Random Thoughts
1. October 27th, 2007
Sox Fans Out In Force
Posted by Jeff Horrigan at 3:33 pm
Red Sox fans are already gearing up for tonight’s game at Coors Field and every LoDo/Blake Street bar I walked past on my way to the ballpark is already filled with boistrous visitors from New England. One of the most interesting dynamics of the weekend has to be the clash of Sox fans with the massive amount of Cheeseheads in town for the Green Bay Packers-Denver Broncos game on Monday night. I had a nice chat with a pleasant couple from Waukesha, Wisc., (come to think of it, virtually all mobile Cheeseheads are pleasant) before I left my hotel. When they noticed my press pass (I instinctively put it on before I left my room) and saw that I was from Boston, they wanted to ask me questions about the Bostonians they’d encountered in the 24 hours or so since they’ve been in town. Basically, they wanted to know why Boston fans act the way they do when they go on the road, which tends to be somewhat like Conquistadors invading enemy territory. “We like to travel with the Packers to see how people in other parts of the country live,” the man told me. “It seems like these Red Sox fans want to show the people here how THEY live.” His wife then leaned forward and whispered: “A lot of them seem like J-E-R-K-S.” I didn’t have a rebuttal because there really isn’t any way to explain the behavior of many of these Boston “ambassadors”. The conversation was very thought-provoking.
Is Jeff Horrigan an idiot or something? Why do Bostonians act like Conquistadors when we travel to road games? Is he serious? I mean how else would we conquer them? As far as I know you don’t conquer people by playing kissy face with them. You conquer people by going into their homeland and shoving your way of life down their throat. You impose your will on them and make them into your slaves. You burn their city to the ground and then when there is nothing left to burn you hop on a plane and fly home with a victory in your back pocket. Isn’t that the whole point of going on a road trip to begin with?
2. MESA, Ariz. --A woman who stabbed her tied-up lover so she could drink his blood has been sentenced to 10 years in prison. Tiffany Sutton told Maricopa County Superior Court Judge David Udall that she was sorry for the incident and said she never meant to hurt anyone, but received the stiff sentence anyway after he called the crime especially heinous. Sutton, 24, pleaded guilty to aggravated assault in August. She was arrested by Tempe police in February after she repeatedly stabbed her lover during an alcohol- and drug-fueled sexual tryst. According to police reports, the victim, 46-year-old Robert McDaniel, agreed to be tied up during sex but became alarmed and asked to be untied when Sutton pulled out a knife and said she liked to drink blood. Sutton then attacked him, slicing his leg, puncturing his arm, shoulder and back and cutting his neck and stomach. When he escaped, she chased him with a pickax.
I feel like 10 years is a little bit stiff for a “crime” like this don’t you? I mean once you agree to let somebody tie you during sex you pretty much agree to let them do whatever they want to you short of killing you, as long as you end up getting laid. That’s just the rules. If the chick wants to stab you and drink you’re blood than so be it. Now where she went over the line is when she chased him with a pickax after he escaped. Because the rules are pretty clear when it comes to kinky sex. When you’re tied up anything goes. But when your untied, slashing your victim and chasing them with a pickax is frowned upon. All in all I think probation would have been acceptable punishment. Regardless I guess the moral of the story is don’t let a chick tie you up unless you’re prepared to go to the brink of death.
3. Crisis is a strong word. But The First Lady and I have reached a crisis point in our relationship this week. And it all stems from the water pressure in our shower. A couple weeks ago I went to Target and bought the biggest, baddest showerhead that I could find. I’m one of those guys that believe you can NEVER have too much water pressure. If I could take a shower with a fire hose I would. And I always just assumed everybody felt the same way about this as I did. I mean how can anybody ever have too much water pressure? It just doesn’t seem possible. At least that’s what I thought until the First Lady declared that she hated our new shower head because it was too strong and requested that we go back to old one! What? Is she insane? I’ve never heard such an outrageous statement. It was suddenly like I was talking to a stranger. Let me ask you something; How can water pressure be too strong? It’s impossible. Listen, water pressure is non negotiable in my book. When I look at apartments the only thing I check is the water pressure. If you put strong water pressure in a cardboard box, I’ll pay top dollar for it. So when the First Lady said she wanted to go back to the old shower head I flat out refused. As a result you could cut the tension with a knife around here for the past couple weeks. Finally two days ago we started employing the two shower head system. Yup we rotate the showerheads after each and every shower. I’m pretty sure we’re the first household in America to employ the two showerhead offense. So far the results are mixed. The water drips out on you every time you unscrew it which is always a little bit unsettling. But at least the First Lady and I are talking to each other again. But I’m not going to lie to you. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able look at her the same. I just don’t get how anybody could prefer a dribbly shower. I mean what’s next?
