Random Thoughts
1. The Daily Mail -- Even the most expensive sports bras can fail to stop the painful bouncing which leads to long-term damage. But now scientists claim to have found a way to make the perfect scaffolding for every woman's set. "Apart from strap-related pain, many females, particularly large-breasted women, are restricted from participating in physical activity due to exercise-induced breast pain associated with excessive vertical breast displacement." According to the sensors, the greatest vertical movement was monitored in the larger woman at a maximum of 2.7in during jogging. That compared to a maximum of two inches in the smaller woman. Movement during walking ranged from 0.4in to one inch. The scientists believe the findings can be used to design bras that limit excessive breast movement without causing discomfort.
Let me get this straight, some dude invented something that causes LESS breast bouncing? What the fuck? This has to be the worst invention since the “sweater around the ass” in the mid-90’s. I mean nothing was worse than walking by a hot chick on campus, then creepily turning around only to see a giant sweater draped around her ass. They might as well had Yosemite Sam giving you the finger in place of the sweater because that’s how it felt to guys across America. Thankfully the kids today don’t have to deal with shit like that anymore, instead of sweaters the girls have messages like “Touchdown” and “Hot Rod” written across their asses, basically inviting you to stare. Anyway, this new bra that prevents breast bouncing just doesn’t smell right to me. In 50 years they’re going to find out it causes herpes, polio or something even worse - backne. As somebody once said, don’t fuck with nature.
2. BATAVIA- The trial of a woman charged with raping another woman who worked for her as an exotic dancer included testimony that dragged in the names of a professional wrestler now featured in Playgirl magazine and an NFL quarterback who was in Cincinnati last year to play the Bengals. Defendant Tracy N. Adkins, 28, of Clermont County, has pleaded not guilty. Adkins testified Tuesday she had consensual sex with a 20-year-old dancer from Warren County whose stage name was Summer. The dancer claimed she was raped Dec. 7, 2006, in a home owned by professional wrestler Sean Casey, police said. Baltimore Ravens quarterback Steve McNair's name was mentioned repeatedly during testimony, although he isn't alleged to have been involved in any crime. Both Adkins and Summer testified Casey was on a couch with them when the women had sex. "I asked Sean, 'What the hell are you guys doing to me? Make her stop. Why are you doing this?' " Summer said Adkins alternated between having oral sex with her and having intercourse with Casey, who had a broken leg in a cast. "I just remember being completely freaked out," Summer testified. "I was asking Sean for help, and he said, 'I told you she's the freak - not me.' " Then, Adkins asked, " 'Don't you want to see the sexiest couple in Cincinnati' " enjoy themselves? On Monday, Summer testified Adkins forced her to take ecstasy, a hallucinogenic stimulant. The drug left her unable to resist, Summer said. Adkins Lawyer reminded the judge that Summer didn't call police during the five hours she was at the home - though Summer had claimed she sent text messages on her cell phone to at least 10 people."I said, 'This girl is chasing me and trying to do me,' " Summer testified. " 'Help me, somebody.' "No text messages were found by police, Croswell said.
Let me just say that I’m a little creeped out by the fact that Sean Casey uses the “Don’t you want to see the sexiest couple in Cincinnati enjoy themselves” line. I swear that’s the exact line that I use on the Barstool Girls when I’m trying to convince them to have a threesome with me and the First Lady. It’s almost like they had our apartment bugged or something. In any event, Summer has got to be kidding me with this ecstasy excuse. Listen "E" may make you dance like a jackass and it may make you horny as hell, but it’s not a date rape drug. Bottom-line is that if Summer didn’t want to play ball she should have just gotten up and left. But look at the picture of Tracy Adkins. What red blooded stripper can resist that piece of ass? Obviously if you just sit there on a couch while she is fucking her boyfriend you’re bound to get your ass eaten out and that’s exactly what happened here It’s just the nature of the beast.
As a side note “This girl is chasing me and trying to do me.” may be my favorite text message of all time. I could care less if it’s real or not. I think I’m just going to start sending that to random people this weekend and see how they react.
As a double side note what the fuck does Steve McNair have to do with anything in this case? Talking about getting a bad rap. Poor guy just banged a stripper in the privacy of a public bathroom and the next thing you know his name is being brought up in a rape trial. Sucks for him.
