Random Thoughts
1. BANTAM, Conn. -- A groom was arrested during the reception to his wedding on charges of sexual assault. The owner of La Cupola restaurant in Bantam, Frank Rosa, told Eyewitness News that a wedding reception at his restaurant got out of hand earlier in the month. Police allege the groom, Oscar Carpio, 32, was found with a bridesmaid in a room he and his bride had rented. According to police, Carpio was found wearing very little clothing. Rosa said that Carpio then became involved in a fight with the bridesmaid's husband. Rosa said that alcohol played a large factor in the groom ending up with someone other than his new wife. "I never had something like that happen -- never," Rosa said. "This is a friendly place … we're a reputation place."
Unbelievable. Just when you think you’ve heard it all a story like this comes along. What the fuck kind of groom hooks up with a bridesmaid at the wedding reception? That’s some fucked up shit. Obviously the groom and bridesmaid must have been fucking each other before the reception. You just don’t go nail one of your wife’s best friends at your own wedding unless you’ve already been plowing her for awhile. Therefore how selfish is this? I mean they couldn’t wait to hookup until the party was over? Because while I’m no wedding expert, even I know that the groom fucking the bridesmaid is a total mood killer. You can’t just cue up “We Are Family” and move onto the bouquet toss like nothing happened. It’s just a rule that once the groom sticks his dick in a bridesmaid the wedding is over and everybody needs to go home. I’m sure that’s why the husband of the bridesmaid who was getting fucked got in a fight with the groom in the first place I mean it’s one thing to nail his wife, but it’s a whole different ball of wax when he just sprung for a wedding gift as well. At least let the guy get his money’s worth and enjoy the free buffet.
2. NEW YORK - A New York Jets season-ticket holder filed a class-action lawsuit Friday against the New England Patriots and coach Bill Belichick for "deceiving customers." The lawsuit filed in U.S. District Court in Newark, N.J., by Carl Mayer of Princeton Township, N.J., stems from the Patriots being caught illegally videotaping signals from Jets coaches in New England's 38-14 season-opening win Sept. 9. "They violated the integrity of the game," Mayer's attorney, Bruce Afran, told The Associated Press. "This is a way of punishing Belichick and the Patriots." Mayer is seeking more than $184 million in damages for Jets ticket holders. "Having been a lifelong Jets fan, as soon as I heard this, I was completely outraged," Mayer said. "The NFL just slapped them on the wrist. I'm a consumer lawyer, and this is consumer fraud."
Carl Mayer is right. Deceiving customers, violating the integrity of the game and Consumer fraud are all legitimate reasons to sue a professional sports team. Unfortunately he just got confused. These are all obviously characteristics of the lowly Jets not the 3 Time World Champion New England Patriots. The Jets have been stealing money from their fans for the past three decades. And the sooner idiotic Jets fans open their eyes and start worrying about their own pathetic lives, the sooner they’ll have a chance to maybe becoming a respectable franchise. But as long as they continue to blame all their problems on the Pats and continue to wish they were us, they’re just going the joke of the NFL and our perennial whipping boy. It’s like a 3rd World country with no food, no money and no hope blaming all their problems on the United States instead of trying to fix their infrastructure. Don’t hate us because we rule the world. It’s not our fault you suck and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can start to rebuild. Luckily for us Jets fans are too stupid to realize this and will continue to be our bitches for the foreseeable future.
3. KUALA LUMPUR (Reuters) - Malaysian doctors have reattached a man's nearly severed penis after his first wife, enraged by his comparison of her sex skills with those of his younger second wife, decided to chop it off with a kitchen knife. The man, a 43-year-old Indonesian worker in southern Johor state, was lying in bed with his 48-year-old wife talking about his newly wed second wife, who is in her 30s, when the incident happened, the New Straits Times newspaper reported.
Well no shit this guy got his dick cut off. I may not know much about women, but even I know they don’t like to hear that another chick kicks their ass in bed. Especially when it’s your other wife who is 20 years younger and probably doesn’t have any saggy body parts yet. You’d think they’d teach this shit in Polygamy elementary school or something. And to be honest this isn’t even a male/female thing either. If I got done hooking up with a chick and she told me how small my dick was and how much I suck compared to another dude, I’d probably try and cut her boob off as well, so I see where this lady was coming from. It’s just human nature.
