Random Thoughts
1. BBC.com - A nurse left elderly patients alone while she had water fights with other staff, a disciplinary hearing was told. Michelle Bache was part of the play fights while in charge of Bodawen Nursing Home in Porthmadog, Gwynedd, and admitted seven misconduct charges. She had already been sacked, the Cardiff hearing was told.
I’ve read this story five times and I still don’t get it. What did Michelle do wrong? Everybody knows that when a water fight breaks out you drop whatever the hell it is that you are doing and get your ass in the game. I mean there are just certain things that are more important in life than making sure old people don’t die. Water fights and snowball fights are clearly two of them. I mean is there anybody reading the Stool right now who can honestly say they wouldn’t abandon a bunch of old folk if a water fight broke out right in front of them? No fucking way.
2. OKLAHOMA CITY -- Jacob Andrew Laws, 28, was arrested Monday afternoon for attacking his wife because he was unhappy with breakfast, according to an Oklahoma City police report. Displeased with his pancakes, Laws began to verbally and physically attack his wife Jessica, according to the police report. Laws took his flapjack distaste to an extreme level when he allegedly grabbed his wife by the neck and threw her to the floor. She got up, but Laws then threw her on their bed and began hitting her, read the report. Police said when Laws was finished attacking his wife, Jessica drove, with a friend, to the Will Rogers Briefing Station with her two children. Police photographed the red marks on her neck and face, but have not yet released those photos. Laws was arrested for domestic abuse and assault and battery. He also has arrest warrants for failing to appear in a Canadian County courtroom for DUI charges and fraudulent check charges.
Let me start by saying that there is nothing funny about domestic abuse. NOTHING. But there is also nothing funny about bad pancakes either. So as you can see I’m torn here. I guess what I’m saying is that it’s impossible to pass judgment in this case without tasting the pancakes first. If they were even remotely edible than this guy should have just given his wife a stern talking to. But if they were just flat out gross and he had to throw them away then maybe you shake her a little bit or maybe a quick backhand. But choking and hitting is never acceptable. Not even with bad pancakes.
3. AOL - Tom Jones refuses to take chances with some of his most famous assets -- his chest hair. "Even at the grand old age of 67, the ladies love his hip-thrusting moves and catching a sneaky peak of his famously rugged chest hair," a source says. "Like a vintage wine, Tom just gets better with age," the same source adds. Jones is not the first celebrity, nor the last, to protect his features in this manner. Others include supermodel Heidi Klum, who insured her legs for $2 million, and Bruce Springsteen, who insured his voice for $1 million.
I read this story yesterday and actually just assumed it was fake. And to be honest I still don’t get it. How do insure your chest hair? I can understand insuring your voice or your legs. But your chest hair? Doesn't chest hair just grow back if it falls out? I mean what’s the worst that can happen? It just seems like a silly thing to insure if you ask me. Anyway, that’s not really the point of this random thought. Instead this random thought is for all the thousands of female stoolies we have out there. Do chicks dig chest hair or is this just like an old lady thing? Because I’ve been rocking a lot of V-neck t-shirts lately. I started wearing them with my Justin Bobby costume for Halloween and kind of got hooked. Needless to say I tend to flash more chest hair than I used to. And lately I’ve been becoming self conscious about it. I’m starting to wonder whether chicks are sneaky laughing at me behind my back. But if Tom Jones is insuring his chest hair for 7 million than maybe this is the way to go after all? I guess what I’m asking is whether chest hair is in or not?
4. BostonHerald - Reliever Craig Hansen strode through the Red Sox minor league facility yesterday a changed man... [T]hanks in large part to the diagnosis of his sleep apnea, and a subsequent surgery to treat the condition, he couldn’t be happier...“Right now, I feel like I have a lot of energy,” Hansen said. “I feel like I could do a lot of things that I couldn’t do before. I got the (surgery) done, so now is the season to look forward to.
