Random Thoughts
1. MEMPHIS -- A woman shown on the jumbotron at a Grizzlies game Sunday night danced topless in front of a crowd of over 10,000. The woman, Stephanie Simpson, was later arrested by Memphis Police in a move meant to deter others interested in ''public exposure.''
There's a word to describe women like Stephanie Simpson: Hero. She could've taken the easy route. Smiled and waved at the Jumbotron camera, maybe mouthed a silent "Hi!" as millions have done before her. But Stephanie stepped up. Like Bobby Kennedy, she looked at the world as it is, with fully clothed cute chicks projected high above the crowd, and instead of asking "Why?" she asked "Why not? Why not show the world the goods?" And with the courage of another Lady of the South, Rosa Parks, Steph released the Memphis Two. And let's not forget, they arrested Rosa too. And the world may never be the same. Now that Ms. Simpson has pioneered the DiamondVision titty flash, hopefully others will follow and we'll be ushering in a brave new world where seeing giant video nippleage at sporting events will be as common as the foam finger. Next year, the Chicago Bares. Then the Minnesota (Girls Gone) Wild. That's the world I want to live in. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
2. Hillsborough — Three UNC football players were the victims in a kidnapping, robbery and sexual assault incident involving two women, the university confirmed Thursday afternoon. Orange County Assistant District Attorney Morgan Whitney said police arrived at the scene and found two of the victims, tied up, in boxer shorts. The third victim was fully clothed with his hands tied. The victims met the suspects – Monique Jenice Taylor, Tnikia Monta Washington and Michael Troy Lewis – during a birthday celebration at a downtown bar and that they all went back to the victims' apartment. Initially, one of the football players welcomed sexual advances from Taylor and Washington... "They brought him back and put him in the bedroom. When the victim left the bedoom, there was a naked black male in the hallway who had a knife." Whitney said Taylor then pulled off the victim's pants, pushed him down on a bed, attempted to tie his hands with his belt and started to fondle him against his consent. "The more that he wrestled, Mr. Lewis put his knife further, or closer, to the victim's neck. Ms. Taylor fondled his private parts. He repeatedly said no, and as he continued to resist, Ms. Taylor and the codefendant, Ms. Washington, began to beat him in the face."
The defense lawyer in this case retired the 2007 Understatement of the Year trophy when he said "This is a very unusual case. Almost unbelievable, at first blush." But let's get two things straight here. First of all, there's nothing at all amusing about this incident. So if you think you can get a chuckle from a mental picture of this guy getting jacked off by a woman who looks like Keith Traylor while her friend who looks like Beetljuice from Howard Stern punches him in the face... well you can wipe that smirk off right now. Nor here can you blame the victims. Granted I think I might have handled the situation differently, but that's Monday morning quarterbacking on my part. Every time I've ever brought two beasts back to my apartment and then found their male friend naked in the hallway brandishing a knife, I made a break for it. I always felt that if there turned out to be some innocent reason for him to be doing it and it was all one big misunderstanding, I could always send him a nice hand-written note apologizing for my faux pas. And as far as the guy putting the knife to my throat and forcing me to let Monique fondle my junk, I probably would've let him cut my head off and taken the chance that it would grow back like a lobster claw. Hindsight is 20/20, but that's how I would've handled it. To each his own. I have to think that if these guys played hoops at UNC instead of football, they could be pulling much better tail and these situations would never come up. Shame on the University for not having a stronger football program.
3. Nullo.com - "Discover a way to help neutralize embarrassing body odors, such as bad breath, perspiration odors of the feet, underarm and genital areas."
"I recently started using your product, Nullo Internal Deodorant tablets. I would just like to say thank you. They work wonders! Before, my boyfriend used to complain, but now, our sex life has improved tremendously. No complaints, he just gets right to it. I can not express my gratitude enough." -
A.L.
I think we can all agree that Nullo Internal Deodorant is a great invention. I mean nobody likes smelly pussy. But there is no way this quote is real right? I mean what chick would readily admit that her cha cha smelled like shit? This is a classic case of an American company getting greedy. Listen, you invented a great product. You had me at hello or in this case once you said that Nullo could neutralize genital odors. There was no need to pile on with made up quotes about how boyfriends across America are now diving to eat formerly smelly pussy. Because I absolutely refuse to believe any chick would ever say the above quote. And if you’re going to lie about that than who is to say that you’re not lying about the product? It’s like two steps forward one step back in the world of pussy odor neutralization. Sad day indeed.