3. Bostonherald.com - So someone decided it was worth at least $1,000 to send a plane around Gillette today with a banner reading:
Barry Bonds 755 *
Bill Belichick 3 Super Bowl wins *
An eagle-eyed reader said he saw the plane take off from East Taunton this morning. The plane is currently circling the stadium. That’s quite a bit of trouble to go to to say the Patriots are cheaters.
Can I ask a real simple question? Why wasn’t this plane shot down? This is a terrorist threat in my mind. I mean one second you’re accepting $1,000 bucks to spread Nazi propaganda like this and the next second you’re flying planes into buildings. If this country is really serious about the war on terror than this East Taunton airport should be blown up and the pilot executed. Because if we let mercenaries like this continue to exist in the United States we’re just asking for trouble.
4. CHARLESTOWN, Ind.—An inmate escaped from a work-release crew after he created a distraction with an overflowing toilet, authorities said. Wayne Mitchell, 24, was in the Clark County Jail for a probation-violation warrant, but had been working with a crew clearing roadside trash. When the crew stopped at the Clark County Fraternal Order of Police lodge to eat lunch, Mitchell went into a restroom and clogged a toilet, causing it to overflow, police said. He then came out saying he needed some towels from the jail's van to sop up the mess. "The toilet overflowed and the rest of the inmates were trying to clean it up," said Maj. Chuck Adams of the Clark County Sheriff's Department. Instead of going to the van, Mitchell walked to nearby G&R Auto Sales, where an employee gave him the keys to a car he said he wanted to look over, police said. Police said he then stole a red 1995 Chevrolet Camaro convertible.Officers later found Mitchell's jail-issued clothes at the dealership, about 15 miles north of Louisville, Ky.
Ah, the old “clog the duker to get out of jail, then steal the red Camaro trick”. Not sure Martha Stewart ever tried that, but this guy certainly has set the bar pretty high as far as innovative ways to escape from prison. And he’s only 24. Think about how many more times he’s going to get arrested in his life – this is just the tip of the iceberg as far as escapes are concerned. You gotta figure Cool Hand Luke was well into his 30’s when he was pulling stunts like this. But 24? Listen, I’d keep an eye on Wayne Mitchell a.k.a. prisoner #43029, the next couple of years. This could be like Tiger Woods at the ‘97 Masters, who knows what lies ahead for this kid in the Indiana State Penal System. I just wonder what he’ll think of next in 3-6 months.
5. TAMPA, Fla. (AP) — A former teacher serving house arrest for having sex with a 14-year-old student was arrested on charges of violating her probation, state records show.According to a Department of Corrections report, Debra Lafave discussed her personal life and other subjects with a teenage waitress at a restaurant where both worked. One of the terms of her probation was that she was not allowed to have unsupervised contact with minors without permission. Lafave, 26, is serving three years of house arrest and seven years of probation after pleading guilty to having sex with the boy in a classroom and her home in June 2004.
Free Debra Lafave!
Free Debra Lafave!
Free Debra Lafave!
To quote the great Lawrence Taylor…Debra Lafave was set up like a motherfucker. How is she supposed to avoid unsupervised contact with somebody who works in the same restaurant as her? That’s impossible. And what’s so bad about a 26 year old talking dick with a 17 year old chick anyway? Yeah, I know she banged a 14 year old boy, but can’t we let bygones by bygones. She learned her lesson already. Enough of this hot chick persecution! Listen, if I got arrested every time I talked about sexual things with underage chicks I’d be in prison by now.
As a side note "Free Debra Lafave" has a nice t-shirt ring to it.
6. Bostonherald.com - What do Tom Brady [ stats]andBritney Spearshave in common? According to Baby Talk they are both lousy parents - and recipients of the maggie’s Stinky Diaper Award. “(Brady) dumped actress Bridget Moynahanfor modelGisele Bndchen back in December and then found out Moynahan was expecting his child,” Baby Talk states.“He gave her the Heismanthroughout her entire pregnancy, but we thought he scored a late-in-the-game safety when he hopped a plane to L.A. to be with Moynahan and his new son, John, after she gave birth in August. But despite having reportedly been granted a week’s leave by his team, Brady spent only a day with the two, hightailing it to North Carolina to suit up for a preseason game. We’re throwing a flag on that play.”