Well, this explains everything. I've been waiting to find out the cause of Hansen being the biggest bust of the Theo era, but I figured we'd have to wait for him to get traded, then all the beat writers would give us the inside dirt they never have to the balls to tell us while a guy is still around. I'd heard rumblings...little hints like Steve Buckley or someone would praise Manny Delcarmen for being really coachable and contrast him with Hansen who euphemistically "could use a change of scenery." Now we find out he's been falling asleep at meetings, something that, call me crazy, might have something the fans should have been told about before now. But this is great news for me personally. Not just as a Red Sox fan, who'd like to see Hansen become a productive member of the bullpen, but to me as a full time, underachieving slacker. I'd been running out of exotic ailments to use as an excuse at work, and I'd completely overlooked Sleep Apnea. I've gone through Monkey Pox, Mad Cow, EEE, SARS... plus that unfortunate bout of Tourette's. But the rare diseases have been getting harder to come by lately, and this Sleep Apnea thing is perfect. Maybe not for banging in sick necessarily, but it should explain away my half-assed performance. "Sorry I've only written two blogs all week, El Prez. Blame it on my enlarged uvula." Perfect. Thanks, Craig Hansen. You've earned every penny of that signing bonus.
5. Movie reviews really aren’t our thing here at the Stool. But every once in awhile a movie comes along that we’d be doing an injustice not to let our readers know about. King of Kong Fistful of Quarters is one of those movies. Now I’d never heard of this until Manzo wrote an article in our latest issue about watching some dude compete for the World Record in Dig Dug at Fun Spot in NH. This article sparked some conversation about a documentary called King of Kong Fistful of Quarters which focuses on two guys competing for the World Record in Donkey Kong. So this weekend I checked Rotten Tomatoes to see the reviews about it and it got a 96% rating which if like the highest any human made movie can get. This sealed the deal. I decided to put down my clicker, get off my couch and go rent it at Blockbuster. This by itself is a monumental event since my couch could be on fire and I wouldn’t get up on a Saturday afternoon. Needless to say I’m glad I did it. Now I readily admit that I’m a video game guy so I thought the subject matter was pretty funny. But even The First Lady, who most would say is not a video game guy LOVED it. It is one of the best movies I’ve seen in years. There will be no better story about good vs. evil in the next decade. And if there is any justice in this world Billy Mitchell will win an Oscar for the best villain of the year. I don’t care if this isn’t a category, he should still win. That’s how good he was. He makes the bad guy from No Country for Old Men look like Mary Poppins. So there is your Barstool tip of the day. Rent King of Kong…Fistful of Quarters. It gets four Golden Stools.
6. Boston.com - Boston restaurant and club owner Patrick Lyons is hardly Big Papi, but he is relishing his first time in the visitors' batting cage in the basement of Fenway Park. He has just stepped through a door from his Fenway eatery Game On! and entered the indoor cage, which is all artificial turf, padded mats, and black netting. "It's exhilarating," says Lyons, 55, who played sandlot ball as a child. For the first time at Fenway, fans will be able to enter the visiting team's batting cage and take swings in the same practice area used by the likes of Derek Jeter and Miguel Tejada. Lyons and the Red Sox say they aren't aware of any other Major League Baseball team with such an arrangement. Naturally this will all occur when the Sox aren't at Fenway, and naturally it will cost, starting at $50 to $75 per head. Here's how it works: You book a party of at least 20 people - birthday, corporate, bachelor, whatever - at Game On!, which is on Fenway property but outside the gates. The package includes food, the batting cage - complete with bats, helmets, and a pitching machine - and cheers and jeers from your friends, who can watch through a huge one-way window in the basement bar. There's another novel plan in the works: When the Sox are at Fenway, restaurant patrons will be able to watch - free of charge - the visiting team take batting practice through that huge window in the bar, which is now covered by a NASCAR mural. Lyons hopes to have the window ready by opening day on April 8."As soon as that mural comes down, you will be able to sit here and see the visiting team practice," says Lindsay Curtis, marketing manager for the Lyons Group. "They're in there an hour and a half before each game."
With apologies to every other bar around Fenway Park (Cask, Baseball Tavern etc) none of them can now hold a candle to Game On! I guess it shouldn’t be that surprising that they would smash their competition like this since they are clearly the smartest bar in the area. How else can you explain that they’re the only ones to advertise with us? Anyway I digress. This is by far the best addition to any bar since I’ve lived here which is my whole life. I’ve been hearing whispers about this for years and now it has finally arrived. How cool is it to be able to pregame and watch the other team take BP right in your face? There hasn’t been this much excitement at Game On! since our March Madness Pop A Shot tournament last year. Granted it will probably be impossible now to get in, but whatever. Get their early is all I can say. As far as paying 50-75 bucks to take BP, that seems pretty freaking steep. But I guess if only do it once or twice it’s not that big of a deal. My only question is does the Jugs Machine come with it or do you need to bring Deeds (total inside joke for SHS people)? Regardless it’s time to dust off the Green Easton.