4. BOSTON -- Parking in Boston can be a hassle, especially after a snowstorm. Nicole, an East Boston resident, attempted to find a parking spot after the snow storm over the weekend, but all she could find were barrels and furniture marking where other residents had shoveled. "I was scared to move the chair, but I was needed to park somewhere, so I did," Nicole said. When Nicole went back to her car, she noticed that one of her tires had been slashed. "We live in the United States of America, I don't think this is the way it should be," Nicole said. It is considered an unwritten law in East Boston and South Boston that if someone digs out a space in the snow, they own it. Three years ago, Mayor Menino tried to change that rule, but backed off under pressure from residents. Instead, spaces can only be saved for up to 48 hours after a snow storm. Earlier this year someone smashed her windshield after she complained that someone had double parked, blocking her car in for about an hour. "I live in fear here," Nicole said. "If I do something and someone doesn't like me they're going to… so far they've hurt my car twice… thank god they haven't hurt me, and maybe that's next."
Ok first things first. Hey Nicole I think it’s time for you to move out of East Boston. Stop complaining about how you live in fear and just get the hell out of there. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Clearly your neighbors hate you. Just pack up and leave before you really do get your ass whooped and you’ll have nobody to blame but yourself. Now onto this story about saving spots. I’ve lived in Allston Brighton, Back Bay, Bay Village, Somerville, etc. In other words I’ve pretty much lived everywhere and I’ve never heard of this or seen this rule. If you leave your parking spot it’s up for grabs, end of story. Who fucking cares whether you shoveled your car out or not. Everybody has to shovel out. That’s the nature of snow. But that doesn’t mean you own the spot for 48 hours. That’s crazy talk I mean it all comes out in the wash right? Somebody pulls into your spot and then you pull into somebody else’s. It’s just the way it works. Menino has to be the only Mayor in the Country who can’t even change a rule that doesn’t exist.
5. Bostonherald.com - The editor in chief of the Somerville Journal is defending his newspaper’s decision to put a video on its Web site (above video) of naked Tufts University students streaking through campus earlier this week. The bare truth, said Greg Reibman, is that the Tufts “Naked Quad Run” has become an annual winter tradition among students - and the newspaper was right there Monday night to cover the story, and later post a video, via YouTube, on its Web site. Some said the video - which shows plenty of jiggling buttocks but no frontal nudity as dozens of students run naked around the Tufts main quad - violated students’ privacy. One commentator asked that the faces of two females be edited out of the video.
How would you like to be the parents of one of these kids that not only ran in the Naked Quad Run, but then had the audacity to complain when their naked asses were posted on the Internet? Obviously these kids didn’t learn a damn thing in college. Listen, I have no problem with people who want to run in the Naked Quad Run. Heck I came in 2nd in the Naked Mile back at Michigan in 1999 when I graduated. But you didn’t hear me complaining when my naked ass showed up all over the Internet. Even back then I understood the hard and fast rules of smut publishing. If you show up naked anywhere but in the privacy of your own apartment than expect online predators like myself to exploit you for personal gain. It’s the American way. Only a complete idiot would think that thousands of college students running naked in a planned event wouldn’t somehow show up on youtube. So spare me the sob story and grow up. As a side note the below quote from the Tufts Press Secretary has to be the most ridiculous quote of all time. If Alexandra Pryor really thinks the Naked Quad Run is as much about music, hot chocolate and doughnuts as it is about naked people getting shitfaced than I got some Barstool Hats to sell her.
“The event is well known as the Naked Quad Run, but in reality, an equal number of students come out to enjoy the music, hot chocolate and doughnuts as a final social interaction before Winter Break and a study break as we prepare for final exams,” wrote Alexandra Pryor, press secretary of the Tufts Community Union Senate, in an email to the Journal."
6. Well we already talked about this a couple months ago when the National Enquire first reported this rumor, but now it is official. Jaime Lynn Spears has confirmed that she is in fact pregnant. Congratulations Jaime Lynn! You made it all the way to 16! Way to fucking go! Seriously how selfish is this? I mean we didn’t even get any good blog mileage out of Jaime Lynn before she goes and gets prego on our ass. She couldn’t wait until she was 18 to keep a dick out of her? Do me a favor and at least go on the pill or something. What a waste of talent.
