Random Thoughts
1. CLEARWATER, Fla. (AP) - Linda Hogan has filed for divorce from her wrestler husband Hulk Hogan, a newspaper reported Friday. Hulk Hogan, whose real name is Terry Bollea, told the St. Petersburg Times that he had no idea his wife had filed for divorce. He was informed by a reporter that Pinellas County court records showed that the paperwork was submitted Tuesday. "Thank you for the great information," he told the reporter. Family spokesman Adam Handelsman referred calls to another spokesman, who did not immediately respond Friday night. "My wife has been in California for about three weeks. ... Holy smokes," Bollea later told the newspaper. "Wow, you just knocked the bottom out of me."
The poor fucking Hulkster. Imagine finding out your ugly ass wife filed for divorce from a reporter? That’s enough to make even the strongest man drop the red and yellow and go NWO on somebody’s ass. Usually I don’t condone murder, but if I ever heard through the grapevine that the The First Lady broke up with me without her telling me first, I’d definitely kill her. It’s just so rude.
PS - Great job by the family spokesman of referring calls to somebody else. Umm, doesn't being the family spokesman mean you should comment on family issues such as divorce. I mean this seems like it would be the superbowl of being a family spokesman. Way to do your job dude.
2. I’ve officially decided that people who wait in line for shops to open on Black Friday or who attend Midnight Madness at Wrentham are officially the most insane (and I mean that in a bad way) people on the planet. The First Lady’s sister actually went to Wrentham for Midnight Madness last night. I almost passed out when she told me she was going. Who knew my girlfriend’s family had the insane gene running in them? She left at 11pm and got back at 7am. How fucked up is that? And it’s not even like she bought a ton of shit because the lines were so long. Apparently places like Coach had a “one in one out” policy most of the night. I honestly wouldn’t wish this shopping experience upon my worst enemy. I mean Best Buy would have to be giving shit away for free for me to even think about going to something like this. It’s pure fucking insanity. If you’re willing to stand in line for 10 hours to save a couple hundred bucks than you’re fucking a loser or crazy. End of story.
3. College students drink larger amounts of alcohol on football game days, according to research from The University of Texas at Austin. Psychologists found those women, particularly lighter drinkers, were more likely to engage in risky behaviors following alcohol consumption. The researchers found students were especially likely to drink more during high-profile games against conference or national rivals.
Wait. Let me get this straight: College students drink? Alcohol? On college football game days? And sometimes this "drinking" of this "alcohol" causes women to lose their inhibitions? Has anyone else heard of this? All I can assume is that this is some new phenomenon that just hasn't yet become common knowledge. It certainly hadn't crossed my radar until now. And by God someone's got to put a stop to this. Otherwise before you know it, college football Saturdays will lead to widespread fun, reckless enjoyment and carefree sexual pleasure. So thank you, U. of Texas researchers. This was an excellent use of taxpayer’s money and your country owes you our heartfelt thanks. We all look forward to your next study: "Pornography Leads to Masturbation."
4. NYTIMES.com - At halftime of the Jets’ home game against the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday, several hundred men lined one of Giants Stadium’s two pedestrian ramps at Gate D. Three deep in some areas, they whistled and jumped up and down. Then they began an obscenity-laced chant, demanding that the few women in the gathering expose their breasts. When one woman appeared to be on the verge of obliging, the hooting and hollering intensified. But then she walked away, and plastic beer bottles and spit went flying. Boos swept through the crowd of unsatisfied men. Denisse Rivera, a 23-year-old from the Bronx, was on a first date Sunday. When she arrived at the crowd at Gate D, several men pointed at her, signaling men at all levels to chant in her direction. After a brief moment of hesitation, she flashed them. Then she took a bow. Jets officials declined to be interviewed about the halftime tradition at their home games. The State Police staffs every Jets home game. But Sgt. Stephen Jones, a spokesman, said the State Police did not make an attempt to prevent fans from congregating in Giants Stadium. But he said that there were incidents of fans throwing money into the center of the spiral ramps. Those fans then threw objects at children picking up the money. Access to the center of the ramps is now blocked off by a chain-link fence.
