Random Thoughts
1. NEW YORK -- A Manhattan librarian emerged as a champion couch potato after three rivals gave in to sleep deprivation or nature's call. Stan Friedman won the ESPN Zone Ultimate Couch Potato Competition, which began Tuesday morning at the ESPN Zone restaurant in Times Square. The event ended Wednesday afternoon after more than 29 grueling hours of continuous sports viewing -- mainly college football bowl games and endless highlights loops. Friedman, a research librarian whose favorite sport is baseball, was declared the victor when runner-up Nate Lopez ran to the bathroom before the allotted break time.
Well it might be a new year (2008), but it’s another dark day for America. It appears even the laziest people in this country aren’t lazy enough. Only 29 hours watching TV? What are you fucking nuts? I could do 29 hours with hemorrhoids and a broken remote. I mean this is America, we’re the laziest pieces of shit on the planet. 29 hours is just unacceptable if we truly want to compete with the rest of the world. Now I did a little research – the world record is 69 hours straight, surprisingly not held by Mr. Perfect, so this “couch potato” was 40 hours short! And if you read between the lines like me, the guy only won because the other guy had to take a shit. Hey buddy, you’re in the NYC couch potato contest – fucking hold it in. Anyway, if this is the laziest we can get in this country then we're in deep, deep trouble. And as a side note, yes, this blog was the beginning of my political career.
2. Just like everybody else I have been soaking up all this Pats 16-0 coverage. I literally can’t get enough of it. But at the same time I kind of think this overwhelming sense of accomplishment is just a bit premature. I’m not so much talking about the players reaction, but rather the fans and media’s reaction. I feel like I’ve heard countless people say that regardless of what happens the rest of the way nobody can take away this great accomplishment. And to that end, stores across New England are selling commemorative 16-0 t-shirts, sweatshirts and other apparel. Well let me make something very clear. If we don’t win the Superbowl than going 16-0 means dick shit. It will be like it never even happened. Therefore, the Pats face more pressure than any other team has ever faced heading into these playoffs. We have everything to gain and everything to lose all at once. The Pats either complete the greatest single season of all time or they are left with nothing. Immortality is on the line. It is a test of true greatness that only the best team of all time will be capable of passing. And frankly I’m already having panic attacks just thinking about the ramifications.
3. I’ve got an embarrassing confession to make. I think I’ve officially decided that I like Britney Spears new CD. I don’t even know how it happened. I was minding my own business the other day driving in my car and suddenly “It’s Britney Bitch” came on the radio and boom I was hooked. Now I’m not claiming that she deserves to win a Grammy or anything like that, but I’d totally buy this CD. Listen, I know that I should hate it. I know I should change the station whenever it comes on. But I think that’s part of the appeal. She’s just such a shit show that it makes you feel dirty when you’re listening to it. Like you’re doing something wrong. It’s almost like smoking butts or listening to rap in elementary school. Plus my sources tell me that chicks basically start dyking out in the clubs whenever it comes on. Bottom-line is that if you’re listening to Britney Spears you’re basically saying you don’t give a rat’s ass about life and you just want to fuck. At least that’s the message I take from it. So as long as you can pretend it’s still hot Britney singing these songs as opposed to the current ugly bitch Britney, I highly recommend it.
4. New England's undefeated season now includes yet another achievement: Bill Belichick is The Associated Press 2007 NFL Coach of the Year. The first coach since Don Shula in 1972 to lead his team through a spotless regular season, Belichick won the award Thursday for the second time in four years. In 2003, the Patriots went 14-2 and won their final 12 games. This time, Belichick's team rampaged through the first part of the schedule, then won a handful of close games on their way to a 16-0 finish. Spygate didn't stop 29 of the 50 voters on a nationwide panel of media members who cover the NFL from voting for Belichick. In a season highlighted by many strong coaching performances, Belichick beat out Green Bay's Mike McCarthy, who received 15 votes for leading the Packers to a 13-3 record and the NFC North title.