PS – For anybody who suggests that we buy one of those shower heads where you can rotate the pressure those are all for suckers. None of them produce the type of pressure that the one I have does.
4. Dlisted.com - Heidi KlumtoldOprahin an episode airing today that the first thing she noticed when she metSealwas how big his package was. She said, "I met him in a hotel lobby in New York City and he came in just from the gym and I was sitting there and I was, like, wow. And I pretty much saw everything. The whole package."
Well that certainly explains things. I guess I can cross this off the world’s greatest mysteries list. Apparently a huge dick more than makes up for a deformed face. So chicks are lying whenever they say dick size doesn’t matter. In any event this kind of really makes me dig Heidi Klum. I mean she basically just admitted that she’s a total slut bag. Doesn’t give a shit about anything as long as a dude can bang the living daylights out her. That’s fucking hot as shit if you ask me.
5. SAN ANTONIO -- A girl's high school volleyball team was shocked to find a bloody deer carcass on their bus after a game against a rival. Members of the Comfort High School Whitetail Deer volleyball team came across the remains of a dead deer after playing a game against Blanco High School. A sister of a Comfort High School student said she believes students from Blanco High School placed the carcass on the bus as a prank. "That is very inappropriate, I just couldn't believe it," Laura Lozano said. "(My sister) was just so surprised that they would do something like that." Lozano said the rivalry between the two schools is deeply seated.
First of all thank god for Inspector Gadget. (AKA the sister of the Comfort High Student) Because I’m pretty sure this would have been one of the great unsolved mysterious of our generation if she didn’t piece together the clues and figure out that it was their rival high school who planted the dead deer on the bus. I mean I know I didn’t see the connection there. Regardless this story is awesome and actually restores my faith in humanity. I was beginning to think all kids cared about these days were the X games, their Iphones, and rock and roll. It’s good to see some of our Nations youth is still focused on things that matter like intimidation and dominating your opponent. Bottom-line is I don’t want to live in a world where the dead mascot in the bus trick has gone out of style.
6. PROVIDENCE, RI -- Police have charged a woman with felony assault in what they described as a case of road rage at a Dunkin Donuts drive-through. Police said 27-year-old Laura Defazzio became enraged when the car behind her beeped her horn. According to police Defazzio screamed, yelled and told the woman, 36-year-old Denise DeMedeiros, that she was going to kill her. Police said DeMedeiros then dialed 911 from her cell phone. Defazzio got back into her minivan preparing to leave, but DeMedeiros then exited her car and approached Defazzio's minivan. Defazzio then grabbed DeMedeiros' hair and began to pull away lifting her off of her feet. This isn't the first time that Defazzio has been involved in a dispute at a Dunkin Donuts. She was involved in another similar incident a month ago. The police report detailed an exchange in which Defazzio threw cream cheese at the victims' car, spit in the victim's car window and threatened to kill her.
It takes some serious balls to sit there and cause a traffic jam at Dunkin Donuts and then attack people with a crowbar and cream cheese when they beep at you. From the sounds of things Laura Defazzio thinks the rules of the Dunkin Donuts Drive through Lane don’t apply to her. She just sits there and lollygags her way through the line. Well no wonder people are beeping at her shit. I don’t blame them. One of my biggest pet peeves in life is when people get their coffee and then start chit chatting with the window jockey. Just get your coffee and get the fuck out of the way. People have blogs to write.