4. WHDH.com WEARE, N.H. -- A father in New Hampshire is facing charges after allegedly getting into a fight with a high school student. The father allegedly attacked his daughter's boyfriend outside John Stark Regional High School in Weare earlier this month. Officials say he was angry after finding out the boyfriend had sex with his underage daughter. The victim, 17, is being charged with misdemeanor sexual assault because his girlfriend is only 15-years-old. The name of the father has not been released to protect the identity of his daughter.
This is why I pray to the god of little people that I don’t have any daughters. Because if I catch some chump sticking his ding dong in my 15 year old daughter, I’d do the same exact thing this guy did. If you ask me the dad is a freaking hero. I mean what is he supposed to do? Just sit back and watch little Nancy get her brains fucked out by some high school punk? Any dad would get pissed in this situation. Need I remind you of the infamous John Dennis voicemail he left for Ryen Russillo after Russillo supposedly hit on his twenty something year old daughter. Imagine if she was 15?
5. BPD.com - At about 3:30am, on Sunday, September 23, 2007, officers from Area D-14 (Brighton) responded to a radio call for a fight at 15 Pratt Street. On arrival, officers observed a small group gathered in the middle of the street. Officers spoke to the victim who stated that an individual, after being dared, jumped into the seat of a steamroller, started it up and, then, drove it into his car. Officers observed minor damage to the bumper of the victim’s car. When speaking to the suspect, officers observed that it appeared the suspect was under the influence of alcohol. Officers arrested Matthew Gilman, 22, of Allston and charged him with the Destruction of Personal Property and Larceny of a Motor Vehicle.
Whoa, hold on just a minute here. Matthew Gilman didn’t do anything wrong! Somebody dared him to drive the steamroller into the car. Once a dare is issued the person who issued it assumes all responsibility for damages if the said dare is carried out. Everybody knows this! It’s truth or dare 101. If this wasn’t the rule than you could just start daring people to do anything with no sense of responsibility. It’s just not fair that way. So basically in this case Matt had two choices. He could not do the dare and be called a pussy and probably not get laid or he could do the dare and get arrested and still not get laid. It’s bullshit. If you do the dare you should get rewarded, not punished. Regardless the moral of this story is don’t leave your keys in your steam roller while parked in Brighton.
6. FOX NEWS - - The NFL apparently thinks its players are concerned more about sideline scoring than their coaches' game plan. The league reportedly sent a memo to all 32 teams ordering them not to allow their cheerleaders to warm up — or do anything distracting — in front of the visiting team's bench. CBS NFL analyst Charlie Casserly broke the story last weekend, saying there were concerns around the league that some teams specifically ordered their cheerleaders to perform in front of visiting teams in hopes of distracting them from pre-game instruction.
Roger Goodell is a mad man. Who is he to say where Cheerleaders can and can’t warm up before a game? If Belichick tells Quinn (Pat’s hottest cheerleader) to bend over and flaunt her perfect ass in somebody’s face who is he to stop that? That’s just gamesmanship. It’s becoming painfully clear to me that Goodell is bent on destroying the NFL. What’s next? Only fat chicks are allowed into the game? No making noise in the crowd? No pregame tailgating because the smell may waft its way into the stadium? This is a joke. He’s treating football like it’s the SAT’s. No distractions. No calculators. No getting up to take a shit. No waving hot asses in people’s faces. Somebody please stop the insanity before it’s too late.
7. Tmz.com - Dennis Rodman is in trouble with the law again, this time for allegedly smacking the ass of a female bar hopper. TMZ has learned the Orange County Sheriff's Department is investigating the incident, which allegedly took place at Hennessy's Tavern in Dana Point, near Laguna Beach. One source says the ex-basketball star allegedly slapped the woman's rear so hard, it left a "major mark."
I'm the last guy to defend Dennis Rodman, but give me a break. Smacking a chick’s ass is illegal? Since when? Is this a blue law or something? Listen it would be one thing if this happened at State Street Bank or something, but not on a pub crawl. Pub crawls aren't for the faint of heart. Asses get slapped, boobs get fondled, people piss themselves. It’s just the nature of the beast. Bottom line is that chicks that aren’t prepared to be sexually assaulted just a little bit shouldn’t go on pub crawls to begin with. And they certainly shouldn’t go on bar crawls with the Worm.