At this point, there's no statement from Belichick. But when he deems one appropriate, we can be certain he say something like "I am grateful for this award but it reflects on the entire Patriots organization blah, blah, blah." But if the Great Hooded One chose to be honest... that is to say if being honest would help win him a Super Bowl, he would descend from Mount Olympus, stand before the ink stained mortals of the press, and say "Fools! You dare to insult me with the faint praise of your Coach of the Year award? I, who produced a 16-0 season under the withering fire of accusations of cheating, allegations of running up the score, and criticism of general classlessness? I who at a time when every move I make on and off the field is picked apart, critiqued and analyzed by an industry of self-righteous, uniformed, know-it-alls, achieved perfection... perfection... and now you dare to vote me Coach of the Year my a mere 29 of 50 votes? Begone! Begone with you all. Back to the Mike McCarthys and Tony Dungys you love so much. And think yourselves fortunate I do not rid the land of the blight your presence puts upon it."
Hopefully the NFL Commissioner's office will do the right thing and present The Hooded One with Eric Mangini's severed head in lieu of a trophy.
5. Elmira - An Elmira man is facing a harassment charge for biting his mother-in-law's finger during an argument. Perry Campbell, 27, was watching TV with his mother-in-law at their Hall Street home. When she asked him to move his beer can so that she could see the screen, police say Perry got angry. He got so angry, in fact, that police say he actually bit her finger.
I frankly don't see the need to get into "who bit whom" or "who was being unreasonable" or "who finally drove whom so batshit crazy with her constant self-absorbed, me-first, nagging, complaining and judgemental passive/aggressive battle-axery that the poor bastard couldn't take it anymore and finally gave the old shrew the what-for." That would be counter productive. Let's just say that mistakes were made on both sides, starting with the moment Perry and Mrs. Perry's mom decided to move into Hall St. together. Even if the place was a mansion (which I assume it wasn't) living with your in-laws is a bad idea and bite marks resulting from chronic nagging were inevitable. Buckingham Palace wasn't big enough to keep Princess Di from trying to chomp on the Queen's digits once in a while I assure you. Perry's next mistake was sharing a TV with Mrs. Campbell's mom. As a general rule, you shouldn't spend any more time in a room with your wife's mother than it takes for her to get out one thinly veiled insult. Then you should make yourself scarce. The biting was the logical extension of his poor judgement there. None of this applies to me you understand. I'm just talking in general. I would never bite my Adorable Irish Rose's mom. Because we get along swell. And because her blood is made of a highly concentrated acid.
6. The lawyer for Brian McNamee said he will file a lawsuit against Roger Clemens if Clemens says in his upcoming "60 Minutes" interview that McNamee was lying when he said he injected Clemens with performance-enhancing drugs, according to a published report.
Please God, let this happen. This is now my wish for 2008. That Clemens tells Mike Wallace McNamee is lying, McNamee lawyers up, they drag Rocket's penuriuos, morally bankrupt ass into court and get him to testify under oath. Not because of performance enhancers; my eyes and 30 different major league ballpark radar guns have been saying for a decade that Clemens was pumped full of more steroids than a herd of veal calves and I honestly couldn't care less. I want this to happen because in a sworn deposition you can ask a guy virtually anything and he has to answer truthfully or risk getting fitted for the Martha Stewart prison jumpsuit. Just ask Bill Clinton. They started out asking him about the ugly girl with the big nose and wound up finding out about the ugly girl with the big ass. He lied about it and the rest is, literally, history. And if this wish could somehow come true, here's what I'd want them to ask him:
"In Game 6 of the 1986 World Series, did you ask McNamara to take you out or did he pull you against your wishes?"
"Were you mailing it in during your last four years in Boston when you went 40-39?"
"Have you ever accepted a contract offer that was less than someone else was offering?"
"Did you really think the bat you threw at Mike Piazza was the ball?"
"Why would you throw the ball at a baserunner?"
"Why did you show up Butch Hobson in his first Spring Training camp? What did he ever do to you?"
“You don't really give a goddamn about watching your sons play ball, do you?"
"Why the bizarre fixation on Andy Pettite?"
"Do you really have a 'special relationship' with Drayton McLane like Peter Gammons says you do, or is he just a rich old coot who pays you whatever you ask for?"
"Joe Torre is kind of a dink, isn't he?"
"This whole business of 'Roger loves to mentor the younger players' is a bunch of crap, isn't it?"
"When you bitched about having to carry your luggage, you meant every word of it, didn't you?"
"Torre, Pettite, Al Nipper and a million dollars in cash are all in a house fire; which would you save?"
Sadly though, this'll never happen. Some dreams are too good to come true.