You got to love Jets fans. Listen I’m all for screaming at chicks to show their tits but there is a time and place for everything. Maybe if this was a college game filled with slutty coeds or at a Buffet concert I could understand it. But not the pros. I mean how many chicks tits would you really want to see at an NFL game? One or two max? Because something tells me that Denise Rivera who was on her first date when she flashed the crowd was not what people in the business call “cute”. And by the way, here is some free advice for the ladies from the Stool; don’t flash your tits on a first date. It’s just bad form.
As a side note I love the story about how Jets fans threw money into the center and then fired shit at the children when they went to pick it up. Only in New York! What a bunch of classless slobs. And it starts at the top with Eric Mangini. The Jets are so worried about the Pats they’ve turned a blind eye to people getting raped and pillaged in their own stadium. J-E-T-S JETS, JETS, JETS!
5. Dailymail.com - A British woman planning to start a new life with her husband in New Zealand has been banned from entering the country - because she is too fat. Rowan Trezise, 33, has been left behind in England while her husband Richie, 35, has already made the move down under leaving her desperately trying to lose weight. Robyn Toomath, a spokesman for New Zealand's Fight the Obesity Epidemic and an endocrinologist said that obese people should not be victimised, but agreed with the restrictions. "The immigration department can't afford to import people who are going to be a significant drain on our health resources.
Man, who knew we had to keep our eye on New Zealand? Because make no mistake about it, the Kiwi’s are trying to build an empire over there. It starts with banning fat chicks and then it slowly progresses to banning ugly chicks and then pretty soon you’re executing chicks that don’t put out. Next thing you know you got a country full of hot sluts who are fucking their way to world domination. It’s Superpower 101. I’ve seen it a million times.
6. BBC.com - A man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation. Robert Stewart, 51, admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex. Sheriff Colin Miller also placed Stewart on the Sex Offenders Register for three years. Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr. Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told Ayr Sheriff Court: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply. "They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down. "The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex." Both cleaners, who were "extremely shocked", told the hostel manager who called police.
Listen I know all the bike lobbyists and Bike Rights people are going to come out of the woodwork after I say this, but I don’t care that this guy was hammering a bike. What a dude wants to do to his bike in the privacy of his hotel room is his business. If he wants to fuck the shit out of his Huffy than so be it. As long as whatever you’re banging isn’t alive and you're in your own room anything goes as far as I’m concerned.
7. Foxnews.com - New York City's quintessential A-list superstar, Yankees captain Derek Jeter, is in trouble with the taxman for claiming he resided in Florida during some of the biggest years of his Big Apple career. New York state tax officials want Jeter to fork over what could be hundreds of thousands — even millions of dollars— in back taxes and interest for the years 2001 to 2003, when the baseball shortstop claimed residency in Florida, despite his high-profile presence in New York’s sports and gossip pages during that time.
While some may say that the big news of yesterday was Barry Bonds getting indicted, I’d argue that it was actually Derek Jeter being exposed as a crook. Listen, everybody already knew that Barry Bonds was an asshole. He didn’t do anything to hide that fact. But Derek Jeter has made a career out of managing his image and making people think he was a boy scout. As it turns out he’s nothing more than a common street thug. What better way to say fuck you to the good people of New York than by skipping out on your tax bill. Clearly Jeter doesn’t give a rat’s ass about poor little Rocco in the Bronx who can’t play stickball in the street now because the city couldn’t afford to fix the cracks. It’s a sad day to be a Yankee indeed. Now just like with Barry the next question becomes whether Derek Jeter deserves to get voted into the Hall of Fame. After all let’s not forget that voters are instructed to take honesty and integrity into account when voting. And lying on your taxes doesn’t sound like honesty and integrity to me. For shame Derek. For shame.