PS – Do you see how I naturally weave a real story into pumping up a client that advertises with us? Sometimes I amaze myself. Now let all the Stoolies who love to sabotage us commence with the Game On! bashing.
Double PS TRIVIA EVERY WEDNESDAY AT GAME ON!
7. Wikipedia.com - Tyla Wynn(bornNancy Spenceron October 16, 1982 in Lubbock, Texas) is an American pornographic actress. While born in Lubbock, she moved to Lancaster, California[4] during her childhood. She entered the adult industry after her agent at So Cal Pro Models booked her into a foot fetish scene with Jennifer Luv.[2] She has stated to prefer anal sex over regular sex, at one point mentioning that she had done "about two hundred and thirty anal scenes".[2] Due to her preference, she is unable to defecate normally, and must give herself an enema daily to cleanse her bowel.[2]
Tyla Wynn/Nancy Spencer’s parents must be so proud! Not only does she have her own page on Wikipeida, but she’s had so much anal sex that she can’t even defecate without a daily enema. If that’s not dedication to the craft than I don’t know what is. PBS should do a documentary on her for all the little girls out there who need a role model. Because if the Tyla Wynn story proves anything, it’s that if you work hard enough at your job and get fucked enough in the ass, then maybe one day you'll not be able to shit right either. It’s pretty emotional stuff.
PS - I love Wikipedia as much as the next guy, but sometimes there is such a thing as too much information and this is one of those times. In all seriousness this is arguably the grosses thing I’ve ever posted on the Stool. But if there is one thing I've learned here at the Stool over the years it's that gross puts asses in the seats.
8. Boston.com - A lost client, crashing computer, a boss's sharp rebuke, or a bad news phone call from home, and pow - you begin to lose it at work. The tears start to well up. It's not a good day. But is crying a black mark on your office reputation, even a career-killer? Carynne Corvaia, a marketing manager in Lowell, has seen all kinds during a career that's taken her from high-tech to healthcare and now tourism, and she's shed one or two herself at the office. "There's being silent at your desk when a tear rolls down your face, and there's sniffling and ignoring your own tears, then there's acting out your crying," says Corvaia, marketing director for the Greater Merrimack Valley Convention and Visitors Bureau. "Good tears are tears under control - the moist eye, the almost-tears that show that a person feels very deeply, but still is under control of her or his emotion," says Stephanie Shields, a psychology and women's studies professor at Pennsylvania State University who has done research on people's perception of public crying. 
Is Boston.com really asking whether crying is ever good at the office? Listen you don’t need a degree in Psychology from Bridgewater State to know that crying is NEVER good at work. I don’t care whether it’s somebody bawling or somebody who just has “the moist eye.” If you think you’re about to cry you better get the hell out of the office. Because take it from me, the CEO of a multi-international smut peddling empire, crying equals you’re fired. Sure I may act all nice if some chick comes into my office and starts getting emotional about her workload. Hell I may even let her suck my dick. But I guarantee you that she’ll have a pink slip on her cube before she returns to sit down. The bottom line is that only freaks cry at work. End of story.
9. So last week after Mardi Gras Party I was driving back to Abington at 2:30am when I get a call from an unrecognized number. Since I had nothing else going on at the time I answered it. Turns out it was a girl (former smoke show of the day) calling to thank me and say she had a great time. Naturally I said no problem; glad she came blah, blah, blah. Well one thing led to another and we were on the phone until almost 4am! 4am!!! Now keep in the mind my previous record for longest documented phone call was like 7 minutes back in 2002 and that was with my bookie. So needless to say this was very unusual for me. I’m totally not a phone guy. But the bottom-line is that if a hot chick calls me late night I’m not hanging up until I figure out what is going on. But after 60 minutes of talking about absolutely nothing (literally nothing) I finally decided to cut to the chase. I flat out asked her if she was flirting with me and sneaky had an El Pres crush going on because this was borderline nuts. Her answer was absolutely not and that she just wanted to be friends. So here I was going on over an hour with a girl who was trying to be my friend. Awesome! When are girls going to learn? There is no such thing as a platonic friendship unless the girl is ugly and who wants to be friends with ugly girls? The only reason a guy would ever hang around with a hot girl under the friendship guise is because they think there is a chance of getting laid. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday. And I don’t have enough time or energy to fake like we’re great buddies. So for all you ladies out there, be forewarned that platonic friendship is out of the question with El Pres. We can be acquaintances, but definitely not pals. And just as an FYI to all you naive girls out there, there is no dude on the planet who hangs out with you just because you have a great personality. 100 out of 100 times they have visions of getting in your pants down the road. Welcome to the real world.
