Random Thoughts
Aolfanhouse.com – Chinese Basketball Star Yi Jianlian does not want to play for the Milwaukee Bucks. Yi's Jianlian's agents would prefer that he play in cities with large Chinese population. It will benefit both CBA and Yi; it will help promotion. And it will guarantee him better restaurants and perhaps better looking Chinese girlfriend."
First of all I admire Yi Jianlian for coming right out and laying his cards on the table. I’m sick of pro athletes making up all sorts of ridiculous excuses as to why they don’t want to play in one city or another. Not enough respect shown in negotiations, not enough commitment to winning, racist city blah, blah, blah. Everybody knows it just boils down to money, chicks and good restaurants just like Jianlian said. Now having said all that I feel like Boston owes Milwaukee an apology. For a long time it was rumored the Celts were going to draft Yi. I’m sure he flew into Boston and Danny Ainge took him to the Super 88 for lunch and then drove him up and down Comm. Ave so he could check out all the fine Asian ass floating around at BU. After all, if you’re into Asian broads, BU is like the Mecca of the universe. Although you’d think that a guy like Yi Jianlian would be looking to nail some white chicks after being surrounded by Asians his whole life right? Maybe there is something to what our old cover model Jillian said about Asian girls having and extra muscle in their box that makes them tighter? Hmm, something to think about for sure…
2. NY Post Page 6 August 2, 2007 -- IF you use the word "bling" these days, you're unhip and totally out of style, according to Kanye West. The hip-hop star tells Complex magazine: "Only white people and older black people say 'bling' now. If a white person uses slang too early, then that makes them look like a wigger. But if black people use slang too late, then it makes them look like a wigger."
Thank god I read this. I’m going to be baiting people all night long at our 25 Sexiest Party to say the word bling. Nothing worse than being an unhip white person. Being just unhip I can handle. But white? That is totally unacceptable. Thank you Kanye West. Does anybody know what the new hot word is by the way? It seems unfair to say that bling is suddenly uncool without telling us what replaces it? How about “styling”? Is that back in vogue?
3. North Pole, Russia -- Russia today planted a flag on the North Pole's seabed in an attempt to declare sovereignty of the unclaimed land. The mission is considered to be largely symbolic, as no one country has claim to the North Pole. Yet four nations beside Russia have economic zones that extend into the Arctic Circle - the United States, Canada, Denmark and Norway. They are largely dubious about Russia's claim to the land, and see the flag-planting as propaganda more than any serious claim to the seabed. "We take that with a smile," said the head of legal services at the Danish ministry of foreign affairs, Peter Taksoe-Jensen. "The fact that the Russians have chosen to dump a flag in the area of the North Pole has no implications on their claim."
Well here we go again... While everyone else is playing checkers, the Russians are cheating at playing checkers. Tremendous move by the cagey, wannabe dictator - Vladimir Putin. It’s like calling “shotgun”. Putin knows that once you plant your country’s flag in a previously unclaimed block of ice, there’s really nothing anybody else can do short of fight you for it. And therein lies the genius. Who’s going to fight you for the North Pole?
Listen, these Scandinavian countries who are whining about it like Norway and Denmark need to stop bobsledding for a hundredth of a second and take a course in International Politics 101. Planting the flag = ownership of land. Plain and simple. By law, if El Presidente planted the Barstool Flag on the infield of Suffolk Downs these Indians could be paying him $100 mil a year instead of Mayor Menino. Then could we ask for a raise? Probably not.
4. EAST POINT, Georgia (AP) -- The owner of a car dealership has been accused of killing two employees because they kept asking for pay raises. Milinavicius, who was having financial problems, told police he shot the two Thursday after they kept asking for more pay, said police in East Point, which is just outside Atlanta.
I know we have thousands and thousands of people reading Barstool Sports nowadays. But this blog is really just for UB, Manzo, Jerry, Kati and whoever else works for the Stool. Now I’m not saying you can’t ask me for a pay raise from zero, but if you ask me more than once I may follow Mr. Milinavicius’s lead and shoot you. After all the precedent has been set. This is how salary discrepancies are handled in Lithuania and in Abington. Ask me for a raise once? Fine. Ask me twice. Boom, you’re dead.
