Random Thoughts
1. UNION CITY, Ga. (AP) -- A McDonald's employee spent a night in jail and is facing criminal charges because a police officer's burger was too salty, so salty that he says it made him sick. Kendra Bull was arrested Friday, charged with misdemeanor reckless conduct and freed on $1,000 bail. Bull, 20, said she accidentally spilled salt on hamburger meat and told her supervisor and a co-worker, who "tried to thump the salt off." On her break, she ate a burger made with the salty meat. "It didn't make me sick," Bull told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. But then Police Officer Wendell Adams got a burger made with the oversalted meat, and he returned a short time later and told the manager it made him sick. Police said samples of the burger to the state crime lab for tests.
What was this some type of super salt or something? I mean if salt spills on a hamburger and a professional manager at McDonalds "thumps it out" you just got to assume that the salt would fall to the ground and the hamburgers would be edible. Therefore, I don’t blame Ms. Bull at all for this incident. Plus if she ate it herself you can’t get mad at her for serving it. That’s rule #1 of the fast food business. If you will eat it, you can serve it. This is just a classic case of a cop on a power trip. Unless of course the crime lab turns up something different like there was no thumping involved at all. Then all bets are off.
2. InTouch Weekly reports that Owen Wilson has refused rehab and is instead paying $750 a day for a sober companion. This sober companion lives with Owen and follows him everywhere he goes to make sure he doesn't fall off the wagon.
Here is my question? Can the companion drink? If so than this is the best job ever. 275,000 to get loaded and make sure Owen doesn’t try and kill himself again seems like a great deal. If you can’t drink than this may kind of suck. I’d need at least half a million a year to be his sober no fun buddy. Frankly I think Owen Wilson has it all screwed up to begin with. He doesn’t need a sober companion. He needs a “don’t commit suicide companion”. Because let’s call a spade a spade. Owen Wilson is about as fun as a bag of dirt when he’s not drinking. You can tell by just looking at him. Being sober isn’t the answer for everybody. He just needs somebody around to make sure when he gets depressed that he doesn’t try and kill himself. This solves everything.
3. September 12, 2007 -- New York Knicks guard Stephon Marbury was grilled about seedy sex with a team intern in a truck as he took the witness stand at his boss Isiah Thomas' sexual harassment trial - a case he admitted he's laughed off from the start. Hunched in the hot-seat in a stylish tan checked jacket, Marbury 'fessed up to crassly luring the college student into his vehicle outside a Manhattan strip club, calling out, "Are you going to get in the truck?" "It really wasn't a conversation," said the cocky team captain, admitting he knew the woman was an intern but denying he was aware she was drunk. Allegations of rampant verbal abuse is central Sanders' case against Thomas, who she claims started every sentence to her with the word "bitch." But Marbury jumped to his coach's defense, claiming he never heard his coach curse at Sanders, saying it was "not his persona." Jurors got a darker picture of Marbury at the start of testimony yesterday, when Sanders described his sexual exploits in his truck during her most emotional moment during two days on the witness stand. Weeping and sniffling, Sanders recalled how the distraught intern had told her, "I wouldn't have gotten in (the truck), but I felt like I had to." "When she got into the car, she basically did whatever he wanted her to do. They basically had sexual relations," said Sanders, dabbing her eyes as she revealed that the intern was dating Marbury's cousin, who also worked for the Knicks. "She considered it consensual because she got in the car," Sanders said.
Listen I’m not the biggest Stephon Marbury fan ever to come down the pike. But you’re not going to catch me grilling a guy for using his power and prestige to nail an intern. Because that is what you do to interns. You take them to strip clubs. You get them drunk. And then you screw them. It’s “Intern 101”. There isn’t a dude in corporate America who hasn’t taken a run at an intern before and who wouldn’t be bragging about this the next day if they pulled it off. And also I’m not going to get on Isiah for starting every sentence with the word “bitch” either. That’s exactly how I talk to my employees at the Stool and nobody seems to mind.
“Bitch, write me a blog”
"Bitch, stops complaining about not getting paid"
"Bitch, help me push my Astrovan to a local gas station."
