of the game when trying to get laid. It is the American way. Scratch that. It’s the human way. And frankly I don’t want to live in a world where you need to “tell the truth” to get laid. Not today. Not ever.
PS - What about chicks who pad their bras? That’s deception right? Is that rape now?
18. Bostonherald.com - Randy Moss is being honored with a commemorative envelope from the U.S. Postal Service. Charleston, W.Va., Mayor Danny Jones plans to make a presentation to the Patriots[ team stats] wide receiver at the state Cultural Center Friday. Along with an illustration of the former DuPont High School and Marshall University standout, the envelope lists his career and 2007 season statistics. Each envelope will include a canceled first-class stamp featuring a Patriots helmet. Moss is coming off a stellar season, catching 98 passes for 1,493 yards and an NFL-record 23 touchdowns.
One second you’re getting accused of domestic abuse and the next second you’re being honored by the U.S. Postal Service with an envelope. What a country! Seriously though, I don’t get it. Sure if anybody deserves an envelope named after them it’s clearly Moss, but what’s the point of putting a canceled stamp on an envelope? I’d rather pay the 41 cents for an active stamp so I can use it. And I’m pretty sure Moss would want it that way too.
PS - I don't mean to be impolite to the fine, hard working people of the US Postal Service, who are hardly ever disgruntled or prone to random acts of senseless violence, but what the hell took them so long? You mean to tell me this was an option all this time and you're just getting around to it? Where were you back in September when he had nine catches for 183 yards against the Jets in Week 1. You should've running these out of the printer the next day. I can appreciate not wanting to make these while Randy was in servitude for those nitwits in Minnesota and Oakland. But the second he resurrected his career with the Pats and proved he's the greatest wideout of all time, it was time to start mass production. For the second printing, and there will be a second printing as every piece of mail I send out this year will be in these babies(nothing says "Happy Holidays" like a Randy Moss envelope), I'm going to suggest putting the "Straight Cash Homie" logo on there as well. And by the way, the Tom Brady stamp is long overdue. And memo to the US Treasury: It's time to start production on the Kevin Garnett quarter and the Big Papi $50 bill.
19. A German retiree is taking a hospital to court after she went in for a leg operation and got a new anus instead, the Daily Telegraph is reporting. The woman woke up to find she had been mixed up with another patient suffering from incontinence who was to have surgery on her sphincter. The clinic in Hochfranken, Bavaria, has since suspended the surgical team. Now the woman is planning to sue the hospital. She still needs the leg operation and is searching for another hospital to do it.
I don't even know this woman and I'm already sick of her whining. OK, the doctors made a mistake. It's not as if no one in Germany ever screwed up before. But she can still get the leg operation. And I'm sure the Hochfranken Clinic will be willing to give her a mark down or a free meal in the hospital cafeteria or something to make up for the blunder. That's what a successful business does. But c'mon already. It's not like they took a leg off. They added something. Free of charge, I'm sure. How often in this world do you get something for nothing? We're a family blog so I don't want to get graphic, but I'm sure Frau whatshername could think of a million uses for a spare anus. I know this: when I went in for my vasectomy, when I woke up (from passing out; it was local anesthesia) if the doctors told me they messed up and gave me an extra penis by mistake, you wouldn't have heard me bitching.
20. Bostonherald.com - A 2007 Stoughton High graduate calling herself “Hurricane Laura” - who was supposed to duke it out with a romantic rival in a public catfight over a boy - pleaded not guilty yesterday to mowing down the “wrong” girl with her daddy’s SUV. Authorities said Catherine Feeney, 17, was an innocent bystander when “Hurricane” Laura Benedetti, 18, apparently on the prowl for her foe, drove her father’s red Mercury SUV into a group of youths gathered to watch the two girls do battle behind Quincy High School Sunday night. Feeney, who remained hospitalized yesterday in serious condition with multiple broken bones, “was literally run over,” Quincy Police Detective Lt. Jeffrey Burrell said. “The place was an absolute madhouse. They were hysterical,” Burrell said of the approximately 30 spectators ages 17 to 23 expecting to see Benedetti, a student at Johnson and Wales University in Providence, rumble with a rival investigators said she had exchanged cell phone calls and text messages with. “It appears to have started with two girls feuding over a boy,” Burrell said. “It ended when the wrong person got hit. I don’t know what these people were thinking.”