5. USA Today.com GREELEY, Colo. (AP) — The backup punter accused of stabbing a teammate to take over the starting job was obsessed with meeting his mother's expectations and "being a big man on campus," prosecutors said in opening statements Tuesday.
It seems like just yesterday when we first heard about this saga. The classic tale of the back up punter trying to earn his mother’s love by stabbing the starting punter in the leg and taking his job. It’s a story as old as time itself. But this time it has a modern twist on it. Not only was the back up punter fighting for his mother’s approval but he was also trying to become “a big man on campus” in the process. It’s like Romeo and Juliet meeting the Matrix. My only question is does being the starting punter on the football team make you a BMOC? I’m leaning towards no. Will this kid’s mom love him more? Absolutely. But again I don’t think you’re nailing the head cheerleader just because you’re the punter. Yeah, you’ll get some ugly broads who want to party, but big man on campus? No way. I think being the starting punter ranks right behind the treasurer of the local fraternity.
6. So I was driving through South Station the other day, minding my own business when a WB Mason truck pulled up besides me. Anyway I couldn’t help but notice the back of the truck had a Yankees logo on it with the words “Official Office Supplier” What the hell is this all about? Since when did WB Mason start working for the Yankees? I felt like I needed to take a cold shower after I saw this. Listen I have no problem with companies going National and advertising in different cities and sponsoring different teams and shit like that. But I feel like WB Mason really tries to play the local card and makes it seem like they are all about the Red Sox and nobody else. Apparently it’s all a bunch of bullshit. I don’t care whether their headquarters are in Brockton or Beirut. The second you start putting Yankees logos on your trucks you lose the hometown discount. You don’t see Giant Glass rolling around with Yankee logos on their trucks do you? From this day forward I pledge never to buy another piece of office furniture for the Stool from WB Mason. Of course I have no office furniture to begin with, but that’s a different story for a different day.
7. FOXBOROUGH, Mass. - The New England Patriots placed veteran defensive back Chad Scott on the reserve/injured list today. Scott will miss the 2007 season with a knee injury.
Scott got hurt in the first day of Patriots training camp. Since for the last three years running, Pats defensive backs have the life span of mayflies, this might be the perfect time to start panicking. Why wait? If past is prologue, this is the time when the guys in the secondary start dropping like infantrymen in "Glory."
Here are the only occupations with a shorter life expectancy than a Patriot's defensive back:
- Spinal Tap drummer
- Strip joint patron who tells off Pacman Jones
- Bruins coach
- Anyone I catch snitchin'
- Anonymous "Star Trek" crewman
- Bruins goalie
- Mrs. Billy Bob Thornton
- Guy in war movie who shows another soldier a picture of his sweetheart back home
- Quirky, opinionated, take-charge type on "Survivor"
- Side character in crime caper movie who says "We made it! We made it!"
- Barstool hockey blogger
Bottom line is, this is a good day to be Asante Samuel. And Troy Brown, Joel Collier wants to see you.
8. Dlisted.com - 37-year-old Angie Everheart is engaged to 64-year-old Joe Pesci. The 5'10" former fiancee of Sylvester Stalloneaccepted an 8 carat diamond ring from 5'4"Joe in Atlantic City earlier this month.
What the fuck? How the hell did Joe Pesci pull this off? Obviously Angie Everheart must be dead broke, but couldn’t she find a better rich guy to bang than Joe Pesci? I mean not only is he 30 years older than her, but he’s ugly as sin. And this doesn’t even begin to get into the fact that he’s a borderline dwarf. Now I may not know much about women but even I know that 5’10 women don’t date midgets, never mind marry them. My only explanation is that Pesci must be terminally ill and Everheart knows she only has like 5 weeks before he dies. There is just no other explanation.