4. A SWINGER invited a workmate home for a threesome — thenSTABBEDhim to death, a court heard. Barman Paul Hodgson allegedly plunged a kitchen knife twice into Ian Cadwallador’s back, piercing his heart and lung, as he walked home after the romp. The jury was told Paul was jealous that trainee chef Ian, 35, had had sex with his girlfriend Charlotte Gratton — while he could not get an erection.
At the risk of stating the obvious, you could've seen a fatal stabbing coming a mile away here. The story goes on to explain that Hodgson and Cadwallador knew each other from working together at a place called Tiger Tiger. When you apply for a job at a place with a name like that, as soon as the interviewer asks you "Any questions?" you should immediately ask how often employees murder each other. Second, Ian's nickname was "Studley." And guys nicknames like that and porno-sounding last names like "Cadwallador" meet untimely demises under suspicious circumstances at an alarming rate. It's fact. Their life insurance premiums are outrageous. And finally, Hodgson invited Studley home for the 3-way in order to celebrate his 29th birthday. A guy who'd rather have his girlfriend "row a boat" (do the hand gestures and you'll see what I mean) on his birthday than go golfing or play poker with his friends...he'll stab you to death every time. Shame on Studley for not doing the math on that. But most importantly, this is why every 3-way should be two girls and a guy. Print it. That way there's no competition, everyone gets along, you don't run the risk of accidentally touching another man when he's naked (a definite no-no) and as the great Rodney Dangerfield once said, "That way, when I fall asleep, they've still got each other to talk to." Let this be a lesson to all of us.
5. CINCINNATI -- Vickie Hatter is furious and wants someone to explain why her son was humiliated last week during football practice. The Cincinnati mother said her 10-year-old son’s coach, Curt McKinney, sent the boy home from the Midwest Marauders' practice Friday in his underwear. Aucherae Washington explained that McKinney had kicked him off the team after he deviated from team rules during a practice drill that had players running up and down a short hill. “I chose to walk down the hill,” Aucherae said. “I ran to the middle of it then started walking down so I don't bump into (anybody), because if I do that I'm going to knock them probably a couple feet back.” The boy said his coach berated him in front of the other players. "’You're too slow for the team, you're no good for the team,’” Aucherae said the coach told him. “He told me to take off my stuff and give it back to him, and he said, ‘While you're at it, take off my pants.’" Aucherae said he complied with the coach’s order in front of his teammates and some parents and took a seat in the bleachers, wearing only a T-shirt and boxer shorts. He said he walked to a neighbor’s house nearby because he didn’t want cheerleaders to see him in his underwear.
What’s the big deal? This story seems pretty cut and dry to me. Kid loafs while running hills and coach kicks him off the team. It’s a story as old as time itself. Obviously you got to give back your equipment and your playbook when you get cut. It belongs to the organization. What did the kid think was going to happen? And I’m 99.9% sure if the coach didn’t get the pants back right then he would have never seen them. As far as the kid not wanting the cheerleaders to see him in his underwear, once you get cut from the football team you might as well kiss your sex life goodbye anyway.
6. Boston.com - MERRIMACK, N.H. --A New Hampshire teenager said her yearbook has rejected her senior photograph because she was holding a red flower, and props aren't allowed. In the photo, Melissa Morin, 17, who loves acting, is sitting on a costume trunk backstage at the Palace Theatre in Manchester. She wore a black and white sundress and clutched the flower. The no-prop policy stemmed from a 2005 controversy in another school district where a student was upset because the yearbook wouldn't print a photo of him posing with a gun.
Fucking actresses. They think the rules don’t apply to them. What does no props mean honey? No fucking props! I’m glad to see the geeks on yearbook staff finally sticking up for themselves. They’ve been pushed around by the Drama Club for far too long. It ends today. It doesn’t matter whether we’re talking Flowers, hats, guns, pez dispensers etc. No props mean no fucking props. Let this be a lesson to all punks out there who think they’re above the law.