8. BEIJING (AFP) - Used condoms are being recycled into hair bands in southern China, threatening to spread sexually-transmittable diseases they were originally meant to prevent, state media reported Tuesday. "These cheap and colourful rubber bands and hair ties sell well ... threatening the health of local people," China Daily newspaper said. Despite being recycled, the hair bands could still contain bacteria and viruses, it said. "People could be infected with AIDS, (genital) warts or other diseases if they hold the rubber bands or strings in their mouths while waving their hair into plaits or buns," the paper quoted a local dermatologist who gave only his surname, Dong, as saying.
This is for all the female Stoolies out there who secretly have a crush on me. If you have any visions of dating me in the future I highly suggest buying new condoms for your hair bands as opposed to used ones. I don’t even fucking care whether Dr. Dong says they are safe or not. Nothing turns me off faster than hair accessory that at one point was used as a hat for some dudes dick. I mean you have to be the cheapest mother fucker on the planet if you buy old condoms for your hair as opposed to new ones. Only in China and Kentucky would they pull this shit.
9. So I was doing my paper route this week and I cut my finger wide open on some unknown object. I still don’t know what happened but for a second I thought I was going to have to crash the Astrovan right through the front door of Tufts Medical for an emergency amputation. Turns out I just needed a band aid. But I didn’t buy just any band aides. Oh no, I bought Ebon Aides. The first band aid exclusively designed for people of color. Now for those people not familiar with El Pres, let the record show that I am Caucasian. Therefore I was a little bit confused why the clerk gave me band aides designed for black people. (the band aides were behind the register) To be honest I didn’t even know such a thing existed. I was doubly confused when the band aid appeared to look and work the same exact way that white people band aides work. As it turns out the reason I couldn’t tell the difference is because I bought the honey shade as opposed to licorice, mocha, coffee or cinnamon. In any event, I feel like I really became more cultured after this whole experience. Who knew there were such things as black people band aides? It makes perfect sense though. I wonder if African Americans think that stores that only sell normal band aides are racist? Regardless, from now on I’m only buying Ebon Aide Licorice band aides just to prove that I’m all about equal rights. Bottom-line is that we don’t care whether people are white, black, orange or blue as long as they read the Stool. And what better way to spread that message than by wearing a licorice band aide?
10. FORT WORTH, Texas --Police issued a citation for a man accused of watching pornography on his car DVD player. Cameron J. Walker, 24, of Irving, was issued misdemeanor citations for obscene display or distribution, not having a driver's license and having an open container of alcohol, Fort Worth police said. An officer on patrol noticed the pornographic images inside the car as it drove by and then parked near a club about 2 a.m. Monday, Fort Worth police Lt. Dean Sullivan said. The images of "multiple naked people" on the 10-inch screen could be seen by someone walking outside the car, Sullivan said.
First of all, I’ve seen that movie with the multiple naked people, it’s pretty good. Barstool recommends. As far as the arrest, how can watching in-car porn be illegal? If this was the 50's, people would rioting in the streets. I’m no lawyer, but I don’t see which of the 95 amendments that violates. Thou Shall Not Kill? Nope. Thou Shall Not Steal? Nope. The only one they can get you for is Coveting Your Neighbor’s Wife, and that’s assuming your neighbor not only has a hot wife, but she's tremendous enough in bed to star in porno movies. Listen I know it’s Texas, but in the America I know, this guy (see above) shouldn’t spend a day in jail.