Ok let’s get the mushy stuff out of the way first. Obviously all of Stoolie Nation wishes Catherine Feeney a speedy recovery. Our thoughts and prayers are with her. But I can’t say that I didn’t see this one coming. Because just like with any major natural disaster shit goes down when Hurricane Laura comes to town. Bones get broken. Chicks get run over. Houses get destroyed. So if you’re just going to sit there when Hurricane Laura is coming straight at you than you are basically asking for a disaster. It’s kind of like being a storm chaser and then complaining that you got caught in a Tornado. Hopefully everybody is ok and learned a valuable lesson. Next time Hurricane Laura comes to town get the hell out of Dodge.
21. Foxnews.com - Harris County, Texas, native Centava Dozier, 21, filed a $200,000 lawsuit Monday against American Airlines, alleging that a passenger masturbated in the seat next to her and then ejaculated on her hair.Dozier was on her way to visit family and friends in L.A., MyFOXHouston reports. The suit claims Dozier was sitting in an empty row when the plane took off, and then fell asleep. When she woke up, she says she found a substance in her hair and a man masturbating in the seat next to her. Dozier claims that when she asked the flight attendants for help, and requested the man be removed and taken back to his assigned seat, the staff did nothing, MyFOXHouston reports. American Airlines officials maintain that appropriate action was taken and the man was arrested when the plane landed.
This chick is suing American Airlines for 200K? Talk about frivolous lawsuits. Shit happens lady. Listen I’m all for women’s rights, but she was basically asking for this. Sorry honey but don’t fall asleep on a plane if you don’t want some dude beating off on you. It’s like rule #1 of flying. If anything this broad should be grateful that this guy had the common courtesy to shoot his load in her hair as opposed to her face so he wouldn’t wake her up. After all everybody knows how hard it is to fall asleep on a plane.
22. NEW YORK — A businessman claims in a lawsuit that he was injured when a stripper giving him a lap dance swiveled and smacked him in the face with the heel of her shoe. Stephen Chang, a securities trader, said in court papers filed Friday that he was at the Hot Lap Dance Club near Madison Square Garden and was getting a paid lap dance when the accident occurred early Nov. 2, 2007. According to the lawsuit, as the dancer swung around, the heel of her shoe hit him in the eye, causing him "serious injuries."A man who identified himself as the manager of the Hot Lap Dance Club said he was unaware of the accident or the state Supreme Court lawsuit. The club's lawyer, Stephen Ateshoglou, did not immediately return a call.
Well I think it was Vince Lombardi who once said, “live by the lap dance, die by the lap dance.” Everybody knows you can’t go around getting lap dances and not expect a boot in the eye every now and again. I mean it’s not like he got cold-cocked in the men’s room. It’s a lap dance – “buyer beware” I say. Plus, what were the “serious injuries”? The way I was raised - suing a stripper is like pickup basketball, it’s gotta be a pretty hard foul to call something. Bottom line – go to a place called the Hot Lap Dance Club in midtown Manhattan and you gotta expect some rough stuff. If you can’t take it, I’m sure there’s a Hooters down the street.
23. Bostonherald.com - Fed up with violent video games in the hands of children, Boston Mayor Thomas M. Menino wants to outlaw sales of the bloody games to minors, a controversial crackdown plan that’s already drawing the ire of teen players and the gaming industry. “Children aged 17 and under should not be sold this stuff, so they are not getting into the hands of 9- and 10-year-olds,” said Larry Mayes, Menino’s chief of human services. Menino’s bold move comes as Boston and Brockton are dealing with much bloodshed on city streets, with the Hub recording 13 murders so far this year. Brockton has seen four killings and scores of shootings. Most of the victims in both cities are teenagers.
So let me get this straight? There has been a rash of violence in Boston lately and the Mayor’s answer to stop this crime spree is to ban violent video games from kids? Brilliant! Well I guess I should just be thankful that he didn’t decide to ban news racks instead. Because when in doubt, Menino always falls back on one of three things. Ban news racks, ban video games or throw a parade.