7. DANBURY -- A 33-year-old woman was charged with fourth-degree sexual assault Saturday after allegedly groping a man playing Santa Claus at the Danbury Fair mall. Sandrama Lamy, 33, of Danbury, is charged with fourth-degree sexual assault, according to Danbury Detective Lt. Thomas Michael. "I don't know what the deal was. It was just bizarre," the mall Santa told a reporter, referring all other questions about the incident to Cherry Hill Photo, the company that runs the Danbury Fair mall Santa photo setup. The mall Santa told police that Lamy touched him inappropriately while sitting on his lap. 2007 has not been a great year for mall Santas. Earlier this month in Missoula, Mont., a mall Santa was assaulted with a pumpkin pie. Meanwhile, a department store Santa in Australia claims he lost his job earlier this month because he said "Ho, ho, ho." His bosses had asked him to say "Hi, hi, hi."
Not to be a wise ass, but what the hell did Santa think was going to happen when a 33 year old cougar sat on his lap. Did he think she wanted a new bike or something? Obviously she’s going to go right for the junk. This cougar wanted some Santa dick and she wanted it right away. And I kind of feel like by letting her sit on his lap Santa entered a social contract saying that he is fair game to get groped. It’s Mall Santa 101 really. This Santa should be counting his lucky stars if you ask me. After all getting a quick hand job sounds a lot more pleasant than getting assaulted with a pumpkin pie.
8. HarvardCrimson.com - The Eliot igloo is no more, and now residents are up in arms over its destruction. The dome, constructed by about 20 Eliot residents over 10 hours, came under siege early Sunday by members of Harvard’s men’s hockey team, angering several residents. E-mails sent over the House open list in the aftermath included tirades against athletes, replete with obscenities and stereotypes, and half-joking plans for vengeance against the team for destroying what became known as “Eliot’s igloo.” “Apparently someone called [the Harvard police], and [the attackers] ran like the little pussies they are,” House resident Robert L. Kulwin ’08 wrote. “Too bad that while [their] 1200 [SAT score] was good enough to get them in here it [isn’t] good enough to get them a job after they leave.” The incident led the hockey team’s co-captain to send an apology over the House’s e-mail list. “It is embarrassing and disappointing to hear of these actions and I apologize on behalf of the team for the lapse in judgment of those involved,” David M. MacDonald ’08 wrote. “We will do our best to take care of the situation within the team and although this e-mail does not rebuild the igloo, I hope it convinces you not to blanket our entire team with the blame.” The igloo could fit about eight people and became a source of pride for the House in its short lifetime. The incident was reminiscent of the destruction of a nine-foot snow penis constructed by the crew team in Tercentenary Theatre in 2003. The phallus came tumbling down amid controversy about its construction. On Saturday, some of the students who built the igloo watched the demise from their room.
The captain of the Harvard Hockey team is a disgrace to athletes across America. What’s up with the apology email? Where the fuck is Stan Gable when you need him? Everybody knows that you don’t apologize to dorks. If these Harvard geeks want to defend the honor of their fallen igloo than they need to get control of the Greek Council at homecoming Carnival. That’s just the way it works. Also, I’m not sure who the bigger pussies are here. The Harvard hockey players who ran from the cops or the students who watched the hockey players trash their igloo from the safety of their dorm room. I think I got to give the nod to cowards who were afraid to come outside. As far as I’m concerned running from the cops doesn’t make you a pussy. It makes you smart. I’m actually kind of surprised that guys with only 1200 SAT scores would have the brains to figure out that they should scatter when they heard the sirens.
PS - In case anybody is wondering about our hiring process here at the Stool, if you didn’t get at least a 1600 on your SAT’s we use your resume as toilet paper.
9. The Texas High School Baseball Coaches Association will hold an executive meeting on Tuesday, where it is expected they will remove pitcher Roger Clemens as its keynote speaker at next month's convention in Waco. "Nothing is final, but we will be meeting in regards to the issue," said Brenham head coach Jim Long, who serves as president of the THSBCA. "We would like to talk with Roger, and then decide on a course of action from there." The topic of his speech to the THSBCA was "My Vigorous Workout: How I played so long in professional baseball."