As a side note what the fuck was Denise DeMedeiros (lady who got attacked) thinking? One second she’s on the phone calling 911 because a crazy lady is attacking her with a crowbar and the next second she gets out of the car to confront the attacker? What did she think was going to happen? Obviously you’re going to get dragged down the street by your hair. It’s a fucking no brainer. It’s sad that Denise had to learn this lesson the hard way.
7. I was at a wedding on Friday night and saw just one of the most disgusting/hilarious acts of impropriety I've ever seen. Now I'll try my best to describe the situation - it's your standard wedding reception, however 2/3rds of the crowd was over 60. Anyway the DJ started out strong playing Sinatra, Dean Martin and the like, and the old timers on the dance floor were moving in a respectable fashion. Then just after dinner, out of nowhere DJ Clueless fires up "Sexy Back" by Justin Timberlake and this younger couple freaking started hardcore grinding ALL OUT on the dance floor. Legs interlocked, hips thrusting, asses being grabbed. The place went from Gone with the Wind to Dirty Dancing in the blink of eye. Naturally, half the crowd's jaw dropped, the other half were hysterical laughing. Now I've been to probably 25 weddings in my career and have never seen anything like it - I was back in Newport at the "Boom Boom Room" for Christ sakes. They were even drenched in sweat to boot. Anyway in my view, hardcore grinding is NOT appropriate at a wedding - maybe afterwards in the basement of a hotel bar, but not on the dance floor at the reception. What is this, a Barstool party?
8. October 11, 2007 -- One of the world's richest and most secretive hedge funds is telling its traders to swallow female hormones to trade better, a lawsuit claims. SAC Capital is a powerful $10 billion hedge fund, is run by superstar trader Steven A. Cohen, one of Wall Street's most prolific players who regularly takes home $500 million a year. It was alleged that one of Cohen's top bosses at SAC chided traders for being too aggressive - and that they must use a soft feminine touch to score in their trading pitches. One junior trader claimed that the boss, Ping Jiang, a key producer at the big hedge fund, demanded that the young trader take female hormone pills to help erase his aggressive male ways so he could be more effeminate in his trading style. Eventually, the hormones caused the junior trader to start wearing dresses, avoid his wife's touches altogether and allegedly begin a sexual relationship with his boss, the trader claims. The junior trader, identified as Andrew Z. Tong, 37, filed a sexual harassment case against his boss, said CNBC. The case claimed the hormone pills wrecked his life, and also made him impotent with his wife, who wanted to have a baby.
I can’t say I didn’t see this one coming. I mean one second you’re taking female hormones and the next second you’re wearing dresses and avoiding your wife’s touches. It’s a story as old as time itself. But here is the part of the story that I’m calling bullshit on. Female Hormone pills can’t make you hook up with your boss. Sure they can probably give you the gay, but there are plenty of gay dudes in NYC. Nobody forced this guy to blow Ping Jiang. Obviously there was an attraction there with or without the female hormones. Regardless, I’m curious whether the pills helped this guys sell or not? I mean that’s really the main issue here right? Because I’ll fucking wear a dress if it means I can sell some Barstool Ads to some Liquor companies. But I’m guessing it didn’t help. I don’t think slick Wall Street guys can ever be too aggressive. I mean I’ve seen Boiler Room.
9. EW.com - The private Carrie Underwood, suddenly spilling all about her love life with NFL quarterback Tony Romo? Not so fast: Though Underwood seemed to be enjoying a blossoming relationship with the Dallas Cowboy earlier this year — he was her date to the ACM Awards and each flew to the other's side for their respective birthdays — she swears they were never a couple. ''At one point it seemed like that's where it was headed,'' she says, ''but point blank, he is about football. I don't know if it's that I'm not quite his type or whatever, but I don't think he's at the point in his life where he would be willing to sacrifice football. He hated so much that people thought that he was paying more attention to me and that was causing him to not do well.''