9. Once a month we do our Ms. Barstool Sports contests at various bars throughout Boston. Basically the way it works is that guys are given one set of beads whenever they buy a Miller Lite. And then they are told to give the beads to the hottest chicks in the bar. Whatever girl ends up with the most beads wins 100 bucks on the spot courtesy of the Stool. So we were doing this contest last Friday at The Harp. At the end of the contest we made an announcement for all the chicks with beads to come to the scorers table so we could count up the winner. Now usually the girls either count the beads themselves or take them off and give them to us to count. . But this one girl just stood in front of me basically begging me to count them. So I took the bull by the horns and started counting. It was all going smoothly until this little midget girl came out of nowhere and slapped my hand away, yelling at me not to “molest” her friend’s boobs. Who does this chick think she is? I wanted to punch her in her little midget face. First of all, I wasn’t even touching her friend’s boobs. Second of all, one of the rules of the Ms. Barstool Sports contest is that if El Pres wants to feel boobs when counting beads than I’m allowed to. And third I’m pretty sure her friend wanted me to touch her boobs and that’s why she didn’t take the beads off to begin with. But leave it to the ugly little midget friend to stick her nose where it doesn’t belong. Regardless, I just want this random thought to serve as a warning to all future Ms. Barstool Sports candidates. If you want to win my 100 dollars you’d better keep all your ugly jealous midget friends locked in a closet when I’m counting your beads. Because letting me feel your boobs if I so choose is just part of the social contract you enter when you compete for the Ms. Barstool crown.
As a side note, the First Lady was standing next to me the entire time that this midget was verbally assaulting me and didn’t say a peep. I got to admit I was a little disappointed in her. I kind of felt like it was her responsibility to fight the midget. Although truth be told the midget looked like she was loaded for beer if you know what I mean.
10. Global warming may destroy this planet but before I go up in flames, I'm going to take some of those little Greenpeace bastards that loiter on the sidewalk and harass people to give money to their already filthy rich "nonprofit." with me. For the life of me, I have trouble understanding just what Greenpeace gets from having a bunch of gross, sweaty, hairy douche bags annoy the rest of us. If the point is to convince me to steal an oil tanker, run it aground onto the last remaining sheet of ice in the Artic, drench all the helpless polar bears and baby seals in oil, light all the critters on fire and then throw plastic trash bags full of Styrofoam cups onto the smoldering, baby seal-fat fueled inferno, then Greenpeace's plan is working marvelously. I recycle, sort of. I drink tap water. I don't use Aqua Net anymore. In short, I do more on a daily basis to save this planet than the hordes of smelly Environmental Studies majors that get in my way on the way to work. Of all the things these soon-to-be Starbucks baristas could be doing to save the planet during the summer, the very last thing on the list should be holding a clipboard and asking me what I'm doing to help the environment as they're heroically defending Mother Earth by hanging out in Boston with the rest of the dudes from the ultimate frisbee team. Instead of standing in the middle of the sidewalk, begging money for an organization that in 2005 had a fundraising income of around $230,000,000, maybe these kids should go home to their gated communities, take a shower, crack open a chemistry text book and figure out how to make eco-friendly coffee stirrers or heat-resistant polar bears. Because the longer that I have to keep dodging these dweebs, the more likely it's getting that I'm going to march into the Aquarium and harpoon the penguins.
11. The National Enquirer is reporting that Britney Spears’16-year-old sisterJamie Lynn Spears, is pregnant. It’s like a soap opera and just when you think it cannot get worse, the baby sister gets pregnant. I am really, really, really hoping this rumor isn’t true.
This is so fucking selfish. We didn’t even get any good blog mileage out of Jaime Lynn before she goes and gets prego on our ass. She couldn’t wait until she was 18 to keep a dick out of her? Do me a favor and at least go on the pill or something. What a waste of talent.
12. Metrowestdailynews.com - A Sherborn teen was charged yesterday with having sex with sheep at a farm near his home, and police reports suggest the encounters may have gone on for nearly a year. According to a police report, the farm's barn had been the target of at least a dozen break-ins between August 2006 and June 2007, prompting the property owner to install surveillance cameras. Between 3 and 4 a.m. on June 27, according to police, the camera captured and filmed a person identified as Roger Henderson II.The man grabbed a sheep by its hind legs and dragged it to the corner of the stall, according to police. The man removed his clothes and appeared to have sexual relations with the sheep. After finishing, the man put his pants back on and left the barn with his shirt in his hand, according to the report.