You can't make this stuff up. First off, I'm toeing the Barstool party line on performance enhancers in general with a "Who gives a shit?" Seriously, I don't think I gave the matter five minutes of thought in 2007. But anything that humiliates Clemens (if such a thing is possible) fills me with the Magic of Christmas. Bill Lee was once asked about Pete Rose and he said "Rose should be hung upside down by his achilles tendons on meathooks. But not for gambling. Just for being an asshole." The same can be said of Clemens, and I often do. He should be kept out of Cooperstown, prevented from talking before the THSBCA, and spurned by decent society, but not for steroids. Just for being a greedy, self-righteous, fraudulent, money-grubbing, egomaniacal buffoon. For going 40-39 over his last four years in Boston then adding 10 mph back on his fastball as soon as he landed in Toronto. But can anyone explain where the THSBCA got the money for Clemens' appearance fee? Because there's no way he would've been showing up to this thing just for the goodwill.
10. BANGALORE, India - A 2-year-old girl who was born with four arms and four legs left a hospital in southern India on Saturday little more than a month after surgeons there successfully removed her extra limbs. Lakshmi was born joined at the pelvis to a "parasitic twin" that stopped developing in her mother's womb. The surviving fetus absorbed the limbs, kidneys and other body parts of the undeveloped twin.
I'd like to congratulate the fine folks at Bangalore County General for the success of the operation and say how happy I am for little Lakshmi. But did anyone take the time to decide if this procedure was a good thing? So Lakshmi might look a little different than the other kids at Bangalore Elementary, is that really so bad that they had to cut and paste her like some kind of MS Word document? How do we know this wasn't all part of God's plan? That Lakshmi isn't the next step on the evolutionary ladder toward a super race of women who can drive a car, talk on the phone, fix their makeup and give their husbands a handdookie all at the same time? This is exactly why on "Heroes" Mr. Bennett keeps moving the family and changing their names, because this how the public responds to the next great leap in human development.
11. Cambridge - Four meter maids are accusing the city of ignoring complaints that the Traffic and Parking Department is a “good ol’ boys club” where male workers are given preferential treatment and the men openly comment on their female co-workers’ chest and butt size. Joanne Gillespie, Dale Cusack, Joanne Allison and Nancy Sweeney said they have been filing sexual harassment and discrimination complaints with the city since last summer, but Cambridge officials have yet to put a stop to the behavior. Allison told the Chronicle her male co-workers shout “nice toilet” when they like the way her butt looks, gave her the nickname “Rolls” after she gained weight and tossed around homophobic slurs after she cut her hair shorter. The meter maids said the sexual harassment became unbearable shortly after the city hired their supervisor, Chris Cataldo, about a year ago. The women allege Cataldo watches the sexual harassment and does nothing to stop it. Cataldo “has allowed me to be embarrassed in the roll call room, and has let the male crew members call me rat, fat and old,” Nancy Sweeney, a 33-year veteran of the parking department, wrote in another complaint to the city last month. After she returned from a vacation in July, Sweeney wrote that her male co-workers told her she was too overweight for the plane to take off, and held up a photo of Lady Bird Johnson in a wheelchair and joked that it was actually a photo of Sweeney on vacation. Cusack, who has worked for the city for 17 years, said she has broken out into hives from the stress of the harassment.
You want to know why the City of Cambridge is ignoring these complaints? Because these chicks are obviously lying. Listen, I’ve lived in this city my whole life and I’ve never seen a meter maid with a nice toilet. I’ve seen lots of Lady Bird Johnson’s floating around, but no nice toilets. If anything this sounds like a bunch a feminists with butch haircuts who just hate all men and want to bring Cambridge to its knees. Plus since when is telling somebody that they have a nice toilet sexual harassment anyway? That’s a compliment where I come from.
12. ROXBURY, Conn.— A school custodian's impromptu after-hours karaoke performance prompted a police response when a teacher thought she was being threatened over the loudspeaker. State police say the teacher at Booth Free School barricaded herself inside a classroom Wednesday when she mistook someone singing a Guns N' Roses song over the public address system for a threat. Six troopers and three police dogs showed up and found three teenagers, one of them a custodian at the school, who had been playing with the public address system. Police say one of them sang "Welcome to the Jungle" into the microphone. The song contains the lyrics "You're in the jungle baby; you're gonna die."
What a gullible dope this woman is. She hears “Welcome to the Jungle” and actually thinks she’s going to die? I mean what if they played “Mr. Brownstone” - what would she start doing smack? And thank god they didn't blast "Night Train", who knows what she would've done. For her sake I’m hoping this woman is either over 90 or arrived in the U.S. on Tuesday. Bottom line is if I had kids in the Roxbury CT Public School System I’d pull them out of there immediately. Pronto even! Obviously none of these people are remotely qualified to teach small children about the greatest rock n roll album of our time.
