Random Thoughts
Paradisepost.com - The head cheer mother of the Paradise Junior Bobcats Cheerleading team was arrested Thursday afternoon on suspicion of molesting a 14-year-old Midget Bobcats football player. The boy's mother filed a restraining order against Toni Allexy (39) Nov. 7 stating that Allexy had given her son vodka, fondled him, and driven drunk with him and other minors in the car. "Very intoxicated, the mother gave my very drunk son and another boy and girl a ride home," The boy's mother's letter states. "On the ride home the mother (Allexy) put her hand down my son's pants and began to fondle him, the other kids were in the back seat, which (Allexy) would not allow to come up front with my son." According to the boy's mother's letter, her son said he realized what she was doing after a few minutes and pulled her hand out of his pants. The boy's mother also stated that ever since she filed charges, her son has been threatened and harassed by Allexy's 13-year-old daughter and her daughter's boyfriend.
So let me get this straight. It took the kid a couple minutes to realize that the mother was giving him a hand job? And then once he realized what was happening he pulled the mom’s hand out of his pants? Bullshit! First of all every man, boy and child in America knows that once a female hand grabs you’re dick it’s game time. It doesn’t take more than 1.4 seconds to figure that out. And when it’s a cougar who is attacking your dick you only need .3 seconds to figure out what is happening. In other words, I’m not buying for a second that it took this kid a couple minutes before he realized what was happening. Bottom line is he let the mom jerk him off and then tattled on her like a little sissy. What did he expect to happen when he got in the front seat? She wasn’t serving him Vodka out of the goodness of her heart. She wanted a little pop Warner dick and when cougars want dick you better believe they’ll get it. So either take the handjob like a man and or don’t ride in the front seat with a cougar.
ST. LOUIS -- An Illinois woman is suing the St. Louis Cardinals for allowing a text message that falsely suggested her daughter has a sexually transmitted disease to be posted on the ballpark's message board during a game. According to the lawsuit, a girl schoolmate called the ballpark's message board and, using the daughter's name, texted, "(A.B.) has an STD! Eww!" The lawsuit, filed Wednesday in St. Louis Circuit Court, claims the 17-year-old girl was so traumatized by the message last year during a class trip that she stayed out of school the rest of the semester and took her finals in a school office to avoid ridicule. The lawsuit seeks at least $25,000 in damages from the Cardinals, alleging the ballclub negligently failed to properly screen the messages, which fans may submit for a small fee to display on Busch Stadium's electronic message board.
I’m no lawyer, but the Cardinals defense here is easy. Clearly this chick is lying about not having an STD. I mean why else would she be so traumatized by this message if it wasn’t true? If I was on the defense team I’d make her prove that she’s clean. Fuck a dude and don’t give him the clap and we’ll gladly pay your ass. Otherwise don’t blame us for being the school slut.
Boston.com - More than two weeks after they were arrested in the raucous celebration that followed the Red Sox American League Championship, several young men and one woman have penned essays about the experience that reveal a torrent of soul-searching, guilt purple prose - and some defiance. Yesterday, five of the defendants, some dressed neatly in slacks and button-down shirts, appeared in court to submit their writings. Some of the compositions expressed remorse and undying love for the Red Sox. "A diehard Red Sox fan is what I am; this situation will not change that," Matthew White, 18, wrote in his essay, titled "Farewell Fenway." "One thing I will change about myself after spending a night in jail and making it through the court process," he wrote, "will be the way I go about celebrating future Red Sox victories." Others were defiant. In her essay, Monica Majewski, an 18-year-old student at Massachusetts College of Art, said she was arrested only because she was unable to get out of the way of a line of officers marching down Park Drive. "I had a strong sense of being both violated and handled in an unnecessarily hostile manner," she wrote. She then described her desperation as she sat in a holding cell. "I felt a gloom heavier than any load I've carried on my back or in my heart," she wrote. Michael Jauquet, 18, an Emmanuel College freshman who appeared in court yesterday with his father, wrote in his essay that he was arrested after chanting that he had a right to walk on the street. "I was angry about the government," Jauquet said in an interview after the proceeding. "I tried to be radical. It didn't work out for me." In his essay, Jauquet said he regretted speaking out, an action sparked by his anger over the Iraq war. "Thinking back on it now, it was neither the time nor the place for a political form of protest," he wrote. "I learned from this experience that I must choose more wisely the path I follow."