7. TUCSON, Ariz. — A beauty pageant winner and law school student clerking for a federal judge faces charges that she kidnapped and tortured an ex-boyfriend.Kumari Fulbright, 25, was indicted with three men Dec. 18 by a Pima County Superior Court grand jury on charges of kidnapping, armed robbery, aggravated robbery and two counts of assault with a deadly weapon, the Arizona Daily Star reported.It said the alleged assailants held a 24-year-old man captive for 10 hours on Dec. 8 while robbing and torturing him. Court documents said the foursome tied the man up with plastic cable ties and duct tape, holding him at two Tucson homes, during which time they pointed handguns at him, threatened his life, stole his cell phone, briefcase and wallet, taking between $500 and $600. The newspaper also said the documents accused Fulbright of biting him several times, sticking a butcher knife in his ear, saying she was going to kill him and pointing a pistol at him. The Star said after eight to 10 hours, the victim grabbed Fulbright's gun, which went off, and he fled the house screaming for help.
Dude what type of half assed beauty pageant/law school/kidnapper is this chick? How the fuck did the ex boyfriend grab the gun? This is like rule #1 in the kidnapping handbook. Don’t let the fucking victim get the weapon. It seems so easy, but you’d be amazed how many times the kidnappers screw this up. This drives me nuts. If you’re going to do something than do it right. Although the butcher knife to the ear was a nice touch. I got to give her that much.
8. Dailymail.com - Renee Williams became the largest person ever to have gastric bypass surgery earlier this year after ballooning to nearly seventy stone – but died 12 days later. Renee Williams weight balloned from 40 to 70 stone after a car crash. Renee, from Austin, Texas, had battled with her weight since childhood and was classified as super-morbidly obese at the age of 12. She was married by the age of 15 and had her first child, Mirina, at 16 weighing 30 stone. Renee had grown to a massive 35 stone by the time she had her second daughter Mariah. "When you don't have that thing in your head that tells you you're full, it's disgusting the amount of food you can eat," She said.
It’s a sad day when the world’s fattest chick dies. Sad day indeed. But when they measure you in stones, I guess it’s just a matter of time. And since this is such a tragedy I’m not even going to ask what type of dude would marry a 15 year old who has been classified as super morbidly obese since the age of 12. Nor am I going to speculate on how Renee Williams was able to procreate in the first place. Instead let’s just tip a 40 and say a prayer for the passing of this gentle giant.
9. GARLAND, Texas - An essay that won a 6-year-old girl four tickets to a Hannah Montana concert began with the powerful line: "My daddy died this year in Iraq." While gripping, it wasn’t true — and now the girl may lose her tickets after her mom acknowledged to contest organizers it was all a lie. The girl won a makeover that included a blonde Hannah Montana wig, as well as the grand prize: airfare for four to Albany, N.Y., and four tickets to the sold-out Hannah Montana concert on Jan. 9. The mother had told company officials that the girl’s father died April 17 in a roadside bombing in Iraq, company spokeswoman Robyn Caulfield said. "We did the essay and that’s what we did to win," Priscilla Ceballos, the mother, said in an interview with Dallas TV station KDFW. "We did whatever we could do to win." Contest organizers are reviewing the matter, and is considering taking away the girl’s tickets.
The contest organizers are considering taking away the girl’s tickets? Umm, not only should her tickets be taken away but the mother should be shipped off to Iraq on the next plane out of the United States and used as a rag doll for all the soldiers stationed there. Listen ordinarily I’d say there is nothing wrong with lying about a death in the family to further personal gain. It’s kind of the American Way. Like the mother said, you play to win the game. But you got to do it Johnny Fairplay style. You got to make up a lie that doesn’t really effect anybody but yourself. Say that your dad got caught in quick sand and suffocated to death or that he got eaten by an alligator while playing golf. But whatever you do you can’t say he died in Iraq. It’s just a total slap in the face to all soldiers who are serving our country. I mean maybe I could let it slide if this was for four tickets to Jimmy Buffett in Anguilla, but Hannah Montana in Albany? Just totally unacceptable.
10. REVERE, Mass. -- Police arrested a woman they said stole a taxi and crashed into an SUV. Rhoda Ngarambe, 23, stole the cab in Chelsea. Apparently, she didn't know where she was going because she stopped and asked a police officer for directions. Then Ngarambe took off on Route 16. According to police, she ran through stop signs, traffic lights and swerved through traffic. Police caught up with her after she crashed into an SUV in Revere. Alcohol was found in the vehicle and she was drunk, said authorities. Ngarambe was due in court on Thursday, but did not show. The state has issued a non-bailable warrant for her arrest.