13. BERLIN (AP) - A man nearly died from alcohol poisoning after quaffing a liter (two pints) of vodka at an airport security check instead of handing it over to comply with new carry-on rules, police said Wednesday. The incident occurred at the Nuremberg airport on Tuesday, where the 64-year-old man was switching planes on his way home to Dresden from a holiday in Egypt. New airport rules prohibit passengers from carrying larger quantities of liquid onto planes, and he was told at a security check he would have to either throw out the bottle of vodka or pay a fee to have his carry-on bag checked as cargo. Instead, he chugged the bottle down—and was quickly unable to stand or otherwise function, police said.
You got to love this guy’s style. Hey, you’re going to take away my flask? Well how about I drink it right in your eye. How about I pound it until I can’t even breathe anymore? How do you like them fucking apples? If this guy doesn’t belong in the “I don’t fuck around” hall of fame than nobody does. I mean I can barely drink a liter of water at one time never mind vodka. But I guess a man can only be pushed so far.
14. Well the past few weeks brought the first real big snowfall in Boston. You know what that means right? It’s time for everybody over the age of 40 to start freaking the fuck out. I’ve always gotten a kick out of people who act like snow is 2 steps above of a nuclear bomb in terms of danger. Maybe it all stems from the blizzard of 78? I was 1 at the time so I don’t really remember it. But I feel like this mentally scarred the shit out of people who were above the age of 10 at the time. I mean nowhere is this more apparent than at 58 Highland Road in Abington Ma. The First Lady’s mom starts mapping out her snow emergency plan at least 4 days in advance of the first snowflake falling. And it’s constant updates on the forecast during the course of the week too. She’s always coming over and telling us that the projections just changed from 6-12 inches to 12-18 and shit like that. And then she’ll just look at me like I should be pissing myself or something. Or that we need to rush off to the supermarket and try to buy all the soup so we don’t starve to death. And the crazy thing is that she’s not the only one thinking this way. If I went to Trucchi’s right now there would be old bags in a fist fight for the last loaf of bread. Just for the record in my 30 years of living I can’t ever remember not being able to get to the Supermarket. Another huge concern of hers is where to park during a snow storm. I’ve already moved my Astrovan 9 times today trying to find the spot that will least effect the city’s snowplow efforts. I even moved it once yesterday just as a dry run to see how it would work. Although truth be told I’m not even sure why parking matters because the snow is sadly mistaken if it thinks it’s going to build up around our house. Every 25 minutes we’re out there shoveling cement just to prevent accumulation. It’s crazy! I tried to suggest that we just wait for it to end and then I’ll burn right through it, but she has none of it. What if it gets so big you can’t get out the door she asks? Then what? I guess then you’re fucked, but I really don’t see that happening. And like I said I don’t think this is an isolated case. It seems all older people have this phobia of snow. In fact, I’m guessing my grandmother has rock salt in the floors of her house.
15. LILLINGTON, N.C Kevin Russ had his scrotum torn off ...by Rebecca Arnold Dawson, 34, on Dec. 26, 2006, after she “mauled’ his face and tore his testicles off. Dawson has been charged with malicious castration, a Class C felony. Russ said after scratching his face multiple times, Dawson reached between his legs and yanked his scrotum “in one fluid motion."
I have two reactions to this story. (Three actually, but I can't reduce "putting my hands over my crotchal region, assuming the fetal position and cringing in the corner all night" to the written word.) My first point is to the North Carolina lawmakers writing a statute called "malicious castration." Like Col. Jessup said when asked about whether Santiago was in "grave" danger, "Is there any other kind?" I mean, can you commit "misdemeanor" castration in the Tar Heel State? My second (third) reaction was Russ brought this on himself. This was Natural Selection in its purest form. Any man who can look at Rebecca Arnold Dawson and not have his genitalia recoil up into his body cavity as reflexive defense mechanism simply lacks the reflexes a member of any species needs in order to survive in the wild. Now Russ won't reproduce. It's Darwinian evolution at work.
16. Dvice.com - If you've got so much money that you're just looking for new ways to waste it, Tobias Wong and Ju$t Another Rich Kid created the Gold Pill for you. It's a pill dipped in gold and filled with 24-karat gold leaf. You're supposed to eat it "to increase your self-worth." That would be funny if it didn't cost $425 for the joke. Supposedly an added benefit is that it will make your poop sparkle.