What the fuck is Baby Talk Magazine? It doesn’t say much about them when I’m in the publishing business and I’ve never even heard of them. Bottom line is that Tom Brady is a great father. If Bridget Moynahan wasn’t happy with the way he treated her during the pregnancy than she shouldn’t have gotten pregnant in the first place. Listen, Tom did his job. He fucked her and let Brigit have his DNA. I think that’s more than any chick can ask for don’t you? I mean he can’t be there every step of the way. He’s got championships to win and super models to fuck. Bridget had to know this going in when she tried to trick him into marrying her so if anybody is at fault for being a bad father here it’s Moynihan. She put herself ahead of her baby and for that I say for shame.
7. TMZ.com - Capt. Ed Winter of the L.A. County Coroner's office tells TMZ that it appears as though rapper Pimp C died of natural causes in a Hollywood hotel room today. We're told no drug paraphernalia or other drugs were found in the room. The rapper, we've learned, was found fully clothed on top of the bed. He did not seem to have fallen or injured himself and he was positioned on his side. Winter said it did not appear that there was anyone else in the room at the time of his death. An autopsy will be performed and toxicology test results will be available in six to eight weeks.
Let me start by saying I have no idea who Pimp C is or was. I want to make that perfectly clear. But having said that, there is absolutely no way Pimp C died of 100% natural causes. You just don’t have a name like Pimp C and die naturally. It’s scientifically impossible. I guarantee that foul play was somehow involved.
8. So this week the Stool is putting together a casting call for ESPN. Legit. No joke. We’re inviting the best of the best in terms of girls we’ve worked with to come in for it. Well this past Thursday Night after our Ms. Barstool Sports at McFadden’s I went with the Miller guys over to An Tain. And wouldn’t you know it, a couple Celtics dancers were in there. One of them appeared to be a perfect fit for what ESPN was looking for. So I went over to the girl and introduced myself and told her what we were doing to see if she had any interest. She said she totally did and gave me her cell phone number to call her the next day. So that’s exactly what I did. I called up and left her a message reintroducing myself and explaining the casting call. Well I just got hung up from one of the one of the weirder conversations you can ever have. I wish I had it on tape, but I’m pretty sure this is how it went without any exaggeration;
Phone Rings;
Me: Dave Portnoy (that’s how I answer my business line)
Unknown Dude: Who’s this?
Me: What?
Unknown Dude: Who’s this?
Me: Who's this?
Unknown Dude: Who's this?
Me: This is Dave. Who is this?
Unknown Dude: Were you calling Jen?
Me: Jen?
Unknown Dude: Yeah, you called Jen earlier right?
Me: Jen…..Oh, Celtics Jen?
Unknown Dude: So you admit you called her.
Me: Yeah, I called her this afternoon.
Unkown Dude: What’s your last name?
Me: Huh?
Unknown Dude: Who are you?
Me: Who are you?
Unknown Dude: Who are you?
Me: I’m Dave
Unknown Dude: Is this your personal line?
Me: It’s my cell phone why?
Unknown Dude: What’s your last name? Why you calling Jen?
Me: Who are you?
Unknown Dude: I’m Jen’s boyfriend. Why you calling Jen?
Me: Umm, for an ESPN casting call.
Unknown Dude: Oh. She doesn’t want to do it. (click)
Hmm, you think this guy is just a tad bit insecure that his girlfriend is a Celtics dancer? I may not know much about relationships but when a guy calls back a random dude on a cell phone trying to pick a fight, the relationship probably has some pretty serious trust issues. Maybe being a Celtics dancer isn’t the best career path for Jennafa. That’s just a guess. Regardless, I’d love to see these two on the Amazing Race.
9. BROOKLINE, Mass. -- Police arrested a construction worker who allegedly drove drunk through the streets of Brookline with a backhoe. Kevin Lasquade, 24, is accused of stealing a backhoe and leading police on a chase in Brookline on Saturday. The suspect reportedly left the construction site where he was working in Watertown with the backhoe. He allegedly hit a parked car on Beacon Street in Brookline. Lasquade allegedly drove into a Stop & Shop parking lot where he reportedly almost hit some cars before pulling over. "The vehicle continued going at a high rate of speed, and finally about probably a couple hundred yards down the road, the operator finally pulled over," Captain John O'Leary, Brookline Police Department, said. According to police, after he was pulled over Lasquade denied operating the backhoe. He does not have a license to operate a backhoe.