7. bostonherald.com - Some Holliston girls-soccer whiz kids made their pee-vish feelings for archrival Medway shockingly clear when pictures of them allegedly urinating on their opponents’ field surfaced on the Internet to widespread disgust.“It’s disrespectful,” one Medway Mustang said yesterday. “I just think it’s unclassy,” sniffed another. The shocking hijinks, exposed to officials by Medway High School students, has resulted in discipline being meted out at Holliston High, where the Tri-Valley League rivals reside, and required the disinfection of the Medway field. Medway School Superintendent Richard Grandmont said the synthetic field, just 3 years old, was not damaged and scheduled matches will not be disrupted. Hanlon Field was hand-sprayed Wednesday with “an environmentally safe” disinfectant. It will be retreated today or tomorrow. Paul Wetzel, spokesman for the Massachusetts Interscholastic Athletic Association, said Holliston’s alleged bladder batter “sounds like unsportsmanlike conduct in the extreme.”
Well I know I speak for all of Medway when I say thank god they didn’t have to cancel any games because a couple girls took a piss on their field. Honestly, I’ve never heard of such a commotion being made over a little public urination before in my life. Imagine if every field that got pissed on had to be replaced? And just as an FYI, pissing on an opponent’s field is meant to be a sign of disrespect. So complaining that it is disrespectful is kind of pointless. Regardless I’d be scared shitless if I was one of the Holliston chicks that got busted because this could warrant the death penalty by MIAA standards. I mean when the MIAA starts throwing around “unsportsmanlike conduct in the extreme” it’s time to run for the hills. Naturally I will give a free Barstool hat to anybody who can produce the piss photos. I bet at least a couple of these broads are hot. Soccer chicks usually are.
8. DURHAM, N.H. --The backup quarterback for the University of New Hampshire has been charged with murder and suspended from the team. Police said that Hendricks and four others are members of a gang known as the Bird Rock Bandits. They are accused of killing Emery Kauanui Jr. on May 24. According to NBCSandiego.com, Kauanui, 24, died May 28, four days after he was beaten outside his mother's home in La Jolla. Seth Cravens, 21; Eric House, 20; Matthew Yanke, 21; and Orlando Osuna, 22, were previously charged in connection with the beating. They pleaded not guilty on Tuesday. Prosecutors said that Cravens delivered the fatal blow to Kauanui in a fight that started between Kauanui and House. According to Kauanui's girlfriend, the fight began when Kauanui accidentally spilled his drink on House, NBCSandiego.com reported. According to a search warrant affidavit, officers found a notebook full of "Bird Rock Bandit" symbols depicting wounded warriors tattooed with "BRB" and Nazi symbols, such as lightning bolts and swastikas, during the search of Cravens' bedroom.
Apparently it’s not all hippies and stoners at UNH. They like to mix in a Nazi here and there. I wonder if this kid got in just to play football? Imagine if this happened at BC? I’d be all over them like white on rice. And you can say whatever you want about Appalachian State beating Michigan, but at least none of our players killed anybody. At least not to my knowledge. More importantly what’s up with the name of this gang? The Bird Rock Bandits? That doesn’t sound like an outfit that goes around killing people, but I guess they do. They should really change the name to the Hell’s Satan’s or something to that effect just to give people a heads up that they mean business.
As a side note, the thing that is really fucked up about this story is the fact that this fight started over a dude spilling a drink on somebody. I just feel like if it was about somebody dropping in on a wave or something than murder would sort of be okay since those are surfer rules.
9. Foxnews.com PATRICK, Nev. — An Oregon rugby player (Lucien Hoffman) remains in jail Tuesday after being arrested on charges he left his 2-year-old daughter in a vehicle in the parking lot of a Nevada brothel on a 95-degree day. "It was probably not a good decision to take the child [to Nevada] in the first place said club president Matt Burke. Burke called Hoffman a good father who made a bad decision. "We know Luke to be a good father," he said. "He's not a neglectful person or an irresponsible parent. It's unfortunate that he made the decision that he did to put her in the car, but I'm sure the decision wasn't arrived at in a neglectful manner or that he was intentionally being neglectful."