8. Boston.com - An MIT student Star Simpson was charged with possessing a hoax device today at Logan International Airport for wearing a sweatshirt that had a circuit board affixed to the front with green LED lights and wires running to a 9-volt battery. Authorities thought the contraption was a bomb strapped to her body. Star Simpson, 19, was wearing a black hooded sweatshirt and approached an airport employee in Terminal C at 8 a.m. to inquire about an incoming flight from Oakland, according to Major Scott Pare of the State Police. She was holding a lump of what looked like putty in her hands. The employee asked about the plastic circuit board on her chest, and Simpson walked away without responding, Pare said. Simpson was charged with possessing a hoax device and was arraigned today East Boston Municipal Court. She was held on $750 cash bail and ordered to return to court Oct. 29. On Simpson's personal website at MIT, she says she is studying computers and enjoys tinkering in a student-run machine shop. "In a sentence, I'm an inventor, artist, engineer, and student, I love to build things and I love crazy ideas," the website says.
750 dollars bail? Are you shitting me? I don’t want to overreact to this story, but I really think the death penalty should at least be in the conversation for Ms. Star Simpson. I mean how do you walk into an airport with a fake bomb attached to your shirt? I could care less whether it’s fake or not. If you’re that fucked up that you think this is funny than you’re never going to be a productive member of society. Mix in the fact this she goes to MIT and admittedly “loves crazy ideas” and the best move for society is just to eliminate her now before she does something we all really regret. I’m telling you right now I’d rather take my chances with Al Qaeda than a crazy ass MIT geek.
9. LANSING, Mich. (Sept. 19) - Firefighters cut a hole in the side of a house and used a forklift to extricate a 900-pound man from his second-floor bedroom after a visiting nurse became worried about his health. The man had not left his home since 2003. The man's brother, who lives with him, said he suffers from Prader-Willi Syndrome, a rare genetic disorder that creates a chronic hunger feeling that can lead to overeating and life-threatening obesity.
I wonder at what point exactly the nurse became concerned about this guy’s health? Was it when he hit the 800 lb mark or was 900 lbs the magic number? I know if it was me, I’d probably start getting nervous around the year 2005 when he hadn’t left the house for two straight years. That’ always raises a red flag in my opinion. Whatever the case may be I think it’s safe to say you’ve waited too long when you need to cut a hole in the guy’s roof and forklift him out of there. The forklift is a dead give away 9 out of 10 times.
PS – Always being hungry is hardly an excuse for weighing 900 pds. Mix in some fruits and vegetables once and awhile.
10. Dlisted.com - Angelina Jolietold Cosmopolitan that she's only fucked 4 dudes in her entire life and married two of them.
All together now. Buuulllll Shit…..Buulllll Shit….Buuulllll Shit. Listen Angelina tell me you don't like my firm, tell me you don't like my idea, tell me you don't like my fuckin neck tie, but don't tell me you only banged 4 guys. Please. At least 12. AT LEAST 12.
11. MONCKS CORNER, S.C. - A 59-year-old man’s arm was bitten off by an alligator as he snorkeled in a South Carolina lake, but doctors were unable to reattach it. Bill Hedden, of Summerville, was bitten by an 11-foot, 10-inch alligator on Sunday afternoon in Lake Moultrie. Authorities say Hedden, a retired master chief with the U.S. Navy, was snorkeling at the Short Stay Navy Outdoor Recreation Area when the 550-pound alligator tore his arm from his shoulder. Hedden stumbled into a party of picnickers with his arm missing and blood gushing from his wound. Five nurses were among those at the gathering and put ice on his wound and kept him awake until paramedics could arrive.
Listen I think we can all agree that it sucks to get your arm ripped off by an alligator. You never want to that to happen. But do you really have to stumble into a party of picnickers with your arm missing and blood gushing everywhere? That’s kind of gross don’t you think? I mean people are trying to eat and all of a sudden you come waltzing in looking like something straight out of a horror movie. It’s just bad form. Everybody knows the proper protocol when getting attacked by an alligator or shark is to crawl to the shore and pass out and hope somebody finds you lying there. Screaming is allowed.