11. LARAMIE, Wyo. -- Wyoming coach Joe Glenn apologized Monday for making an obscene gesture to the Utah team after the Utes tried an onside kick while ahead by 43 points. Glenn was reprimanded by the Mountain West Conference later in the day and Utah coach Kyle Whittingham acknowledged the onside kick with a 43-0 lead was a "bad decision." Glenn, who had publicly guaranteed a victory last week, was furious when the Utes tried to get the ball right back after Louie Sakoda's 41-yard field goal with 6:21 left in the third quarter. Wyoming recovered the onside kick and Glenn gave the finger to the Utes, who went on to win 50-0 in Salt Lake City. After the loss Saturday, Glenn said he didn't remember the gesture, but on Monday acknowledged it. "I met with my team on Sunday and apologized to them for the gesture I made toward the Utah bench during the game," Glenn said in a statement. "I also want to apologize to all fans for that action. Football is an emotional game, and I let my emotions get the best of me," he said. "I felt it was appropriate for me to let my team and all fans know that I am truly sorry for that emotional moment."
This is what sports is all about. Somebody makes a guarantee, the other team hangs 50 on them and suddenly everybody is flipping the bird. I love it. But the Wyoming coach shouldn’t have to apologize for giving the Utes the finger after that onsides kick. If that’s not a give the bird situation than I don’t know what is. Now guaranteeing victory and then losing by 50 is a totally different story. That’s a fireable offense in my opinion. I mean how can you have any credibility in life when you make a prediction like that and then get your dick stomped on? The prediction is what the coach should be apologizing for, not flipping the bird. And oh by the way, I don’t blame the Utah coach for calling for the onside kick at all. Listen if somebody guarantees victory on your ass you owe to yourself, your family and your team to try and run it up as much as humanly possible. You want to try and make a fool out of me? How about we hang 50 on your ass and see how that feels.
12. BBC.com - Women with curvy figures are likely to be brighter than waif-like counterparts and may well produce more intelligent offspring, a US study suggests. Researchers studied 16,000 women and girls and found the more voluptuous performed better on cognitive tests - as did their children. The bigger the difference between a woman's waist and hips the better.
Wait a minute. Are they saying that skinny chicks with big boobs are smarter than skinny chicks with no tits? Because I think I have years of research that would contradict this philosophy. Now if they’re saying that chicks with big waists and big hips along with big boobs (AKA FAT CHICKS) are smarter than skinny chicks well than no shit. I don’t think we really needed a study to tell us this. I mean have you walked through Harvard Square or MIT before? Tons of smart fat chicks floating around those parts. But this has nothing to do with genetics. Fat chicks just have more time on their hands to hit the books while cute chicks are out fucking. It’s more social Darwinism than anything else.
13. Paradisepost.com - The head cheer mother of the Paradise Junior Bobcats Cheerleading team was arrested Thursday afternoon on suspicion of molesting a 14-year-old Midget Bobcats football player. The boy's mother filed a restraining order against Toni Allexy (39) Nov. 7 stating that Allexy had given her son vodka, fondled him, and driven drunk with him and other minors in the car. "Very intoxicated, the mother gave my very drunk son and another boy and girl a ride home," The boy's mother's letter states. "On the ride home the mother (Allexy) put her hand down my son's pants and began to fondle him, the other kids were in the back seat, which (Allexy) would not allow to come up front with my son." According to the boy's mother's letter, her son said he realized what she was doing after a few minutes and pulled her hand out of his pants. The boy's mother also stated that ever since she filed charges, her son has been threatened and harassed by Allexy's 13-year-old daughter and her daughter's boyfriend.
So let me get this straight. It took the kid a couple minutes to realize that the mother was giving him a hand job? And then once he realized what was happening he pulled the mom’s hand out of his pants? Bullshit! First of all every man, boy and child in America knows that once a female hand grabs you’re dick it’s game time. It doesn’t take more than 1.4 seconds to figure that out. And when it’s a cougar who is attacking your dick you only need .3 seconds to figure out what is happening. In other words, I’m not buying for a second that it took this kid a couple minutes before he realized what was happening. Bottom line is he let the mom jerk him off and then tattled on her like a little sissy. What did he expect to happen when he got in the front seat? She wasn’t serving him Vodka out of the goodness of her heart. She wanted a little pop Warner dick and when cougars want dick you better believe they’ll get it. So either take the handjob like a man and or don’t ride in the front seat with a cougar.