Ok, let me just start by saying that if I ever get in trouble with the law, please don’t let Matt Burke (the rugby club president) defend me. “He’s not a neglectful person…the decision wasn’t arrived at in a neglectful manner. “Huh? Who gives a shit? It’s gone. Talk about botching up the guys’ defense. This one should have been easy. It wasn’t even 100 degrees outside. 95 is like the new 75 especially in Vegas with the dry heat. The only reason the kid was crying was because she didn’t want to see daddy plugging some prostitute. She still has dreams of her biological parents getting back together. At some point she’s just going to have to deal with the fact that her parents are divorced. She can’t keep being a giant cock block. It’s just not fair to the Torpedo.
10. StayclassySanDiego.com - Kyla Ebbert was escorted off a Southwest Airlines flight two months ago for wearing an outfit far less revealing than a bikini top. After the plane filled, and the flight attendants began their safety spiel, Ebbert was asked to step off the plane by a customer service supervisor, identified by the airline only as “Keith.” They walked out onto the jet bridge, where Keith told Ebbert her clothing was inappropriate and asked her to change. She explained she was flying to Tucson for only a few hours and had brought no luggage. “I asked him what part of my outfit was offensive,” she said. “The shirt? The skirt? And he said, 'The whole thing.' ” Keith asked her to go home, change and take a later flight. She refused, citing her appointment. The plane was ready to leave, so Keith relented. He had her pull up her tank top a bit, pull down her skirt a bit, and return to her seat.
Usually I’m not a big “cause” guy. But this is too much. I can’t just sit by and watch an innocent slut be embarrassed and ridiculed for dressing like a two bit whore. After all isn’t this what every blue blooded American dreams of when they are traveling to begin with? A little eye candy to ogle at to pass the time? I mean if chicks are getting kicked off the plane for dressing too provocatively what’s next? Women need to wear birkas? Nationwide curfews? No I can’t sit by and do nothing. I need to put the power of the Stool to good use. I’m calling for a nationwide boycott of Southwest Airlines until one of the following three things happens.
#1 Southwest fires the gay customer service agent (Keith) who accosted this fine young lady.
#2 Southwest writes Kyla a personal apology and gives her two plane tickets to come to Boston to attend a future Barstool Sports Signature Party. Hell, if Southwest doesn’t step up I may do it myself.
#3 Southwest gives me two tickets to Hawaii in January. I have a wedding there and I can’t afford to go unless some travel agent steps up and give me tickets or does a trade with me for advertising.
So there you have it. Those are the only 3 things that will cause me to end this boycott.
11. Boston.com - A pair of freshmen at Northeastern University learned a tough lesson before classes even started this semester, when one of them allegedly leaned out the window of his dormitory and yelled something regrettable in earshot of plainclothes police officers. "If you're looking for weed, my roommate Ferrante has some for sale," Michael R. Emery yelled, according to a release issued today by the Suffolk district attorney's office. The sales pitch, made Sunday to a fellow student out a second-floor window at the Hemenway Street residence hall, got Emery, 18, and his roommate, Matthew J. Ferrante, 18, in a lot of trouble. After their room was searched and officers found a bevy of marijuana, smoking accessories and liquor, the pair was arrested, arraigned, and apparently thrown out of school.
Ah, if I’ve seen it once, I’ve seen it a million times. These two freshman were young dumb and full of cum. They thought they had the world on a string. They blew into Northeastern like an Autumn Wind thinking they’d just take the E Line by storm. It would be a scene right of Blow. If people were high at Conor Larkin’s or Our House East, you’d know where they bought their weed from. Sure it must have seemed so easy on paper. But you just can’t teach experience. And this is where these two guys failed. You just don’t solicit new clients by yelling out your dorm window. It’s rule #1 of the drug dealer rule book. But when you’re young you think you’re invincible. That the rules somehow don’t apply to you. But they do. And now a dream is dead and two promising careers in drug dealing have been snuffed out. It’s a story as old as time itself and a great lesson for all the kids out there. Sometimes patience really can be a virtue.