He denied operating the backhoe? That’s got to be the worst excuse I’ve ever heard in my life. I mean how’d the backhoe make it from the construction site to Stop and Shop without a driver? It just doesn’t make any sense. Why didn’t he just say he was getting lunch for everybody on the worksite? You can’t arrest a guy for getting lunch can you? Plus, I’m not even sure it’s considered stealing when you take a backhoe that is owned by the company you are working for. But all of this logic goes down the drain once you get pulled over and claim you weren’t there. It’s just poor backhomansship.
10. myeyewitnessnews.com - Memphis Police have charged three men who they say went to a McDonald's restaurant on South Mendenhall and Winchester, dressed as women, and started a fight with employees. A restaurant employee says he was working in the drive-thru window and there was an argument there. He says when he ignored them men tapping on the window, they came inside and started a fight. One of the men is accused of hitting the manager in the head with a tire iron. Police say the manager swung back, and the men kicked off their stiletto boots, pulled off earrings and jackets in preparation for a fight. The manager was taken to the hospital after being hit with a "wet floor" sign. Another employee was treated for scratches.
I have absolutely no sympathy for the McDonalds manager. Everybody knows that when drag queens kick off their stilettos, pull off their earrings and take off their jackets it’s time to get the hell out of there. It’s like when a hockey player drops his gloves. It’s a sure fire sign that shit is about to go down. Because don’t think for a second drag queens fight fair. They don’t. It’s not even a real fight in their mind until somebody gets sent to the emergency room via a wet floor sign to the head. That’s just how drag queens do it in the dirty dirty. So if you’re going to step to them be prepared to get sent to the ER. You’d think a McDonald’s manager would have known better.
11. A North Korean factory boss accused of making international phone calls was executed by a firing squad in front of 150,000 people, it emerged today. The manager was gunned down in a sports stadium in South Pyongan province after authorities claimed he'd installed 13 in a basement to reach the outside world, the Good Friends aid agency revealed. And six people were also crushed to death and 34 others injured in an apparent stampede as they left after the execution, it was claimed.
Wow. All I can say is "wow." You hear a lot of bad things about North Korea, but you have to give credit where credit is due. 150,000 seat stadiums don't just spring up out of the ground. That is some serious building skills they've got over there. I mean, the Big House in Ann Arbor holds...what? 107,000? That's nothing. Sure you could knit pick about the safety of the place because six people got trampled, but remember that's six out of 150,000. We used to lose that many at the old Foxboro Stadium when it was only 75% of capacity.
And don't feel too bad for the guy who got executed. Rules are rules. Kim Il's running a tight ship over there. I'm sure "No personal calls on work time" was in the employee handbook. Facing a firing squad was inevitable.
12. Amazingly, on the 8th anniversary of Elian Gonzalez being rescued and the 44th anniversary of President Kennedy being laid to rest, equally influential American icon Kevin Dubrow, lead singer of the 80’s hair band Quiet Riot was found dead yesterday in Las Vegas. The 52 year old was reportedly found Sunday by a neighbor and TMZ says the Clark County Coroner was trying to determine a cause of death. Now truth be told – I owned the “Metal Health” tape. Yes, the one with the Jason mask on the cover. Many of you in the younger generation might not remember this band, but trust me, if you wanted to piss off your parents in the 80's, you either listened to rap, Quiet Riot or got caught reading grandpa's Playboys. I chose all 3, and frankly haven’t gotten along with mom or dad ever since. So R.I.P. Quiet Riot dude. Without you, the world would’ve never heard of Poison.
13. CLEARWATER, Fla. (AP) - Linda Hogan has filed for divorce from her wrestler husband Hulk Hogan, a newspaper reported Friday. Hulk Hogan, whose real name is Terry Bollea, told the St. Petersburg Times that he had no idea his wife had filed for divorce. He was informed by a reporter that Pinellas County court records showed that the paperwork was submitted Tuesday. "Thank you for the great information," he told the reporter. Family spokesman Adam Handelsman referred calls to another spokesman, who did not immediately respond Friday night. "My wife has been in California for about three weeks. ... Holy smokes," Bollea later told the newspaper. "Wow, you just knocked the bottom out of me."
The poor fucking Hulkster. Imagine finding out your ugly ass wife filed for divorce from a reporter? That’s enough to make even the strongest man drop the red and yellow and go NWO on somebody’s ass. Usually I don’t condone murder, but if The First Lady ever divorced me without telling me about it first I’d definitely kill her. It’s just so rude.
PS - Great job by the family spokesman of referring calls to somebody else. Umm, isn’t a divorce like the superbowl of being a family spokesman? Way to do your job dude.