I’m not going to lie to you. I like this idea. I just feel like shitting gold automatically makes you royalty or something. Not to mention the boost in self confidence. I mean image getting in an argument with somebody and dropping the fact that you shit gold in their eye. Game, set, match. I mean you just can’t compete with that. My only question is how long does it last? I mean for $425 I’d hope it would carry me through a month of shitting at the very least. Imagine if you needed one pill per shit? I’d be squeezing my ass cheeks together like a motherfucker. It almost wouldn’t be worth it. Almost.
17. Dailynews.com - In an interview for Men's Journal Jack Nicholson said he can't commit to one woman and that thinking he could live the married life was a mistake he's made. He said, "We have more in common with a male dog than we do with a woman in this department. This may be male chauvinism in a certain context. But, baby, it's also science." Jack has been with so many women that he thinks he could have around 9,000 kids out there. "There could be 9,000 for all I know – I used to live so freely. You can’t get too wild these days but I’m as wild as you can get.”
9,000 kids? Travis Henry ain't got anything on this motherfucker. But seriously this is about a billion times more outrageous than Wilt Chamberlain’s claim that he slept with 20,000 chicks. But let’s give Jack the benefit of the doubt. Let’s say he really did impregnate 9,000 chicks. He would have had to known about at least 500 of them right? There is no way all of the mothers he knocked up would remain silent. At least 5% would have had to come forward and named him as the dad. It’s just simple math really. Best case scenario is that he has 25 rugrats running around. Anything more than that is just wishful thinking on his part. As a side note what is the number of chicks somebody can say they banged before you give them the Larry David eye? Anything over 50 and I start raising eyebrows.
18. Bostonherald.com - Mayor Thomas M. Menino yesterday defended the presence of a petting zoo in Downtown Crossing during a festive tour intended to drum up support for the shopping district while Filene’s Basement undergoes its redevelopment. “It’s about promoting Downtown Crossing,” he said. Animal-rights activists and city councilors have criticized the petting zoo as a public health risk that is cruel to the animals on display. The city is paying the Rehoboth-based Animal Affair $10,000 to set up the fuzzy menagerie outside Filenes’s Basement for four weekends this month. Today, the display will likely include a pony, donkey and llama, said Animal Affair employee Marilyn Reed.
Well this seals it. Menino is playing hardball. How does he combat the fact that Barstool newsracks are preventing people from shopping at Downtown Crossing? He brings in the petting zoo! Brilliant! Just when you think he’s going to zig he zags. Bottom-line is that if ponies, donkeys, and llamas mixed in with a couple homeless guys don’t boost holiday shopping than nothing will. And yes I’m fully prepared for the city to blame the farm animals next time my news racks mysteriously disappear in downtown crossing. Once again Menino proves he’s playing chess while everybody else is playing checkers.
19. The Daily Mail -- Even the most expensive sports bras can fail to stop the painful bouncing which leads to long-term damage. But now scientists claim to have found a way to make the perfect scaffolding for every woman's set. "Apart from strap-related pain, many females, particularly large-breasted women, are restricted from participating in physical activity due to exercise-induced breast pain associated with excessive vertical breast displacement." According to the sensors, the greatest vertical movement was monitored in the larger woman at a maximum of 2.7in during jogging. That compared to a maximum of two inches in the smaller woman. Movement during walking ranged from 0.4in to one inch. The scientists believe the findings can be used to design bras that limit excessive breast movement without causing discomfort.
Let me get this straight, some dude invented something that causes LESS breast bouncing? What the fuck? This has to be the worst invention since the “sweater around the ass” in the mid-90’s. I mean nothing was worse than walking by a hot chick on campus, then creepily turning around only to see a giant sweater draped around her ass. They might as well have had Yosemite Sam giving you the finger in place of the sweater because that’s how it felt to guys across America. Thankfully the kids today don’t have to deal with shit like that anymore, instead of sweaters the girls have messages like “Touchdown” and “Hot Rod” written across their asses, basically inviting you to stare. Anyway, this new bra that prevents breast bouncing just doesn’t smell right to me. In 50 years they’re going to find out it causes herpes, polio or something even worse - backne. As somebody once said, don’t fuck with nature.