I don’t know what to make of this story. I’m not sure I believe Tony Romo’s excuse that he is too busy with football to fuck hot chicks. I mean Tom Brady is putting together the greatest season in the history of the NFL and he’s fucking Gisele while the Pats are on defense. Getting pussy doesn’t’ seem to be bothering him too much. But at the same time I’m not sure it’s fair to compare what Brady is capable of doing with what Tony Romo is capable of doing. Maybe Romo isn’t good enough to juggle his dick and his football at the same time? It’s certainly possible. But I think the more likely explanation is that he’s gay. Either that or he just doesn’t like Carrie Underwood in that way. It’s impossible to tell what the real answer is without knowing whether Romo already banged Carrie Underwood or not. If he did already nail her than clearly he just wants to play the field and try new pussy. If he didn’t bang her yet and broke up with her than clearly he’s gay. But whatever the case may be, I don’t think the real answer is that he is too concerned with football.
10. PORTLAND, Maine --School officials have given the green light to a Portland middle school to offer birth control prescriptions through its student health center. The plan, offered by city health officials and approved on a 7-2 vote by the Portland School Committee, makes King Middle School the first middle school in Maine to make a full range of contraception available to students in grades 6 through 8.
I know what people are thinking. Do kids in grades 6-8 really need birth control? Well the answer is hell yes. You got to remember we’re talking about Maine here. Kids are fucking all over the place up there. There is nothing else to do in Maine except play pool. My only problem is that they should start handing out the birth control in Kindergarten as opposed to waiting until the 6th grade. Because if I had to guess I’d say at least 85% of Maine chicks have had sex before they graduate elementary school. Everybody fucks in Maine. It’s just part of the culture. But that doesn’t mean they should be spawning all over the place. Let’s use some common sense and give the kids some birth control right when they enter the public school system. It’s a win, win for everybody.
11. LEBANON, Tenn. -- Tennessee Bureau of Investigation agents on Tuesday arrested a former state trooper who resigned after a porn actress said she performed oral sex on him during a traffic stop. The agents arrested James "Randy" Moss after a Wilson County grand jury indicted him on 10 charges related to his traffic stops. The charges include tampering with evidence, official misconduct and official oppression. The Tennessee Bureau of Investigation began investigating Moss in June after an adult film star, Barbie Cummings, posted an explicit video of the two on her Web site. Though she received a speeding ticket, Moss is accused of ignoring some illegal pills in Cummings’ car in exchange for a sexual favor. Moss resigned in May after Cummings said she performed oral sex on him during the stop.
This guy is giving black mail and more importantly the real Randy Moss a bad name. I mean Barbie Cummings blew this guy and he still gave her a speeding ticket? What the fuck? That’s some hard core shit right there. I mean if a chick blows you than she should get a warning right? Everybody knows that. It’s just part of the blowjob social contract. I can guarantee you that the real Randy Moss would have let this chick off scotch free in exchange for the blowjob. That’s just that type of stand up guy he is.
PS – I wonder if Barbie Cummings is the porn star’s real name?
12. Inside Track - That New England PatriotQB/QT Tom Brady [ stats] and galpal Gisele Bundchenhad a little lovers’ quarrel atExtra Virginrestaurant in NYC. According to the ever-popular Gawker Stalkerthe splendiferous pair were fighting in front of the whole restaurant until Gi got up, stormed out and left Tom sitting there alone. As the Stalker put it, “Drama!”
Are you shitting me? Gisele got up and left Brady sitting alone at the restaurant? Nobody does that to Tom Brady! Nobody! I mean did she watch the Cowboys game on Sunday? Who the fuck does she think she is? Gisele is so fucking replaceable it’s disgusting. Supermodels grow on trees. Good luck finding another 3 Time Superbowl Champion QB at the height of his powers. Brady can snap his fingers and 10 supermodels will be fighting over each other to blow him. Fuck Gisele. It’s time for Brady to move on to his next conquest. Hopefully he already impregnated her so he can move on without any regrets. I thinking he should start banging Scarlet Johansson next. I’m sure she’d be into it and a worthy slut for him. Fuck Gisele. You don’t get up from the table when Tom Brady is eating and expect to get away with it.