12. NY POST August 25, 2007 -- Stuart Sugarman loved to cheer himself on and grunt in spin class — but now the hedge-fund manager is paying dearly for his vociferous workout. He was allegedly beaten by a gymmate who snapped at the loud antics — and hurled Sugarman and his stationary bike into the wall of an Upper East Side gym. The victim, 48, had a concussion and back injuries that required surgery. He grunted a lot, admittedly. He war-whooped. He hollered, "Great song!" and "You go, girl," and he probably was the noisiest guy in the spin class. Meanwhile, Christopher Carter - the 44-year-old Manhattan broker accused of furiously hurling both Sugarman and his Schwinn stationary bike into the wall of an Upper East Side Equinox - remains free on misdemeanor assault charges. "He snapped," said the victim's lawyer, Samuel Davis. "Spin class is an environment where there is passion in their pedaling - but there shouldn't be violence." "My client was in what's called 'the zone,' " said Davis.
Davis described the sequence of events this way:
First, the furious broker demanded the hedge-fund manager please stop making so much noise. "Then it escalates to 'Shut up!' and "Shut the f--- up!" The broker complained to the instructor, who "basically shrugs," Davis said. The broker then allegedly issued the final ultimatum - "If you don't shut the f--- up, I'm getting off my bike." The hedge-fund manager said: "Stop being a baby." Finally, the ballistic broker dismounts and "charges my client's bike like Leonard Marshall of the New York Giants hitting a practice sled," Davis said.
This maybe my favorite story ever in the history of Barstool Sports. First of all the victim’s name has to be made up right? Stuart Sugarman? Come on! I feel like the guy watched Jerry McGuire the day before and just twisted around Bob Sugar. Regardless, I love Sugarman’s lawyer. He can represent me any day. He has some of the best one liners I’ve ever heard.
"My client was in what’s called the zone”
"Spin class is an environment where there is passion in their pedaling
"He charged my client's bike like Leonard Marshall of the New York Giants hitting a practice sled,"
Somebody has to be writing his guy’s material right? I mean this is priceless stuff. Leonard Marshall? Ha! Unfortunately his client has no case. The lawyer is 100% correct when he says spin class is an environment where there is passion in their peddling. And just like anything where there is passion, tensions are running high. It’s not a place for the faint of heart. Therefore, if you’re going to be whooping it up you got to be prepared for the consequences. And in this case it was getting attacked by an angry broker. It’s just business. After spinning class is over everybody can shake hand and be friends again, but anything goes inside that octagon.
13. SNELLVILLE, Ga. - Police are investigating the death of a man who collapsed after he was head-butted by an armless man in a fight over a woman. Snellville Police Chief Roy Whitehead said the two men, Charles Keith Teer and William Russell Redfern, scuffled Monday afternoon in the driveway of a suburban Atlanta home. Police say Redfern, who was born with no right arm and only a short stump for his left arm, kicked Teer and Teer hit Redfern during the fight, which was due to long-standing bad blood over a woman who once dated Teer and now dates Redfern. After bystanders separated them, Redfern "came back and head-butted (Teer) one time," Whitehead said. Teer complained of feeling dizzy, collapsed and died, Whitehead said.
Check please. With all apologies to the guy who died, does it get any better than this? Anyway, I’ve got nothing against armless men. But what type of loser do you have to be to get beaten out for a chick by a dude with no arms? I think it’s time to call it a day when that happens. Regardless this story just proves one of my unbreakable laws in life. Whenever you see a man with a stump arm charging at you, you need to turn and run away as fast as you can because only bad things can happen. Guys with stump arms play for keeps. Don’t ask me why, they just do. Mix in the fact that the armless guy’s nickname was Rusty and it’s almost like the guy who got head butted was begging to get killed.
14. Aol.com - BEIJING (Sept. 17) - A man in southern China appears to have died of exhaustion after a three-day Internet gaming binge , state media said Monday. The 30-year-old man fainted at a cybercafe in the city of Guangzhou on Saturday afternoon after he had been playing games online for three days, the Beijing News reported. The report said that about 100 other Web surfers "left the cafe in fear after witnessing the man's death."
I don’t pretend to be the smartest man in the world. But this seems like a pretty silly way to die. Listen we’ve all been there. We’ve all been so engrossed in video games or gambling that we don’t want to move. Hell back in 1987 I almost lost a thumb due to the worst case of Nintendo Thumb you’ll ever want to see. But I was never in danger of dying. Because there is no rule that says you can’t eat while you play. The worst case scenario for an addicted online gamer should be they shit themselves. And as far as I know nobody has ever died from marinating in their own crap.