“I felt a gloom heavier than any load I’ve carried on my back or in my heart.” Honey, what the hell are you talking about? What’s a chick from MA Art doing celebrating the Sox anyway? And I love the fucking kid who was protesting the Iraq War by acting “radical” at a Red Sox celebration. Can somebody please assassinate this dude before it’s too late? This is overwhelming proof that we need to get rid of all these hippy colleges in Boston before it’s too late. Emmanuel, Simmons, MA Art etc. I say blow them all up. The kids who go there are totally useless and will never be contributing members to society. The only kid who even made a shred of sense was the kid who said he still loves the Sox and will think about the way he celebrates in the future. At least that I can live with. All these other freaks are from a different planet. Although I will say that the chick from MA Art must be a real heartbreaker.
Dailymail.com - Most parents like to pull out all the stops to make a child's 16th birthday as memorable as possible. But having a female stripper surprise your son in front of his teacher in class would not feature on many wish-lists. Yet that's what happened when one woman booked a special performer for her son's big day. She stipulated that the surprise take place in drama class - and even asked the teacher to film it so the family could see the boy's reaction. But - thanks to what has been put down as a booking error - a female stripper turned up in place of the gorilla-suited man the unnamed mother had apparently asked for. The stripper who arrived on cue halfway through the lesson, first walked the birthday boy around the classroom on all fours (spanking him 16 times - one for each year - on the bottom with her whip.) Then, gyrating to the sounds of Britney Spears, she stripped down to her bra and knickers and insisting the "naughty" schoolboy rub cream all over her body. At that point, the teacher - who had not been told what the surprise would entail - called an immediate end to the show.
God bless this teacher. A lot of lesser educators would have called a halt to the proceeding the second the stripper put the dog collar on the kid and started walking him around on all fours and spanking his ass. But not this teacher. She gave the stripper the benefit of the doubt. That’s all you can ask for in this situation. It’s like a ref who doesn’t want to stop a fight unless it’s absolutely necessary. Personally I think the teacher stepped in at the exact right time. I mean she let the kid get spanked and walked around on all fours. She let the stripper strip down to her underwear and gyrate to Britney Spears. (Had to Be I’m A Slave 4 You by the way). And she even let the kid rub a little lotion on her ass before she finally called for the stoppage. Mills Lane couldn’t have done any better.
People.com - Attention Boston bachelors: Jessica Simpson is out to find love, and she's looking in your direction. The Texas-born singer-actress, who ended her relationship with John Mayer in early summer, says the Yankee boys of Beantown have a few of the rebel traits she's looking for. "I think Boston has cute boys," Simpson, 27, tells Extra. "I need a Boston man. A Boston man is closest to a Southern man, I believe." Specifically, she says, it's "just their loyalty" that reminds her of Southern gentlemen.
We just keep dominating huh? First of all I’m just going to ignore the part about how Jessica thinks Boston Men are similar to Southern Men. Frankly that’s an insult and obviously crazy talk. But what’s not crazy is Jessica wanting a little Masshole dick. Honestly what chick doesn’t? So as a favor to Jessica I’m going to invite her to our next Barstool Signature Party which is November 29th at Revolution. And just to show what type of gentleman I am, I am also going to make myself “available” for her. Yeah, I have a girlfriend, but if Jessica Simpson wants to throw down with me than I will do my part as a citizen of the commonwealth and hook up with her. I just hope Brady doesn’t show up and fuck up my mojo.
Nypost.com - DON'T sit George Clooneynext to former romance model Fabio. On Friday, Clooney and gal pal Sarah Larsenwere having dinner at L.A. eatery Madeo next to Fabio and a group of women. All was well until one of Fabio's pals started taking pictures of her friends. According to numerous eyewitnesses, Clooney, assuming the woman was taking snaps of him, asked her to stop - prompting Fabio to explain that the shots were of his group, not Clooney, and to tell the superstar, "Stop being a diva." Clooney started arguing back, and he and Fabio then got into a shoving match. "The waiters broke it up before it got out of hand," a witness [said].
I love this story. This is how real celebs ought to act. When one of the most powerful guys in Hollywood flies into the same orbit as the world's most famous Harlequin Romance cover models, you're goddamned right the fur ought to fly. Two legendary babehounds like this just have to square off when they get together; it's nature. Like when two bull moose cross paths they have need to fight to prove who's got more velvet on their antlers.