Obviously this kid is some type of fucked up. But what’s really disturbing is the fact that the sheep just let this happen to themselves for an entire year. You’d think they would have spoken to each other at night and hatched a plan to attack the kid. I mean enough is enough. But if you’re just going to let some dude waltz into your home and sit back as he rapes your brothers and friends than what kind of sheep are you? But I guess that why people who just follow the crowd and don’t stick up for themselves are called sheep to begin with. It all kind of makes sense now.
13. Boston.com - A study released today suggests that obesity spreads through social connections, particularly via close friendships. The condition appears to spread though what researchers are calling “social contagion,” a tendency of people who become obese to influence the behavior of others and to convey -- perhaps subliminally -- the message that being overweight is okay.
Correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t this study just another fancy way of saying that fat chicks prefer to hang out with fat chicks? Did we really need the New England Journal of Medicine to tell us this? And let’s not confuse the issue either. Fat chicks don’t think it’s “okay” to be fat. If they did they wouldn’t be so nasty and bitter and hate skinny girls. The real reason fat girls hang out with other fatties is because it’s the only way for them not to kill themselves. It’s certainly not because they think it’s okay to be gross.
14. Canada.com - It may be one of the best-kept secrets in women's sports: an international all-girls game in which the players drink beer on the pitch, do body shots between halves, and kiss the referee after each game. Once a team is ahead by five points, every subsequent goal requires the leading players to doff an article of clothing, sometimes leaving the field resembling a women's steam room - only with more sweat and athletic cleats on every pair of feet. Now in its 17th year, Festival of the Babes is a global gathering of "soccer-playing lesbians and women willing to be mistaken for lesbians." "FOB has become a negotiation point for any lesbian who starts a new job; she has to have the Labour Day weekend off," says Julie Johnson, who has participated in 15 of the last 16 events. "It's important, like Christmas. You've got to go every year."
I was really getting excited about this story right up until the part when they said this was a lesbian soccer game. And to quote Pete Manzo, that’s where they getcha. Because everybody knows that "lesbian athlete" is code for fat gross pig. This is the classic example of an idea gone bad. If the Festival of Babes was just a naked game of soccer between hot chicks I’d be all for this. But a lesbian festival is bad news. Trust me, I saw the pictures from Lilith Fair.
15. Oregonlive.com - The two boys tore down the hall of Patton Middle School after lunch, swatting the bottoms of girls as they ran -- what some kids later said was a common form of greeting. But bottom-slapping is against policy in McMinnville Public Schools. So a teacher's aide sent the gawky seventh-graders to the office, where the vice principal and a police officer stationed at the school soon interrogated them. After hours of interviews with students the day of the February incident, the officer read the boys their Miranda rights and hauled them off in handcuffs to juvenile jail, where they spent the next five days. Now, Cory Mashburn and Ryan Cornelison, both 13, face the prospect of 10 years in juvenile detention and a lifetime on the sex offender registry in a case that poses a fundamental question: When is horseplay a crime? Bradley Berry, the McMinnville district attorney, said his office "aggressively" pursues sex crimes that involve children. "These cases are devastating to children," he said. "They are life-altering cases."
I’ve read this story 5 times and I’ve watched the interview on CNN. And I keep thinking I’m missing something. Where is the part about when the kid throws the girl in the janitor’s closet and rubs his dick all over her? That has to be coming right? The DA really can’t be prosecuting two teenage boys for sprinting down the hallway and slapping a couple chicks on the ass? That’s not even grounds for detention where I come from. Not to mention you know the girls want to get slapped in the ass in the first place. They’re all probably sitting around after school bragging about which boy slapped which girl on the butt. It’s the age old game of courtship. It starts with sticking gum in a girl’s hair in kindergarten and slowly progresses to ass slapping in middle school until you’re ready to fuck in High School. If anybody should be locked up it should be the District Attorney for prosecuting these kids. You can add him to the list of people I don’t trust. What’s next? Death penalty for spin the bottle?