10. I was in downtown crossing yesterday doing my paper route when I came to what I would qualify as a fairly stunning revelation. I think I decided that I want to buy a new pair Jordan’s. I don’t even know how it happened. One second I was filling news racks and the next second I was staring into the window of Foot Locker thinking it may be cool to have them. Fucking crazy right? Do people even still wear these anymore? I mean when I was growing up they were like the hottest thing of all time. You were a fucking nobody if you didn’t have a pair of Jordan’s. I think I had three or four pairs spanning from "87"-"90". And I remember all hell breaking loose at Pennyworths every year on the day they came out. It was a big deal. It was like WW III in there. And I swear they got uglier every year, but nobody gave a shit. It didn’t even matter what color or size you got them in either. You just took whatever they had left. I think I was walking around in sneakers that would fit Shaq for a year or so. Anyway, back to the point. Is there any way for me to pull off actually wearing these things? Or am I way out of my league here? I mean I’d have to be the oldest white dude not in the NBA rocking these right? But I’m sick of all this Puma and hip sneaker shit. It’s time to go back to basics. Has anybody else thought about buying a pair lately? Fuck it. I think I’m going to do it. I need some new route sneakers. And I feel like a pair of 2008 Air Jordan’s will class up the entire operation.
As a total side note, I also met my new favorite pan handler yesterday in downtown crossing. His name is Danny Flynn and he was introducing himself to everybody the following way;
“Hi I’m Danny Flynn, Homeless Guy. Nice to meet you.”
It sounded like he was running for President. I’m not sure if he broke it out just for Super Tuesday, but I gave him a buck anyway. I'm such a good guy.
11. ST. AUGUSTINE, FL -- Investigators say a woman accused of drunk driving had a case of beer buckled up safely, and a one year old girl sitting in the backseat without a seatbelt or car seat. On Super Bowl Sunday, a deputy saw a car drive through a red light and swerve back and forth over the center lane on U.S. 1 South. The deputy stopped the car. Investigators say the woman, who identified herself as Tina Williams, smelled of alcohol. According to the report, Williams told the deputy she never had a license and was running out of gas. The deputy saw a case of Busch beer in the front seat with a seat belt around it, and a baby girl in the backseat. When asked why the girl wasn't restrained, Williams reportedly told the officer, "I don't know."
Freaking cops. Always looking to hassle the little people. Listen maybe the reason this lady didn't buckle up her baby was as simple as the fact she was shitfaced and not thinking straight. Or maybe she didn't have time to buckle up both the beer and the baby and was forced to pick one or the other. The baby has hands. Busch Light doesn't. What would you do? Plus it was superbowl Sunday so I'm sure a lot of people were depending on that beer. And keep in mind she was running out of gas the entire time this was happening. I guess what I'm saying is this isn't as black and white as it seems. Lots of variables and extenuating circumstances that need to be taken into account before passing judgment on this lady. I mean this is still America right?
12. news.com.au - CONSUMER officials in Romania have upheld a complaint from a man who said his inflatable doll had lost its moan. A sex shop in Brasov, Transylvania, was fined more than $1200 and ordered to provide the man, said to be in his 40s, with a new doll. The man had also complained that the rubber doll deflated too quickly, local media said.
God damn sex doll manufacturers think they can get away with anything nowadays. Good for this guy for standing up to them. I mean if you’re paying $1200 for a sex doll than the moan better fucking last and it better fucking be loud. Because if I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times. Without the moan you might as well just beat off in a tissue. As far as the doll deflating too quickly I’m not into cuddling after inflatable doll sex so that doesn’t bother me as much. But you got to have the moan. It’s not even a topic of discussion.