Celebrities like this owe it to us to fight each other. We deserve the pure entertainment it'd bring. Call it "Clooney vs. Fabio I: The War to Score the Whores" or something like that. For reasons I can't quite put my finger on, I'd be pulling for Fab in this contest. First of all, where does Clooney get off thinking that a chick in Fabio's entourage would care about him? Trust me, chicks who hang out with Fabio haven't seen "Syriana." Or maybe because Clooney, while he's made some decent movies, is one of those self-important Hollywood types who's never more than a scotch & soda away from a lecture about how actors are curing AIDS or some such crap, like he did in his Oscar acceptance speech. Fabio, on the other hand, is just ridiculous, which I respect.
PARKER – These 10-year-old members of the Parker Red Sox are all Rockies fans, so they say taking the field next year in Red Sox uniforms would be humiliating. "People would make fun of us and stuff," said Trevor Schaeffer.
His dad, Chris, is the team's coach. Chris Schaefer remembers the exact moment, a week ago, when his son was pulling on his youth league jersey.
"He says, 'I can't wear this Dad.' I said, 'What're you talking about?' He says, 'I'm not wearing this anymore, period,'" Schaefer recalled. Trevor is serious.
"I'm not gonna do it!" he said. And that's that. "I laughed initially," his dad said. "And then I thought - the kid's got a point." "The reason we don't want to be the Red Sox is because no one likes the Red Sox in Colorado," said teammate Bayley Ahrens. "Like if we travel around, people are going to give us a lot of crap." The coach and the soon-to-be-former Parker Red Sox are picking out a new team name. The leading contenders, based on a quick survey, appear to be "Sabercats", "Predators" and "Death Hawks."
Umm are these kids serious? People are going to make fun of them because their Little League team is the Red Sox? First of all I doubt that is going to happen but if it does than just beat the fuck out of them just like the Sox did to the Rockies. If anybody should be getting made fun of it’s everybody else in the league. The Red Sox stand for excellence and awesomeness. It should be a privilege to wear the uniform. How dumb can you be? And what’s up with these replacement names? The Death Hawks? What the fuck kind of Little League name is that? Thank God Colorado didn’t win the World Series because these moron kids definitely don’t deserve it.
Spokane Review.com - A Spokane man is accused of luring his wife into their garage to see a haunted house and then hanging her. Spokane Police arrested 38-year-old Sean Allen Jennings late Tuesday night after the woman, who escaped death, reported the incident. The hanging happened Sunday night when Jennings asked his wife to come into the garage to see a surprise haunted house he had built for their two children. According to a press release on the incident, Jennings convinced his wife to put on a blindfold and then directed her up some steps on a ladder, handcuffed her and put a rope around her neck. The couple were living together while going through a divorce. The woman told police that she became scared and asked Jennings to release her, but instead he pushed her so she fell. She balanced on a toe for a while to keep from hanging. The victim said that as she begged for help her husband told her that hanging her was better than getting a divorce.Tired, she slipped and began hanging from the rope, but her husband pulled her up just as she lost consciousness. According to the police press release, Jennings then told his wife to put aloe vera on the rope burn around her neck and cover it with a neck brace to hide it.
Lots of little life lessons here. First of all you don’t live with somebody while you’re going through a divorce. Everybody knows this. Because if you do it’s just a given that there will be a couple murder attempts per week. That’s just the nature of the beast. The second lesson is that once you admit that you are trying to kill your spouse you need to follow through with it. You can’t hang somebody and then change your mind at the last minute, rub some aloe vera on it and expect that all will be forgiven. As a rule once you hang somebody and they lose consciousness it’s too late to apologize. Finally what was the wife thinking? I wouldn’t let my mother lure me into a homemade haunted house and slap a blindfold on my ass never mind somebody I’m in the middle of a divorce with. It was almost like this lady wanted to die.
BARDSTOWN, Ky. (WAVE) -- The principal of a Nelson County catholic high school has been cited for prostitution related charges. Dr. Paul Schum is head of Bethlehem High School in Bardstown. He was at St. Xavier High School for more than 20 years. According to police, Schum was issued a citation by Louisville Metro Police for loitering for the intent of prostitution. "He could provide no legitimate reason to them for being in the alley. So they presumed that the legitimate reason was for prostitution purposes. Based on his clothing and some other statements he made to them," said LMPD Det. Phil Russell. According to a police report, Schum was dressed like a woman in leather. He was wearing fishnet stockings and fake breasts. When asked if that's something that sounds like Schum, Father Bill Hammer (speaking on behalf of Bethlehem High) said, "no it doesn't. But again, we're in the Halloween season.