Say whatever you want about Rhoda Ngarambe but this chick has balls of steel. I mean it’s one thing to steal a taxi cab. But then to stop and ask a cop for directions? Simply diabolical! Although truth be told, drunk or sober that area on Route 16 near Chelsea/Revere can be a little tricky. But I digress. Bottom-line is that I wouldn’t want to play truth or dare with Rhoda Ngarambe. “Hey Rhoda I dare you to steal a cab, ask a cop for directions, run a bunch of red lights, crash into an SUV and then skip your court appearance. Check Mate.
PS – Do you think the cop who gave her direction is getting razzed at the police station like when a guy gets turtled on film? I mean it’s got to be kind of embarrassing to give directions to a drunk chick who is driving a stolen cab and not even bat an eyelash until she smashes into an SUV.
11. MSNBC.com -- Welcome to the promise of the Internet at 33,000 feet — and the questions of etiquette, openness and free speech that airlines and service providers will have to grapple with as they bring Internet access to the skies in the coming months."This gets into a ticklish area," said Vint Cerf, one of the Internet's chief inventorsand generally a critic of network restrictions. "Airlines have to be sensitive to the fact that customers are (seated) close together and may be able to see each other's PC screens. More to the point, young people are often aboard the plane." Steve Jones, a University of Illinois at Chicago professor who specializes in Internet studies, said passengers and flight crews would need to undergo "the kinds of learning the ropes and learning the etiquette anytime we put new technology in new settings." Just as most people have come to set boundaries for cell phone use in public settings, he said, "We will develop social norms for using the Internet in flight."
Well first of all I had to do a double take when I read the part in bold about the guy who invented the Internet. Nice work dude. But more importantly, there’s no way I’m boarding a plane if there’s the slightest chance the fat guy sitting next to me might be watching “Ass Bandits 24”. That’s just not going to happen. Plus, half the in-flight movies are made-for-Cinemax anyway. You know how awkward it was watching “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” en route to Phoenix with some grandma and her little Suzy sitting next to me. I almost needed an extra blanket when Angelina Jolie was strutting around in her bra and panties. The bottom line is that if porn-on-a-plane happens, they’re going to need a designated “NSFW section” in the back so people could jerk off in private. Until then, let’s stick to what ICARO does (see above) and just have hot chicks prancing around the cabin like a Barstool fashion show. That's where I'd draw the line.
12. BOSTON -- What was supposed to be a festive New England Christmas tradition has turned sour for two former friends who are taking their fight over a $200,000 winning lottery ticket to court. Brenda White, 55, of Plaistow, N.H. won the $200,000 on a Massachusetts State Lottery $5 scratch ticket appropriately called "Bah Hum Bucks" during a Yankee swap party on Dec. 15 in Haverhill. In a Yankee swap, participants have the option of either keeping a gift they choose, or swapping for a gift selected by someone who preceded them. White swapped for the lottery ticket originally selected by Franco Sapia, 39, of Derry, N.H. Before scratching the ticket, she promised to split any winnings with Sapia, according to the complaint filed in Essex Superior Court. She didn't, and Sapia is claiming half the jackpot in his suit. A judge has agreed to freeze the jackpot until the matter is resolved.
This whole sorry episode could have been avoided if Brenda White wasn’t a typical Yankee Swap coward. I hate people who act like they feel bad when they steal your gift. Listen it’s a fucking Yankee Swap. The whole idea is to get the best gift for yourself and leave everybody else bloodied, naked and crying on a street corner. That’s just the way it works. Having said that, I’m sure Brenda White promised to split the winnings with Sapia so she wouldn’t feel bad about taking the scratch ticket. Obviously she never planned on winning 200 grand. Now unfortunately I still don’t think she owes Franco Sapia anything. Who cares whether she promised him to split it or not. Promises like that aren’t binding. I mean she looks like a total asshole now, but there is no way the court should make her pay Sapia. And frankly Sapia looks just as pathetic by actually suing for the money. Dude, you lost now deal with it. Bottom-line is that you get what you get in a Yankee Swap. If you’re too big of a pussy to deal with the consequences then stick with Secret Santa or something.