20. BATAVIA- The trial of a woman charged with raping another woman who worked for her as an exotic dancer included testimony that dragged in the names of a professional wrestler now featured in Playgirl magazine and an NFL quarterback who was in Cincinnati last year to play the Bengals. Defendant Tracy N. Adkins, 28, of Clermont County, has pleaded not guilty. Adkins testified Tuesday she had consensual sex with a 20-year-old dancer from Warren County whose stage name was Summer. The dancer claimed she was raped Dec. 7, 2006, in a home owned by professional wrestler Sean Casey, police said. Baltimore Ravens quarterback Steve McNair's name was mentioned repeatedly during testimony, although he isn't alleged to have been involved in any crime. Both Adkins and Summer testified Casey was on a couch with them when the women had sex. "I asked Sean, 'What the hell are you guys doing to me? Make her stop. Why are you doing this?' " Summer said Adkins alternated between having oral sex with her and having intercourse with Casey, who had a broken leg in a cast.”I just remember being completely freaked out," Summer testified. "I was asking Sean for help, and he said, 'I told you she's the freak - not me.' " Then, Adkins asked, " 'Don't you want to see the sexiest couple in Cincinnati' “enjoy themselves? On Monday, Summer testified Adkins forced her to take ecstasy, a hallucinogenic stimulant. The drug left her unable to resist, Summer said. Adkins Lawyer reminded the judge that Summer didn't call police during the five hours she was at the home - though Summer had claimed she sent text messages on her cell phone to at least 10 people."I said, 'This girl is chasing me and trying to do me,' " Summer testified. " 'Help me, somebody.' "No text messages were found by police, Croswell said.
Let me just say that I’m a little creeped out by the fact that Sean Casey uses the “Don’t you want to see the sexiest couple in Cincinnati enjoy themselves” line. I swear that’s the exact line that I use on the Barstool Girls when I’m trying to convince them to have a threesome with me and the First Lady. It’s almost like they had our apartment bugged or something. In any event, Summer has got to be kidding me with this ecstasy excuse. Listen "E" may make you dance like a jackass and it may make you horny as hell, but it’s not a date rape drug. Bottom-line is that if Summer didn’t want to play ball she should have just gotten up and left. But look at the picture of Tracy Adkins. What red blooded stripper can resist that piece of ass? Obviously if you just sit there on a couch while she is fucking her boyfriend you’re bound to get your ass eaten out and that’s exactly what happened here It’s just the nature of the beast.
As a side note “This girl is chasing me and trying to do me.” may be my favorite text message of all time. I could care less if it’s real or not. I think I’m just going to start sending that to random people this weekend and see how they react.
As a double side note what the fuck does Steve McNair have to do with anything in this case? Talking about getting a bad rap. Poor guy just banged a stripper in the privacy of a public bathroom and the next thing you know his name is being brought up in a rape trial. Sucks for him.
21. CHARLESTOWN, Ind.—An inmate escaped from a work-release crew after he created a distraction with an overflowing toilet, authorities said. Wayne Mitchell, 24, was in the Clark County Jail for a probation-violation warrant, but had been working with a crew clearing roadside trash. When the crew stopped at the Clark County Fraternal Order of Police lodge to eat lunch, Mitchell went into a restroom and clogged a toilet, causing it to overflow, police said. He then came out saying he needed some towels from the jail's van to sop up the mess.” The toilet overflowed and the rest of the inmates were trying to clean it up," said Maj. Chuck Adams of the Clark County Sheriff's Department. Instead of going to the van, Mitchell walked to nearby G&R Auto Sales, where an employee gave him the keys to a car he said he wanted to look over, police said. Police said he then stole a red 1995 Chevrolet Camaro convertible.Officers later found Mitchell's jail-issued clothes at the dealership, about 15 miles north of Louisville, Ky.
Ah, the old “clog the duker to get out of jail, then steal the red Camaro trick”. Not sure Martha Stewart ever tried that, but this guy certainly has set the bar pretty high as far as innovative ways to escape from prison. And he’s only 24. Think about how many more times he’s going to get arrested in his life – this is just the tip of the iceberg as far as escapes are concerned. You gotta figure Cool Hand Luke was well into his 30’s when he was pulling stunts like this. But 24? Listen, I’d keep an eye on Wayne Mitchell a.k.a. prisoner #43029, the next couple of years. This could be like Tiger Woods at the ‘97 Masters, who knows what lies ahead for this kid in the Indiana State Penal System. I just wonder what he’ll think of next in 3-6 months.