This is a total non story. The Hammer (aka Father Bill) hit the nail on the head. You can’t prosecute a guy for dressing as a chick and acting like a prostitute during Halloween season. And clearly Halloween season runs from mid November till the end of October. So Dr. Paul Schum is in the clear. Another acceptable excuse would have been how could he accept money to have sex as a chick when he has dick? I mean fake breasts, fishnet stockings and leather are all fine and dandy, but they can only get you so far in the world of prostitution. You need to be able to take a dick to get paid. So unless Dr. Paul Schum sneaky had a sex change operation I think the police have no choice but to drop all charges.
Boston.com - It was supposed to be a glorious moment. Mayor Thomas Menino was hoisting the World Series trophy this morning at Fenway about an hour before the parade kicked off. As he walked off a stage set up at the park, Menino, still holding the prize, failed to see the stairs that were obscured by the golden trophy. He tripped and injured his leg. "He hyperextended his knee," said his spokeswoman, Dot Joyce. "He's fine." After driving back to City Hall, his leg still bothered him, so he decided to visit his personal doctor, she said. Now, he has returned to watch the rolling rally from City Hall, Joyce said. "Our poor mayor," she said. "It's a big day for him today and he loves this stuff, but what can you do?"
Boston’s got to be the only city where we elect a fat fuck who can’t walk or talk to be mayor. And I don’t believe for a second the reason he fell is because the trophy was obscuring his view. It was his fat ass belly or the fact that he was probably looking for Ray Bourque so people could cheer for Colorado’s Stanley Cup again. And yes the only reason I hate Menino is because he is constantly fucking with my newsracks. In fact I just got a letter from the Mayor last week which said from now on not only will he be confiscating our newsracks, but he will be charging us a daily storage fee as well. In other words we pay the city for permits to put our newsracks on the street. Then the DPW goes and picks them all up and drops them in a pile of shit filled with wild cats (aka the city dump) and charge us for storing them there. To quote Don King. “Only in America! So sorry if I don’t cry a river that the guy is too fat and uncoordinated to hold the World Series trophy without falling down. Serves him right for sticking it to the Stool like this.
NYTIMES.com - A Long Island woman has been charged with hitting her daughter’s soccer coach with a folding chair because he gave her bad directions to a game, the police said yesterday. The woman, Alicia Vigil, 33, of East Rockaway, was arrested at her home on Monday and charged with reckless endangerment, the Nassau County police said. She is charged with swinging a folding chair and hitting the coach in the face, the detective said.
I don’t need to be a detective to figure out what happened here. Clearly the daughter sucks at soccer and the coach intentionally gave her bad directions to drop the dead weight. I know I’d do the same thing if I was in his shoes. After all you play to win the game and some parents just refuse to accept the fact that their kids suck. So the coach was left with no choice but to take matters into his own hand. But whenever you pull a stunt like this you risk the consequences. And in this case that meant if the mother could find her way to the field than the coach was probably going to take a folding chair to the face. All in all it’s a fair trade. You live by the sword you die by the sword.
This is one of those "Question for the Ages" -- which Red Sox jerseys produce the sluttiest chicks? Not necessarily the hottest, but when you spot a girl wearing a Sox jersey - what name on the back screams "I'll hook up with anybody."
Here's my updated rankings based on what I've seen the past few weeks:
1. Papelbon - these broads are crazy, just like him.
2. Ortiz - the cutest chicks wear Ortiz jerseys, not as slutty, but still come through in the clutch. Clutch = 2 a.m. on a Saturday.
3. Pedroia/Ellsbury - we're talking the younger generation here so be careful. Also if you get a handjob from a girl who's left-handed, is it considered "crafty"?
4. Beckett - "sneaky" promiscuous, especially in October.
5. Pedro/Nomar - can't let go of the past + alcohol = sloppy drunk
6. Dice K - they've got the extra muscle down there but beware the "Great Wall".
7. Ramirez - slightly older crowd here, these girls are more respectable (yawn).
8. Varitek - probably gay but you've still got a shot.
9. Schilling - like drawing blood from a stone, too conservative.
10. Lowell - divorced twice, good luck.